Original subtitles

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪ - ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin'listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought we'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪

♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Hi.

Do you secrete a reading dysfunction?

Do you have problems putting your words in a colostomy bag?

That's why I've cremated this new program called...

"Booked On Phonics."

I'll teach you how to "testiculate" my way.

To "coputate" how it works, I will "intersex" with a perverted deviant...

by using one of my own penal implants.

- Uh, "mastercate" this sentence. "See"... - "See"...

- "Dick"... - "Dick"...

- "Angina." - [Stammers]

- "Angina." - [Stammering Continues]

- You know what "gina" is, don't you? - Oh... Oh, y-y-yeah.

- Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah. - You're "conjackulating" your verbs and reaming your fibula.

- Impeach me. - Uh-huh.

"Dick, alas, your emasculated pace...

- is accelerating at a promiscuous rate." - Hey, man!

- That ain't what that says. - Shut up. Suppress your defecation.

See, reading is bisexual in your mentality.

I think it was Plato... excuse me, Play-Doh...

who stuck to the wall when he said...

"One must put his transvestite in jeopardy if one wants...

to become a cunning linguist."

Like Vanna White. Now, hermaphrodite, try it again.

- "See"... - Uh, "See"...

- "Jane"... - "Jane"...

Uh, uh, uh.

SeeJane's big "breastesses"?

That's it. That's it.

Now, you're expectorating your sphinx to stink wedge.

- I gotta have me the big breasts! I gotta have me the big breasts! - Hold on now!

- I gotta have... - Hold on! I ain't no venereal fuddrucker.

But I can teach you to appropriate your hemorrhoidal retention.

And you don't even have to be clairvoyant...

excuse me, Clair Huxtable...

to ovulate this amazing program.

But how, uh, big areJane's breastesses?

- Gigantor. - Uh-huh.

So please, don't put off tomorrow what you can castrate today.

Send your colon in today.

Soon, you'll be on your ivory way.

And remember, R-l-F... Reading Is...

[Together] Fallopian.

[Announcer] To order Booked on Phonics...

"deflecate"$9.95 to Oswald Bates...

care of Mid-State Maximum Security Prison.

[Announcer]

Give me a blanket, bitch.

[Announcer] He was the pimp who time forgot.

He was: Forever Silky.

Sir, you must calm down. It's 1993.

You've been frozen for 22 years.

1993?

I told y'all suckers to thaw me out in '78.

I only needed seven years to beat that rap.

Yo, who won the "Thrilla in Manila"?

Where's my eight-track Parliament tape?

[Giggling]

[Announcer] Now, he searches for the world he once knew...

a world that no longer exists.

[Chuckles, Giggles]

[Chuckling Slows, Stops]

Yo, man, what the hell happened to Benny's Bar, man?

Where's the jukebox? Where's all them velvet paintings...

and most importantly, where are my hos?

My God, Silky?

- Is that you? - Yeah, well, this ain't huggy bear.

[Giggles] Who are you?

It's me, Cherry!

Cherry? No, my Cherry was young.

- My Cherry was sexy. - Well.

- She could do this thing with her tongue. - Like this?

Ahhh, that's that freaky thing I'm talking about!

- Cherry, I never forgot you, baby! - No?

Look, I still got my little pinky finger you used to love to kiss all up on.

Yeah, I never forgot the way you walked...

- never forgot the way you talked. - Oh!

Ooh, and I never forgot that time you held back $10 from me...

trying to make Silky look bad.

Where's my money? You better give me my damn money!

- Give me my money, woman! - I don't have it, Silky.

I've changed. The whole world has changed.

I've joined The Nation. You should think about it.

Oh, you done joined The Nation, huh?

Where's my bean pie, girl? You better get my bean pie!

- Where's my bean pie, woman? - Sorry, Silky.

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

[Announcer] In a strange new world, Silky must learn to start over.

Welcome to McBurger. May I take your order?

Would you like cheese with that?

Here you go, pretty lady. Medium orange and filet of fish.

Uh-uh, uh-uh. Noo.

Scuse me, big legs.

But see your order came to a total of $2.77.

And here you come trying to give Silky two and a half.

What, you tryin' to play games?

You think Silky can't count? Huh, do you?

Give me my damn money, woman! Give me my damn money!

Thank you. Would you like fries with that?

[Giggles]

[Announcer] Forever Silky. Coming soon to a theater near you.

You ever consider hoin'? [Giggles]

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

My name is LaShawn, and I will be your supervisor.

Okay, before we get started, uh, uh, what's your...

Oh, yeah, yeah. My name is Larry, but some people like to call me Denzel.

Mm-hmm. Well, Denzel, Ricochet your behind over here.

Let me show you how to man the steam press.

Look, you ain't got to show me nothin'.

All you got to do is just give me some time. I can figure all my stuff out.

- I'll figure my stuff out. - That's cool and everything...

but if you mess up, you will have a lot of time to figure things out...

because you will be unemployed.

So just, uh, take the pants and put them here...

for five seconds and then turn them over.

- Got that? Five seconds. - Yeah, I got that, five seconds.

But usually, you know, I like to run my stuff, like...

Just do your job, okay?

Welcome toJefferson's Cleaners. May I help you?

How you doin', sweetie. Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

- How soon can I get this stuff back? - Right now.

What are you talking about? The sign says you have one-hour service.

Mm-hmm, that's for one or two garments, not for the whole Ebony Fashion Fair.

- [Sizzling] - What are you doing?

I thought I told you to put it here for five seconds?

What? Look! Why come you can't do that?

Look-Look. Your machine is broke, girl!

I left it in there for five seconds! But you know what?

Me, myself, I don't like leavin' nothin' in for just five seconds.

Mm-hmm. I'm sure that you, yourself and Sybil are very happy...

in your big old marble head, but, uh, we have some work to do, okay?

- Now, just stay away from the steam press. - I got you.

Just whatever. What you want me to do then?

Just pay attention for a change.

- Now, you take this sprayer... - I know what to do with the sprayer.

- Hey, would you just... - W-Without you, I can do my job...

Would you just wait till I show you? Ooh, you are trippin'.

Just spray a small amount on the stain...

and scrub gently with this brush.

- Gently, am I reaching you? - Yeah, you reaching me.

I got it... gently.

I'll be back to check on you in a minute.

Look, I don't know who taught you people how to do laundry...

but I just had this dress cleaned, and...

and look, now there are two buttons missing!

Uh-huh, well, you'll excuse me...

while I observe your tragic loss with a moment of silence.

Now you look here, Miss Thing!

No, she didn't. Oh, no. She did not go there. She did not call me "Miss Thing."

Yes, she did. She called you Miss Thing. Do somethin' to her.

Now, look!

Now, you better do something about my buttons!

Well, I could slap you back into last week when your buttons were still on your dress.

Oh! I'll never come here again!

Aw!

What is wrong with you?

What... Give... Give me that brush! What...

What... What are you trying to do...

make a hole in this as big as the one in your head?

You are gonna get it now. Mr. Jefferson? I'm gonna...

- Mr. Jefferson! - What the hell is goin' on out here?

[Audience Cheers Loudly]

It's him. It's him, Mr. Jefferson.

He already burned up some pants. Now, look how he ruined this shirt.

Come on, Mr.J. You know she's the one that taught me how to do all that.

What? LaShawn, that's comin' out of your paycheck!

- Why come I gotta pay for his mistakes? - Because you're his supervisor...

- and you're supposed to be supervisin' him. - If I gotta take the blame...

then I am takin' his lunch hour, and my two hours.

- See you at 3:00. - You better get back here!

If you don't get back her, you're gonna find yourself short of a job!

Well, you are the authority on short, Mr. Jefferson.

You so short, you could be a teller at a piggy bank.

And you got a mouth like a mini mart...

open 24 hours and nothin' good ever comes out of it!

Well, I am just goin' to go to lunch, while you get your mind right.

Well, I guess now you have to train me, Mr. Jefferson.

Nuh-uh. No. You fired! I don't care if you are Weezy's nephew!

Weezy!

[Announcer] The following is a public service announcement.

This is what Aretha Franklin sounds like singing her classic smash hit "Respect."

Listen closely.

♪♪ [Singing]

Beautiful, isn't it? Now, this is what you sound like.

♪♪ [Singing Badly]

- Aretha. - ♪♪ [Singing]

- You. - ♪♪ [Singing Badly]

- Reality check! - [Gasps]

You can't sing! For God's sake, stop it.

[Announcer] This has been a public service announcement for your own good.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

Take a little off the top, son, but leave the burns.

[Cackles]

Konichiwa, folks!

Sorry to bother you in the middle of your lunch.

I just wanted to make sure you were taking all the proper safety...

[Wheezes] Precautions.

What's the meaning? Everything's safe here.

I beg to differ, [Wheezes] Shogun!

Let me show you something.

Let's just say you're getting ready to serve up some of this spiny sea urchin.

You're high on MSG. Somebody says...

"Look, there's Chairman Mao showing everybody his ginseng root."

You go to salute him. [Yells]

[Yelling Continues]

Next thing you know, you look like Jacques Cousteau in a trauma unit.

[Cackles, Groans]

- Take care of that for me, will ya, son? - [Yells]

Now, according toJapanese custom...

it is traditional, when meeting a new chef...

to bow.

[Salutatory Grunts]

[Grill Sizzling]

God! Doesn't that hurt?

No, but this does. [Cries Out]

- Ughhh! - Hey! We're on our honeymoon.

We thought this was supposed to be like a show.

Oh, so it's entertainment you want, huh?

Okay. Drum solo.

[Chopsticks Whipping Through Air]

Eat your heart out, José Eber!

- [Chopsticks Clattering] - Are we gonna eat?

What'd your last chef die from?

[Spatulas Whirring]

Ever watch Japanese baseball?

Aha! That's a triple!

Hey!

This looks really good.

There's a finger in mine.

Ugh, mine, too.

Uh-oh!

No wonder I had so much trouble jugglin' that Ginsu.

[Laughing]

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Yep, Oriental delicacies can take a little getting used to.

[Retches] I need a drink.

[Blows Whistle] Freeze, persiette!

Is that a bottle of hot sake you've got there, son?

- Yeah. So? - Better let me check the alcohol content.

This stuff can make a person highly volatile.

[Coughs, Spits Up]

Now, let's just say...

you're out for a hot one with the boys.

But you don't know when to say when.

Suddenly, you're so intoxicated, you think you're a Kung Fu movie star...

out for revenge against a Young Lee Triad.

[Squealing Yells]

So, you think you can beat me, huh?

Well, my friend, let me show you something.

- Everybody run! - [Gasps]

Shogun, go shinpai naku.

Watakushi wa shobo shocho desu.

[Detonator Clicks]

Now, I have to get new job.

[Sobbing]

[Together] That was my favorite place for lunch.

Funny thing about Oriental food...

an hour later, you're hungry again.

[Cackling]

Hey, guys, next meal's on me.

I have a regular table at the... [Wheezes]

Sizzler.

What's up everybody? I'm Josie.

And we got Twist and the Fly Girls in the house.

Oww, and tonight I have the pleasure of introducing some of my buddies.

Everybody put your hands together for EMI recording artists...

Arrested Development singing "Mr. Wendal."

♪♪ [Spoken Word, Hip-Hop Vocalization Mix]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Rap]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Spoken Word, Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Rap]

♪♪ [Vocalizing, Spoken Word Continue]

♪♪ [Rapping, Spoken Word, Vocalizing Continue]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Ends]