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1
00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:02,932
-HAWKEYE: Scissors.
-MARGARET: Scissors.
2
00:01:02,932 --> 00:01:07,110
-In my hand, not my foot!-Sorry.
3
00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:09,025
Cut this. No, no, no.
4
00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:11,027
-Down here. Not up there!-Sorry.
5
00:01:11,027 --> 00:01:12,202
B.J.: You're fullof sorries today.
6
00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:13,638
I'm sorry.
7
00:01:13,638 --> 00:01:15,249
FRANK: You don't have
to be snotty, doctors.
8
00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:16,859
What can I say, dear,after I've said I'm sorry?
9
00:01:16,859 --> 00:01:18,121
Always a comeback.
10
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:20,254
All closed. Orderly!
11
00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:24,214
Ha-ha!
I finished first.
12
00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:25,868
And my nurse canbeat up your nurse.
13
00:01:25,868 --> 00:01:28,088
Your nurse could
beat up him.
14
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:31,047
Oh, my God! there'sa rotten cantaloupein this man's stomach.
15
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:33,005
B.J.: You're looking
at Frank's rotten head.
16
00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:35,660
Doctors are supposedto be comrades in arms.
17
00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:37,009
Yeah, you wanna tango?
18
00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:38,794
We'll leave the skinand subcu open.
19
00:01:38,794 --> 00:01:39,925
I'll close in five days.
20
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:41,362
Yes, doctor.
21
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:43,320
Always put off todaywhat you can do tomorrow.
22
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,496
Frank, when was the lasttime you had your gums bled?
23
00:01:45,496 --> 00:01:46,628
B.J.: Klinger.
24
00:01:46,628 --> 00:01:48,847
Sire? You beckonedthe prince of Toledo?
25
00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:51,328
Post-op, Prince,for some intensive caring.
26
00:01:51,328 --> 00:01:53,113
Ja wohl, Herr Leutnant.
27
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,030
You all right, Major?
28
00:01:58,030 --> 00:02:00,598
Oh, slight twinge.
Indigestion.
29
00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:02,992
-Last night's chicken beaks.-No, she's really sick.
30
00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:04,994
Yeah? Let me see.
31
00:02:08,824 --> 00:02:10,565
You're going to meeta tall, dark stranger
32
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:12,697
who sells insuranceout of a rumble seat.
33
00:02:13,959 --> 00:02:16,397
Well, that's what I saw!
34
00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:18,703
♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown
35
00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:20,575
-Hey, what's up, Colonel?-I'm goin' to Tokyo.
36
00:02:20,575 --> 00:02:21,967
-Hey!-No kiddin'! Congratulations!
37
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,491
Mildred gota flight to Japan,
38
00:02:23,491 --> 00:02:24,709
and I got a week's R&R.
39
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:27,973
How romantic!
A second honeymoon.
40
00:02:27,973 --> 00:02:30,367
Oh, at his age, theydon't romance anymore.
41
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:33,762
Like hell! How do you think Igot these bags under my eyes?
42
00:02:33,762 --> 00:02:36,982
During my absence,the second in commandwill be in charge.
43
00:02:36,982 --> 00:02:38,984
I strongly resent that!
44
00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:41,204
Unfortunately,
he means you, Frank.
45
00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:43,946
Of course. I knew that.
46
00:02:43,946 --> 00:02:46,383
Command accepted, sir!
47
00:02:46,383 --> 00:02:47,906
Hot dog.
48
00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:49,256
Some people around here
49
00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:51,214
are gonna have to get upon their toes.
50
00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:53,173
I don't think
I'm up to it.
51
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,391
My tutu's in
the cleaners.
52
00:02:54,391 --> 00:02:55,523
Aw, go fry an egg.
53
00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:56,828
Well, I got things to do.
54
00:02:56,828 --> 00:03:00,484
♪ Chinatown, my Chinatown
55
00:03:00,484 --> 00:03:02,530
Colonel, Burns
isn't fit to command.
56
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,967
No sweat. Radar runs
the outfit anyway.
57
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:06,534
Yeah, but he
makes crazy rules.
58
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,100
-Chew your food 100 times.-I showed the fink.
59
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:09,711
I swallowedmy steak whole.
60
00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:12,192
-Colonel!
-Klinger.
61
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,802
When you're in Tokyo,would you ask Mrs. Potter
62
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:15,325
to see if she can
find this material
63
00:03:15,325 --> 00:03:16,587
at Goldstein's on the Ginza?
64
00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:19,068
-I'll ask.-I'll need three yards.
65
00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:21,157
Make it four.
I'm puttin' in pleats.
66
00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:22,767
Red is okay.
Blue is okay.
67
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,247
But no aquamarine.
68
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:26,031
-Why not?
-It matches his skin.
69
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:28,295
Nobody'd know I was there.
70
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:31,080
Why are you worried aboutBurns being in charge?
71
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,777
You never followorders anyway.
72
00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:34,301
That's not the point.
Burns is an irritant.
73
00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:35,737
Like fingernails
on a blackboard.
74
00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:37,565
Ooh, I hate that sound.
75
00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:38,957
B.J.:
Can't you do something?
76
00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:40,481
Like sit him down,
have a talk with him?
77
00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:43,527
No, like stand him upand have him shot.
78
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,400
Don't be absurd.
There'd be an inquiry.
79
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,879
Hmm.
80
00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,838
Hey, I got an idea.You could take him to Tokyo.
81
00:03:49,838 --> 00:03:51,318
Yeah. He can be yourtraveling companion.
82
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,102
-Tote your barge. -Post your
bail.
83
00:03:53,102 --> 00:03:54,886
I can tote my own barge,thank you.
84
00:03:54,886 --> 00:03:56,497
Look, what thisboils down to
85
00:03:56,497 --> 00:03:57,976
is who gets stuckwith Burns.
86
00:03:57,976 --> 00:03:59,717
-Mm-hmm.-Now, if you were in command,
87
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:01,589
-what would you do?-I'd take him to Tokyo.
88
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:04,200
That's why you're not
in command. Dismissed.
89
00:04:11,816 --> 00:04:13,078
That pain again?
90
00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:14,341
Yes, Major.
91
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:15,646
Margaret,when you're sick,
92
00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:16,952
can't youcall me Frank?
93
00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:18,736
You know I'm
an engaged person.
94
00:04:18,736 --> 00:04:20,172
Let me probe your abdomen.
95
00:04:20,172 --> 00:04:21,652
-You'll go insane.
-No, I won't.
96
00:04:21,652 --> 00:04:23,045
I'm not an animal.I'm a doctor.
97
00:04:23,045 --> 00:04:26,788
-I can curb my lust.
-Very well.
98
00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:28,180
-Margaret!
-Aah!
99
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:30,270
-I knew it! I knew it!
-I'm sorry.
100
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,880
It was last night's chili.
101
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,403
I'm afraid I have
a bad appendix.
102
00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:35,013
Let me operate.Please, let me operate.
103
00:04:35,013 --> 00:04:37,451
It isn't necessary.
It isn't a hot appendix.
104
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,322
-It's chronic. -Well, let meremove it.
105
00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:41,672
And I'll put it ina nice mason jar witha little alcohol.
106
00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:43,239
And I'll bring you ice creamwith chocolate sauce
107
00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:44,675
and perhaps evensome Oreo cookies.
108
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,373
-No!
-Margaret, show me
some consideration.
109
00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:48,070
Let me cut you open.
110
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,595
Is she okay, sir?
111
00:04:51,595 --> 00:04:52,988
Sometimes shefavors this hoof.
112
00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:54,337
I'll bet
it's those army shoes.
113
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:55,599
They ain't army.
114
00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:57,166
They were made bya Korean blacksmith--
115
00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,776
Hopalong Wang.
116
00:04:58,776 --> 00:04:59,864
Next time,I shoe her myself.
117
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,170
You know how?
118
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:03,303
I can put horseshoeson a mosquito.
119
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,130
Gee, sir, is there
anything you can't do?
120
00:05:05,130 --> 00:05:07,611
Yeah. Get ridof this gas.
121
00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:09,309
Last night's chili.
122
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,311
Like eating a volcano.
123
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,747
Give her a good groomingevery other day.
124
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:14,488
-She likes that.
-Oh, I know, sir.
125
00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:17,012
Once she smiled at me withher nice, big yellow teeth.
126
00:05:17,012 --> 00:05:19,406
Give her plenty of salt,
plenty of water.
127
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:21,103
I like regular
irrigation.
128
00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:22,974
Hmm, you sound
just like my mom.
129
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,628
She always says,
130
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:27,196
"Better to hold the phonethan to get a kidney stone."
131
00:05:27,196 --> 00:05:29,198
Wonderful woman.
132
00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:30,765
You'll be in goodhands, sweetheart.
133
00:05:30,765 --> 00:05:32,288
Radar's gonnatake care of you.
134
00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:34,159
You know, Radar, being
away from Mrs. Potter,
135
00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:35,596
this mare's been a blessing.
136
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:36,945
She knowsyou're leaving, sir.
137
00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:38,947
-Look at her eyes.
-Like Fay Wray.
138
00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:40,296
I don't know her.
139
00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:41,993
King Kong, this big monkey,
140
00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:44,344
carried her to the topof the Empire State Building.
141
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,215
Wow!
142
00:05:46,215 --> 00:05:48,826
I had heard there weresome weirdos in New York.
143
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,004
-Come.
-Colonel...
144
00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:54,745
Oh, turn around
for a second, Major.
145
00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:56,094
Let me get decent.
146
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,706
Something
on your mind?
147
00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,185
Sir, request permission
to go to Tokyo
148
00:06:00,185 --> 00:06:01,578
to have
my appendix removed.
149
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:03,014
-You got a hot one?
-Chronic.
150
00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:04,146
Occasional flare-up.
151
00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:05,582
Oh, well, that cango on for years.
152
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,410
Why remove a mufflerjust 'cause it backfires
153
00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:09,107
-once in a while?
-Well--
154
00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:11,022
MAN : Attention, all personnel.
155
00:06:11,022 --> 00:06:13,895
We have winners of the Abbott and Costello lookalike contest.
156
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:16,245
-Colonel, the reason I---Hold it. I'm entered in this.
157
00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:17,899
-Sorry.
-The winners are
158
00:06:17,899 --> 00:06:19,466
Corporal Klinger
159
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:21,250
and prisoner of war
Chang Suk Yin.
160
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:22,817
Darn it! I knew they'dbring in a ringer.
161
00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:25,254
The winners receive a Norman Rockwell print
162
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:27,343
clipped from last week'sSaturday Evening Post.
163
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:29,214
Lucky buggers.Where were we?
164
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:30,781
-My appendix.
-Oh, yeah.
165
00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:33,393
I can't recommend
elective surgery.
166
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,698
But if she flares up,
167
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:36,396
we've got a whole
corral of surgeons here.
168
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,919
Oh, Colonel,
169
00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:39,311
Major Burns usually handlesthe simple operations,
170
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:40,704
and I don't wanthim to touch me.
171
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:43,968
Oh, now the skunk
is outta the bag.
172
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,753
If my appendixbecomes acute--
173
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,450
-God forbid.
-God forbid.
174
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:49,539
Can you arrange forDr. Pierce to operate?
175
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,106
-I'll give him the word.-Thank you, sir.
176
00:06:51,106 --> 00:06:52,673
-Keep a firm abdomen.
177
00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:54,762
-I'm sorry you lost, sir.-Thank you.
178
00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,416
Attention. Corporal Klinger
179
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,766
will accept the Rockwell print by himself.
180
00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:00,681
Chang Suk Yin has escaped.
181
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,337
Radar, so I can readon the plane,
182
00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:07,209
get me that bookby Dr. Hugo Schlecter.
183
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:09,559
-Schlecter?
-How to Sweat
With Closed Pores.
184
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,300
-Dermatologist.
-Yes, sir.
185
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,389
-Sir.
-Klinger.
186
00:07:14,695 --> 00:07:16,305
No pearls? No dress?
187
00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:18,089
How come
you're out of uniform?
188
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:19,482
I gave up tryin' toget a discharge, sir.
189
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,353
-I'm so depressed.
-Depressed?
190
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,486
You just won
a Norman Rockwell print.
191
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,793
I know, but I'mstill in the dumps.
192
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,185
Buck up, son.
193
00:07:27,185 --> 00:07:28,926
I'll bring back that
material from Tokyo.
194
00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:31,146
You'll make yourself
a beautiful evening gown.
195
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,800
You'll feel
like a new man.
196
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,192
That's what I wantedto tell you, Colonel.
197
00:07:34,192 --> 00:07:35,498
You don't haveto bother.
198
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,065
How about a nice pair
of nylons?
199
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,370
Send your morale
a mile high.
200
00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:39,763
No, thanks anyway.
201
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:41,591
Found your book, sir.
Hey, Klinger,
202
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:44,072
congratulations on thecontest, you lucky guy.
203
00:07:44,072 --> 00:07:46,335
Dummy up!
204
00:07:46,335 --> 00:07:48,468
Geez, for a guy who lookslike Abbott and Costello,
205
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,991
he sure has no sense of humor.
206
00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:51,775
I still think
I should've won
that contest.
207
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:53,385
-Who's on first.
-What?
208
00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:55,387
What's on second.
Ha! Ha.
209
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:57,564
-Glad I caught you, Colonel.-Yeah, Hawkeye.
210
00:07:57,564 --> 00:08:00,131
I was, uh, helping
Father Mulcahy look
at some pictures.
211
00:08:00,131 --> 00:08:02,482
-He's gotta pick
the Nun of the Week.
-Dedicated man.
212
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,397
Look, on the Ginza,
there's a little
newspaper stand
213
00:08:05,397 --> 00:08:07,225
right across the street
from Goldstein's.
214
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,358
Would you get me this month'sissue of Nudist Frolics,
215
00:08:09,358 --> 00:08:11,534
Naked Health,
and the Bare Back News?
216
00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:13,405
I'll be in uniform.I can't go in there.
217
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:16,583
-Ask Mrs. Potter.-Okay. She's a good scout.
218
00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:19,324
You really go for thosenudie magazines, don't you?
219
00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:20,848
Just for
the volleyball scores.
220
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,589
Ever go to oneof those skin farms?
221
00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:25,069
Once. Didn't have the nerveto put down my ukulele.
222
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:27,245
Sir, your planeleaves Kimpo in one hour.
223
00:08:27,245 --> 00:08:29,552
Right. Oh, Hawkeye,I almost forgot.
224
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,774
If, uh, Major Houlihan'sappendix has to come out,
225
00:08:33,774 --> 00:08:36,211
she wants youto do the job.
226
00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:38,387
What about Burns and
his ten magic thumbs?
227
00:08:38,387 --> 00:08:40,432
She put the kibosh on him.
228
00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:43,348
Zorro will
leave his mark.
229
00:08:43,348 --> 00:08:44,611
Take careof the mare, Radar!
230
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:45,699
Yo!
231
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:50,878
Go away, Frank!
232
00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:52,357
I told younot to bother me.
233
00:08:52,357 --> 00:08:54,534
Fuller Brush Man.
I have a special today.
234
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,710
A back scratcher in
the form of a naked doctor.
235
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:58,581
-Did I say come in?-Only part of me is in.
236
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:00,278
The best part
is still outside.
237
00:09:00,278 --> 00:09:02,237
-What do you want?-I didn't come to see you,
238
00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:03,586
just your appendix.
239
00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:05,849
We can discussmy appendix in the O.R.,
240
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,721
post-op,anyplace but here.
241
00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:08,809
No, it's Wednesday.
242
00:09:08,809 --> 00:09:10,550
I always make
tent calls.
243
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,290
You know, that robe
does something for you.
244
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,554
-It does something for me, too.-Watch it, Doctor.
245
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,773
I'm just a growing boy
with active glands.
246
00:09:16,773 --> 00:09:18,775
When you're in my tent,you'll curb your glands.
247
00:09:18,775 --> 00:09:21,169
Next time I'll leave
'em tied up outside.
248
00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:23,432
Why are suchskillful medical hands
249
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,086
attached to someonelike you?
250
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:26,870
Sorry, I come as a set.
251
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,393
Potter told me
about your problem.
252
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:30,700
So, uh, Major, if you'll
just lie down there...
253
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,093
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
254
00:09:32,093 --> 00:09:33,660
Ah, your lips say
"No, no, no,"
255
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,792
but your appendix says
"Yes, yes, yes."
256
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,229
My appendixdoes not bother me.
257
00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:40,797
When it flares up,I'll call you.
258
00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:42,103
You know,
when you're angry,
259
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:43,757
you look just
like Victor Mature.
260
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,672
Please leave.
261
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:47,935
Margaret, a pre-operation
grope is essential.
262
00:09:47,935 --> 00:09:50,198
Well...
263
00:09:50,198 --> 00:09:51,591
And fun.
264
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,157
Uh, no!
265
00:09:53,157 --> 00:09:55,595
Here. Here.
266
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,684
It hurts right here.
267
00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:00,643
Oh! You swine!
268
00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:02,558
Well, you know...
269
00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:04,038
Radar's comin', Sophie.
270
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:06,388
You're gonna have
a nice brush and rub.
271
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:12,829
Holy socks!
272
00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:21,055
-B.J.: Ready, doctor?
-HAWKEYE: Ready.
273
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:28,497
Ha! You now
owe me $3,427.
274
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,934
-You on Diners?
-No credit, Elroy.
275
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:32,457
-Take a traveler's check?-Sure.
276
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,416
I'll find the traveler.You take his check.
277
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:35,809
-Ooh!
-Aah! Oh!
278
00:10:35,809 --> 00:10:37,549
Uh, sirs. Yeah, I'm sorry.
279
00:10:37,549 --> 00:10:39,421
Uh, the colonel's
mare is lyin' down.
280
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:41,075
Her eyes and
her nose are running.
281
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,946
I told you to shovel out
that corral.
282
00:10:42,946 --> 00:10:44,687
Hawk, when a horse is down,it means she's sick.
283
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:46,428
Look, I come from Maine.
284
00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:48,169
All I've ever done is takea lobster's thermidor.
285
00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:51,085
-Something's wrong!-Probably "mal de mare."
286
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:53,043
Radar, are you sureshe wasn't just rollingover in the manure?
287
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,045
-As a little pick-me-up?-No, no, she's sick, I know it!
288
00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:56,917
And I promised
to take care of her.
289
00:10:56,917 --> 00:10:59,049
-Come on. Just take a look.-I don't make stable calls.
290
00:10:59,049 --> 00:11:00,616
But this is serious!Colonel Potter
291
00:11:00,616 --> 00:11:02,487
will have me executed
and court-martialed.
292
00:11:02,487 --> 00:11:04,054
Come on, Hawk.Let's take a look.
293
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:05,534
-I'm not a veterinarian.-You're a veteran.
294
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,405
Close enough for jazz.
295
00:11:07,405 --> 00:11:09,538
Let's go play horsie.
296
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:12,976
Now, these fellas
are people doctors,
297
00:11:12,976 --> 00:11:14,804
but they know where
you keep everything.
298
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,501
Watch the legs, Hawk.
299
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:17,938
Yeah, I'll watch the legs.You tell her not to kick me.
300
00:11:17,938 --> 00:11:19,417
-Don't kick him, Sophie.-Thanks.
301
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:20,549
Ohh.
302
00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:22,856
Hope she knowsI'm a doctor.
303
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:24,292
Show her your diploma.
304
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,859
Oh, come on, guys.
Stop horsin' around.
305
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,512
-You know what I mean.
306
00:11:27,512 --> 00:11:29,123
Try your stethoscope.
307
00:11:30,515 --> 00:11:32,039
Hello, hello.Yeah, it works fine.
308
00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:33,301
On the horse.
309
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,259
-Oh, the big brown thing?-Yes.
310
00:11:37,174 --> 00:11:39,089
-Mm-hmm.
-Anything? Congestion?
311
00:11:39,089 --> 00:11:41,048
I'm picking up Eddie Arcaro.
312
00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:42,919
Oh, for Pete's sakes.
313
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:45,226
I don't hear a thing.
314
00:11:45,226 --> 00:11:46,357
Maybe the speaker's broken.
315
00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:47,489
Maybe she's not plugged in.
316
00:11:47,489 --> 00:11:50,535
Oh... hell!
317
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:52,537
-What?
-You heard me!
318
00:11:52,537 --> 00:11:56,106
H-E double toothpicks!
You guys don't care!
319
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:57,586
Hey, hey, hey.Radar, take it easy.
320
00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:59,022
Sure we care.
321
00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,850
Who delivered yourguinea pig's triplets
322
00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:02,025
Manny, Moe and Jack?
323
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,505
Who gave your chickenan aspirin
324
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:04,636
when it got hysterical?
325
00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:06,813
-You, sir.-Who belted Major Burns
326
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,640
when he wanted to cookyour rabbit for Easter?
327
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,599
Both you sirs.
328
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:12,644
What you... What youhave to understand, Radar,
329
00:12:12,644 --> 00:12:14,821
is that we just don't knowanything about horses.
330
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:15,996
Well, she's a mare.
331
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,562
Gender notwithstanding.
332
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:19,521
Radar, why don't youcall Colonel Potter?
333
00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:21,436
Oh, no, I couldn't do that!He'll kill me!
334
00:12:21,436 --> 00:12:25,919
Hey! My father-in-law's beenin Oklahoma for 50 years.
335
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:27,442
Once you're in a road company,
336
00:12:27,442 --> 00:12:29,444
it's very hard to
get back to Broadway.
337
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:31,141
He lives there.
338
00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:33,187
He knows all about horses,cows, pigs, all that stuff.
339
00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:35,145
-What town does he live in?-Quapaw.
340
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,757
Where else? A gas station,a grocery store,
341
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,020
and a fashionablerestaurant called "Eats."
342
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:42,718
Radar, can you patch througha call to Quapaw, Oklahoma?
343
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,415
I can sure try.
344
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,461
-Let's go.
-Yeah.
345
00:12:50,944 --> 00:12:53,120
Oh, Hawk, take the mare'stemperature.
346
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,252
By law, there should
be a nurse present.
347
00:12:55,252 --> 00:12:56,601
I'll leave the door open.
348
00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,953
Would you take off
your coat, please?
349
00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,390
Sparky?
350
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:03,478
Hi. Yeah, it's Radar.
351
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:05,741
How ya doin'? Good.
352
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:08,396
Ahem, listen, Sparky, we wantto patch a call through
353
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:10,877
to, uh, Quapaw, Oklahoma.
354
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,401
No, uh, Quapaw.
355
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:15,751
Yeah, look, I knowyou're busy, but...
356
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:18,362
No, it's not a personal call,it's-it's an animal call.
357
00:13:19,755 --> 00:13:21,713
Geez, you don't haveto shout my head off!
358
00:13:21,713 --> 00:13:23,672
Our C.O.'s mare is sick.
359
00:13:25,979 --> 00:13:28,068
-Make him a deal.
-Like what?
360
00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:30,548
Um, try some
aftershave lotion.
361
00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:32,550
No, uh, it irritateshis pimples.
362
00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:35,902
Think Captain Piercewould part with someof his nudist magazines?
363
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:39,731
Sacrilege.
Uh, try, uh, a movie.
364
00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,559
Oh, hey, Sparky.
365
00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:43,735
Uh, listen,how'd you like a movie?
366
00:13:43,735 --> 00:13:46,434
No, it's not a V.D. movie.It's a real movie.
367
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:49,654
We got a Rita Hayworthpicture. Gilda.
368
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:52,483
Huh? No, uh, no Indians,
369
00:13:52,483 --> 00:13:55,269
but a lot of hugging,kissing, and other violence.
370
00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:57,097
Okay.
371
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,663
Yeah, terrific. We'll hang on.
372
00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:00,578
Hey, he's goingthrough to Honolulu.
373
00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:02,232
-Great.
374
00:14:02,232 --> 00:14:04,017
What's her temperature?
375
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,540
I dropped the thermometer
in the corral.
376
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:06,976
The temperature of
the manure is 62 degrees.
377
00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:08,804
What? Sparky?
378
00:14:08,804 --> 00:14:10,588
Yeah? Good!
379
00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:11,763
He's throughto Honolulu.
380
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:13,374
Love the booze,
hate the music.
381
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:14,723
Yeah?
382
00:14:14,723 --> 00:14:17,378
Okay! He's got Seattle.
383
00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:18,770
Hey, it's yesterday there.
384
00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:20,250
-It's today here.-It's always today here.
385
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,730
Oh, yeah?
What about tomorrow?
386
00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:23,558
-Good point.-I wasn't born yesterday.
387
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:26,691
Yeah, Sparky.
Oklahoma City, right.
388
00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:28,868
Uh, yeah. What's the nameof your father-in-law?
389
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,086
Floyd Hayden.
390
00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:31,305
-Come on.
-No, really.
391
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:32,610
You got Quapaw.
392
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,047
Good. Okay, look,
393
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,310
we're looking for
a Mr. Floyd Hayden--
394
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:37,920
H-A-Y-D-E-N.
395
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,357
♪ M-O-U-S-E
396
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:41,750
Ah, okay, it's ringing.
397
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:43,099
Oh, it's ringing!
398
00:14:43,099 --> 00:14:45,275
Hello, hello?Oh, it's still ringing.
399
00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:48,583
-Pa! Hi, it's B.J.
-Got him.
400
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,585
No. No, I'm not
at the bus station.
401
00:14:50,585 --> 00:14:52,413
I'm still in Korea.
402
00:14:52,413 --> 00:14:54,415
No, we're not stillfighting the Germans, Pa.
403
00:14:54,415 --> 00:14:56,678
That was your war. Huh?
404
00:14:56,678 --> 00:14:58,114
Yeah, I get a letter
from Peg every day.
405
00:14:58,114 --> 00:14:59,768
-Come on, come on, come on.-The horse.
406
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,901
Wha... Oh, look, Pa,I can't hang on too long.
407
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:05,208
We need your help.Gimme a pencil and paper.
408
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:07,645
We got a sick horse here.
Yeah, a mare.
409
00:15:07,645 --> 00:15:09,647
She's down.
410
00:15:09,647 --> 00:15:11,127
Just a minute.
What's her heart rate?
411
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:13,695
-Fifty.
-Fifty. Uh-huh.
412
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,827
-Too fast.
-Well, look, uh...
413
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:17,699
-Could it be emotional?-Could be.
414
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:19,092
Colonel Potter hasn't
taken her out for a week.
415
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:20,745
Uh, h-hold
on a minute, Floyd.
416
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:22,051
Any growling
in her stomach?
417
00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:23,835
-Silencio.
-Not a sound.
418
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:26,708
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
419
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:30,494
Uh-huh! Okay.
420
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:31,713
Right.
421
00:15:31,713 --> 00:15:33,236
All right, thanks, Pa.
422
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:34,977
Listen, you take
care of yourself now.
423
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,674
Yeah, I miss you, too.
424
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:38,328
-Oh, do me a favor, will you?-Oh, there's more.
425
00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:41,244
Call Peg and tell her
everything's fine.
426
00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:42,593
Except the horse, right.
427
00:15:42,593 --> 00:15:44,639
-Except the horse.
-Thanks.
428
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:45,814
-Oh, what?
-What? What? What?
429
00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:47,337
-What?
-Too much dry grass
430
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:48,773
and not enough water.
She's got colic.
431
00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,732
Oh, that's serious!
432
00:15:50,732 --> 00:15:51,820
Floyd says it could kill her.
433
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:54,170
-Colic?-Intestines are blocked.
434
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:56,694
We gotta keep her on her feet
so they won't twist.
435
00:15:56,694 --> 00:15:57,957
And...
436
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,436
we gotta clean her out.
437
00:15:59,436 --> 00:16:01,961
Lots and lots of warm water.
438
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:04,876
I think I'll stroll
up to the front
439
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:06,791
to see how
the shooting's going.
440
00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:11,013
Hook this to
the spigot up there.
441
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,319
It looks awful high.
442
00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:13,320
You want the other end?
443
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,669
It's not so high.
444
00:16:14,669 --> 00:16:16,540
-Upsy-daisy.
-I love you, Daddy.
445
00:16:16,540 --> 00:16:18,760
My word. What's
all the excitement
about, Hawkeye?
446
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,283
Colonel Potter's
horse is congested.
447
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:21,806
We're trying
to help her out.
448
00:16:21,806 --> 00:16:23,983
-You're a good Christian.-Hallelujah.
449
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,376
Oh, I mean that
sincerely, Hawkeye.
450
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:28,117
Sophie's one of
God's creatures, too.
451
00:16:28,117 --> 00:16:30,337
Sometimes we all
need a helping hand.
452
00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:37,866
Hey, Hawkeye, she's tryingto lay down again!
453
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:39,650
Walk her around!
Keep her moving!
454
00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:42,436
The voice from above.
455
00:16:43,698 --> 00:16:44,829
Easy, sweetheart.
456
00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:46,135
It's not gonna hurt.
457
00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:47,397
The water's warm.Come on.
458
00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:48,964
Come on.
459
00:16:48,964 --> 00:16:51,749
In Atlantic City,this'd cost you $7.50.
460
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:54,709
Is it serious? Do you
want me to pray?
461
00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:56,667
You got a horse
prayer, Father?
462
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:59,801
I did one for a Great Dane
with peritonitis.
463
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:02,282
-Pray taller.
-So be it.
464
00:17:02,282 --> 00:17:04,806
-Keep her movin', Radar.-Yo.
465
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:07,765
Come on, girl.
Come on.
466
00:17:07,765 --> 00:17:09,289
Start the warm water.
467
00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:30,049
Take your loved onesand move to higher ground.
468
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:32,529
Is it warm enough?
469
00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:34,923
Just right.
470
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:40,189
I know just how
you feel, honey.
471
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:41,625
I once chewed
a whole pack of gum
472
00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:43,366
-with a bag of potato chips.-Ready?
473
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:45,368
I am, but the mare's
a little tense.
474
00:17:45,368 --> 00:17:46,935
Help's on the way.
475
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,767
-Stand by.
-Stand by!
476
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:54,638
Stand by!
477
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:56,423
Standing by!
478
00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:57,989
Standing by!
479
00:17:57,989 --> 00:17:59,295
Standing by.
480
00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:00,514
Stand by.
481
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:01,645
HAWKEYE:Turn it on!
482
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:02,907
Turn it on!
483
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:04,996
Turn it on!
484
00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:07,086
Here she comes!
485
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,218
Here she comes!
486
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:11,090
Here she comes.
487
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,092
Oi.
488
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,702
How's it goin'?
489
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:16,095
How's it going?
490
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,139
Terrific.
491
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:18,314
HAWKEYE:Hold the water!
492
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:19,837
Hold the water!
493
00:18:19,837 --> 00:18:22,231
Hold the water!
494
00:18:23,232 --> 00:18:24,755
Holding!
495
00:18:38,465 --> 00:18:41,250
-Hey! All right!
496
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,212
Yeah, Sparky, the horseis doing just fine.
497
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:48,779
Hey, how was
that movie we sent ya?
498
00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:50,912
It wasn't Gilda?
499
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:53,567
Ah, gee,
it said so on the box.
500
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:57,223
Ecstasywith Hedy Lamarr?
501
00:18:57,223 --> 00:19:00,574
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Sparky.I hope you're not mad.
502
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,273
She what?
503
00:19:04,273 --> 00:19:06,754
Naked?
504
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:10,975
With no clothes on?
Through the woods?
505
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:14,065
Well, when are you gonnasend the film back?
506
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:17,025
Well, when will you guysbe finished watching it?
507
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:20,376
-What do you mean next year?-
508
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:21,899
Hey, listen, Colonel Potter'scoming in now.
509
00:19:21,899 --> 00:19:23,901
But I want that film back.
510
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:31,909
-Hiya, Radar.
-Welcome home,
Colonel Potter, sir.
511
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:33,259
How's Mrs. Potter?
512
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,912
Bought herself
a 10-speed bicycle.
513
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:36,262
Gee, she's really swell.
514
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:37,872
Get my bags to my tent
515
00:19:37,872 --> 00:19:39,265
and unpack 'em right
away, will ya, Radar?
516
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:41,223
I've got some damp
shorts in there.
517
00:19:41,223 --> 00:19:42,703
-Wouldn't want 'em mildewed.-Don't want 'em to mildew.
518
00:19:42,703 --> 00:19:44,357
-How's everything?
-Oh, just fine, sir.
519
00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:46,228
-How's the mare?
-Clean as a whistle,
inside and out.
520
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:47,751
-Good!
-Uh-huh.
521
00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:52,582
-Klinger.
-Present.
522
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:54,889
Radar didn't tell meyou were in here.
523
00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:56,456
I'm not speaking to anybody.
524
00:19:56,456 --> 00:19:58,371
What the hellare you doing on my desk?
525
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:01,069
Depressed. 110%.
526
00:20:01,069 --> 00:20:02,940
This is it? Nonfunctioning?
527
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:04,986
The end of life's highway.
528
00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:06,292
What a shame.
529
00:20:07,815 --> 00:20:09,773
Well, what can I do?
530
00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:11,906
I'll arrange a discharge.
531
00:20:11,906 --> 00:20:13,386
What was that, sir?
532
00:20:13,386 --> 00:20:16,258
Severe depression
is a ticket home.
533
00:20:17,564 --> 00:20:19,740
I'll be packed in an hour!
534
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,003
I'm free! I'm free!
535
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:25,136
Laverne, here I come!
Romancin' and dancin'!
536
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:27,138
♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat
537
00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:29,750
♪ I'm puttin' on
my white tie ♪
538
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:31,839
♪ I'm puttin' on my tails
539
00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:37,758
Just blew it, didn't I?
540
00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:41,501
Yep.
541
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:43,633
Now I'm really depressed.
542
00:20:43,633 --> 00:20:46,201
Buck up, soldier. I gotthe material for your dress.
543
00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:48,551
-The blue or the red?
-The red.
544
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:49,900
Hot damn.
545
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:51,380
-Klinger!
-Sir.
546
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:52,947
Like to see you dothat Top Hatnumber
547
00:20:52,947 --> 00:20:54,165
for the wounded.
548
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:55,384
In the red dress?
549
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:56,733
You'll kill 'em.
550
00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:58,082
You're right.
551
00:20:58,082 --> 00:21:00,607
♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat
552
00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:02,173
Colonel, that man's a lunatic.
553
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:03,914
Yeah, but light on his feet.
554
00:21:03,914 --> 00:21:05,351
What is it, Burns?I'm exhausted.
555
00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:07,004
Well, sir,
while you were gone,
556
00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:08,441
Pierce committed
six major infractions
557
00:21:08,441 --> 00:21:09,877
of military
regulations.
558
00:21:09,877 --> 00:21:11,444
What were they?
559
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:13,054
Number one, in the
Mess Tent yesterday,
560
00:21:13,054 --> 00:21:14,751
he made a face at me.
561
00:21:14,751 --> 00:21:15,970
-He did?
-Yes, sir.
562
00:21:15,970 --> 00:21:17,319
He crossed his eyes
563
00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:18,842
and stuck out his tongue.
Like this.
564
00:21:22,933 --> 00:21:24,718
I don't have to hear
the other five.
565
00:21:24,718 --> 00:21:26,067
I'll takethe appropriate action.
566
00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:27,895
Good. Sir,
what are you gonna do?
567
00:21:27,895 --> 00:21:28,983
I'm going to sleep.
568
00:21:28,983 --> 00:21:29,984
Case dismissed.
569
00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:31,464
Yes, sir.
570
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,438
Hawkeye.
571
00:21:49,438 --> 00:21:51,919
-Hawkeye.
-Huh? Hmm?
572
00:21:51,919 --> 00:21:53,921
Pulse is rapid,
temperature's up.
573
00:21:53,921 --> 00:21:56,271
I can't stand it anymore.
574
00:21:56,271 --> 00:21:58,447
I'm ready. Your tentor my father's Chevy?
575
00:21:58,447 --> 00:22:01,494
- My appendix.
-Okay, okay, okay.
576
00:22:03,017 --> 00:22:05,585
Oh, isn't it funny howthey always seem to arrive
577
00:22:05,585 --> 00:22:07,630
at 3:00 in the morning?
578
00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:08,936
Hey!
579
00:22:08,936 --> 00:22:10,720
Hey! What? What?
580
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,766
-Appendix.
-Never heard of him.
581
00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:15,116
Come on. Margaret's gottahave her appendix out,
582
00:22:15,116 --> 00:22:16,509
and I need a gas passer.
583
00:22:16,509 --> 00:22:19,860
Okay, okay.
584
00:22:19,860 --> 00:22:21,296
Send me in, coach.
585
00:22:21,296 --> 00:22:23,385
-Oh, my God, it hurts.
-Okay. Come on.
586
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:26,562
Oh! I'm sorryI had to wake you.
587
00:22:26,562 --> 00:22:29,217
Forget it. I've been
asleep for 15 minutes.
588
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:38,487
-You ready, Beej?
-Ready when you are.
589
00:22:38,487 --> 00:22:39,880
Kellye, remember
590
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,664
Dr. Pierce prefers to workwith curved blades.
591
00:22:41,664 --> 00:22:43,013
Yes, ma'am.
592
00:22:43,013 --> 00:22:44,667
And separate your largefrom your small needles.
593
00:22:44,667 --> 00:22:46,539
Houlihan, don't kibitz.
You're the patient.
594
00:22:46,539 --> 00:22:48,367
Funny how these
things always happen
595
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:50,369
in the wee hours
of the morning.
596
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,544
Why wasn't I called?
597
00:22:51,544 --> 00:22:52,719
Mask!
598
00:22:52,719 --> 00:22:54,503
Well, I should bedoing this surgery!
599
00:22:54,503 --> 00:22:56,679
I know Major Houlihan'sappendix better than
any of you!
600
00:22:56,679 --> 00:22:58,115
Burns,
she asked for Pierce.
601
00:22:58,115 --> 00:22:59,508
I don't believe it!
602
00:22:59,508 --> 00:23:01,162
Great deal of
conflict here.
603
00:23:01,162 --> 00:23:02,729
You said it, brother--
uh, Father.
604
00:23:02,729 --> 00:23:04,600
Frank, she doesn't
want you here.
605
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,733
I'm not leaving till Ihear it from her own lips.
606
00:23:06,733 --> 00:23:08,343
Listen to these lips, Frank.
607
00:23:08,343 --> 00:23:09,518
Get out!
608
00:23:09,518 --> 00:23:10,998
She's delirious.
609
00:23:10,998 --> 00:23:12,216
Out!
610
00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:16,264
I hope you havea big scar!
611
00:23:16,264 --> 00:23:17,526
Can we get on with this?
612
00:23:17,526 --> 00:23:19,006
I gotta get up in
an hour and go to work.
613
00:23:19,006 --> 00:23:20,311
All right,Margaret, relax.
614
00:23:20,311 --> 00:23:21,400
Take a nice, deep breath.
615
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,923
I'm supposed to say that.
616
00:23:22,923 --> 00:23:24,359
Shut up, Margaret.
617
00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:26,492
Now let's have some fun.
618
00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:35,414
It's important to get on yourfeet the second or third day.
619
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:37,633
Thanks for doing
such a wonderful job.
620
00:23:37,633 --> 00:23:39,200
I'll throw in a guarantee.
621
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,376
Every thousand miles,I'll probe your chassis.
622
00:23:41,376 --> 00:23:42,595
Oh.
623
00:23:42,595 --> 00:23:43,987
The important thing
624
00:23:43,987 --> 00:23:45,641
after an experience
like this, my dear,
625
00:23:45,641 --> 00:23:47,077
is to keep moving.
626
00:23:49,950 --> 00:23:52,256
Atta girl. You know,
you could've wound up
627
00:23:52,256 --> 00:23:53,867
with a knot in your intestine.
628
00:23:55,390 --> 00:23:56,826
Did you say something?
44053
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