Original subtitles

So that was an experience. I just came

back from 10 days of vipasana meditation

retreat. 10 days of almost complete

silence and lots of pain. Pain on many

different levels. I'm an engineer. I am

interested in artificial intelligence,

machine learning, neuroscience, uh some

philosophy, psychology. And I don't see

humans as this or that.

So how did I ended up in vipasa? Couple

of years ago I had a friend and she used

to be all over the place very easily

irritatable and then throughout the

years she started changing a lot. She

became this most kind and smiley and

nice person and I always wanted to go

and talk to her in any social encounters

and I asked her what's her secret and

she told me oh I'm doing this vipasana

thing. At that time I thought like wow

this vipasa whatever she's doing is

really great for her but that also

probably planted a little seed in my

brain and then throughout the years I

met more people who told me about this

vipasa but the stories were always like

oh yeah you go there and then you sit

for many hours and your body is in pain

so I was like wow how does that make

sense but these people were I would say

more happy than the average person and

they didn't seem to be like a crazy

people So that planted more seeds in my

brain. And then one day my ex went to

Vipasa. Before she left, we had kind of

rough times on our relationship. And

then when she came back, she was

completely different person. She was

suddenly very loving and kind of nice

and I was like, "Wow, whatever happened

there in only 10 days made a big big big

impact on her." So then I went online

and they say that it's not a religious

or spiritual belief or any kind of

ritual which is cool. It's a technique

based on observing reality as it is.

Well, okay. There is no visualizations

or chantings and promises to help build

mental strength, which is exactly what I

wanted.

So, I'm on my way to Vipasa Center,

which is next to Madrid, which is about

10 hours of driving from where I'm right

now, which is crazy. But I don't want to

skip it cuz I registered for this thing

about four or 5 months ago. And getting

the spot was pretty difficult cuz once

they open registration, the spots fill

up really quickly. All the extra shots

that you will be seeing throughout this

video were done after the 10 days course

because you're not allowed to have a

phone or a camera during the course

obviously. And even after the course,

they were pretty strict with what's okay

to be filmed and what's not. But I still

managed to sneak in some interviews.

Yes, my first vipasana.

How was it?

And maybe the last one, I think.

First uh meditation experience. Oh, you

never meditated before?

That was uh straight into it. Straight

into it, you know, jumping into it.

And you?

You know what I mean? No, first time as

well. Uh, yes. So, day zero, I'm rushing

to Madrid. 10 hours of driving. My life

is just overloading me. And then I

arrived to this beautiful valley with

amazing mountain ridge. And I'm already

thinking like, wow, this is gonna be the

greatest vacation from people ever. And

now remembering that thought makes me

cringe a little bit and laugh. But we

will come to that part. I arrived to the

center 30 minutes before they closed

registration and it was already 4:30

p.m. and I had no food during that day.

So I'm starving trying to eat really

quickly something in my van while

packing my stuff and I don't know even

what to take. So I take random clothing

and I run to register myself. I come to

the registration house and they are

taking the phones of people. I tell them

that I left my phone in the van which

was true. So they asked me for my van

keys and they tell me this is for your

own protection. And I'm like wow for my

own protection they take my car keys.

Well okay whatever. Let's play with the

rules. Then they give you a room small

rooms with three bunk beds. And I was

assigned a top bed and you have a little

bit of free time to walk around and get

to know the people which was a nice part

cuz I realized that the people are very

very different.

I am an entrepreneur. I have a project

of regeneration gatherings to like

reforest uh the earth.

I'm an illustrator.

I'm a dancer and a choreographer. I'm

sailor a doctor. A guy from the pirate

ship. Some designers, artists, everybody

from early 20s to very old age. I didn't

felt like I just arrived to some

sectantic atmosphere. It was very very

casual and normal. Then we gather

everybody and it's a showtime. We

explain the rules. First and the most

important rule was noble silence which

means you are not allowed to communicate

with anyone in any form. You cannot

speak to the person. You cannot look

into the eyes. Cannot make any noises or

actions that would distract somebody. So

you're there to pretend that you are

alone and nobody else exists around you.

There is no sexual activity, no reading

or writing. So you cannot journal. You

cannot use intoxicants. So no smoking,

no drinking. Cannot lie, steal or kill,

which sounded easy except that you have

to be careful not to kill a mosquito or

something like that. And they split

males and females into the separate

territories. All the territory is

surrounded by ropes that you're not

supposed to cross. Ropes.

Ropes.

So I thought, great, sounds easy. It's

just a little box for your mind. No

input, no distractions. Perfect. I got

this. Only 10 days. And right after

this, you have a first meditation. So

you come to this beautiful big wooden uh

meditation hall. And that's the only

place where men and females are

together, but they're sitting on

separate sides of the hall. So you come

into the hall and there is a big big big

pile of cushions, blankets and pillows.

Took some pillows. I had no clue what to

take. I have no experience in this

thing. And I go find my place. I sit

down. Uh everybody's kind of trying to

make themselves comfortable. Eventually

the silence come and then it begins.

Before coming to this course, I asked my

friends for tips and they told me two

things. One thing was like try to find a

comfortable position to sit for a long

time and the next tip was don't laugh.

Don't laugh they said.

So they played the recording of the guy

called Guena which is dead and he is a

teacher of vipasana.

How was the guanka chanting? O,

some lessons could be good.

And I swear it sounded like the worst

singer on the planet Earth. Very drunk

and very very old. It was just something

like

[Music]

and my mind just went crazy. I was about

to burst and laugh, but I look around

and nobody is laughing. And I'm like,

"Wow, I cannot laugh now. Ben, calm

down. Relax. Be serious. It's a serious

atmosphere. If you start laughing, you

will be a douchebag." I kind of covered

myself a little bit. And I'm I am trying

to like giggle inside me. Come down. And

okay, this is part of the journey. I

have to go through it. I managed to come

down and then it was two hours of

meditation where they tell you to sit

and focus on your breath which is very

classical for many meditations and it's

very very hard to do if you're not

experienced. My mind was just racing

about everything, creating plans and

nothing about the breath, everything

about outside, outside, thinking about

outside. And I can hear how everybody

around me is kind of moving a little bit

and making little

disturbing noises and and sounds that

come although there's like this noble

silence, if you know what I mean.

There's no noble farts.

Yeah, there's only noble farts. Yeah.

[Music]

So, nobody dies from two hours of

sitting and the time will eventually

pass and it's time to rest. So, I go

back to my room, climb to my upper bed

and trying to convince my brain to fall

asleep, which is not happening cuz it's

too early for me to sleep. And then the

guy below me started snoring like crazy.

It sounded like a tractor or

So day one after almost no sleep entire

night, I can hear the gong and then my

roommate goes,

"Time to wake up, Chos."

Which I thought like, "How is this a

noble silence?" At the same time, I was

like, "Okay, maybe he is sleeping and

he's not conscious of his words." I

dragged myself out of the bed on the

last minute because I knew that it's

going to be very, very, very long day. I

walk outside. It's pitch black dark.

It's 4:00 a.m. in the morning. The sun

rises after 3 hours. So, slowly walking

to the meditation hall. And when I came,

there was another surprise. The mountain

of the pillows, cushions, and blankets

was gone. only couple of things left.

So, I took those couple of things. I

walk to my place. I'm trying to find my

sitting position and then I look up and

I swear there was a guy in front of me.

He had like a mountain of blankets

folded on top of each other for his ass.

So, he's sitting on like a blanket,

blanket, blanket, blanket, blanket,

blanket, pillow, pillow, pillow, pillow,

pillow. And he's sitting on that almost

like on the chair. And then he had his

knees like that. And there was another

mountain of pillows and blankets for one

knee and another mountain for another

knee. So he's sitting like in a throne

of cushions very comfortably looking.

The morning meditation is 2 hours. And

for 2 hours I was basically falling

asleep all the time. It felt like

hitting your forehead to a wall all the

time. You're sitting and then you fall

asleep. You go like this and then and

again and again. I was not sure if it's

possible to completely fall asleep and

fall. So, I was worried a little bit,

but that didn't happen. I was just like

tuck no concentration on breathing or

whatever you're supposed to do. It's

just tuck for two hours. And then

finally, you have a gong. And it's time

for the breakfast.

What was the best part?

The best part, the food.

And the food was so so so good.

One day we did dessert, I was almost

crying.

Wow. I was orgasming with my eyes seeing

all this delicious breakfast that they

prepared for me. For me, not for me, for

everybody. Also in the eating place

there was this big board on the wall

with the schedule and some additional

information. So I glanced through the

schedule and it was full a lot of

things. I was like wow great amazing a

lot of things. Uh I will be busy all

day. Perfecto. And then I looked into

that additional information and it said

something like Guankena's chanting has

nothing to do with any santic or

religious chantings. He speaks only the

words of wisdom and he's there just to

uplift our moods.

[Music]

I don't understand his words. So for me

it's just random chantings which make no

sense.

The way he like sings and uses like

super low vibrations is a way to like

get into your subconscious and like

implant the seed very deeply into you

cuz those words are like charged with

very powerful meaning. They're not just

like a distraction or statement.

It doesn't work in English. It's not

it's not really

No, but it gives this sense of uh of

importance to what you're doing. I guess

after all this amazing breakfast, there

was time for rest. And the most people

just go back to sleep and so did I.

Start again.

Start again.

Which I was hearing my head every

morning when the gong was ringing. It

was like start again. And it would like

hit my head on the ceiling because I had

the top bed. Uh-huh. It's still day one.

Although it felt like a completely new

day, but it was just the beginning of my

vapasa journey. I drag myself back to my

meditation hall. Before entering the

hall, I glanced to the wall with the

schedule. And to my surprise/shock,

all this huge list of items, although

it's still huge, it's only the same

thing. It's meditation, meditation,

meditation, meditation. Some rest, but

mainly meditations for 10 and a half

hours a day. Okay, I came here to learn

something. So, let's give it a full

effort and let's see what comes out of

it. Unfortunately, my mind is constantly

seeking for action and it wants to

create plans and wants to dream about

the future or think about the past. So I

decided to give it a challenge and I go

like, "Hey brain, you have to look into

this spot and observe how the breath

goes in and the breath goes out." Yeah.

I can feel it goes in, it goes out, it

goes in. Yeah. Yeah. It goes out and

then Oh, look. Look, there is an idea.

Yeah. 5 hours later, you realize how

much you created in your head and how

great it is. And then you look into the

clock behind you and it's actually only

five minutes later. Finally, there was a

sound of the gong again which felt so

good.

The food is so good here. So good. And

it's that keeps you going through the

course.

In fact, the food was so good that for

the rest of the days, the guys were

queuing in front of the eating place

like 10 minutes before the gong rang.

Lunch time was way too soon. Needs to be

an hour later. Like I ate breakfast and

then I'm eating lunch again and like I'm

not hungry.

So you were not in the front of the

queue of the guys.

No, no, this was people like quarter 15

minutes before they were queuing.

I I wasn't hungry once, man. I've been

stuffed

and the food was really good, huh?

After the lunch, it's not meditation.

It's rest time. Yes. But you're still on

Noble Silence. Doesn't matter. Are you

meditating in the meditation hall? Are

you eating? Are you just walking on your

rest time? The brain is doing the same

thing. So, it didn't felt any different

except that everybody was trying to find

ways to kill time. Brushing my teeth.

Brushing my teeth. Sometimes I was

brushing my teeth four times a day

because I was bored after every meal.

I, for example, was sitting in the

toilet for no reason and reading the

sign which says, "Don't throw the toilet

paper to the toilet in three languages."

I don't speak Spanish, so I thought

like, "Oh, great. I'm going to learn

watching how people occupy their endless

amounts of time when there's absolutely

nothing to do and on top of that it's

raining just zombies walking around but

they're not zombies they're like fully

aware and like present in the in the

moment

and then throughout all the camp I was

looking for all the signs and trying to

learn all the Spanish lines.

I had this beautiful moment where I came

out of meditation and there was the

sound of sheep in the distance and I

walked there and there was hundreds of

sheep walking peacefully there.

There is no dinner in Vapasa. There is

only a tea break where new students get

two pieces of fruit and a tea. So I had

an banana and an apple. And I remember

eating that apple to very very very last

bit glanced to somebody's plate and he

had a pier and he cut the stem of the

pier in this like rectangular manner and

I'm looking into that. There's so much

food left in your plate and you're going

to throw it away. I like what Vipasa

teaches that truth is not something out

there that you have to find. Truth is

whatever you experience moment to

moment. Truth is what you experience

right now. At the end of every day, we

were listening to a discourse, the

theory of vipasa. The first day is over,

which was kind of nice cuz you get to

relax a little bit before going to sleep

and listen to some philosophies and

theories about what happened during the

day and what you're about to do the next

day. At the beginning when when I I

picture this Goinka guy as a guy with a

theosaurus, you know, just seeing

synonyms for the same words. Work

intelligently, digently, ardently,

diligently,

ardently,

patiently,

but persistently,

continuously.

He's just reading through a synonym

synonym dictionary, man. Everything, you

know. So he got like five words for each

thing he said. He got five words which

means exactly the same. And I mean it

really drives the point.

Yeah. Exactly. Like implant sentence.

You just choose one of these words.

Whatever works. You take one. After the

discourse, it was time for questions

which I decided to skip cuz I was super

tired by that point. I asked my managers

for ear plugs to fight the snoring guy.

And I go back to sleep. And for some

reason, I'm super tired, but my mind is

so active that I cannot fall asleep.

Then the snoring guy comes. The bed was

like really moving and we were all awake

and we're looking at each other. And the

funniest moment was when the French guy

next to us took his his lamp and started

to illuminate the guy snoring like tick

tick tick tick tick trying to wake him

up. Day number two. There is a sound of

the gong bow

and I swear my roommate goes yes boss

another

yes yes

so at that moment I realized that okay

he's just talking through his sleeps

that actually continued through the rest

of the course but it was kind of like

entertainment for me in the mornings

since they said that day two is when the

Most people leave the camp. I started

the day with challenge accepted

attitude.

Second day I was about to leave. Yes.

Like for real. And yeah, but then I was

like my ego actually made me stay. It's

funny, you know, kind of like I have to

stay. And then that also got a bit

dissolved.

And I could see how everybody around me

was struggling a lot on day two.

The first day you're like, oh [ __ ] You

know, I'm doing this again. [ __ ] I

really want to go. And the first two

days, the whole time, I'm thinking, I'm

gonna tell the teacher, I want to get

out of here. I'm sick of this [ __ ] I

can't do this. I wanted to go every

second.

Day two brought physical pain on top of

the mental pain that everybody was going

through. Here, you're forced to be

strong physically, mentally, on every

level to a point where you challenge

yourself on every Yeah. On every level.

And it's it's unexpected when you get

here.

Despite the fact that I'm a rock

climber, I do a lot of other movements.

I was surprised how two days of sitting

without the back rest can hurt and hurt

a lot.

I had some strong pains on my knees.

Everybody has had this pain or that

pain.

Yeah, there was some very doubting

moments like I was in the wrong place

surrounded by people that were more

experienced than I was.

It's my fourth fossa.

Ah, so you're an experienced one.

Yes, I guess.

Was this easier the

It's harder. It's harder because you

have expectations because different

parts of you come out. So this time I

was very rebellious. So I like I wanted

a piece of fruit at 5. Sometimes I took

a piece of fruit. Um I wanted to write.

I wanted to decorate my like my bed with

branches from the forest.

On a flip side, that day I was able to

concentrate on my breathing exercises

way more. Your breathing is directly

linked to what's going on in your body.

For example, when you're angry, you

breathe differently. When you're happy,

you breathe differently. When you're

about to fall asleep, you breathe

differently. And I noticed that really

well. I'm sitting and I'm like, "Oh, so

this breathing is very similar to the

breathing when you're sleeping." And

then next minute I'm already lucid

dreaming. Then I wake up and I'm like,

"Oh, this is interesting. I need to try

it again." So I relax, relax, relax. And

I see how my breathing is changing,

changing, changing to the same sleeping

like breathing. And yeah, here is the

lucid dreaming state again. So my monkey

mind on day two was a little bit more

quiet but still sitting for so many

hours and uh doing the same exercise was

very very very hard and I was bored so

much. I had a clock behind me on this

side and all the guys were sitting here

and all the females were sitting on that

side. So every time I wanted to look

what time is it, I had to kind of glance

through the females into the clock and

back. And they said, "If you move, move

slowly." So, you're kind of slowly

glancing through all the females into

the clock and back. At first, I did this

because I really just cared about the

time, but then once you're like

completely bored, you're sitting and

some subconscious mind goes like, "Oh, I

wonder what time is it?" And you go

like, "Oh, some pretty ladies." Uh-huh.

Five more minutes passed. Oh, more

pretty ladies. Okay. It was really funny

to talk with the girls about everything

about our thoughts about

So what was any funny examples

talking about thinking about sex while

we were meditating

it was true all of us

every morning you hear the same thing

start again

start again

Start again with the calm and quiet

mind. Shut up. I hate this. No, no, no,

no, no. Calm down. This is what you

need. You need to learn how to accept

the situation. So, you kind of calm

down. And then my crash began. My lower

back started hurting like crazy. Every

single minute, the sharp pain on my

lower back was more and more intense. I

cannot sit perfectly straight because my

legs are not flexible enough to be

comfortable and I'm killing my knees. If

I round myself in any way, I'm killing

my lower back and this is going to be a

disaster. I'm going to leave this place

without being able to walk. And I'm

thinking about like brilliant business

ideas like somebody needs to open a

massage center next to this vapassa

center. So right after the vapasa course

you could go to like this beautiful spa

with time massages and recover your

body. Um yeah great business idea if

somebody wants to do I highly recommend.

After the lunch every day you have some

time to go to talk with teacher if you

have questions. So we went to the

teacher and I'm asking him about

exercise why the exercise is bad in

vipasana and he told me that exercise is

not bad but you distract others and

distraction is really bad so I ask if I

find places where I don't distract

anybody uh can I do some exercising and

he said like yeah some uh light yoga is

is okay yeah from that moment every

single free minute I had I was trying to

find myself a space where are no people

and I was doing squats, push-ups,

pull-ups, uh, stretches. I found a rock

and I was massaging my lower back. So, I

was a little bit more optimistic. But

overall, day three was a [ __ ] agony.

I was about to leave so many times, but

I kept repeating to myself that I came

here so far and I cannot leave right now

cuz I still need to learn this vipasan.

Day number four, there is a change in

the schedule. It says vapasa learning.

Finally, we will learn what we came here

for. But at the same time, I knew that

no movement thing is coming. And I'm not

able to sit in meditation position for 1

hour while moving cuz I'm having insane

lower back pains. My knees are hurting

as well. So, how I'm gonna do this for 1

hour or I don't know how long without

movement since the previous day I got a

green light from my teacher about the

exercise. Right after the breakfast when

everybody goes back to sleep, I went to

the forest and I finally got my stiff

body to move. I was feeling uplifted

again. I was feeling great and finally

it was time to learn the vipasana and we

were about to do so-called adhasana. the

strong determination sitting in the

beginning of which they told us sit in

any position which is comfortable for

you and don't move for 2 hours what 2

hours why not 1 hour why do we have to

start from like 2 hours I'm about to

[ __ ] die here and I was panicking a

lot but managed to calm myself down and

I was like okay I got this I got this

hard is easy heart is easy I got this I

got this okay here we go the meditation

hall got so quiet like never before

everybody were sitting like statues.

They started playing the explanation how

to do the passa scan where you go body

part by body part by body part and the

explanations were done in two languages

English and Spanish. So we talk about

the body part in English and then you

have translation into Spanish and I'm

sitting and I'm in pain and I'm thinking

why didn't they split the groups into

two, one for English, one for Spanish

and then it would be only 1 hour instead

of 2 hours. Right? Right. because we are

all in pain here. You you should think

about these people.

About 30 minutes into this meditation

explanation thing, I was completely

done. My brain was complaining about

everything.

Why the [ __ ] they are translating this

to Spanish? Why does he have to explain

every single body part so slowly? I

already know what's going to come. I'm

in pain. They're breaking my body.

They're breaking everybody's bodies. We

won't be able to stand up and walk out

of here. So, I was already packing my

stuff in my head. I was not ready to

sacrifice my body for whatever reasons.

And right after the meditation, I go out

of the meditation hall. Luckily, there

was a guy who went in front of me and he

goes out of the meditation hall. He

smashes the door. He goes out. He raises

his hands to the air

and then he lowers down the hands and

then he walks away. Okay, I'm not the

only one who is suffering here.

Everything is kind of a puzzle that

falls into itself. Like the whole uh

holding the position for this amount of

time is just at first you're like this

is torture. This is too painful. I don't

understand how I can even focus through

this. Still painful of course

but uh it like it really like

disciplines your mind. Later I went to

the manager and I asked so that's it we

are not allowed to move for the rest of

the meditations from now on and he said

no there is only three 1-hour long

aditas which later I started calling

suffer fests where you are not allowed

to move and for the rest of the

meditations you can move so not as bad

as I expected but still I had no clue

how to sit for 1 hour without any

movement in the evening there was One

more suffer fest awaiting for us. It was

only 1 hour this time and I decided to

give it a proper test this time. So I

sit down, close my eyes, find the most

comfortable position I can and tell

myself I'm not going to give up for 1

hour no matter what happens. So I'm

sitting and observing how the pains are

developing throughout entire of my body.

At one point my right leg was completely

numb. Half of my eyes was numb as well.

Then I started feeling sharp pain on my

lower back, sharp pain on my right knee,

and sharp pain on the toes. And I had no

clue how much time passed cuz you're

with closed eyes. You don't know what

time it is. Like 15 minutes, half an

hour. Maybe it's almost an hour and the

end is closed. I could start hearing

that people around me started moving and

giving up. Then my body started sweating

a lot. My heart started beating like

crazy. And any spot on my body that I

was uh directing my attention to, I

could feel how it was pulsing. And then

one cool thing happened. I realized that

I can track the blood flow from the

heart to any spot on my body I want. So

if I imagine the finger and I imagine

the heart, I can feel how the heart

beats and then the blood flows through

my hand to the finger and back. And it's

very fast action. It's like

and then I imagine the head and I can

feel the same. The heart beats and the

blood flows up and down. I even tested

if the blood flows to my numb leg and I

could feel how the blood travels through

the leg and back. And I was confirmed to

myself that okay my leg is getting blood

which is good. I'm probably not losing

my leg right now. But still I was in

such a huge pain and agony and every

minute felt like an hour and I was about

to give up but I kept repeating to

myself don't give up. Don't give up.

Keep pushing. Keep pushing. You can do

this. You can do this. And then finally

it was over.

I opened my eyes. I moved my arms and

they felt so heavy and sluggish. And

then I tried to move my legs and I

couldn't move my legs. I needed my arms

to help my legs to move, to open my

legs. So, it took me about 10 minutes

until I learned how to walk again. And I

was actually one of the last person to

leave the meditation hall after that

meditation. So, what's the point of all

of this? I was thinking, is it just to

train my willpower by observing my

suffering body? And quick math, there

was around 15 more of these suffer fests

waiting ahead in the coming days.

And I was not convinced that I want to

do this. But on the flip side, the

discourse, the theory that evening was

really interesting. In the same way that

the body needs exercise, your mind needs

exercise. This is mental. This is just

like training your mind all the time.

And if you stop doing it, like if you

stop running and then you go for a run,

it's is very painful. Disclaimer, I'm

going to give you my interpretation

about vipasan technique and it's not the

way they teach it and the only way to

learn it properly is by going on one of

these 10day courses and being in that

environment. This is just the way I

understand how the brain works excluding

all the fancy vocabulary that was used

during the courses. We have a conscious

mind and we have a subconscious mind.

The conscious mind is that smart person

in your head which keeps talking all the

time. Even now when I'm talking to you,

he might be repeating my words in your

head and then you might be listening to

him, not me. So think about it. Are you

now listening to yourself talking to

yourself or you're listening to me

talking to you? Yeah, that's the

conscious mind. The awareness lives

there and the subconscious mind is where

your gut feeling actually is where your

intuition is. But I will come to this a

little bit later. Subconscious mind also

takes care of all the vast amount of

input which comes to our body both

outside and inside receptors are sending

signals to the brain constantly and

brain is constantly deciding what to do

with every single of these inputs and

throws away what's not necessary and

reacts to what it thinks it needs to

react to. For example, when you're

sleeping, your conscious mind is

sleeping, but if the mosquito is biting

you, you might start scratching yourself

without even knowing it. Another

example, this one is related to vipasana

teachings. Imagine you see a person.

Your eyes send signal to the brain and

then that signal starts traveling

through the vast amount of neural

networks in your brain and different

parts of the brain. And it goes

something like this. Oh, I see

something. Another part of the brain

goes, oh, that's a person. It keeps

traveling and it goes like, oh, I know

this person. Oh, I don't like this

person. And then next part of the brain

goes like, oh, since I don't like this

person, I need to tell these organs to

release certain hormones. All these

feelings inside you starts arising. Then

another part of the brain reacts to all

these sensations in the body. It's like,

oh, I don't like these sensations. So

your face naturally gets grumpy. You go

stiff and you're not even aware of these

things at this stage. Subconscious mind

is like a advisor for your conscious

mind. You constantly get this like

random ideas from somewhere and

depending on what state your body is in

you get different ideas. So if you are

in state of you will be thinking oh I

don't like this person and then you

might say or do things that are not

nice. Okay, another story. You see a

person that you never saw before in your

life. And then the same story goes. Oh,

I see something. I see a person. I don't

know this person, but this person is

similar to the person that I know

because his voice is similar or because

his appearance is similar or because he

believes in this religion which the

other guy believes in as well. It can be

anything and then another part of your

brain goes like ah if they are similar

so I don't like this one as well and you

get certain hormones released certain

feelings inside your body arises and you

start going like this as well on a

person that you don't know you never met

before. So your conscious thinking is

actually very very heavily influenced

what's going on under the hood and your

conscious actions are also training

subconscious. So it's like a loop and

this where Buddha comes. He discovered

that we react not to the outside objects

but to our own internal feelings. So you

don't crave for an object, you crave for

the sensation inside you.

Or you don't hate an object, you hate

the sensation which is inside you. And

then he discovered that we can break all

of this programming loop by not reacting

to our own sensations. For example, if

there is a pleasant sensation and you

just observe it and don't react to it,

you will stop all the cravings and

addictions which come out of this

sensation. If there is a negative

sensation and you just observe it and

don't react, you will stop all the

negativity which follows that sensation.

So how many vas have you done?

I've done two courses as a student and I

served one course. It wasn't easy to

keep my practice. So I haven't been the

best student I suppose but a lot of up

and down a lot of changes but there's

some points where I've been traveling by

myself and in those difficult moments it

can just keep you from even if you go

down maybe you don't go so down.

So you actually felt the difference?

Definitely definitely the difference I

would say. So if you continue training

like this, you will be training a

control of yourself and once a bad

situation arises in your life, you won't

go for days being angry about it.

Instead, you will recognize the

sensation inside you and then you won't

react to that sensation and the life

just moves on. And the same thing with

pleasant sensations. You can get rid of

your cravings. You can get rid of your

addictions using this technique.

In theory, I was already doing a lot of

uh kind of spiritualish

liberation practices before which I all

discovered through mostly yoga postures

but then it went through uh back to yoga

devotion through shamanic stuff, Native

American uh red path short. I arrived in

a vipasa and I thought wow in this I

find all that was in every single thing.

Day five as always started with morning

meditation and Guanka's

but this time few minutes into

he started singing

and it actually sounded really really

good this time and it was almost on beat

and I was sitting and I was like this

and I opened my eyes to see if anybody

is kind of uh swinging to the beat but

everybody of course is statues and

nobody's moving. I realized that he's

not the worst singer on the planet earth

and all the previous days what he was

doing was on purpose. I don't know what

purpose but it was on purpose. And then

I was hoping that the following next

mornings will uh be this high energy

chanting again but it wasn't. So if you

are going to do vapa, I highly recommend

not to skip the day five morning group

meditation. It's uh really entertaining.

I even started thinking that this might

be related to the day five where they

said that most of the people leave the

camp on day five. So they're kind of

giving us entertainment a little bit.

And then I went to the breakfast and it

was extra good that day or it was just a

coincidence. And then I glanced into the

board with additional information and it

said that Aditasa the suffer fest for 1

hour is actually not supposed to be a

suffer fest. You're not supposed to

torture yourself. Instead they said if

you cannot sit you have to move and then

if you cannot sit again you move again

and see how many times per hour you need

to change your posture and then see if

next time you can change the posture

less times. Why they always deliver

critical information postfactum? I

already suffered so much and now they

are saying that that's not a point of

the persona.

I don't know. They they let you discover

things by yourself and then sort of in

the evening they give you the answers

you've been wondering about and you go,

"Oh, you motherfucker."

Yeah. It's like every every day every

day you have a moment where you're

doubting a lot and you're saying, "Okay,

this is against my my ethics, against my

morals, against my my philosophy on

life. I don't understand the technique.

I don't understand like the the negat

negativity and the pessimism and stuff

and the next day they like bounce back

on on on beautiful philosophies and

beautiful values loaded with all the

information from previous afternoon's

discourse. I was actually intrigued to

experiment if it's possible to observe

your feelings and not react to them. So,

statue mode on and I'm sitting about 30

minutes into it, the pains start to

arise and then I'm trying to do what

they said, look into the pain and be

like a doctor and inspect the pain very

closely. What sensations are around the

pain? Where is the center of the pain? I

was uh even trying to understand why the

pain happens in the first place. What

muscle is pulling onto my knee? What

what muscle is pulling onto my ass? why

my leg is getting numb. I was like

trying to be very very very precise with

myself but the pain is still the pain.

It hurts. While scanning my body up and

down, up and down, I noticed that my

face is very very tense. It's like

and that's the reaction to the pain

inside. So I thought maybe I can reverse

this. If I try to relax my face,

theoretically the reaction to those

feelings should be lesser. It seem as if

you try to smile even though you're

feeling bad, you might start feeling

better inside you. So I was trying to

relax my face more and more and more and

more and then I felt how all my body

started to kind of like melt and relax.

I looked back into the painful spots and

I noticed that the pain is disappearing.

So I started traveling from one painful

spot to another painful spot and all the

time trying to relax, relax, just

observe the pain, observe the pain and

every pain I was looking into was

disappearing. That clearly showed that

the difference between physical pain and

mental pain is huge. And it's not the

first time I got introduced to this

concept. I've done Vimhof method before

where you do breathing exercises and you

jump into the frozen water

and at first your reaction is like oh

[ __ ] this is cold

[Applause]

and then you relax yourself and you

notice that it's cold but it's not panic

mode on cold where you need to get out

of it and you can observe the coldness.

So here was the same. If I look into the

pain and I start panicking and reacting

to the pain, it just gets amplified. But

if I was looking into the pain and I was

trying to relax myself, the pain was

getting lesser and lesser and lesser.

So, I reached such a relaxed state that

I've probably never been so relaxed in

my life and entered some kind of transic

mode where I could see my body in front

of me being in pain and I was okay with

that. I was like, "Okay, my body is

here. It hurts. Well, that's okay."

which I'm not sure if it's smart to do

cuz after the vipasana I met people who

told me stories how some people manage

to do long-term damage to their bodies

during the vipasana courses so if you do

it do it very very very carefully but

back to the story I'm sitting into this

crazy relaxed transic state and

observing every single pain and seeing

how it disappears then I'm scanning my

body from head to feet from feet to head

and any other spot I look into it feels

like vibrating. It's like the feeling of

goosebumps or chills mixed with light

electricity. So it's like tingling

vibrating sensations everywhere on the

body. So you're scanning your body and

you're feeling this tingling sensation

everywhere. And then the cool thing

happens once you hear the Guanka

chanting at the end of the meditation.

Suddenly all the unpleasant sensations

and all all your thoughts about giving

up just disappears cuz you know that

it's only 5 minutes left and you

suddenly go like from

I cannot do this anymore to finally

although you didn't move you didn't

change anything but just knowing that

it's only 5 minutes suddenly makes the

situation way way way better. Wow this

is so so mental. All the feelings are so

mental cuz if I know that it's only 5

minutes left, doesn't matter that I was

sitting for 1 hour already, it

immediately releases some tensions and

it immediately feels better. On day six,

I already knew that I'm going to finish

the course and I was so happy and proud

of myself that I'm still here and I

haven't quit because the rest of the

days were full of brain orgasms and

brain hacks. One very cold and rainy

morning I was coming back from the

forest after doing my morning exercise

routines and I was constantly thinking

what I want to do what I want to do

after the vipasana and then suddenly I

noticed the feeling arising inside me.

So I looked into the feeling it and it

was fear. I was being afraid of

something. So I stopped and then I got

an idea and that idea was in the form of

question Ben where are you running all

the time

and the fear just got amplified

and then the next thought in my mind was

Ben you're constantly running to your

death

and I remember I I was having goosebumps

all over my body even now when I'm

telling you the story I'm having the

same feeling the goose goosebumps all

over my body. Ben, you're running to

your death constantly being in the

future. In your head, you're just being

closer and closer and closer and closer

to your death. And it was such a strong

feeling. Before that, of course, I was

sometimes having these intellectual

ideas that yes, we should live in the

present and be in the moment. We're

going to die one day. Yeah. Yeah. Blah

blah blah. But that experience was

linked with the super strong inside

feeling and probably I'm not gonna

forget that anytime soon. I've seen

three past lives this time. I saw two

past lives last time. I know people are

going to see this if they see this and

see me speaking now and they're going to

think, you know, what the [ __ ] is he

talking about? You know, this guy's just

a hippie with a long hair and and a

goatee, you know. But um but dude,

yeah, I don't know if you've experienced

that, but I went far back, man. I saw

some deep [ __ ] that I was into. And I I

saw myself as a pedophile. I saw myself

raping. I've seen myself burning women

on a steak. [ __ ]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some sort of saint

inquisition soldier of of God. I was

also surprised that in only 6 days all

my senses became way more subtle and I

could feel stuff that I never felt

before. During that day, everybody

started getting sick around me cuz it

was very cold. So people were sneezing

and coughing. I remember myself sitting

in the meditation hall and after doing

couple of scans I noticed that my hands

are way warmer than usual and I haven't

felt this during all day just now being

very very observant I could feel them

being warmer and then I noticed that

half of my face is warmer than the other

half and throughout the hour of the

meditation I could feel how the area

which is warmer is changing during the

meditation. So that was like an

indication that my body is probably also

fighting some sort of germs. Or another

thing while observing the breathing I

noticed how the corners of the nose are

moving with every single breath and the

cheeks as well. And this part of the

head also expands and contracts, expands

and contracts. And then there is

something inside the head which is like

a balloon like little balloon which also

expands and contracts with every single

breath. And it's very interesting to

observe these feelings because I've

never felt them before in my life. So

it's like a discovery being so serious

here all day quiet looking at the floor.

You can't really stare at anyone. You

can't talk to anyone. Can't do anything.

So you just want to go and see your

friends and have a laugh because you're

so desperate and you start laughing at

any little thing is funny. You know the

last two days everyone's giggling. You

can see the little giggles and you just

start bursting out cuz you're so

desperate.

Yeah. One of the last days I found half

empty bag of nuts in the trash can

together with chocolate bars. So it was

very nice to know that somebody else is

also having strong experiences and maybe

healing from his own addictions. And

finally the day 10 very special day

because after the noon meditation we

were allowed to speak again. And once we

went out of the meditation hall, the

quiet vipasana camp became like a

supermarket. It was just

everywhere. People were hugging and

congratulating each other like we just

survived some ship crash or something

like that. Although according to the

rules, we were not allowed to touch each

other, which was a bit weird. And I

still did some hugs for my fellow

survivors. And what I noticed that most

of the people wanted to speak. Nobody

wanted to listen. Everybody were like d

and the other person is just waiting

waiting waiting and then goes back.

Nobody wanted to listen. Nobody

everybody were like just speaking

speaking speaking speaking speaking

unleashing the need of speech. And only

on day 11 you will get your phone back

and back to normal life.

Normal life is great, huh?

You can hit the hung now quietly.

No, no, no, no.

You're going to remember the sound in

your sleep, huh?

So, that was the end of this crazy vipa

experience with crazy rules that

sometimes I didn't understood. For

example, once I was punished for

pointing my feet like this towards the

teacher which was not even in the room

or some philosophies of the vipasa goes

really far philosophical portion of

vipasana is one thing and let's put that

one aside and then you have the

technique and that one's super robust

right like seems to be a two-part thing

depending on your beliefs when listening

to why the reincarnation happens. You

might be wondering if you are in the

right place or not. And to play a little

bit more of Devil's Advocate, I didn't

really liked the teacher,

uh, not the Guanka, but the assistant

teacher, the guy who you go and ask

questions if you have any, cuz all his

answers were always the same. Be

aquinomous with that. Don't play with

that. and he didn't really seem to care

of what I'm saying to him. I was trying

to explain him my issue, but all he was

doing was just waiting until I have a

pause in my speech so he can start

talking. And once he starts talking,

there was no way for me to interrupt him

and tell him that no, no, no, that's not

what I wanted to ask. And then there is

a sound of the bell and then you have to

leave the room cuz the time is very

limited to talk to him. Also during the

meditations I was watching him and like

seeing if he looks like a happy person

and he never smiled. He didn't seem to

be too happy to me at least in that

environment. Maybe he's happy in his

life but well but on the upside all this

vipasa experience probably was the best

thing I've done this year. I got to know

about myself so much. So many of my

deeply programmed behavioral patterns

just became straight in my face, obvious

and not always nice. But you grow as a

human being like there's more humanity.

You feel it more in your bones. You

become more compassionate and humble.

And

it's not very humble to say that you

become more humble, but it's like ego.

Also, the ability to sit for 1 hour in

discomfort is huge. When we started the

vipasana camp five minutes and your mind

wanted to run away. Now the mind is so

much more centered and focused that you

can sit and be okay in the situation

where you are and be focused more on

what you want to be focused. I used to

smoke. What kind of [ __ ] me

intellectually was smoking weed. Not

that it's I don't know if it broke my

brain but it made me like get out of

trying to do things that made me think.

And then for example when I was doing

software engineering even so there was a

lot of thinking it was kind of a habit

thinking you know okay this is a problem

I solve this problem I solve this

problem. Vipasana helps me focus on what

I want to focus. So not only on the

problem that I know but to focus on

any new thing. It's not always the

pleasant thing that you need to focus

your mind. Sometimes you need to focus

on something else.

So what was the best part then out of

this experience?

Yeah, learning to fight myself less.

I would say I think I have a tendency to

do this sometimes and I have plans and

can tend to self-sabotage, but just

gaining a bit more trust in myself that

I'm just going to make a decision and

stick to it and feel good about it. and

all the body sensations, the increased

sensitivity to little details.

That's just wow. It's like if you are

blind and you get some apparatus in you

to finally see the world for the first

time in your life and you start crying

in joy. So this is how it feels

sometimes. Wow. I never felt these

feelings inside me before, but they

always existed. only now I'm focused

enough to be able to feel them. A

byproduct of vipasana will be more

sensitivity

and more enjoyment of all that is and

that's probably a very tricky part of it

is if you're not equinimous that word

again the more details can be very

difficult cuz if you just see with more

details something that you keep on

thinking unpleasant you feel even worse

what was already unpleasant. And another

huge huge thing that I took from vapasa

is ability to disassociate

yourself from your feelings especially

the pain. And I already used it in so

many situations. For example, after

climbing, I'm doing some stretching. And

you just go like, okay, that's the pain.

Don't react to it. And you can go into a

stretch so much deeper. so much easier.

Or I used to hate the sound of the

marker on the cardboard like

this sound. So what I tried I asked my

friend to just do this on purpose and I

was sitting and observing the feeling

inside me and trying not to react to it

not to react to it and instead of the

need to run away from the room I finally

felt that wow that's kind of okay now I

can tolerate this sound. Are you happier

now since you discovered the FASA?

Oh yeah, definitely. My happiness is

much more stable and long-term. Less

things on my daily life triggering me,

less long thought of unpleasant things,

less craving for something that I don't

have and therefore

yeah.

Yeah, more happy.

Wa, that was a long video

and probably if you never done vipasa

before, you might be thinking about

doing one right now. So, here are a

couple of my tips. First of all, don't

do it for a challenge.

Don't try vipasa just because you saw a

cool YouTube video. Make sure you really

want to do it. Do it once you're ready

to grow yourself cuz you will face your

demons and it's going to be painful.

Have strong determination before you do

it and don't go in with too much

expectation. And once you go there,

don't give yourself an option to leave.

Share a ride with somebody so you don't

have your own car and it's hard for you

logistically to leave the camp. That

way, once the [ __ ] breaks loose and you

want to run away, you just don't have

how. It's way, way, way easier. Trust

me. So, thank you for watching this long

long video and Anicha.

Anicha.

And how many times did you hear Anicha

in these days?

Anicha.

I don't know. I got to meet that that

girl. Sounds Russian, right? Anicha.

Anicha. Yeah.

She's great. She's good lad.

Yeah. She's everywhere though, I think.