Original subtitles

MAN: Go, go, go, go, go!

How many times have I told you?

Deliveries in the rear.

We overrana North Koreanaid station.

We got some of oursand some of theirs.

You mean they brought in Commies?

This bus willpick up anybody.

FRANK:Well, I didn't come toKorea to treat the enemy.

B.J.:I'm sure they'll be gladto hear that, Frank.

O.R. Stat! Prep him.

Litter!

Rest in peace.

Now, this one can wait.

Well, what do we got here?

A wounded Commie officer, huh?

Please. Take a look at that man across the way.

What, you giving me instructions?

He has an intra-abdominal bleed.

Probably a ruptured spleen.

-Listen, wise guy, I'm the doctor here. -He's delirious.

Last week, he thoughthe was a fire chief.

Ah, you wanna hear a hot one?

This pinko here is trying to teach me medicine.

Tell him he's wasting his time.

You keep your trap shut, Commie!

You're in enough trouble as it is.

Please, Doctor!

That man has internal bleeding.

He needs surgery immediately.

-Radar! -Sir.

Get thisman into pre-op.

-He's number one on the hit parade. -Right. Roy!

Oh, for criminy sakes, why do you listen to him

when you won't listen to one of your own kind?

Oh, nerts to you.

Don't tell me. Let me guess,

you're a doctor, right?

And that man, he has a crushed femoral artery.

You'll have to take the leg.

Yeah, I looked at him.He's on his way.

He's terrified he will be killed.

Tell him not to worry, Doctor.

Your patients are ours now.

But I warn you, we don't split fees.

You know, I've beenvery worried about you,Margaret.

Really?

You know, your fiancéwhat's-his-name, uh,

-Ronald? -Donald.

-Right. -Right.

You know,maybe you're naive,

and don't see thatthere are deceitful peoplein this world.

I've been doing a lot ofthinking about this in my tent,

-alone, at night. -Right, Frank.

No, really,he just might bestringing you along.

He gave me a ring!

-Well, big deal.

I mean, he could bemarried, you know.

-Oh-- -And didn't tell you.

You remember how ourrelationship started?

Right.

Well, this guy should be eternally grateful.

And internally grateful.

Okay, Kellye, you can close now.

Believe me, Major,I wouldn't operateon this commie

if Potterdidn't make me.

-It really burns my butt. -Mine, too.

You're not the only real American here, Frank.

I know, I know.

I included your buttright along with mine.

You watch that mouth, or I'll tell Donald.

"I'll tell Donald.I'll tell Donald."

Excuse me.Could we get on with it?

Oh, shut up!

Have you been eavesdroppingon our conversation?

-I have tried not to. -FRANK: Listen, bub,

if you come out of this,

you'd better not repeat a word of what you've heard.

I promise.

I'm so upset, Margaret.

I mean, look at my hand shaking.

MARGARET: Relax.You'll feel betterafter the operation.

-How's it going, Frank?-We're just about to operateon your Commie friend.

Oh? I thought it was a rehearsal for "The Bickersons."

-Doctor? -All right, Margaret,

let's getthis over with.

No, wait!

Doctor, could I ask you a favor?

Want me to put a nickel in the parking meter?

Would it be possible foryou to operate on me?

I don't think themajor's heart is in it.

Look, I didn't askfor this job.

You wannatake over, Pierce,just say the word.

Please.

On one condition. Do you have Blue Cross?

Okay, Frank, I got him.

You can have him.I'd rather get some sleep.

-Gloves, please. -Thank you, Doctor.

You know, when I gota haircut in the States,

I always waitedfor the head barber.

Ah, it was worth it.

How do you like it?

Short on the top, thick on the sides?

-Margaret? -Ready, Doctor.

While I'm cutting,you give him a manicure.

Nurse.

Nurse.

Nurse!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?Stop that!

-Able! Stop that! Let him alone! -But he was choking!

O'Reilly!Corporal O'Reilly!

Major Burns?

What is it?

Sir, Major Houlihanwants you.

-Margaret? -Yes, sir.

She says she needsyou right away, badly.

I knew she'd come to her senses.

Where is she?

-Post-op.-Post-op? Is she crazy?

Somebody will see us.

Hawkeye?

I said I'd take you home,but it isn't light yet.

Hawkeye, wake up.

Radar, do me a favor, will you?

Drive this lady home.My keys are in my sport coat.

-Hawkeye! -B.J.: Radar!

If you insist on making noise,

will you please be quiet about it?

Hey, listen! Wake up. It's that North Korean.

Major Houlihan says hetried to kill some guy.

And you woke me up just for that?

This ought to keep him in his place.

-What are you doing, Frank?-Strapping this heathen down.

-He tried to kill that patient.-Tried to kill him?

He was pulling out his trach tube.

That's the way these yellow devils think.

It's burned into their brains.

Kill Americans. Kill! Kill!

They don't respect human life the way we do.

I'd like to take him out and shoot him.

-Brilliant. -What happened?

His tube was clogged.

He couldn't breathe,so I tried to clear it.

Nurse, clear that trach tube.

Don't unleash him. He's a killer.

Frank, he was trying to help the guy.

Well, why should he help one of our men?

I wouldn't help one of theirs.

I think we should tell Colonel Potter.

-I dare you. -I double dare you.

Oh, yeah? Well, nobody double dares me

and gets away with it.

Don't worry about them.

They don't seem as bad as they really are.

What will happen to me, Captain?

Well, afteryou've recovered,

they'll send youto a P.O.W. camp.

You'll treat other prisoners.

Worms, foot fungus, diarrhea.

Real challengefor a doctor.

Worse.

I'm a surgeon. University of Chicago.

I wondered where you gotthat Midwestern accent.

I interned at Cooks County Hospital.

Pretty good training.

-Evening, boys. -Klinger.

You know,

I've been in the combatfor almost three years,

but that still strikes me asa very ugly woman.

You ought to see her naked.

Then we'd really have tostrap you down.

MARGARET: If you want to know what I think,

I think he's a spy.

Good point, Margaret.That makes a lot of sense.

Sure, he shot himself in the thigh

just to get in here, huh?

Well, why not?They're diabolical.

Forgive me, Colonel,but you don't understand

the Oriental mindthe way I do.

I'll buy that.

What information could he get in here?

How many Q-Tips we've got?

-How many suppositories?-Right.

Why am I wasting time like this

when I could be sawing wood?

Let me put it this way,Burns, Houlihan.

-Colonel? -Yes, sir?

Dismissed!

You saved the leg.

How is that possible?

New procedure.

We took a section ofthe saphenous vein,

reversed it, and graftedit into the femoral artery.

So you can do that now.

I knew they wereworking on such a thing.

It was perfected byan Italian macaroni expert.

Remarkable.

You're so far ahead of us in many ways.

We even developedthe banana daiquiri.

You know, I wish the circumstances were different

and we could be working together.

You'd be willingto do that?

You treat the enemy.

Why can't I?

Radar, you look pensive.

No, sir. I'm just thinking.

You seem to be picking at your food.

Just cautious.

-Mm-hmm. -Mmm.

Radar, you're a remarkable person.

Naive, yet wise. Gentle, but strong.

No more nurses' shower pictures.

My camera's rusty.

Don't beso suspicious.

I just wanna askyou a question.

Oh, no. Here it comes.

Suppose therewas a doctor

who wanted tojoin this outfit.

Oh, heck. That's easy.

All he'd have to do is, uh,get in touch with I Corps

and request a transfer.

Problem.

This doctor is from the other side.

Other side of what?

Other side of the war.

You mean he's from Supply?

No, Radar.He's North Korean.

You guys are kidding, right?

Hey, that's a real problem.

I Corps disapproves of the enemy.

Yeah, but it's not impossible, is it?

I mean, you've got lowfriends in high places.

-Be persuasive. -Be charming.

-Use force.-No, I couldn't do that.

Beej, the, uh, thenurses' annual physical iscoming up soon, isn't it?

-Mm-hmm, and we'regonna need an assistant.-Oh, yeah.

Is that the, uh, complete physical, same as last year?

B.J.: It's better.

Mmm.

We're gonna needa set of orders,

I.D., dog tagsand a uniform.

With all that stuff,

you could transferFlash Gordon to the outfit.

We don't want him. Bleaches his hair.

Listen, um, Sparky couldreally help us on this,

but he's gonna want somethin'.

-Somethin' really good.-We already anticipated that.

How would Sparky likea solid gold Chinese watch

taken directly from the wrist of an enemy officer?

-With his permission, may I add. -Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's very nice but, uh,he'd never be able to readthe time,

it's gotChinese numbers on it.

It comes with an instruction book.

The symbol at the top is a 12,the one at the bottom is a six.

Hey, they stole that from us.

We stole waffles from them.

I thought that was p-sgetti.

Come on, come on.Will Sparky do it?

Well, uh, for this watch,

I think he would probablytransfer his own mother.

Have a safe journey.

-Good luck and God be with you. -Thank you.

Aw, knock it off and get on the bus.

-Frank has trouble saying good-bye. -You better move along

-if you want a window seat.-Yes.

Brokenhearted, Pierce,

about losing your good North Korean buddy, hmm?

No. I was gettingkinda tired of the guy.

He beat me out of eight bucks in Chinese checkers.

FRANK: All right, come on.

Let's bring these men uphere and get 'em loaded.

Come on.

"Captain Cho Wunho, board certified,

"Chicago, 1949."

-Welcome aboard, Captain.-Thank you, Colonel.

You know, Radar,this is the first time

I Corps has sentus help without usscreaming about it?

Oh, yes, sir. That's right.

Well, you know how it is.

Sometimes when you don'tyell and holler the loudest,

they hear you the most.

Well put.

Can you find quartersfor the new doctor, Radar?

Um, your permission to move him into the Swamp, sir?

Oh. Okay.

But prepare yourself, Captain.

At first, your roommatesmay appear a bit crazy.

But later on, you'll findout they're only lunatics.

I'm accustomed to livingwith Americans, Colonel.

Colonel? Oh, I'm sorry.

-I didn't know you were busy.-POTTER: No. Come in, Major.

-I'd like you to meet our new doctor. -Oh.

Major Houlihan,Captain Cho Wunho.

Haven't we met before?

I was thinking the same thing.

There's a little gin millin Seoul, the Pink Pagoda.

-Didn't we tango? -Certainly not.

I mean, I've never been there.

-I must be mistaken. -Perhaps I'm also.

Uh, why don't you take the doctorto his quarters, Radar?

Oh, right away, sir. Sir?

Oh, Captain?

You'll go on duty at 18:00 hours.

Will somebodyplease call me?

I recently lostmy watch.

Uh, that will be no problem, sir.

I'll-I'll call you.

I swear I know that man.And I don't tango.

Maybe it wasthe cha-cha-cha.

I'm kidding.

HAWKEYE: You wanna sponge that, Frank?

FRANK: Okay, okay!

Why do we need anotherdoctor all of a sudden?

Frank, we've been short a doctor here since the day you showed up.

I'm as good a doctor as the next man.

Provided the next manis Lou Costello.

You know, Major Houlihanand I think

there's something fishyabout this Dr. Cho.

You'd think there was something fishy about Albert Schweitzer.

There is.If he were a good doctor,

he'd be in Beverly Hills helping the wealthy.

HAWKEYE: Sponges, please. More sponges.

Frank, I can't see. You're standing in my light.

Colonel, do you wanna takea look at what he's doing?

HAWKEYE: Frank, come on,will ya!

Clamp.

I've never seen a heminephrectomy

done like that, Doctor.

Where'd you pick that up?

Professor Goodson in Chicago, sir.

POTTER: Ah. Read about it. Never seen it.

-Beautiful work. -Thank you, Colonel.

Mmm. Well, carry on.

Halt!

What's your business,gentlemen?

-You are a nurse?-No. I'm Corporal Klinger.

I don't like to brag,

but I madethis outfit myself.

What do you think?

Most becoming.

We are from the KATUSAhospital at Kumgang.

You have these supplies?

"Plasma, penicillin,morphine, achromycin."

Sounds like you'reopening a drugstore.

What's goin' on here, Klinger?

Oh, Major Burns, sir,

these men are fromthe hospital at Kumgang.

-They need supplies. -Forget it.

We're not here to hand out supplies

to every Tom, Dick and Kwang.

-I'll check withColonel Potter.-Don't bother Potter.

I can say no all by myself. No!

But we must havethese supplies.

Pardon me, Major, but, uh,what is your name, please?

Frank Burns. What's it to you?

We have heard of a greatdoctor called Frank Burns.

Could you be him?

Of course.

We have heard that he neverturns down people in need,

that he is as generousas he is skilled.

Yeah, well, I'm, uh,

sort of the Albert Schweitzer of Korea, you know.

What an honor itis to meet you.

Oh. Well, what are you guys standing around for?

Get these people what they need and hurry up.

Right away, sir!

Excuse me.

-You're getting suppliesfor those men? -Yes, sir.

It's Major Burns'sorders, sir.

They are imposters, you know?

-What? Who, sir? -The men in the jeep.

It is common practice to change uniforms

and get supplies from the units like these.

-You mean they're the enemy? -Yes.

Be careful of them.

-Hey, I gotta tell Colonel Potter. -No.

They are desperate and heavily armed.

W-Well, what should we do?

The easiest way is to give them what they want.

Then they will go, peacefully.

-Promise me something, Radar.-Yeah?

If anything happens,

bury me in the blue chiffon.

You sure you fellas won't come in for a cup of coffee?

There might even be some pudding left over from lunch.

I don't think so.

It's rice pudding.

You guys are supposed to like that.

No. No,we have no time.

We must getsupplies and leave.

Uh, stay a while.

I could tell you about my work with, uh,

arterial transplants.

Some other time.

Hey, I just had a wild thought.

How would it be if I came back with you guys to your hospital?

Give all your staff a chance to meet me, huh?

We could get everybody together,

and I could give them a talk. Huh?

N-no. We mustleave quickly.

You know, perhapsthe major has a good idea.

Yes. I thinkhe would be quite useful.

Oh, I'd have to be back in a couple of hours.

That is no problem.

-The hospital is close by.-Great!

Uh, wait a minute.Major, where you goin'?

Well, I'm going withthese boys back to meeteveryone at their hospital.

Should be a real treat for 'em.

Oh, you can't do that, Major!

-What?-What he means is, uh,you can't leave us.

-What would we do without you? -Yeah!

What are you talking about?I'm off duty.

Well, sir, who's gonna helpus plan the dance tonight?

-Ah-ah! The dance. -Dance? What dance?

Nobody told me about any dance.

Let's all go to the colonel's office

-and discuss it, sir. -The colonel's office.

Let go, and that's an order!

These boys are in a big hurry.

That is true.We must go now.

Major, what about the class this afternoon?

You know, on how to recognize the enemy?

You had all that in basic training.

If you can't recognize the enemy by now,

you're in a lot of trouble.

All set. Let's go!

Break a leg.

I've seen the man work.He's a qualified surgeon.

He gives me the creeps.

He's alwayswatching everything.

Last night, I came outof the shower, and, sureenough, there he was.

That is suspicious.

Last night wassupposed to be my night.

Colonel?

Well, what do you want me to do?

Just check up on him.That's all I ask.

Colonel Potter! Sir?

Major Burns just drove offwith two men in a jeep.

They were bad men, sir.I think they were the enemy.

What men? What jeep? What enemy?

Well, these twoguys come in

and they wereasking for supplies,

so we give themwhat they want.

And then Major Burnsgets in the jeep withthem and goes off.

-Why? Did they force him?-No, ma'am.

I think hewanted to go.

Radar, get on the phone,call the M.P.s,

alert them about that jeep.

-Yes, sir. -Wait a minute. Radar?

Sir.

How do you know thosemen were enemy soldiers?

Captain Cho told us.

Captain Cho?How did he know?

I don't know. He just knew.

-Well, isn't that interesting? -Hmm.

Oh, what is it now?

Sir. I.D.s, please.

Well, why are you stopping us?

Been a slow day?

Need a little excitementto break up the monotony?

We have important business to attend to.

Sorry, sir, but there've been some infiltrators

coming down to get supplies.

Oh, these men are not infiltrators.

One good look should tell you that.

Now, listen.

I am Major Frank Burns,MASH 4077th.

TheMajor Burns.I'm sure you've heard of me.

-Mm-hmm.-Well, of course, you have.

I can vouch for these men personally.

MAN: We're checking everybody, Major.

FRANK: Now, listen, Sergeant,

instead of bothering doctors

who are trying todo some good in this world,

why don't you run out andcatch some... kidnappers?

Let's go.

I should have done somethingto save Major Burns,

but I was afraid.

If those men had recognized me,

they would have panicked.

Look, you didwhat you could.

Yeah. Look at the bright side...

maybe they'll keep him.

Well, I'm glad you're all here.

Ah, Colonel Potter.What a surprise.

I'm glad we had thefurniture cleaned.

The new drapes are due Friday.

Okay, cutthe phony baloney.

-The ball game's over. -What's up?

I just checked with Headquarters,

and I know allabout Paik or Cho orwhatever your name is.

I'm gonna have toput you under arrest.

Come on, Colonel,

you're not gonna throw awaya perfectly good doctor

on a technicality?

Technicality?This man's the enemy.

Enemy schmenemy.

-He's a surgeon. -And a good one.

Please, gentlemen. I knew it couldn't last.

I just wanted to help.

Look, I understand whatyou were trying to do,

and between you, me and the grand piano,

it wasn't a bad idea.

But damn it!I could lose my pension,wind up in the stockade.

There must be someway we can keep him.

Nada. It was Houlihan andBurns who put the bee on him.

If they can figureit out, anybody can.

Well, that's true.

-Dr. Paik, I'm sorry. -Me too.

You did what you could.

You don'tsuppose your side

would be interestedin an exchange?

We keep youand they keep Frank?

No, they'd nevergo for that.

FRANK: Why don't I start outwith a couple of jokes,

then go into a personalautobiography of myself.

I'll tell 'em about the Boy Scouts,

how I rode a two-wheelerat 13 and--

and how I worked my waythrough med school

selling burial plots door to door.

I wish I had time to get a haircut.

Well, they'll understand.After all, it's war.

Did I mention that I taughtmy rabbit how to smile?

Why did we stop?

Get out.

Why? Something wrong with the jeep?

Oh, don't tell me we're out of gas.

We are past the checkpoint,

and we don't need you anymore.

Besides, you'redriving us crazy,

and we don't needa hostage that badly.

Get out.

What do you mean?

You simpleton. We are North Koreans.

Honest Injun?

Don't hurt me!

I'll tell youanything you wanna know.

Get out of the jeep.

You're not gonnatorture me or anything?

Some other time.

Go back to your camp.

It's the best thing youcould do for our side.

You ungrateful creeps!

I wouldn't lecture to you

if you got down on yourknees and begged me!

Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

And you lost your watch, too.

Forget it. With those Chinese characters,

I could never read it anyway.

Here. Take this.

It's a little going-away present.

A cake we madein the Mess.

Thank you.

Don't thank ustill you taste it.

Cheer up, gentlemen.

The war will not last forever.

Yeah, maybe afterwards,you'll come tothe States sometime,

and we'll-we'llall get togetherand have a few beers.

Or perhaps you'll take an exotic cruise to my country,

and we'll share some rice wine.

I bet you knowsome terrific placesfor Chinese food.

One or two...

but they're in Chicago.

Good-bye.

Geez, he was a pretty good doctor.

What a waste.

I just hope he doesn't takea bite out of that cake.

There's a saw in it.

Those clowns didn't fool mefor a minute.

I knew they were Commiesthe whole time.

Then why did you go with them?

Well, I figured I'd gathera little intelligence.

You could use it.

They pulled guns on me,

so I gave them both a quick karate chop,

knocked 'em coldand headed back to camp.

Why didn't you bring back the jeep?

-The jeep? -B.J.: Yeah, the jeep.

It's a big green thing.

Looks like a turtle witha thyroid condition.

POTTER: You let a jeepfilled with medical supplies

fall into enemy hands.

Well, it was ahumanitarian thing to do.

I mean, after all, they may be Commies,

but they're people, too.Sort of.

Good, we've got a whole tentfilled with North Koreans

in need of attention.

They're all yours.

All by myself?

Don't whine, Frank,you're the humanitarian.

Oh, and what are you guys?

We're all-night poker players.

Come on, Hawk, Colonel.

-Goodnight, Albert.-Goodnight, Dr. Schweitzer.

A whole tent full.