All language subtitles for MASH.S05E15.38.Across.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

B.J.: Okay, it's your turn.
Tell me a fantasy.

Picture, if you will,a crisp winter afternoon.

You by a crackling fire,in a smoking jacket.

Mmm, what color?

Red with blue satin lapels.

-Mmm.-And a zipper down the back.

-What for?
-You'll see.

There's a lighttapping at the door.

-Mmm.-"Who's there?" you say,

checking your zipper.

You saunter to the door,straightening your ascot,

and casuallyslide back the bolt.

Come on! Who is it?

Lana Turner.

Wearing?

An angora sweater...

with a zipper down the back.

-What for?
-You'll see.

Go on.

She throws her arms
around you.

But you push her away!

I push her away? For what?

Your smoking jacket iscovered with angora lint.

In a fit of pique, she leaves.

That's it? The end?

That's it.

But what about the
zippers down the back?

They didn't catch on.

Oh, I don't believe it!

I had Lana Turner
in a fantasy,

with a sweater with a
zipper down the back,

and I let her get away?

You always wereshort on zip.

-Ha ha ha ha.-And then the colonel said,

"Whatever you do,don't tell Burns."

What-what-what?

Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.I promised.

Why don't you guys
like me, huh?

Because you're a lousy doctorand a rotten person.

-Aside from that.-Well, there's your pimples.

My pores won't close!

Aw, come on, guys.I'll show you my present.

Show us your present
first.

You see?

You roll the BBs around

and you try and get
'em in the holes.

Now tell me what the colonelsaid not to tell me.

He asked Father Mulcahyto pray for your pores.

You smart aleck!

B.J.: Can't we playwith your game?

No! Nobody makes fun of myskin and gets away with it.

Besides, it's froma former receptionist.

Good picture of her.

Nice BBs.

No dibs on my game.

I'll show youmy ingrown toenail.

I looked at it
while you were asleep.

Well, then you owe me!

Oh, buzz off!

Ha ha! Got one BB in.

-Belly button?
-Uh-uh. Right ear.

Tilt!

Well, we managed to kill

another five minutesof the war.

Wanna catch a rat
and make it a pet?

Nah. It's notfair to the rat

to keep it in a smallfurnished apartment.

You kept a cockroach.

It was paper-trained.

Hey, the Times.

Listen to this.
"Senator Joseph McCarthy

claims Communists have
infiltrated the military."

I knew it. Every time
they mention those
pinkos, I see red.

Relax, Comrade.

-Ha! Ho-ho! Bingo!
-What-what-what?

We struck oil and gold!

-What is it?-The Timescrossword puzzle.

Oh, fantastic!

Okay, one down,
four letters.

-"Young fellow."
-Uh, chap.

Right.

One across.
"Member of the company."

Four letters.
Starts with a C.

Uh...cast.

Good.

That's kid stuff.

Ha-ha! Got a BB
right in her eyeball.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

MULCAHY: Six-letter word."Burrowing animal."

Frank Burns.

Too many letters.

But close.

Let's see,a burrowing animal.

-A Hepler!
-A what?

Louis Hepler. Kid I wentto high school with.

Got expelled for burrowinginto the girls' washroom.

Only guy I ever knew who gotflushed out of high school.

I don't think that's it.

Ferret!

I wonder how he
thought of that.

Probably looked
in the mirror.

The third letteris a P.

How about gopher?

Bingo!

Uh, I'm sorry.

Give us another one.

Six letters, begins with G,

and means scandalmonger.

Gossip.

Give that lady 14 inchesof perforated intestine.

-What would I do with that?-Make a clarinet.

Margaret, uh, trimthat rough edge there.

-I don't wanna
leave a bad scar.
-Yes, doctor.

Oh, why be so careful with aChinese prisoner of war, huh?

Frank, he's a human being.

They line our wounded upagainst a wall and hang 'em!

But, Major Burns, there isthe Christian ethic.

I know that!

I won a white
Bible at my church

for organ playing.
So lay off!

Never yell at
a priest, Burns.

It's a sure ticket
to hell. More suction.

It's a waste of time,
saving these slant eyes.

Burns, they're
also collateral.

I'm trying to arrange
a swap of their prisoners

for our prisoners.

Okay, finished.Can I help anybody?

I'm fine. Got this
bowel by the tail.

-B.J.?
-Done and done.

-Frank?-So you can take all thecredit, I suppose, huh?

I'm a perfectly
competent doctor.

122nd in a class of 200

and capable of handling
my own cases.

Just asking.

We're losing him, Doctor.

Pierce, help!

What are you cackling at,
Major Burns?

Nothing. Just a game to testyour manual dexterity.

It's excellent for surgeons.

How childish!

-That's pornographic.
-What is?

That girl.
She's practically nude.

There's nothing wrong withthe human body, Margaret.

And there's certainly nothingwrong with hers.

Oh, you have no idea
how silly you look

drooling over
that disgusting toy.

Well, a man hasto have something.

And I'm very lonely,Margaret.

You deserve to be.

Look at that skimpy
outfit she's wearing.

I could buy you one like it.

How would you like thatgame jammed in your ear?

Oh, don't make menervous, Margaret.

I'll shake my BBs loose.

It's too late, Frank.

All my life, I've never
been able to finish

a Timescrossword puzzle.

-One more word is all we need.-Shoot.

Thirty-eight across,
five letters,

begins with a V.

"Means a Yiddish bedbug."

Let's see. Yiddish,
Jewish, Hebrew...

God knows I've
read my Bible.

Did Moses
speak Yiddish?

Only when he wasplaying pinochle.

-Oh, Father.
-Yes, Hawk?

You know the termin Yiddish for "bedbug"?

In the Bible, there
are hosts of locusts,

plagues of vermin,and hordes of scorpions.

Boy, a lot of bedbugs
in those days.

Five letters,
starts with a V.

Why don't you ask
Corporal Shapiro?

He's sitting
right over there.

Oh, thanks, Padre.

-Mazel tov.
-Uh-huh.

Uh, Shapiro.

Oh, hi, y'all, Doc.

You know the Yiddishword for "bedbug"?

Sorry, Captain.

We been seven generations inGeorgia just raisin' cotton.

And old times thereare soon forgotten.

-Mazel tov.
-How's that, Captain?

Forget it.

Maybe that's it-- "bedbug."

What did Shapiro say?

Ah, he can't get thecotton out of his mouth.

Thank You, dear Lord,
for giving us this bounty

during trying times.
Amen.

So that's what this is,
roast bounty.

HAWKEYE: Does that help?

With a touch of ketchup.

Thank God for ketchup.

He just did.

I had a friend in college

used to make tomato soup

out of ketchup
and hot water.

That's it!

Tippy Brooks
is the answer.

What's the question?

The puzzle.
He's a crossword freak.

He does the double
crostic in ink.

Oh, your friend,the doctor,

-on the Essex.
-Right!

-The Essexis in Busan Harbor.-know!

Radar, come on,
let's get on the horn.

I haven't checkedmy bread for maggots.

Tell 'em
you'll be right back.

Come on.

I've got a guy in Seoulcontacting the Essex.

He's a radioman first class.

That's nice
for his mother.

I only know himby voice.

Stevens? Yeah, yeah!

I can hardly hear ya.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

His oatmeal cookiecaught fire in the ashtray.

-Gracious living.
-Did you put it out?

Oh, he lost his cookie,but he saved his raisins.

How come we don't
get raisins?

I saw some the other day,but they flew away.

That's right.Lieutenant Brooks.

He's a doctor on the Essex.

Uh-huh? Stevens?

Stevens, I canhardly hear y--

Oh, boy, he's fading.

Hawkeye, put your right handon the wastebasket

and hold your left hand out.

Will this blow outthe light bulb in my navel?

Uh-uh.B.J., you hold his hand,

and hold your left handstraight up.

You've got sweaty palms.

I'm new in radio.

Stevens? Right.

Okay, hold on.

Uh, Doctor Brooksis in surgery.

Tell him Hawkeye Pierce,MASH 4077, called.

And needs his help
desperately.

Right.Uh, Dr. Hawkeye Pierce,

MASH 4077, needshis help real bad.

-Right.
-Thanks, kid.

What? What?

I can't hear ya.My aerials walked out on me.

Ahh. Phew.

Hi, Klinger.How's it goin'?

I'm eating a jeep.

Good.

Colonel?

Radar, nointeroffice running.

-Yes, sir.
-Good news.

The Chinese have agreedto a prisoner exchange.

Terrific.
Sir, we got big problems.

Hawkeye locked Burnsin the nurses' latrine?

-No, sir, that was last Friday.-Time flies.

-Yes. It's Klinger.
-Rats in his blue wig?

No, sir, he's outside
having a picnic.

Annoying, but tolerable.

He's eating a jeep.

-I beg your pardon?
-He's eating a jeep.

Which one?

The one with
the squeaky seats.

Finally came upwith something fresh.

Uh-huh.

How do you see through
those filthy glasses?

I know whereeverything is.

There he is, sir.

"A" for effort, Klinger,but it won't work.

Watch this.

Oh, wow! Right down.

Dip it in a little30-weight motor oil,

pop it in, and let it
slide down the gullet

like a blue point oyster.

Colonel, he's crazy.

See? I got a witness!

You gotta give me a Section 8and send me home.

No dice.

If you don't throw me
out for being a nut,

you're nuttier than I am!

Sir.

Sir, he just atea piece of iron.

That, too, shall pass.

Okay, the second course.

How about that?

That dumb wiper
never worked anyway.

Cute idea, Klinger.
Now cancel the picnic.

You don't believe

I'm gonna eat this jeep,do you, sir?

Let's say I find it
hard to swallow.

Stick around, Colonel,and watch it disappear.

Klinger, if you want
to ruin your stomach,

eat in the mess tent.

I need this jeep forthe prisoner exchange.

Just once, I'd like
to sit down to a meal

and not be interrupted
by business.

Gee, Colonel, you thinkhe's gonna be all right?

Oh, he'll be fine.

We may have to slap himon the rack

and give him a lube job.

But he was eating nuts.

Squirrels do itall the time.

Won't that hurt him,
all that oil and metal?

He may slideout of bed tonight

and end up pointingat the North Pole.

You mean like a magnet?

If he gets real bad,

we'll stick himto the side of a boxcar

and send him down to Seoul.

Oh, you better tell the boysplaying horseshoes

to hold upwhen Klinger walks by.

Soldier, your repairsare over.

We're trading you inon a domestic model.

Should we turn back
his speedometer?

Against theGeneva Convention.

-You--
-Uh-huh.

Head.

Little tight around the crotch?

Soo Ling say thank you.

Captain Hawkeye Pierce
say you're welcome.

-Klinger, what is it?
-Something I ate.

I told you the food
here should not be
taken internally.

I had a couple of bolts,a horn button,

part of a windshield wiperand a condenser.

Well-balanced meal.

But crazy.

-Not crazy enough.
-I get it.

Baker, X-ray the
Lebanese for hardware.

He's in for a tune-up.

And try not to rattlewhen you walk.

Sir, this message
just come in for you.

It's from your friend
Lieutenant Brooks.

-He's on his way.
-On his way?

Yeah, he's coming here.He heard about the emergency.

-He's bringing an admiral.-An admiral?

Radar, there's
no emergency.

-There isn't?
-No.

No, we were working
on a crossword puzzle.

We needed a word.
Don't you remember?

Ooh, that's right.

But hey, Lieutenant Brooksis coming here,

and so's the admiral.

Boy, you guys are
in a lot of trouble.

Nice.

Sirs?

Where can I find
Dr. Pierce, Corporal?

Uh, that tent rightover there, sir.

Smells like dirty socks.

That jeep was
a kidney buster.

Soldier, the head?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Latrine.

Oh, it's rightover there.

-Thank you.
-Welcome.

Third hole pinches!

-Medicine's come
a long way, Beej.
-Mmm.

There was a time when
proctologists used candles.

O-O-Oh, that smarts!

-Tippy!
-Hawk.

What a hell
of a trip we had.

We left the carrier
this morning.

The chopper was forced
down at, uh, Taejon.

Then we got a cattle
train to Anseong.

Tracks were shelled.

Then we had to
walk for 10 miles

till a jeep picked us up.
But we made it.

Well, what's
the emergency, huh?

Uh, Tippy, this is
B.J. Hunnicutt.

-Uh, B.J., Tippy Brooks.-Hi. How ya doin'?

-Hi. We made it.
-Terrific.

What's the emergency,
huh?

Uh, you tell him.

He's your friend.

Tippy, I really didn't think

you'd come
all the way out here.

I just needed a five-letterYiddish word for "bedbug."

What?

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

What am I gonna
tell Admiral Cox?

Oh, he'll hang me
from the highest, uh,

um... whatchamacallit.

Uh, seven letters.
Starts with Y.

Yardarm.

-Th-Thanks.
-Yeah, look, sit down.

I know you're in a big jam,but first things first.

Do you know the word?

-Bedbug?
-Bedbug.

-Five letters.
-Five letters.

Yiddish.

Yiddish.

Hawkeye, will you stop?

Well, I thought as longas you were here.

Look, we reallyfigured you'd call back.

Boy, you guys have really
got me up the creek.

The admiral thinks we'rehere for a medical emergency.

What'll I tell him?

Well, I could holdmy breath for an hour.

We could say it'sa case of blue face.

You'd die.

Right now, a far,
far better thing than me

-being busted to J.G.
-J.G.?

They'll bust you
to John Garfield?

You sure surprised me whenyou walked in there, Admiral.

Caught me with my guard down.

The call of naturebeckons to everybody.

-Both army and navy.
-And the marines.

I'm not toosure about them.

-Coffee?
-Oh, fine.

Cox. Cox.
Is that with an X?

Yes.

That story you told me
about getting here

is a real rouser.

It's a wonder
you weren't killed.

Not that I'm not
glad to see ya,

but I can't help
wondering why you're here.

I was visiting the Essex

when your emergencycall came in.

I've always believed thatone branch in the service

has got to come tothe aid of the other.

Uh, right. Now, Admiral,

just go in
the mess tent here.

Order anything you want.

I wanna check
on this emergency.

Good. I haven't had a bitesince I left the carrier.

Specialty tonight was
Egyptian sauerkraut.

Egyptian?

Part of their
U.N. contribution.

Oh, I see.

We sent back the camels.

It's all a
misunderstanding, Colonel.

Getting an admiral herefor a crossword puzzle?

You guys are onefor the book.

-I'm sorry.
-He's sorry.

You were sorry

when you gave Major Burnsa chocolate-coated lizard.

It was Easter.

Now you've put yourbuddy's butt in a sling?

What are we gonna
tell the admiral?

Well, we gotta thinkof something legitimate.

I mean, he's no dummy.

He can see through a bulkhead.

Maybe we could run him
through post-op,

see what turns up there.

Okay, he's boundto find problems

he's never seenon a nice, clean ship.

Filth, do your stuff.

Hey, don't worry
about it.

We're in trouble
all the time.

Say goodbye, Dr. Pierce.

So long, Soo Ling.

Prisoner exchange.

-30 of theirs for 40 of ours.-It's a sale.

Did you bring us up here
just to show us that?

-Uh, no, no, Admiral.
-Of course not.

Here's a difficult case.

-Uh, Pierce?-Oh, thank you, Colonel.

Uh, following
routine extraction of
shrapnel from the leg,

this patient displayed,uh, unusual dehydration.

An insatiableneed for liquids.

Like a drink, soldier?

Eh, no, thank you.I'm not thirsty.

I can't thank you
enough, Admiral.

-It's a miracle.-Can we get on with this?

Yeah, let's get
on with this.

Okay, let's get
on with this.

-Um...
-Admiral, this is
Corporal Klinger.

What is it, soldier?

I'm dying...

Huh?

Klinger!

Sorry. I usually don't
kiss on a first date.

What kind of a placeare you running here?

This case is very
unusual, Admiral.

-This case has
a screw loose.
-Close.

Baker, get us
Klinger's X-ray.

Admiral, if you
can't send me home,

can I transfer to the Navy?

Look at that sonar.

He could smell
a sub at 30 fathoms.

Nuts, bolts, knobs?

This guy'sfull of machinery.

-He was trying to eat a jeep.-Eat a jeep?

He shouldn't evenbe in the service!

I love you!

Aah!

Only take me a minute

to pack my makeup kit
and hair rollers.

Stop it!

You've got no emergencyhere, Potter.

We have wastedvaluable time!

Now, I am gonna seethere's an investigation!

Come on, Brooks.Let's get out ofthis loony bin.

There's been a
terrible accident!

Civilians!
They're all burned!

Crank up the O.R. generator!We'll need plenty of plasma.

Oh, watch out.
Kellye!

-Careful now.
-Get 'em inside.

Easy.

We have to bring them
in pre-op

and treat 'em in O.R.

MARGARET:Father Mulcahy!

-NURSE: Hold his arm.
-Easy.

Easy. Get herinto pre-op. Move it.

Father, straight into O.R.

-Napalm?
-No, sir. Gasoline.

-All right, get him into O.R.-Let's go.

-Easy. Go easy now.
-What a mess!

There's caps and masks
in the scrub room, Tippy.

Right.

We've got a baby here!

KLINGER: Okay, I'll help.

-Okay.
-Easy. Easy now.

-You got her?
-Yep.

You a corpsman?

The best in
the business, Dad.

An army fuel truckturned over in a ditch.

The Koreans were soaking upthe gasoline with rags.

-What for?-To use in their lamps.

-Wonderful.-Then you know what happened?

When it got dark, they couldn'tsee what they were doing,

-so some guy lit a match.-And a few of his friends.

More plasma.

-You got enough morphine?
-We'll get by.

Got one who can't breathe.
Smoke inhalation.

-Bad enough for a tracheotomy?-Yep.

-You want help?
-I got it.

I can't fix your armuntil you give me the kid.

Come-- I insistyou give me the kid!

Well, if youcan't speak English,

why don't you go backwhere you came from?

Major Burns, let me help.

It's a wasteof time, Father!

They're heathen.

We're all God's children.

Oh, really?

It's just that some of us

are more childish than others.

Margaret, 500 of
Ringer's lactate.

-Yes, doctor.-B.J.: Klinger, post-op.

-Klinger.
-Sir?

Your nose slipped
out of its bra.

Sorry, ladies.

Give ya a hand,Colonel?

-Pierce?
-Yes, Admiral?

I've debrided the burnand applied the dressing.

-Anything more I can do?-Not a thing,

unless you want to
sign up for a year.

No, thanks.You guys work too hard.

Seven hours in surgery.

And on top of it,Egyptian sauerkraut.

Is that coffee?

Powdered milk,but she won't take it.

HAWKEYE:That kid wasn'tborn yesterday.

This is Seoul City Sue.

Time for the commercial.

I have a special message

for the members of MASH 4077.

-Hey!
-We're on the radio.

One of the prisoners
you returned

has had head surgery

for the purpose of
inhuman experiments.

We brand Dr. Hawkeye Pierce a war criminal.

-A war criminal?-All I did was stitch upthat guy's scalp.

What was I supposed to do,let him bleed to death?

Turn the other cheek,
Hawkeye.

Both cheeks are already sore.

That dame lies as muchas my sister-in-law Bertha.

You know, that really
roasts my butt.

Why don't we put outsome propaganda of our own?

Like what, Admiral?

Like those burn victims.

Why don't we say
they were firebombed

by the enemy becausethey cooperated with us?

Why should we say that?

Because it's a veryeffective weapon, Pierce.

Every time they
put out something,

we should put out
something worse.

They lie and then we lie.Where does it end?

Oh, maybe you're right.But it still steams me.

It steams me too, but it'sgotta stop somewhere.

Oh, she simply won't
take powdered milk.

She needs fresh.

I wish we had a goat.

Let me try, Father.

Hi. Can I see you
for a little bit?

Let me see you for
a little bit, huh?

Get a little
of this stuff.

You want the cup?

Ba-a-a-ah.

MULCAHY: Oh,
she's taking the milk.

Now that's propaganda.

I can't tell you
how grateful I am

for the way you twopitched in.

Uh, glad we could help.

Can he drive all right?

Sure.That's his driving hat.

Oh, one more thing. Pierce,

you obviously didn'tneed us when you called.

Why did you get us up here?

Well, I'm sorry, Admiral.It was a misunderstanding.

We needed help witha crossword puzzle.

A crossword puzzle?

We were stuck.

A five-letter Yiddishword for bedbug.

I don't believe it.

You dragged us all
the way up here

just to get
the word vontz?

Vontz!

Vontz!

Beej, it's vontz!

Good luck, Admiral.

Now, look, we've
got plenty of time.

There's no need to speed.

Aye, aye, sir.

And, Klinger, no kissing!

I got
14 BBs in the holes.

Now only one more to go.

Want some help
with that?

I can manage by myself,thank you.

You're welcome.

You're spending a lotof time and energy

on that fool thing.

Well, I've almost-- Ahh...

Aha! I got it! Ha ha!

Last one right in her nose.

All 15!

-Look! Look!
-Very nice, Frank.

-Oh, no.

What happened?

Well, I had it,
and you jiggled it.

I did?

You did it on purpose.

Every time I do something
special, you spoil it.

So do it again.

Do it again, he says. Hmph!

Three days. Three days.