All language subtitles for 1 1 The.End.2026.S01E01.1080p

Mark, everybody.

Welcome to the end.

So here's the deal. It's a storytelling
show. It's me and a bunch of comedians.

We're telling true stories, wild,
regretful, horrible, and amazing

stories. You guys ready for it?

Let's just start with you guys. I'll
tell you, I'll give you a little party

trick that you guys can use at your
parties, and then we'll start.

It's called the Altoid Game. You guys
know what that is?

Okay, guess what you're about to know.

The Altoid game.

Here's what you need to play.

You need two things. Well, no, you need
three things. You need friends.

If you don't have friends, you can't
have a party. But if you need friends,

you need a box of Altoids, and you need
some liquid LSD.

Here's how you play.

You take the box of Altoids. This is the
friend group, right? You take the box of

Altoids, open it up in front of the
friends. Take one drop of acid.

Drop it on one of the Altoids.

Let it soak in. Then you close the box.

You shake it up, and then everybody eats
an Altoys.

And in 45 minutes, you find out who wins
or loses or whatever.

It's a fun game. It's intense 45
minutes, too.

Everyone's looking at each other like,
oh, boy, oh, boy.

That's the regular rules. I play
differently. My house rules are a little

different. The way I play is before
everybody gets to the party, I pre-hit a

drop of acid on every one of the Altoys.

So not to lose everybody's trip, but
everybody also thinks everybody else is

lying to them.

Which makes it a lot more fun. I'm the
only one who knows.

Yeah, the first guy will be like, oh,
shit, I think I got it. Yeah, I'm

starting to feel it. Someone else is
like, you definitely didn't, because I

got it. So there's no way.

And then another guy is like, stop
fucking with me. I got it.

I love drugging my friends.

It is one of the great joys in life.

If you have friends and you do drugs,
you've either drugged or you've been

drugged, you need to reevaluate your
friendships.

I've been drugged a few times. One time
I was at a comedy festival in Houston,

Texas. My friend Kim Congdon, she came
up to me. I was finished a bottle of

water. She walked up, she goes... How
was that water?

I'm like, I don't like the way you asked
that at all.

Nobody's ever asked that question that
way.

I go, did you put something in there?
She goes, yeah, a couple things.

A couple things? That's an escalation.

Yeah, I spent the rest of the evening in
my hotel room, naked, staring out the

window.

I thought it was a crow, and my job was
to take care of the city of Houston.

I was just out there.

People were texting me, too, because I
found out what happened. They're like,

are you all right? I'm like, no, I'm
great.

This is not the evening I planned, but
I'm having a blast.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

One time, my friend Luis J. Gomez tried
to put acid in my beer, but,

like, I saw it, like, he put it on top
of the suds. I saw it floating square.

With a happy face on it. Fucking dunk
it, you idiot.

I've gotten beers before. They never
come with a square with a happy face.

So I'm not going to drink the acid, but
also I don't want to waste it.

Acid's hard to come by.

So as soon as my friend turned his back,
I just swapped beers with him. I got

somebody else.

It was fun.

One time...

This involves a friend of mine, and I
don't want to hurt anybody, so I'm going

to change the relevant details. I'm
going to change the name so nobody knows

exactly who I'm talking about or all the
details so we can't point back to any

specific person. But the story is all
true besides the specific details like

that.

I have a fat alcoholic comedian friend
named Borg.

Borg Krishna.

He is a, he's a Hindu comedian.

This is where I got this outfit from.

He's the body of Buddha, but he worships
the Hindu religion, whatever the fuck

that is, I don't know.

And he's an alcoholic, really a bad
person, interrupts constantly at

fatherhood so-so, but overall, a good,
good friend of mine.

And he loves alcohol so fucking much.

Borg.

One day me and Borg were in... It's
going to be fun to keep saying that

name. One day me and Borg were in
Madison, Wisconsin, drinking.

That's what he does. He loves drinking
instead of calling his family after a

show.

And I got an idea that maybe he'd like
Molly, and I suggested it to him.

Because he does alcohol so much. Branch
out, you know?

And I go, hey, Borg. And he goes...

You go, hey, Borg, you know what you'd
like? I think you'd like Molly.

I think you'd get a real kick out of
Molly.

And he goes, Ari, I have no interest at
all in doing that.

And then very softly I go, challenge
accepted.

And he goes, what'd you say? I'm like,
nothing, Borg.

Nothing at all.

And he went back to chugging his beer.

And then I waited. I waited like eight,
nine months. I planned. I planned it

out. Or plotted. I plotted it out.

What's the difference?

Planning and plotting are the same
thing. It's just evil. Is that the only

difference?

Al-Qaeda plots, America plans.

Massive death either way, but... Yeah.

I plotted for sure. I plotted.

Then I went to his house. I went to
Borg's house for a pod... No, for a...

For an internet radio program. We were
doing a...

internet radio program at his house
called the Boardcast.

It's a very popular internet radio
program called the Boardcast. He has

two. He has the Boardcast, and he has
another one that he does with his very

safe Mexican friend named Tim Seguridad.

It's called Two Fat Whales.

It's actually a better name than what
they have.

Too Fat Whales is a better name because
a whale is fat and also has no bones. So

it represents both of them equally.

I've been on Too Fat Whales a few times,
but I'm here to talk about the Borg

cast.

We were doing it. We were in his
backyard doing it. And before we

started, I was like, hey, Borg, before
we started, shouldn't we get some

alcohol since you love alcohol so much?
He goes, oh, yeah, I love alcohol.

I love it so much.

He offered to go get it. I was like, no,
you sit down. You're so fat, you're

going to get winded.

If you stand up before the fucking
internet radio program starts, you'll be

out of breath completely.

You're chubby, right? We can all agree
with that.

You're nowhere near Borg.

He's two of you, easily.

Oh, lost the crowd? If you don't know,
I'm pointing to a man.

So it's okay. If you thought me was
pointing to a woman, you're not. It's a

man. I point to a man. I call the man
fat. I call the man fat, guys.

Relax. It's a man, and he's fat.

But he's not Borg fat.

It's just regular fat.

I'm legitimately sorry for what I just
did to you.

I'm legitimately more sorry for what I
just did to you than what I'm about to

do in this story.

And so, I went over to his man... He has
a study, and I went to his study, and I

got some alcohol. I poured two glasses
of Jameson, and I took two capsules of

powdered molly, and I put them down, and
I poured two glasses. I emptied out one

of the capsules, and I...

Put half in his drink and half in my
drink.

And then I was about to go back. But
then I saw the other capsule of Molly

just sitting there going, like, what
about me?

And I was like, that's fair, capsule of
Molly. That's totally fair.

So I was like, you get in here right
now.

Anyway, so then we took it. We cheers.
We started the interview.

And it hit me first. It hit me like at
15 minutes.

It hit me fast. Because I took like
three times as much as him.

And he outweighs me by 400 pounds.

You don't know him. You should see him.
He's fat in a way you can't really

comprehend.

Even if he's from Long Island, you guys
can't wrap your head around how fat this

guy is.

It's why his stomach is pushing. You
ever see Alien?

You know when the alien pops to the
belly?

Well, imagine the belly wouldn't break
and there's an alien.

That's Borg. That's Borg's belly.

Love him, though. One of my best
friends.

So it hit me first, and I'm fucking
flying. I'm just like, oh, come on,

catch up.

I can't let on what's happening. I know
the ride we're in for, but he doesn't,

so I'm just fucking, come on, and he's
sitting there, you know, going like, oh,

no, no, no, no, no, no.

Every

time

I start to say something, I go, oh, I
got a better start, I got a better

start.

Legitimately one of my best friends.

And then finally it starts to hit him.
After almost an hour. He's so fat.

Over an hour.

And he starts fucking looking at his
palms. He gets sweaty hands.

And then he starts breathing like he
just landed in Denver.

And he knew something was wrong. He
could tell something was wrong, but he

didn't know what. So he looked up to me
to see if I knew what was wrong.

And this is the face he saw.

And he got worried. He got worried for
sure. And he goes, wait, did you put

something in my drink? I'm like, I sure
did, buddy.

And he goes, what? What did you put in
there? I'm like, Molly, MDMA.

Mandy, the British call it. But they'll
call it Molly.

And he goes, wait, but I told you I
didn't want to do Molly. And I'm like,

yeah. And then I muttered, challenge
accepted.

It's out of my hands. The challenge had
been accepted.

And he goes, what? Well, I'm very mad at
you.

And I go, that's fine. You will not be.

He goes, what do you mean? Like, you
can't be mad on Molly. It doesn't work

that way.

It won't let you. Nobody's ever been mad
on Molly. That's impossible.

You could be Hitler at bar mitzvah.

You'll still have a good time.

That's actually a decent example.

That's actually a decent example.

You could be the Fuhrer at a Jewish
coming-of-age ceremony.

And if you gave him Molly, he'd be like,
no, that circle dance is pretty cool.

Just rounding around. It's so fucking
easy to master.

And look at those shoes. So many shoes.

I want all those shoes.

That was going to get me in trouble, I'm
sure.

Anyway, he goes, no, that's bullshit,
man. You can't drug people.

You can't live with this level of
freedom that I envy. I look up to you,

man. You're one of my best friends. I
love you so much.

I'm so glad you're part of my life. I'm
legitimately a better person. Oh, fuck,

it's happening.

I'm like, it sure is. Welcome to the
party. He goes, this feels great.

I'm like, I knew you'd like it. He goes,
hey, can we dance?

I'm like, we sure can, bro.

He goes, but there's no music playing.
I'm like, do you know any songs?

He goes, I know all the songs.

I'm like, all right, pick a song. He
goes, got it.

Found out later the song was Groovers in
the Heart.

Anyway, we danced a bunch. He told me he
loved me like 85 times.

It was fucking ruled.

It was the best. He hugged me a ton.

We were just talking, having a blast. We
were looking inside through the window,

watching his fucking family do regular
family shit.

Yeah, none the wiser.

Having no idea that their father's been
turned out by their drug addict Uncle

Ari.

He's just doing regular family stuff,
making cookies the way he likes it, with

three times the sugar.

Yeah, we had a great time. At some
point, his cat jumps off the couch next

to him, and he looks at the cat and
goes, Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari. I'm like,

what? He goes, my cat teased me.

I'm like, what?

He goes, no, no, it teased me.

I'm like, bro, you're feeling it. He
goes, I sure am. Let's dance again. I

got another song.

Bro, we sat back there for almost five
hours doing this internet radio program.

I don't think it's come out yet.

Fucking any day now it should be out.

Anyway, it was a blast.

I mean, legitimately, it's like one of
the greatest memories of my life. You

ever make a core memory with a friend?

You know, I got a lot of trouble for
this, but I don't think about the

trouble. I think about having a blast
with my friend.

In his backyard, watching the sun sets
the trees on Molly with a backyard that

dick jokes paid for.

I mean, what a blast. No regrets at all.

One regret, yeah.

Yeah, no, for sure one regret. For sure
one regret.

I fucked up. I should have saved some
Molly for his wife.

That was a mess up because...

She was indeed capable of being mad.

She was more than capable of being quite
angry.

Yeah. So I laughed. He was like, bro, I
love you so much. This is such a good

idea. I'm like, I knew you'd love it,
Borg.

And he goes, give me another hug. Give
me another hug. I love you so much. I'm

like, I love you, too. And I drove home.

And oh, yeah, dude, when you drive on
Molly, you're a very courteous driver.

I did not expect that.

Everybody was like, you want to merge?
Get in here. Let's go. Merge.

How about you? You looking to change
lanes? My lane's your lane. I've been

where you're at. We're all one. Come on.
Come on in.

I pulled up next to somebody at a light.
I gave him the roll down the window

sign. He's like, what? I'm like, that
lane changed back there. I saw it.

Perfect.

Fucking nailed it, bro. That was really
awesome.

And then, what did I call him?

Borg, yeah, Borg.

Borg had to go tell his wife. He goes in
there still not fucking flying, you

know. And he goes, hey, to his wife. He
goes, hey.

Nope.

He goes, fuck.

He goes, hey, Brienne. Hey, Brienne.

Yeah, Brienne Krishna.

Borg and Brienne Krishna. They're a
popular Hindu couple in Los Angeles.

He goes, hey, Brianne, fuck it, Ari.

And she goes, what? What do you do now?
He goes, he fucking put Molly in my

drink.

And she goes, what?

And he goes, damn, that was not the vibe
I was hoping for at all.

And she goes, what the fuck?

She was lost. She goes, what if
something happened to you? She goes,

what if something happened to the kid?

Which that, I mean, that's just someone
who's never done Molly before.

You can't lie. What's going to happen to
the kid? What's he going to do? Hug them

to death?

What's he going to do, show interest in
her schoolwork for the first time in a

decade?

It's not a hand grenade, lady. It's a
fucking mid-level party drug.

She was livid. Fair enough.

And she said, like, hey, you got to go
tell the kids. And he goes, yeah, okay,

someday I'll tell them. She goes, no,
no, no, you got to tell them now.

He goes, my pupils are that wide.

I don't think this is the right time,
but okay.

So he goes into his son's room.

His two beautiful sons.

South Carolina.

And what's the other one?

Ali.

Ali in South Dakota or whatever.

I don't fucking.

It's daughters. It's Bert Kreischer,
everybody. All right.

I'm sure you knew this. I don't want to
do this anymore. It's Bert Kreischer. I

fucked him up with Molly pretty bad.

And he had to go tell his daughters. He
goes, sit down. I got to talk to you.

And they go, what is it? He goes, sit
down. They saw he was serious. They go,

your Uncle Ari, he did a bad thing.

And they go, what did he do? He goes,
well, listen, I just want you to know

that just because someone does a bad
thing doesn't necessarily mean that

they're bad people, you know? We're all
a sum of all our parts.

And when someone fucks up, we've got to
realize that that's part of who we are.

Yo, is this Taylor Swift?

They're like, yeah. He goes, she's
great.

I just heard she was good. I didn't know
she was this good.

Yeah, he became a Swifty that day, he
told me.

And they're like, Dad, what do you want
to tell us? He goes, no, fuck that.

Dance with your father.

And they dance for an entire Taylor
Swift album.

And then they're like, what do you want
to tell us? He goes, all right, all

right, all right, all right. Sit down.

And he goes, well, get me some water
first.

And he housed two-thirds of a bottle of
water and poured the rest in his head.

And he goes, all right, your uncle
already did a bad thing. And then he

just used the worst wording.

I think words are important.

I think that's most of the fighting we
have here because people are fighting on

different definitions of the same word.

Like you can't call someone a Nazi
because they give you a parking ticket.

That word is covered.

If that's the worst they did, my father
would have a different relationship with

them.

You know, the Nazis pulled him out of
his bed in his shtetl in Romania. He's

like, oh, no, the Nazis!

And he's like, yeah, like, yeah, you
double parked. It's $30.

Like, oh, yeah, all right.

You guys got a very bad reputation.

Anyway, he used the wrong word. He went
to his daughters. He goes, your uncle

already roofied me.

Yeah, which, that implies a roofie was
involved.

Yeah, toast me, drug me, put Molly in my
chair. Sure, not roofied.

Because then the girls go, you mean like
Bill Cosby?

Yeah, and he goes, yeah, exactly like
Bill Cosby.

But I wouldn't say exactly like.

That's another word I wouldn't use
there.

Somewhat like. Not exactly like.

I can think of many differences.

The activity levels of our victims was
wildly different.

I don't think any of Bill Cosby's
victims complained of their feet hurting

from dancing too much.

And so they went to school the next day
and told all their friends that their

Uncle Ari raped their father.

Uphead and Molly, their clearly stronger
father, was overpowered and raped by

their melting candle body drug addict
Uncle Ari.

And I mean, I was fucked after that. It
ruined everything.

That family hated me after that. They
wouldn't allow me near the house, which

I get. If I raped your dad, you'd be
like, you can't come over.

I get it from their perspective.

It's like, that's kind of the end of our
relationship.

And I was fucked. No one would talk to
me.

Burt forgave me first after like a year
for fucking free money.

Yeah, I hated it. Listen, I do wild
shit, obviously, if you know me. But I

just want everyone to like me. I don't
want everyone to not like me.

You know? Except Laker fans.

Yeah, Laker fans, I'm fine with that.
Oh, they hate me too.

I made fun of their one-time MVP.

Literally half the MVPs is Steve Nash,
but whatever.

Say what you want about him, but he
tried to beat traffic, so he killed his

daughter.

Seven other people. Nobody's learned
their names, but anyway.

Hold on.

I'm getting sidetracked here.

I'm getting sidetracked here. Let's get
back to the fucking family that hates

me.

I've dosed my close friends with fucking
drugs against their will in front of

their family. I know what humans are
capable of.

That was wrong, by the way. I should not
have done that. That was a mistake. I

lost a friend for a year.

So he forgave me first. He had to change
my name in his phone, though, so they

wouldn't know when I was calling because
they still hated me for years after.

He changed my name to Agent.

That's actually a good name. You know,
Kanye has some good points.

Oh, yeah, he forgave me. That's it.
Yeah, every time I'd call, he'd be like,

it's my agent calling. I've got to take
this outside.

I'd be like, are they still mad? He
goes, yeah, they fucking hate you, bro.

You raped their dad.

I hate it. I hate people being mad at
me. I know I shouldn't have done it, but

I fucking hated it.

But if you ever had a friend that's mad
at you, I'll just tell you that time

will heal all wounds.

And they've forgiven me. It's all cool
now.

Yeah, yeah, it feels good.

I'll tell you what happened.

Tell you what happened five years past,
you know, so it's tough to hold on to

that after that long, you know Burt's
gone on to do amazing things interrupt

massive celebrities all over the fucking
globe And the

kids grew up they got older and they
went off to college which means Yeah,

they do Molly

You can't get through college without
doing Molly and I would have loved that

scene that first time But someone's like
hey, we're all doing Molly night. You

want to do something like no, thanks
Like why not like I'm not looking to get

raped tonight. Thank you anyway Like
that's not really a side effect of this

drug like I know what happened to my dad
Like that brings up a lot of new

questions that I don't even want to get
into but we're about to drug so enjoy

that

And they try to see all their friends
dancing and have a good time, and

they're probably like, all right, you
know what? Give me some.

And then it hits them, and they're
fucking, oh, my God, smiling literally

from ear to ear. If you've done Molly,
you know what it is. It's just a lot of

sweating and smiling.

You know, talking to your friends like,
Rebecca, Samantha, this is the crew.

It's fate.

It's fate that brought us together.

Same school. We're going to be friends
forever.

I love this place.

Yay! And then just froze like, oh, fuck.

Everyone's like, what? What's the
matter? Are you okay? And they're

probably like, no.

No, I don't think I am okay.

Like, what's the matter? Like, I just
realized something terrible.

My father's a pussy.

Thank you very much, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my great
pleasure to bring to the stage a friend

of mine. He's open to me on the road,
and he's about to be a fucking huge

name. I know you guys love him. Please,
straight from Ireland, Mr. Colin

Tyrrell, everybody!

Let him hear it!

This is a story

about a fella named Pilot Hannigan.

Now, the beautiful thing about Pilot
Hannigan is that he doesn't actually

exist. Pilot Hannigan is an alter ego
that I created when I was younger

while blackout drunk, okay?

I don't know where it came from. I was
just told that I had my shirt off at a

party screaming, I'm Pilot Hannigan, all
right?

And it's not Pilot like he flies planes,
just first name Pilot, last name

Hannigan.

If he showed up, it was trouble.

A buddy of mine said he can't fly
planes, but he does crash parties.

There was a pilot, Hannigan.

And he did a lot of shit. I would wake
up after a night out, and there would be

like, you know, like a traffic cone in
my kitchen.

I'd be like, oh, pilot Hannigan.

Oh, I would cheat on my girlfriend.

Oh, pilot.

You keep doing that, Pilot.

How dare you?

The worst time Pilot ever got me in
trouble, I was in Bangkok, Thailand.

Okay? For those of you that don't know,
Thailand is one of those Chinese

countries.

I was there... I was there 15 years

ago. I was traveling with my best
friend, David.

Okay? Now, Bangkok is like this smelly,
grimy, insane,

fun party city.

All right? We were 19 years old. We were
baby-faced backpackers.

Bangkok chewed us up and spat us out.
And then the next day, we showed up

looking for more. Okay?

Because every night...

was another opportunity to try get some
pussy.

Okay? Bangkok is an incredible place
because there's a lot of women in

Thailand. There's a lot of women in
Bangkok.

A lot of them are prostitutes.

But I did not indulge. Okay? I was 19
years old. I thought prostitutes were

gross. Oh, to be young.

And... It's a weird place, Bangkok. It's
a weird place.

It's a hotbed for kiddie fuckers.

Yeah, kiddie fuckers. They love it
there.

Yeah,

it's like Coachella for those fellas.

They love it.

Bangkok, or at least Thailand, is the
pedophilia capital of the world, okay?

Second place is the Vatican.

But first place is Thailand.

So we're in Bangkok, me and David, we're
out one night, we're wasted, right? It's

a rowdy night, we're at some watering
hole, it's fucking full of people, okay?

There's some English boys there, and me
and David, we're having like fucking

some banter with these guys. They keep
going, potato, potato!

And we keep going, fuck the queen, fuck
the queen!

It was just another night out, and
that's when...

One of the most beautiful women I've
ever seen in my life walked in. It was a

Thai lady. She has blonde hair. She's a
fucking 10 out of 10 smoke show, right?

My fucking, my heart fell into me arse,
right? It was just one of the most

beautiful women I'd ever seen, right?
She comes up to me. She starts talking

to me, okay?

Now, I'm not going to do, I'm not going
to do the accent.

It's a little racist, but you can yellow
it up inside if you want to.

If you want to do, I'm not, I would
never.

But internally, you can
bing-bong-ding-dong if you want, but I

would not... I'm not going to do that.
That's beneath me.

By the way, it's not bing... It's more
of a... It's a... It's very clucky.

It's a very chicken-like language.

I'm not doing that. I'm just giving you
the building blocks to make this story

funnier, but I'm not... I don't want to
get cancelled and springboard my career,

okay?

She comes up and talks to me. She's
fucking gorgeous, right? And I say to

her, I go, listen, I'm not interested in
prostitutes.

Okay? And she goes, I'm a school
teacher.

And I said, fucking, Tyler Hannigan,
nice to meet you.

Okay?

And I'm flirting with her. I'm doing
everything I can to fucking create a

connection. Right? I buy her a drink. I
go, do you like teaching?

And she's like, yeah.

She goes, yeah, I love kids. And I go,
that's incredible. Drink your drink.

Drink your drink.

I go, how old are you, like 20?

She's like, I'm 32.

I go, fuck, that's insane.

Drink your drink. Drink your drink.

She goes, how many kids do you think I
have? I said, hopefully none.

And she goes, I've got three.

And I went, ugh, fucking drink your
drink. Drink your drink.

She tells me she's into me. But she
goes, I don't like white men.

You guys come over here, you treat us
like fucking me. You never fucking treat

us like girlfriends.

And I go, what's that mean? I'll treat
you like a girlfriend. What do you want?

She goes, I want to go on a date.

I was like, we can do that. What do you
want to do? She goes, tomorrow, Harry

Potter is in the cinema.

That's what I want to do. I want to go
watch Harry Potter.

And I go, yeah, done. We'll do that.
We'll go see Harry Potter in the cinema.

And she goes, you want to do that? I go,
baby, I want to, like, marry you.

I want to...

I want to take you out of here. I'm
going to bring you back to Ireland. I'm

going to introduce you to my parents,
your kids.

They're staying here.

They're Asian.

They're replaceable. We're not bringing
them with me.

And we're hitting it off, and I'm
playing the game of my life, and I think

I'm in there, right? And that's when a
man got stabbed.

What a cock block.

Okay, a fucking fight broke out in the
bar like old-school fight like this

spaghetti western, right?

Everyone was involved. There was punches
flying, tables were flipped, glasses

were being smashed, right? Something
happened, right, with the English guys.

It's always the fucking English guys,
right?

They were like, oi, oi, and one of them
got handsy with one of the Thai

prostitutes. He smacked one of them. So
then all the other Thai prostitutes

showed up, right? And then just a fight
fucking broke out. It was insane.

Dave got involved, right? And then I got
dragged into it. I was wrestling that

dude.

The girl I was with, the Thai girl I was
with, you know, she had blonde hair,

right? So Blondie was fucking kicking a
guy on the fucking ground, right? We're

all fighting.

But those English guys, they got the
shit kicked out of them that day because

those Thai prostitutes don't fuck
around, all right? One of the dudes got

knocked out by one of the big ones,
right? That was like the trans athlete

of the group came in and fucking...

At some point, one of the guys got
stabbed.

Someone smashed a glass and fucking
stabbed him in the belly, right? Now, I

would have been upset, but he was
English, so I was like, I said, it was

chaos.

There was chairs being thrown around,
right? An ambulance was called. The cops

showed up, right? That's when Blondie,
right? She grabs me by the hand, and she

fucking runs. She goes, come with me,
and we run down the street, right? So

there's a lot of commotion. It all
starts to die down.

She turns around to me, and she goes,
hey.

let's go back to my house i was like
fucking great score and i said just one

last i go before we leave right you're
not a prostitute are you she goes no i

like you so we went back to her house
and i quickly found out that she was in

fact a prostitute okay as soon as i walk
in she goes if you want to fuck me you

have to pay me and i like that's the
fucking definition of a prostitute

Have you got like Rosetta Stone around
here or something? Because I don't know

if you know what I've been saying all
night.

She kisses me and she goes, how much
would you pay me to fuck me? And I go,

nothing.

And then she starts sucking on my neck
and licking my ear. She goes, how much

would you pay me to fuck me? And I go,
nothing.

Then she got down on her knees and she
pulled my dick out and she starts

sucking on it. And she goes, how much
would you pay me to fuck me? And I said,

I'll give you everything I have in my
wallet!

Because that's as far as a man's morals
can go, right?

And she said, deal!

And then she opened my wallet.

And she was very angry.

She goes, I've got three kids. That's
not enough to fuck me. And I go, listen,

listen, that's all the money I have on
me right now. Okay, but we're going to

meet up tomorrow, aren't we? She said,
yeah. I was like, we're going to go to

the cinema.

We're going to watch Harry Potter,
aren't we? She said, yeah. I go, I'll

meet up then, and I'll give you the
money then.

She goes, you promise?

I said, Pilot Hannigan does not lie.

So we're hooking up, and then I go down
on her, okay?

Muscle memory, okay?

And I'm loving it, and I'm like, all
right.

I'm licking hooker pussy.

And then I realized what I said, and I'm
like, oh, no!

I'm licking hooker pussy.

So I stopped doing that, and we start
fucking, okay? Now, you're thinking,

Colm, 19 years old, you're in Bangkok,
you're with a Thai prostitute, you

probably wore a condom.

I did not.

I'm a Catholic boy. I've got Catholic
values.

Okay?

It's actually the only time I'm ever
religious is the condoms thing.

All the other stuff I let slide, but
that one, no, no, no.

I've never even read the Bible, but I
know somewhere in there it says, don't

use protection, finish on her belly.

Corinthians 2.0.

That's in the book.

So I'm fucking blondie, right? And we
get about six pumps in. And that's when

I do my special move where I go, I'm
about to cum!

And I go to pull out, but she grabs me
and she fucking holds me in her.

Yeah, that's... fucking Asian strength,
right? She fucking, she pulled my cheeks

apart like a gorilla ripping open a
melon, right? And I, and I dumped my

Irish muck inside her. Go, no!

What a way to come. No!

Listen, no, no, no means no.

I was, I was raped, right?

as bad as they make out, right? But I'm
a victim. I am a victim.

We start fighting, okay? We start
fighting. She goes, why would you come

inside me? I go, you fucking made me do
that, okay? And we're screaming at each

other. And that's when we hear like a
voice, like a little child starts

crying, okay? She goes into another
room. She comes out. She has this little

kid, little Asian baby.

A lot less Asian, but she has an Asian
baby.

And she goes, you have to go. And I go,
absolutely, loved it.

And I go, I'll see you tomorrow for
Harry Potter. I was like, I'll see you

then, okay?

I go back to the hostel. I meet up with
Dave. You know, Dave tells me he was

there when all the cops showed up. They
were interrogating everybody about that

English guy getting stabbed.

I tell him all the news about Blondie
and how, like, tomorrow I'm going to

have to go see Harry Potter with this
girl.

And he goes, you know, you could just
not do that.

I go, what do you mean? He's like, we're
leaving in a few days.

Why don't we just get the next bus out
of here?

And you'll never see Blondie again.

And you won't have to pay her.

So that's exactly what we did.

We were on a bus out of there. She was
probably waiting with the popcorn.

And I was out of there. Yeah, fuck her!

Right? We traveled all around the
region, right? We went to, like,

Vietnam.

We were staying in hostels. I would tell
everybody the story, and everyone was

like, oh, my gosh, he tried to scam you,
but you scammed her. You scammed the

hooker. You know, the legend grew.

Every hostel I would tell, the story got
bigger and bigger.

We traveled for eight weeks. It was the
best.

Our trip ended.

We had to go back to Ireland, and we
were leaving through Bangkok.

That's where our flight was.

So we had to go back.

I said, do you reckon we'll see Blondie?

He goes, no, not at all.

Our first night there.

We see Blondie.

She fucking grabs me and she goes, You!

You owe me money and you make me
pregnant.

I know.

Fucking scandalous.

Right? And I said, Fuck you. I'm not
giving you any money. You lied to me.

She goes, If you don't give me the
money, I'll abort your baby.

And I said, Finally, something we can
agree on.

So she's grabbing me, and we're kind of
wrestling a little bit, and then these

two cops show up. These two Thai police
officers show up, and they've got guns,

and then they grab us, and Blondie
starts talking to one of the guys. She's

like... And he's like... And the two of
them fucking... I don't know what

they're saying, but they're pointing at
me going... Right?

And I'm freaking out, right? So I take
all the money. I have my wallet. I take

all my cash. I hand it to a fucking
blondie. I go, hey, that's all the money

I have. We're all done. We're even,
okay?

The two of them talk, and she walks
away, all right? And I turn around to

the cop. I go, sorry, it was a
misunderstanding.

No problem.

We're done here. And he goes, oh, I
don't give a fuck about any of that

shit. He goes, he says to me, you match
the description of a suspect who's

wanted in connection with a stabbing
that happened at a bar here eight weeks

ago. You're under arrest.

And I'm like, fuck, the English guy got
stabbed. They wanted me for that, right?

And I'm freaking out.

I'm like thinking I'm going to go to
jail. I'm going to get raped, right? For

real this time.

Not like the good kind, like earlier,
like the bad kinds they tell you about,

you know?

And I'm trying to tell him and he goes,
shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Don't say anything.

And he looks at my ID. He closes it. And
he hands it back to me. And he goes,

you're free to go.

The man we're looking for is Pilot
Hannigan.

Thank you very much, guys. I appreciate
it. Enjoyed asking.

Come here one more time, you guys. Give
it a round.

You guys ready for the final comedian
tonight?

What a fucking show it's been.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy's one of
the greatest comics in our time. He's

fucking a real inspiration to me. I know
you guys love him. He is part bear, part

mom. El Jefe, Mr. Tom Segura, everybody.

All right.

Yeah.

So, uh, Yeah. My dad died a few years
ago. That's not the funny part.

Just picturing a way into it. Jesus,
man.

He didn't. He's totally dead.

And I miss him. I'm lucky. Not everybody
gets a great dad. I got a great dad. He

was thoughtful.

He was affectionate. He was a generous
guy. He was flawed, like we all are

flawed. He was very checked out.

You know what I mean? Like my dad, if
you went up to my dad, if I was like,

hey, man, you know, I'm feeling kind of
lost right now. I don't know if I'm

going the right way in life and I could
just really use, you know, somebody to

tell me what I'm doing. I feel totally
lost. He would say, what's that?

You'd be like, that was awesome. Thanks,
man.

You know, I can remember.

I remember in college, I brought a
couple of my roommates home with me for

spring break. So they came down. We were
living in Florida.

And my roommate, Casey, was nervous to
meet my dad.

He thought my dad was kind of
intimidating, which he really was pretty

much like a big teddy bear. But he was
like, I'm intimidating. I go, no, just

talk to him. So I see him talking.

I see my roommate talking to my dad in
the other room.

And then a moment later, my roommate
comes over. And his eye, he turns white.

And I was like, what the fuck?

He goes, I was talking to your dad.

And I go, yeah. And he goes, he just
walked away, you know.

And I was like, what? He goes, yeah, he
just walked away.

So I went over to my dad. I was like,
hey.

He's like, what? I go, my friend, you
just walked away.

And he goes, I was bored.

I was like, oh, that's nice. So, I mean,
I guess I'm also

realizing my dad, I guess he's autistic.

I don't fucking know.

But he's on the spectrum.

But he was great, and I also remember I
used to involve my dad a lot.

I just had these stupid ideas to do on
podcasts. So I would call him. I'd be

like, hey, I'm going to call you to do
this bit or something, or I want you to

just answer the phone. And he would
always say the same thing. He would

always go, anything for my son, anything
to help my son.

And I was like, oh, cool. And I took it
for granted. I was like, that's just a

normal response.

But the reason I know that I'm lucky to
have had that response is that I also

have a mother.

And she's not going to die, dude. She's
never going to fucking die.

She's fucking 80.

She's from Peru.

She learned English at 33.

And for the last 30 years, she's been
telling me she will die. Like, she's

been promising to die.

Like, almost daily, she'll be like, you
know, I'm going to die tomorrow, maybe.

And you're like...

and then every day you're like what the
you're still fucking here though you

know like just go through on one of your
promises right she just turned eight

she's like 80 you're like 80 sounds
ancient and 80th birthday she's like

hello look who's in perfect health and
you're like motherfucker just

die so she she's like for real can be
described she's like you

know people describe someone as having a
tough

My mom's got one of those.

She's, you know, she's like into guilt
trips. She's a big gaslighter. She's

fucking manipulative.

She's a real shithead. I mean, she just
is.

Some people have a parent like that,
right? You're just like, yeah. You're

like, yeah, mine's fucked. You got two.
You got two like that.

Fuck. Are they alive?

God, yeah.

And here's the thing. It just, it never,
it won't, it's not going to end. I know

my mom is going to be on, like, Good
Morning America, and they're going to be

like, guess who's 114 today?

Like, and she's going to be like, oh,
they just, she's just never going to

die. And I've had a lot of contentious,
like, big fights.

with my mom, you know, over the years.
Like, I've had a lot of times where I

have... Dude, I remember one time we had
a family dinner with, like, you know,

cousins and aunts and uncles, like a
nice long table kind of dinner. And

earlier that day, my mom had had me
drive her and her sister to the local

mall, right? Because she's incapable of,
like, a fucking whatever, eight-minute

drive.

I'm like, okay.

So...

I drop them off, and then I have to pick
them up.

When I went to pick them up, I went to a
different door than I had dropped them

off at, and then I figured it out, and I
went to the other door, and they get in

the car, and she was like, Jesus, we
wait all day for you. I'm like... So at

dinner, she brings it up.

She's like, we went to the mall, and he
made us wait an hour.

And it doesn't sound like a big deal,
but I was just so fed up that at dinner,

with all the family there, I was like,
you know...

I feel like your biggest joy is just in
ruining people's day.

And I heard her fork drop. I literally
heard like clink.

And she's like, what? I go, you were
born to be an asshole.

And then like she's crying and
everyone's like, way to go, fuckhead.

You know what I mean?

And my dad later, he goes, you know what
you said at dinner?

You made some good points.

And he goes, but your timing wasn't
great, buddy.

I go, thanks, Dad.

But anyway, he's gone now, so I just
have, you know, Captain fucking Asshole

all the time.

And, you know, she also, I'm telling
you, she thinks I'm literally, like,

the u.s central bank she thinks that i
have endless sums of money it's

wild to me she always like a fucking two
weeks ago she's like i need a car by the

way my dad died with life insurance like
she has money but she doesn't want that

so she's like i need a car i'm like you
need a car okay do i play a role in this

jace

I'm like, well, there are many options
for a car. Would you like a Ford or a

Chevy?

And she goes, I prefer Mercedes.

And I go, yeah, I prefer to talk to dad,
but we don't get what we want all the

time.

By the way, I got her the car, just so
you know.

Because she just manipulates you into
it. So I go, here's something you don't

deserve. So I got her the car.

And so I say this, and I know that some
people are probably like, wow, you

really hate your mom.

And yeah.

But not all the time.

Do you know what I mean?

See, there's a thing where I think if
you are, most people get this.

You can shit.

on your own right like you could be like
my brother's a fucking asshole right but

if somebody goes hey your brother's an
asshole you're like hey that's my

fucking asshole like you don't so my mom
yeah i love telling people how difficult

and horrible and awful she can be but i
still she's still my mom you know she's

still my mom and like i remember you
know she'll she'll sometimes like we'll

just discuss that like she's like do you
really love me Like, sometimes.

But I remember I had a day job one time,
and I was at work, and she calls me

crying, which is very strange, right?
I'm like, are you crying right now?

So I go, why are you crying?

And she goes, I was just thrown out of a
furniture store.

I'm like, you want to say that again?
What?

And she goes, I was shopping for
furniture.

There was one man working there, and I
asked him a question.

And then he said, I don't speak Russian.

So my mom goes, I don't speak Russian
either.

And then he said, why don't you learn
English and come back?

So she tells me that, and I just say,
give me the number to the store.

So I call the number.

The guy answers.

You know, he's like furniture or
whatever.

I don't remember what he said, but it
was probably like good morning or

something. And which would be, by the
way, saying what you sell is a good way

to run a business.

I do think it would be much better if
places just answered and just went like

jackets. And you're like, yeah, I wanted
it.

That's why I'm calling. So anyway, he
answers.

And then I just.

Very coolly and calmly, I just say to
the guy, I go, hey, man, how does it

feel to know that you're going to die
today?

And I'm just saying this quietly, like
I'm saying it like this.

And he goes, what?

And I go, I don't know if it's going to
happen at lunch.

I don't know if it's going to happen
when you're closing up shop.

It might even happen right after you get
home.

But at some point today, someone's going
to come.

and they're going to kill you.

And he goes, what the fuck?

And then I just hung up the phone. I was
like, ooh, that felt good.

I liked it.

This is 10 o'clock in the morning, by
the way.

Like, I just got to this job. Like, I'm
working in post-production in Los

Angeles, and I hang up, and I don't know
if you've ever threatened somebody's

life, but it gives you a real adrenaline
bump.

I found it difficult to focus on tasks
at hand, you know?

People were like, hey, Tom, do you have,
I'm like, you don't fucking talk to me,

okay?

I'm an assassin.

Now, like, I was vibrating. I mean, I
was really, I was pacing the halls.

And, like, here's the other thing. Like,
do you ever watch true crime shows?

Like, do you ever watch those shows?

And the truth is, if you watch those
shows, you do learn a little something.

One of the biggest takeaways that you
gather is that people get caught because

they make critical errors. And on this
particular day, I made several.

I called in that threat from my office
line.

Like it put out a general number of a
place that had, I don't know, 100

employees. But it was a good tip.

The real mistake that I made that day,
and I mean, I'm just telling you this is

just how it was, is that I just wanted
to hear his voice again. I wanted to,

I couldn't stop thinking about this guy.

And so I did what you know I shouldn't
do, which is I fucking called him back.

I called him back.

And here's the real mistake, is that I
called him back from my cell phone.

Because, I know, it's so dumb. It's like
if you were watching this on fucking

Dateline, you're like, what the fuck is
this fucking idiot? Like, because I

wasn't thinking. I was so consumed with
my anger and rage at the time that I

didn't, so I just walked the halls and I
was just, I called him.

And when I called him from my cell
phone, he answered. He answered the

fucking, he was like, furniture, again.

And I just was like, you're still alive?

And he was like, motherfucker. And I was
like, haha. Like, I was like,

scared, bitch. Like, I knew it.

I was so pleased with myself that I
didn't put together what was happening

with, like, you know, the details of
what, like, the evidence, basically.

Because within five minutes, my office
line rang.

And it was a transfer call.

And I just answered it, and it was the
guy.

He goes, hey, dipshit.

You called me from this number, and you
called me from your cell phone. I know

who you are.

And I go, okay.

He goes, how does it feel to know you're
about to get fired?

And I said, well, it's better than
knowing I'm about to die.

And I hung up, and I was like, I am
definitely getting fired right now.

And it was about a minute later, and the
office line rang, and it was our

security department at the
post-production house. And they were

like, hey, can you come up to our
office?

And I was like, yeah, what's this all
about?

And they said, we need to see you in
person immediately.

And I was like, okay.

So I kind of gathered all my things. I
was like, I'm going to be loading these

up pretty soon.

And I walked into this office, and there
were three guys standing there.

Just like with their arms folded, you
know.

And I walked in, I was like, hey, what's
up?

And the one guy goes, hey, we have kind
of a weird question to ask you.

I was like, I like weird shit. Like,
what's up?

I don't judge, man. What's up?

And he goes, did you call a furniture
store in Melbourne, Florida

and threaten?

To murder somebody?

It's so crazy to think that that was a
real question.

And you know what? I swear to you, I go,
no.

And guess what happened? Nothing.
Nothing happened at all.

Yeah.

You can do that, and you should do that
if someone is mean to your mom. It's not

cool. Let them fucking know I still love
my mom. All right, you guys were the

best. Thanks very much.

Have a great night. See you later.

I just,

I want to, do you remember us going to
Indianapolis together?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Tom was like the first to
headline, I think, among all of us.

Um, yeah. I don't know. I don't
remember, but... He called me, like,

there's this shitty gig, and, like, you
can feature. He's thinking, like, middle

for me.

It's a break-even week, but you might be
able to get in. She might like you and,

like, get you in. Might book you on your
own, yeah. Yeah, she did.

Yeah. They just closed.

They just closed. Yeah, so you can't go
there again. Crackers. Yeah.

Dude, this is when you were, like,
calling me Jew pretty hard quite often.

No. Wait, what did I do?

Nothing. Oh.

But anyway, no, it was fun. You know,
you mispronounced my name, Ari. Oh, I

would say that, and you would always
correct me. Yeah, it's Ari.

Yeah, you always would do that. I'll let
you know. It's pronounced Ari. Yeah, but

it is.

It's Ari Schaefer. It's Ari.

It's pronounced Ari. You always
mispronounce somebody else's name.

There was a time there where you talked
to Ruthann.

And she was, like, here, and you were,
like, doing the Jew jokes.

Yeah. Do you remember this? No. And I
was on stage, and Ruthann was like,

should we throw quarters at him while
he's on stage?

And you could hear that? You told me
this afterwards.

And you had to be like, no, don't do
that.

That's over the line.

That's insane.

Can you imagine if you had been, like,
just doing your thing, and you're like,

what is that?

Was that a coin? And then you'd have
been like, actually, I like this. I

mean, I want to get it. It's right
there.

A quarter's a quarter. Back then, it was
worth, like, 50 cents now. I didn't shit

now. We were crossing a road, too.

That's what a fun weekend. We were
crossing a road. It was, like, four

lanes each way. Yeah. And we just, like,
ran across the middle. We were going to

see a movie or something like that. And
I did see a quarter.

It was, like, wide open both ways. I saw
a quarter. I was like, oh, shit, cool.

I went to pick it up, but I missed it.
And then I went to pick it up again. I'm

missing it. But now cars were coming.

I stopped.

You're on the other side of the road
watching what was going to happen.

That would have been the all-time best
story to tell on this show.

Let me tell you the guy that used to
host this show, how he died.

Look him up. His name is Airy. His name
was Airy. Big time Jew.

I kept trying to pick it up and I'm
looking at you as if like I thought

maybe you'd help me, but you were
doubled over.

On the sidewalk.

Just envisioning what could happen.

At least it was a quarter.

Could have been way worse.

Heads up, Penny.

Lose your leg for a penny.

Tom is producing this whole thing, so
give him a round of applause.

Thanks very much.

Congrats to the Che Guevara of
comedians, who honestly, he supports so

many comics. He's like the most
supportive guy of other comics. He gives

people opportunities. And this show is
an awesome way to do it. So big hand for

Ari Shafir. Let him hear it.

I left a wallet there.