Original subtitles

Mark, everybody.

Welcome to the end.

So here's the deal. It's a storytelling show. It's me and a bunch of comedians.

We're telling true stories, wild, regretful, horrible, and amazing

stories. You guys ready for it?

Let's just start with you guys. I'll tell you, I'll give you a little party

trick that you guys can use at your parties, and then we'll start.

It's called the Altoid Game. You guys know what that is?

Okay, guess what you're about to know.

The Altoid game.

Here's what you need to play.

You need two things. Well, no, you need three things. You need friends.

If you don't have friends, you can't have a party. But if you need friends,

you need a box of Altoids, and you need some liquid LSD.

Here's how you play.

You take the box of Altoids. This is the friend group, right? You take the box of

Altoids, open it up in front of the friends. Take one drop of acid.

Drop it on one of the Altoids.

Let it soak in. Then you close the box.

You shake it up, and then everybody eats an Altoys.

And in 45 minutes, you find out who wins or loses or whatever.

It's a fun game. It's intense 45 minutes, too.

Everyone's looking at each other like, oh, boy, oh, boy.

That's the regular rules. I play differently. My house rules are a little

different. The way I play is before everybody gets to the party, I pre-hit a

drop of acid on every one of the Altoys.

So not to lose everybody's trip, but everybody also thinks everybody else is

lying to them.

Which makes it a lot more fun. I'm the only one who knows.

Yeah, the first guy will be like, oh, shit, I think I got it. Yeah, I'm

starting to feel it. Someone else is like, you definitely didn't, because I

got it. So there's no way.

And then another guy is like, stop fucking with me. I got it.

I love drugging my friends.

It is one of the great joys in life.

If you have friends and you do drugs, you've either drugged or you've been

drugged, you need to reevaluate your friendships.

I've been drugged a few times. One time I was at a comedy festival in Houston,

Texas. My friend Kim Congdon, she came up to me. I was finished a bottle of

water. She walked up, she goes... How was that water?

I'm like, I don't like the way you asked that at all.

Nobody's ever asked that question that way.

I go, did you put something in there? She goes, yeah, a couple things.

A couple things? That's an escalation.

Yeah, I spent the rest of the evening in my hotel room, naked, staring out the

window.

I thought it was a crow, and my job was to take care of the city of Houston.

I was just out there.

People were texting me, too, because I found out what happened. They're like,

are you all right? I'm like, no, I'm great.

This is not the evening I planned, but I'm having a blast.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

One time, my friend Luis J. Gomez tried to put acid in my beer, but,

like, I saw it, like, he put it on top of the suds. I saw it floating square.

With a happy face on it. Fucking dunk it, you idiot.

I've gotten beers before. They never come with a square with a happy face.

So I'm not going to drink the acid, but also I don't want to waste it.

Acid's hard to come by.

So as soon as my friend turned his back, I just swapped beers with him. I got

somebody else.

It was fun.

One time...

This involves a friend of mine, and I don't want to hurt anybody, so I'm going

to change the relevant details. I'm going to change the name so nobody knows

exactly who I'm talking about or all the details so we can't point back to any

specific person. But the story is all true besides the specific details like

that.

I have a fat alcoholic comedian friend named Borg.

Borg Krishna.

He is a, he's a Hindu comedian.

This is where I got this outfit from.

He's the body of Buddha, but he worships the Hindu religion, whatever the fuck

that is, I don't know.

And he's an alcoholic, really a bad person, interrupts constantly at

fatherhood so-so, but overall, a good, good friend of mine.

And he loves alcohol so fucking much.

Borg.

One day me and Borg were in... It's going to be fun to keep saying that

name. One day me and Borg were in Madison, Wisconsin, drinking.

That's what he does. He loves drinking instead of calling his family after a

show.

And I got an idea that maybe he'd like Molly, and I suggested it to him.

Because he does alcohol so much. Branch out, you know?

And I go, hey, Borg. And he goes...

You go, hey, Borg, you know what you'd like? I think you'd like Molly.

I think you'd get a real kick out of Molly.

And he goes, Ari, I have no interest at all in doing that.

And then very softly I go, challenge accepted.

And he goes, what'd you say? I'm like, nothing, Borg.

Nothing at all.

And he went back to chugging his beer.

And then I waited. I waited like eight, nine months. I planned. I planned it

out. Or plotted. I plotted it out.

What's the difference?

Planning and plotting are the same thing. It's just evil. Is that the only

difference?

Al-Qaeda plots, America plans.

Massive death either way, but... Yeah.

I plotted for sure. I plotted.

Then I went to his house. I went to Borg's house for a pod... No, for a...

For an internet radio program. We were doing a...

internet radio program at his house called the Boardcast.

It's a very popular internet radio program called the Boardcast. He has

two. He has the Boardcast, and he has another one that he does with his very

safe Mexican friend named Tim Seguridad.

It's called Two Fat Whales.

It's actually a better name than what they have.

Too Fat Whales is a better name because a whale is fat and also has no bones. So

it represents both of them equally.

I've been on Too Fat Whales a few times, but I'm here to talk about the Borg

cast.

We were doing it. We were in his backyard doing it. And before we

started, I was like, hey, Borg, before we started, shouldn't we get some

alcohol since you love alcohol so much? He goes, oh, yeah, I love alcohol.

I love it so much.

He offered to go get it. I was like, no, you sit down. You're so fat, you're

going to get winded.

If you stand up before the fucking internet radio program starts, you'll be

out of breath completely.

You're chubby, right? We can all agree with that.

You're nowhere near Borg.

He's two of you, easily.

Oh, lost the crowd? If you don't know, I'm pointing to a man.

So it's okay. If you thought me was pointing to a woman, you're not. It's a

man. I point to a man. I call the man fat. I call the man fat, guys.

Relax. It's a man, and he's fat.

But he's not Borg fat.

It's just regular fat.

I'm legitimately sorry for what I just did to you.

I'm legitimately more sorry for what I just did to you than what I'm about to

do in this story.

And so, I went over to his man... He has a study, and I went to his study, and I

got some alcohol. I poured two glasses of Jameson, and I took two capsules of

powdered molly, and I put them down, and I poured two glasses. I emptied out one

of the capsules, and I...

Put half in his drink and half in my drink.

And then I was about to go back. But then I saw the other capsule of Molly

just sitting there going, like, what about me?

And I was like, that's fair, capsule of Molly. That's totally fair.

So I was like, you get in here right now.

Anyway, so then we took it. We cheers. We started the interview.

And it hit me first. It hit me like at 15 minutes.

It hit me fast. Because I took like three times as much as him.

And he outweighs me by 400 pounds.

You don't know him. You should see him. He's fat in a way you can't really

comprehend.

Even if he's from Long Island, you guys can't wrap your head around how fat this

guy is.

It's why his stomach is pushing. You ever see Alien?

You know when the alien pops to the belly?

Well, imagine the belly wouldn't break and there's an alien.

That's Borg. That's Borg's belly.

Love him, though. One of my best friends.

So it hit me first, and I'm fucking flying. I'm just like, oh, come on,

catch up.

I can't let on what's happening. I know the ride we're in for, but he doesn't,

so I'm just fucking, come on, and he's sitting there, you know, going like, oh,

no, no, no, no, no, no.

Every

time

I start to say something, I go, oh, I got a better start, I got a better

start.

Legitimately one of my best friends.

And then finally it starts to hit him. After almost an hour. He's so fat.

Over an hour.

And he starts fucking looking at his palms. He gets sweaty hands.

And then he starts breathing like he just landed in Denver.

And he knew something was wrong. He could tell something was wrong, but he

didn't know what. So he looked up to me to see if I knew what was wrong.

And this is the face he saw.

And he got worried. He got worried for sure. And he goes, wait, did you put

something in my drink? I'm like, I sure did, buddy.

And he goes, what? What did you put in there? I'm like, Molly, MDMA.

Mandy, the British call it. But they'll call it Molly.

And he goes, wait, but I told you I didn't want to do Molly. And I'm like,

yeah. And then I muttered, challenge accepted.

It's out of my hands. The challenge had been accepted.

And he goes, what? Well, I'm very mad at you.

And I go, that's fine. You will not be.

He goes, what do you mean? Like, you can't be mad on Molly. It doesn't work

that way.

It won't let you. Nobody's ever been mad on Molly. That's impossible.

You could be Hitler at bar mitzvah.

You'll still have a good time.

That's actually a decent example.

That's actually a decent example.

You could be the Fuhrer at a Jewish coming-of-age ceremony.

And if you gave him Molly, he'd be like, no, that circle dance is pretty cool.

Just rounding around. It's so fucking easy to master.

And look at those shoes. So many shoes.

I want all those shoes.

That was going to get me in trouble, I'm sure.

Anyway, he goes, no, that's bullshit, man. You can't drug people.

You can't live with this level of freedom that I envy. I look up to you,

man. You're one of my best friends. I love you so much.

I'm so glad you're part of my life. I'm legitimately a better person. Oh, fuck,

it's happening.

I'm like, it sure is. Welcome to the party. He goes, this feels great.

I'm like, I knew you'd like it. He goes, hey, can we dance?

I'm like, we sure can, bro.

He goes, but there's no music playing. I'm like, do you know any songs?

He goes, I know all the songs.

I'm like, all right, pick a song. He goes, got it.

Found out later the song was Groovers in the Heart.

Anyway, we danced a bunch. He told me he loved me like 85 times.

It was fucking ruled.

It was the best. He hugged me a ton.

We were just talking, having a blast. We were looking inside through the window,

watching his fucking family do regular family shit.

Yeah, none the wiser.

Having no idea that their father's been turned out by their drug addict Uncle

Ari.

He's just doing regular family stuff, making cookies the way he likes it, with

three times the sugar.

Yeah, we had a great time. At some point, his cat jumps off the couch next

to him, and he looks at the cat and goes, Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari. I'm like,

what? He goes, my cat teased me.

I'm like, what?

He goes, no, no, it teased me.

I'm like, bro, you're feeling it. He goes, I sure am. Let's dance again. I

got another song.

Bro, we sat back there for almost five hours doing this internet radio program.

I don't think it's come out yet.

Fucking any day now it should be out.

Anyway, it was a blast.

I mean, legitimately, it's like one of the greatest memories of my life. You

ever make a core memory with a friend?

You know, I got a lot of trouble for this, but I don't think about the

trouble. I think about having a blast with my friend.

In his backyard, watching the sun sets the trees on Molly with a backyard that

dick jokes paid for.

I mean, what a blast. No regrets at all.

One regret, yeah.

Yeah, no, for sure one regret. For sure one regret.

I fucked up. I should have saved some Molly for his wife.

That was a mess up because...

She was indeed capable of being mad.

She was more than capable of being quite angry.

Yeah. So I laughed. He was like, bro, I love you so much. This is such a good

idea. I'm like, I knew you'd love it, Borg.

And he goes, give me another hug. Give me another hug. I love you so much. I'm

like, I love you, too. And I drove home.

And oh, yeah, dude, when you drive on Molly, you're a very courteous driver.

I did not expect that.

Everybody was like, you want to merge? Get in here. Let's go. Merge.

How about you? You looking to change lanes? My lane's your lane. I've been

where you're at. We're all one. Come on. Come on in.

I pulled up next to somebody at a light. I gave him the roll down the window

sign. He's like, what? I'm like, that lane changed back there. I saw it.

Perfect.

Fucking nailed it, bro. That was really awesome.

And then, what did I call him?

Borg, yeah, Borg.

Borg had to go tell his wife. He goes in there still not fucking flying, you

know. And he goes, hey, to his wife. He goes, hey.

Nope.

He goes, fuck.

He goes, hey, Brienne. Hey, Brienne.

Yeah, Brienne Krishna.

Borg and Brienne Krishna. They're a popular Hindu couple in Los Angeles.

He goes, hey, Brianne, fuck it, Ari.

And she goes, what? What do you do now? He goes, he fucking put Molly in my

drink.

And she goes, what?

And he goes, damn, that was not the vibe I was hoping for at all.

And she goes, what the fuck?

She was lost. She goes, what if something happened to you? She goes,

what if something happened to the kid?

Which that, I mean, that's just someone who's never done Molly before.

You can't lie. What's going to happen to the kid? What's he going to do? Hug them

to death?

What's he going to do, show interest in her schoolwork for the first time in a

decade?

It's not a hand grenade, lady. It's a fucking mid-level party drug.

She was livid. Fair enough.

And she said, like, hey, you got to go tell the kids. And he goes, yeah, okay,

someday I'll tell them. She goes, no, no, no, you got to tell them now.

He goes, my pupils are that wide.

I don't think this is the right time, but okay.

So he goes into his son's room.

His two beautiful sons.

South Carolina.

And what's the other one?

Ali.

Ali in South Dakota or whatever.

I don't fucking.

It's daughters. It's Bert Kreischer, everybody. All right.

I'm sure you knew this. I don't want to do this anymore. It's Bert Kreischer. I

fucked him up with Molly pretty bad.

And he had to go tell his daughters. He goes, sit down. I got to talk to you.

And they go, what is it? He goes, sit down. They saw he was serious. They go,

your Uncle Ari, he did a bad thing.

And they go, what did he do? He goes, well, listen, I just want you to know

that just because someone does a bad thing doesn't necessarily mean that

they're bad people, you know? We're all a sum of all our parts.

And when someone fucks up, we've got to realize that that's part of who we are.

Yo, is this Taylor Swift?

They're like, yeah. He goes, she's great.

I just heard she was good. I didn't know she was this good.

Yeah, he became a Swifty that day, he told me.

And they're like, Dad, what do you want to tell us? He goes, no, fuck that.

Dance with your father.

And they dance for an entire Taylor Swift album.

And then they're like, what do you want to tell us? He goes, all right, all

right, all right, all right. Sit down.

And he goes, well, get me some water first.

And he housed two-thirds of a bottle of water and poured the rest in his head.

And he goes, all right, your uncle already did a bad thing. And then he

just used the worst wording.

I think words are important.

I think that's most of the fighting we have here because people are fighting on

different definitions of the same word.

Like you can't call someone a Nazi because they give you a parking ticket.

That word is covered.

If that's the worst they did, my father would have a different relationship with

them.

You know, the Nazis pulled him out of his bed in his shtetl in Romania. He's

like, oh, no, the Nazis!

And he's like, yeah, like, yeah, you double parked. It's $30.

Like, oh, yeah, all right.

You guys got a very bad reputation.

Anyway, he used the wrong word. He went to his daughters. He goes, your uncle

already roofied me.

Yeah, which, that implies a roofie was involved.

Yeah, toast me, drug me, put Molly in my chair. Sure, not roofied.

Because then the girls go, you mean like Bill Cosby?

Yeah, and he goes, yeah, exactly like Bill Cosby.

But I wouldn't say exactly like.

That's another word I wouldn't use there.

Somewhat like. Not exactly like.

I can think of many differences.

The activity levels of our victims was wildly different.

I don't think any of Bill Cosby's victims complained of their feet hurting

from dancing too much.

And so they went to school the next day and told all their friends that their

Uncle Ari raped their father.

Uphead and Molly, their clearly stronger father, was overpowered and raped by

their melting candle body drug addict Uncle Ari.

And I mean, I was fucked after that. It ruined everything.

That family hated me after that. They wouldn't allow me near the house, which

I get. If I raped your dad, you'd be like, you can't come over.

I get it from their perspective.

It's like, that's kind of the end of our relationship.

And I was fucked. No one would talk to me.

Burt forgave me first after like a year for fucking free money.

Yeah, I hated it. Listen, I do wild shit, obviously, if you know me. But I

just want everyone to like me. I don't want everyone to not like me.

You know? Except Laker fans.

Yeah, Laker fans, I'm fine with that. Oh, they hate me too.

I made fun of their one-time MVP.

Literally half the MVPs is Steve Nash, but whatever.

Say what you want about him, but he tried to beat traffic, so he killed his

daughter.

Seven other people. Nobody's learned their names, but anyway.

Hold on.

I'm getting sidetracked here.

I'm getting sidetracked here. Let's get back to the fucking family that hates

me.

I've dosed my close friends with fucking drugs against their will in front of

their family. I know what humans are capable of.

That was wrong, by the way. I should not have done that. That was a mistake. I

lost a friend for a year.

So he forgave me first. He had to change my name in his phone, though, so they

wouldn't know when I was calling because they still hated me for years after.

He changed my name to Agent.

That's actually a good name. You know, Kanye has some good points.

Oh, yeah, he forgave me. That's it. Yeah, every time I'd call, he'd be like,

it's my agent calling. I've got to take this outside.

I'd be like, are they still mad? He goes, yeah, they fucking hate you, bro.

You raped their dad.

I hate it. I hate people being mad at me. I know I shouldn't have done it, but

I fucking hated it.

But if you ever had a friend that's mad at you, I'll just tell you that time

will heal all wounds.

And they've forgiven me. It's all cool now.

Yeah, yeah, it feels good.

I'll tell you what happened.

Tell you what happened five years past, you know, so it's tough to hold on to

that after that long, you know Burt's gone on to do amazing things interrupt

massive celebrities all over the fucking globe And the

kids grew up they got older and they went off to college which means Yeah,

they do Molly

You can't get through college without doing Molly and I would have loved that

scene that first time But someone's like hey, we're all doing Molly night. You

want to do something like no, thanks Like why not like I'm not looking to get

raped tonight. Thank you anyway Like that's not really a side effect of this

drug like I know what happened to my dad Like that brings up a lot of new

questions that I don't even want to get into but we're about to drug so enjoy

that

And they try to see all their friends dancing and have a good time, and

they're probably like, all right, you know what? Give me some.

And then it hits them, and they're fucking, oh, my God, smiling literally

from ear to ear. If you've done Molly, you know what it is. It's just a lot of

sweating and smiling.

You know, talking to your friends like, Rebecca, Samantha, this is the crew.

It's fate.

It's fate that brought us together.

Same school. We're going to be friends forever.

I love this place.

Yay! And then just froze like, oh, fuck.

Everyone's like, what? What's the matter? Are you okay? And they're

probably like, no.

No, I don't think I am okay.

Like, what's the matter? Like, I just realized something terrible.

My father's a pussy.

Thank you very much, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my great pleasure to bring to the stage a friend

of mine. He's open to me on the road, and he's about to be a fucking huge

name. I know you guys love him. Please, straight from Ireland, Mr. Colin

Tyrrell, everybody!

Let him hear it!

This is a story

about a fella named Pilot Hannigan.

Now, the beautiful thing about Pilot Hannigan is that he doesn't actually

exist. Pilot Hannigan is an alter ego that I created when I was younger

while blackout drunk, okay?

I don't know where it came from. I was just told that I had my shirt off at a

party screaming, I'm Pilot Hannigan, all right?

And it's not Pilot like he flies planes, just first name Pilot, last name

Hannigan.

If he showed up, it was trouble.

A buddy of mine said he can't fly planes, but he does crash parties.

There was a pilot, Hannigan.

And he did a lot of shit. I would wake up after a night out, and there would be

like, you know, like a traffic cone in my kitchen.

I'd be like, oh, pilot Hannigan.

Oh, I would cheat on my girlfriend.

Oh, pilot.

You keep doing that, Pilot.

How dare you?

The worst time Pilot ever got me in trouble, I was in Bangkok, Thailand.

Okay? For those of you that don't know, Thailand is one of those Chinese

countries.

I was there... I was there 15 years

ago. I was traveling with my best friend, David.

Okay? Now, Bangkok is like this smelly, grimy, insane,

fun party city.

All right? We were 19 years old. We were baby-faced backpackers.

Bangkok chewed us up and spat us out. And then the next day, we showed up

looking for more. Okay?

Because every night...

was another opportunity to try get some pussy.

Okay? Bangkok is an incredible place because there's a lot of women in

Thailand. There's a lot of women in Bangkok.

A lot of them are prostitutes.

But I did not indulge. Okay? I was 19 years old. I thought prostitutes were

gross. Oh, to be young.

And... It's a weird place, Bangkok. It's a weird place.

It's a hotbed for kiddie fuckers.

Yeah, kiddie fuckers. They love it there.

Yeah,

it's like Coachella for those fellas.

They love it.

Bangkok, or at least Thailand, is the pedophilia capital of the world, okay?

Second place is the Vatican.

But first place is Thailand.

So we're in Bangkok, me and David, we're out one night, we're wasted, right? It's

a rowdy night, we're at some watering hole, it's fucking full of people, okay?

There's some English boys there, and me and David, we're having like fucking

some banter with these guys. They keep going, potato, potato!

And we keep going, fuck the queen, fuck the queen!

It was just another night out, and that's when...

One of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life walked in. It was a

Thai lady. She has blonde hair. She's a fucking 10 out of 10 smoke show, right?

My fucking, my heart fell into me arse, right? It was just one of the most

beautiful women I'd ever seen, right? She comes up to me. She starts talking

to me, okay?

Now, I'm not going to do, I'm not going to do the accent.

It's a little racist, but you can yellow it up inside if you want to.

If you want to do, I'm not, I would never.

But internally, you can bing-bong-ding-dong if you want, but I

would not... I'm not going to do that. That's beneath me.

By the way, it's not bing... It's more of a... It's a... It's very clucky.

It's a very chicken-like language.

I'm not doing that. I'm just giving you the building blocks to make this story

funnier, but I'm not... I don't want to get cancelled and springboard my career,

okay?

She comes up and talks to me. She's fucking gorgeous, right? And I say to

her, I go, listen, I'm not interested in prostitutes.

Okay? And she goes, I'm a school teacher.

And I said, fucking, Tyler Hannigan, nice to meet you.

Okay?

And I'm flirting with her. I'm doing everything I can to fucking create a

connection. Right? I buy her a drink. I go, do you like teaching?

And she's like, yeah.

She goes, yeah, I love kids. And I go, that's incredible. Drink your drink.

Drink your drink.

I go, how old are you, like 20?

She's like, I'm 32.

I go, fuck, that's insane.

Drink your drink. Drink your drink.

She goes, how many kids do you think I have? I said, hopefully none.

And she goes, I've got three.

And I went, ugh, fucking drink your drink. Drink your drink.

She tells me she's into me. But she goes, I don't like white men.

You guys come over here, you treat us like fucking me. You never fucking treat

us like girlfriends.

And I go, what's that mean? I'll treat you like a girlfriend. What do you want?

She goes, I want to go on a date.

I was like, we can do that. What do you want to do? She goes, tomorrow, Harry

Potter is in the cinema.

That's what I want to do. I want to go watch Harry Potter.

And I go, yeah, done. We'll do that. We'll go see Harry Potter in the cinema.

And she goes, you want to do that? I go, baby, I want to, like, marry you.

I want to...

I want to take you out of here. I'm going to bring you back to Ireland. I'm

going to introduce you to my parents, your kids.

They're staying here.

They're Asian.

They're replaceable. We're not bringing them with me.

And we're hitting it off, and I'm playing the game of my life, and I think

I'm in there, right? And that's when a man got stabbed.

What a cock block.

Okay, a fucking fight broke out in the bar like old-school fight like this

spaghetti western, right?

Everyone was involved. There was punches flying, tables were flipped, glasses

were being smashed, right? Something happened, right, with the English guys.

It's always the fucking English guys, right?

They were like, oi, oi, and one of them got handsy with one of the Thai

prostitutes. He smacked one of them. So then all the other Thai prostitutes

showed up, right? And then just a fight fucking broke out. It was insane.

Dave got involved, right? And then I got dragged into it. I was wrestling that

dude.

The girl I was with, the Thai girl I was with, you know, she had blonde hair,

right? So Blondie was fucking kicking a guy on the fucking ground, right? We're

all fighting.

But those English guys, they got the shit kicked out of them that day because

those Thai prostitutes don't fuck around, all right? One of the dudes got

knocked out by one of the big ones, right? That was like the trans athlete

of the group came in and fucking...

At some point, one of the guys got stabbed.

Someone smashed a glass and fucking stabbed him in the belly, right? Now, I

would have been upset, but he was English, so I was like, I said, it was

chaos.

There was chairs being thrown around, right? An ambulance was called. The cops

showed up, right? That's when Blondie, right? She grabs me by the hand, and she

fucking runs. She goes, come with me, and we run down the street, right? So

there's a lot of commotion. It all starts to die down.

She turns around to me, and she goes, hey.

let's go back to my house i was like fucking great score and i said just one

last i go before we leave right you're not a prostitute are you she goes no i

like you so we went back to her house and i quickly found out that she was in

fact a prostitute okay as soon as i walk in she goes if you want to fuck me you

have to pay me and i like that's the fucking definition of a prostitute

Have you got like Rosetta Stone around here or something? Because I don't know

if you know what I've been saying all night.

She kisses me and she goes, how much would you pay me to fuck me? And I go,

nothing.

And then she starts sucking on my neck and licking my ear. She goes, how much

would you pay me to fuck me? And I go, nothing.

Then she got down on her knees and she pulled my dick out and she starts

sucking on it. And she goes, how much would you pay me to fuck me? And I said,

I'll give you everything I have in my wallet!

Because that's as far as a man's morals can go, right?

And she said, deal!

And then she opened my wallet.

And she was very angry.

She goes, I've got three kids. That's not enough to fuck me. And I go, listen,

listen, that's all the money I have on me right now. Okay, but we're going to

meet up tomorrow, aren't we? She said, yeah. I was like, we're going to go to

the cinema.

We're going to watch Harry Potter, aren't we? She said, yeah. I go, I'll

meet up then, and I'll give you the money then.

She goes, you promise?

I said, Pilot Hannigan does not lie.

So we're hooking up, and then I go down on her, okay?

Muscle memory, okay?

And I'm loving it, and I'm like, all right.

I'm licking hooker pussy.

And then I realized what I said, and I'm like, oh, no!

I'm licking hooker pussy.

So I stopped doing that, and we start fucking, okay? Now, you're thinking,

Colm, 19 years old, you're in Bangkok, you're with a Thai prostitute, you

probably wore a condom.

I did not.

I'm a Catholic boy. I've got Catholic values.

Okay?

It's actually the only time I'm ever religious is the condoms thing.

All the other stuff I let slide, but that one, no, no, no.

I've never even read the Bible, but I know somewhere in there it says, don't

use protection, finish on her belly.

Corinthians 2.0.

That's in the book.

So I'm fucking blondie, right? And we get about six pumps in. And that's when

I do my special move where I go, I'm about to cum!

And I go to pull out, but she grabs me and she fucking holds me in her.

Yeah, that's... fucking Asian strength, right? She fucking, she pulled my cheeks

apart like a gorilla ripping open a melon, right? And I, and I dumped my

Irish muck inside her. Go, no!

What a way to come. No!

Listen, no, no, no means no.

I was, I was raped, right?

as bad as they make out, right? But I'm a victim. I am a victim.

We start fighting, okay? We start fighting. She goes, why would you come

inside me? I go, you fucking made me do that, okay? And we're screaming at each

other. And that's when we hear like a voice, like a little child starts

crying, okay? She goes into another room. She comes out. She has this little

kid, little Asian baby.

A lot less Asian, but she has an Asian baby.

And she goes, you have to go. And I go, absolutely, loved it.

And I go, I'll see you tomorrow for Harry Potter. I was like, I'll see you

then, okay?

I go back to the hostel. I meet up with Dave. You know, Dave tells me he was

there when all the cops showed up. They were interrogating everybody about that

English guy getting stabbed.

I tell him all the news about Blondie and how, like, tomorrow I'm going to

have to go see Harry Potter with this girl.

And he goes, you know, you could just not do that.

I go, what do you mean? He's like, we're leaving in a few days.

Why don't we just get the next bus out of here?

And you'll never see Blondie again.

And you won't have to pay her.

So that's exactly what we did.

We were on a bus out of there. She was probably waiting with the popcorn.

And I was out of there. Yeah, fuck her!

Right? We traveled all around the region, right? We went to, like,

Vietnam.

We were staying in hostels. I would tell everybody the story, and everyone was

like, oh, my gosh, he tried to scam you, but you scammed her. You scammed the

hooker. You know, the legend grew.

Every hostel I would tell, the story got bigger and bigger.

We traveled for eight weeks. It was the best.

Our trip ended.

We had to go back to Ireland, and we were leaving through Bangkok.

That's where our flight was.

So we had to go back.

I said, do you reckon we'll see Blondie?

He goes, no, not at all.

Our first night there.

We see Blondie.

She fucking grabs me and she goes, You!

You owe me money and you make me pregnant.

I know.

Fucking scandalous.

Right? And I said, Fuck you. I'm not giving you any money. You lied to me.

She goes, If you don't give me the money, I'll abort your baby.

And I said, Finally, something we can agree on.

So she's grabbing me, and we're kind of wrestling a little bit, and then these

two cops show up. These two Thai police officers show up, and they've got guns,

and then they grab us, and Blondie starts talking to one of the guys. She's

like... And he's like... And the two of them fucking... I don't know what

they're saying, but they're pointing at me going... Right?

And I'm freaking out, right? So I take all the money. I have my wallet. I take

all my cash. I hand it to a fucking blondie. I go, hey, that's all the money

I have. We're all done. We're even, okay?

The two of them talk, and she walks away, all right? And I turn around to

the cop. I go, sorry, it was a misunderstanding.

No problem.

We're done here. And he goes, oh, I don't give a fuck about any of that

shit. He goes, he says to me, you match the description of a suspect who's

wanted in connection with a stabbing that happened at a bar here eight weeks

ago. You're under arrest.

And I'm like, fuck, the English guy got stabbed. They wanted me for that, right?

And I'm freaking out.

I'm like thinking I'm going to go to jail. I'm going to get raped, right? For

real this time.

Not like the good kind, like earlier, like the bad kinds they tell you about,

you know?

And I'm trying to tell him and he goes, shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Don't say anything.

And he looks at my ID. He closes it. And he hands it back to me. And he goes,

you're free to go.

The man we're looking for is Pilot Hannigan.

Thank you very much, guys. I appreciate it. Enjoyed asking.

Come here one more time, you guys. Give it a round.

You guys ready for the final comedian tonight?

What a fucking show it's been.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy's one of the greatest comics in our time. He's

fucking a real inspiration to me. I know you guys love him. He is part bear, part

mom. El Jefe, Mr. Tom Segura, everybody.

All right.

Yeah.

So, uh, Yeah. My dad died a few years ago. That's not the funny part.

Just picturing a way into it. Jesus, man.

He didn't. He's totally dead.

And I miss him. I'm lucky. Not everybody gets a great dad. I got a great dad. He

was thoughtful.

He was affectionate. He was a generous guy. He was flawed, like we all are

flawed. He was very checked out.

You know what I mean? Like my dad, if you went up to my dad, if I was like,

hey, man, you know, I'm feeling kind of lost right now. I don't know if I'm

going the right way in life and I could just really use, you know, somebody to

tell me what I'm doing. I feel totally lost. He would say, what's that?

You'd be like, that was awesome. Thanks, man.

You know, I can remember.

I remember in college, I brought a couple of my roommates home with me for

spring break. So they came down. We were living in Florida.

And my roommate, Casey, was nervous to meet my dad.

He thought my dad was kind of intimidating, which he really was pretty

much like a big teddy bear. But he was like, I'm intimidating. I go, no, just

talk to him. So I see him talking.

I see my roommate talking to my dad in the other room.

And then a moment later, my roommate comes over. And his eye, he turns white.

And I was like, what the fuck?

He goes, I was talking to your dad.

And I go, yeah. And he goes, he just walked away, you know.

And I was like, what? He goes, yeah, he just walked away.

So I went over to my dad. I was like, hey.

He's like, what? I go, my friend, you just walked away.

And he goes, I was bored.

I was like, oh, that's nice. So, I mean, I guess I'm also

realizing my dad, I guess he's autistic.

I don't fucking know.

But he's on the spectrum.

But he was great, and I also remember I used to involve my dad a lot.

I just had these stupid ideas to do on podcasts. So I would call him. I'd be

like, hey, I'm going to call you to do this bit or something, or I want you to

just answer the phone. And he would always say the same thing. He would

always go, anything for my son, anything to help my son.

And I was like, oh, cool. And I took it for granted. I was like, that's just a

normal response.

But the reason I know that I'm lucky to have had that response is that I also

have a mother.

And she's not going to die, dude. She's never going to fucking die.

She's fucking 80.

She's from Peru.

She learned English at 33.

And for the last 30 years, she's been telling me she will die. Like, she's

been promising to die.

Like, almost daily, she'll be like, you know, I'm going to die tomorrow, maybe.

And you're like...

and then every day you're like what the you're still fucking here though you

know like just go through on one of your promises right she just turned eight

she's like 80 you're like 80 sounds ancient and 80th birthday she's like

hello look who's in perfect health and you're like motherfucker just

die so she she's like for real can be described she's like you

know people describe someone as having a tough

My mom's got one of those.

She's, you know, she's like into guilt trips. She's a big gaslighter. She's

fucking manipulative.

She's a real shithead. I mean, she just is.

Some people have a parent like that, right? You're just like, yeah. You're

like, yeah, mine's fucked. You got two. You got two like that.

Fuck. Are they alive?

God, yeah.

And here's the thing. It just, it never, it won't, it's not going to end. I know

my mom is going to be on, like, Good Morning America, and they're going to be

like, guess who's 114 today?

Like, and she's going to be like, oh, they just, she's just never going to

die. And I've had a lot of contentious, like, big fights.

with my mom, you know, over the years. Like, I've had a lot of times where I

have... Dude, I remember one time we had a family dinner with, like, you know,

cousins and aunts and uncles, like a nice long table kind of dinner. And

earlier that day, my mom had had me drive her and her sister to the local

mall, right? Because she's incapable of, like, a fucking whatever, eight-minute

drive.

I'm like, okay.

So...

I drop them off, and then I have to pick them up.

When I went to pick them up, I went to a different door than I had dropped them

off at, and then I figured it out, and I went to the other door, and they get in

the car, and she was like, Jesus, we wait all day for you. I'm like... So at

dinner, she brings it up.

She's like, we went to the mall, and he made us wait an hour.

And it doesn't sound like a big deal, but I was just so fed up that at dinner,

with all the family there, I was like, you know...

I feel like your biggest joy is just in ruining people's day.

And I heard her fork drop. I literally heard like clink.

And she's like, what? I go, you were born to be an asshole.

And then like she's crying and everyone's like, way to go, fuckhead.

You know what I mean?

And my dad later, he goes, you know what you said at dinner?

You made some good points.

And he goes, but your timing wasn't great, buddy.

I go, thanks, Dad.

But anyway, he's gone now, so I just have, you know, Captain fucking Asshole

all the time.

And, you know, she also, I'm telling you, she thinks I'm literally, like,

the u.s central bank she thinks that i have endless sums of money it's

wild to me she always like a fucking two weeks ago she's like i need a car by the

way my dad died with life insurance like she has money but she doesn't want that

so she's like i need a car i'm like you need a car okay do i play a role in this

jace

I'm like, well, there are many options for a car. Would you like a Ford or a

Chevy?

And she goes, I prefer Mercedes.

And I go, yeah, I prefer to talk to dad, but we don't get what we want all the

time.

By the way, I got her the car, just so you know.

Because she just manipulates you into it. So I go, here's something you don't

deserve. So I got her the car.

And so I say this, and I know that some people are probably like, wow, you

really hate your mom.

And yeah.

But not all the time.

Do you know what I mean?

See, there's a thing where I think if you are, most people get this.

You can shit.

on your own right like you could be like my brother's a fucking asshole right but

if somebody goes hey your brother's an asshole you're like hey that's my

fucking asshole like you don't so my mom yeah i love telling people how difficult

and horrible and awful she can be but i still she's still my mom you know she's

still my mom and like i remember you know she'll she'll sometimes like we'll

just discuss that like she's like do you really love me Like, sometimes.

But I remember I had a day job one time, and I was at work, and she calls me

crying, which is very strange, right? I'm like, are you crying right now?

So I go, why are you crying?

And she goes, I was just thrown out of a furniture store.

I'm like, you want to say that again? What?

And she goes, I was shopping for furniture.

There was one man working there, and I asked him a question.

And then he said, I don't speak Russian.

So my mom goes, I don't speak Russian either.

And then he said, why don't you learn English and come back?

So she tells me that, and I just say, give me the number to the store.

So I call the number.

The guy answers.

You know, he's like furniture or whatever.

I don't remember what he said, but it was probably like good morning or

something. And which would be, by the way, saying what you sell is a good way

to run a business.

I do think it would be much better if places just answered and just went like

jackets. And you're like, yeah, I wanted it.

That's why I'm calling. So anyway, he answers.

And then I just.

Very coolly and calmly, I just say to the guy, I go, hey, man, how does it

feel to know that you're going to die today?

And I'm just saying this quietly, like I'm saying it like this.

And he goes, what?

And I go, I don't know if it's going to happen at lunch.

I don't know if it's going to happen when you're closing up shop.

It might even happen right after you get home.

But at some point today, someone's going to come.

and they're going to kill you.

And he goes, what the fuck?

And then I just hung up the phone. I was like, ooh, that felt good.

I liked it.

This is 10 o'clock in the morning, by the way.

Like, I just got to this job. Like, I'm working in post-production in Los

Angeles, and I hang up, and I don't know if you've ever threatened somebody's

life, but it gives you a real adrenaline bump.

I found it difficult to focus on tasks at hand, you know?

People were like, hey, Tom, do you have, I'm like, you don't fucking talk to me,

okay?

I'm an assassin.

Now, like, I was vibrating. I mean, I was really, I was pacing the halls.

And, like, here's the other thing. Like, do you ever watch true crime shows?

Like, do you ever watch those shows?

And the truth is, if you watch those shows, you do learn a little something.

One of the biggest takeaways that you gather is that people get caught because

they make critical errors. And on this particular day, I made several.

I called in that threat from my office line.

Like it put out a general number of a place that had, I don't know, 100

employees. But it was a good tip.

The real mistake that I made that day, and I mean, I'm just telling you this is

just how it was, is that I just wanted to hear his voice again. I wanted to,

I couldn't stop thinking about this guy.

And so I did what you know I shouldn't do, which is I fucking called him back.

I called him back.

And here's the real mistake, is that I called him back from my cell phone.

Because, I know, it's so dumb. It's like if you were watching this on fucking

Dateline, you're like, what the fuck is this fucking idiot? Like, because I

wasn't thinking. I was so consumed with my anger and rage at the time that I

didn't, so I just walked the halls and I was just, I called him.

And when I called him from my cell phone, he answered. He answered the

fucking, he was like, furniture, again.

And I just was like, you're still alive?

And he was like, motherfucker. And I was like, haha. Like, I was like,

scared, bitch. Like, I knew it.

I was so pleased with myself that I didn't put together what was happening

with, like, you know, the details of what, like, the evidence, basically.

Because within five minutes, my office line rang.

And it was a transfer call.

And I just answered it, and it was the guy.

He goes, hey, dipshit.

You called me from this number, and you called me from your cell phone. I know

who you are.

And I go, okay.

He goes, how does it feel to know you're about to get fired?

And I said, well, it's better than knowing I'm about to die.

And I hung up, and I was like, I am definitely getting fired right now.

And it was about a minute later, and the office line rang, and it was our

security department at the post-production house. And they were

like, hey, can you come up to our office?

And I was like, yeah, what's this all about?

And they said, we need to see you in person immediately.

And I was like, okay.

So I kind of gathered all my things. I was like, I'm going to be loading these

up pretty soon.

And I walked into this office, and there were three guys standing there.

Just like with their arms folded, you know.

And I walked in, I was like, hey, what's up?

And the one guy goes, hey, we have kind of a weird question to ask you.

I was like, I like weird shit. Like, what's up?

I don't judge, man. What's up?

And he goes, did you call a furniture store in Melbourne, Florida

and threaten?

To murder somebody?

It's so crazy to think that that was a real question.

And you know what? I swear to you, I go, no.

And guess what happened? Nothing. Nothing happened at all.

Yeah.

You can do that, and you should do that if someone is mean to your mom. It's not

cool. Let them fucking know I still love my mom. All right, you guys were the

best. Thanks very much.

Have a great night. See you later.

I just,

I want to, do you remember us going to Indianapolis together?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Tom was like the first to headline, I think, among all of us.

Um, yeah. I don't know. I don't remember, but... He called me, like,

there's this shitty gig, and, like, you can feature. He's thinking, like, middle

for me.

It's a break-even week, but you might be able to get in. She might like you and,

like, get you in. Might book you on your own, yeah. Yeah, she did.

Yeah. They just closed.

They just closed. Yeah, so you can't go there again. Crackers. Yeah.

Dude, this is when you were, like, calling me Jew pretty hard quite often.

No. Wait, what did I do?

Nothing. Oh.

But anyway, no, it was fun. You know, you mispronounced my name, Ari. Oh, I

would say that, and you would always correct me. Yeah, it's Ari.

Yeah, you always would do that. I'll let you know. It's pronounced Ari. Yeah, but

it is.

It's Ari Schaefer. It's Ari.

It's pronounced Ari. You always mispronounce somebody else's name.

There was a time there where you talked to Ruthann.

And she was, like, here, and you were, like, doing the Jew jokes.

Yeah. Do you remember this? No. And I was on stage, and Ruthann was like,

should we throw quarters at him while he's on stage?

And you could hear that? You told me this afterwards.

And you had to be like, no, don't do that.

That's over the line.

That's insane.

Can you imagine if you had been, like, just doing your thing, and you're like,

what is that?

Was that a coin? And then you'd have been like, actually, I like this. I

mean, I want to get it. It's right there.

A quarter's a quarter. Back then, it was worth, like, 50 cents now. I didn't shit

now. We were crossing a road, too.

That's what a fun weekend. We were crossing a road. It was, like, four

lanes each way. Yeah. And we just, like, ran across the middle. We were going to

see a movie or something like that. And I did see a quarter.

It was, like, wide open both ways. I saw a quarter. I was like, oh, shit, cool.

I went to pick it up, but I missed it. And then I went to pick it up again. I'm

missing it. But now cars were coming.

I stopped.

You're on the other side of the road watching what was going to happen.

That would have been the all-time best story to tell on this show.

Let me tell you the guy that used to host this show, how he died.

Look him up. His name is Airy. His name was Airy. Big time Jew.

I kept trying to pick it up and I'm looking at you as if like I thought

maybe you'd help me, but you were doubled over.

On the sidewalk.

Just envisioning what could happen.

At least it was a quarter.

Could have been way worse.

Heads up, Penny.

Lose your leg for a penny.

Tom is producing this whole thing, so give him a round of applause.

Thanks very much.

Congrats to the Che Guevara of comedians, who honestly, he supports so

many comics. He's like the most supportive guy of other comics. He gives

people opportunities. And this show is an awesome way to do it. So big hand for

Ari Shafir. Let him hear it.

I left a wallet there.