Original subtitles

-HAWKEYE: Scissors. -MARGARET: Scissors.

-In my hand, not my foot!-Sorry.

Cut this. No, no, no.

-Down here. Not up there!-Sorry.

B.J.: You're fullof sorries today.

I'm sorry.

FRANK: You don't have to be snotty, doctors.

What can I say, dear,after I've said I'm sorry?

Always a comeback.

All closed. Orderly!

Ha-ha! I finished first.

And my nurse canbeat up your nurse.

Your nurse could beat up him.

Oh, my God! there'sa rotten cantaloupein this man's stomach.

B.J.: You're looking at Frank's rotten head.

Doctors are supposedto be comrades in arms.

Yeah, you wanna tango?

We'll leave the skinand subcu open.

I'll close in five days.

Yes, doctor.

Always put off todaywhat you can do tomorrow.

Frank, when was the lasttime you had your gums bled?

B.J.: Klinger.

Sire? You beckonedthe prince of Toledo?

Post-op, Prince,for some intensive caring.

Ja wohl, Herr Leutnant.

You all right, Major?

Oh, slight twinge. Indigestion.

-Last night's chicken beaks.-No, she's really sick.

Yeah? Let me see.

You're going to meeta tall, dark stranger

who sells insuranceout of a rumble seat.

Well, that's what I saw!

♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown

-Hey, what's up, Colonel?-I'm goin' to Tokyo.

-Hey!-No kiddin'! Congratulations!

Mildred gota flight to Japan,

and I got a week's R&R.

How romantic! A second honeymoon.

Oh, at his age, theydon't romance anymore.

Like hell! How do you think Igot these bags under my eyes?

During my absence,the second in commandwill be in charge.

I strongly resent that!

Unfortunately, he means you, Frank.

Of course. I knew that.

Command accepted, sir!

Hot dog.

Some people around here

are gonna have to get upon their toes.

I don't think I'm up to it.

My tutu's in the cleaners.

Aw, go fry an egg.

Well, I got things to do.

♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown

Colonel, Burns isn't fit to command.

No sweat. Radar runs the outfit anyway.

Yeah, but he makes crazy rules.

-Chew your food 100 times.-I showed the fink.

I swallowedmy steak whole.

-Colonel! -Klinger.

When you're in Tokyo,would you ask Mrs. Potter

to see if she can find this material

at Goldstein's on the Ginza?

-I'll ask.-I'll need three yards.

Make it four. I'm puttin' in pleats.

Red is okay. Blue is okay.

But no aquamarine.

-Why not? -It matches his skin.

Nobody'd know I was there.

Why are you worried aboutBurns being in charge?

You never followorders anyway.

That's not the point. Burns is an irritant.

Like fingernails on a blackboard.

Ooh, I hate that sound.

B.J.: Can't you do something?

Like sit him down, have a talk with him?

No, like stand him upand have him shot.

Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.

Hmm.

Hey, I got an idea.You could take him to Tokyo.

Yeah. He can be yourtraveling companion.

-Tote your barge. -Post your bail.

I can tote my own barge,thank you.

Look, what thisboils down to

is who gets stuckwith Burns.

-Mm-hmm.-Now, if you were in command,

-what would you do?-I'd take him to Tokyo.

That's why you're not in command. Dismissed.

That pain again?

Yes, Major.

Margaret,when you're sick,

can't youcall me Frank?

You know I'm an engaged person.

Let me probe your abdomen.

-You'll go insane. -No, I won't.

I'm not an animal.I'm a doctor.

-I can curb my lust. -Very well.

-Margaret! -Aah!

-I knew it! I knew it! -I'm sorry.

It was last night's chili.

I'm afraid I have a bad appendix.

Let me operate.Please, let me operate.

It isn't necessary. It isn't a hot appendix.

-It's chronic. -Well, let meremove it.

And I'll put it ina nice mason jar witha little alcohol.

And I'll bring you ice creamwith chocolate sauce

and perhaps evensome Oreo cookies.

-No! -Margaret, show me some consideration.

Let me cut you open.

Is she okay, sir?

Sometimes shefavors this hoof.

I'll bet it's those army shoes.

They ain't army.

They were made bya Korean blacksmith--

Hopalong Wang.

Next time,I shoe her myself.

You know how?

I can put horseshoeson a mosquito.

Gee, sir, is there anything you can't do?

Yeah. Get ridof this gas.

Last night's chili.

Like eating a volcano.

Give her a good groomingevery other day.

-She likes that. -Oh, I know, sir.

Once she smiled at me withher nice, big yellow teeth.

Give her plenty of salt, plenty of water.

I like regular irrigation.

Hmm, you sound just like my mom.

She always says,

"Better to hold the phonethan to get a kidney stone."

Wonderful woman.

You'll be in goodhands, sweetheart.

Radar's gonnatake care of you.

You know, Radar, being away from Mrs. Potter,

this mare's been a blessing.

She knowsyou're leaving, sir.

-Look at her eyes. -Like Fay Wray.

I don't know her.

King Kong, this big monkey,

carried her to the topof the Empire State Building.

Wow!

I had heard there weresome weirdos in New York.

-Come. -Colonel...

Oh, turn around for a second, Major.

Let me get decent.

Something on your mind?

Sir, request permission to go to Tokyo

to have my appendix removed.

-You got a hot one? -Chronic.

Occasional flare-up.

Oh, well, that cango on for years.

Why remove a mufflerjust 'cause it backfires

-once in a while? -Well--

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

We have winners of the Abbott and Costello lookalike contest.

-Colonel, the reason I---Hold it. I'm entered in this.

-Sorry. -The winners are

Corporal Klinger

and prisoner of war Chang Suk Yin.

Darn it! I knew they'dbring in a ringer.

The winners receive a Norman Rockwell print

clipped from last week'sSaturday Evening Post.

Lucky buggers.Where were we?

-My appendix. -Oh, yeah.

I can't recommend elective surgery.

But if she flares up,

we've got a whole corral of surgeons here.

Oh, Colonel,

Major Burns usually handlesthe simple operations,

and I don't wanthim to touch me.

Oh, now the skunk is outta the bag.

If my appendixbecomes acute--

-God forbid. -God forbid.

Can you arrange forDr. Pierce to operate?

-I'll give him the word.-Thank you, sir.

-Keep a firm abdomen.

-I'm sorry you lost, sir.-Thank you.

Attention. Corporal Klinger

will accept the Rockwell print by himself.

Chang Suk Yin has escaped.

Radar, so I can readon the plane,

get me that bookby Dr. Hugo Schlecter.

-Schlecter? -How to Sweat With Closed Pores.

-Dermatologist. -Yes, sir.

-Sir. -Klinger.

No pearls? No dress?

How come you're out of uniform?

I gave up tryin' toget a discharge, sir.

-I'm so depressed. -Depressed?

You just won a Norman Rockwell print.

I know, but I'mstill in the dumps.

Buck up, son.

I'll bring back that material from Tokyo.

You'll make yourself a beautiful evening gown.

You'll feel like a new man.

That's what I wantedto tell you, Colonel.

You don't haveto bother.

How about a nice pair of nylons?

Send your morale a mile high.

No, thanks anyway.

Found your book, sir. Hey, Klinger,

congratulations on thecontest, you lucky guy.

Dummy up!

Geez, for a guy who lookslike Abbott and Costello,

he sure has no sense of humor.

I still think I should've won that contest.

-Who's on first. -What?

What's on second. Ha! Ha.

-Glad I caught you, Colonel.-Yeah, Hawkeye.

I was, uh, helping Father Mulcahy look at some pictures.

-He's gotta pick the Nun of the Week. -Dedicated man.

Look, on the Ginza, there's a little newspaper stand

right across the street from Goldstein's.

Would you get me this month'sissue of Nudist Frolics,

Naked Health, and the Bare Back News?

I'll be in uniform.I can't go in there.

-Ask Mrs. Potter.-Okay. She's a good scout.

You really go for thosenudie magazines, don't you?

Just for the volleyball scores.

Ever go to oneof those skin farms?

Once. Didn't have the nerveto put down my ukulele.

Sir, your planeleaves Kimpo in one hour.

Right. Oh, Hawkeye,I almost forgot.

If, uh, Major Houlihan'sappendix has to come out,

she wants youto do the job.

What about Burns and his ten magic thumbs?

She put the kibosh on him.

Zorro will leave his mark.

Take careof the mare, Radar!

Yo!

Go away, Frank!

I told younot to bother me.

Fuller Brush Man. I have a special today.

A back scratcher in the form of a naked doctor.

-Did I say come in?-Only part of me is in.

The best part is still outside.

-What do you want?-I didn't come to see you,

just your appendix.

We can discussmy appendix in the O.R.,

post-op,anyplace but here.

No, it's Wednesday.

I always make tent calls.

You know, that robe does something for you.

-It does something for me, too.-Watch it, Doctor.

I'm just a growing boy with active glands.

When you're in my tent,you'll curb your glands.

Next time I'll leave 'em tied up outside.

Why are suchskillful medical hands

attached to someonelike you?

Sorry, I come as a set.

Potter told me about your problem.

So, uh, Major, if you'll just lie down there...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ah, your lips say "No, no, no,"

but your appendix says "Yes, yes, yes."

My appendixdoes not bother me.

When it flares up,I'll call you.

You know, when you're angry,

you look just like Victor Mature.

Please leave.

Margaret, a pre-operation grope is essential.

Well...

And fun.

Uh, no!

Here. Here.

It hurts right here.

Oh! You swine!

Well, you know...

Radar's comin', Sophie.

You're gonna have a nice brush and rub.

Holy socks!

-B.J.: Ready, doctor? -HAWKEYE: Ready.

Ha! You now owe me $3,427.

-You on Diners? -No credit, Elroy.

-Take a traveler's check?-Sure.

I'll find the traveler.You take his check.

-Ooh! -Aah! Oh!

Uh, sirs. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Uh, the colonel's mare is lyin' down.

Her eyes and her nose are running.

I told you to shovel out that corral.

Hawk, when a horse is down,it means she's sick.

Look, I come from Maine.

All I've ever done is takea lobster's thermidor.

-Something's wrong!-Probably "mal de mare."

Radar, are you sureshe wasn't just rollingover in the manure?

-As a little pick-me-up?-No, no, she's sick, I know it!

And I promised to take care of her.

-Come on. Just take a look.-I don't make stable calls.

But this is serious!Colonel Potter

will have me executed and court-martialed.

Come on, Hawk.Let's take a look.

-I'm not a veterinarian.-You're a veteran.

Close enough for jazz.

Let's go play horsie.

Now, these fellas are people doctors,

but they know where you keep everything.

Watch the legs, Hawk.

Yeah, I'll watch the legs.You tell her not to kick me.

-Don't kick him, Sophie.-Thanks.

Ohh.

Hope she knowsI'm a doctor.

Show her your diploma.

Oh, come on, guys. Stop horsin' around.

-You know what I mean.

Try your stethoscope.

Hello, hello.Yeah, it works fine.

On the horse.

-Oh, the big brown thing?-Yes.

-Mm-hmm. -Anything? Congestion?

I'm picking up Eddie Arcaro.

Oh, for Pete's sakes.

I don't hear a thing.

Maybe the speaker's broken.

Maybe she's not plugged in.

Oh... hell!

-What? -You heard me!

H-E double toothpicks! You guys don't care!

Hey, hey, hey.Radar, take it easy.

Sure we care.

Who delivered yourguinea pig's triplets

Manny, Moe and Jack?

Who gave your chickenan aspirin

when it got hysterical?

-You, sir.-Who belted Major Burns

when he wanted to cookyour rabbit for Easter?

Both you sirs.

What you... What youhave to understand, Radar,

is that we just don't knowanything about horses.

Well, she's a mare.

Gender notwithstanding.

Radar, why don't youcall Colonel Potter?

Oh, no, I couldn't do that!He'll kill me!

Hey! My father-in-law's beenin Oklahoma for 50 years.

Once you're in a road company,

it's very hard to get back to Broadway.

He lives there.

He knows all about horses,cows, pigs, all that stuff.

-What town does he live in?-Quapaw.

Where else? A gas station,a grocery store,

and a fashionablerestaurant called "Eats."

Radar, can you patch througha call to Quapaw, Oklahoma?

I can sure try.

-Let's go. -Yeah.

Oh, Hawk, take the mare'stemperature.

By law, there should be a nurse present.

I'll leave the door open.

Would you take off your coat, please?

Sparky?

Hi. Yeah, it's Radar.

How ya doin'? Good.

Ahem, listen, Sparky, we wantto patch a call through

to, uh, Quapaw, Oklahoma.

No, uh, Quapaw.

Yeah, look, I knowyou're busy, but...

No, it's not a personal call,it's-it's an animal call.

Geez, you don't haveto shout my head off!

Our C.O.'s mare is sick.

-Make him a deal. -Like what?

Um, try some aftershave lotion.

No, uh, it irritateshis pimples.

Think Captain Piercewould part with someof his nudist magazines?

Sacrilege. Uh, try, uh, a movie.

Oh, hey, Sparky.

Uh, listen,how'd you like a movie?

No, it's not a V.D. movie.It's a real movie.

We got a Rita Hayworthpicture. Gilda.

Huh? No, uh, no Indians,

but a lot of hugging,kissing, and other violence.

Okay.

Yeah, terrific. We'll hang on.

Hey, he's goingthrough to Honolulu.

-Great.

What's her temperature?

I dropped the thermometer in the corral.

The temperature of the manure is 62 degrees.

What? Sparky?

Yeah? Good!

He's throughto Honolulu.

Love the booze, hate the music.

Yeah?

Okay! He's got Seattle.

Hey, it's yesterday there.

-It's today here.-It's always today here.

Oh, yeah? What about tomorrow?

-Good point.-I wasn't born yesterday.

Yeah, Sparky. Oklahoma City, right.

Uh, yeah. What's the nameof your father-in-law?

Floyd Hayden.

-Come on. -No, really.

You got Quapaw.

Good. Okay, look,

we're looking for a Mr. Floyd Hayden--

H-A-Y-D-E-N.

♪ M-O-U-S-E

Ah, okay, it's ringing.

Oh, it's ringing!

Hello, hello?Oh, it's still ringing.

-Pa! Hi, it's B.J. -Got him.

No. No, I'm not at the bus station.

I'm still in Korea.

No, we're not stillfighting the Germans, Pa.

That was your war. Huh?

Yeah, I get a letter from Peg every day.

-Come on, come on, come on.-The horse.

Wha... Oh, look, Pa,I can't hang on too long.

We need your help.Gimme a pencil and paper.

We got a sick horse here. Yeah, a mare.

She's down.

Just a minute. What's her heart rate?

-Fifty. -Fifty. Uh-huh.

-Too fast. -Well, look, uh...

-Could it be emotional?-Could be.

Colonel Potter hasn't taken her out for a week.

Uh, h-hold on a minute, Floyd.

Any growling in her stomach?

-Silencio. -Not a sound.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh! Okay.

Right.

All right, thanks, Pa.

Listen, you take care of yourself now.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

-Oh, do me a favor, will you?-Oh, there's more.

Call Peg and tell her everything's fine.

Except the horse, right.

-Except the horse. -Thanks.

-Oh, what? -What? What? What?

-What? -Too much dry grass

and not enough water. She's got colic.

Oh, that's serious!

Floyd says it could kill her.

-Colic?-Intestines are blocked.

We gotta keep her on her feet so they won't twist.

And...

we gotta clean her out.

Lots and lots of warm water.

I think I'll stroll up to the front

to see how the shooting's going.

Hook this to the spigot up there.

It looks awful high.

You want the other end?

It's not so high.

-Upsy-daisy. -I love you, Daddy.

My word. What's all the excitement about, Hawkeye?

Colonel Potter's horse is congested.

We're trying to help her out.

-You're a good Christian.-Hallelujah.

Oh, I mean that sincerely, Hawkeye.

Sophie's one of God's creatures, too.

Sometimes we all need a helping hand.

Hey, Hawkeye, she's tryingto lay down again!

Walk her around! Keep her moving!

The voice from above.

Easy, sweetheart.

It's not gonna hurt.

The water's warm.Come on.

Come on.

In Atlantic City,this'd cost you $7.50.

Is it serious? Do you want me to pray?

You got a horse prayer, Father?

I did one for a Great Dane with peritonitis.

-Pray taller. -So be it.

-Keep her movin', Radar.-Yo.

Come on, girl. Come on.

Start the warm water.

Take your loved onesand move to higher ground.

Is it warm enough?

Just right.

I know just how you feel, honey.

I once chewed a whole pack of gum

-with a bag of potato chips.-Ready?

I am, but the mare's a little tense.

Help's on the way.

-Stand by. -Stand by!

Stand by!

Standing by!

Standing by!

Standing by.

Stand by.

HAWKEYE:Turn it on!

Turn it on!

Turn it on!

Here she comes!

Here she comes!

Here she comes.

Oi.

How's it goin'?

How's it going?

Terrific.

HAWKEYE:Hold the water!

Hold the water!

Hold the water!

Holding!

-Hey! All right!

Yeah, Sparky, the horseis doing just fine.

Hey, how was that movie we sent ya?

It wasn't Gilda?

Ah, gee, it said so on the box.

Ecstasywith Hedy Lamarr?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Sparky.I hope you're not mad.

She what?

Naked?

With no clothes on? Through the woods?

Well, when are you gonnasend the film back?

Well, when will you guysbe finished watching it?

-What do you mean next year?-

Hey, listen, Colonel Potter'scoming in now.

But I want that film back.

-Hiya, Radar. -Welcome home, Colonel Potter, sir.

How's Mrs. Potter?

Bought herself a 10-speed bicycle.

Gee, she's really swell.

Get my bags to my tent

and unpack 'em right away, will ya, Radar?

I've got some damp shorts in there.

-Wouldn't want 'em mildewed.-Don't want 'em to mildew.

-How's everything? -Oh, just fine, sir.

-How's the mare? -Clean as a whistle, inside and out.

-Good! -Uh-huh.

-Klinger. -Present.

Radar didn't tell meyou were in here.

I'm not speaking to anybody.

What the hellare you doing on my desk?

Depressed. 110%.

This is it? Nonfunctioning?

The end of life's highway.

What a shame.

Well, what can I do?

I'll arrange a discharge.

What was that, sir?

Severe depression is a ticket home.

I'll be packed in an hour!

I'm free! I'm free!

Laverne, here I come! Romancin' and dancin'!

♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat

♪ I'm puttin' on my white tie ♪

♪ I'm puttin' on my tails

Just blew it, didn't I?

Yep.

Now I'm really depressed.

Buck up, soldier. I gotthe material for your dress.

-The blue or the red? -The red.

Hot damn.

-Klinger! -Sir.

Like to see you dothat Top Hatnumber

for the wounded.

In the red dress?

You'll kill 'em.

You're right.

♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat

Colonel, that man's a lunatic.

Yeah, but light on his feet.

What is it, Burns?I'm exhausted.

Well, sir, while you were gone,

Pierce committed six major infractions

of military regulations.

What were they?

Number one, in the Mess Tent yesterday,

he made a face at me.

-He did? -Yes, sir.

He crossed his eyes

and stuck out his tongue. Like this.

I don't have to hear the other five.

I'll takethe appropriate action.

Good. Sir, what are you gonna do?

I'm going to sleep.

Case dismissed.

Yes, sir.

Hawkeye.

-Hawkeye. -Huh? Hmm?

Pulse is rapid, temperature's up.

I can't stand it anymore.

I'm ready. Your tentor my father's Chevy?

- My appendix. -Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, isn't it funny howthey always seem to arrive

at 3:00 in the morning?

Hey!

Hey! What? What?

-Appendix. -Never heard of him.

Come on. Margaret's gottahave her appendix out,

and I need a gas passer.

Okay, okay.

Send me in, coach.

-Oh, my God, it hurts. -Okay. Come on.

Oh! I'm sorryI had to wake you.

Forget it. I've been asleep for 15 minutes.

-You ready, Beej? -Ready when you are.

Kellye, remember

Dr. Pierce prefers to workwith curved blades.

Yes, ma'am.

And separate your largefrom your small needles.

Houlihan, don't kibitz. You're the patient.

Funny how these things always happen

in the wee hours of the morning.

Why wasn't I called?

Mask!

Well, I should bedoing this surgery!

I know Major Houlihan'sappendix better than any of you!

Burns, she asked for Pierce.

I don't believe it!

Great deal of conflict here.

You said it, brother-- uh, Father.

Frank, she doesn't want you here.

I'm not leaving till Ihear it from her own lips.

Listen to these lips, Frank.

Get out!

She's delirious.

Out!

I hope you havea big scar!

Can we get on with this?

I gotta get up in an hour and go to work.

All right,Margaret, relax.

Take a nice, deep breath.

I'm supposed to say that.

Shut up, Margaret.

Now let's have some fun.

It's important to get on yourfeet the second or third day.

Thanks for doing such a wonderful job.

I'll throw in a guarantee.

Every thousand miles,I'll probe your chassis.

Oh.

The important thing

after an experience like this, my dear,

is to keep moving.

Atta girl. You know, you could've wound up

with a knot in your intestine.

Did you say something?