Original subtitles

Doctor, do you want me to hold that for you?

-Uh, Nurse. -Doctor?

Scratch, please.Left interscapular.

Ah... bullseye.

Lucky shot.

Lucky shot, nothing. I know my anatomy.

I wish I knew your anatomylike you know your anatomy.

- Anybody? Time. -About 0100.

0100? I worked around the clock.

Sure beats workin' around here.

I'm so bushed, I can'tremember my last patient.

-He had quintuplets. -Oh, yeah.

Silencio!

How can I operate with allthis flapdoodle going on?

Where there's a war, there's a way, Frank.

Wipe.

-How many more out there?-I counted 19 when I came in.

Nineteen?There were 19 two hours ago.

-They restock the shelveswhen they run out. -I'm closing, Colonel.

A couple more minutes,and I can take over for you.

-Why? -Why?

Well, you must be dog-tired.

Yes, but why me more than anyone else?

Oh, because you're old.

Uh, older than the rest of us, sir.

And you look dead... uh, beat.

Major, I can match you incision for incision,

suture for suture,

clamp for clamp, patient for patient!

But not goof for goof.

Oh, mind your own kipper,Pierce.

Sir, I was only trying--

I know what you were trying to do.

I was the first man in.I'll be the last man out.

If they have to carry me out.

-Hi, Klinger. -What you got, Igor?

-For Radar. -I'll give it tothe fink when he gets back.

-Why "fink"?-'Cause every time the finkgets a four-day pass

I get stuck with the job.

I may look like the perfect secretary,

but I'd rather dig latrines.

-Look at those nails. -Here, for you.

Do you know what this is?

This is the end to mybrilliant military career.

-You're crazy. -Not anymore.

I got somethingbetter than crazy.

If Frank Burns makes

any more patronizing cracksabout my age,

I'll take him behind the motor pool

and let the air out of his tires.

He didn't mean anythingby it, Colonel.

He was only trying to insult you.

Colonel, I've gotto talk to you right away!

Klinger, go put on a dress.

Pardon me, sir,did you call me "Klinger"?

If you aren't Klinger, who the Sam Hill are you?

Sam Hill maybe.

I am Zoltan, King of the Gypsies.

You just made my day.

Zoltan, King of the Gypsies,

you're talking yourself intoa court-martial, soldier.

You can't court-martial me.I'm not in the army.

-Not in the army? -No, sir.

I'm not an American citizen.

I think he's on tosomething good here.

I wouldn't miss it for allthe chipped beef in Korea.

Klinger, how can you be king of the Gypsies

when you're Lebanese?

Good question.

I was stolen from the Gypsies

by two ruthless Lebanesepeasants who brought me up

as their own flesh and blood.

I like this.

Look, a signed confessionfrom the culprits.

It's a signed confession, all right.

And I've been electedking of my whole tribe.

This is an urgent request toreturn and ascend the throne.

Sorry, I don't read Gypsy.

-Take my word for it. -Of course.

I'll be waiting in my tentwith my bags packed.

-You'll have a long wait.-Sir, my people need me.

Klinger,if I bought this story,

they'd boot me out of the army.

It's true.

Now I know why the sounds of violins

set my blood on fire.

Why I'm so attracted to storefront windows.

Why, when I smell paprika,I face toward Budapest.

Why I have the urge to roam.

Zoltan,roam the hell outta here.

If you'd likeyour tea leaves read...

-I prefer them green. -POTTER: Dismissed.

♪ Play gypsy, dance gypsy

♪ Play while you may

I think the king justgave himself a hernia.

No more rhubarb, Private?

-All gone, sir. -"All gone, sir"?

I'd like to know how come rhubarb always disappears the minute I show up.

It's not just rhubarb, Frank.People disappear.

Stay out of this, Snooping Sam.

Frank, why do you alwaysgive me a bad time

every time I give youa bad time?

Aw, blow it out your bagpipe.

Hello, Major.May I join you for somepleasant conversation?

Sure, Major. Sit down and keep your mouth shut.

We just got a call fromKorean Army Hospital 426.

They're screaming for supplies and surgeons.

They're up to their scalpelsin casualties.

-They need our help.-Well, for criminy sakes!

-We're surgeons, not supermen.-You can say that again.

Oh, are you comparing us toyour Colonel Penobscott again?

-Huh? -If Donald were here,

he'd be the first one to volunteer.

That's how he became engaged.She asked for volunteers.

I heard that.

-Here's your rhubarb, sir.-Oh, sure.

I'll volunteer, sir. Just say the word.

Sorry, Major.They didn't ask for nurses,and I'm not offering.

I'm dispatching two surgeons

and all the supplies a jeep can carry.

Oh, now how do we pick the two surgeons?

-Alphabetically is fine with me. -FRANK: Oh, sure!

Captain Pierce begins with a "P,"

and that puts Major Burnswith a "B" right at the top.

-Really? -Don't blow your top yet, Major.

-It won't be alphabetical.-I suggest straws, sir.

Two shortest out of three

-pulls the duty.-Where do you get three?

Well, Burns, one, Pierce, two, Hunnicutt, three.

-Potter, four. -You, sir?

Yes, me.

But, sir, you're a grandfather.

Yes, a grandfather,but not Whistler's mother.

Well, you're spry for your age, Colonel.

I mean, anyone can see that.

But as commanding officerand senior member

of the surgical staff,

shouldn't you put your juniorofficers on this detail?

-How do we shut Junior up?-Suture his lips.

Burns, I may not be a colt,

but I'm not an old, gray mare either.

-She's right. -I'm just as fit forthis detail as you are.

Maybe fitter!

We'll settle this right now.

Frank, how would youlike to be our firstkamikaze surgeon?

It's simple, Frank.You just do a lobotomyon yourself.

Ah, stick it in the freezer.

May I commandeer this deck for one minute?

Oh, but, sir, look.

Holy cow!

Sorry, son.

Two low cards go for a ride.

-Mm-hmm. -Hunnicutt.

Ten. I guess I getto wave bye-bye.

Burns.

Five. I do better with straws.

Three.Looks like a marriage, Frank.

I know I can do better, but at my age, can I wait?

-Deuce. -Well, that's a jip.

That means you go and I stay.Oh, that's good.

Well, Frank, looks likeyou've been jilted again.

It's you and me, Pierce.

Burns, load the jeep with supplies

and don't forget my Geritol.

Gowns, masks, sterile cotton, tape...

Tape. What did you do with the tape?

Here. Just 'cause I'm a Gypsydoesn't mean I stole it.

Today you're a Gypsy.Yesterday you were a ballerina.

Don't scoff, sir.Your fate is an open book to me.

-You're daffy. -We read the future.

So can I. In about five seconds, I'm gonna bust your nose.

Don't bite off morethan you can chew, sir.

Believe me, the futureis written in the palmof your hand.

Oh, yeah? What does it say?

-It says... -What is it? What do you see?

-Let me be the firstto congratulate you, sir.-Somebody die, leave me money?

-No, sir. You're gonnacover yourself with glory.-I am?

-Oh, Yes. You've got a strong glory line. -Go on.

You're about to go on a trip,sir, a mission of mercy,

to a hospital many miles away.

I see-- I see-- a medal.It's gold.

-A gold medal?

-It's turning green. -Green?

It says, "For your totaldisregard of danger,

"for operating aboveand beyond the call of duty,

for insisting to go on this missioninstead of Colonel Potter."

Oh, buzz off, goofball!

I know what your little game is, and it won't work.

Sir, you're 20 years youngerthan the colonel.

So? The old and the weak get knocked off.

The young and the strong survive.

It's the law of the jungle.

--A lion should eat your face!

Where does this go, sir?

There's room up front,Your Highness.

Ah, good idea.

The Colonel can use it as a footrest.

I'll rest my footon your butt.

Climb in, Pierce.Where's your gun?

Sulking under my cot.

We're not on speaking terms.

Go kiss and make up.You're taking it with you.

Colonel, if I touch that gun,I'll just trigger anotherargument.

Pierce, you're takingalong your sidearm.

Correct, I'm taking alongmy right-side arm

and my left-side arm.

You need an enemy before you can surrender, Hawkeye.

Didn't they teach you that in basic training?

Pierce, I'm notriding shotgun.

Get that weapon.

-Gun boy. -Ah, yes, sahib.

My feet are like wings, sahib.

You're not hitting thosehigh notes anymore.

-Hurt myself, sir. -I thought so.

Coffee, good and strong.

Oh, thanks, Zoltan. This will come in handy.

Your parka, Colonel.

Wouldn't know where to put it.

You'll need this.The roads are bumpy.

I know where to put that.

Your artillery, pard.

POTTER:Is it loaded?

Filled it with water myself, Colonel.

Watch out, everybody. I shoot to drown.

Do you thinkyou can find it?

If we run into trouble,I'll call AAA.

Have a safe trip, gentlemen.

How about a little kissfor the road?

-Oh, don't be ridiculous.-Then how about one for me?

Pierce, on this mission,you represent the 4077th,

-and don't forget that.-Forget what?

MASH would never send anofficer who would disgrace us.

You're right, Margaret.I'm staying.

Sit down, Pierce.

Beware, sirs,I see snipers,

and land mines,and artillery.

You see any good restaurants?

Cut the chatter. Let's move it.

Kick the chocks out from under the wheels.

Flaps up. No offense, Margaret.

Contact! We're off!

--Start the engine!

Oh, yeah.

Don't look now, but I think we're being followed by the war.

I've been followed bybigger wars than this.

Don't fight it, Colonel.

This one's bigger than both of us.

Col. Sherman Potter, MASH 4077.

Where you headed, sir?

Korean Hospital 426near Kumhwa.

-Are we close?-Two miles, dead ahead.

Can you make that "straight ahead"?

You'd better turn back, sir.This area isn't secured.

Neither are we. We're a mass of insecurity.

A lot of people bleedingto death up there, Sergeant.

Captain Pierce and I are surgeons. We're goin' in.

Goin' in isn't the problem,Colonel, getting out is.

-Sounds like marriage. -Let's go.

-Good luck. -Okay.

-Sirs! -Is our room ready?

We booked the Syngman Rhee suite

overlooking the motor pool.

Your commanding officer'sexpecting us.

Yes, sir. Inside.

Watch that.It's more valuable than allthe pickled cabbage in Korea.

-Verstehen? -I watch, sir!

They call this a hospital?

I wouldn't operate on your horse

under these conditions.

My horse wouldn't be caught dead in here.

Gentlemen.I'm Major Choi.

Colonel Potter. Uh, this is Captain Pierce.

Hiya.

How can I thank youfor coming?

How about 5,000 apiece in small bills?

Two enemy divisions attacked our forces

early this morning.

Successfully, I see.

I'm short of help and drugs.

Supplies are parked outside, Major.

I'll send for them right now.

Wash up over there.We go to work.

I think we got the job.

Thank you.

Metzenbaum scissors.

Scissors. Scissors.

I don't-I don't know whatto do with "Metzenbaum."

Uh, that-that instrument there,pretending to be sterile.

That's it.Good.

What'd you sterilizethis in, egg drop soup?

We do the best we can, Captain,with the little we have.

I'm sorry, it's just thatI'm opposed to germ warfare.

I'm not too crazyabout that warfare either.

Oh, great.Right in the middleof resecting a bowel.

Whoops.

-Getting tired, Colonel?-Doin' fine.

Haven't let a patient slipthrough my fingers yet.

You know, Colonel,in this light,

you look justlike Greer Garson.

In what picture?

"Mrs. Miniver."

-How long we been at this?-I started surgery in 1932.

-I mean, this session. -So do I.

Maybe we shouldcharge them piecework.

We can't. This is war.

By the way, which war is this?

The latest warto end all wars.

More of Klinger's coffee?

No, thanks.

It's beginning todissolve my fillings.

I told him strong, not lethal.

I can hardly keepmy eyes open.

They're closed.

There, you see what I mean?

Your eyelids are beginningto send you messages too.

Time for a little shut-eye.

I don't take orders from my eyelids.

-Sleep, come on.

I don't take orders from you either.

Come on, I know whatyou've been going through.

You're exhausted.

I am not. I slept last year.

If I said the word "sleep"three times to you,

-I'd put you right under.-Not a chance.

Oh, yeah?Watch this.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

-Evening, Klinger. -Evening who, sir?

Sorry, Zoltan.

-How's the tribe? -My tribe, they're yearning for me, sir.

Of course they are.What are you doing?

Working on a plan to turn the motor pool

-into a Gypsy caravan. -You too?

Any news about Hawkeyeand the Colonel?

-They didn't call. -I'm getting worried.

I don't like to havethem stay out so lateon a school night.

Put your mind at ease, sir.

We Gypsies have ways of finding things out.

Crystal ball?

Cards.

Concentrate with me, sir.

Ten of clubs.

Ace of spades.

King of diamonds.

Jack of hearts.

This... this is the crucial card.

Ah, Queen of diamonds.

Holy mackerel! I drew a straight!

-Hawkeye. -Huh?

Did I--

I did. I fell asleep.

You're one heckof a hypnotist.

It works, I just did it backwards.

You can take over now.

Game's tough, and you're sending in your ace reliever, huh?

That's right. We're losing,and the bases are loaded.

Listen, you wanna finish a great dream for me?

If I can't come upwith one of my own.

I was in a candlelit room.

Soft music in the background.

Soft girl inthe foreground.

Stop right there. I'm a married man.

Well, can you at least buyher a drink till I get back?

Sure.

I watched your work.

It was a magnificentperformance.

Souvenir programs areavailable in the lobby.

Major, I wish you'd drop in on us one day

at the 4077th and watch the whole team in action.

We do a matinee that has 'emrolling in the aisles.

We have a good bunch of doctors.

-Even Frank Burns?-You mean old Ferret Face?

You've heard of him.

Yes, he worked on a few of my men.

-And they survived? -Yes, they were lucky.

Again, thank youfor all your help.

Thank you for all your wounded,

without which our helpwould have meant nothing.

-Well, goodbye, Major. -Goodbye.

-May luck go with you. -Yes, he may.

Tell him to hurry.

Anan-nyung.

Anan-nyung.

I could use a belt.

Why, are your pants falling down?

Klinger thoughtof everything else.

You don't suppose--

Huh?

Bless that Gypsy.

-Belly up to the bar, Hawkeye.-Delighted!

To Klinger!

To Klinger's nose!

-That's a double. -All right.

To Zoltan!

To Zoltan's nose!

-That's a double. -That's a double.

-To Charles de Gaulle! -And his nose!

That's a triple!

-Here's to your nose. -Oh, that's a-that's a half a one.

-Hawkeye, your gun! -Forget that! Come on!

What are they bombing us for?

We're already bombed.

They totaled our jeep.

-The case will be in court for years.

Get down!You wanna be a dead duck?

No, I'd rather be a live chicken.

You wanna cut it out!

Oh, that was close.

I believe my life is about to pass before my eyes.

Let me know when it does.I love a parade.

Even short ones?

Too young to die, Pierce?

I was hoping I'd make it to Thursday.

Well, I'm gonna give 'emone hell of a fight

before they drag me offto any Chinese prison camp.

What's the matter,you don't like Egg Foo Young?

Miserable place fora regular army man

to spend the war.

Well, I don't believeanybody's made the offer yet.

I think we just gotan-an invi-invitation.

What are you shooting for?

Well, that's the waythis game is played.

They shoot at us.We shoot at them.

The last oneto shoot, wins.

Here, it's your turn.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

The reason they're shootingis that they're angry.

If I shoot back,they'll just get angrier.

Pierce, you got agood sense of humor,

but a lousysense of timing.

Fire that weapon.

Fire it? I don't even like looking at it.

I said,"Fire that weapon!"

All right. You're fired.

I did it as gently as I could.

That was an order, Pierce.

Oh, waiter, would you takethis man's order, please?

Fire the gun, Hawkeye.

Look, Colonel,I'll treat their wounds,

heal their wounds, bind their wounds,

but I will not inflict their wounds.

You can't just sit there.

I may be sitting on the outside,

but I'm running on the inside.

You love life that little?

I hate guns that much.

For God's sake, man,defend yourself.

Don't think of itas a gun.

Think of it as a greatlittle noisemaker,

the loudest cap pistolin Korea.

Just shoot it and scarethe living hell outta them.

Well, that-that I can do.

All right, everybody, I start shooting

at the count of three. What's the matter?

Oh, thank you.

--Out of the way! Look out!

Out of the way! Behind the trees!

Take cover! Look out!

There, I used up all my bullets.

Now can I go home?

You're a crazier soldierthan a surgeon.

Thank you.

-You hear that?-No, I don't hear a thing.

That's what I mean.

Nobody's there. They amscrayed.

Come here. Come here, Pierce.

Take a look.

Don't shoot.

Don't shoot. We're one of you.

You're one of us.Apple pie, Betty Grable.

-Clara Bow. -"Clara Bow?"

-Frank's right, you are old.-You medics?

-Surgeons with a MASH unit.-What are you doing up here?

-Lookin' for broads. -You're not gonna find any there, Captain.

No, no, he's-he's lookin'for c-casualties.

Oh, they all pulled out. We're moving out.

Let's go.

You didn't hit a singlething, sharpshooter.

Well, you fired as many shots as I did

and you were the one whosaid you shot the apple

off the kaiser's head.

Confidentially, Hawkeye,

I couldn't hit a bulletwith the side of a barn.

Look out for that bush.

Whoo!

-You all right, sir?-Great! Why shouldn't I be?

Well, you've been through some terrible ordeals.

-What ordeals? -Well, the Korean hospital ordeal,

the bunker ordeal.

Piece of cake. Enjoyed every minute.

Well, I think I'll turn inafter I do my 50 pushups.

Care to join me?

Uh, no, thank you, sir.

-Good night.-Thanks for looking in, Major.

Come in.

Finished with your tea, sir?

It was delicious, Klinger.

May I read the tea leaves, sir?

By all means.

Says here, you're gonnatake pity on a poor Gypsy boy

who desperately wants to go home to his people.

Let's have a look.

The way I read it, the poor Gypsy boy

is in danger of annoyinghis commanding officer.

And if he keeps it up,he'll get a boot inhis tambourine.

Got ya, sir. Good night.

Good night, Klinger.