Original subtitles

[dramatic synthesizer music]

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪

♪ Let that feeling pass ♪

♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪

♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

[atmospheric synthesizer music]

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Me?

It wasn't me.

It was him.

It was not!

It was her.

How dare you?

♪ Rolling on the highway ♪

♪ Rolling out a mobile home ♪

♪ When I get back home, I like to keep my tailpipe warm ♪

♪ Laying in the tub I like to blow out a bubble or two ♪

♪ Well, honey don't you know I always save the best for you ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪

♪ Let that feeling pass ♪

♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪

♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ Staring at the cooler, I like a little apple juice ♪

♪ And it makes it extra special ♪

♪ When I know that you are there ♪

♪ Goin' to the kitchen warming up a can of beans ♪

♪ Cover it with catsup, it's a whole mess right there ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ If you're all blown up inside ♪

♪ Let that be your pass ♪

Primo lady.

Real primo stuff.

Leave me alone.

What do you think you're trying to pull here?

What do you think this is?

Hey, I've been in a lot of crappers in my life, lady,

but I never smelled anything like that.

Get lost!

Beautiful.

[upbeat music]

[Russell farts]

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪

♪ Let that feeling pass ♪

Damn, I told her I hate day old meatloaf.

♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ Life's ♪ [Russell farts]

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

[upbeat music]

[farts]

[farts]

[humming]

Any reminders for me today, Ethel?

Eight o'clock tonight, Moby Dick on Channel 3.

Thanks Ethel.

104.

How you guys doing?

Moby Dick's on tonight.

[humming]

Honey, is that you?

Russell, are you there?

In the flesh.

Oh, hi honey. [smacks lips]

When there's a commercial, will you come on up?

I'll be up in a second, Heather.

[farts] Channel 2, nine o'clock.

Channel 4

10 o'clock. [farts]

[TV] Hey, Roxie, I taught Rocks how to count.

[farts] We gotta help

[spits]

How was your day, sweetheart?

[farts]

Nothing special, what's for dinner?

Honey, you know what tonight is.

Of course I know what tonight is.

It's New Year's Eve.

You said we'd go out and celebrate.

I didn't say for sure, honey, I said we'd talk about it.

Heather, head for the trenches.

It's the big one coming.

[ground rumbles]

[farts excessively]

Whoa, whoa.

4.90, best one this week.

[laughs]

Aftershock coming!

[ground rumbles] [farts excessively]

[sighs]

Ha, ha.

[farts]

Bingo.

[doorbell rings]

How you doing, Mr. N., brought by your regular.

[farts] Yeah.

Wanna come in and have a brewsky with me, Kevin?

[Kevin] Gee, I'd really like to, Mr. N,

but you know how it is, New Year's Eve, and all that.

Got a lot of deliveries to make.

Well, maybe another time.

[defeated music]

Wanna brewski, babe? No, I don't wanna beer,

I want you to get ready.

I am ready.

Ready for you babe.

[farts] No you don't, not this time.

It's New Year's Eve.

You promised me on your word of honor

that we were to go out and have some fun.

Like what? You know, dance,

boogie,

get down, go crazy. Are you nuts?

You expect me to go out

on one of the best nights on the tube

and miss a cavalcade of talent?

Yes. Not on your life.

I mean, we got choices here, babe.

We could chuckle with Johnny or Redd,

pretend we're on the Bandstand with the Clarksman,

rap with MC on MTV,

watch the Hulkster or little Stevie Urkel,

sneak a peak at Mr. Ed,

or catch a flick on Nick.

[farts]

[sighs]

And then we can get it on with the big ball.

And when it goes down, I go up.

And at the stroke of midnight,

it'll be our own personal fireworks display, babe.

Come on, Russell, you're not being fair.

We haven't been out together in almost seven months.

I wanna party tonight, not listen to you pass.

Wanna party, we'll party.

Call up a few people, invite 'em over.

We got plenty of suds, lots of chips and dip,

and I'll cook us up some of my very own special:

guaranteed to set you right

and clear up your nasal drip chili.

[farts]

Invite who, Russell?

We don't have any friends anymore, remember?

Whatcha mean we don't have any friends?

We got plenty of friends.

Name some.

Robin and Justine.

We haven't seen Robin and Justine for over six months.

Yeah, right.

What about Wilford and Beth?

Haven't seen them for a year.

Dale and Linda?

Hiram and Camille?

Well, what about that nice couple, uh,

the one next door, Lucy and Richard?

They moved out two months ago.

They did, why?

They couldn't take it anymore.

Take what? [farts]

That!

What? That, what you just did.

I didn't do anything.

[farts]

[Heather] You see, you did it again.

I, I broke wind.

Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it?

It's a bad habit, Russell.

Don't you understand,

you're obsessed with doing it all the time.

Not true. [farts]

The only thing you're more obsessed with

is that stupid boob tube.

If they ever allowed that,

that habit of yours on television,

you'd never leave the house.

The way you keep bringing it up all the time,

you're obsessed with my obsession.

I am not obsessed with your obsession.

It just bothers me.

You should learn to control yourself a little more,

that's all.

I let off a little gas now and then.

No big deal. A little gas?

You've got enough gas in you

to solve the world's energy crisis.

If George Bush knew about you,

he would have left Saddam Hussein keep Kuwait.

[farts]

[sighs]

Ugh,

you see?

You don't even know when you do it.

Of course I know when I do it.

No you don't.

You do it so much now

that even dogs and children run away from you.

Passing gas is nature's way

of putting a grin on your face and a smile in your heart.

And a knife in everyone else's heart.

Come on, Heather.

Everybody's gotta relieve the old digestive system

once in a while. Not like you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I happen to know

Dan Quale can clear the senate chamber

in a matter of seconds.

I even heard your mother let off a bomb or two.

My mother doesn't...

Say it.

Bomber.

The real gazoo.

Slice city, the little sneaker,

the big As far as I'm concerned,

I do not wish to discuss this subject any further.

Case closed.

Fart.

Fart,

fart.

Fart.

Are you coming with me tonight, or not?

[laughs]

When you say fart.

Say it, fart, [farts] fart.

Fart, fart, fart, fart, fart.

[screams]

[laughs] [farts]

[upbeat music]

♪ Get yourself alone and get yourself a beer ♪

♪ Go on and sit back on a mobile ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

♪ Well, I had a bad dream ♪

♪ But it gets good ♪

♪ Just get me Hannah ♪

♪ If she can't call you ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

[people chatting]

Heather, so good to see you.

You know, it's funny, Duane was just saying,

"I wonder if Heather and Russell are coming,"

and now, here you are.

What a small world.

It's good to see you, too, April.

Duane, aren't you going to say hello to Heather?

Duane?

Uh, yes dear.

Hello, Heather.

Nice to see you.

I say, nice.

Where's Russell?

He couldn't make it.

He's a little under the weather.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I was so looking forward to seeing him.

So, tell me,

has his little problem cleared up yet?

Oh, there you are, dearie.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

I came to rescue you.

April and Duane are such little farts, aren't they?

Why such a long face?

You're supposed to be happy on New Year's Eve,

not an old sad sack.

What you need is a good stiff drink.

No, no, I don't wanna drink.

You know it makes me feel silly.

Tell Lavina what's wrong between you and Russell.

There's nothing wrong. Mmm, come, come.

Lavina knows when there's trouble in the air.

Really.

Everything's just fine, except...

Except for what?

[Heather] Except for Russell's habit.

No one wants to be around us anymore.

It's like we don't exist.

Whenever anyone sees Russell coming,

they do a 180 and disappear.

Even our cat moved out.

Well, I'm glad you told me

because I have the perfect solution to your predicament.

You do?

Mouthwash, dearie. Mouthwash?

Why mouthwash?

Because Russell's breath is so bad

it could knock the buzzards off a shit wagon.

Are you sure you're talking about my Russell?

Russell Nussbomber?

The one and the same.

Harry Halitosis Nussbomber. [laughs]

You in a court, not Clancy's pool room.

Sit down.

I'm a victim of circumstance.

Ah. Who you hittin'?

Ow! Get going.

[chuckling] Be quiet, keep quiet.

I got my food.

I got my friends.

I got my farting.

Who needs Heather?

And I got my TV set.

What do you think of that show?

Proceed. Ow!

It's funny, right?

You don't like this show?

In the water.

As a matter of fact, everybody in the water.

Guys, come on, let's go, come on.

[laughing]

[farts]

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

Russell doesn't have bad breath.

Russell

he has...

He farts!

[chuckles] There, I said it.

What are you gonna do about it?

Fart!

Fart!

Fark!

Do you fark?

Well, yes, yes ma'am, on occasion.

Only when the need arises.

But can you hold it in if you have to?

Well, I do my best.

Russell can't.

He's obsessed with farting.

[Russell] Because you're obsessed with my obsession.

Did you hear that?

Oh, Joan. Oh, Leah!

We're so glad you're back.

A woman's place is in the home next to her man,

not out gallivanting at some dumb party.

Now, everybody kiss everybody.

Leonora, you think Kiss Pete.

Oh, David, you're completely impossible.

Where are you, Heather?

[TV characters chatting]

[static hissing]

[guns firing] [western music]

[Heather] If they ever allowed that,

that habit of yours on television,

you would never leave the house.

[static hissing]

Don't you just hate it when people fart?

You're having a nice romantic dinner,

and you lean over the table and look deeply into her eyes,

and she farts, real loud,

not a slider.

There are many ways not to use the word fart.

She says, "Spring is in the air,"

and you say, "Right, it was until your spring sprung."

In the 1300's we'd say that Gwendolyn broke wind.

Now that sounds like a nasty fart.

A healthy cow produces 1,000 times more flatulence a year

than a healthy person.

But we don't generally take cows to dinner.

They'd be a bit shocked to see what prime rib really is.

Farting is simply a body function.

You call 'em as you smell 'em.

Was it a fart or simply your husband's cooking?

Why ruin the English language trying to explain farting?

We say, "Oh, I ate something that didn't agree with me."

"What?"

"You had a heated political discussion"

"with some green onions?"

"So you ate them just to get revenge."

And why do people point to the dog when their companion

smells their fart?

Even my dog, after she farts, stands up,

looks at the nearest person,

nods her head, says aha, and lays back down again.

Someday, there won't be a person there for her

and she'll have to face the awful truth.

Someday, the dog won't be there for you.

Farts have invaded our language.

On TV we have Fart Simpson, a wiseass little kid.

In history, we have the word fartkin,

which means little fart.

What an endearing word.

It's almost Shakespearian.

Can you imagine?

Yonder comes Juliet with her fair fartkin behind her.

Oh, and of course, a sleeping bag is a fart sack.

You're camping.

What would be more seductive than to say,

"Oh, you ravishing beauty."

"Come and join me in my fart sack."

An old fart

is just someone that's been hanging around in the wind

a little too long.

We call authors auteurs.

Do we call farters farteurs?

And what's a polite thing to say

when your date is farting a lot?

How about,

"I hate the smell of new car interiors."

So, watch her in a theater.

Try it anyway.

She might appreciate it.

And when did we begin describing farts

as low-flying ducks?

You know, you're in your bed with your wife one night,

and you let one out. [blows raspberry]

You say,

"Low-flying ducks," and that explains it.

Sure, I'd rather have a water fowl in my bedroom

at 2:00 a.m. too. Yeah.

Well, we talk about farts be they fartkins

or major methane.

You can run and lie, or you can run and hide.

But we all generally know who the farteur

in the group generally is.

So, don't blame the dog anymore.

Just argue harder with the onions.

This is Andy Rudney for the evening news.

[static hissing]

Do you suffer from unnecessary gastric distress?

End bothersome flatulence now by calling 1800STOPGAS.

This is a 24hour number to the Vapor hotline

at the world famous Acetal Center.

This number has saved millions of lives and relationships.

The Acetal Center is here to help you.

We at the Acetal Center

know the constant grinds and churns of your intestines.

Are you nervous or anxious?

Is it stress,

or merely Mexican food?

If you or someone you love has these symptoms,

get their ass to Acetal.

Remember, we're here to help.

Our list of clients include people just like you.

With us today are a few of those people to give testimonial

of what the Acetal Center can do for them.

Thank you, Harry, for giving me the opportunity

to tell others how Acetal has changed my life,

and brought me back into society.

Before Acetal, I was a bubbling bag of asphyxia,

and I didn't even know it.

I work for myself,

and I find so much fulfillment and freedom in working alone.

You see, I have the successful and satisfying career

of envelope stuffing that I just happened upon

when reading the label from a can of refried beans.

I've never worked with anyone.

So I'd fart, and I'd think nothing of it.

I just never had a clue.

Sure, I'd feel these innocent little wisps of wind

jetting past my cheeks,

but I was alone, so it didn't matter.

When a visitor came to my house, I'd notice that

after a few minutes of their being in a room with me,

they'd have developed an underbite

and start breathing heavily through their mouth.

It took years for me to realize

that they were trying to blow fresh air up their nose.

No one ever stayed for a very long time.

And those underbites had me baffled.

Occasionally, someone would tactfully mention

that there was an awful gas smell in the room.

Today, I am a changed woman, and I have returned to society.

Lucy that is truly a deep and touching story.

Could you tell our audience about the support group

that you belong to?

Believe me folks, you are not alone.

I should mention that

the announcer is a member of my terrific support group,

along with a host of others that are here with us now.

Next, my friend and personal sponsor

would like to say a few words.

Howie?

Very nice introduction, Lucy.

I'm from Whistle Britches, Pennsylvania,

and I'm a member of Acetal.

One of the reasons that we make this program work

is that we identify that we have a problem

and that we stink.

You have made a most remarkable recovery, Mr. Farts.

Do you have any closing comments?

Yes.

This is an equal opportunity disease.

It affects all of us in society,

and that's why I'm here today.

I'm proud to say that I fart,

and now I'm an active member of Acetal,

the society that's helped me belong to society again.

And I would like to add that

because of the animal abuse facility at Acetal,

I am now a committed animal rights activist.

[barking and laughing]

Thank you, Howie,

Lucy, and those of you who didn't have a chance to speak,

remember as you sit there farting into your sofa cushion

afraid to get up, that we can help you.

That number again is 1800STOPGAS.

I'm Harry Butts from the Acetal Center.

[upbeat music]

You wanna play doctor? Okay.

You operate, and I'll sue.

[Mike] Well, if you miss her so much,

you know, you should go and tell her.

It doesn't matter that I miss her.

She doesn't miss me.

She's never gonna take me back.

I'm a jerk.

Why?

I mean, what could you have done that's so terrible?

Did you hit her? No, oh god, no.

I love her, Mike.

I would never do anything to her.

On purpose.

Then, she'll forgive you.

Listen, if I tell you why she left,

you have to keep this quiet.

I'm your roommate.

You can tell me. Okay.

Mike,

I love to fart.

What?

I know it's not a good thing to do,

but it's just so much fun.

Farting?

Right.

For instance, Lisa and I will go to the mall,

clothes shopping for her,

that's boring to me.

I just start farting.

Where?

Right there in the store.

I'd squeeze off a couple of steamers, you know,

no noise, all smell.

Then I'd walk away and watch someone else walk through it.

You're warped, man.

Still, there's nothing better than a deep base fart

that they hear all through the store.

I had people stop on the outside and comment on it.

Lisa left you because of your farting?

Right.

She couldn't understand it.

I tried to teach her to fart.

That's awful.

Well,

she just couldn't get the hang of it.

She wasn't built to break wind.

Now me, mmm, if the Olympics had a farting event,

I could go home with a gold medal.

I'm sure your parents would be so proud.

Oh, hell, my dad was worse than I was.

He could rip one that would cloud the whole room.

Ha.

When I was young, he would take me to the office, and...

My favorite part was we get on the elevator

I don't wanna hear this. Listen.

He taught me how to modulate farting.

You see, I used to just let go, full force, let 'em fly,

but he taught me that a subtle fart

has more power than a loud one.

Thrilling.

Really.

You know, I would love to stay and chat,

but I got some place to be.

Where?

Anywhere but here.

Listen, Dave, I don't, I mean, I understand

Lisa's trip, but one thing I don't understand

is that you and I have been roommates six months.

I never heard you fart.

You know what you are?

You're a closet farter.

[upbeat music]

[farts]

[sighs]

[crying]

That's what happened to me and Heather.

I should have had her stay here with me.

I should have been nice to her.

If I was nice to her, none of this would have happened.

I'm a nice guy.

So I fart.

There's nothing wrong with that.

[Announcer] All right, let's bring him on, yeah.

[farts] [sighs]

Thank you.

Actually, there are six classifications of farts.

There is the fizz, fuzz,

fizz, fuzz, rip, shit, tear your ass, and the rattler.

[audience laughs]

The most worse kind of fart though

is the fart that comes without any warning at all.

You know, you're in a crowded room,

an elevator, somebody fluffs their buns,

and all of a sudden your eyes start to water?

Little later, the smell comes there

without warning at all.

It's sort of the scud of farts.

[audience laughs]

That, my friend, is the most unkindest fart of all.

Anyway, we call that an SBD.

It's sort of the stealth fart.

SBD is Silent, But Deadly.

[audience laughs]

Today's youth, however, are missing the real enjoyment

of a good utilitarian fart.

I mean, the,

the reason God created farts in the first place.

As an aside, when I was a kid,

I used to think that a fart was a build up inside you

that was used to push the shit out.

[audience laughs]

I have been assured that is not the case.

Anyway, there is no greater pleasure

than going into a dark movie theater,

sitting down,

cutting an incredibly, bodacious, fire-breathing fart,

and lighting it.

Now, that's kind of a lost art, I admit that.

That's kind of a lost art.

It's gone away of the 25cent flick,

and pushing over outhouses, and it's a damn shame.

For those of you who are uninitiated with the,

the finer techniques of lighting a fart, first of all,

they always look best in a crowded dark theater.

[audience laughs]

What you do is you sit down and you place your feet

in front of the chair in front of you.

You light a match and gently place it between your legs,

and this is the important part not to forget, then

you cut lose with an incredible fart.

I tell you, really, there is nothing prettier

than seeing a six inch blue flame

coming shooting out of somebody's

[audience laughs]

[scoffs] How rude.

You don't know what you're talking about.

[toilet flushes] [audience laughs]

However, the young children must be advised

not to try this at home alone.

We were professionals.

[audience laughs]

And there can be nothing more sad

than watching someone that you really love and care about

burn all the hair off his ass

by a lit fart gone astray.

[audience laughs]

The upside of this, however, is that lit farts don't smell.

Now,

like necrophilia, everybody has a really great fart story.

[audience laughs]

Unfortunately, most people have the good

common decency not to tell them.

No such luck here, for I will tell mine.

Happened in college, true story,

biology class, big amphitheater-type class,

filled with people.

And sitting next to me, William Henry Ruple, III,

a wit in his own right.

William Henry, I believe, was voted the most likely to

either assassinate a president or a rock star.

The class was also filled with a lot of gorgeous women

that I knew could have been potential dates

until William Henry decided to fluff his buns.

Not an SBD folks, this was a rattler.

This was a rattler that this puppy had the potential

to get a Titan III rocket off the ground.

Now,

when the reverberation stopped in this

acoustically correct arena

and all heads start turning toward us...

Now, the average person, you see,

would be really embarrassed in a situation like that,

but not William Henry.

He just looked at me and said,

just loud enough for everybody to hear,

"My god, Don, that was rude."

[audience laughs]

What could I say, what could I say?

Anyway, just leave you with a couple of passing things,

one, a fart is a terrible thing to waste.

And second in the words of Confucius, you all know,

Confucius say, man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Thank you. [audience applauds]

Oh,

god.

[upbeat music]

My husband's sleeping with his secretary.

Oh, you poor thing, but brace yourself.

Mine is dating the new boy in the mail room.

[upbeat music]

[audience applauds]

Oh, thank you, thank you, this is...

Whoa.

I'm sorry, it's uh...

It seems the MC left a little

olfactory present up here for me.

I apologize.

I swear to God I'll do jokes for you in a minute

soon as I can get some oxygen.

Just, just hang on.

I don't mean to waste your time up here, but,

I swear to God, if I worked for CNN,

I'd be wearing a gas mask by now.

[audience laughs]

Oh, I don't mean to offend anyone out there

who's, who's, you know, really flatulent, but

God it's hard to tell jokes when you're trying to figure out

how long a man can stand in a cloud of noxious gas

without asphyxiating.

[laughing]

Oh, okay, I swear I'll do my act in just a sec.

This is just awful up here, man.

Can we turn on some air conditioning or something,

do some quick repairs on that wind he just broke?

'Cause this is harming me.

I don't, I don't mean to sound like one of these

reactionary antiflatulationists we've seen around.

That's not, that's not the point.

I do it myself now and again

when I need to, not just for fun.

If you do, I guess that's okay, too, but I just,

not up here, 'cause I gotta work here, man.

All right, I do.

I apologize, I'll get down to this.

It's just, ugh.

Y'all, don't be embarrassed.

Do we have any particularly flatulent people here tonight?

[women cheering]

Oh, yeah, just the MC, me once in a while,

and one lady sitting alone at a table.

[audience laughs]

Oh my god.

It's not a thing to be ashamed of.

I don't mean to be making fun of you, if, if,

'cause, you know, I'm sure everyone in this room

has farted at least one time.

Well, not at one time, that's not a pretty picture.

At one time or another, I'm sure we've all done it.

You have to, really, otherwise I guess

you fill up with methane and float off into space.

[audience laughs]

That's good, just sit tight.

I swear I will do jokes for you in

just a second, as soon as my eyes stop burning.

I'll be all over this thing.

Aye.

I know it's gotten ridiculous,

and I don't think the time is that far off,

you know, that we'll have completely outgrown

the whole farting taboo in the country,

and you'll be able to put on a bumper sticker that says,

"I fart loud, and I'm damn proud."

[audience laughs]

For the time being, just hang with me, I'll get to jokes.

I thought he was good, he was funny.

That was really funny. [laughs]

[static hissing]

[Announcer] Are you far from home?

Maybe you're on your own for the first time,

and you miss the ones you left at home.

We can make those pictures seem almost alive.

How?

With Fresh Wind.

[can farts]

That smells just like mom after dinner.

[can farts]

Ohh, that smells just like Dad's farts,

and it's even got a hint of his B.O. stench in there.

And remember those afternoon cookouts with Uncle Charlie?

[can farts]

Oh, gross me out, that is him.

It's like they're all right here with me.

And this one will take you back.

[can farts]

Oh, it's my high school locker room.

Fresh wind, the spray scent that brings the ones you love

right into the room with you.

Wow,

here's mom,

dad,

Uncle Charlie.

[can farts]

Oh, yuck.

These things are so gross, they make me wanna puke.

It's like I never left home.

Don't forget the special bonus can.

[can farts]

It's Fluffy, our dog.

Fresh wind.

They stink just like the real thing.

Oh, I miss you, Heather, so much.

[upbeat music]

Well, how old do you think I am?

Drop your pants, and I'll tell you.

You're 83.

83, that's amazing.

How did you figure that out?

You told me 10 minutes ago.

[upbeat music]

No, no, it's more like a balloon with the skin peeled off.

Let's review.

Rodney, our returning champion from Minneapolis, has $800.

Challengers Angela knows her stuff, with $1200,

and Leonard with zero.

We're ready to play the second half.

Contestants,

fart in please.

[all farting]

Well, you sound ready, so let's play Who

Cut

the Cheese. [audience applauds]

All right contestants, please,

identify

this fart.

[farts] [upbeat music]

[farts]

Rodney.

That's a rotten egg fart?

[audience applauds]

Yeah.

And contestants, here's the next one.

I didn't hear anything.

[Host] Angela.

Silent but deadly. Yes, for $200 and the lead.

My Angela, you sure know your flatulence.

My parents raised me to be a lady.

[laughs]

Oh that girl, whoa baby.

And Leonard, what's the matter with you?

We haven't heard from you in a while.

I knew that one, but I couldn't fart in time.

If you wanna win, you gotta be fast on the fart.

But we're gonna help you out.

Pierre, bring Leonard a bean burrito.

And now, let's hear about the prizes we have

for today's losing contestants.

[Announcer] I'd love to, Bob.

Of course, every contestant receives the home version

of Who Cut the Cheese.

And for each losing contestant,

we have that special consolation cologne.

That special fragrance that everyone knows it's you.

That special fragrance that lingers

even after you've left the room.

Of course, Bob, I'm talking about Eau de Barking Spiders,

from the house of Barking Spiders,

that unisex scent that lingers.

Now, back to you, Bob, and more Who Cut the Cheese.

[audience applauds]

Well, they're sure some swell gifts.

Gosh.

But now let's get to the segment we call

Farts of the Rich and Famous.

Now, this fart, contestants,

is the property of Madonna,

Cher,

or Rosanne Barr.

[farts]

Rodney? Rosanne Barr.

No.

[farts] Angela?

Cher?

No, too bad, tough tomato.

Leonard?

Gotta be Madonna.

But Leonard, you know the rules.

You have to fart in before you give the answer.

[fart squeaks]

Oh, that was a pathetic fart.

I personally would be ashamed of a fart like that.

But let's hear your answer, Leonard.

Madonna. No.

Minus $800.

Contestants, the answer is

who cares.

That's right, contestants, who cares.

Now, the judges would also accept

I don't give a shit.

[audience applauds]

[upbeat music]

That's what I was gonna say.

Holy...

Yeah, who really gives a shit, you know what I mean?

Contestants, now a little nostalgia.

Instead of speaking, this beloved entertainer would

[blows horn]

So contestants,

when Harpo Marx wanted to pass gas in a movie,

was his trademark sound A, [whistle shrills]

B, [baby cries], or C [bells ring]?

Oh, I know this one, I know this one.

[grunting]

Oh no.

Too bad, Leonard, disqualification.

Pierre?

And I knew the answer to that one.

Tough break, kid.

Angela, Rodney,

[farts loudly]

Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of time, but till next time folks,

may all your farts be dry ones.

[audience applauds] [upbeat music]

[farts]

Oh come on.

It had to be her.

What the?

This is good pizza.

What is Heather doing?

Oh man.

I'll put some of this on, yeah.

Oh, banana, oh god, it's a good banana, too.

Dates, oh.

It's always tough to go on a date

when you're always breaking wind.

There's not too many places you can go with a girl.

You know, you go some place,

and you'd have to lean to the left, lean to the right,

make a little small talk.

There's, uh, one other thing I'd like to mention.

Oh man.

Where is Heather?

Oh, man, where are you Heather?

[upbeat music]

Last week, I asked my husband for money

to make our home a better living environment.

So, what did he do?

He gave me $10,000 and told me to move out.

[gasps] How rude.

Bong his ass.

It's about time. [gong tolls]

Well, drive easy next time. Stewy, Stewy, Stewy,

why did you bong for Harvey

when he was so close to the world's record?

I just couldn't take it anymore.

Can you tell me if I'm going to get lucky tonight?

Charles, we'll get to that later.

Right now, let's get going. [audience applauds]

[upbeat music]

Oh, I'll put the blindfold on.

Nope, can't see a thing. [giggling]

Just stretching.

All right.

May we have our first volunteer from the audience?

[audience applauds]

All right, stand right there next to the Madam, and

let her have it.

[farts]

Mmm.

Mmm, very fragrant.

It's obviously a woman.

You like to wear silk panties.

[audience laughs]

Are you sure, Madam?

Oh yes, very sure.

I'm smelling you are not a vegetarian,

and you like to sleep alone.

[Host] Eh, no, wait, wait.

Let's let the madam try again.

[Madam] Was I wrong?

Just a little.

Well, sometimes it takes a little while

to get the juices flowing.

Oh, uhhuh.

Well, let's have our next volunteer from the audience.

[audience applauds]

You little rascal, you.

[laughing]

Barris Chuck, you are so funny, man.

[farts]

Whoo, what a lot of musk.

You are a very virile man.

[audience laughs] Boo, oh, boo.

[gong tolls]

Oh, oh.

Oh Morgan. That's terrible.

Yes, it was. She's terrible.

Oh, I'm sorry Madam.

Well, I guess your ancient art just couldn't [laughs]

cut the cheese.

[audience applauds]

A fraudulent old woman with poor taste in clothing.

Is that right, yeah. That's right.

Wrong card, sorry.

Well, folks, so far it's Patty's Poopstained Poodle

is in the lead with 27 points.

And what a delight they were, huh folks? [laughs]

Anyway, let's bring out our final contestant,

who just might give Pat and her pets

a run for their money.

Oh, they are so good,

they are three men who really are barbers,

and they practice their musical act

[laughs] between haircuts.

All right, let's all welcome The Skunk Cabbage Boys.

[audience applauds] [upbeat music]

[harmonizing]

[farting America the Beautiful]

Oh,

oh,

oh!

That was fantastic.

Do you sing, too? [laughs]

Well, let's see how you did with our panel of judges.

Stewy?

I give them a 10,

which starts with T,

which stands for talent, Barris.

[audience applauds]

And how 'bout you, Morgon?

Definite fart art.

I also give them a 10.

[audience applauds]

And Charles, Charles, what did you think

of The Skunk Cabbage Boys?

I want those guys to play at my nephew's Bar Mitzvah.

Oh, they're great.

10 from Stewy,

10 from Morgan,

and another 10, that's super all the way.

All right! All the way.

[audience applauds]

That's 30 points,

making you this week's grand prize winners!

[audience applauds]

[harmonizing]

[upbeat music]

That was really funny. [laughs]

Oh, I miss you Heather, so much.

So, this guy goes to a psychiatrist for the first time.

The shrink decides to give him a test.

So, he draws a picture of a square.

"What does this remind you of?"

Guy says, "Breaking wind."

So, then he draws a picture of a circle.

"And this?"

The guy says, "Breaking wind."

Then he draws a picture of an orange,

a picture of a chair, and a tree.

Breaking wind, breaking wind, breaking wind.

"What is this obsession you have with breaking wind?"

The psychiatrist says.

Guy says, "Me?"

"You're the one drawing the pictures."

[laughing]

[Russell] Because you're obsessed with my obsession.

[static hissing]

[church music]

Friends,

I am here today to exercise you from the pangs of the devil,

and fill your hearts, your minds, you souls,

and particularly your gullets,

with the spirit of the Lord.

Now, in my travels, my crusades throughout this

great land of ours, I have broken bread with many a sinner.

That's right.

I said sinner.

I said sinner, because many of these fellow travelers

have thought nothing

of breaking wind while they are breaking bread.

Farting!

Passing gas!

Exploding in a veritable cacophony

of sound and smell in my presence.

Now,

earlier in my calling,

I took the path of forgiveness

for they know not what they do.

When I heard the blast and smelled the gas, I let it pass.

I turned the other cheek so to speak.

But after several years

of observing these sinners,

shoveling a disgusting array of food down their mouths

and then happily letting go at the other end,

I realized that if the Lord

wanted us to create such massive amounts

of intestinal gas, he wouldn't have said honor thy father.

He'd have said honor thy farter!

Because

of this weakened display

throughout this great land of ours is as plain

and painful

as a pimple on a baby's behind,

farting is the devil's work.

That's right, sinners.

After years of observing and exposing myself

to restaurants filled with pandemonious assholes

reverberating with the sound of the devil's thunder,

after years of fast food stands and cocktail parties,

after years of spying in supermarket aisles,

after years

of observing the unmitigated crap

you sinners shovel down your mouths time and time again,

I realize it is the work of the devil now.

The Lord madeth man in his own images.

He put Adam and Eve

in a Garden of Eden laden with holy fruits.

Fruits that would pass cleanly

and silently through the intestinal highway.

Holy food in,

and holy sewage out.

But then came the devil, sinners, and the apple was tainted.

Adam ate that tainted apple and immediately

had an intestinal attack

that would have asphyxiated half of Cleveland.

The devil danced and applaud, while the Lord

gagging and holding his nose, no doubt,

gave Adam the heave ho.

But the devil is still dancing, sinners.

He dances every time you take a bite into that burrito

and let go of the thunderclap at the other end.

He cackles with glee whenever you step into an elevator

and thicken the air with your noxious anal antics

after a threemartini lunch.

He laughs every time you step into bed

and stink up your sheets

after midnight snacking on that leftover Chinese takeout

that has been decomposing in the refrigerator for a week.

Oh, sure, wash it down with a bottle of beer.

Do you think the bubbles will help?

There is a light

at the end of your intestinal tunnel, sinners.

For those of you who care to choose the path

of victual purity,

there is relief

and enlightenment.

I have here in my hand

a just published,

Reverend Purgess Manual for a Fart-free Diet.

Yes.

Yours truly,

Reverend Purgess

after years of painstaking research,

and three successful hemorrhoidal operations,

praise the Lord,

has diagrammed

a program designed

and guaranteed

to effectively exorcise

the dancing devils in your upper and lower colon.

Yes,

just send me $49.95, plus $2 postage and handling.

Read and apply what I have set to paper,

and you

who have discharged with the devil,

can stroll handinhand fume free

with the Lord.

Amen.

Why is everybody so against me farting?

Just because I do it on the outside

doesn't make me a criminal, does it?

I mean, I'm no phony Johnnycomelately farter.

I fart because I have to fart.

And I don't intend to stop farting till the end of time.

Because, [dramatic music]

because,

because

farting is my life.

And it's my constitutional right

as a law abiding citizen to fart.

As God is my witness,

I swear, I'll never stop farting again.

[triumphant music]

[upbeat music]

I have a special treat for all you dear people.

The Medicine Wheel Band has agreed to perform for us.

[audience applauds]

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪

♪ Let that feeling pass ♪

♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪

♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ Rolling on the highway ♪

♪ Rolling in a mobile home ♪

♪ When I get back home I like to keep my tail pipe warm ♪

♪ Laying in the tub I like to blow out a bubble or two ♪

♪ Well, honey don't you know I always save the best for you ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪

♪ Let that feeling pass ♪

♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪

♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ Staring at the cooler, I like a little apple juice ♪

♪ And it makes it extra special ♪

♪ When I know that you are here ♪

♪ Going to the kitchen warming up a can of beans ♪

♪ Cover it with catsup it's a whole mess right there ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪

♪ Let that feeling pass ♪

♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪

♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

[guitar riff]

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ When you're all blown up inside ♪

♪ Let that feeling pass ♪

♪ Holding back's a waste of time ♪

♪ Blow it out of your behind ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

♪ Life's ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Gas ♪

[audience applauds]

[static hissing]

[Announcer] You went wild for Young MC Crazy,

or Run D.M.C.

Now let your systems reel for MC Gaseous.

Yes, you can have his first Special Edition album

that includes such up and coming hits as

Blow Me Away, Can't Eat That,

Love Me, Touch Me, Smell Me,

Release It, Something Burns Within,

Blowing in the Wind, Yo Yo Yo Beans,

Let's Air Our Differences, That Was I,

Fresh Air For Mikey,

and the new dance sensation,

Do The Butt Fan.

Buy now and you'll receive a special recording

of Celebrity Farts.

Hear those you admire most cut one,

break wind and let it go.

This offer is not available in record stores,

so order now by calling 1800555FART,

or send check or money order to M.C. Gaseous,

P.P. Box 1781 Billings, Montana,

95619.

Don't miss this chance to add these fine albums

to your collection.

Oh, I gotta get that record, I gotta get that record.

Whoo!

[static hissing]

Why so glum, Heather? I miss Russell.

Hmm, well I certainly don't.

It's a refreshing change for once.

[mellow music]

[Announcer] Tonight's News Break is brought to you by

Cornelli's Chili and GasX.

You can't have one without the other.

[dramatic music]

Good evening.

I'm Charles McPharter, and this is News Break.

Our top story tonight:

genetic researchers

may have created a new type of super food

which they claim will end world hunger.

For more details, we go to Dan Steamer

who's standing by live.

Thank you, Charles.

I'm here at the Center for Agricultural Research in Portland

where the super bean, as it's being called, was created.

It's a hybrid plant, and like the soybean,

can be used to simulate almost any kind of food.

The designer of the bean, Dr. Raoul LePoot,

is here with me now.

Hello.

This bean of yours, how nutritious is it?

Oh, it's very nutritious, Dan.

It has a minimum of 400% of the USRDA for the major

27 vitamins and minerals.

Remarkable.

When is the bean going to reach the marketplace?

Just as soon as we work out the last side effect.

Side effect?

What sort of side effect? Flatulence.

Uncontrollable flatulence which lasts, um, 72 hours or more.

But you can fix it, right?

Well actually, it's not that bad once you get used to it.

Some of our researchers are living off the bean now.

They have been going strong for two, three weeks now.

Hmm, great.

You said before the broadcast

you were testing the bean in certain areas.

Right, it's on the marketplace in Houston, Atlanta,

St. Louis, Miami, and Topeka.

And so far we've had nothing but positive feedback.

Well, congratulations, Dr. LePoot.

On that note, back to you Charles.

Dan, one quick question before you go.

[Dan] Yes, Charles?

Have you yourself tried the bean?

[farts]

No Charles, I haven't had a chance.

Thank you, Dan.

I'm sure you'll be standing by if anything breaks.

Now, it's time for a look at tomorrow's weather,

so we'll go to Phil Shorts.

Thanks, Chuck.

Our big weather concern tonight is

the unusual pattern started in Houston, Atlanta,

St. Louis,

Miami,

and Topeka.

We haven't quite figured out why,

but people have reported strong hot winds,

unusually thick fog, and even some spot tornadoes.

We'll try to keep you posted

as we figured out this strange weather phenomenon.

Back to you.

Finally, tonight,

we have an editorial from our station manager, Fred Rear.

Thank you. [farts]

Tonight I am here because I am shocked

by the stage manners of today's rock and roll performers.

My daughter and I recently attended a heavy metal concert,

and to tell you the truth, I was shocked. [farts]

What bothered me the most

was the way the lead singer of the band conducted himself.

He kept touching his groin

and taking off most of his clothes.

Personally, I was offended by it all. [farts]

All I'm saying is that when you are in public

appearing in front of people,

you have an obligation to prevent, present,

a professional image.

[farts]

Then again, this is the 90's.

I hope I'm not just an out of touch old man.

I hope there's a future for rock and roll.

Back to you, Charles.

Thank you, Fred.

And join us tomorrow night for

[static hissing]

Back to these comedic interludes.

You know, there's the infamous,

or out famous, infamous, out, infamous arm fart.

You need the kind where you...

I can't do it 'cause I got more class than that. [laughs]

But the arm fart, you know, is a killer one.

Then there's also the lip fart,

you know, the [blows raspberry] like that,

but isn't doesn't exactly the...

You know, somebody called it a raspberry,

but it's not a raspberry, dude, it's a lip fart.

Lookit. [blows raspberry]

That's a lip fart, it ain't no raspberry.

Where did they get raspberry, I mean.

Dude, catch a clue, why don't you.

[static hissing]

No, you're wrong, fat people aren't the worst farters.

Politicians are.

[laughs] Why?

Because they feed us so much crap during their speeches,

who's gonna notice a little fart or two.

What about your intellectual types at those

fancy new-age conferences?

When one of them farts, they smile at each other like

there's some deep communication between them that

nobody else understands.

I'll tell you the worst type of fart.

It's when you're the only one in an elevator,

you think it's okay to fart because

no one will notice or care.

So, then you get to the next floor,

and like 25 people get in,

and they all know you did it. [laughs]

Last week, I did Swan Lake with Margot.

When I did my lift, there she was,

all stretched out like she was gonna fly away.

And she farts.

Do you know the difference between a fart at a fraternity

and a sorority?

Fraternity brothers

usually like to see who could fart the loudest,

while their sorority sisters

compete with each other to see who could fart the cutest.

Personally, I think farting is a very dangerous business.

Oh, come on, how can you say that?

I mean, farting is as natural as mom and apple pie.

Yeah, well, if all the moms on Earth decided to fart

at the same time, the combined methane output

would create the largest atomic explosion

ever created by mankind.

[laughs]

[farts]

[laughs]

[static hissing]

[Announcer] At at Times Square,

it's 10 more minutes to the bewitching hour.

["Auld Lang Syne"]

[TV] The night was long,

and there at the realm of queens

a rich old man

It's 10 minutes before New Year's Eve,

and old Russell is home all alone

while Little Miss Heather is having the time of her life.

["Auld Lang Syne"]

[static hissing]

Good evening, I'm Gene Siskelli from the Chicago Tribunal.

And I'm Robert Ebertson from the Chicago Daily.

Our first movie tonight is funny, warm, and smelly.

In fact, I think we can both agree

that the subject matter stinks.

However, FART: The Movie may turn out to be something

of a cult hit.

With a cult following of one.

The first part of the movie was effectively scary.

It portrayed the real dramatic tension

of life with a fartaphobe.

Yeah, the movie starts out with Russell,

an out of control farter, coming home from work.

And he really stinks.

Personally, I thought this plot development

was somewhat asinine.

I knew you'd use that word.

Back to the movie.

Russell's also a couch potato.

He's already got two major counts against him.

Whew, I'll say.

An edgy veggie.

You know the pathos of an underdog

like Russell always seems to grip me.

Come on, Russell has options.

He can join that 12step program for fart addicts, OffAnon.

I think the producer wanted us to see the struggles,

the sights, the sounds, the smells,

particularly the smells of a modern relationship.

They spared no expense down to the last detail.

Like the wood burned sign outside of Russell's bedroom:

Better Out Than In.

You know, I didn't find this movie to be as cartoonish

as I expected it to be. No.

Now, if Russell had had a dog named Grunt

or a cat named Belch,

Grunt and Belch may have pushed FART away

from the hard edge of reality it clings to.

Still, I think they could have heightened the tension

in the New Year's scene if they would have let Russell fart

to the rhythm of Auld Lang Syne.

I think you should be wearing my glasses

because you just didn't see the point of this movie.

It's an attitude,

a world view which asks is your colon half empty

or half full?

Well, I think this movie

is definitely gonna open up discussions

about discrimination against farters.

What of these Middle Age myths do we still perpetuate?

Like men over 40 lose sexual potency?

No, no, no, I mean myths from the Middle Ages.

Oh, like is it really necessary

to pass a lit match around the room when you fart?

Right, right, or if you fart on a crowded elevator,

is it really necessary

to push the emergency button and scream chemical leak?

Or getting dental xrays makes you fart during sex.

Yeah, flossing your teeth

makes your farts set off smoke alarms.

How 'bout if you hold a fart for more than five minutes,

you could explode from spontaneous combustion?

Yeah, yeah. Now, there's an epitaph.

He tried, and he died, but don't he smell good in his grave?

We wanna trash such myths,

but you know my wife had had dental xrays last month,

and she seemed to have a fixation for sandalwood incense.

Pure coincidence.

FART is not a dark vision

because there's hope for Russell and Heather.

Big farters can now have a special operation

called flatusuction, which sucks the excess gas out.

I've seen guys lose five pants sizes over this operation.

Now, for it's willingness

to after the backside of our humor,

I'd say that FART: The Movie

registers a 5.5 on the rectum scale.

I'm gonna have to agree with you in this case.

The subject matter alone

will probably break wind at the box office.

So, we don't actually give it a thumbs up

or a thumbs down, but

A forefinger and a thumb clasping the nose.

That's our sign for

hold your nose, Hold your nose,

and go see this movie. And go see this movie.

Oh, and if you wait for it to come out on video,

you're in for a real treat.

The producers are marketing it in a scratchandsniff box.

Right, when a flashing number comes on the screen,

you scratch the matching number on your box,

and it gives you the fresh smell of farts.

That's primitive, disgusting, and highly marketable.

Until next week, the balcony is closed. [farts]

And needs to be aired out.

[upbeat music]

Better than Gone With the Wind, you gotta be kidding.

The acting was as good as Inherit the Wind,

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

[static hissing]

It's 30 seconds to midnight, people.

Is everybody ready?

[everyone cheers]

[All] 10,

nine,

eight,

seven,

six,

five,

four,

three,

two,

one.

Happy New Year!

[laughing] [all farting]

[bomb explodes]

[screaming]

Honey, honey, everything's okay.

You were just having a little nightmare.

Everything is fine now.

I'm here. It was horrible, Russell.

I dreamt that you wouldn't stop,

and then I went to this New Year's Eve party without you,

and everyone started Hey, look what time it is.

It's five minutes before midnight.

Can you believe it?

It's just enough time to welcome in the new year.

I love you, baby.

I love you, too.

[farts]

Sorry, Russell.

I couldn't help myself.

Don't worry, baby, it happens to the best of us.

Try this one on for size.

[farts] Ah! [laughing]

[both farting]

[upbeat music]

♪ Get yourself alone and get yourself a beer ♪

♪ Go on and sit back on a mobile ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

♪ Well, I had a bad dream ♪

♪ But it gets good ♪

♪ Just get me Hannah ♪

♪ If she can't call you ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

♪ Never answer your phone ♪

♪ Keep the tape machine on ♪

♪ Turn around, drop down ♪

♪ Do run, run ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

♪ Well, it ain't a crime ♪

♪ Well, it ain't naughty ♪

♪ Just one big hustle from the very start ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

♪ Well, it ain't easy ♪

♪ But it ain't hard ♪

♪ Let's push it, push it, push it ♪

♪ And shove, shove, shove ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

♪ People say here they come ♪

♪ The police and your mom ♪

♪ Turn round, drop down ♪

♪ Do run, run ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ Well, it ain't pretty ♪

♪ It ain't cute ♪

♪ You see, a friend of mine's sharp ♪

♪ In a long leisure suit ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

♪ Well, it ain't sweet ♪

♪ Honey it ain't cool ♪

♪ It's a pounding on wheels ♪

♪ Gets the best of it too ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

♪ Don't look at me with that sad face on ♪

♪ Turn around, drop down ♪

♪ Do run, run ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪

♪ Hey, hey, it's a modern world ♪

♪ Hey, hey, it's a modern world ♪

♪ Hey baby ♪

♪ It's a modern world ♪