Original subtitles

HAWKEYE: All right, give me a clamp.

Hey, Hawk, what's this one?

♪ Da da da da da da da da da ♪

-"Avalon." -Wrong.

"In a Little Spanish Town."

Right.

Please, I'm right in the middle of a stomach.

Try this one.

♪ Da da da da dee da da da ♪

"On Wisconsin."

No, no, no.

That was "O Shepherd, Guide Thy Flock."

Oh, I should've guessed that.

I've danced to that a thousand times.

Shut up, will ya? Shut up! Shut up!

You shut up, Frank!

Everybody in this madhouse, shut up.

We're a little late, folks,

so good night from Name That Tune.

Clamp.

Thank you.

-Colonel? -Yo.

Do you know what I found in this morning's mail?

Uh, now that's a tough one.

Uh, hum a few bars, will you, Radar?

You're goin' home.

I'm goin' home?

You got all your points. They're discharging you.

Discharged?

To Tokyo, San Francisco, then home.

I'm goin' home. I'm discharged.

I'm goin'... I'm goin' home.

Henry, that's terrific.

Henry, congratulations. That's terrific.

That's wonderful, sir.

Give me some suction.

All together now.

♪ O shepherd

♪ Guard Wisconsin

♪ Fight right through that line ♪

I'm goin' home. I can't believe it.

-I'm going home. -Wow.

Oh, boy, that's a burny.

You sure you don't want a drink, Radar?

No, sir. It makes my eyes turn red, and I fall down.

It's kind of nice to lie down with red eyes.

Yeah. Ooh, uh,

you wanted to make that phone call to your wife.

Oh, right, right. Right, right, right.

Now, let's see, Radar.

Uh, we're a day ahead plus 14 hours, right?

Uh, no, sir. The States are a day ahead plus 14 hours.

Well, then, it's yesterday in Bloomington?

Yes, sir.

Well, then, I should have called her yesterday.

Well, you didn't even know about it then.

Why can't everybody be on the same time?

Because the Earth is round, keeps rotating all the time.

Oh. I thought it was just an army thing.

Let's see, in Bloomington.

It's 1:00, Wednesday afternoon right now, sir.

-1:00? -Yes, sir.

Lorraine's not home.

Maybe she just went to the store or something.

No, no. Every Wednesday she gets together

with Ella, Bea, Marie, and Olive.

They go out Route 26 to the Old Red Barn for lunch.

They have two daiquiris, a watercress sandwich,

and then Olive tells all about her hysterectomy.

Every Wednesday, sir?

It's a club.

Well, how long do they usually stay?

Oh, a couple hours.

Then they kill an hour on the way back

feeling yarn at the knit shop.

Well then, why don't you call Mrs. Blake

around 4:00 in the afternoon?

Well, no, no.

Olive usually gets carsick. Better make it 4:30.

Uh, just to be on the safe side, we'll make it 5:00.

No. Andrew has a trombone lesson at at 5:00.

He's learning to play Ravel's "Bolero."

I won't be able to hear a thing.

5:30?

-5:30. 5:30. -Okay. 5:30.

Radar, Lorraine and the kids are going to die.

Yeah.

You know, the first night I'm home,

after we, uh, put the kiddos to bed?

Lorraine and I are going upstairs to our room.

That woman has the most fantastic body

in downstate Illinois--

36, 24, 34--

with skin like alabaster:

clear, soft, smooth and warm.

And she wears those little short, flimsy nighties.

I think I will have that drink, sir.

Finally!

Finally, you're going to command this outfit.

Everything's happening so fast.

Oh, discipline.

Adherence to regulations.

A taut ship.

I love tautness.

To command is your destiny.

Oh.

Oh, I can feel the power

surging through your veins.

Am I really surging?

Oh, Frank, you'll be magnificent.

I just wish I'd taken R.O.T.C. in school.

I wasted so much time in the Stamp Club.

I thought you were president.

Well, that wasn't leadership.

They needed someone to lick the stamps,

and I had the biggest tongue.

Frank, do you doubt your ability?

-Mmm. -Do you want to see

how sure I am of your ability?

Well, all great men have their doubts.

They say going up San Juan Hill,

Teddy Roosevelt was worried sick

about breaking his glasses.

Look, darling.

I've been saving it for you.

Well, I haven't been promoted yet, Margaret.

Out goes Major Burns.

In comes Colonel Burns.

-Margaret? -Yes.

I think I'm surging.

Oh!

Lorraine, is that you?

Well, it's me.

I got good news, honey.

I'm coming home.

Honest. For good.

Yeah, the orders just came through this morning.

I oughta be coming through the front door

in about three days.

Honey... aw, please don't do that.

Honey, please.

She crying?

No, she wants to re-cover the furniture.

Honey, I just wanna see you and the kids.

I don't care what the furniture looks like,

except for the bed.

Now she's crying.

Sir, there's a time limit on the call.

Honey, now just take it easy, okay?

Good.

Um, are the kids home?

She is? Well, put her on.

Janie-poo? It's Daddy.

Num-num-num-num-num- num-num-num-num.

I'm eating you up.

Sir, there isn't too much time.

Leave him alone. He's eating.

Janie, honey, would you get Mommy back on the phone?

Oh, and, uh, tell Andy

to stop playing Ravel's "Bolero."

Lorraine, honey, listen.

Uh, now, there's a lot of things you have to do.

Well, like, uh... my-my suits.

See, I've lost a lot of weight over here.

I mean, I'm, uh, I'm a 34 waist now.

You won't know me stripped.

Wear your dog tags.

Honey, the brown double-breasted.

Uh, it might fit now.

So just take it to the cleaners.

Uh-- She--

Honey, I don't want your mother wearing my suits.

She what?

Well, that's dumb.

She went to a party dressed as Conrad Nagel.

That's it, sir.

Oh, honey, I gotta go.

Now, Lorraine, don't tell anybody.

We'll just walk into the country club Saturday night,

start dancing, and let 'em all cheer.

Lorraine?

Lorraine?

We got cut off.

Sweet Lorraine.

She has a fantastic body.

Okay, Radar, everything in these boxes is to be shipped.

My uniforms go in the bag.

-Check. -Check-a-roony in a banana-ka.

Is there one or two J's in "fragile," sir?

Uh, one will do it, Radar.

There it is.

You find something, sir?

Yeah, that jar of mayonnaise

-we lost last 4th of July. -Oh.

Hey, you better write a letter of apology

to that Navy chaplain. I thought he copped it.

Boy, that's a greeny.

Oh... hey. Hey, hey, hey.

There's a picture of you and me, Radar.

Oh.

Oh, that's right after you took out my appendix.

Hmm. You were one sick kid.

You know, I looked for that thing

till 4:00 in the morning.

It was behind your cecum.

Oh, I didn't put it there on purpose, sir.

You saved my life.

Ah, my pleasure, Radar.

-Um, sir? -Yo.

Um, there's something I'd like to tell you.

Well, now, you've got exactly 34 hours to tell me.

Yeah.

Well, uh...

I just wanted to say that I'm really gonna miss you.

Um, you know, my own father didn't have me

till he was 63.

And, uh, the first time we played peek-a-boo together,

he had a stroke.

Look, uh, Radar, don't get gushy, okay?

You know how I am.

Oh, yeah.

Well, um, anyway, I made something for you.

Oh.

You know how you're always losing your keys?

-Yeah. -Well...

this is a key chain,

and the cartridge is a fob.

Well, hey, Radar, this is terrific.

Thank you.

It's inscribed in writing.

Oh. Oh.

Um, "To Colonel H.B.

"from Corp. O.R., Korea, 1952."

Hey, you know, the workmanship on this is beautiful.

It's a Winchester.

Well, thanks, Radar.

Um, I was gonna get you a bamboo flute,

but they only had three-holers.

Ahem.

Oh.

This was my father's.

Oh ?

It's yours.

For keeps?

Sure.

Oh, wow.

Oh, gee, what a beautiful thermometer.

It isn't oral, is it?

No.

Uh, he used to say, "If," uh, "If you want accuracy,

why, you go right to the horse's mouth."

He was a stickler for accuracy.

Oh, yeah, I'll bet.

Yeah.

Ahem.

Well, um, thank you for everything, sir.

Thank you, Radar.

Hey, come on, now. Let's get on the stick, okay?

Oh, yes, sir.

I'll get this right out of the way.

-HAWKEYE: Ah. Whoo!

-Ahem. -TRAPPER: Hot, huh?

-Mm. -This looks good.

-Ohh. -Want some of this stuff?

-Oh, try this. Try this. -This is great.

-You didn't try this yet. -Terrific.

-Take that.

-Isn't that good? -Now that's good.

Hey, now that's delicious.

-What is that?

-Sea snails. -Sea snails?

By the "snee" shore.

Did you hear what he said?

Okay. Oopsy. All gone.

I'll get-- I'll get some more.

Mm m .

-Garçon, more booze.

HAWKEYE: What is that? I didn't have that.

-More booze, honey. -Sure you did.

You got a whole plateful. Look at it.

HENRY: Oh, here she comes.

Six bucks, tax included.

-TRAPPER: I got it. -I got it.

-I got it. Come on. It's my party. -No, I got it.

I got it.

I'll tell you what, we'll flip.

Tails, you lose. Here you go, Mama-san.

Thank you. Just keep everything coming.

TRAPPER: All right.

Hey, now, listen, guys, guys,

you cannot pay for any more booze.

I'm the one that's going home.

Henry, we're giving you this party.

-Mm. -You know why?

Because I'm going home.

Wrong.

Because you're one hell of a human being.

One hell of a human being.

I got it.

No, we're past that part.

Now we're up to "one hell of a human being."

I'll tell you who's one hell of a human being.

-Mm-hmm.

You guys are one hell of a human being.

That's what you guys are.

-I'll drink to that. -Let--

Let's all drink to that.

There we go.

Ahh.

Hawk.

Mm .

How you doing, Henry?

I gotta go to the toidy is how I'm doing.

But can I find it is what I don't know.

Oh .

Mm.

You go-- You go--

You go out the back door.

-Mm-hmm. -You come to a big tree.

Hmm.

You pass the big tree.

You go to a second tree.

The toidy is the third tree.

The third tree is the toidy.

The toidy tree.

Thank God for Joyce Kilmer.

-Hey, uh, speaking of trees-- -TRAPPER: Hmm.

You know, I'm really gonna miss you guys.

I mean that.

I'm really gonna miss you guys.

I wish we could all go home together.

-Henry. -Hmm?

We had a lot of laughs together.

What? What? What? What?

What?

Remember that time that Father Mulcahy

caught you in your tent

with that lady war correspondent, huh, Henry?

You said you were giving an interview

on the importance of clean underwear.

I can't wait. Which tree is it?

Number one is for number two.

Right.

And number three is for number one.

Number four is the ladies' tree. Don't go there.

Okay, 'scuse me.

Boy, that's a burny.

Oh. Whew. Here we go.

-Whoo-ee. -Mm.

Okay. Hey, now.

Hey, Kim?

-Kim? -Hey.

What, what, what? Come on.

Ow.

-Here's the box.

Now you girls know what to do.

Come on, ladies. Over here.

Over there, girls.

TRAPPER: Over there. You know what--

You know what to do, right? Huh? You're gonna--

-You know? Right? -Stand up straight.

I'm standing straight. The country's crooked.

Shh! Here he comes.

Oh, my gosh.

Henry, you okay?

Oh, fine.

But a lot of bark came off ol' number three.

Don't sit down. Don't sit down.

What, what, what, what, what, what?

Attention!

We're drumming you out of the military.

-Hot dog. -Radar, cue the band.

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake?

Yo.

By virtue of the power of the authority vested in me--

Mm-hmm.

...by Rosey's Bar and Grill and Pro Station--

Mm-hmm.

...and in the presence of those present

who have faithfully served

under your barely distinguishable command--

Mm-hmm.

...I hereby disrupt you of all military rank.

Okay.

Captain McIntyre, would you do the dishonors, please?

From this day henceward,

you will known as Mr. Dr. Henry Blake.

-And now-- -Whoo!

...here's a box!

-A box.

-I got a box. -Don't open it now.

-What, what, what, what? -Henry, it's civvies.

We had the whole thing handmade for you down in Seoul.

Aw...

The tie is silk. Handmade by a worm.

Oh, guys, guys, guys, guys.

Radar, kill the band.

Take five.

Were you surprised, sir?

-Well-- -Were you? Was he?

Do you know what is in that box?

What?

A brand-new suit.

How did you know my size?

I traced you when you were asleep.

Let's get into uniform and play "Assembly," soldier.

Uh, sir, I'm getting a cold sore.

Well, Captain Ahab only had one leg.

Well, he wasn't in the Army, sir.

-He was a whale guy. -Play it!

Ow.

Are you sure that was "Assembly?"

Uh, it's close as I can come, sir.

It's really "Sleepy Lagoon" played fast.

-Ah, forget it. -Yes, sir.

Company, fall in!

On the double!

Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it!

You didn't even shave.

It's not a school day.

Here comes Colonel Blake.

Company, ten-hut!

Take it easy, will you, Frank?

It's all set. You're in charge of the store now.

And, uh, stuff that whistle someplace.

Uh, does the Colonel wish to review his troops?

No, I just wanna say goodbye.

Well, okay.

Your chopper's about ten miles out, sir.

Thanks, Radar.

So long, Hawk.

I'm afraid just a handshake won't do it, Henry.

Trap, thanks for the outfit. It's really dressy.

Henry, that, uh, that suit is really you.

HAWKEYE: If you're Adolphe Menjou.

Gwen.

You old sky pilot, you.

Bless you, Henry Blake.

Your work here will never be forgotten.

Thank you, Father.

Jennifer.

Klinger, that outfit might just get you that Section Eight.

I made it just for this occasion, sir.

I was in such a big hurry, I didn't get the back zipped.

I'll do it.

Up, sir.

There you go, soldier.

Sir, I have a picture of me.

Would you carry it in your wallet?

Your pink evening gown.

I knew it was your favorite, sir.

Two minutes till your chopper, sir.

Oh, thanks, Radar.

You're welcome.

Well, uh, so long, everybody.

So long and, uh, good luck.

-Henry. -Huh?

Well, you think I should?

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

-Whoo-ooh! -Whoo!

It's all yours, Frank.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny

-NURSE: Goodbye. -♪ Which nobody can deny

-♪ Which nobody can deny -Bye-bye!

This kid's a little shocky.

HAWKEYE: We'll take care of it, Henry. You're fired.

That's right, Henry. Your job is finished here.

Get on that chopper. Come on.

Prep him. We'll be down in a minute.

So long, Henry. Have a good trip.

Take it easy, pal.

You behave yourself, or I'm gonna come back and kick your butt.

Thank you.

TRAPPER: Radar, put a mask on.

If that's my discharge, give it to me straight.

I can take it.

I have a message.

Lieutenant Colonel...

Henry Blake's plane...

was shot down...

over the Sea of Japan.

It spun in.

There were no survivors.

MAN : MASH 4077 bids Henry Blake

a reluctant and affectionate farewell.