Original subtitles

Suture. Clamp.

Suture.

Sponge.

Frank, as long as we have to work together,

I don't see why we can't be friends.

Friends? Don't youdare mention the word"friend" to me,

you-- you nurse.

Scissors.

-Ow! -Hmm.

Hey, you two, these publicdisplays of affection

have got to stop.

I've seen it happen before.

Married men go all to pieces

when their girlfriends get engaged.

Cut.

It's not losinga girlfriend.

He's afraid of gettinghis own wife back.

Look at this foot.

Kid's quite a marksman, isn't he?

Don't let Frankhear you say that.

If he finds outthis kid shot himself,

he'll form a posseand have him lynched.

Yeah. Suture.

Wonder why they always go for the foot.

Why didn't he try shooting himself in the canteen?

Yeah, then they couldwin the Purple Tush.

Close for me.

Blow it out your ear.

All right, where did youhide the Band-Aids?

Band-Aids? Frank, you're working on an abdominal wound

the size of the Grand Canyon.

It's for me, you simp.

She pinched my pinkiewith the scissors.

She was getting even, Frank.

You've pinched her plenty of times.

-Tit for tat. -Yeah, what's that?

That? In medical parlance, we call that a foot.

-See? It's a matched set.-You know what I mean.

I happen to be an experton foot wounds,

and that looks fishy to me.

I think he hasa fish fetish.

This man shot himself.

No, no, no, no. That'snot what happened, Frank.

-No? -No, no, no.

See, this is, uh,this is Danny Fitzsimons,

the star placekickerfrom Fordham.

Now, what happenedis an enemy soldier

shot at him fromvery close range.

And instinctively,

Danny tried to kickthe bullet out of the way.

It's true.

-You're kidding! -No.

Well, what about the enemy soldier?

Ten-yard penalty.

For roughing the kicker.

Twerps.

There's an incoming chopper,sirs. Two wounded.

Radar, get him into post-op.

And then gofind Father Mulcahy.

I think he oughtahave a little talk

-with our football hero.-Yes, sir.

-Corporal? -Yes, sir.

Does Fordham have a football team?

I don't know, sir. I've beenin post-op all morning.

Oh.

Take care of my pal first.He's much worse.

We're gonna take care of everybody.

Please go check on him.He saved my life.

Lift him out.

Notice anything unusual about this guy?

He's out of uniform.He's wearing a fur coat.

I'm glad he's conscious.

I'd hate to have to give him

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

-How is he? -He's fine.

He just asked mehow you bust out ofthis chicken outfit.

Come in.

Um, Father--

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

No, no.Oh, what is it, Radar?

Uh, Father,

Captain Pierce wants youin the O.R. right away.

He says he has someone he wants you to talk to.

Well, certainly,certainly.

It's not for thelast rites, is it?

-Uh, no, sir. -Thank heaven.

Oh, uh, Father...

excuse me, would you happen to know, uh,

if Fordham has a football team?

A darn good one.

They don't call themthe Rams for nothing.

I knew a priest would know.

He tried to warn meabout the mine,

but I wasn'tpaying attention.

So he tripped it...saved my life.

I think he's gonna be all right.

It's mostly the leg, especially the paw.

Captain, I don't mean to seem unsympathetic,

but that dog really shouldn't be in here.

Think of the germs.

You have more germsthan that dog, nurse.

I beg your pardon!

I rise in defense of the lady.

She showers frequently.

I know because I watch her.

Pervert.

I just meantthat dogs don't have

-as many germs as humans.-HAWKEYE: Forget it.

Hawkeye, there's someone you want me to talk to?

Yeah, I got kindof an unusual casefor you, Father.

Oh, my.

What denomination is he?

HAWKEYE:He's a German shepherd.

I guess that makes hima Lutheran.

Oh, gee. What happened, fella?

It's not the dog,Father.

It's Private Fitzsimonsin post-op.

Well, what's the trouble?

Why don't you just go have a talk with him, okay?

Certainly.

-Oh, Frank, um... -Huh?

I got a case over here.

It's a little over my head.

It's another foot wound. Since you're the expert,

-why don't you take it?-Oh, of course.

Well, you understand,Pierce,

that it's not necessarily

because I'm a bettersurgeon than you.

It's just that,uh, I know my feet.

I know.

Uh, listen, I-I, um,

I think I oughta warn you

that this definitely is self-inflicted.

-You're sure? -Positive.

He tripped a land mine on purpose.

We have a witness.

Well, I'm hereas a doctor.

I mean, first we'llget him healthy again,

then, uh,court-martial him.

And if all goes well,

put him in frontof a firing squad.

-Where is he? -Right over here.

That's a dog!

-Very good, Frank.-I knew he'd get it.

Well, I'm not operating on any damn dog.

Oh, come on, sir. You've got to.

After all, dogs are people, too.

Well, I'm not going to do it,

especially because that's a self-inflicted wound.

He did it to save my life.

Well, that's what he says now.

Look, he might be a dog,

but he also happensto be a corporal

in the United States Army.

See, these two were scheduled

to be rotated backto the States any day now.

And it wouldn't lookvery good, Frank,

if-if-if, uh...What's his name?

Cupcake.

Really?

If Corporal Cupcake nevermade it back to the States

because you wouldn'toperate on him.

Don't forget, Frank,he's a hero.

Yeah, he's scheduledto be awarded

the Silver Fire Hydrant.

Well, I better scrub.

You're gonna be okay, boy.

An altar boy, my.

Where you from?

Philadelphia.

Saint Isadore's Parish.

Philadelphia!

I was inthe seminary there.

You must knowFather Marty Gallagher.

Sure do. He's my pastor.

Oh, I studied with him.Oh, what a man.

We used to call him"Boom Boom" Gallagher.

So did we.

Father, do you know how hegot his name Boom Boom?

No, I don't.

He was a chaplain in World War II.

He was always way up at the front.

He was so close to the artillery

that when he finished a sermon,

the enemy would say "Amen."

Yes, he used to tell usstories about the war.

But I have to admit,

I don't find war quiteas exciting as he did.

Neither do I.

You know, Father Gallagher

would be proud of youright now.

I don't think so.

Oh, why wouldn't he be?

Because I shot myself in the foot

to get outta here.

Oh, my goodness.

Danny, how old are you?

Eighteen...and a half.

Well, you're young.

You're far from home.You made a mistake.

But we alldo foolish things.

It wasn't foolish.

I'd do it again in a minute.

You can't mean that.

Father, you sit around

with your butt in the mud for weeks,

watching snipers pick offyour buddies one by one.

They sneak up at night in canvas shoes

so you can't hear them.

One night, I was in a foxhole

with four other guys.

I snuck out to go to the latrine,

and when I got back,

all four of them were dead.

I couldn't take it anymore.

Danny, I'm sureit's rough out there.

I-I imagineit's very difficult,

-but-- -You imagine?

Father, haven't you ever been up there?

-No. -Not even once?

You've never been up there,not even for a little while?

Well...

I've wanted to go...

but...

I-I'm not allowed.

Boy,

if Boom Boom could see us now.

He'd wonder where he went wrong.

Well, let's nottalk about Boom Boom.

Let's talk about you.

Tell me about it.

I know it's rough.

Father, with all due respect,

we don't haveanything to talk about.

Let's face it,

you have no ideawhat it's like up there.

Whoops! Missed again.

I have the same troublemyself, sir.

Well, at least my cheekswon't be bloodshot.

If these drops of yours work,

I'll get you a field promotion.

Sir, I know we've talkedabout this before,

but I want you to understandhow useless I feel here.

Why, the men don't needmy words of comfort

when they're safeand being taken care of.

They need comfort up there,

where they're wet and cold and facing bullets.

Father, you've gotthe toughest job in camp,

and there's not much glory in it

like there is forthe surgeons and the nurses.

But you're the one who really holds things together.

You should be proud.

Colonel, I had a seminary teacher

who was a chaplain in World War II--

Father Marty Gallagher.

Boom Boom Gallagher?

Oh, my, you knew him?

No. Heard about him.

He was famousfor the poker gameshe used to organize

whenever the Germanartillery took a break.

Colonel, Boom Boom used to excite us with his stories

about being right up front with the men,

and that's where I want to be.

Father, this is a different war.

Line officers don't wantchaplains up at the front.

It's just another unarmed man

they have to be responsible for.

Whoops!Got the ear that time.

Yeah, right. We don'thave any choppers,

and you don't haveany ambulances.

Now, if we could just runout of wounded soldiers,

we wouldn't have to bein business at all.

All right. Look,

I'll send a litter jeepright up there, okay?

All right. Yeah, okay.

-Radar. -Yeah.

They got a guy upat the aid stationwho needs surgery.

Do you think you and Igorcould grab a jeep

-and go get him? -What do you mean?

Go up to the aid station where all the shooting is?

A man's lifedepends on it.

Well, I know, but I got all this work here.

Colonel Potter expects me to--

-Okay. I'll do it. -Okay. Thanks.

I gotta go back to O.R.

Hey, how's the dog doin'--Corporal Cupcake?

Oh, he's gonna be fine.

He's got a pleasantlittle snarl on his face.

You don't belong up there.

You belong right here. We need you.

Sir? Oh, pardon me.

Uh, what is it, Radar?

Uh, sir, there'ssomeone badly wounded

up at the aid station.

Your permission for Igorand me to go get him?

All right, Radar,go ahead. But be careful.

Oh, yes, sir.

I'm sorry I interruptedyour service, Father.

Hmm?

You're doing a fine job,

but try to understand.

You're a chaplain,not a soldier.

Well, I think I'm a soldier too, sir.

I certainly look like one.

I once saw a pictureof Calvin Coolidgein a war bonnet,

but that didn'tmake him an Indian.

Sorry, Father.

Yes, sir.

B.J.: Father.

Father Mulcahy,is anything wrong?

You have a very determinedlook on your face.

Do I?

Well, I don't mean to.

Is there somethingI can do for you?

No. No. I-I guess I'll have to do for myself.

-Thank you. -Sure.

Come on, Igor. We gotta get rolling.

Igor, you stay here.I'll go with Radar.

Uh, Father, you gotta get permission.

I only got orders for Igor and me.

I'll be responsible, Radar.

There's a wounded man, and he needs a priest.

-Here. Take my helmet.-Yeah.

Father, you're gonna get both of us in trouble.

Radar, you play poker,right?

-Not now, Father. -No, no, no, no.

A very wise priestonce said,

"No matterhow well you bluff,

"eventually you haveto put your cards onthe table."

-I can't argue with that.-

'Cause I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, take it away.

Easy now.

That's good. Okay.

-Yeah, just sign here. -Yeah.

You know, you guysare lifesavers.

I don't knowhow long he'd lastwithout surgery.

That's a badchest wound.

No use, Padre.Every once in a while,

the Chinese let us knowthat they invented gunpowder.

How in heaven'sname do you everget used to it?

You get used to nevergetting used to it.

I wish he were conscious.

I'd like to offersome comfort.

Being unconsciousis as comfortable

as you can get up here,Padre.

Do you ever get any wounded dogs up here?

Nah. They're too smartto get wounded.

They just point outwhere the Chinese are,

they step aside.

They're kindalike generals.

Radar, we'd better get underway.

-This man needs attention.-Right.

-Well, wait a minute. -What?

We had a goat uphere once, though.

Very seriousshrapnel wounds.

Oh, wow. What'd you do?

We ate 'im.

How's he doing, Father?

He seems okay.

Radar,I want to thank you

for bringing mealong on this.

I really neededthe experience.

That's okay, Father.

Sometimes it's more important

to be nice to people

than to worry about the rules, you know.

Geez, I remember once in school,

we were having this test, you know,

and there was this boy Leonard Gerst.

He wanted to, you know, copy off of me.

Ah.

And I knew his mother would beat him up,

uh, if he flunked the test,

so I let him copy.

That was a very nicething to do, Radar.

-Also, he gave me $3.00.-

I'll have a cafe espresso

and for my friend herea cappuccino deluxe.

-Help yourself. -Ah.

We also have a special today

on roast crown of lamb with cranberry stuffing,

served with a side order

of fresh poached salmon and dill sauce.

No, thanks. I had thatfor breakfast.

This is terrible, even by my standards.

And this from a manwho drinks lime Kool-Aid

with stripsof bologna in it.

Klinger, have you seen Father Mulcahy?

No, sir, I haven't seen him all day.

But if it's a spiritual problem,

give me a minute, and I'll come back as a nun.

Careful, Klinger. Dressingas a nun can be habit-forming.

It isn't a spiritual problem.It's physical--

-a hole in the foot. -Spare me.

Some guys shootthemselves in the footto get sent back home.

Not me! I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.

Say, Pierce-- Butt out.

I checked on that Fitzsimons kid,

and he couldn't have played football for Fordham.

He's only 18.

He entered whenhe was 16, Frank.

Got lucky. He went thereon a bingo scholarship.

Oh, those Catholics.

-How's Corporal Cupcake?-Who?

The pooch. Woof! Woof!

Oh, him. Resting comfortably.

He'll be backon his paws in no time.

Oh, what a humiliating experience.

I mean, no surgeon withan ounce of self-respect

would operate on a dog.

Frank, you know some vetsearn more money than doctors.

-Oh? -Sure.

Better get his address.

Put him on my Christmas card list.

-Mmm, couldn't hurt. -Oh!

You know, you reallydon't get used to it.

-Radar! Radar, pull over!-Huh?

Stop the jeep!He's choking!

There's something wrong!Oh, God, pull over!

I am. Wait a minute! Where?

-What's the matter? -Help me.

-Help me to clear his throat.-Ooh!

It isn't working.

Well, maybe there'ssomething stuck downthere, Father.

His tongue is swollen.

It's blocking the passage.

Oh! He's not breathing!

He's not breathing at all!

Radar, call the base. Get one of the doctors.

Right.

Hi. This is the litter jeep, MASH 407--

Litter jeep calling MASH 4077! Come in!

Come in, anybody!

I'm not just anybody, but I'll talk.

What is it, Radar?

Uh, Klinger, it's Radar.

Listen, we're in trouble here.

Get me a doctor real quick.

Gotcha! Captain Pierce,Hunnicutt,

Colonel Potter, emergency!

What? What?

The radio, sir.It's Radar.

Put it on the speaker.

What's the problem, Radar?

The guy we're bringing back can't breathe.

Father Mulcahy says his tongue is swollen up.

What's Mulcahydoin' there?

This is Father Mulcahy.

I know I'm not supposed to be here,

but we've got a man in bad trouble.

He needs help!

Father, where's the man wounded?

Well, in the chest, Hawkeye,

but I don't think that's the trouble.

His tongue is swollen, and he can't breathe.

Is he gettingany air at all?

-No, sir. Not much. -Hardly any at all.

-Tracheotomy. -Right.

Father, Radar, listen carefully.

You only have a couple of minutes.

One of you is gonna have to cut

a small hole in the man's throat

to let air in.

You mean cut like a doctor?

We'll give youstep-by-step instructions.

I'm no good atstep-by-step. You do it.

Hawkeye, do you think we can?

If you don't, the man's dead!

-Oh, very well. We're ready.-

All right, Father, here we go.

First you need somethingto cut with, a sharp knife.

-Sharp knife.-You have a first-aid kit.

See if there's anythingsharp in there you can use.

Uh, let's see.

Aw, geez, there'snothing in here

but these, uh,funny little scissors

they gave usin kindergarten.

Why can't they keepthese things complete?

Don't youhave anything else?

I've got my Tom Mix pocketknife.

Tom Mix pocketknife.

Your what?

"Tom Mix" was an old radio show.

It's very sharp.

Okay, fine. That's fine. Look,

you need a small tube.When you make the hole,

you're gonna put the tube in,

and the man will breathe through that.

A tube?

Part of a syringe will do

if there's one in the kit.

You could use the topof a fountain pen.

Just snip off one end.

Is a pencil okay?

No, it has to be something hollow.

Think!

Wait! Wait!

-My bottle of eyedrops.-Eyedrops!

The dropper is plastic.

I'll just pull the cap off.

HAWKEYE: Okay, that's kinda small, but that'll do.

Now, look, Father, you're gonna have to work fast.

In the first-aid kit, get the alcohol.

Sterilize the knife and the man's neck.

Where's the alcohol?Where's the alcohol?

Oh, okay, okay.We're doing it.

Okay. Father, if you're ready,

look for a notch atthe base of his throat.

It's right where the chest starts.

Right in the middle.

-Oh, boy. -I got it!

Good. Now take the knifeand make an incision,

a vertical incision through the skin

about two inches long.

There's gonna be a little blood,

but that's okay.

Oh. Oh, sure. Okay.

Oh!

Oh, ick! Oh, he did it!He did it!

Good, Father. Very good.

Okay, now open thatskin with your fingers,

and keep cutting

until you see a couple

of little horizontal rings of tissue.

I got it.

He got it.

Okay, now this is it, Father.

That tissue is fibrous.

It's not gonna be easy to cut.

Make an incision betweenthe rings of tissue,

and then stick the tubein the hole you made.

The man will be breathingthrough that tube.

Now work fast.

I have to say a prayer first.

He's gotta saya prayer first.

Make it a damnshort one.

-I can't think of any. -Oh, my God.

Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts

which we are about to receive from Thy bounty

through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

That's grace!

Aah!

Don't pay anyattention to the blood.

Just get the tube in there.

-He's breathing!

You hear that?He's breathing! He did it!

Okay, tape the tube in place

and pack some cotton around it

to stop the bleeding.

You did it!

Oh, the skin and the tissue

seem to close right in around the tube.

Father, that's exactlywhat's supposed to happen.

You did it!

You did it!

-Amen. -Amen.

Good work, Padre.

Get that man back hereas fast as you can.

We did it.

Oh, boy, we did it.

Well, what do youthink of that?

-I think I'm a fool. -What do you mean?

I came all the way overto Korea to perform surgery.

I could have stayedat home and phoned it in.

Come on. I think I'd better drive.

Okay.

-Radar, you all right?-Oh, yeah. Sure.

I'm just a little carsick.

What happenedto the wheel?

Oh!

Father,let's get outta here!

Very well, Radar, if you insist.

Now, Father,I thought we had a deal.

We save the bodies.You save the souls.

Oh, my. Well, I hope

I didn't violate any union regulations.

Hmm.

-Father. -Hey, Father.

Thought you'd like to know

your patient is doing just fine.

We're all thinking oftrading in our scalpels

for Tom Mix pocketknives.

Padre, I could swear I told you

not to go up to the front.

Yes, sir. You did, sir.

And in spite of the factthat I saved a man's life,

I now feel I waswrong to disobey you.

Cleverly put.

Boom Boom Gallagher would be proud of you.

Oh... what a nice thought.

You know, Father,

first time I operated,I was scared stiff.

And there weren't any bombsgoing off around me, either.

I can imagine whatit was like for you.

No, Hawkeye, you can't.

Why not?

You had to be there.

Hello, Danny.

Hello, Father.

I understand you had quite an afternoon.

Oh, you heard, did ya?

Yeah. Everybody's talkin' about it.

You actually cuta hole in a guy's throat.

And under fire, too.

Were you scared?

Terrified.

You know, I-I thinkit gave me a little taste

of what it was like for you.

Danny, maybe it almost givesme the right to talk to you.

What do you think?

Let's talk, Father.

Yes. Why don't we?

Now listen,Seoul is a very big city,

and there are certain femalesyou gotta watch out for.

Sir, you don't have to warnme about stuff like that.

I wasn't talking to you.I was talking to him.

So long, Corporal Cupcake.

It's been a pleasure serving with you.

Well, taking off, huh?Bye, pooch.

Oh, nice!If it weren't for me,

you'd be in a wheelchair.

Go ahead, Phil.

You know what's funny?

When Cupcake gets his promotion,

I'm gonna be outranked by a dog.

I know how you feel.

I'm only a captain,and Frank is a major.