Original subtitles

B.J.: Okay, it's your turn. Tell me a fantasy.

Picture, if you will,a crisp winter afternoon.

You by a crackling fire,in a smoking jacket.

Mmm, what color?

Red with blue satin lapels.

-Mmm.-And a zipper down the back.

-What for? -You'll see.

There's a lighttapping at the door.

-Mmm.-"Who's there?" you say,

checking your zipper.

You saunter to the door,straightening your ascot,

and casuallyslide back the bolt.

Come on! Who is it?

Lana Turner.

Wearing?

An angora sweater...

with a zipper down the back.

-What for? -You'll see.

Go on.

She throws her arms around you.

But you push her away!

I push her away? For what?

Your smoking jacket iscovered with angora lint.

In a fit of pique, she leaves.

That's it? The end?

That's it.

But what about the zippers down the back?

They didn't catch on.

Oh, I don't believe it!

I had Lana Turner in a fantasy,

with a sweater with a zipper down the back,

and I let her get away?

You always wereshort on zip.

-Ha ha ha ha.-And then the colonel said,

"Whatever you do,don't tell Burns."

What-what-what?

Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.I promised.

Why don't you guys like me, huh?

Because you're a lousy doctorand a rotten person.

-Aside from that.-Well, there's your pimples.

My pores won't close!

Aw, come on, guys.I'll show you my present.

Show us your present first.

You see?

You roll the BBs around

and you try and get 'em in the holes.

Now tell me what the colonelsaid not to tell me.

He asked Father Mulcahyto pray for your pores.

You smart aleck!

B.J.: Can't we playwith your game?

No! Nobody makes fun of myskin and gets away with it.

Besides, it's froma former receptionist.

Good picture of her.

Nice BBs.

No dibs on my game.

I'll show youmy ingrown toenail.

I looked at it while you were asleep.

Well, then you owe me!

Oh, buzz off!

Ha ha! Got one BB in.

-Belly button? -Uh-uh. Right ear.

Tilt!

Well, we managed to kill

another five minutesof the war.

Wanna catch a rat and make it a pet?

Nah. It's notfair to the rat

to keep it in a smallfurnished apartment.

You kept a cockroach.

It was paper-trained.

Hey, the Times.

Listen to this. "Senator Joseph McCarthy

claims Communists have infiltrated the military."

I knew it. Every time they mention those pinkos, I see red.

Relax, Comrade.

-Ha! Ho-ho! Bingo! -What-what-what?

We struck oil and gold!

-What is it?-The Timescrossword puzzle.

Oh, fantastic!

Okay, one down, four letters.

-"Young fellow." -Uh, chap.

Right.

One across. "Member of the company."

Four letters. Starts with a C.

Uh...cast.

Good.

That's kid stuff.

Ha-ha! Got a BB right in her eyeball.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

MULCAHY: Six-letter word."Burrowing animal."

Frank Burns.

Too many letters.

But close.

Let's see,a burrowing animal.

-A Hepler! -A what?

Louis Hepler. Kid I wentto high school with.

Got expelled for burrowinginto the girls' washroom.

Only guy I ever knew who gotflushed out of high school.

I don't think that's it.

Ferret!

I wonder how he thought of that.

Probably looked in the mirror.

The third letteris a P.

How about gopher?

Bingo!

Uh, I'm sorry.

Give us another one.

Six letters, begins with G,

and means scandalmonger.

Gossip.

Give that lady 14 inchesof perforated intestine.

-What would I do with that?-Make a clarinet.

Margaret, uh, trimthat rough edge there.

-I don't wanna leave a bad scar. -Yes, doctor.

Oh, why be so careful with aChinese prisoner of war, huh?

Frank, he's a human being.

They line our wounded upagainst a wall and hang 'em!

But, Major Burns, there isthe Christian ethic.

I know that!

I won a white Bible at my church

for organ playing. So lay off!

Never yell at a priest, Burns.

It's a sure ticket to hell. More suction.

It's a waste of time, saving these slant eyes.

Burns, they're also collateral.

I'm trying to arrange a swap of their prisoners

for our prisoners.

Okay, finished.Can I help anybody?

I'm fine. Got this bowel by the tail.

-B.J.? -Done and done.

-Frank?-So you can take all thecredit, I suppose, huh?

I'm a perfectly competent doctor.

122nd in a class of 200

and capable of handling my own cases.

Just asking.

We're losing him, Doctor.

Pierce, help!

What are you cackling at, Major Burns?

Nothing. Just a game to testyour manual dexterity.

It's excellent for surgeons.

How childish!

-That's pornographic. -What is?

That girl. She's practically nude.

There's nothing wrong withthe human body, Margaret.

And there's certainly nothingwrong with hers.

Oh, you have no idea how silly you look

drooling over that disgusting toy.

Well, a man hasto have something.

And I'm very lonely,Margaret.

You deserve to be.

Look at that skimpy outfit she's wearing.

I could buy you one like it.

How would you like thatgame jammed in your ear?

Oh, don't make menervous, Margaret.

I'll shake my BBs loose.

It's too late, Frank.

All my life, I've never been able to finish

a Timescrossword puzzle.

-One more word is all we need.-Shoot.

Thirty-eight across, five letters,

begins with a V.

"Means a Yiddish bedbug."

Let's see. Yiddish, Jewish, Hebrew...

God knows I've read my Bible.

Did Moses speak Yiddish?

Only when he wasplaying pinochle.

-Oh, Father. -Yes, Hawk?

You know the termin Yiddish for "bedbug"?

In the Bible, there are hosts of locusts,

plagues of vermin,and hordes of scorpions.

Boy, a lot of bedbugs in those days.

Five letters, starts with a V.

Why don't you ask Corporal Shapiro?

He's sitting right over there.

Oh, thanks, Padre.

-Mazel tov. -Uh-huh.

Uh, Shapiro.

Oh, hi, y'all, Doc.

You know the Yiddishword for "bedbug"?

Sorry, Captain.

We been seven generations inGeorgia just raisin' cotton.

And old times thereare soon forgotten.

-Mazel tov. -How's that, Captain?

Forget it.

Maybe that's it-- "bedbug."

What did Shapiro say?

Ah, he can't get thecotton out of his mouth.

Thank You, dear Lord, for giving us this bounty

during trying times. Amen.

So that's what this is, roast bounty.

HAWKEYE: Does that help?

With a touch of ketchup.

Thank God for ketchup.

He just did.

I had a friend in college

used to make tomato soup

out of ketchup and hot water.

That's it!

Tippy Brooks is the answer.

What's the question?

The puzzle. He's a crossword freak.

He does the double crostic in ink.

Oh, your friend,the doctor,

-on the Essex. -Right!

-The Essexis in Busan Harbor.-know!

Radar, come on, let's get on the horn.

I haven't checkedmy bread for maggots.

Tell 'em you'll be right back.

Come on.

I've got a guy in Seoulcontacting the Essex.

He's a radioman first class.

That's nice for his mother.

I only know himby voice.

Stevens? Yeah, yeah!

I can hardly hear ya.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

His oatmeal cookiecaught fire in the ashtray.

-Gracious living. -Did you put it out?

Oh, he lost his cookie,but he saved his raisins.

How come we don't get raisins?

I saw some the other day,but they flew away.

That's right.Lieutenant Brooks.

He's a doctor on the Essex.

Uh-huh? Stevens?

Stevens, I canhardly hear y--

Oh, boy, he's fading.

Hawkeye, put your right handon the wastebasket

and hold your left hand out.

Will this blow outthe light bulb in my navel?

Uh-uh.B.J., you hold his hand,

and hold your left handstraight up.

You've got sweaty palms.

I'm new in radio.

Stevens? Right.

Okay, hold on.

Uh, Doctor Brooksis in surgery.

Tell him Hawkeye Pierce,MASH 4077, called.

And needs his help desperately.

Right.Uh, Dr. Hawkeye Pierce,

MASH 4077, needshis help real bad.

-Right. -Thanks, kid.

What? What?

I can't hear ya.My aerials walked out on me.

Ahh. Phew.

Hi, Klinger.How's it goin'?

I'm eating a jeep.

Good.

Colonel?

Radar, nointeroffice running.

-Yes, sir. -Good news.

The Chinese have agreedto a prisoner exchange.

Terrific. Sir, we got big problems.

Hawkeye locked Burnsin the nurses' latrine?

-No, sir, that was last Friday.-Time flies.

-Yes. It's Klinger. -Rats in his blue wig?

No, sir, he's outside having a picnic.

Annoying, but tolerable.

He's eating a jeep.

-I beg your pardon? -He's eating a jeep.

Which one?

The one with the squeaky seats.

Finally came upwith something fresh.

Uh-huh.

How do you see through those filthy glasses?

I know whereeverything is.

There he is, sir.

"A" for effort, Klinger,but it won't work.

Watch this.

Oh, wow! Right down.

Dip it in a little30-weight motor oil,

pop it in, and let it slide down the gullet

like a blue point oyster.

Colonel, he's crazy.

See? I got a witness!

You gotta give me a Section 8and send me home.

No dice.

If you don't throw me out for being a nut,

you're nuttier than I am!

Sir.

Sir, he just atea piece of iron.

That, too, shall pass.

Okay, the second course.

How about that?

That dumb wiper never worked anyway.

Cute idea, Klinger. Now cancel the picnic.

You don't believe

I'm gonna eat this jeep,do you, sir?

Let's say I find it hard to swallow.

Stick around, Colonel,and watch it disappear.

Klinger, if you want to ruin your stomach,

eat in the mess tent.

I need this jeep forthe prisoner exchange.

Just once, I'd like to sit down to a meal

and not be interrupted by business.

Gee, Colonel, you thinkhe's gonna be all right?

Oh, he'll be fine.

We may have to slap himon the rack

and give him a lube job.

But he was eating nuts.

Squirrels do itall the time.

Won't that hurt him, all that oil and metal?

He may slideout of bed tonight

and end up pointingat the North Pole.

You mean like a magnet?

If he gets real bad,

we'll stick himto the side of a boxcar

and send him down to Seoul.

Oh, you better tell the boysplaying horseshoes

to hold upwhen Klinger walks by.

Soldier, your repairsare over.

We're trading you inon a domestic model.

Should we turn back his speedometer?

Against theGeneva Convention.

-You-- -Uh-huh.

Head.

Little tight around the crotch?

Soo Ling say thank you.

Captain Hawkeye Pierce say you're welcome.

-Klinger, what is it? -Something I ate.

I told you the food here should not be taken internally.

I had a couple of bolts,a horn button,

part of a windshield wiperand a condenser.

Well-balanced meal.

But crazy.

-Not crazy enough. -I get it.

Baker, X-ray the Lebanese for hardware.

He's in for a tune-up.

And try not to rattlewhen you walk.

Sir, this message just come in for you.

It's from your friend Lieutenant Brooks.

-He's on his way. -On his way?

Yeah, he's coming here.He heard about the emergency.

-He's bringing an admiral.-An admiral?

Radar, there's no emergency.

-There isn't? -No.

No, we were working on a crossword puzzle.

We needed a word. Don't you remember?

Ooh, that's right.

But hey, Lieutenant Brooksis coming here,

and so's the admiral.

Boy, you guys are in a lot of trouble.

Nice.

Sirs?

Where can I find Dr. Pierce, Corporal?

Uh, that tent rightover there, sir.

Smells like dirty socks.

That jeep was a kidney buster.

Soldier, the head?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Latrine.

Oh, it's rightover there.

-Thank you. -Welcome.

Third hole pinches!

-Medicine's come a long way, Beej. -Mmm.

There was a time when proctologists used candles.

O-O-Oh, that smarts!

-Tippy! -Hawk.

What a hell of a trip we had.

We left the carrier this morning.

The chopper was forced down at, uh, Taejon.

Then we got a cattle train to Anseong.

Tracks were shelled.

Then we had to walk for 10 miles

till a jeep picked us up. But we made it.

Well, what's the emergency, huh?

Uh, Tippy, this is B.J. Hunnicutt.

-Uh, B.J., Tippy Brooks.-Hi. How ya doin'?

-Hi. We made it. -Terrific.

What's the emergency, huh?

Uh, you tell him.

He's your friend.

Tippy, I really didn't think

you'd come all the way out here.

I just needed a five-letterYiddish word for "bedbug."

What?

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

What am I gonna tell Admiral Cox?

Oh, he'll hang me from the highest, uh,

um... whatchamacallit.

Uh, seven letters. Starts with Y.

Yardarm.

-Th-Thanks. -Yeah, look, sit down.

I know you're in a big jam,but first things first.

Do you know the word?

-Bedbug? -Bedbug.

-Five letters. -Five letters.

Yiddish.

Yiddish.

Hawkeye, will you stop?

Well, I thought as longas you were here.

Look, we reallyfigured you'd call back.

Boy, you guys have really got me up the creek.

The admiral thinks we'rehere for a medical emergency.

What'll I tell him?

Well, I could holdmy breath for an hour.

We could say it'sa case of blue face.

You'd die.

Right now, a far, far better thing than me

-being busted to J.G. -J.G.?

They'll bust you to John Garfield?

You sure surprised me whenyou walked in there, Admiral.

Caught me with my guard down.

The call of naturebeckons to everybody.

-Both army and navy. -And the marines.

I'm not toosure about them.

-Coffee? -Oh, fine.

Cox. Cox. Is that with an X?

Yes.

That story you told me about getting here

is a real rouser.

It's a wonder you weren't killed.

Not that I'm not glad to see ya,

but I can't help wondering why you're here.

I was visiting the Essex

when your emergencycall came in.

I've always believed thatone branch in the service

has got to come tothe aid of the other.

Uh, right. Now, Admiral,

just go in the mess tent here.

Order anything you want.

I wanna check on this emergency.

Good. I haven't had a bitesince I left the carrier.

Specialty tonight was Egyptian sauerkraut.

Egyptian?

Part of their U.N. contribution.

Oh, I see.

We sent back the camels.

It's all a misunderstanding, Colonel.

Getting an admiral herefor a crossword puzzle?

You guys are onefor the book.

-I'm sorry. -He's sorry.

You were sorry

when you gave Major Burnsa chocolate-coated lizard.

It was Easter.

Now you've put yourbuddy's butt in a sling?

What are we gonna tell the admiral?

Well, we gotta thinkof something legitimate.

I mean, he's no dummy.

He can see through a bulkhead.

Maybe we could run him through post-op,

see what turns up there.

Okay, he's boundto find problems

he's never seenon a nice, clean ship.

Filth, do your stuff.

Hey, don't worry about it.

We're in trouble all the time.

Say goodbye, Dr. Pierce.

So long, Soo Ling.

Prisoner exchange.

-30 of theirs for 40 of ours.-It's a sale.

Did you bring us up here just to show us that?

-Uh, no, no, Admiral. -Of course not.

Here's a difficult case.

-Uh, Pierce?-Oh, thank you, Colonel.

Uh, following routine extraction of shrapnel from the leg,

this patient displayed,uh, unusual dehydration.

An insatiableneed for liquids.

Like a drink, soldier?

Eh, no, thank you.I'm not thirsty.

I can't thank you enough, Admiral.

-It's a miracle.-Can we get on with this?

Yeah, let's get on with this.

Okay, let's get on with this.

-Um... -Admiral, this is Corporal Klinger.

What is it, soldier?

I'm dying...

Huh?

Klinger!

Sorry. I usually don't kiss on a first date.

What kind of a placeare you running here?

This case is very unusual, Admiral.

-This case has a screw loose. -Close.

Baker, get us Klinger's X-ray.

Admiral, if you can't send me home,

can I transfer to the Navy?

Look at that sonar.

He could smell a sub at 30 fathoms.

Nuts, bolts, knobs?

This guy'sfull of machinery.

-He was trying to eat a jeep.-Eat a jeep?

He shouldn't evenbe in the service!

I love you!

Aah!

Only take me a minute

to pack my makeup kit and hair rollers.

Stop it!

You've got no emergencyhere, Potter.

We have wastedvaluable time!

Now, I am gonna seethere's an investigation!

Come on, Brooks.Let's get out ofthis loony bin.

There's been a terrible accident!

Civilians! They're all burned!

Crank up the O.R. generator!We'll need plenty of plasma.

Oh, watch out. Kellye!

-Careful now. -Get 'em inside.

Easy.

We have to bring them in pre-op

and treat 'em in O.R.

MARGARET:Father Mulcahy!

-NURSE: Hold his arm. -Easy.

Easy. Get herinto pre-op. Move it.

Father, straight into O.R.

-Napalm? -No, sir. Gasoline.

-All right, get him into O.R.-Let's go.

-Easy. Go easy now. -What a mess!

There's caps and masks in the scrub room, Tippy.

Right.

We've got a baby here!

KLINGER: Okay, I'll help.

-Okay. -Easy. Easy now.

-You got her? -Yep.

You a corpsman?

The best in the business, Dad.

An army fuel truckturned over in a ditch.

The Koreans were soaking upthe gasoline with rags.

-What for?-To use in their lamps.

-Wonderful.-Then you know what happened?

When it got dark, they couldn'tsee what they were doing,

-so some guy lit a match.-And a few of his friends.

More plasma.

-You got enough morphine? -We'll get by.

Got one who can't breathe. Smoke inhalation.

-Bad enough for a tracheotomy?-Yep.

-You want help? -I got it.

I can't fix your armuntil you give me the kid.

Come-- I insistyou give me the kid!

Well, if youcan't speak English,

why don't you go backwhere you came from?

Major Burns, let me help.

It's a wasteof time, Father!

They're heathen.

We're all God's children.

Oh, really?

It's just that some of us

are more childish than others.

Margaret, 500 of Ringer's lactate.

-Yes, doctor.-B.J.: Klinger, post-op.

-Klinger. -Sir?

Your nose slipped out of its bra.

Sorry, ladies.

Give ya a hand,Colonel?

-Pierce? -Yes, Admiral?

I've debrided the burnand applied the dressing.

-Anything more I can do?-Not a thing,

unless you want to sign up for a year.

No, thanks.You guys work too hard.

Seven hours in surgery.

And on top of it,Egyptian sauerkraut.

Is that coffee?

Powdered milk,but she won't take it.

HAWKEYE:That kid wasn'tborn yesterday.

This is Seoul City Sue.

Time for the commercial.

I have a special message

for the members of MASH 4077.

-Hey! -We're on the radio.

One of the prisoners you returned

has had head surgery

for the purpose of inhuman experiments.

We brand Dr. Hawkeye Pierce a war criminal.

-A war criminal?-All I did was stitch upthat guy's scalp.

What was I supposed to do,let him bleed to death?

Turn the other cheek, Hawkeye.

Both cheeks are already sore.

That dame lies as muchas my sister-in-law Bertha.

You know, that really roasts my butt.

Why don't we put outsome propaganda of our own?

Like what, Admiral?

Like those burn victims.

Why don't we say they were firebombed

by the enemy becausethey cooperated with us?

Why should we say that?

Because it's a veryeffective weapon, Pierce.

Every time they put out something,

we should put out something worse.

They lie and then we lie.Where does it end?

Oh, maybe you're right.But it still steams me.

It steams me too, but it'sgotta stop somewhere.

Oh, she simply won't take powdered milk.

She needs fresh.

I wish we had a goat.

Let me try, Father.

Hi. Can I see you for a little bit?

Let me see you for a little bit, huh?

Get a little of this stuff.

You want the cup?

Ba-a-a-ah.

MULCAHY: Oh, she's taking the milk.

Now that's propaganda.

I can't tell you how grateful I am

for the way you twopitched in.

Uh, glad we could help.

Can he drive all right?

Sure.That's his driving hat.

Oh, one more thing. Pierce,

you obviously didn'tneed us when you called.

Why did you get us up here?

Well, I'm sorry, Admiral.It was a misunderstanding.

We needed help witha crossword puzzle.

A crossword puzzle?

We were stuck.

A five-letter Yiddishword for bedbug.

I don't believe it.

You dragged us all the way up here

just to get the word vontz?

Vontz!

Vontz!

Beej, it's vontz!

Good luck, Admiral.

Now, look, we've got plenty of time.

There's no need to speed.

Aye, aye, sir.

And, Klinger, no kissing!

I got 14 BBs in the holes.

Now only one more to go.

Want some help with that?

I can manage by myself,thank you.

You're welcome.

You're spending a lotof time and energy

on that fool thing.

Well, I've almost-- Ahh...

Aha! I got it! Ha ha!

Last one right in her nose.

All 15!

-Look! Look! -Very nice, Frank.

-Oh, no.

What happened?

Well, I had it, and you jiggled it.

I did?

You did it on purpose.

Every time I do something special, you spoil it.

So do it again.

Do it again, he says. Hmph!

Three days. Three days.