Original subtitles

Staff duty log, 13 June.

Corporal Walter O'Reilly, company clerk, 06:00 hours.

The friendly old sun showed his friendly, hot face

over the mountains of purple majesty,

as though he was salutating, Good morning to all.

Alas, alack, the peaceful quietness

was detonated by a herd of chopper

transportizing punctured personnel.

But our gallant doctors, the miracle medical mortals,

are ever ready to treat the sick.

The wounded were aided copiously

by super-smart surgeons

whose knowledge is superseded by nobody I know.

Together or apart, they work as a team.

Skilled hands with their fingers work dedicatedly

to keep death away from its maximum.

POTTER: Radar, what is this cow flubdubbery?

Sir?

All this "miracle medical mortals" hooey.

What are you doin' to my duty log?

I was just adding a hintof self-expression, sir.

Better fill me in, son.

And use simple sentences.

Well, sir,I've been accepted

by the famousLas Vegas Writers' School.

"Serving the creative community since 1950."

-Right.-How'd you stumble onto this?

Superman, sir.

-He take the course? -No, sir.

On the backof his comic book.

See, right next to the adfor the X-ray glasses?

I sent 'em an exampleof my writings,

and they said that I hadextraordinary potential.

How much they stick you for?

Just $50, plus a five-dollarstudent activity fee,

but it's really worth it.

They show you all the writers' secrets

like, uh, verbs and semicolons

and all that good stuff.

Sounds like the original shell game to me.

Oh, no, it's no game, sir.

This school is run bysome very famous writers

like Hemingway andSteinbeck and O'Neill.

"Ethel Hemingway, Jerry Steinbeck, Eunice O'Neill."

-Right. -Uh-huh.

Look at page 3.

"Writers are special people.

"In a crowd, they are glib and articulate.

Everyone respects the man who writes well."

Can you imagine, sir?

In just 10 weeks, I canbe respected by a crowd.

An admirable goal, Radar.

But the army doesn't need creative writing.

-Save it for your novel.-Thank you, sir.

I'll dedicate my first book after you.

Uh, better let meread it first.

Okay.

Ah, foot fault!

Your foot left the court.You don't get the point.

It never touched the floor.

Come on, Pancho.I saw it hit.

What's the difference?

I'm gonna geta ruling on this.

Frank, did you seehis foot leave the bunk?

Earth calling Major Burns.

Hmm? You want something, Pierce?

What's so absorbing, Junior?

It's an interestingarticle about Sweden.

Ah, learning tobe a meatball?

I'm reading about theirrising suicide rate.

-Just killing time?-Ah, go peddle your petunias.

Come on, you readyfor my killer serve?

All right,this has been clocked atover five miles an hour.

Lay it on me.

Ah! Ha ha! 21!

On to Wimbledon!

I'm... oh, this must be the press

asking me how it feels to be a winner.

Go ahead. Ask me how it feels.

-Uh, how do you feel, sir?-What a stupid question.

Cancel the interview.

Actually, I come in hereto ask you two guys a favor.

What is it, Radar?

Well, uh, you see, I, uh,

I found this real neat way to improve myself.

-Don't change a hair for me.-Not if you care for me.

I enrolled in this writers' school by mail.

Yeah, how does that work?

They send you tiny teachersin little envelopes?

-For short stories? -Now, come on, guys.

I'm having trouble with my first assignment.

I have to relate an amusing anecdote,

and I don't think I ever had an anecdote.

-Not even a small one?-I have some in my footlocker.

-What size do you wear? -Come on, will ya?

All right, I got an amusing anecdote,

but promise you won't laugh.

Okay, fine. Yeah, good. Here.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

This happened while I was in my first year

-of medical school. -Right.

I was taking an exam in anatomy.

It was really tough. They asked questions

like "How many bones are there in the hand?"

I was stymied. I kept saying to myself,

"How many bones are there in the hand?"

And then I heard this little voice that said,

"24."

I looked around the room, and there,

sitting over on thewindowsill of the classroom,

was this little gray squirrel with a very intelligent face.

And he pointed at his hand, and he said, "24."

So I wrote it down.

And then, after the exam,

I rushed over to the library to look it up.

And would you believe it?

That stupid squirrel was wrong by four bones!

I went looking all over the campus for him.

I wanted to kill him. And I finally found him

over on a bench by the psych department.

"You were wrong!" I screamed at him.

"There's 28 bones in the human hand!"

"Oh," he said, pointing at his hand.

"I thought you meant a squirrel's hand."

I don't thinkI can use that story.

Do you want me to make one up?

Frank, help us out.We need a funny anecdote.

I don't feel very funny.

Aw, come on. Be a pal.

Oh, yes, sir? Please, sir?

-Would you, please? -Well...

There's one that always breaks me up.

Seems we had this little sickly kid

that lived on our block, named Timmy.

And he used to sit out on his porch in his wheelchair

and wave at us as we walked by--

sort of...

Well, one day, while he was waving,

he lost control of his chair,

and it rolled down the stairs,

across the lawn,

and crashed into my dad's car.

Ha ha ha ha! Boy, was that funny!

That must have been awful.

Nah, just scratched the paint a little.

Well, I hope Timmy wasn't hurt.

Well, what's the difference?His folks had money.

Frank, that was notan amusing anecdote.

You guys have got no sense of humor.

All you know how to do is pick,pick, pick.

Is there anything I can do to please you?

Tap dance inthe minefield.

Drop yourself on North Korea.

Oh, fish. That's the last timeI tell a joke to you guys.

Maybe I should just go

to assignment number two.

Let's see, uh...

Describe a beautiful scene outside your window.

Maybe assignment number three.

Radar, why the sudden interestin creative writing?

Oh, I need it.

You see, more and more, a man is judged

by how good he expresses himself.

-Where'd you get that? -Page 5.

What do you mean you'reout of tapioca pudding?

I saw some enlisted meneating some!

That's why we're out, Major.They ate it all.

Well, it's not fair.

You run this placelike a bunch of babies.

I'm sorry.

Well, you should be.It's my birthday.

And I always havetapioca pudding on my birthday.

How was I supposed to know?

Well, you could have asked.

Happy birthday, Major.

Never mind.You spoiled it for me,

and I hope you're satisfied.

Would you like an extra hunk of liver?

Soldier, I'm confiscatingthis tapioca.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, sir.

Don't threaten me.

Mmm, with raisins.

No, sir. Flies.

Some birthday this turned out to be.

Why, Frank, you didn'ttell us it was your birthday.

It's not important. What's the difference? Nobody cares.

Aw, you're being toohard on yourself, Frank.

Here, here,I'll prove it to you.

Hey, everybody,guess what.

Today's Major Burns'birthday.

-See? -They're delighted.

Birthdays are hell.

So are wars, Frank,

but we keep oncelebrating them every year.

Well, who cares about wars? This really hurts.

Maybe we shouldtake up a collectionand get him a gift.

What can you buy for a dime?

I know, I know. Everything looks so good.

What'll you have?

I'll havea modicum of hash

and a smatteringof potatoes.

You been out in the sun again?

No. I'm adding muscleto my vocabulary.

I'm taking thiscorrespondence course by mail.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

These mail things are great.

My friend Vito met his wife that way.

She was a pen pal?

No, she was a mailman.

What a provocative anecdote.

Watch your mouth!

Uh, Father, excuse me.

Do you mindif I sit here?

Oh, certainly not, Radar.

Father, uh, do you have a mostunforgettable character?

Oh, your writing class, eh?

Yes, sir.

Well, without a doubt,

I'd have to name my sister Sister Theresa.

She's a Benedictine in San Diego.

Oh, I'm sorryto hear that, sir.

Oh, no. She teaches in the seminary there.

She also plays guard on their basketball team.

You know, she can slam dunk

while wearing a heavy crucifix.

Oh! Now we'regettin' somewhere!

This used to be

the most important day of the year for me.

I looked forward to it for months.

There used to be parties in my honor.

Cards, gifts and--

What do I get around here, huh? Nothing.

Nada.Zilch. Zippo. The big goose egg.

And look at you.

You got a Purple Heart,

and it's not even your birthday.

What is it? What do you want?

-Nothing, Frank. -We came to work.

Oh, sure.Came in to spy on me.

We just came to relieve you.

I didn't do anything wrong.

And you keep your handsoff this Purple Heart!

And that was one of his more lucid moments.

Why don't we shoot him andput him out of our misery?

That or just find something to lift his spirits.

Yeah, we could calloff the peace talks.

We could have Margaret's fiancé

transferred to the European theater.

Get him a seatin the balcony.

You know, you and I could have a fight

and beat each other's brains out.

-Oh, Frank would love that.-Right.

That would giveFrank instant joy

to see us at eachother's throats.

Let's do it.

It is the perfect giftfor the man who has nothing.

We'd have to be pretty convincing.

Well, it's easy to fakea fight with a jerk like you.

Nah, who'd believe I couldn'ttake a noodle like you out

with one punch?

Maybe you oughta fight Radar.

This is gonna be the bestbirthday of Frank's whole life.

I don't wanna hear about it!

I gave you your assignment,and that's that!

Then why don't youwork the shift with me?

Because I'm chief surgeon.

If you don't like it,go join another army.

What's going on, fellas?

It's a good thing we're friends.

Otherwise, you'd have meon duty 24 hours.

That can bearranged, buster.

Oh, this isn't a fight, is it?

Don't you turn your back on me.

How are you gonna workwith your nose in a sling?

-Boys, easy.-I'm not working theshift alone, Pierce!

All right, I'm gonnalet Frank decide.

Oh, leave me out of it.

I like the way you guysare working it out.

All right, I'm gonnasee what the colonel

-has to say about this.-Oh, sure, the colonel.

Oh!

Wow, you guys are reallymad at each other.

Boy, you think you know a guy.

All of a sudden,he pulls rank.

-Gee, what a shame. -Some friend.

-The guy's a two-faced rat!-Oh, that's pretty strong.

-How would you put it?-Well, maybe you're right.

He's so competitive,so childish.

Always has tocome out on top.

-Always has to get in the last word. -I know.

-He's impossible! -Impossible.

Here he comes. Let's pretendwe're talking about him, okay?

You're lucky, Hunnicutt.Potter's taking a nap.

Forget it. I'd rather work the shift alone

than be stuck in here with you!

You--

The air feels betterin here already!

Don't you wanna tell Potter?

Wake him up. He won't mind.

Don't worry. That lazycrumb will get his.

If you want, I'll be a witness.

I'll bet he called meevery name in the book.

Oh, let's see. Uh, two-faced, rat fink,

and, uh, uh, ferret face.

He called me ferret face?

Well, he was so mad, he thought you were me.

That's his style.

-He called you a sore loser.-Sore loser?

Well, he thinks you're too competitive.

You know, hate to lose,

always have to get in the last word, childish.

-He said that? -Yeah, every syllable.

But you didn't hear it from me.

Boy, he must reallybe desperate.

That is so dumb,it's ridiculous.

I hate to lose?

-He said that? -Uh-huh.

1600 hours.

The sun, in its crimson radiance,

bids a crepuscular adieu to another day.

Corporal Klinger was in his last grisly hour of guard duty,

little knowing the fate

that destiny had planned up for him.

The Chinese were giving up in hordes.

Sergeant Fierman brought in three prisoners

that he had captured

after they had surrendered voluntarily.

The sergeant bragadeered to Corporal Klinger

that capturing prisoners meant points towards discharge

and early homeward bounding.

This information inspired Klinger a whole lot.

The vainglorious corporal ran like a bird

and sped off in quest of Chinese giver-uppers.

But destiny exterminated his luck.

The Chinese G.I.s had not seen women

in an overexcited period of time.

Klinger barely "excaped" with his purity still clean,

and in the process ruining his finest frockery.

The corporal re-arrived with his dignity dented

and his non-chalantness not so nifty.

Enough, boy! Enough!

This whole unit isgonna get a Section 8.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

It's just that I need the practice.

Radar, duty logs havegot to be military.

If headquarters sees this,they'll rip off my epaulets.

-Won't happen again, sir.-Thank goodness.

But, Colonel, what is your actual civilian opinion of my writing?

Son, Ethel Hemingwaymay say I'm wrong,

but I don't thinktoo much of it.

Why, sir?

'Cause none of that's you.

It sounds like youswallowed a dictionary.

But I'm just doing what the book says.

Throw the book away!

I'm no authority,

but it seems tome the first rule,

if you wanna be a writer,is be yourself.

Be yourself.

Must come later.

What are you doing out here?

Waiting for a ride home.

You ought to see Frank. He's a new man.

Good. I didn'tlike the old one.

It's good to hear himlaughing in the morgue again.

Which one of us you think is gonna get the Oscar?

Me, I hope. You knowhow much I hate to lose.

Ha ha ha! Right.

Did you really say that to Frank?

Yeah. I was just looking forsomething to knock you with.

It really bugs you

when I call youon foot faults, doesn't it?

Are you kidding?

Why else would you sayI hate to lose?

I don't know.It just popped into my head.

You really do think I'mtoo competitive, don't you?

That I always have toget the last word in?

Well, yeah.

You don't know mevery well, do you?

Maybe I know you better than you think I do.

Oh, re--Oh, you think so?

I always have to getthe last word in?

Yes, that's right.

I can prove to youright now--

-Oh, come on! -No, I can, really.

Just say somethingand walk away.

All right.

I think you're a very competitive person.

Fine.

-You just did it. -Did what?

Just got in the last word.

-That doesn't count.-Then don't say anything.

-Okay. -You're impossible.

-I'm impossible? -Yes.

Shut up, close your mouth.

Don't say another word.

Okay.

Not another word!

No problem.

It's no use!

Wrong.

Oh, uh,Major Houlihan, ma'am.

-Can I ask you a question?-You just did.

No. It'sfor my writing course.

Ma'am, I have to writeabout a romantic interlude,

and I don't thinkI ever had one.

What makes you think I have?

Well, everyone knowsthat you're engaged.

-Yes, of course. -Well--

And Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott

is the most romantic man I've ever met.

Right.Well, may I ask, then,

have you and himever interluded?

-Many times. -Oh.

I remember once,

we were sipping wine in a restaurant in Tokyo,

and a man came by our table--

a big man, must have weighed 250 pounds.

And he brushed my leg.

Naturally, I was alarmed, and Iscreamed.

And Donald,

without any thought to his personal safety,

got up and he was ready to punch that man in the mouth.

Oh, that's terrific.What happened?

He got bit in the leg.

The guy bit him?

No, no, the man's Seeing Eye dog.

Jesus.

Oh, what the devil'she up to now?

I wouldn't stick aroundunless I had a strong stomach.

Oh, my. He's gonna immolate himself!

Ooh!

Uh, hold on, son. Don't do that.

Too late, Colonel.

I'm finally gonna get my discharge.

I'm going home in a butt can.

Just think about what you're doin', boy.

Here, toss me those matches.

So long, war.

Goodbye, K.P. Adios, Korea.

Sprinkle my ashes over Toledo.

Klinger, put down those matches.

-We can work this out. -What he said.

What's the use, Colonel?

Well, give me a chance!

Come on over to my office.

Over to the office.

Well, okay.

Save my spot.

Good choice, son.

Hurry it up, Colonel. I'm a busy man.

Relax, Klinger. Where's the fire?

Sorry.

I'll take anything you got--

honorable, general, medical, whatever.

Klinger, I appreciatehow much you hate this place,

but you'vegotta understand,

it's not in my power.

Colonel, I understand only one thing:

you're gonna give me a discharge or poof!

Klinger, I want to help,

but I can't send you home.

Do you ever see a Lebanese go up in flames?

It's not pretty.

Would you settle forsome time back in Seoul?

Uh-uh. Freedom or fire.

Anything but a free ride.

You're a tough cookie, Sherm,

but you're not as tough as me.

I hope you can live with yourself.

Klinger, please.

Remember me atyour next weenie roast.

Klinger, what am I gonna tell your wife?

Tell her I'd like tobe kept in a blue jar.

That's my best color.

Son, you'll regret this for the rest of your life.

I...shall not return.

Shall I pour?

Who put gasoline in my gasoline?

Stay away from me with that cigar!

Everybody, back!

-Don't anybody light a match!-

Having a good time, Frank?

Well, I'm the birthday boy. Ha ha ha!

Evening, Captains, Major.

What are you doing in here?

Uh, come to find somebody smart

to help me with my studies.

Well, don't look at me.

How's the writing going, Radar?

Uh, Colonel Pottersays that I shouldjust be myself,

but I don't know how to do that.

It's simple.

Stop using fancy words.

Stop trying to find amusing anecdotes

and write about somethingyou really want to write about.

Like what?

Like Iowa, or, uh, your animals or your uncle Ed.

-Something you feel strongly about. -Strongly?

Like, if I were gonna write,I'd probably write

about how easilyfriends can turn on you.

Yeah, friends will kill you every time.

I don't think I understand.

People forget about loyalty.

They forget you shouldn't make up vicious rumors about somebody

-while his back is turned.-Yep.

Well, if I was gonna write,

I'd probably write about beingtoo suspicious and resentful.

How about maligning a person's character?

-What? -Overreacting,

always trying toget in the last word.

-Right. -See?

-No.-This is all good stuff, guys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait just a second.

Uh, I think I foundsomething that Ifeel strongly about.

How do you feel about shutting up?

You know, my--my chest feels tight.

What's the matter?

It's you two guys fighting.

It makes me sick.

Don't you know that Icome in here to the Swamp

to feel good,have a little laugh?

It's because you two guys get along so good.

No, those days are over now. Get out of here.

Go on, Radar.

Well, it's just youtwo guys are terrific,

the way you work togetherand laugh together

and stick together.

I mean, I know you're always foolin' around,

but you're always therewhen the other guy needs ya.

Now you're getting mushy.

No, I'm not.

A lot of guys in the armysay they're friends,

but these guys really are...

except for now.

Yeah, well...

we're not really that mad at each other, Radar.

Are we?

Nah.

We're just play acting.

We just wanted to give Frank a birthday present.

We wanted tomake him happy.

We were fighting to entertain you, Frank.

And it was wonderful! I loved it!

Party's over, Frank.Happy birthday.

It's your fault, you little creep!

-Huh? -You little buttinsky!

They were doing just fine tillyou stuck your nose in here!

I was just tryingto improve myself.

Improving yourself is a waste of time.

Frank should know.He gave up long ago.

Geez, it was going so well, too.

A perfectly good birthday shot to hell!

Boy!

Here.

I'll buy you a drink.

Thanks.

Here's to you, Radar.

One of a kind.

So are you two.

You still love me for all my faults?

What faults?You're perfect.

Just for that, I'm gonna let you

get the last word in.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Dear Mom, I gave up on the writing course

on account of I found out I can write better as myself

than Hemingway, O'Neill, or any of those other bums.

And it doesn't cost me anything.

Give my love to everybody,

especially my nephews.

Simplistically yours...

Walter.

And now, from Ottumwa, Iowa,

deep in the mysterious Midwest,

the world's first magician/clerk/typist,

-the amazing Radaro. -Yay!

Ha ha ha!

Ahem. The hand isquicker than the eye.

Ahem.

Oh, a rabbit.

No, flowers.

You could have fooled me.

-There's a trick to that.-

Now, would a gentlemanor a lady in the audience

please lend me their watch?

Use Frank's.

All right.

Sir, would you please placeyour watch in this cloth?

We have the cloth...

and a hammer.

And now...

He will destroy the watch.

I've seen this. There's nothing to it.

He slipped the watch into his pocket

when we weren't looking.

Sir, I think we made a little mistake.

You little creep! You wrecked it!

I got this from one of my whiplash patients.

Smashing trick, Radar.

This watch was worth 14 bucks!

I'm just a beginner.

Time for your next trick, Radar.

-Vanish into thin air. -Right.

-Corporal!-It was just a rehearsal!