Original subtitles

♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've seen ♪

-I know. -♪ Somebody knows ♪

♪ The trouble I've seen

This thing has knocked outmore guys than Joe Louis.

The winnerand still champeen.

Captain, may I be excused from this detail?

My nylons are baggin' all around the knees.

-Get bigger knees. -Corporal,

you're gonna have to do a better job than this.

I want this floor clean enough to eat off of.

That's easy. It's already cleaner

than the tables in the mess.

Keep scrubbing!

Ah, what a festive moodpeople get in

-at the G.I. party. -Oh, shut up.

Now, Major Houlihan,I hope you and your nursesare doing a good job.

We can hold up our end. Why don't you go and hold up yours?

Very well. When you finishchecking that machine, check it again.

Frank, how long areyou gonna be here?

-Ten minutes.-Wake me when he's gone.

Those tanks aren't even connected!

I told you this wasa tankless job.

Oh, you crazy guy!

Frank, go make yourself useful.

I'm a supervisor.I don't have to be useful.

Well, you're doing a great job.

Oh, go stuff a goose.

Put a little elbow greaseinto that, Corporal!

I'm all outta elbow grease.

-Don't talk back to me!-Yes, sir!

You did that on purpose,you Lebanese lout!

Hold it. What's goin' onhere, Burns?

I saw the whole thing.

Frank tried to eat Klinger's mop.

Burns, I put you incharge of this detail.

He's doin' a great job,Colonel.

He's already washedhis face and his shirt.

-At the same time.-Why is it taking so long?

Well, nobody's following orders,

and they're all grumpy.

Not true.I'm Grumpy.

-He's Sneezy. -He's Bashful.

-She's Dopey. -Go watch your mouth.

Okay, just get it done.Let's all try to get along.

♪ Get along little dogie

I had a long little doggie once.

-It was a dachshund. -Oh, a little hot dog.

-What happened to him? -He got mustard out.

I relishthese conversations.

Oh, will you knock off the silliness?

Oh, knock yourself off, goofball.

I was invitedto the Goof Ball,

but I didn't havea thing to wear.

Oh, Colonel,they're making me sick.

POTTER: Me too.

Please, I just mopped the floor!

And look at it! It's filthy!

That's right.Criticize my work.

I mop my heart out, and that'sall the thanks I get?

Don't talk back to me! I'm an officer!

But you're no gentleman.

-Oh, can it, nurses!

Check the surgical packs.

Checking, checking. Checking packs like crazy.

MARGARET: Put a lid on it!

It's been this way all day, sir.

-No discipline. -Okay, okay.

Let's all try to work together,

make the best of it.

I'm getting out of here.

Now you heard the Colonel.

Have fun!

Yeah.

-Oh. -Ooh.

Hi, Father!

Any luck, Father?

We have a winner here.I found the mail.

POTTER: Bingo. You're a genius.

Oh, not really.

Mail's just in time.

Everybody's chewingeach other up.

Oh, heavens.I have another surprise.

Don't tell me. You got Mildred in one of your bags.

No, Colonel.It's that movie you requested.

Your favorite Western.

Hot damn! Things are lookin' up.

Never mind what Itold you before!

Forget the instrument packsand clean these shelves.

They're filthy.There's dirt all over them.

-All right.-Come on now. Step on it!

Frank, if you say "Step on it" one more time,

-I'll step on you.-Well, then, move it, then!

-Move it! -Shut up, Frank!

Nurses, will you pipe down?

I can't hear myself yell.

Mind your own business,Captain. I'll handle this.

You're messing up my floor!

Will you quit walkingon my clean floor?

RADAR : Attention, all personnel.

Colonel Potterwould like to addressthe personnel personally.

There you go, sir.Just keep your fingeron that button.

Thank you, Corporal. Ahem. This is good news.

I know you've been working your butts off--

Excuse me.

And you're all as itchy as a dog at a flea circus.

First of all, there's mail.

-Oh, mail! All right! -What's mail?

That oughta cheer you up.

And after supper in the mess tent,

I've got a big treat for everybody--

something you're all gonna love to see.

-Gypsy Rose Lee! -Doing a fan dance.

It's my kind of entertainment.

My all-time favorite movie.

Now, I'm saving the title till show time.

After chow in the Mess Tent.

So bye-bye and buy bonds.

Oh, I shouldn't have said that.

RADAR: Oh, uh, take your finger off the button.

-What? -They can hear what you're saying.

-Oh.-I'd better handle this.

Ahem. Uh, Colonel Potteris now finished

with his messageto the 4077.

See, sir, if you don'ttake your finger off--

-I know. I just forgot. -Oh.

Hey, Beej, you got a pen?

Why?Somebody mail you a pig?

I need something to write with.

Here, try this.But I think it's out of ink.

Very cute.

Hey, Frank, lend me your pen.

No, thank you, pal.

-What do you mean, no? -N-O, no.

-Why not?-Because you'll ruin it.

The point's used to the way I write.

It's used to stupid?

Oh, stuff it in your Val-pak.

Hey, Hawk, guesswhat Peg sent me.

-A pony? -No.

A Dutch apple crumb pie.It's delicious.

Try some.

Mmm-mmm.

This is really crummy.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, it's awful.

What?You gotta be kidding.

Would a dying man kid? Agh!

Geez, Frank, let me havesome of that shoe polish.

What for?

I want to get this rotten taste out of my mouth.

You have no taste.

I did before I had that pie.

All right,I'll eat it all myself.

I'll be one of your pallbearers.

Just don'tbury me in that shirt

you brought me from Seoul.

You're knocking my gift?

I picked that shirt out myself.

No wonder it's irregular.

What do you mean?

I mean one sleeve is longer than the other.

No, no, no, no, no. That's not true.

Eh.

Wear it yourself.

I will. I'm gonna put on this lovely shirt

and go visit the nurses in it.

There.

Perfect.

Nothing wrong with this shirt.

Creep.

-WOMAN: Who is it? -Quasimodo.

-What do you want?-I'm here to ring your bells.

-Come in. -Ladies.

-Hi. -Hi, Hawkeye.

On behalf of the officersand gentlemen of the 4077th

and myself, I cordially invite you

to dinner and a movie

in what is accurately called the mess tent.

-Please R.S.V.P. In this ear.-No.

This ear does not accept no for an answer.

Well, I'm sorry.That's the only answerthis mouth has.

Where are you going?

We've been invited to dinner at I-Corps.

Wine, tablecloths, silverware.

Pilots.

What does a pilot have that I haven't got?

-A plane.-Why settle for a plain

when you can have a fancy?

We're tired of this place,

and we're tired of the same people.

We wanna see somebody fresh for a change.

I've always been fresh with you.

Not tonight.

-What if I got on my hands and knees? -No.

-What if I got onyour hands and knees?-Not a chance.

Well, I'm not gonna ask again.A man has to have some dignity.

-Yes?

It's me-- Frank.

Oh, what do you want?I'm busy.

I wanted to talk to you.

Oh, all right.

Well, I was wondering if--

Frank, you can come in.

-I can? -Yes.

-Really?-Oh, will you get in here?

Place looks just the same.

You know, you look lovelyin this light.

The war's been very kindto you, Margaret.

-Is that it? -No!

I want you to sit with meat the movie tonight.

Just as a friend.

Just as a friend, I accept.

You see? Even thoughyou're engaged,

we can still be civilto each other.

-You're right. -And after the movie,

-I can walk you back here.-That'd be nice.

If it isn't too late,

maybe we can playwar games like we used to.

Frank.

It was such fun, Margaret!

You'd hide under the coversand pretend it was a tent,

and I'd be a bomband drop on you.

Frank! You bombed out! You lost!

And Donald Penobscott won.

Penobscott.What a stupid name.

And you're gonna beMargaret Penobscott.

I'd like you to meetthe Penobscotts.

Donald Penobscott,Margaret Penobscott,

and all the littlePenobscotts--

Huey, Dewey and LouiePenobscott. Ha ha ha ha!

-Frank? -Huh?

I'm gonna count to 3, and if you're still here,

I'm gonna snap off your epaulets.

Put it away.You know how I hate that.

-1. -You're bluffing.

-3! -You skipped 2!

The tension is so thick in here,

you could cut it with a knife.

Not with this one.

It's so quiet.Nobody's talking.

Perhaps the entertainment tonight

will improve everyone's disposition.

What is the movietonight, Father?

That's privileged information, B.J.

I don't want to spoil Colonel Potter's surprise.

It better be good.

This crowd is ready tobeat up Shirley Temple.

Hold it, soldier. Let me check that tray.

You didn't finish your peas!

They're hard as a rock, sir.They hurt my tooth.

You're wasting food! Just look at that tray!

I can't, sir.It makes me woozy.

You didn't finish your meat.

The meat's all fat. It--

Oh, no.That's the potatoes.

Don't you realize there arepeople starving in Poland?

Here, you cansend 'em this.

What's the problem now, Burns?

Well, sir, I'm the garbage officer.

We all know that.

And there's been atremendous waste of food,

especially rutabaga,lima beans and breaded liver.

Is that a surprise to you?

Well, what if the enemygot a hold of this?

We'd win the war. Tell you what, Burns.

If there's any food leftthat you think is edible,

you eat it.

Here you go, sir.

May I have your attention, please?

I know you've been working hard all week,

and you've got a case of the cranks.

I'm confidenttonight's entertainment

will make new men out of ya.

Uh, except for you women.

This movie's a classic.

It's got the three thingsthat make a movie great:

horses, cowboys, and horses.

You might've guessed. It's a Western.

It's called--now hold onto your hats--

My Darling Clementine.

Oh!

Ha ha! See? You feel better already.

Gee whiz. That's terrific.

I haven't seen a good movie in ages.

Oh, Frank, don't be childish.It's only a movie.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh boy!A movie! Hee hee hee!

I'm so excited, I could plotz! Ha ha!

CHORUS IN MOVIE: ♪ Oh my darlin'

♪ Oh my darlin'

--MARGARET: I've seenthis picture.

♪ Oh my darlin' Clementine

♪ You are lost and gone forever ♪

KLINGER: Ooh, Alan Mowbray.

I never missan Alan Mowbray picture.

♪ In a cavern in a canyon

FRANK:Look at all that space!

-There's Ward Bond! -Whoo-hoo!

HAWKEYE:That's Margaret's whip!

♪ Forty-niner

♪ And his daughter Clementine ♪

B.J.: Who's that?

HAWKEYE: Uh, Alan Mowbray.

KLINGER: No.

Hey, there's Alan Mowbray!

B.J.:Who's that ridin' him?

POTTER: That's old Henry Fonda.

-There you go. -HAWKEYE: Hey!

Henry Fonda!

Uh-oh.

-Yep. -Uh-oh.

There's Walter Brennan.Hee hee!

POTTER: Oh, yeah.

My name's Clanton.

This is my boy Ike. My oldest boy.

Hey, is Sweetwater up beyond?

Yeah, two, three miles straight up the trail.

I'm ruinin' my nails!

This film is full of splices.It's not my fault.

ALL:

Hold on, now.Don't leave.

You're gonna missa swell movie.

Tell you what.We'll fill in the time.

Let's all sing.A community sing.

We'll have the film fixed in a jiffy.

-Come on. It's fun.

It's also an order.

-HAWKEYE: Oh, in that case.-All right.

How 'bout "The TennesseeWaltz?" Okay?

♪ I was waltzing

-Lower, lower, lower. -Too high?

♪ I was waltzing with my darlin' ♪

♪ To the Tennessee Waltz

♪ When an old friend I happened to see ♪

♪ Introduced him to my true love ♪

♪ And while they were dancing ♪

♪ My friend stole my sweetheart from me ♪

♪ I remember the night...

Father Mulcahy, you should'vetaken up the harmonica.

Yes, you're right.Colonel Potter's tryin'to keep the party going

till the film's fixed.

Have fun.

Sounds likethey're having it.

I got it. Here we go!

-Lights!

Good evenin', Mr. Clanton.

Good evenin'.

Fellow with a trail herd, remember?

Oh, sure. I remember you.

You was right.

I didn't get very far with 'em.

They was rustled this evenin'.

That so?

Well, that's too bad.

Guess you'll be headin' for California, huh?

No, I figured on sticking around a while.

Got myself a job.

Cowpunchin'?

Marshaling.

Marshaling? In Tombstone?

Well, good luck to you, Mr...

Earp. Wyatt Earp.

HAWKEYE: Klinger, you moron!

I blew the bulb. It's not my fault!

Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?

No, you look like Mrs. Edison.

I'll fix it. I'll fix it.

Got a good bulb here someplace.

FRANK: Well, find it!

Got an idea. Not a bad earring.

Hit it, Father.

♪ A chaplain in the army has a collar on his neck ♪

♪ If you don't listen to him you'll all wind up in heck ♪

♪ Oh I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ Oh the surgeons in the army ♪

♪ They say we're mighty bright ♪

♪ We work on soldiers through the day ♪

♪ And nurses through the night ♪

♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ Friendships in the army they say are mighty rare ♪

♪ So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare ♪

♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪

Hey, hey!

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ The surgeons in the army

♪ Their brains they are profound ♪

♪ But we'll take chopper pilots ♪

♪ They'll get you off the ground ♪

♪ Oh I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ The corporals in the army you say we're really green ♪

♪ But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine ♪

♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ Oh some guys like the army I think that it's a mess ♪

♪ If it's so damn terrific how come I wear a dress? ♪

-Fix the projector!

We don't want to hear songs! We don't!

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

♪ Oh some nurses in the army they haven't tied the knot ♪

♪ But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott ♪

♪ I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go, but they won't let me go ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

I've got it!

HENRY FONDA AS WYATT EARP: ...sucker game, Doc.

There's probably 50--

HAWKEYE: Hey, there's no sound.

HAWKEYE: Don't blame Klinger. It's an army projector.

B.J.: It's supposedto break downevery five minutes.

-Like the peace talks.-

It's no use. I can't get the sound.

Lights.

How 'bout some moreentertainment?

I know somebody who doesgreat movie star imitations.

No, no!

Oh, okay.

Um...

okay, see if you can guess who this is.

HAWKEYE: Radar's back.

POTTER:Now, leave him alone.

Show 'em, kid.

Well, it looks like

you've got some people around here

pretty mad at you, son.

But I'm not gonna hit ya.

I'm not gonna hit ya. Like hell I'm not.

Barbara Bel Geddes!

The Mills Brothers!

Wrong. It's John Wayne. Ha ha!

-John Wayne. -Who's John Wayne?

Now cut that out!

Okay, Mr. Benny!

Rochester,

now, how many timeshave I told ya, ya see,

never to interrupt mewhen I'm doin' the show?

Oh, Don. Oh, Mary.

Oh, Dennis.

Now that's the Mills Brothers!

Debra Paget.

Now, Mr. Benny?

Sing, Dennis!

♪ Ol' Hawkeye and ol' B.J.

♪ They think they're pretty smart ♪

♪ I'd like to take a scalpel ♪

♪ And stab 'em in the heart Boy, this is fun.

♪ Oh, I don't want no more of army life ♪

♪ Gee, Mom, I wanna go home

The number in New Jerseyis KLondike 5 4433.

And now, for the momentno one has been waiting for:

the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest!

You'll need that, Hawkeye.

My word, Hawkeye.

This jocularity is most unseemly.

-You try.

Me?

Oh, how can you make jokes

at a time like this?

-Ooh.

Uh, the post-op is collapsing,

and the O.R.'s on fire.

Uh...

and somebody has brokeninto the sacramental wine.

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

It seems that Private Simpson

has come downwith a case of hepatitis.

It is the most remarkable shade of yellow.

You, sir.

Jocularity! Jocularity!

Let me just say this aboutall these impersonations.

Now that is definitely the Mills Brothers.

MAN : Hold it. Sashay back

and make room for our new marshal

and his lady fair.

Uh, I have a car herefor four nurses, for I-Corps.

I'll see your car and raise youHenry Fonda and Ward Bond.

NURSE: Thank you, driver. We're staying.

Well, what'll I tellGeneral Armistead?

Tell him we're watching a movie,

with more stars than he has onhis shoulders.

What's the picture?

My Darling Clementine.

Oh, that's a good one.I just got a flat tire.

Ah-ha! Swing your partner!

Yippee!

Well, by gosh.

-Again, with this?

Ladies and gentlemen, we havesomeone with us tonight

who may not want anyoneto know she's here.

The toast of two continentsand the Pink Pagoda in Seoul.

I don't know if we can prevail upon her--

-Oh, sit down. -Uh-huh.

-Hit it, Father. -Hit what?

Anything.

♪ When love comes in and takes you for a spin ♪

♪ Ooh la la la

♪ C'est magnifique

♪ When every night your lover holds you tight ♪

♪ Ooh la la la

♪ C'est magnifique

♪ But when one day your lover drifts away ♪

-♪ Ooh la la la -

♪ It is sotragique ♪

♪ But when once more

♪ He whispers"Je t'adore" ♪

♪ C'est magnifique

Watch out for the stagecoach!

Say, that's the show, folks.

Here they come.

Doc Holliday's with 'em.

HAWKEYE :Uh-oh. This don't look good.

There's gonnabe a shoot-out.

Wait'll they get closer, ya fools.

Phin, cover your brother.

Look out, Doc! Look out!

He's behind ya, Wyatt! Look out!

-Ohh!

Throw your gun down and come on out, old man.

Hey, we got wounded out here!

WALTER BRENNAN AS CLANTON: My boys...

Ike, Sam, Phin, Billy!

WYATT EARP: They're dead.

We got wounded in here too.

Wounded! We got wounded!

♪ In a cavern in a canyon

Scalpel.

♪ Excavating for a mine

ALL : ♪ Lived a miner forty-niner

♪ And his daughter Clementine ♪

♪ Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh, my darling Clementine

♪ You are lost and gone forever ♪

♪ Dreadful sorry, Clementine ♪