Original subtitles

Four, please.

Here you go. Be careful now.

It's real hot.

That-a-boy.

-Sorry, ma'am.

O-O-Okay.

I gotta... I gotta answer the...

-Thank you.

I'm comin'. Hold your horses. Ahh.

MASH 4077, Corporal O'Reilly.

Tokyo?

I can't hear ya!

Wait a minute.

Major Houlihan?

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

It clears the static.

Yes, ma'am. I'll getColonel Potter right away.

Here you go, sir.

-Three lumps, four squirts. -Thank you, Corporal.

-Tokyo, sir. Major Houlihan.-Ah, yes.

-Potter here.

Hello, Major.How's it going?

Oh, Colonel,

I've been up and down on a merry-go-round

ever since I got here. I've hardly slept a wink.

Well, war is hell.

What aboutthe medical follow-up

you were sent there for?

Oh, Colonel, I've checked on the progress

of numerous patients operated on at the 4077th,

and I have significantrecommendations to recommend.

-Commendable.-

Ah, what's all that caterwauling I hear?

I'm at the Zen Bar and Grill, sir.

General Tumwater is givinga small celebration.

Trevanian Tumwater?

Worst toupee

in the Asian theater of operations, right?

That's him.

The truth is, Colonel, I have some wonderful news.

Must be pretty bigif Ol' Throw Rug is there.

Oh, Colonel, it's not just big,

it's great big with whipped cream.

-Whipped cream. -And a cherry on top.

And a cherry.

But I must tell you all in person.

You don't trust me, Major?

Yes, sir.

I mean, no, sir. Of course...

Of course I don't not trust you.

But the phones do have ears.

Very well.Report to me upon arrival.

Yes, sir.

-And, Major? -Yes?

Try and cheer up.

Oh, and, Radar,bring some sugar.

Coffee's on the bitter side.

Oh, right away, sir.

Holy buckwheat.

Clamp.

She didn't even give youa clue, Colonel?

Maybe she said it backwardsor every other word.

Nada.She just said we'd all be delighted.

-Hemostat. -Well, whatever it is,

she's playing itpretty close to the chest.

-I heard that!-HAWKEYE: Frank's right.

You shouldn't mention Hot Lips' chest

when it's not here to stand up for itself.

Four-oh silk.

It seems Tumwater himself

was throwing a do at the Zen Bar to celebrate.

Eh, Margaret and I both rub shoulders

with some pretty big brass.

Not to mention each other.

Could be war news,maybe even peace news.

We're alwaysthe last to hear.

We'll wake up one morning

and find a note pinned to Korea.

Pacifist Pollyannas.

Can't you read the handwriting in the wind?

You know somethingwe don't, Frank?

Well, it's no mystery that I'm up for promotion.

From Neanderthal to Cro-Magnon.

Yukkedy-yuk-yuk.

Margaret is recommending me for lieutenant-colonelcy,

and that translates into bucks after the war.

Thank you, Daddy Warbucks.I'm finished here.

What are you looking at?

You finished already?

You missed all the fun, snoop. I'm closing.

You took out part ofa man's large intestine

without exteriorizing it?

I've learned some shortcuts, buster.

A dumb shortcut, Frank.

-You're inviting infection.-Colonel!

You know the procedure, Burns. Exteriorize.

Well, for your information,

I've never had any complaints.

Dead mentell no tales.

Thirty-eight centssays you don't make it.

You're on.

Tricky course.

Same thing happened to the guy

who invented Orange Crush.

I told you we should'veplayed with watermelons.

Margaret.

The fighting 4077th.

Somehow it's not the same place I left.

You've been gone a while.It's a Howard Johnson's now.

Oh.

Driver, take this jeep down to the stalls

-and give it a good rubdown.-Ohh.

I understand you broughtgood news from Tokyo.

Oh, B.J., Hawkeye,it's too good to be true.

Then it can't beFrank's promotion.

-No. -Frank's demotion?

Silly.

It's the best of all possible newses.

-Uh-huh. -Now do you know?

-How best? The Big Ben best?-Uh-huh.

-The best-dressed best?-Uh-huh!

-The war's over. -Think big!

Margaret, we give up.

Okay. Okay, sit down.

-Okay, okay. -Sit down.

-Okay. Sitting. -Here it comes.

-Okay. All right. -Uh-huh. All right.

I'm engaged to be married.

-Yeah? -Uh-huh.

-That's it? -That's the big news?

-Oh, silly, the ring! -What ring?

-Oh, there is a ring there.-Oh.

That must have cost a pretty penny.

At least.

I know the diamond's not so big.

It's a family heirloom.

Must be a small family.

I think it's in excellent taste.

Well, listen,who wants a pushy ring?

Oh, they're rich, but they try not to flaunt it.

They're succeeding.

-Congratulations, Margaret.-Thank you.

-I betcha Frank wouldbe interested in this.-You think so?

No, no, don't say a word.I wanna tell him myself.

I know he'll be thrilled for me.

Thrilled? He'll be out of his mind.

- I know. -Oh, yeah.

-Oh. That's better.

Ah, very...

uh, hmm.

I keep pinching myself to see if I'm dreaming.

Oh, you'll give yourselfa black-and-blue mark.

My aunt got oneat a little league game.

Foul ball hit herin the shoulder.

Blood clotwent to her brain.

Next day she keeled overin her bean salad.

Colonel, he's everything I asked for

when you dressed up as Santa last Christmas:

virile, broad in the shoulders,

straight in the back.

He sleeps on a bare piece of plywood.

-Back trouble? -Not that I noticed.

He's a West Pointer.

He calls me his little plebe.

Here's his picture.

Donald Penobscott.

-Fine specimen. -Mm-hmm.

Who's the gal with him?

I think she's a cousin.

Oh. Close family.

-Lieutenant colonel, huh?-Oh, yes.

I couldn't love anyone who didn't outrank me.

Major, may I ask you something,

not as your C.O .,

but as a friend with a lot of hash marks?

Certainly, Colonel.

Are you sure you're not rushing into this

in the heat of...

whatever heat you may be in?

Donald is considerate,brave, and so generous.

He paid for that shower curtain out of his own pocket,

and it wasn't even our fault when it ripped.

Nothing new under the sun, Major.

About my follow-up report, sir,

uh, some of our procedures need improvement.

I'll call a staff meetingright away.

-And congratulations, Major.-Thank you, Colonel.

How's Major Burnstaking the good news?

-I haven't told him yet.-I have a suggestion.

Break it to himover a cup of phenobarb.

I'm not kidding.

Ha ha!

Well, Dr. Smarty-Pants,

I'll have you know

my patient is making a rapid recovery.

-Well, that's one. -Give me that Bible.

And keep your hands off it.

This came from an expensive curio shop

at the Indianapolis Speedway.

I was only lookingat the centerfold.

Funny how it fell open to Sodom and Gomorrah.

I got better things to do

than to chew the fat with you two.

Well, he knows she's back.

This old cowboy ain'tgonna be lonesome tonight.

Uh, Frank, have you talked with Annie Oakley yet?

Well, if you're referringto Major Houlihan,

I'm gonna let her surprise mewith my promotion.

Frank, weren't youa Boy Scout?

Yes, I was.Later, I was scoutmaster.

Until those little ingrates set fire to his pants.

Not true. That was a drill.

Well, you remembertheir motto?

Ah, "Be Prepared"?

Well, Frank Burns was never caught

with his pants down.

Good, Frank. Becausein the middle of a war,

there are all kinds ofpain and suffering.

Have you noticed that?

Oh, sure. But we're doctors.

We're trained to ignore people's pain.

Frank, sometimes you haveto expect the worst.

MAN : Attention! All doctor personnel

are to personally report to the Mess Tent.

Hey, tell 'em Frank Burnsis gonna be a little late.

He's busy tuning his face.

-Frank-- -Now what?

Never mind. It'll keep.

Hence and furthermore,

the progress of a patient in Tokyo

depends on the quality of care

that befalls upon him right here.

Ohh.

One of the great public speakers of our time.

My student council couldhave used someone like her.

Mine did.

Thank you for thatinformative report, Major.

Floor is now open for questions.

-Pierce? -What's the capital of South Dakota?

Ha-ha.

Did I dosomething funny?

I don't know, Frank. Did you just come from surgery?

Major Burns, we're practicallyfinished. You're late.

Oh. Then you'll have to brief me later, Major Houlihan.

You happen to be sittingin my traditional place,Corporal.

-You didn't call dibs. -Four-eyes.

Is there anything furtherto report, Major?

Yes, Colonel. About three weeks ago,

one of our patients, a Lieutenant Turvey,

required emergency surgery in Tokyo.

Apparently, the MASH surgeon removed

part of the colon without exteriorizing.

The patient later developed peritonitis.

And which of uswas responsible for that?

Oh, it was Major Burns, sir.

Well, that's one on me.

Well, he's certainly beinga good sport about it.

I'd say.

What do you have to sayfor yourself, Burns?

Colonel, exteriorizingtakes time.

I'm a busy man. I've gotthings to do. I'm sorry.

Major Burns, he nearly died.

Well, I said I'm sorry.

You don't have to makea federal case out of it.

From now on,it's strictly by the book.

This happens again,it goes on your record.

Okay. I thought this wasgoing to be a fun meeting.

Dismissed.

Let's go in the den and watch TV.

Oh, Margaret, I couldhardly contain myself.

When's my promotioncoming through?

You're not getting promoted, Frank.

-I'm not? -No.

But what about the good news?

-Look. -What?

Look! Look.

Is there a bee on me?

Frank, I'm showing you my engagement ring.

-What?-I'm going to be married.

Get ready to duck.

He's liable to explode.

Do you like it, Frank?

What do you think?

I think it's lovely.

Really?

Have I ever lied to you?

Congratulations.

Oh, I'm so happy, Frank.

If you're happy,I'm happy.

Well, that worked out all right.

How's Burns taking it?

Pretty hard. He was cluckinglike a chicken last night.

Well,that's not so bad.

Nine straight hours?

Well, we canuse the eggs.

I pity the firstenlisted man he sees.

He'll eat him alive.

Colonel. B.J. Hawkeye.

Colonel. B.J.

What about me, Frank?

Oh, hi, Hawkeye.

Keep an eyeon him in O.R.

A lot of pressureon his cork.

I thinkhe's ready to pop.

I'll see that he getsthe kiddie scalpel,

the one withthe rubber blade.

Hey, B.J., Hawkeye,

I got penicillin from the guyat the regular price.

It's all good stuff too. Look at that.

Just a second.

Black market, huh?Regular price, huh?

Yes, sir.

Good work, soldier.

You may have saved lives.

He touched me.

You want to press charges?

Corporal, if you needa job after the war,

look me up in Fort Wayne.

You mean come over to your house

and sit on the sofa and stuff?

We have covers.

Frank had his family wrappedin plastic before he left.

What kind of a job would that be,

if you don't mind my asking, sir?

My nephew owns a chainof pet mortuaries.

Plenty of workif you like animals.

Uh, uh, no thank you, sir.

I think death gives me a rash.

And what a physique.

Shoulders like this.

Dancer's legs, and a cute little behind.

That can be cured nowadayswith a tushy transplant.

Tushy transplant.

He's got medals all over his chest.

Must be tough to get his shirt on.

A wimp he is not. He's all man.

Some salt, please,for Frank's wounds,

complimentsof Major Houlihan.

Captain Pierce,

must you comment on everything I say?

Do you have to keep babblingabout your tin soldier?

Oh, let her babble, Pierce.

I will brook no babbling.

It happens only once in a lifetime.

I need some extra help here. Major Houlihan?

Certainly.

Why, Major Burns, you'reexteriorizing the wound.

It's the least I can do, Margaret.

Put-- Hold your finger right there.

Good. Best hands in Korea.

Thank you, Major.

So this Penobsnott's--

-Penobscott. -Penobscott.

He's a West Pointer?

Finished 203rdin a class of 600.

-Really? -He's brilliant.

Aah!

-What is it? -You stabbed me!

Come on. Hold still. Hold still.

That sadist.He did it on purpose.

Yeah, well, if he hadn't, I would've.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you have the sensitivity of a Sherman tank.

Talking about that guy in front of Frank

is a swift kick in his ego--

a target one can hardly miss.

He's a grown man, isn't he?

Semi. Aah! Ahh!

Something wrong?

You did that on purpose.

You can take it.

You're a grown woman. Semi.

Since when have you ever giventwo hoots about Frank Burns?

It's only one hoot. I just started.

You've given him a fewswift kicks yourself.

Yeah. But never when he was down,

only when he wasn't looking.

I still havefeelings for the man.

I'll always have a soft spotfor a real patriot.

But when I can have Adonis,why bother with Pinocchio?

When I can have hewn oak,why do I need stucco?

When I can have knockwurst,why settle for a...

Cocktail frank?

MARGARET:Who's there?

Open the door and let me in,

or I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll--

Come in, Frank.

You're supposed to say

"Not by the hair onmy chinny-chin-chin."

Frank, there'll be no morechinny-chin-chin,

or any other part of me.

Oh, of course not.

Let's face it, Frank. We're finished.

With Donald, I'll be ableto pursue my army career

and have what every woman wants--

a home, children, a washer-dryer.

I wish only the bestfor you, Margaret.

I came to apologizefor that mishap.

Sex is out, Frank. I love Donald.

Sex? I have no desireto infringe on

your already-spoken-forfringes.

Good.

If I've misjudged you, I'm sorry.

Oh...

When I heardyou were engaged,

I sat down and did some hard thinking.

And there, printed right on the paper,

was the answer.

Lawn mowers.

You lost me, Frank.

Lawn mowers, Margaret.

That's what this war is all about.

The smell of fresh-cut grasson a hot summer's day...

girls with straight, white teeth...

freckle-faced kids in striped T-shirts.

Oh, Frank, when you talk like that, I-I could--

May I give the bridea peck on the beak?

I don't think it would weaken the war effort.

Frank, you moved your lips!

Sorry, Margaret.They slipped.

-I think you'd better go!-Just one more.

Let me go! I'm an engaged person!

-Now we can cheat together!-Let go of me!

What has he got that I haven't got?

-Lips.-Lips aren't everything.

Don't! I'll tell Donald!

He'll grind you into soap flakes!

Ooh, say "grind" again!

-Oh, stop that! -But I have drives.

I'll give you a drive.

Aah! No fair hitting, Margaret!

Attacking a poor,defenseless woman like that!

What kind of a coward are you?

Coward?You call me a coward?

That's right!

Coward? I'll show you!

Blood 'n guts Burns.

Ha!

Oh.

Oh.

It's 7:30. Where's Burns?

Having paternalfeelings?

Now I know how Dad felt the night of my prom.

Hmm, when you wereout breaking in

your first debauch?

The hardest part wasexplaining the beach sand

in my tuxedo pants.

Maybe Needle-Face left a note.

No telling what he'll do.

-Uh-oh. -What is it?

He took his gun and his toothbrush.

Shooting his mouth off again.

Uh, I think you sirsought to, uh, come outside.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three. Company, halt.

Halt! Did you hear me?

Major Burns presenting prisoners of war

to be interrogated, sir!

War prisoners?

A band of enemy guerrillas

for questioning, sir.

Guerillas?

Yeah, they tried to trick me.

masquerading as a Korean family

having a meal.

Oh, that old ploy.

What tipped youoff, Frank?

Oh, they're not so clever.

They looked a little too much

like a Korean family eating a meal.

Midgets, right?

Check.

And the oxis a radio.

Radar, see if they needmedical attention.

-I'm gonna get 'em some food.-Then get them a good meal.

-I think they need clothes, too.-Some extra provisions.

-And some hay for the ox.-Hay for the ox. Right away.

Burns, I want youin my office.

Pierce and Hunnicutt,

I'd like youto be there, too.

So you lost the gal.

That's happenedto all of us.

No reason to turninto Sergeant York.

I haven't given her a thought since I stabbed her.

Frank, will you sit down?

No. I prefer to remain alert and ready.

Frank, you're exhausted.

You haven't slept in 48 hours.

POTTER: Bringing inthat Korean family.

Well, why did you let 'em go?

There could've been a medal in it for me.

Son, heroics justget people killed.

They don't impressanybody.

Audie Murphy was turneddown twice in one day,

once by Miss Fresno.

That's just because he was short.

Major,pull in your reins.

You're heading fora Section 8.

Section 8?

-Put the rifle down, Frank.-Just take it easy, Frank.

-I'll take it, Frank.-Stay away from me,the three of you.

-Okay, Frank.-Just take it easy now.

Um, there's a phone call for Major Burns.

Who is it?

I don't know, sir. It's long distance.

I wonder who that could be.

Um, I'll keep an eyeon them for you, Major.

Hello. This is Major Frank Burns.

Who's this?

Mommy who?

Oh, my mommy. Hi, Mom.

Oh, I'm fine, Mom.

No, I'm not.

Well, nobody likes me here,

you know, as usual.

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, you see, I had this friend...

and this friend, um,

well, just pretendedto like me, you know...

the way Dad used to.

He's crying.

-Catharsis. -Gesundheit.

Phone call couldn't havecome at a better time, Radar.

-Nice work, Radar. -Thanks.

I figured sometimes a guy'sjust gotta talk to his mom.

Well, you're right, Mom.

What do I care?

I can always find a new friend.

Yeah. I am kinda sleepy.

Nighty-night.

HAWKEYE: Look at that pussycat.

Can you get him back to the Swamp?

Do we have a choice?

Come on, Frankie. Time for beddie-bye.

Mom, can I have a glass of water?

Sure, Frankie. If you're a good boy,

Mom will read you another chapter about Eeyore and Piglet.

And Tigger?

Yeah, Tigger and Pooh, all your favorites.

Donald has these enormous arms.

And he has the tattoo of a Sherman tank

on his right bicep.

And he flexes this muscle,

and the tank keepsgetting bigger and bigger.

The Princess of Tact is at it again.

Miss Sensitivity.

I just get so excitedtalking about him.

Oh, good morning, Major Houlihan.

Good morning,Major Burns.

-Good morning, princess.-Morning.

Listen, Pierce, why don'tyou and I go out

on the town tonight, hmm?

Well, this is so sudden, Frank.

I don't have anything to wear.

Oh, I mean, geta couple of nurses,

go over to Rosie's Bar,have a little fun, hmm?

Sounds good to me.

There's this littleredheaded nurse

who's had her eye on me.

And tonight,her wish will come true.

Do you mean that new girl

with the freckles on her nose?

Yes, that's the one.

She's a little young for you,isn't she, Major Burns?

Oh, I don't know.

I thought a little youthmight be nice for a change.

I think the convoy just took a direct hit.

If you'll excuse me,I'll just go finish my letter.

You need any help holding up your pen?

I really got heron that one, didn't I?