Original subtitles

You tell Mr. Yee to vamoose.

This is an army hospital, not Macy's.

Colonel sayMr. Yee gotta go.

Nice translation, Radar.

Thank you, sir.

-How much for the lighter?-Ask him how much for the lighter?

Uh, five dollar for lighter.

Four dollar if Mr. Yee can stay

for "going out of business sale."

Make it three dollarsand he can stayfor another hour.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Yee.

Come along, Radar.

What the hellis that?

Oh, it's a spirit post, sir.

Locals put it here to drive away evil spirits.

Get it off the road.It's blocking traffic.

-Me? -Yes, you.

You don't put any stock inany of those things, do you?

Uh, no, I... but, uh...

All right.

Help that man up there!

I knew it. I knew it!

Oh, come on, Frank. That stuff kills through the nose.

-Tough tiddlywinks. -What is that poison?

-Eau de swamp gas. -Watch it! That was a gift from a friend.

If you're trying to getMargaret to notice you,this won't help.

-Your relationship already stinks.-Give it to me, you twit!

--Now look what you did.

You cracked my mirror in two.

HAWKEYE: Now you have one for each face.

You're gonna haveseven years of bad luck.

-Or two weeks in Korea,whichever's worse.

Sirs, the P.A. system conked out.

There's lots of incoming wounded.

Thanks, Radar. Frank,you're a stark raving birdbrain.

Don't insult mein front of enlisted men,and that's an order.

-Radar, would you mind?-Gladly, sir.

-Frank, you'rea stark raving birdbrain.-That's better.

-That is better.-I like it a lot better.

Frank, my finger'sin the clamp!

Oh, is it? Sorry.

-Idiot!-Well, nobody's perfect.

That's what I thoughttill I met Donald Penobscott.

Oh, Donald Penobscott, Donald Penobscott!

I'm sick and tired of hearing about him.

It's about time you fixed that, wacko.

-I heard that. -If I had my way,

I'd boot you out of this man's army.

I like your thinking, sir.

Three bulbs in one day.

As if things aren't tough enough.

They say bad luck comes in threes, sir.

Does that mean Frank Burns is a triplet?

Oh, jam it in your Jell-O, Pierce.

I'm getting dark blood here.What's his pressure?

110 over 74.

Much too deep.

Well, it's the gauge.

It's stuck or broken.

How does a gauge break in the middle of an operation?

Oxygen, quick!

Somebody's wearingenough aftershave at50 cents a bottle

-to put us all under. -Fifty cents?

Is that all you spent?

I haven't smelledanything like thatsince World War I.

A Parisian house ofinstant happiness,

which I smelled inpassing, of course.

-Ow! -Give yourselfa Purple Heart, Colonel.

And a purple finger.

We've met before, haven't we?

You're Corporal...

-Marsh. -Right.

Des Moines, Iowa.I was hit in the same legtwo months ago.

They have no respect for my work.

Doc, uh, how's it look?

You're gonna be just fine, Corporal.

However, I don't thinkyou're gonna wanna stayawake for this.

Nurse.

Hey, is that Father Mulcahy?

The one and only.

Ah, Corporal Marsh. Are you here again?

Yeah, and without mySaint Christopher medal.

I must have lost it somewhere.

Well, I'll replace it, son.

Shall we?

Knife.

A thousand pardons, sir.

You did that on purpose!

I'm confining you to quarters!

I'm confining you to quarters, too.

Give me all your nickels and dimes.

Keep your petticoats out of my face.

And you keep your eyes closed.

Screwball.

-HAWKEYE: Was that a curse, Klinger? -Yes, sir.

It starts the day he goes home to his wife.

Margaret, you squirted saline all over me!

I'm sorry.It was an accident.

Yeah, accident, I'll bet.

My astrologist told meit was a bad year for war.

How do youexplain it, Father?

Bishop O'Hara at the seminaryhad a brilliant explanation

for phenomena such as these.

He said, "That's the way the ball bounces."

The man should be canonized.

Marsh here was canonized,twice in the same leg.

You all knowwhat day this is?

Friday the 13th.

She's right. And...

Nah, doesn't mean a thing.

HAWKEYE:Don't say that, Frank.

I once spent Friday the 13th

in a haunted house with a friend.

I was never more frightened in my life.

Did you see a ghost?

No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.

My aunt once talked tothe spirit of Sigmund Freud.

That's impossible.

How come he senther a bill?

Somebody down heredoesn't like us.

Some of the nativesthink it's evil spirits.

-The savages. -Frank, those savages

were printing withmovable type in 1403.

He's right. I was in 1402,

and the noise kept me awake all night.

The Koreans practice almostevery religion known to man,

including shamanism.

Shamanism?

The belief that spirits inhabit trees and houses and people.

Diddly poo.

That's the spirit, Frank.

Jumpin' Jehosaphat!

We gotta be jinxed.

Now, let's stopthe malarkey

about evil spirits,bad luck and jinxes.

That stuff comes rightoff the stable floor.

From now on,nothing will go wrong.

Except the lights.

Hold it a second.

-How's the leg, Marsh? -Hey, great, Doc.

-Hey, you seein' me off?-Nope, I'm runnin' you out of town.

-Don't you show yourface around here again.-I'll try my best.

Your best and Father Mulcahy's medal should do it.

I never got that medal.

You didn't? He forget?

No, no, they'reshipping me out early.

He's in post-op. You want me to get him?

Don't bother, sir.It can wait tillI'm stateside.

-You sure? -Yeah.

All right. Take it easy.

Okay.

-Here's the lighter fluidfor your lighter, Colonel.-No fluid, Radar.

What it needsis lighter fluid.

These things dry up,you know.

It was full when you bought it.

Well, it's dry now.

And when are theyfixin' the P.A. System?

Probably not till tomorrow.

The electrician's resting over at Rosie's Bar.

-Resting?-He was fixing the wires,

and it shot him through the wall.

Shocking.

May I, Colonel?

Always a pleasureto see you, Padre.

Sir, the Marsh boy leftbefore I could replace

his St. Christopher medal.

Is there any way I can get it to him?

-Radar? -Uh, there's another ambulance leaving

for the 123rd at 1400 hours, sir.

The driver could personally deliver it in person.

Voilà.

Radar, sometimes I thinkyou deserve a medal.

No, no thank you, Father. I'm Protestant.

Ah.

About time, Klinger.

I've been moving my tail, sir.

We've had a rash of mysterious blowouts.

You got a rash? Use talcum.

Spirits at workagain, Corporal?

Weird things have been happening, Father.

Igor hasn't drawn better than two pair in poker

-since Friday. -Oh, my.

And I ripped four nylons in a week.

You're giving me goose bumps.

A stray bomb comes from out of nowhere.

Blows up a shipment of chipped beef.

What do you call that?

A gift from heaven.

Me? I'm playin' it safe.See this?

-This wards off evil spirits.-A blue bead?

I'm not wearin' it 'cause itgoes well with the organdy...

which it does like a dream.

POTTER: That's crazy, Klinger.

I'm not taking any chanceswith the evil eye.

Is there any such thing?

I came from a long lineof short-nosed people.

One day, my grandfather's camel spit in the eye

of the village witch.

Ever since then, we've been growin' 'em like this.

Would you twoplease excuse me?

I have a serious technicalproblem to wrestle with.

Yes, sir. And thank you, sir.

What are you doing, Radar?

Oh, I'm nailing upa horseshoe, sir.

I can see that. Who asked you to?

Oh, I won it fromIgor in a poker game.

He says it comeoff a Man o' War.

That shoe came off Cousin Elmer's plow horse.

Take it down.

-Down, sir? -Yeah, down.

I never swallowed that bilge water

about horseshoes and good luck,

and I'm not about to start.

On the other hand, it isan attractive ornament.

I kind of figured you'd kind of figure it that way, sir.

And, uh, Radar, the end should point up,

so the luck doesn't run out.

Hmm.

Stretcher bearers, on the double!

Uh, let's see what we got here.

All right. He's not so bad.This one can wait.

This one can't. He's in shock.

Give me a unit of whole blood!

Not Corporal Marsh again.

Corporal Flypaper.I can't get him offmy hands.

If only I'd gotten his medal to him in time.

-What happened?-The old man stepped infront of the ambulance.

I cut to miss him,but hit him anyway.

-Wound up in a ditch. -Put him down.

-How is he?-He's gonna need surgery.

Well, he's not gonna get it here, Pierce.

This man's a whiplash hustler.

Frank, if hedoesn't get help,

he's gonna die beforeyou can bat a whiplash.

-A whiplash hustler?-Yeah, Korea's crawlingwith 'em.

Step in front of a U.S. Army vehicle,

fake an injury, and then sue Uncle Sam for all he's got.

He's right aboutthe fake injury.Look at the fake blood.

He's a hustler. She's an ambulance chaser.

I'm his granddaughter, Kyong Ja.

Kyong Ja, tell the majorit wasn't deliberate

before he calls outa firing squad.

But it was deliberate.

-Ha! -It's true.

Some people pretend to have accidents,

as the major says.

But others are like my grandfather.

They believe they are followed by evil spirits.

Oh, yes, they step infront of moving vehicles

-to scare the spirits away.-Exactly.

They also hope the driverwill understand and stopin time.

Move him into pre-op.

You're not touching him, Pierce.

-Do you read me? -Like a comic book.

Shall we?

HAWKEYE:Hey, hey. Calm down.

He's afraid.He wants to leave.

I'm a better surgeon than I look.

It's the spiritshe fears, not you.

The only spirits around here are the ones we drink.

At his age, it's uselessto reason with him.

He says, remove him.

If the evil spirits don't get him,

he'll kill himself.

All right, let's get him out of here.

You know, if he doesn't get surgery, he's gonna die.

I'm afraid itcannot be done.

Unless it's done his way.

What's his way?

The evil spirits must beexorcised from this place.

Well, exercise is good for you.

We'll send 'em on a five-mile hike.

You believe inspirits too?

I don't, but he does.

He insists on leaving and treating himself.

With what, Chinese herbs?

They're his traditional medicine.

All he's gonna get out of Chinese herbs

is a bad cup of tea.

And he'll die beforehe can read the leaves.

Could you please do as he wishes?

-What, exorcise the spirits?-Yes!

Well, I'll try anything once.

Acetyl, salicylic,phenobarb and arsphenamine.

My God, it worked.

Put a cork in that laugh, you little twerp.

-I will in a minute, sir.-Now!

Right.

The exorcism would have tobe performed by a priestess.

Once the spiritsare gone,

my grandfatherwill let you operate.

We haven't got time for that.

She's only a mile away.

I can drive her, sir.

You do that, Radar.

You do that, Radar, and I'll have your stripes!

You look lousy in stripes, Frank.

Go ahead, Radar.

Hey, now, just a minute, bub.

U.S. Regulations do not allow

for heathen ritualson government property.

Dangerous talk, Frank.

If the spirits heard you say that,

they'd turn you into a pumpkin,

-or a dedicated doctor.-Oh, bunko, junko.

-Run along, Radar. -Permission to run along denied.

Permission to deny denied.

You can't do that. I outrank you.

I have half a mind to tell the Colonel.

I deny you have half a mind.

Then I will see the Colonel.

I'll deny I said anything.

I'll deny I denied anything.

Beat it, Radar.

Pierce, you're themost unmilitary man

in this man's army.

Thank you.

First, he brings in Korean civilians with unauthorized wounds.

Now he wants to drag in a pagan priestess

to stir up the local spooks,

which I don't even believe in.

These local spooksdon't spook you, do they?

Certainly not. It's poppycock.

But, uh, why incur the wrathof the man upstairs, hmm?

Who, MacArthur?

I do not intend to idly stand by

and let Captain Pierce conduct his exorcism.

Okay, you can conduct.I'll play violin.

Sir, he's joking about me

and about army rules and regulations,

-and it isn't funny! -A comic is only as good as his material.

It's a little out ofthe ordinary, I grant you.

Colonel, I'd rathernot operate on ahysterical patient.

All I wanna do is putthe old man at ease.

I didn't say no, Pierce.

Not saying no, is that saying yes?

Yes. Not saying no is saying yes.

But what if general staff should happen to drop in?

What if they saw apriestess exorcising demons?

-What then?-If she knows her stuff,

I may have her exorcisethem off the compound.

Sir, you're not taking this seriously.

No, I'm not.Why are you?

Frank was once the innocent victim of possession.

Through some tragic error,

they exorcised the nice guy and left that.

Sir, you can't gothrough with this!

Can if I want to.

And it's not youI'll apologize to, either.

-It's the good father. -Why me?

It's not exactly whatthey told you to expect

at chaplain school.

Oh, I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Not you, Father.

Yes, me, Major.

Why, you spiritual thrill seeker, you.

Wondrous is man and mysterious the ways of God.

And I would have no one shield my eyes

-from the glory of His works.-What does that mean?

It means there's more thanone way to skin a spirit.

-Did it again. -He's indestructible.

Not indestructible. Young.

If the young weren't sodamn good at surviving wars,

maybe there wouldn't be any more.

He's stable. No reasonfor you to be here, Doctor.

I'll hang around a while.

I wanna see his face when he sees me again.

-Hi. -Captain Hunnicutt?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no.

This is getting monotonous,isn't it?

When did I get hit? I don't remember.

We sent you home.Your ambulance had an accident.

-Oh, I'm back here again?-Mm-hmm.

This is the third time.

One more,you win a solid gold jeep.

-Oh, jeez. -What?

I'm never gonna get out of here.

Marsh, you have aboutas much chance of dying

as you have of becoming president.

-Yeah, but three times.-You can only serve twice.

Boy.

-This is sure a lousy habitwe got into. -I'll tell you what.

After the war, you look me up.For old times' sake,I'll take out your appendix.

- Yeah. -I'll see you later.

-Hey, Radar. -What?

-What gives? -Oh. Hawkeye says she's an exorcist.

She's chasing away demons.

No kidding. What's she doing here?

She's exorcising.

Getting all the unauthorizedspirits and things

out of the area.

I wonder if she could exorcise me back to Toledo.

I feel in betterspirits already.

I think my grandfather does, too.

When will his roombe ready?

She needs more time before it's safe to enter.

What's the hold up?

That lady over there istrying to evict some spirits.

Doesn't have a ghostof a chance.

I'd like to lend a hand,but I wouldn't know where to put it.

Doesn't look likeshe needs one.

Heard the overture. Didn't wanna be late.

-You're early.-The floor show doesn'tstart for five minutes.

We wanted good seats.

Would you like to order a drink?

-Well-- -Uh, negative.

Five dollar minimum.Why waste it?

Colonel, Pierce's witch is out there

attracting crowdsand disrupting activity.

-So? -Shouldn't somebody do something?

Yes. Book her for the weekend and we'll sell tickets.

Colonel, do you knowwhat's going on in pre-op?

You ask the Sol Hurok of Korea?

He helped arrange the whole thing.

Hell's bells.

I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest.

I'll have one too,on the rocks.

Who invited you, Corporal Ignerts?

Be glad I'm here, sir.

This may be all that stands between you

and having your chin drop off.

Don't you lovewhat she's wearing?

Nah, too pushy.

Well, Father, what's your critical opinion?

Uh, interesting.

Sort of a cross between a bishop and a bullfighter.

HAWKEYE: You having a good time?

He says he wants us all to come up to his place

for beer and kimchi after the operation.

Oh, his treat.

Tally-ho.

If you like the dancer,you'll love the surgeon.

That heathen display was ridiculous.

Did absolutely no good at all.

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Hill 205 has been overrun.

Prepare for incoming casualties.

I thought we lost the P.A. system.

Oh, I forgot to say.

The P.A. system is now working again, for some reason.

-Thank you.-That boy's gonna be awful hard

to live withafter this.

Margaret,that apparatus is defective.

There's nothing wrong with it.

HAWKEYE:I thought the gauge was stuck.

It's not stuck now.

Hold me. I'm scared.

Well, there must besome logical explanation.

If there is, you'll never find it.

I don't follow you.

Look at that.

That?

Why, that's nothing.

Probably never happen again.

In about a week or so,I'll drop in to see him.

Meantime, make sure he eatsand gets plenty of rest.

Yes, Doctor.

And if he's followedby evil spirits,

tell him not to jumpin front of a car

unless it's parked.

Here, Doctor. A gift.

Oh, thank you.

Just what I needed.

Not for exorcism.

For decoration.

I'll use it to chaseaway the blues...

or the olive drabs.

Good-bye, Doctor,and thank you.

Good-bye, Kyong Ja.

I don't care if the P.A. systemis in working order.

I want somebodyto check it out, pronto.

Yes, sir.

Good.

Radar, you betterput the spirit post

-back where it was. -Uh, yes, Colonel.

Um, I already did.

Well, this is it.

You said that before.

But this "this is it"is it.

Yeah, I hope.

-Oh, Father. -Yeah?

Oh, yes. Here.

May God and a smooth ride go with you.

Thanks.

-Break a leg. -Thanks a lot!

St. Christophergets all the breaks.

What's the matter, Frank?

This goldarned radiowas working a minute ago.

The evil spirits are back.

-They hate radios.-Try your bells on it, Hawk.

That's a lot of monkey doodle.

Oh, really?

Would you like to make a little wager?

-Say five bucks?-Oh, let's say ten, huh?

You're on.

Excuse me, Major Burns.

Colonel Potter wantsto see you in his officeabout the duty roster.

On my way. Ten bucks, please.

Wait a minute.Give me a chance, will ya?

It takes a little longer with a cheap radio.

Ten bucks.

Lucky stiff.

Wow. That stuff really works, huh?

It's easy. You just gottashake the bells a few times...

And, uh, put the plug back in.