Original subtitles

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪

♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪

♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Coughing] Well, Paul, it looks like it's almost time to be moving on.

No, Pappy. Don't leave me, Pappy.

Yes'm, I'm on my way to that big cotton field in the sky.

You can't leave me, Pappy. I's too dumb to make it.

- I can't. I'm just a dumb ol' slave. - Hush up!

- Yes, sir. - You's ain't no slave, boy.

- No. - We's runaways.

- I run away from that plantation 123 years ago. - Yes, sir.

And I done raised three generations of children here in this cave.

Now you gots to go. You're the last of the Timbuks.

I can't make it out there, Pappy.

- You gots to. - I can't.

- You gots to. - I can't.

- I'll put my foot in your ass. - Okay, I'll try.

All right. Well, now you gots to head up north...

- Yes'm. - And find the Underground Railroad.

- Yes'm. - Gots to find Harriet Tubman.

- Harriet Tubman. - Look like Cicely Tyson.

- I thought that was Jane Pittman? - No, that's Esther Rolle.

I want you to do one other thing for me, boy.

- What is it, Pappy? What, Pappy? - Take care of my good jacket.

- Oh, yes, sir. - [Groans]

Pappy! Pappy. [Breathing Heavily]

Oh, Pappy!

He'd wants me to have this.

[Groaning, Grunts]

Well, it looks like I'm on my own now.

I gots to find my freedom and get outta here before this body starts stinkin'.

Before I be a slave, I be buried in the grave.

Or I be the hardest working man in the cotton field.

Psst. Psst. You headin' north?

Uh, no, man. I believe this is southeast.

Well, how far behind you is they?

- Who? - The dogs. I don't hear the dogs.

Man, what dogs, man? Is there something I can help you with?

'Cause I'm on my way home, and, man, I am whipped.

Oh, Lord, how many lashes they give ya?

Uh, no, man, I mean I'm beat.

Well, at least you still got your foot.

Man, look, what is it that you want, man? I don't have any time for this.

You must be one of those house niggas.

- Look, I'm just looking for my freedom. - Freedom?

- Yes, sir. - Well, where the hell have you been, in a cave?

Yes, sir, right back yonder.

Oh, man, look. You must be from the South, man.

- Brothers up here don't act like that. - No?

Excuse me?

Well, move it. You're blocking the way.

I's sorry, sir. We just mosey out your way.

Man, what the hell is the matter with you?

I'm trying to jog, and you're blocking my way.

Yeah, well, next time, you know, run around, jackass.

- What? - [Breathing Heavily]

Is you crazy, man?

Is you crazy? You don't be talking to no white man like that.

He don't... They wanna be right even when they wrong. We's sorry, sir.

Very sorry, sir. Didn't mean to hurt ya.

Sorry. He must got one of them, that colored fever goin' round.

The boy is not feeling too well. Accept our apologies, please, sir.

- I'll accept yours. - Thank you.

But I don't like your friend's attitude.

You better change your attitude.

- Man, why did you do that? - What you talkin' about?

Didn't your pappy teach you nothin' about survival?

You don't talk to the white man like that.

Them people wanna be right even when they's wrong.

- [Dog Barking] - [Yells]

You see what you did?

You done put the dogs on us.

Oh, them dogs a lot smaller than Pappy said they was.

- Man, it's 1991. - [Indistinct]

- What did you say? - I said stop eyeballin' that white woman.

- With your fancy clothes on. - Man, you can have that if you so desire, brother.

This is 1991, man.

All that handkerchief head stuff don't play up here.

This is America. We are free. We can do what we want.

There he is, Officer. That's the one.

You done brought the slave catchers on us.

- Well, feets, don't fail me now. - Be cool. Be cool, man.

We haven't done anything wrong. Officer, I'm glad you're here. See, because...

All right, face down on the ground. Put your hands behind your back.

- Yes, sir! Yes, sir! - Wait a minute!

I said get down on your knees and get your hands behind your back!

I's down, sir. If I go any further, I'll be in China.

[Officer] You have...

- You have the right to remain silent. - Man, this is outrageous.

We didn't mean no harm, Mr. Slave Master, sir.

- You better shut up. - Yes, sir.

Please don't beat me. Don't beat me.

L-I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen.

Hush up. I'm not talking to you. You're free to go.

- I's free? - Yeah, keep moving.

Wait a minute now. I think he's in a singing group or something, man.

Yes, sir. I keep moving. That's a good idea.

Freedom don't seem to last too long around here.

♪♪ [Funk]

♪♪ [Man Raps]

[Man Speaking]

Good evening, and... welcome.

Tonight's story begins on the night ofJuly 22...

stardate 1990.

Henry Turner of Compton, California...

was robbed in his own home...

and severely beaten.

At 9:17 p.m., a call came in to the rescue center.

- Hello. 911. - Help me, please.

I'm hurt very badly.

They done gone upside my head. I'm bleeding like a stuck pig!

Well, calm down, sir. I need you to tell me where you live.

I live at 655121 st Street in Compton.

Sir, we don't have a rescue unit available right now...

but as soon as one is, we'll send it over right away.

What the hell?

Unfortunately, Mr. Turner could not be helped immediately.

Two minutes later, at 9:19 p.m., a second call came in from a different part of town.

Put it on screen.

Hello. 911.

Please help me. Fluffy is trapped in a tree!

Try to calm down, sir. I need you to tell me where you live.

I live at 31 Braymer Place in Beverly Hills.

- Okay, just relax, sir. A rescue unit is on its way. - [Siren Wailing]

Oh, God bless you. They're here!

Don't worry, Fluffy. Daddy's coming to save you!

At almost warp speed...

a rescue unit was on the scene to save cute, little Fluffy...

from possible disaster.

A little over an hour later, a third call came in.

Hello. 911.

Where the h-hell are y'all? I called over an hour ago.

Sir, calm down.

I told you we will have a rescue unit there as soon as possible.

What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?

They done whupped my natural behind, and they looting and pillaging!

[Scoffs] Sir, do you have any home insurance?

Home insur... Oh, they did it now.

They done stole my Al Green records.

[Shatner] Forty-five minutes later, still another call.

- Hello. 911. - There's a suspicious-looking man in our neighborhood.

He's coming towards my door.

Help me! Help.

- Are you white? - Yes! And Republican.

Don't worry, ma'am. A unit is on its way.

[Shatner] Miraculously, the criminal was apprehended and taken away.

Hey, let me go, man! I'm the one that called you in the first place!

I crawled over 'cause I knew you'd come to this neighborhood.

Man, they stole my Al Green records! I ain't no Rodney King.

The suspect seemed to be suffering from delusions and was taken to sick bay.

Bones, how's the prisoner?

I think he'll be all right, Jim, but I won't know anything definite for a couple of hours.

I haven't got a couple ofhours!

Sorry. That concludes tonight's show.

Remember, the rescue unit is always there to serve you...

as long as you live in the right neighborhood.

Good night.

Scotty, one to beam up.

[Announcer]Join us next time for another Rescue Whenever.

- [Woman] Where you going, baby? - I'll be back in a minute.

Well, hurry up.

[Woman] Where you goin'? I was so close.

Don't worry, baby. Keep the sheets warm.

- Did you get some? - Yeah, I got some... lockjaw.

I hear that. Wait a minute. Damn, man! I gotta get home.

- My wife's gonna kill me. - Would you relax?

I'm trying. Oh, man! I left my wedding ring in there too!

I am telling you to chill. I know just the place.

They will take care of you. Man, I've been going there for years.

- Ha-ha! - Where are we?

Man, this is called the One Night Stand.

- You mean everybody in here... - That is right.

All these guys cheated on their wives and girlfriends.

See, this is a place where we come to cover our tracks.

Come on. I'll show you around. Yo, Murray!

- I want you to meet my man here Greg. - How are you cats?

Chasing the birds again? All right. New here, huh?

Yeah. Look, I lost my wedding ring, and I am panicking.

All right. We got 14, 18 and 24 karats.

Uh, well, mine was gold-plated.

Let me guess... Home Shopping Club.

- You're right. - Don't worry about it. We got tons of those.

Hey! Hey, this is a perfect match!

Now, did you forget anything else?

Well, actually I did. I forgot my, um...

- Boxers or briefs? - Briefs.

- Lightly stained? - Yeah.

Hey, man. This is great! But I still don't have an excuse.

Check it out. Murray, kick it.

- The usual, Bob? - You got it.

- [Tape: Beeping] - Hey, Maggie? Yeah, I'm still in surgery.

- Doctor, she's hemorrhaging! - Suture!

Damn it, honey. I gotta go save a life. Kiss the kids for me.

Hey, that's great, but what about me?

- Okay, let me guess. She's a crier, right? - Yeah.

All right. Flowers should take care of that.

Gets sentimental sometimes?

Well, I'm really embarrassed to say this, but she's into baby talk pretty deep.

Then we're gonna need the big guns on this one. Please don't be mad.

This place thinks of everything! I guess now I can go home.

- Wait a minute. Did you wear protection? - No, actually.

Come on, man. Hey, Doc! You got a minute?

Oh, sure, Bob, sure. Got your test results back.

You're super-clean, my brother.

Here, and I got some ointment for you.

- This will take care of that little itch. - Thanks, Doc.

See, Doc Willoughby here runs the health clinic.

He can cure you of any social disease imaginable.

And he's had almost all of them.

- Whoo! - Man, you guys have thought of everything.

It is a rough world out there.

- Brothers gotta stick together. - I hear you.

Phase one alert.

My wife hired a private detective.

They got pictures, hard evidence, you name it.

Get the lawyers. Set up a dummy corporation.

We gotta hide this man's assets but quick.

- What's the name of your ex-wife-to-be? - Uh, Robin Givens.

I'm calling Witness Relocation. Doc, this man needs a new face.

No problem. I can rebuild that.

The next time I decide to hit it and quit it, I'm coming to the One Night Stand.

- Look here, let me borrow your membership. - Oh, no, my brother.

You got to get your own.

- Do the heartless hang out here? - [Laughing]

♪♪ [Dance]

- Get rid of the loot. - Are you crazy? That's half a million dollars in here!

It's evidence, man! Get rid of it.

- Come on. - [Distant Sirens Wailing]

Hey, what the hell hit me in my head?

Oh, wow. Look at all this money.

Damn, I feel like Donald Trump...

except I'm standing in a Dumpster and I smell real bad.

[Cackling]

I'm rich! I'm rich! Yee-ha!

[Whimpering]

Hip-hip and Cheerios and all that Rice Krispies, my dearJenkins.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Uh, your clothes have arrived from the dry cleaners.

Oh, great. What about that dirty, sweaty urine smell?

They added it, sir, just as you asked.

Perfect.

- Now that I'm rich, you know... - [Flies Buzzing]

These flies just ain't flies anymore.

They're dependants.

Ha! 'Cept that one.

Say, Jenkins, you get my wheels out of the shop?

Yes, sir.

Very good. All right. They got my cart phone in here.

I'd better get my broker on the line.

[Doorbell Rings]

We're here to see a Mr. Anton Jackson.

This way, please.

Hey, listen, bitch!

I said I want a hundred shares of ripple!

I know it's goin' down, but believe me, I know my ripple.

It'll be comin' up real soon.

Uh, Mr. Jackson...

you've recently come into a lot of money...

and you haven't paid any taxes.

We're here to examine your assets.

Oh, all right. Well, you can look at my asset...

but he gonna have to turn his head.

- [Clears Throat] - Anyway, never mind that.

What it that over there?

Oh, I'll show you. Shall we?

This here is my art collection.

And, uh, how much did you pay for that?

- That cost me $20,000. - $20,000?

$20,000. It's a scratch-and-sniff, see?

Whoa, that smell like me.

Never mind about that.

Now, this... is that... is that a butterfly collection?

Oh, this. No, this is my booger collection.

Oh, man.

I got this one in '68 during the march.

I was very political back then.

- This I took off this little kid's nose. - Excuse me!

- Oh, I thought that was me! - [Gasps]

You know, that ain't too ladylike, you know.

Do you wanna get married, doll?

Getting back to your audit...

our calculations show that there is still $70 unaccounted for.

Well, I gave 50 to Charity.

- Which charity? - Charity Winslow.

She work the corner of 125th and 7 th Avenue.

And Clarence wiped the other 20.

You mean he stole it.

No, he ran out of toilet paper. He wiped it.

- I still got it, if you want... - No, no, no.

That's okay. Anyway, you owe the I.R.S. $387,000.

It looks like we're gonna have to seize everything you own.

No, no, no. I ain't going out like Redd Foxx.

I happen to know that according to Article 4-25...

of the United States tax code...

an individual is entitled...

to 4.5 percent...

of his lifetime income...

which is compounded by the interest earned...

over the same period of time.

And how did you know that?

Well, I slept behind H&R Block for about two years.

That's reason 22... my back hurt.

- [Laughing] - Okay, we'll let you keep the, uh, portrait.

But I'll take that gold belt and all of your other hard assets.

You don't want my hard asset.

- [Laughs] - [Clearing Throat]

Okay. I guess you do.

- Oh, man! - [Gasps]

I tell you what... you can have my liquid asset too.

Hey, look, man. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- We're not heartless, man. You can have that. - And leave.

- Go. - Leave.

- Away. - Go.

Thanks for watching the show tonight, and I guess it's... good night!

See ya!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]