Original subtitles

Kitchen's down.

Well, that's good news.

-Here. -Hmm.

That's it for the coffee.

Vile to the last drop.

I'll be back in ten minutes.

Then you can leave with the others.

I'm staying.

Hmm, you finally realized I have a beautiful body.

I've never seenyour body.

Every evening at 8:30,

matinees Wednesday and Saturday.

Let's keep ourrelationship medical.

You wanna play doctor?

Look, Margaret, I can handle this.

Get on the truck and get out of here.

I'm staying with you.

If you need me, I'll bepacking up my troubles

in my old kit bag.

Where's my tent?

RADAR: Did you yell, Hawkeye?

Where's my tent,my clothes,

my sneakers,my dirty magazines?

Uh, Captain Hunnicutt finished packing up

the rest of your gear, sir.

I hope he left mea change of filthy socks.

Did he take care of the still?

Major Burns wouldn't let thestill go on the truck, sir.

Fink!

He wouldn't let Klinger's dresses

or my animals go onthe truck, neither, sir.

I can understandthe dresses,

but Snuffy andthe Doo-doo twins?

The Smith Brothers ofthe jelly bean industry.

They're careless,but they're loyal.

Not as loyal as my still.

All it asks is a little alcohol,

some corn mash,

and what does it give in return?

Liquid love.

Yeah.

Uh, can you keepa secret, sir?

Scout's honor.

Were you a Scout?

No, but I was always prepared.

B.J., Klinger, and meworked out a little deal

with Wat San Yeefor the use of his cab.

He's gonna haul the stilland the animals

and the Klinger collection.

Radar, when all this is over,I'm gonna adopt you.

I've already got my motherand my uncle Ed.

-I'll sleep on the couch.-

Start your engines!

Move out! Yo!

RADAR:Snuffy gets the carrots.

Pokey and the restget the lettuce.

Sequins all over the ground!

-Take care of yourself.-Same to you!

Come on, Pokey!

What are you doing back here?

You might need me.

How's he doing?

Hangin' in there.

Is today the 4th of July?

It's September.

Just a wild hope.

Does the enemy rape female prisoners?

Margaret, there's noreason to be afraid.

Aren't you scared?

Me, scared?

This whole body is one white knuckle.

You don't show it.

The minute this kid is stableand on the chopper,

I may wet my pants and suck my thumb.

-Wow, wow.-

Everybody's heading south.

The whole road'sjammed up with traffic.

Must be going tothe Rose Bowl game.

What'd you bring, Corporal?

Well, they left us this stuff.

It's a-- it's a couplecans of Vienna sausage,

two cans of Spam,some dehydrated potatoes,

and some extra shoelaces.

I'll have the shoelaces.House dressing.

And have the chefremove the tips.

Is he all right?

He's moving his toes. That's something.

I wish to hell we hadn'ttorn down the still.

I could use a belt.

Rosie's bar's still there.

Why don't you go on over?

I can handle things here.

What do you say, Radar?

Want to walk overto the gas station

for an orange soda?

Then we can strolldown Main Street

to the dry goods store

and watch them undressthe window dummies.

It's what we used to do back home

-every Saturday night. -You mad fools.

Geez,look at all the trucks.

Nice corner for a taco stand.

Yeah.

Wow!

-RADAR: Back!

Yeah, yeah!

That's telling them,Sheriff.

For Pete's sakes, run a guy down!

Tell it to Truman!

First time I ever gotthe best table in the house.

Rosie!

-Dr. Stud! -With two D's.

Time to flee.

One last drink, my wee bonny lassie,

to celebrate our cowardly retreat.

But time to flee.

Rosie, who gave you theblue medicine for your gums?

Hawkeye.

Come on.

A double for me anda grape Nehi for Radar.

No grape Nehi.

Check the wine cellar.

I'd settle for an orange soda.

This is a special occasion.

The grape has a morememorable artificial flavor.

There's a lady on my foot.

Oh, Miss,

this probably isn't your table,

but would you scratch the back of my leg?

Ah.

Found! One grape Nehi.

-Let me see. -Oh, boy.

Ah, titillating bouquet.

Delicate coloring.Travels well.

It's bottled in Duluth.

1951. Good year for Nehi.

Cin-cin.

Mmm, it's still got its fizz.

Would I deny you a belch?

Missed.

They forgot to pack the cockroaches.

Hey. That's Blue Velvet.

B.J's racing cockroach?

Sure, look at the limp.

Oh, it is Blue Velvet.

One of the great thoroughbredcockroaches in Korea.

I'm glad you missed him.

He's sired a lot of winners.

A farewell.

Much sadness in Rosie's heart.

Tear come to eye.

To Dr. Hawkeye,

healer of sick.

That's sweet, Rosie.

Tab owed: $51.55.

You crazy sentimental kid.

Able Bravo Oneto Able Bravo Two.

We're in C2 section,intersection 4.

Affirmative.Affirmative.

Able Bravo One out.

How's it going?

Who are you?

Dr. Pierce and his loyalminion Corporal O'Reilly.

Captain Stevens, Intelligence and Recon.

-Minion? What's a minion?-You know.

You fetch and carry goblets of wine,

you fend off knaves and varlets,

and on occasion you find me a toothsome wench.

He's a fun guy.

In real life,I'm the company clerk.

You people shouldhave gone south.

Yeah, we got a patient we can't move yet.

Where's the front?

You're standing on it.

Oh, to be in England, now that war is here.

Halt! Convoy, halt!

-Convoy, halt! -Major Burns.

SOLDIER: Convoy, halt!

Convoy, halt!

Yes, sir?

Get latrine andtent detail started.

Set up a mess pre-op andpost-op near the building.

I'm gonna checkit out for O.R.

Roger Wilco.

Uh, sir, I was thinking that--

-Uh, Colonel Potter, sir?-What is it, Father?

I believe it's customary tobless the site of a new MASH.

Of course, of course.Stand by for the blessing.

Stand by for the blessing!

Stand by for the blessing!

Stand by for the blessing!

Stand by for the blessing!

Stand by for the blessing!

Hear me, O Lord.

Hear me, O Lord!

Hear me, O Lord!

Hear me, O Lord!

Hear me, O Lord!

Hear me, O Lord!

I'm just trying to help.

The padre does a single.

We thank Thee for guidingus safely to this place

and ask Thy blessing thatwe may continue to heal

and do Thy work,

and for a speedy end to this war--

I mean, uh, police action.

Uh, well, you know what I mean, Lord.

Amen.

-Amen. -Is that it?

Nothing comes after "amen."

Well, we used to sing.

-Get set up! -Yes, sir.

Nice blessing, Father. Standard prayer?

Well, it's a golden oldie.

Hunnicutt.

Yes, sir, Colonel.

Come on, let's look over the building.

With this retreat,

there will be a lot of busted-up kids

-coming in here. -Right.

Looks like an abandoned schoolhouse.

Fu Manchu Junior High.

-Sir, conflict. -What now?

We can't find the surgical equipment.

Look in the boxes marked"kitchen utensils."

The ninnies.

Hunnicutt, do me a favor.

-Name it, Colonel. -If I'm ever shot,

don't let him lay a hand on me.

- Same here.-

I'd hate to have that whistlesewed up inside me.

Where the hell did he get that whistle anyway?

Same placehe got his diploma--

a box of Cracker Jacks.

Was that you?

I haven't giggledsince my wedding night.

Who there?

Colonel Sherman Potter, MASH 4077.

Sorry, no appointment.

No appointment?

What does she mean, no appointment?

Today is Wednesday.

Maybe the dentistis playing golf.

Let me try, Colonel.

I know how to knockin Korean.

Sorry. Everybody tired.

Big night last night.

Now, would you pleasecome out here, madam?

I think you hit it right on the head.

What's thatsupposed to mean?

Madam. And the others are her ladies of the evening,

or afternoon or morning, as the case may be.

Concubines,in a schoolhouse?

Well, they have to learn someplace.

Again.

Don't give methat static, lady.

We're here to establish MASH 4077.

You get your concubines out of here!

Concubines?

Out lady, now.

Business before war.

That's what makesAmerica great.

We're here on orders of "I" Corps.

General Irving R. Hamilton,commanding.

Ohh. Binky.

Ready to set up the O.R., Colonel.

Stand by, Major.

Who are they?

Are there people living here?

The Assistance League.

Assistance League?

The oldest profession.

A bakery?

Tarts!

Tarts?

Peach? Raspberry?

-Frank. -Huh?

It's a brothel.

A den of iniquity? In this building?

If you order before 6,I'm sure you can get takeout.

Disgusting. Colonel, request permission

for an armed squad to remove them by force.

Confiscated!

Get cracking!

He took my whistle.

Look, lady, you have to move.

We're using this buildingfor a hospital.

You've got to set up your...

shimmy palace in another spot.

No.

Listen, sister.

Me no Catholic.

We'll put all of you in one of our trucks.

We'll take you any place you wanna go.

Throw in a case of chipped beef.

Oh, no, I love that after church, on toast.

How about a caseof Vienna sausage?

Ohhh.

That got her.She loves Vienna sausage.

-Oh, dresses! -Dresses!

- Pretty! -Thank you, sis.

Uh, hold it, babe. Hold it now. Take it easy.

That's not for sale.That's my confirmation dress.

All right, girls, come on now. Let's knock it off!

Give me that dress!This ain't Klein's basement.

Come on, that doesn't look good on you.

Come on, girls. Hold up!

Let's behave like gentlemen now!

Don't! You're gonna tear it!

Give me that dress. Give me that.

You're gonna split the pleats!

My dress!

That's not your dress.I'll kill ya!

Wait a minute!Hey, come back here!

I've got it.

-POTTER: Klinger!

KLINGER: Give me that dress.

All present and accounted for, sir!

Come over here.

Put that back on the rack,next to the pink chiffon.

And watch the collar.It's simulated raccoon.

-You whistled, sir? -With both lips.

Step over here.I want to talk to you.

Son, those girls arecrazy about your clothes.

They're ruining 'em. Look at my black sheath.

Klinger,I'm the first to say,

you're a fine medicand a snappy dresser.

I try, sir.

They'll give us the buildingfor the clothes.

What? I got 300 clams invested in those dresses!

We've gotta have an O.R.

But my blue chiffon.It's from Murdoch's of Toledo.

I understand. I've alwaysliked that dress.

My pearls won't go with anything else.

Put that chubby back! That's real fake fur.

Klinger, we're gonna havewounded coming in here.

The war is going bad for us.We need that building.

It took me three years of my life.

Alterations.

Sewing my fingers to the bone.

Staying up all night studyingthe Monkey Ward catalog.

Fighting my way through snipers

for the month-end sales at Wangs of Seoul.

Cowboy...

do it for your country.

My country?

Do it for Toledo.

Toledo.

Okay, Colonel.

Ladies, the clothesfor the building.

It's a deal?

-Look what I got!

Corporal Klinger,

that's the finest act ofbravery I've ever witnessed.

HAWKEYE:What's his blood pressure?

116 over 80.

I thought you were asleep.

I always wake up when a ladypumps her sphygmomanometer.

Besides, I don'tsleep well on a soft wall.

What time have you got?

Time to flee.

Captain, you're waxingpoetic again.

I also make candles.

He's improving.

With any luck,we'll have him on his feet

in time for World War III.

Perish the thought.

Not to mention the people.

The weather's clear.

I can see the stars.

That chopper oughtabe here just after dawn.

Is he gonna beable to make it?

Well, he's got his ticket, his matched luggage,

and his souvenir satin pillow that says

"I have visited Korea,

land of the midnight mortar attack."

How close is the enemy?

Uh, that captain said

we're in Communistterritory.

Oh, thank you, comrade.And get me some borscht.

-Easy on the sour cream.-

Corporal, have you heardif they're taking prisoners?

I hope not.

Chop suey makes me break out.

MARGARET: Pierce, stop that!

RADAR:I'll wait in the jeep.

Where's the hospital ship?

Off Sinchon.

Give him a smooth ride.

You think he'll make it?

If they don't get a flat.

MARGARET: What are you doing?

Big hunk of our lives has been spent here.

Yeah, just think of allthe guys we operated on.

Right, Doctor.

A lot of them didn't make it.

Most of them did.You should be proud.

You, too.

We better get going.

Yeah, let's go.

Don't you notice anything?

What?

No shelling. No more machine gun fire.

That's spooky.Let's get outta here.

Come on, let's go.

Now what?

We got plenty of gas.

I'll check the hood.

Yeah, see if the hood's okay.

Hurry up!

Uh, nothing-- nothing's where it is

in my mother's Nash!

What?

Shh, listen.

Holy moly. It sounds like

there's a whole battalioncoming down the road.

I'm gonna be ravaged,I know it.

Tell 'em you're with me.

They're getting closer.

-Let's get outta here. -Aah!

Ow!

-Okay. -What?

Hey!

-HAWKEYE: Hey! -RADAR: It's us!

HAWKEYE: Hey, it's us!Here we are!

-Hey, hey, hey!-RADAR: Over here!

-Aah! -Hey!

Hey! It's us!

RADAR: Boy, are weglad to see you.

Convoy, halt!

Convoy, halt!

Convoy, halt!

-Convoy, halt!

-Corporal. -Colonel.

-What's the scoop?-Our boys beat 'em back.

-We're coming home. -Thank God.

Hey, Pokey. How are ya?

Hey, Klinger.It was really scary.

We were overrunby Chinese almost.

Big deal. I was overrun by a batch of bimbos.

They got everything but the dress on my back.

Geez, what a gyp.

I can't wear this every day.People will laugh.

Hey, how's Snuffyand the twins?

You fed 'em, didn't ya?

Congratulations. You're a grandfather.

-How'd that happen? -Very quickly.

I think the twins brokeone of the Commandments.

Oh!

-Have a cigar. -Thanks.

Oh, Frank, we were surrounded by Chinese.

They were breathing down our necks.

It tickled, but I kinda liked it.

You haven't changed a bit.

Get aboard, Houlihan.

Yo!

Think they'll ever finish, Hawk?

Once they passthe bond issue.

They're goin' awful deep.

Well, they have to.It's polluted.

Remember?Frank fell into it.