Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER : Okay, if Brooklyn can hold on

to any part of this lead,

they'll remain 4 1/2 games ahead

of the onrushing Giants.

New York has won 16 of the last 18 games,

while the slumping Dodgers have only seven wins

over the same period.

It's 7-4 here in Cincinnati

in the bottom of the eighth.

Nobody on and one down,

and the Reds are up to bat.

The Reds are upto bat here, too.

They're hitting us pretty good, sir.

He who lives by the batdies by the bat.

Oh, very good, Hawkeye.

You need another unit of whole blood.

You wanna get with it, Walsh?

B.J.: Let her get her enginestarted, Margaret.

I'll handle the nurses. Thank you.

I'll be happy to help. Pickups.

Margaret, my brains are on fire.

Towel. Towel!

Fastball cut on and missed.

-Give me some suction. -The count is O and 2.

Newcombe has Bell in a hole

as he looks into Campy again.

Thank you.

The windup, the pitch...

and a swing and a miss for strike three...

good change-up.

Gus was way out in front of it.

And down he goes.

Well, at least hewent down swinging.

That's the way I want to go.

Colonel, permission to kill the radio.

-Granted. -Only four more outs

for his 16th victory of the sea--

It melted.

You and your hot little hands.

Never mind her hands.

Go change your gloves, Sweeney.

You're contaminated.

HAWKEYE: I swear I never touched her.

B.J.: Anybody gotan ice cube hat?

HAWKEYE: Or a snowsuit?

B.J.: I think I justhad a hot flash.

Colonel, are you gonna letthem discuss female diseases

with ladies present?

It's not a disease, doctor. It's a symptom.

That's one for her, Burns.

Preston, don'tcontradict the doctors.

-Or Frank.-Oh, can it, doggie breath.

I need more three-oh silk.

We're out, doctor.

I told you to check Supply.

I did, Major. We're out.

You should have anticipated.

We have four-0 silk, doctor.

-Will that do? -Well, it'll have to.

Colonel, we can't go on like this. No supplies. No water.

It's been a week sinceanybody's had a shower.

I know.It's beginning to smell

like the insideof a whale around here.

Imagine what Jonah must have gone through.

Some people have the courtesyto sponge in their helmets.

HAWKEYE: Do you goin the deep end?

Baker, you want to get thattray organized? It's a mess.

Just the way I like it.

It's the maid's day off.

Well, it's not procedure.

And I'll thank both of you

to stop interfering with my staff.

I wouldn't touch your staffwith a 10-foot nurse.

Hemostat.

Oh, not that, you ninny!The other thing!

But you asked for the hemostat.

Don't give him what he asksfor. Give him what he needs.

Give him fatter lips.

Major, this woman is impossible!

-I demand a nurse. -Listen, Mister, don't call me--

-MARGARET: Mister? -Dr. Burns to you!

Seems like a lotof conflict in here.

Right, Padre.

Everybody, calm down!

Lieutenant Preston, just for that,

you're in chargeof cleaning up the O.R.

-after this session. -Yes, Major.

He may be a lot of things,but he's no mister.

Thank you.

Fudge. You're kidding.

It's 110 degrees outside.

Oh, this stuff will cool by October.

I'll wait.

We'll add the nuts in September.

Whoop.

I have your assignmentsfor tomorrow.

I hope that's notwhat I think it is.

We won't know what it is till September.

Why don't you guess?

And we'll tell you if you're right.

You're drunk.

You know you're not supposedto be cooking in here.

I can't help it.

I always get cooking when I get drunk.

Be careful, or you'llgo on report.

Report?

Heavens to Betsy.

Next thing she'll make me stay after school.

I will not toleratedrunkenness.

Major, I already did my duty,

with 17 hours overtimeand three cardiac arrests.

You can't upset me. I'm numb.

I don't even feel sad

with burn patientsthat look like mummies.

That's why I'm drinking:to feel something.

Lieutenant,when you sober up,

you report to my tent.

Major, why don't youleave her alone?

You're in enough trouble

with that peroxideon your hair.

In case you have forgotten,

it's against regulationsto steal from Supply.

Is that one naturalblonde to another?

My hair has always been this color!

You mean blonde with black roots?

I don't have black roots!

All right, gray.

-You rotten little-- -Oh, come on!

Forget it, all right?All right?

I've had it with you, Baker.You're on report.

Your orders will be posted.

Fudge.

Fudge.

I'm fine, Mom.

I'm fine, Mom, uh,but boy, is it hot here.

Somebody even broke into the little snowflake paperweight

you sent me for my birthday.

-Ooh. -Excuse me.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

Oh, no. That's okay.

I-I'm just writingmy mom a letter

on how hot it gets herewhen it gets hot here.

-Okay. -Yeah?

You know where I can find Lieutenant Baker?

Uh, she's in her tent,

but I don't think she'sallowed to see any people.

Oh, I'm not people. I'm her husband.

Oh, you must be the guythat married her.

Right. I'm Tony Baker.

Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.

Well, uh, so what's the problem?

Uh, no problem.She just, uh--

She got into an argumentwith Major Houlihan,

and she's confinedto her tent.

Oh, perfect.

We didn't have a honeymoon.

I just got a 24-hour pass,

and I figured I'd surprise her.

Oh, wow.

Hey, listen,uh, wait a minute.

Maybe I could, uh,sneak her out for a minute.

You know, you could waitin the Swamp.

-In the Swamp? -Yeah.

Oh, come on.I'll show you.

Okay, but listen, I wantthis to be a surprise now.

She hasn't seen mein two months.

Boy, you think the army would try to fix it

so guys that are married with each other

could be in the same outfit.

-Here she comes. -Let's act crazy

so she doesn't suspect anything.

-Surprise! -Here she is!

Right this way, please.

-Right down there.-What's this all about?

Listen, I'm in enoughtrouble as it is.

Mickey Baker, this is your life!

Hawkeye...

Out of minutes of exhaustive research

comes a remarkably dull story,

starting with your birth somewhere in the U.S. of A.

-Radar-- -Shortly thereafter,

because of a keen mind and body to match,

you were allowed to skip infancy

and go directly to the third grade,

where you were heard to say...

Oh, uh, "When I grow up,

"I want to be in the Korean War."

Are you all drunk?

And then there was high school.

I'm gettingout of here.

Remember those years?

Sad, mad, glad, crazy, funny.

Then... a restaurant in Seoul.

You were sitting alone,when you heard a voice say...

When you heard a voice say...

TONY:Hi! Is this seat taken?

Tony.

Tony, where are you?

Oh!

Tony, I don't believe it!

Where did you come from?

HAWKEYE: From under the bed.

Boy, this is even betterthan the real program.

What program?

You mean there'sa show like this?

I hear you're in trouble.

Does that mean I can't see you tonight?

-I'm confined to quarters.-Great.

I've got to be back tomorrow.

And I'm due in post-opin 10 minutes.

Don't worry about tonight. B.J. and I'll fix it.

We will?

For being on our show, this lovely young couple

will be flown at great expense to a tent

30 feet from where we're standing,

where they will spend a glorious evening

in the Olive Drab Room

of the Continental Korean Plaza,

overlooking the fabulous latrine.

Compliments of the wonderful people

-who brought you this war.-Yay!

How can we be together?I'm restricted.

Let's not talk medicine. Let's talk romance.

The night belongs to lovers.

Oh, boy.He got me with that one.

Uh-oh...

Captain, I know this may soundlike a frivolous question,

but what the hell are you doing?

Quarantining your tent.

Quarantining my tent? What for?

There's a very sick soldierin there.

Looks like the plague.

The plague. What plague?

Looks like bubonic.We can't be sure yet.

Uh, it-it's gonna takeabout 24 hours to isolate.

Corporal.

Yes, ma'am?

Yes, ma'am?

Is there reallya sick man in there?

Oh, uh...

uh, if I were you, I wouldn'tsuck in any air, Major.

Uh-- uh-uh.

Do you mind?I'd like to see for myself.

You want to look in there?Inside there?

Of course.

It's gonna be a very rough night.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Why do you alwayshave to inconvenience me?

Well, where are we gonna put him?

Why not put him inFather Mulcahy's tent?

No, no, no,we thought about that,

but if the good fathergot the plague,

who would give himthe last rites?

I need my things.

-Yeah, we thought about that.-Uh, yeah.

I packed your toothbrush, your jammies,

and one of your slingshots.

You jerkface!That's my garter belt.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I try not to look at your unmentionables.

I told younot to mention that.

Colonel Potter's gonna hear about this.

Pierce, I want the factson this fella

in Major Houlihan's tent.

Colonel, he had to be quarantined.

The only reason I borrowed Major Houlihan's bed

is that she lives alone...

with good reason, may I add.

-You may not add! -Subtract that.

What's hequarantined for?

About 24 hours.

The disease!

Oh, the disease. I'm glad you asked that.

Because there's a very simple explanation.

My partner.

At first we thoughtit was, um, the plague,

uh, but then we've narrowed it down

to either typhoid or schistosomiasis.

Schistosomiasis?

What kind of nonsenseis that?

No, no, I've heard of that.It's very common.

-Really?-Millions of people contract it

by wading waist-high in the river Nile.

Exactly. Now if you'll excuse us, Colonel.

Not so fast.

How do you supposea foot soldier in Korea,

a fair distance from Egypt,caught this disease?

Um, maybe he went hometo see his mummy?

Doctors, cut the comedy.

What, if anything,is wrong with this boy?

Colonel, he shows allthe symptoms of-of typhoid.

Now, we-we-we can't be sure.

We just have to quarantinehim for a while to find out.

Twenty-four hoursought to do it.

Colonel, are you gonna let them get away

with whatever it is they're trying to get away with?

It's only for a day.

The boy's quarantinedfor 24 hours.

Where am I supposed to sleep?

With the nurses.

With the nurses?

Have them set up an extra cot.

Isn't there some other way?

Why? Is that a problem?

No, of course not, Colonel.

If it is, I can sleep with the nurses

and Major Houlihan can sleep in the Swamp,

if she doesn't mind snoring.

Won't bother meif she snores.

I'll take the nurses,thank you.

Save a couple for me.

Dismissed!I'm getting a headache.

You know, I always dreamed

I'd honeymoon in Niagara Falls.

Ah, Richard and I had the bridal suite there.

- Really? -Yeah.

If we ever get married, I'd like to go back.

-I'm so nervous. -Why?

You sneak over to see Tony.You get back before dawn.

Nobody's gonna be the wiser.

It's not that. I'm worriedabout getting a bath.

Well, it just so happens

we took up a little water collection around camp.

Oh, really? That's sweet.

-Can you fit into a coffee cup? -Oh.

I got a littlehoneymoon present for you.

I was saving itfor an emergency,

but, uh, it's justa few drops of perfume.

Thank you. What's it called?

I don't remember.The first time I used it,

my boyfriendchewed off the label.

What's the matter?

Private Parkerjust died.

Who's that?

One of the kids in the burn section.

You remember? He was alwaysflirting with Gaynor.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Try not to take it so hard.

I'm not. That's just it.

We were friends,and I don't feel anything.

I don't feel death anymore.It's just death.

Oh, now.

Well, I don't have any candy.

You never knowwhat you might find.

Oh, uh, you childrenget out of here.

I don't understandwhat those kids--

It isn't necessary to makethem feel afraid of me.

I happen to love children.

We thought you mightconfine them to their huts.

Very funny.

All right. I want this place to sparkle.

Everything sterile,all instrument packs complete.

Check all traysand inventory all supplies.

Also, due to a shortage of beds,

I'll be forced to sleepin the Nurses' Tent tonight.

That's right.Mine's been quarantined.

I'm sure you're no morepleased about it than I,

so I suggest we all tryto make the best of it.

Hot Lips in our tent.

That'll be like sneaking past awatchdog.

We'll chloroform her kibble.

We'll rock her to sleep.

With a real rock.

I don't care if Margarethas to sleep withthe nurses tonight.

-What's that to me? -She hates the idea.

She'd rather spend timewith anyone else, even you.

Frank, this is your big chance.

Hawk and I will clear out of the Swamp,

and you can invite Margaret over for a little Apache dance.

I'm not chasing Margaret.

I'm waiting for herto come to me.

How's that?

You guys don't knowa thing about women.

Then how come he has a baby?

I'm playing hard to get.I'm making her suffer.

There's sweaton her upper lip.

Frank, it's 110 degrees.

When I see her crawlingacross the compound

on her hands and knees...

You know whatthat'll mean?

-She ate in the Mess Tent?-No!

It'll mean that she'salmost ready.

Till then, no dice.

I think we crapped out.

Well, how do I look?

-Sensational. -Oh, gorgeous.

Is that what we're supposed to look like?

-I think so.-Mary Jo got it in Tokyo.

And I think it'sa little big through here.

Look,I loaned you my nightgown.

I can't loan you everything.

You don't think it's too much, do ya?

I mean, I don't want to look overanxious.

Well, he might like that.

Here comes Houlihan.Quick, under the covers.

-The light. -Oh, I forgot.

Now, are we supposed to be asleep

or just dozing off?

Mary Jo, shut up.

Well, what's this?

Everybody in bed on time for a change?

Well, Major, early to bed,early to rise.

No bull session? No coffee tonight?

No, Major,we threw it out.

Good night, Major.

Good night.

Halt! Who goes there?

Baker. Uh...

I was goingto the latrine.

It's the other way.

Uh, Klinger, I, uh...

don't really haveto go to the latrine.

-You don't? -No.

I see.

Um, listen.

Don't, uh,ask any questions,

and, um...

my lavender peasant blouseis yours.

With the matching scarf?

Mm-hmm.

Pass.

I...

Shh.

TONY: Who is it?

Um, it's Corporal O'Reilly.

I was just wondering if I'm bothering you.

Uh, come on in, Radar.

Oh, no, listen, I don't want to see your honeymoon.

It's all right. Come on in.

-Come on. -Oh.

I was just leaving.

Tony has to get back to his outfit.

Oh, gee.

Uh, I just thought

maybe you'd like some breakfast.

Um, if you scrapethe black off of, uh, it,

it's toast under it.

Thanks, but, uh,I have to shove off.

Take care of yourself,sweetheart, okay?

Okay.

Write me.

-I will. -We will.

Oh, gee. Pardon me. I'm sorry.

I-I guess I'd just better be going.

Would you-- Would you tellHawkeye and B.J. thanks?

Oh, sure. I will.

Gee, love is swell.

Good morning, Major.

Good morning, Lieutenant.

This time I'm gonna throw the book at you.

What have we got?

Got a pregnant one here.

She's in labor, and it's a breech.

-Get her prepped. -Right.

-Chopper's on the pad. -Looks like a sellout.

MAN : Attention! Incoming casualties.

All personnel report to pre-op immediately.

-Uh, Major, can we talk to you? -About what?

About what you're gonnado to Lieutenant Baker.

And what does that haveto do with you?

She's our friend.

And we don't want to see her in any more trouble.

Then you should'vestopped her. Let's go.

What'd she do that was so wrong?

She spent the nightin my tent

with a quarantined soldier.

That soldierwas my husband,

and it's the first timewe've been together

since our marriage.

It was a violationof rules.

Oh, come on, Major.

You've ruled, regulated,and reported us to death.

You're in the army,

and the armymeans discipline.

We know that.But once, just once,

can't you showa little compassion?

And once, just once,

couldn't you be honest with me?

Last night was just another joke,

just another lie to Major Houlihan.

How can we be honest with you?

You're like a cat waiting for the mice

to make a mistake so you can pounce.

Let's face it, Major. You don't trust us.

And do you trust me?You act like I'm the enemy.

All right. If I had asked your permission last night,

what would you have done?

-I would have said no. -See?

Not because it'sagainst regulations,

but because of the rottenway you've treated me.

The way we've treated you?What are you talking about?

Did you ever show meany kind of friendship?

Ask my helpwith a personal problem?

Include me in one of yourlittle bull sessions?

Can you imaginewhat it feels like to--

To walk by this tentand hear you laughing and--

and know I-I'm not welcome?

Did you ever once

ever offer mea lousy cup of coffee?

We didn't think you'd accept.

Well, you were wrong.

Radar, I want to see it.

I want to see that culture report.

The-- The culture report.

On the fellawho was quarantined.

You remember him.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That fella.

He was a real nice guy.

Uh, but, uh, I think he got better

because we released him.

-Released him? -Yeah.

I thought he had typhoid!

Oh, that's right.

But it was just the 24-hour kind.

-Ooh! -What?

I forgot.

Doctors, tell me about this miracle cure

you've discovered for typhoid.

Oh, it wasn't, uh, typhoid.

Our diagnosiswas all wrong.

Yeah, it was just a coldtrying to fool us.

You wanna stick with that story?

No, I'm working on a better one.

Keep working, and follow me.

Major Houlihan, we've been had,

you and me.

Your tent was used last night

for some devious shenanigans.

If you'd like to level charges,

I'll understand.

I know all aboutlast night, Colonel.

It's a private matterbetween me and my nurses.

That's the end of it?

Yes, sir.

Whatever you say, Major.

Let's get ready.

B.J.: Look at that. Anybody got a cigar?

I didn't even know we were pregnant.

You delivered it?

Not it.It's Miss Su Ling Sun.

She was a breech.

She may have comeinto the world backward,

but she landed on her feet.

Oh, isn't she beautiful?

Just like her doctor.

I'm sorry, I--

I don't know why I'm crying.

It's just life.

You're gettingthe baby all wet.

Yeah.

Not to mention wasting water.

Why are we making fudgeagain in this heat?

Well, the last time we made it,

Baker threw it all overthe front of the tent.

Now I'm gonna throw it against the back

so it'll match. Try some. It's good.

Mmm. What we don't eat,we could always use

to waterproof our boots.

Evening, nurses.

-Good evening, Major. -Good evening, Major.

I have your assignmentsfor tomorrow.

I hope that's notwhat I think it is.

No, Major. It's fudge.

Cooking in the tentsis against regulations.

Yes, Major.

Have some?

Oh, that's really bad.

How about a lousy cup of coffee?

I'd love it.