Original subtitles

Scissors.

-Suture. -Probe.

Remember, if you hit oil,we go halvsies.

Just my luck.I struck bullet.

Well,get the lead out.

-I'll take that, Captain.-Huh?

This guy wanted it for a souvenir.

I'm trying to save his life,and he's saving shrapnel?

Why do these guys want topick up every hunk of junkthey trip over?

Collecting junk is America's favorite pastime.

Well, what's wrong with that?It's fun and it's profitable.

Sure. My last patienthad six dollars' worth

of North Korean metalin his butt.

Great place to hide it.

You know that Korean kidPierce is working on?

He was collecting brassin the minefields.

Probably making more moneyon this war than I am.

It's too bad there's sucha good market for it.

Oh, that's right. Knock free enterprise.

Why do these people want to take home

mementos from this lousy war?

So they remember whatthey're trying to forget.

I've got souvenirsfrom every place I've been.

Have you tried flea powder?

My nephew's a sucker for souvenirs.

He takes trips so he can cover his car windows with decals.

Now the nitwit can't see where he's going

'cause his windows are allcovered with where he's been.

Frank.

Margaret, how niceof you to join me.

Is there anythingI can do for you?

Yes, stop salivating and listen.

-It's oatmeal. -I want my ring back.

-What ring? -What ring?

The ruby ring I gave youon our first anniversary.

You've been out inthe sun too long, lady.

You never gave me a ring,ruby or any other kind.

-Frank! -You never did!

Although if you had,you certainly haveyour big fat nerve

crawling back for it now.

I'm not crawling, Frank.

That happens to be a precious family heirloom,

and now that you and I are no longer close,

I wish to give it to Donald.

-Indian giver.-Then you admit you have it.

I do not. I'm justpointing out that, uh,

had you given it to me,as you seem to think you did,

and you didn't,you'd be an Indian giver.

You once compared the ruby to my lips.

Well, that soundslike me, okay.

Must have beensomebody else.

There is nobody else like you, Frank.

-Margaret, I-- -Watch it!

My heart belongs to another.

Let him have your heart.I'll take what's left.

-I love you. -Frank, if you ever cared for me,

you'll return the ring.

I don't have it, Margaret.I only wish I did.

We military men likekeeping little mementos

of our battlefieldconquests.

Then hold on to this.

Here's a pairof earrings, Klinger.

I had 'em designedjust for you. Huh?

They're made out of.45-caliber shells.

Anything over .30 caliber is gauche.

Taste. You havetaste. Gotta tell you.

All right, here's somethingI know you're gonna like.

Not many men can wear this.

You ready?

The safety pins froma hundred hand grenades.

Don't you have anything happy?

Whatever happened to rhinestones?

Klinger, this is a war.Nobody throws rhinestones.

Mr. Stratton.

Hey, Chang.

Got some good junk.You're gonna like it.

Oh, yeah? Let's see.

Ah, that's junko.

No, there's nothing I, uh--

There's nothing I need.

First-class junk.Look at brass.

No, no, you see, it's-it's a miss, kid.

It's no good.

All right, I'll give you a buck for it.

Here.

Five bucks.Please?

No. Two.

Now beat it.

He beats me every time.

Yeah, I can see that.

Okay, what about the earrings?

Nah, I gotta give my lobes a rest.

All right, now this is you.This is you.

An aluminum watchband.

The materialcame off a MiG.

Some other war.

Ah, boy.

Hey, Hawkeye.

How'd you like an aluminumbracelet for your wrist?

How'd you like a knuckle sandwich for your mouth?

Oh, come on, guys.A guy's gotta live.

Should we put it to a vote?

Hey, what's eating you guys?

What's eating us is you.

Because you insist ondealing in that stuff,

I wound up working on one

of your eight-year-oldgarbage collectors.

Hey, I don't force thosekids to bring me this junk.

They're go-getters.They do it on their own.

What choice do they have?

They could go into law school

or go into advertising.

Even better, they couldstarve to death.

Aw, come off it.

All I do is peddlea few harmless souvenirs.

I mean, what I dois good for the economy.

I create jobs!

For the undertaker.

Boy, you guys reallythink you're hot stuff

because you're M.D.s andI'm just a chopper pilot.

Make that Pontius Pilate.

Put it to music, Pierce.

Hey, soldier! Hold up!

Have I gota deal for you.

Souvenir hunting has beena problem in every war.

Hannibal's men booby-trapped

their elephants' trunks.

They blew up every timethey went swimming.

Isn't there anythingthat can be done about this?

-Like what? -Oh, I don't know.

Like if you catch anybodyselling this stuff,

you park a tank on his chest.

I hope we cancome up with somethinga little less severe.

-How about a jeep? -Ah, you see?

I'm guilty of buying someof these trinkets myself.

Well, we all have to stop some time.

So what do you want me to do?

Do what you do best.

Scream at the troopsa little.

-Holler on 'em. -That's easy.

And if that doesn't work--

-Park a tank on 'em. -Or a jeep.

We are in the midst of an epidemic.

It's not the plague, not the chicken pox,

not the creeping crud.

It's the buying, selling,

and collecting of war souvenirs.

And it's getting people killed.

The enemy leave their booby-trapped pistols,

bayonets, and helmets all over the place

'cause they know some slap-happy G.I.

will try to pick up that cockarocka,

and before he knows it,his nickname is "Lefty."

On top of that,

Korean kids scavenge inthe minefields for brass

to make ashtrays for usto stick our butts in.

So stop making a marketfor a bunch of trash

you don't need anyway.

If you want a souvenir,

take yourself home in one piece.

Remember, somebody at home loves you.

Don't ask me why.

Any questions?

Yo! Does this mean you're prohibiting

buying and selling of souvenirs?

I don't have that authority.

This is just friendly advice from the C.O.

to the people who serve under him,

if you get my drift.

Any other questions?

Dismissed.

-Good try, Colonel.-Yeah, you convinced me.

Oh, that's the trouble with speeches. You wind up

convincing your friendsand boring your enemies.

-KLINGER: Colonel? -What?

-Oh, Colonel!-Where'd that come from?

Up here, sir.

Heard your speech, Colonel,and I loved it.

Thank you.

Now what are you doingsitting on top of that pole?

I'm pole-sitting, sir. It's Section 8 time.

Klinger, you're the tops.

What light throughyonder window breaks?

It is the east,and Klinger is the nuts.

Come down, Klinger,before you hurt yourself.

No, sir. I came up a soldier.I'll come down a civilian.

One gust of wind,you'll come down a pancake.

I love 'em with maple syrup.

Klinger, don't be a sap.

I'm not a sap. I'm crazy.

Who in his right mind would climb a platform

over a basketball hoopin the middle of the night?

Shimmy down, Klinger.

This is where I make my stand.

He's making it sitting down.

I thought you were afraidof high places, Klinger.

I'm desperate. Send me back to Toledo.

He actually wants to go back to Toledo?

That is desperate.

You keep sayingcrazy stuff like that,

Klinger,you're halfway home.

Does anybody want my opinion?

-No. -I don't think so.

I'd chop the pole down. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

That would open upthe game to little guys.

Ah, what a trio of schmoes.

Make that a duo.

-Adios. -Just don't walk away.

Can't you see I'm crazy?

Klinger, if I got rid of allthe crazies in this camp,

I'd be the loneliestman in Korea.

I'm not coming down, sir.

In that case, I have justone piece of advice for you.

When you're walking guard duty tonight,

take very tiny steps.

-Hmm. -Hmm?

My daughter is sayingcomplete sentences.

How old is she?

Two.

See, Frank? Don't give up.

Someday you'll be sayingcomplete sentences.

Oh, hardy-har-har.

Keep trying, Frank.

Nobody said it wasgonna be easy.

-Entrez.

Pardon me, sirs.

I'm looking for Major Frank Burns.

Oh, I'm Major Burns. What is it?

Do you know a Corporal Thomas Hinton?

No, I don't think so. Why?

He was dealing in Koreanantiques on the black market.

When we caught up with him last week,

he gave us a rundown of his customers.

Your name was on that list.

He says you purchased a bowl from him.

And it turned out to be an800-year-old celadon vase

of the Koyou Dynasty.

It must have been somebody using my name.

And your face.

Well, how couldsomebody use my face?

How about for a doormat?

An 800-year-old vase.

Do you know how muchit went for, Sergeant?

$27.75.

What was it worth?

It's priceless.

Really?

Boy, isn't that interesting.

The Koreans are anxious thattheir national art treasures

-remain in the country.-Ah.

The U.S. Armysupports that position.

Well, I'm sure if MajorBurns suddenly remembers

buying that vase, he'llbe the first to deny it.

Of course.

I hope you catch that ugly creep

that's been using my face.

Yes, sir. So do I.

Thank you, sir.

Call again.

Wow, a priceless vasebought for $28.

What a shrewd buy that was.

Well, don't look at me.

Let me have anotherdrink, please.

Oh, you--Forget the fruit.

What's the matter, Margaret?

You trying to drown your sorrows?

No, just taking them outfor a little swim.

What's the trouble?

I'm sore at a friendwho's no friend.

Makes sense to me.

Do I look like an Indian giver?

No, I don't think you'dgive anything away.

You're damn right.

Hey, doctors.You'd better grab it.

Only got 200 left.

It's pure brass.

And so are you.

Well, if it isn'tJiminy Cricket.

The consciencethat never takes a vacation.

Stratton, what areyou still doing here?

Didn't Colonel Pottertell you to shove off?

No, he didn't tell meto shove off.

He just bored mewith a lot of bad advice.

You know something,Stratton?

And don't takeit personally.

I think you stink.

What's the matter with you?

I'm just trying toconduct a little free,honest enterprise.

I mean, isn't that whatwe're fighting about?

You know, Stratton,

you call yourself a businessman,

but you got a very limited inventory.

I mean, you could make a fortune,

if you'd just expand a little.

What do you mean?

Well, all these ashtrays,pistols, and bowls are fine.

But the real demand isfor arms, legs, and feet.

I got some customers for youright here in post-op.

Yeah, you created a demand.

Why don't you just, uh, start supplying it?

Not funny, Pierce.Real bad taste.

What are you wasting your timetalking to this creep?

If my fiancé Donald Penobscott--

Lieutenant Colonel.

Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott--

-Of West Point. -That's him.

If he were here, which he isn't,

you know what he'd do?

Buy an ashtray?

Negative.

He'd take this bum by the neck,

-and he'd deck him! -Ow!

It's a good thingDonald isn't here.

Yeah, Stratton could get hurt.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Father Mulcahy?

Yes?

Gesundheit.

Oh, oh, Klinger.

Oh, I'm glad it's you.

Who were you expecting,Shipwreck Kelly?

What are you doing up there, Klinger?

I'm catching cold.

Well, can't youdo that down here?

Hello, Father.

Hello, Colonel.

Did you know Klinger wasup the basketball pole?

Yeah, he's a human foul shot.

You ready to land,Mr. Lindbergh?

Are you ready to send me back home to Toledo?

No can do, Klinger.

No can land, Colonel.

-Bless you. -Thank you.

-He's catching a cold. -Sounds like it.

He's just being stubborn.

I'm not stubborn. I'm crazy.

Give me a Section 8!

You're not even half crazy, Klinger.

So make it a Section 4.

Send me as far as San Francisco.

From there, I'll hitch.

I'll settle for a Section 2.

Send me to Honolulu. From there, I'll swim.

-Bless you. -Gesundheit.

What are you gonna dowith this slug, Cooper?

It's gonna be my good luck piece.

Funny kind of good luckpiece, isn't it?

Could've killed you.

Could have, but it didn't.

That's why it's lucky.

Okay.

I'm going for some coffee.

I'll bring the antidote.

Are you his mother?

Yes.

How's he feel?

He has pain.

Yeah, tell him I know.

I'm sorry I can't make it all go away.

He's been hunting for brassshells for a long time?

For two years.

To help supportour family.

And when he feels better,

he's gonna go back into the minefields?

He will go back.

War is such a noble adventure.

Okay. Okay, pal.

You're gonna be okay.

Ah-choo!

You weird freak!

"Dear Louise, guard thisobject with your life.

"It's a pricelessKorean antique.

"Yours truly, your husband,Frank Burns."

What a sexy note.

Don Juan he ain't.

All right, you got it?

Right here.

Give my regards to Fort Wayne.

What do we do with this?

Potter will see it getsback where it belongs.

Imagine, 800 years?

You know how old that is?

As I recall,

it was the last timeI had clean shorts.

Can I have yourelbow, please?

Uh-huh.

Got ya, you little thief!

Uncle! Uncle! I give up!

Margaret, you?

Guess what I found in your footlocker, Frank!

Oh, pussycat, I justwanted a little reminder

of what we oncemeant to each other.

Go suck an egg!

Couldn't we wrestle some more?

-What?-I didn't know it was you.

It was no fun at all.

Once again,but not so rough. Ow!

Let that be a little reminder

of what we once meant to each other, creep!

Margaret. Margaret.

How about twoout of three falls?

-Morning, Major. -Good morning, sir.

-May I join you? -Certainly.

I'd like the two of us to have a little chat, okay?

Fine.What's on your mind?

Well, I know temper is a difficult thing to harness,

particularly if you've been drinking,

and if your ethnic background

has a tradition of settling things physically.

-What are you getting at?-Well, Major Houlihan,

you gotta stop getting bombed

and beating up our officers.

-Who said that? -Easy.

I'm sure they deserved it.

What I'm trying to say is

it's always better to talk things out

-than punch them out.-Let me explain what happened.

-I don't want to hear the details. -I'm talking!

Go right ahead.

In both cases, I wasunjustifiably provoked.

I was responding

to unseeminglyunmilitary behavior,

and if it happens again,I'd do the same thing.

I see what you mean.

I'm glad we had this little talk.

So am I.

Have a good day, Colonel.

Uh, good day, Major.

An egg's an amazing thing.

There's nothing as hard and yet as delicate.

Except my arteries.

The egg is so versatile.

You can do almost anything to it.

You can boil it. You can fry it.

You can scramble it. You can put a hat on it.

Put a lid on it.I'm tryin' to read.

Some privatefrom the 8063rd

just set a newpole-sitting record.

On news like that, we can take the day off.

Ninety-four hoursand 18 minutes.

What tomfoolery.

Leave it to Drake to promotethat sort of nonsense.

-Who's Drake? -C.O. of the 8063rd.

I can seehis fine hand in this.

Little bits of tawdry gloryare all that matter to him.

I still remember the dayhe swallowed 23 goldfish

to break the old recordat Camp Grant.

To see himstrutting around,

you'd have thought he'd lickedthe Kaiser single-handed.

What was the old record?

22.

I was sick as a dogfor a week.

Klinger!

Colonel.

I give up. You win.

-I'm coming down! -Hold it!

How long's it been so far?

About two days.

In hours. How long in hours?

About 48.

Great, Klinger.

You're more than halfway there.

How's that, sir?

You've got just 46 hoursand 19 minutes to go

to break the MASH pole-sitting record.

Forty-six hours and 19 minutes?

You mean you want me to stay up here, sir?

You can do it on one wing, Lindy.

But, Colonel, it's cold as a witch's elbow.

I'll give you your choice.

You can stay up there,

or come down here and swallow 24 goldfish.

Did you say 24 goldfish, sir?

The first 18 are easy.

Would you send up my flannel nightie

and my genuine imitation fox stole?

Is he gonna be okay?

What are you doing here, Stratton?

Hey, white flag, okay?

I got something for the family.

It's a gift.

Fifty bucks.

-No, no, take it. -Thank you.

Yeah, this little guy isone of my best suppliers.

And I figure, a guy in business

shouldn't forget something like that.

Oh, and, Chang,

you hurry up and get out of here,

and I'll take you upin my whirlybird.

You know...

If I were you,I wouldn't fly with him.

You know?

Got something for ya.

Here.

Oh, great.Perfect gift for a child.

Well, that's how good this is.

It looks like a real Chinese pistol, huh?

-Clever.

Very. Can you get me a cigarette lighter that fires bullets?

I got a brother-in-law in Chicago

who can get as many of these as I need.

What does a kid need with a cigarette lighter?

Well, when he quits smoking,he can always sell it.

Stratton, uh, come on outside.

-Yeah, we wanna talk to you.-What about?

-Your future. -Wait. Hold it.

If you guys are gonna get rough,

I can get you in a lot of trouble.

Come on, let's go.

All right, is thisgonna be a fair fight,

or are you guys gonnado two against one?

We're not gonna hit you, Stratton.

We just want you to disappear.

You can't make me leave.I got a right to be here.

You got a hell of a nerve.You think

because you slipped the kid'sfamily a couple of bucks,

that gets you off the hook?

You people justdon't appreciate me.

You know, the other guy thathad this route was heartless.

I mean, one ofhis kids got hurt,

he'd just send 'em flowers.

Oh, I'm gladto hear the business

was taken overby a humanitarian.

Hey, why don't youguys face facts?

There's nothing you saycan change me

and nothing you docan stop me.

Stratton, you're a sick man.

That's one man's opinion.

Make that two.

You know, I'm worried about this man, doctor.

He looks anemic.

Look at the colorof his skin.

-Pallid. -Very white.

What are you talkin' about?There's nothing wrong with me.

-Low blood count.-He could pass out up there.

Hey, cut it out.

This is serious. I can't letthis man fly.

I agree, doctor.

Not fly?Hey-hey, wait a minute.

Wait-wait-wait, hold it.Hold it.

-You can't do that. -Actually, we can.

Yeah, we'll have to give him a blood test.

I have a feeling he'll flunk.

I think you're right.

Hey, hold it, hold it, hold it!

I got an announcement to make.

I just went out of the business.

I think he's getting better.

Okay, but I keep flying, right?

Right.

Oh, boy,you guys are crazy.

I mean, you're reallykidding yourselves.

Fine, you got me.Good. Great.

But there's a thousand otherguys hustlin' out there.

What are you gonna do,change the world?

No, just our little corner of it.

So long, Stratton.

Take a walk.

You know I solda thousand of these?

It's my last pair.

At least I got a souvenir.

Klinger, wake up!You broke the record!

-Huh? -You did it!

Yeah?

I got the record?

And a three-day pass in Tokyo,

whenever you'reready to shove off.

I'm ready.

I got the record. Ha ha ha!

I got the record.

I got the record.

Thank you, Colonel.

Don't thank me.You've earned the pass.

I meant for making me stay up there.

-I set a record. -That's right!

Yeah, but someday, some kidwill come along and break it.

In an imitation fox stoleand army shoes?

Not a chance.

Hey, that's right!I set a record.

-Who is it?

-MARGARET: It's me! -Margaret?

Come in. What did I do?I mean, what can I do for you?

You owe me $15.

-What for? -For this.

Oh, you got your ring back.Now stop picking on me!

-Here, look. -It's beautiful.

Look inside. Read the inscription.

I can't make it out.I don't have my glasses.

You don't wear glasses, Frank.

Maybe I can borrow some?

I'll read it to you.

"To Louise. Love, Frank B."

-I can explain that. -So can I.

You were gonna give my ring to your wife?

It only looks that way.

The engraver madea mistake. It's a typo.

I want it removed.

You can give me $15 or 15 teeth.

Will you take a check?