Original subtitles

B.J.: Let's say,in the next war,

the generals strip downto their B.V.D.s

and have at itwith baseball bats

while the rest of usstay home.

FRANK: That is solike you, Hunnicutt.

Not a patriotic bonein your body.

No wonder the manflunked anatomy.

He thinks there arepatriotic bones.

-Four-oh silk.-We only have three-oh.

I'll take three-oh,and you'll owe me one.

You just don'tunderstand people

wanting to fightfor their country.

Sure I do,but it isn't my country.

Don't you realizethat if we weren't here,

the Commies would overrun the whole darn place?

Serve 'em right.

The weather stinks, and the food's lousy.

And the room serviceleaves a lot to be desired.

-Sponge. -Sponge.

Those Commies thinkthey can run the world.

Let's see 'emtry to run Newark.

In two weeks, they'd end upin the trunk of a Buick.

Uh, sir,

there's a Colonel Bidwellto see you.

Tell him I'm busy.

He said, if you said you were busy,

I was to say it's urgent.

You can tell him to take a flying leap--

I'll be out when I'm finished.

That's what I told him.

-Colonel Potter? -Right.

I'm Colonel Bidwell,

I-Corps Operations Officer.

What can I do for you?

Who's your best doctor?

Why do you want to know?

Will you answer the question, please?

We have several good men.

Do you have one who's outstanding?

Yes, we do.

What's his name, Colonel?

Our best man is CaptainBenjamin Franklin Pierce.

-I'll take him. -For what?

Personal physician toGeneral Theodore A. Korshak,

I-Corps Commander.

Korshak? "Tamerof the Tiger Tank"?

-None other.-Pierce isn't your man.

He is if he's the best.

If General Korshak were beingcarried in on a stretcher,

I'd say Pierce isthe fella you want.

But a personal physician?No, sirree.

-Why not?-Because Pierce is a maverick

from the top of his unshorn head

to the tips of his uncut toenails.

You're saying he's not G.I.

He isn't even housebroken.

I appreciate your candor,but I still want to meet him.

Whatever you say.

He's in O.R. right now.

Nurse.

-Listen, Bidwell. -Mm-hmm.

A lot of men are alive todaybecause Pierce works here.

I don't want to lose him.

Are you suggesting

the general settle for second best?

Are you suggesting we should?

Do you ever getthe feeling

there'sa war going on?

There's always a war going on.

War is the world'sfavorite spectator sport.

Give me some more skin sutures.

Oh, everybodyknows war is hell.

Remember, you heardit here last.

War isn't hell.

War is war, and hell is hell.

And of the two, war is a lot worse.

How do you figure that, Hawkeye?

Easy, Father.

Tell me, who goes to hell?

-Well, sinners, I believe.-Exactly.

There are no innocentbystanders in hell.

But war is chock fullof them--

little kids,cripples, old ladies.

In fact, except for a few of the brass,

almost everybody involvedis an innocent bystander.

Well, I'm not. I'm herebecause my country needs me.

How do you know itwasn't just some excuse

to ship you8,000 miles from home?

Yeah. The Korean War was invented

so your parents wouldn't come looking for you.

Oh, you're a pairof sickos!

I'm not getting a pulse.

No.

No pulse.

Amanda, adrenaline!

Bag 'im!

Gloria, bicarb!

Where's the adrenaline?

Into the I.V. tubing.

Come on! Come on, damn it!

All right, I'm gonna go inside.

Give me a knife. Rib spreader!

Hurry up, hurry up! Come on.

Come on.

Live, damn it, live.

Don't let the bastard win.

I'm getting a pulse.

MARGARET: It's getting better.

All right, let's close up.

Chest tube.

Pressure's coming up.

Nice goin', Hawk.

Klinger.

Gotta get some new sutures going.

Congratulations, son.

Well, I guess it just wasn't his turn.

That's right.If it had been his turn,

you would've worked on him.

KLINGER: Comin' through!

Hey, do me a big favor,will ya, pal?

-What, Doctor?-Move it or get it amputated.

-I beg your pardon? -Don't beg.

Just get your butt outta here.

Give me the scissors.

You keep loadingthose sutures.

Seen enough, Colonel?

A little hot-tempered,isn't he?

Yes, and this is one of his cooler days.

Well, I told you Pierce wasn't the man you were looking for.

Fine doctor,but undisciplined.

I should addhe hates brass.

I'll include that in myreport to the general.

According to Pierce,

the only medical attentiongenerals require

is a daily high colonic.

Incredible.

Well, havea good trip back.

Sorry you had towaste all this time.

-Listen, Potter. -Yes, Colonel?

In the operating room, when, uh,

Pierce was tryingto save that man's life,

he said, "Don't let the bastard win."

Who was he talking about?

Death.

When it comes to death,Pierce is a sore loser.

It's a part of life, part of war.

And we're soldiers.

Maybe we are, but Pierce isn't.

He's just humoring usby wearing that uniform.

He's one doctorwho'll never be nonchalant

where death is concerned.

He'll always take it personally.

He could crack up with that attitude.

You're right. He's a goodman to stay away from.

-Colonel. -Sayonara.

Sometimes I get the feeling

we're only a bunch of mechanics.

-Mechanics? -Sure.

Doctors fix people upso they can go on living.

We fix them up so they cango back and get killed.

We're running a body-and-fender shop

at a demolition derby.

Well, I'm not a mechanic.

I'm a surgeon and a gentleman.

He uses the right forkand the wrong knife.

When his patient dies,

he always says "Excuse me"before leaving the table.

There's nothing wrongwith manners.

We all heard how Pierce talkedto that visiting colonel.

He gave the 4077tha black eye.

You gave it a black armband.

That man was a general's aide.

Where would we be without leadership?

I'd be in the backseat of a '46 DeSoto

schnuggling with Wanda Lamperski.

Hi, Radar.

Hey, Mulligan.

I hear you're going home.

Yeah, I finallygot my points.

First stop Seoul,

and then I'm, uh,Bitter Creek bound.

You're what?

Bitter Creek.A small town in Wyoming.

-That's where I'm from.-Oh.

Well, I just wantedto tell you goodbye.

Hey, gee, thanks, Mulligan.

-Good luck to you. -Thanks.

There is, uh, somethingI'd like you to do for me,

uh, something I-I'd like you to take care of.

-Yeah? -Go ahead, sit down.

What is it?

Well, it's, uh, very precious

and, uh, very beautiful.

Is it a birdor somethin'?

Nah, it's a girl.

A girl?

You mean, a girl?

That's right.

Look, Radar, you're a real nice, gentle guy,

and I-- I want you to be her friend.

Yeah?

Well, her name's Mai Ping.

I've told her all about you.

She's waiting for you over at Rosie's Bar.

Oh, boy.

A real girl.

Mai Ping, this is Radar.

Uh, O'Reilly.

Radar O'Reilly.

Actually,my name is Walter,

but only my mothercalls me that.

Treat her nice, okay?

Um, good-bye, Mai Ping.

Please sit down, Walter.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, would youlike a drink?

They serve a nicegrape Nehi here.

Oh, no, thank you.

Are you from Korea?

Oh, yes, I am Korean.

And you?

I'm just here for the war.

It's a pretty country,except where it's bombed.

Mmm.

You have any hobbies? You like sports?

Mmm, no, I don't.

Uh, would you like to take a walk?

Yes.

Shall I show you my hut?

Your what? Your hut?

Now?

Yes.

Oh, boy.

Oh, can I help you?

Mmm.

Hey, there's a baby in your basket.

Yes, there is.

Is he your brother?

He's my son. Lee Chin.

Lee Chin Mulligan?

Yes.

Ah, that's nice.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever really considered the foot?

Yeah, but I prefer girls.

Look at it. The foot is an incredible thing.

What's so hotabout a foot?

You can stand on 'em. You can walk on 'em.

You can kick people in the tush with 'em.

All right, you sold me.I'll take a pair in my size.

There are none in your size.

Ah, welcometo our hovel.

It's not much, but it'sclose to where we live.

And only minutesto the nearest war.

I'm glad you guys like it here.

I nearly lost Hawkeye today.

In a poker game?

I'd never throw you into the pot

unless I had at least two pair.

Thank you, Colonel.

Ever hear of General Korshak?

Is he related to "General Chaos"?

Same guy.

General Ted Korshaksent that colonel up here.

That bozo in the O.R.?

Yep, looking for a personalphysician for the general.

-Why? -Prestige.

Found out some otherthree-star had his own doctor

and decided he couldn'tlive without one.

Actually, for the doctor,it's easy duty.

You eat well, hotel beds,and the hours aren't bad.

So the colonel was lookin' me over, huh?

Yep.

And I blew my big chance.

It was the way you acted in O.R.

He thought you were crude,rude, and unmilitary.

A triple threat.

And I wasn't even wearing my swim fins.

You were absolutely disgraceful,

and I think I'll buy you a drink.

BIDWELL: You're not gonnalike him, General.

-Gave you a lot of static, huh?-Yes, sir.

Downright insolent.A real hardnose.

That makes two of us.

Hi, Radar.

Oh, hi, Klinger. How's it goin'?

Marvelous. I love peelingthese little fellas.

I'm considering itas a career.

Oh, that's neat.

-Hey, Radar. -Yeah?

There's a new inventionjust came out.

It's really catching on.It's called the bag.

Thanks. Listen, Klinger,

this isn't for me, you know.

What do I care who they're for,

as long as I don't have to peel 'em?

Oh.

Take a couple of morewhile we got 'em.

Little kids need eggs.

Oh. Thanks a lot, Klinger.

How do you like bein' a father?

Oh, I'm not the father.

I'm sort of the foster uncle.

Do kids like 'em scrambled?

How's it feel to be a family man, Radar?

-I worry a lot. -What about?

About the baby. Geez,how's he gonna get along?

I mean, he's so, uh...he's so small and little.

Whenever I'm notwith him, I worry.

And when I'm there,I worry even more.

You're a good father, Radar.

I'm not the father.

I know. You're still a good father.

Thanks.

What's it likebeing the real thing?

You worry a lot.

Geez, you know, I get antsyif even a day goes by

and I don't seelittle Lee Chin.

And I'm just his uncle.

I mean, I'm not reallyhis uncle, of course.

Are you and Mai Ping...

-What? -Nothin'.

Oh, no, nothin'like that.

We're just friends.

I envy you.

-Really? -Yeah.

Gee, and you a doctorand an officer.

You got a family, Radar. Take my word for it.

It's better than either of those things.

Well, I really appreciateyou coming along

to give the babya checkup.

No problem.

You know, sometimeshe-- he cries.

Uh, what do youthink that is?

You think he's justhungry or something?

Could be, pal.

There's a lot of it goin' around.

This way, General.

Mildred, just another14 months and 11 days

till retirement.

Ah! General.

At ease, Colonel.

Thank you, sir.

General Korshak, Colonel Potter.

Pleased to meet you,General.

Is there anythingI can do for you?

Well, you could put me out of my misery.

I beg your pardon?

I'm parched.

Oh, certainly.

-Colonel? -Thanks.

Mmm. Good Scotch.

Thank you, General.Is that all you wanted?

Sit down, Colonel.

You have a tough guy on your staff here,

name of Pierce.

Bidwell tells me he'sa piece of real live ammo.

Did the colonel tell you he hates generals

more than watered ginand earaches put together?

Me, too. Never met one yet

that was worth his weight in Spam.

If Pierce wants an argument,

he's gonna have to do a lot better than that.

I think he can, General.

Oh, just what the doctor ordered.

I'd like to meet my new personal physician...

now.

Is he okay?

Fit as a fiddle and ready for love.

What?

Lee Chin is just fine.

Thank you.

Would you likesome tea?

No, thanks. I've gotta get back.

The army's a lot like the A.M.A.

Both frown on house calls.

-Here we are. -Here we go.

Oh, what a big boy.

-Hey, B.J. -Mm-hmm?

I really appreciate this.

This was swell of ya.

No problem, Radar.

You have a beautiful family.

Bye.

-He's very healthy. -Yes.

-Walter. -Hmm?

He looks like you.

You think so?

Oh, yes.He's very handsome.

Well, maybe the eyes.

I hear you're a real pistol, Doc.

Only when I'm loaded.

Actually, though, I'm not much of a doctor

once you get to know me.

According to Potter,you're the best.

Well, the colonel drinks.

Only in groups of one or more.

What's your medical background, Captain?

Typical. I had all the childhood diseases--

Mumps, measles, colic, you name it.

You are insolent.

Well...

Seriously, where'd you study?

I never studied seriously.

If I hadn't cheated on the final exam

and been a personal friend of the cadavers,

I never would've graduated. And that was high school.

This guy kills me.

What higher praise for a physician?

I want this man.

Uh, General, I'd really rather not be

your personal physician or your court jester

or whatever it is you're shopping for.

Do you realizewhat an opportunity

I'm offeringyou, Captain?

Sure... The moon, the stars,

your high school letterman's sweater.

Same deal I offered Nurse Baker last night.

Pierce, I have enoughribbons and medals

to-to cover that wall.

Well, bring 'em around. It'll liven up the place.

I'm not movin' those pictures.

Ribbons and medalsdon't mean a thing.

These area different matter.

These you have to go outand get for yourself.

You mean they don't deliver?

You don't get them bytaking no for an answer.

You see this?

What?

There's supposed to be a medical insignia there,

a caduceus.

I probably dropped it in a patient.

You know how I got that? I mean, if it was there.

By working your butt off?

That's right.

So as long as I have to be in Korea

why don't you let me do what I was trained to do,

be a doctor?

Okay, let's see youin action.

How is it, Doc?

It's awfully high.You almost rang the bell.

Blame it on the major.

Thank you very kindly, sir.

I wonder whether you know my fiancé,

Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott.

He's stationed in Tokyo.

He's a great admirerof yours, General.

I know a Penobscott.

Uh, no neck, one eyebrow.

That's him!

-One eyebrow? -Mmm.

Over which eye.

Both.

Oh, yeah, Cro-Magnon.

It's very sexy.

Come on, General,

we'll take some dirtypictures of your lungs.

You're really somethin'.

Hi, sweetheart.

Mulligan.

Oh...

I got to Seoul. I was practically on the plane

when-- when I realized

I couldn't leave you and the baby.

I love you, Mai Ping.

I love you, Mulligan.

I guess we can go toBitter Creek together, huh?

Bitter Creek sounds nice.

Hey, uh, thanks for, uh, everything, Radar.

Oh, heck.

It wasn't everything.

I just took care of the baby, that's all.

He's a terrific baby.

I didn't, uh--

There we go.

Oh, hey, listen,I borrowed your slippers.

They're-- They're really nice.

I enjoyed them.

Um, I guess I don't have to put these on.

Uh, Colonel Potter needs me, I'm sure.

I knew you were coming back.

I think that's terrific.

Um, I gotta fill out themonthly report and stuff.

Walter.

Thanks.

Bye.

Okay, okay. I'll doanything you say

except give up my stogiesand my Scotch.

Well, then I might as well sign on

-as your personal physician.-Good.

As long as I can come back here after the funeral.

-What funeral? -Yours.

You're looking for a doctorto keep you alive,

and you're doing everythingyou can to kill yourself.

I'm in pretty good shapefor a man my age.

You are if you're 103.

Not funny, Pierce.

The stroke that's headedyour way is a lulu.

It could come today,tomorrow, or next Tuesday.

-Or never, right? -Wrong.

Six months at the outside.

How do you know that?

I'm a doctor. See?

You got high blood pressure, General.

You drink, you smoke.

You're 20 pounds overweightwithout the medals.

There are two waysyou can avoid a stroke.

One, you go to Tokyo,you check into a hospital,

and you start taking care of yourself.

-Two? -Sit on a land mine.

If you're tryingto scare me, young man,

you're not succeeding.

Look, you're lucky. You have a choice.

Unlike the other guys who come through here,

it's up to you whether you live or die.

Can't do it, Pierce.I've got a war to fight.

Okay, your next foxholewill be six feet deep.

Look, you really lay it on with a shovel, don't you?

-I'm not kidding. -Neither am I.

Start packing. You'll get your orders.

-Driver. -Wait a second.

No, no. Wait, hold it!Wait a minute! Hold it!

All right, hold it, hold it.

Look, General, if you take my advice,

you can live to be an old Korshak.

But you don't need me hanging around

counting your calories and putting out your cigar

and listening to your liver hiccup.

There are a lot of boys who come through this place

whose lives I can save if I'm here.

Now, you guys always say the men come first.

Well, do they or don't they?

They do.

All right, Pierce. You stayhere and do your job.

I'll do mine.

I can take orders, too.

Good, I'll have a corned beefon rye with mustard.

You're right, the kid is a pistol.

Let's go, come on.

Don't forget the ribbons for the wall!

Is it true, Colonel? General Korshak

is still in the market for a personal physician?

-That's right, Burns.-I'm perfect for the job.

I'd like your recommendation.

-You've got it. -And mine.

-And mine. -The motion's carried.

I'd appreciate it, sir,

if you'd send a letter to the general

outlining my qualifications.

Good idea.

What are they?

Well, I have a thrivingpractice back in Fort Wayne.

They're thriving 'cause Frank's not there.

And a splendid war record.

Colonel, should you mention the time

he dropped his bubble gum in the patient?

Bubble gum. Good.

Or the time he sneezed and performed

an accidental appendectomy.

Fainted in O.R. 27 times.

Threw up in post-op, 12.

-Overslept, 48. -Oh, Colonel,

you're not writing all that down, are you?

I'm getting it all.It may help.

The hysterectomy on that sergeant.

Boy, was hesore about that.

Colonel, I--

Oh, let's not forget Major Houlihan.

Oh, Major Houlihan,we shouldn't forget.