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MULCAHY:
And we all give thanks
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00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:24,649
for getting us
through another day
3
00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:26,651
without too much trouble.
4
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:42,624
WOMAN: Mmm, you're
such a good kisser.
5
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,582
HAWKEYE: Grandfather
left me his lips.
6
00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,018
He died in mid-pucker.
7
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,897
TRAPPER: You sure
she's not coming back?
8
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,551
WOMAN:
She's with Hawkeye.
9
00:01:56,594 --> 00:01:59,119
Oh, then it should be a while.
He's very thorough.
10
00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:16,266
MARGARET:
Oh, Frank, without you,
11
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:19,748
my intellectual life
would absolutely stagnate.
12
00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,706
FRANK: How does
this snap open?
13
00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:57,829
Halt!
14
00:02:57,873 --> 00:03:00,049
-Who goes there?
-Out of the way, Klinger.
15
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:01,877
I've got to have
the password, Colonel.
16
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,226
Bull feathers.
17
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:05,402
That was last
week's password.
18
00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:07,404
I don't remember
the damn password!
19
00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:09,406
Then I can't let
you pass, sir.
20
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:10,973
-Klinger.
-Sir?
21
00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:13,193
If I don't get
to the latrine,
22
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:14,629
something's going to happen
23
00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:16,587
that hasn't happened
since I was six.
24
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:18,763
If that happens, Corporal,
you'll be in the army
25
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:20,591
until you're a little,
old whatever-you-are
26
00:03:20,635 --> 00:03:22,985
in correction shoes
and support stockings.
27
00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:24,682
-Now blow!
-Yes, sir!
28
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,435
-It's here.
-Great.
29
00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:40,132
Okay, get the
penicillin first.
30
00:03:40,176 --> 00:03:41,960
Right.
31
00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:48,184
I'm afraid I'll have to
take a rain check, Margaret.
32
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,099
Well, it's early, Frank.
33
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:52,275
-Was it something I s--
-No.
34
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,495
I think they're fooling around
with my coffee again.
35
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,638
I got it.
36
00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:10,815
Go! Cut!
37
00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:14,254
Stop!
38
00:04:15,994 --> 00:04:17,126
I said stop!
39
00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,649
-Somebody, stop!
-MAN:
40
00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:23,785
What the-- Who the--
41
00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:25,308
Klinger!
42
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,179
You better stop.
43
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,834
Klinger, fire for help!
44
00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:31,488
My purse is stuck
in the trigger!
45
00:04:47,112 --> 00:04:49,027
Back!
46
00:04:49,071 --> 00:04:52,030
Look, uh, you can
have the gun, fella.
47
00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:54,119
Yeah, the army's
got dozens of 'em.
48
00:04:56,034 --> 00:04:57,514
Let's not have
any shooting.
49
00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:59,777
Isn't there one
man among you?
50
00:04:59,821 --> 00:05:01,997
The job's open,
Margaret.
51
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,173
What's all the hoo-ha?
52
00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:08,699
-Good work, Klinger.
-Thank you, sir.
53
00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,875
-Fastest fur in the West.
-MAN: Ohh.
54
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,486
Does anybody
know who he is?
55
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,140
Okay, people,
I'll deal with this.
56
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:16,533
No need for a mob scene.
57
00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:19,536
I don't know.
Seven against one seems fair.
58
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,195
It's still seven
against one.
59
00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:28,415
What do you got here?
What is this?
60
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:31,374
TRAPPER:
No broken bones,
no infection.
61
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:33,202
You don't need
penicillin.
62
00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:34,943
You was certainly
stealing enough of it.
63
00:05:34,986 --> 00:05:36,945
Is there a plague someplace
we don't know anything about?
64
00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:39,513
You know,
the new black market
price on that stuff
65
00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:41,384
is 50 bucks a pop.
66
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,212
Maybe we oughta
sell all we have
67
00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:45,214
and pay North Korea
to throw the war.
68
00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:46,650
That hurt?
69
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:50,045
Cat's got his tongue.
70
00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:51,351
Or he sold it.
71
00:05:51,394 --> 00:05:54,266
Anything goes
with you kids, huh?
72
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:56,660
A guy told me about a sergeant
down in Seoul the other day.
73
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,227
Sold his jeep
74
00:05:58,270 --> 00:06:00,272
while his major was
asleep in the back seat.
75
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:03,667
Yeah? How much are they
getting for used majors?
76
00:06:03,711 --> 00:06:05,930
Shall we sell Hot Lips
and find out?
77
00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:08,193
Too much mileage on her.
78
00:06:08,237 --> 00:06:09,978
Cut these things
longer, will you?
79
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,414
They're supposed
to be this short.
80
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:12,850
No, they're not.
81
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:15,592
Now, look here,
uh, Corporal, uh...
82
00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,289
Perkins,
83
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,030
we don't care if
you and your buddies
84
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,858
sell the 38th parallel
for profit.
85
00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:23,774
But penicillin is vital
to our war effort.
86
00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,950
We're not gonna let
some patient die
87
00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:28,213
just because you wanna steal
your way through college.
88
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:31,652
I didn't sell the stuff.
89
00:06:33,610 --> 00:06:36,265
All right, then,
why'd you take it?
90
00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:38,354
I got my reasons.
91
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,877
Such as?
92
00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:42,184
What outfit are you with?
93
00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:44,882
Who were those
two other guys?
94
00:06:44,926 --> 00:06:47,363
I don't have to tell
you anything.
95
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,279
Well, you're certainly
doing a good job of it.
96
00:06:50,322 --> 00:06:51,585
You're not leaving
here, Perkins,
97
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:53,195
until we get to
the bottom of this.
98
00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:55,719
Call MacArthur.
Have my discharge canceled.
99
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:12,823
-Colonel?
-Yo.
100
00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:15,043
-Someone to see you, sir.
-Not now, Radar.
101
00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:17,480
I just got in some new Picassos
from Bloomington, Illinois.
102
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:20,265
Well, it's a Captain Goldberg.
A Jewish rabbi.
103
00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:22,311
Well, you can't hardly
find the other kind.
104
00:07:22,354 --> 00:07:24,792
-Colonel Blake.
-Oh, uh, Captain Rabbi.
105
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:26,707
Are we alone?
106
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:28,360
Well, except for us.
107
00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:31,625
It's me--
Colonel Flagg, C.I.A.
108
00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:33,104
Colonel Flagg?
I thought--
109
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:36,456
Call me Goldberg.
Captain Goldberg.
110
00:07:36,499 --> 00:07:38,588
Captain Goldberg
Colonel Flagg?
111
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,416
It's my cover.
112
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,114
As far as anyone knows,
I'm a Jewish chaplain.
113
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,376
You got that, son?
114
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,684
Uh, yes, Your Hebrewness.
115
00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:50,339
You caught a thief
last night.
116
00:07:50,382 --> 00:07:53,211
Well, just the old
4077th on the stick.
117
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:55,083
He was stealing
penicillin.
118
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:57,999
The theft of penicillin
is getting out of hand.
119
00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,827
Well, you might
say there's been
120
00:07:59,870 --> 00:08:02,046
a rash of
penicillin thefts.
121
00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:05,223
That's a good one.
122
00:08:07,051 --> 00:08:09,227
It's sort of a joke.
123
00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:11,142
We don't joke
in the C.I.A.
124
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:13,710
Check.
125
00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:15,320
Leave the jokes
to the Kremlin.
126
00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:17,409
Double check.
127
00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:19,977
Now, where's
Corporal Perkins?
128
00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:22,197
Colonel, that's not his name.
Captain.
129
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,241
What does that mean?
130
00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:25,374
Well, I ran down
his dog tags.
131
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,376
Turns out they belong
to an infantryman--
132
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:28,899
Perkins, Charles P.
133
00:08:28,943 --> 00:08:31,032
Killed in action
about a month ago.
134
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,904
Uh-huh.
135
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:37,386
Now, why would he use
a different name?
136
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:39,519
Maybe he's C.I.A.
137
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,564
No, I'm Perkins
in the C.I.A.
138
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,087
Oh.
139
00:08:43,131 --> 00:08:44,567
Whoever he is,
I'm taking him
140
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:45,960
with me tonight,
Colonel.
141
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:47,570
Well, uh, let me
see if he's able.
142
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,790
I want him.
That makes him able.
143
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,748
I know, but there may
be medical reasons.
144
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:52,967
Don't cross me, Colonel.
145
00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:54,969
We know where your
family lives.
146
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:57,972
Hey, I'm an American,
too, fella.
147
00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,495
Yeah.
148
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,105
Quiet, or I'll use you
to clean a cannon.
149
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,412
Yes, sir.
150
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:07,764
Now, what time
can I have him?
151
00:09:07,808 --> 00:09:09,461
Perkins?
152
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:12,421
Uh, here you go, sir.
153
00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:13,988
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
154
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:15,729
You just get this signed
by the attending doctors
155
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,339
Pierce and McIntyre.
156
00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:19,907
Pierce and McIntyre.
157
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:20,908
Uh-huh.
158
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:22,779
Oh, yes.
159
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:27,001
Red marks next
to their names?
160
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:29,090
Unfriendlies.
161
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,048
Yellow next to mine?
162
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:32,354
Work on it.
163
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,403
HAWKEYE: Okay, all right,
what do you want?
164
00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:39,491
Pierce, sign this.
165
00:09:39,535 --> 00:09:40,928
What is this?
166
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,494
It's a release
of a prisoner.
167
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:43,844
I can't sign this.
168
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,410
I thought it was
to have you committed.
169
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,108
You'd better put
your name on it.
170
00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:48,762
I've got enough on you to have
you thrown out of the army.
171
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:50,415
Is that a promise?
172
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:52,113
You could do with a
little rest, Chaplain.
173
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:55,203
Soft bed, soft chair,
soft walls.
174
00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:57,074
What's that crack
supposed to mean?
175
00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,381
Oh, come on, Flagg, relax.
Have a drink.
176
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,122
-I'm not Flagg.
-Mm.
177
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,819
I'm Captain Goldberg.
178
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:05,648
Sorry, Rabbi Goldberg.
L'chaim.
179
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:06,693
What's that mean?
180
00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:08,999
Bottoms up,
from right to left.
181
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:11,654
What about the prisoner?
182
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:14,701
I told you,
we can't let Perkins go.
183
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:17,094
And I told you,
his name's not Perkins.
184
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:18,443
It's Goldberg.
185
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:19,531
Sign it.
186
00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:20,707
Ah, come on, will ya?
187
00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,665
Your brain pan's dripping.
188
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,798
It's your gung-holier-
than-thou attitude.
189
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,713
Yeah, you'd do anything
for the cause.
190
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:28,062
Remember the last
time you were here
191
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:30,194
when you broke
your own arm?
192
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:34,634
And you rigged that jeep so
you could run over yourself.
193
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,462
You're gonna kill yourself.
194
00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:38,812
If I have to.
195
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,422
Hey, that's the spirit.
196
00:10:40,465 --> 00:10:41,989
Yeah, if we had
more men like you,
197
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:44,078
we'd have less men like you.
198
00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,471
My orders are to do
whatever I have to
199
00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:48,299
to break up this
penicillin ring.
200
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,562
I have written permission
to die in the attempt.
201
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,478
Good luck.
202
00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:55,567
You don't know
there is a ring.
203
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:57,221
We've gotta get
the truth first.
204
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,875
You give me that kid
for one hour.
205
00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:00,572
I'll get the truth.
206
00:11:00,616 --> 00:11:02,705
Anybody can do that if you use
his fingernails for kindling
207
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:04,533
and teach him to soft-shoe
with a cattle prod.
208
00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:06,622
Yeah, we kinda hoped
to talk to him.
209
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,189
Being amateurs at torture.
210
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:09,886
Stick to medicine.
211
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:12,759
Leave war to the
professionals.
212
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,630
Stop by the hospital
before you go.
213
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,850
You could use about
20 CCs of humanity.
214
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,214
Major Burns.
215
00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:34,606
You're--
216
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,478
I know who I am.
217
00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:39,307
You can knock off, Major.
I'll guard the prisoner.
218
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,874
Oh, but my orders are--
219
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:43,572
The C.I.A. can supersede
anyone's orders.
220
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,400
Except the President's,
of course.
221
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:47,010
Give us time.
222
00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,059
Gonna give him
the business?
223
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:55,584
It's not gonna
be pretty, Major.
224
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:57,455
Well, what are
you gonna do?
225
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,457
Tell me.
I can take it.
226
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,634
I'd ask you to stay, Major,
but torture's top secret.
227
00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,158
Oh, I understand.
228
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:06,377
You come up with
something good,
229
00:12:06,421 --> 00:12:08,945
and then the other side
starts using it.
230
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,686
You're my kind
of people, Major.
231
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,166
Well...
232
00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:13,950
I'll leave you
to your work.
233
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:17,737
Uh, if I can ever
be of help, uh...
234
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:20,478
if there's anyone I can
tell on, you know...
235
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:22,002
Thank you, Major.
236
00:12:26,484 --> 00:12:28,008
Get up, punk.
237
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:40,411
Now I'm only gonna
say this once.
238
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:43,675
Get lost.
239
00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:48,506
Beat it.
240
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:53,076
Take a powder.
241
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:58,647
You're not gonna buy
one in the back.
242
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:00,867
Frisk me. Come on.
243
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:17,378
Ah!
244
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:24,140
There's this one back here.
One here, and one over here.
245
00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:26,360
I believe it was the
Marquis de Sade who said,
246
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:27,927
"You really know how
to hurt a person."
247
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,493
You think I'd do
this to myself?
248
00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:30,973
We'll need a suture here.
249
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,540
I think you'd go over
the Falls in a thimble.
250
00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:34,759
Novocain syringe.
251
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:36,022
Hey!
252
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,458
No drugs.
253
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,460
A little Novocain
in your head.
254
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:41,462
You'll never know
the difference.
255
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:42,680
Negative.
256
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:44,595
If I lose control,
257
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:45,988
you guys don't have
the clearance
258
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,337
to hear
what's in my head.
259
00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:49,426
I haven't got
the stomach for it.
260
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,734
Just... do it, hmm?
261
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:55,302
-You heard the manic.
-Right.
262
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:58,696
Uh, the, uh, powder blue
thread, I think.
263
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:01,743
Would you like it to say
"Home Sweet Home" or "Mother?"
264
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:03,919
I don't think he's
ever had either one.
265
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,705
I'll just put his initials.
C.I.A.: Crazy In the Army.
266
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:09,577
You guys'll get yours.
267
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:11,274
Can we pick the nurse?
268
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,886
You know, there's
something happening here
269
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,366
I can't make out.
270
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,325
Level with us, Flagg.
271
00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,501
That Perkins kid didn't do
all that damage to you.
272
00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:22,111
His name's not Perkins.
273
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:24,157
-All right, Goldberg.
-I'm Goldberg.
274
00:16:26,246 --> 00:16:27,769
Gee, the next time
you come here,
275
00:16:27,812 --> 00:16:29,814
I wish you'd
pass out programs.
276
00:16:29,858 --> 00:16:31,947
All right, gift wrap him.
277
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:35,255
You want something
for the pain?
278
00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:37,387
I mean, to increase it,
so you can really enjoy it.
279
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:38,562
I'll finish this.
280
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,131
This entire conversation
goes in your file.
281
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:44,786
Sitting there, I've recorded
every word you guys said.
282
00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:46,875
You'll never guess where
he hid the microphone.
283
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,312
Something's fishy.
284
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:50,748
It's the red herrings.
285
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,362
He's uh, quite a man,
isn't he?
286
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:57,320
Who's quite a man, Frank?
287
00:16:57,364 --> 00:16:59,409
Colonel Flagg,
the C.I.A. guy.
288
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:00,889
Hmm.
289
00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:03,935
Do you, uh,
find him attractive?
290
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,285
He's all right.
291
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:08,331
Uh. Well, if I were
a woman, I would.
292
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,333
Do you often have
these fantasies, Frank?
293
00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:12,161
-What fantasies?
-About being a woman.
294
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,902
-I never do.
-You just did.
295
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:16,252
But, Margaret,
Margaret, darling,
296
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:18,385
you know how jealous I get.
297
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,214
Frank, my hair
is very brittle.
298
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:22,911
You can't keep kissing
the top of my head.
299
00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:24,521
You're going to give me
a crew cut.
300
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:26,697
I'm sorry, darling.
I just want you to think
301
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:28,221
I'm as manly as he is.
302
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:30,136
I know just
how manly you are.
303
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,833
-Sit, Frank.
-Yes, dear.
304
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,706
How about one for the road?
305
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,447
HAWKEYE:
To the Land of Nod.
306
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:40,189
Thought you had a date.
307
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:41,886
My mind's not on it.
308
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:44,063
How about the rest
of your body?
309
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,629
To the rest of my body.
310
00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:47,066
Long may it wave.
311
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:51,505
I'd give anything to know
what Flagg is up to.
312
00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,768
-Or down to.
-Right.
313
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,204
Sirs!
314
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:57,250
Mother, you made
it to the fort.
315
00:17:57,293 --> 00:18:00,514
Someone's in the
supply room again.
316
00:18:00,557 --> 00:18:02,255
That kid never knows
when to give up.
317
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:04,822
-Let's go.
-Right behind you, kemosabe.
318
00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:16,704
Shouldn't be too hard.
He's all taped up.
319
00:18:16,747 --> 00:18:18,097
What if he's
with his friends?
320
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:19,533
It's okay.
So are we.
321
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,579
God, it's dark in here.
322
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:23,798
-I got him!
-Hey, okay.
323
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:25,626
I got him!
I got him!
324
00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:27,454
KLINGER: Ow! Be careful!
You'll tear my blouse!
325
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:31,849
HAWKEYE:
Get out of the way!
326
00:18:31,893 --> 00:18:33,721
Dear me. My--
327
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:34,939
-TRAPPER: Watch out!
-HAWKEYE: Ow!
328
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,158
KLINGER:
I can't see anything!
329
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,290
Somebody
turn on the light!
330
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,900
-Dear--
-What's that?
331
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,510
HAWKEYE:
What are you doing?
You hit me!
332
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:41,642
KLINGER: Somebody.
I can't see!
333
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:42,991
Get him! Get him!
334
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,085
Not too rough, boys.
335
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,957
After all, he is
a man of the cloth.
336
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:54,872
Come on.
337
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:02,706
I suppose there's an official
explanation for this,
338
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,186
in addition
to an honest one.
339
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,710
It took three of
you to take me.
340
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:08,103
Nice right cross,
Trapper.
341
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,278
Any time.
342
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:10,714
What's all the
commotion about?
343
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,107
New wrinkle.
344
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,153
We caught our friend here
stealing penicillin.
345
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:16,329
-I don't believe it.
-Tell her, Captain Marvel.
346
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:17,721
-Help me.
-My people need it for barter.
347
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,071
They're desperate
for it up north,
348
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:21,986
so we use it to
buy information.
349
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:24,163
We use it to save lives.
350
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,904
If I get information
that'll end a battle sooner
351
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:28,906
or information
that'll avoid an ambush,
352
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,517
I'll save more lives
than you will.
353
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,301
Why don't you
just torture them?
354
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,085
What did we send you
to school for?
355
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,658
I'm checking his ribs.
356
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:43,007
Shall we send out for sauce?
357
00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:46,402
Why are you
harassing the colonel?
358
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:49,057
He's twice the man
either of you are.
359
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:52,495
That makes him four times
the man the two of us are.
360
00:19:52,539 --> 00:19:54,497
He's C.I.A.
361
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:57,500
I wouldn't care if he's C.O.D.
362
00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:58,762
Then we could refuse him.
363
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:00,460
This isn't fun
and games, friends.
364
00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:01,983
There's a war
going on here.
365
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:03,941
I sure hope my wife
doesn't find out.
366
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:08,990
I'm leaving tomorrow
with the penicillin.
367
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,470
Over my dead body.
368
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,343
Let me put
that another way.
369
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:16,606
Frank,
370
00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:18,608
how could you be
such a pea brain?
371
00:20:18,652 --> 00:20:20,871
Well, Flagg wanted
to get on with his torture,
372
00:20:20,915 --> 00:20:23,483
and, you know,
three's a crowd.
373
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:25,615
Well, I'll not have
anyone tortured
374
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,878
at the 4077th, Frank.
375
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:29,445
We're a hospital!
376
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:31,099
Well, we're also army.
377
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:32,622
You're army!
378
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,885
I bet if I cut you,
you'd bleed khaki.
379
00:20:34,929 --> 00:20:36,278
-And proud of it.
380
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,280
Well, how proud are you
gonna be if I--
381
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,283
How proud are you gonna be
382
00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:43,894
if I charge you with
deserting your post?
383
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:46,549
Well, uh,
he ordered me to leave.
384
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:48,638
He's a superior officer.
385
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:51,598
He's a superior psycho.
386
00:20:51,641 --> 00:20:55,254
His head's so twisted,
he's got to screw his cap on.
387
00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:56,211
Radar!
388
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,996
Perkins is back, Henry.
389
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,390
-He's here?
-The M.P.s just brought him in.
390
00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:07,353
Colonel Blake, is this the man
caught stealing your supplies?
391
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,616
That's him!
You oughta be flogged.
392
00:21:09,659 --> 00:21:11,270
What, are you with
the British Navy?
393
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:13,663
His name's Johnson.
394
00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:16,013
He's a medic with
the 415th Infantry.
395
00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:18,364
Being a medic, son,
you should know better.
396
00:21:18,407 --> 00:21:22,063
Colonel, we're not taking
the supplies for ourselves.
397
00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:24,152
You see, rear echelon
is giving the stuff out
398
00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:26,502
with an eyedropper.
399
00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:29,940
But the more penicillin we
can get to the guys on the
front line who've been hit,
400
00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:31,377
the more of 'em
we can save.
401
00:21:31,420 --> 00:21:34,162
So sometimes we have
to steal what we need.
402
00:21:34,205 --> 00:21:36,338
It's either that,
or we use our own money
403
00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,515
to buy it from the States
or on the black market.
404
00:21:39,559 --> 00:21:41,387
That's illegal!
405
00:21:41,430 --> 00:21:43,954
As opposed to
the war?
406
00:21:43,998 --> 00:21:45,826
If you got all the
supplies you needed,
407
00:21:45,869 --> 00:21:47,697
we wouldn't have
anything to inventory.
408
00:21:47,741 --> 00:21:49,351
TRAPPER:
Good thinking, Frank.
409
00:21:49,395 --> 00:21:51,135
An Army travels
on its inventory.
410
00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:53,573
Before I return him
to his outfit,
411
00:21:53,616 --> 00:21:54,965
you wanna press
charges, sir?
412
00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:58,360
No, no, no, no.
I don't think so.
413
00:21:58,404 --> 00:22:00,057
Johnson, next time, ask.
414
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:02,059
If we've got extra,
it's yours.
415
00:22:02,103 --> 00:22:03,409
Thank you, sir.
416
00:22:03,452 --> 00:22:05,193
Well, I hate to break up
this little tea party,
417
00:22:05,236 --> 00:22:06,586
but I'm certain
Colonel Flagg
418
00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,022
would like to talk
to the corporal here
419
00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:10,720
about his, uh, escape
and his assault on him.
420
00:22:10,764 --> 00:22:12,679
Oh, Frank,
that was a phony.
421
00:22:12,722 --> 00:22:14,420
Colonel Flagg, sir?
422
00:22:14,463 --> 00:22:16,596
He's the camp
self-abusement director.
423
00:22:17,814 --> 00:22:19,033
Uh, Doctors,
424
00:22:19,076 --> 00:22:20,948
why don't you see
to Colonel Flagg,
425
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:23,254
while, uh, Johnson here
leaves the camp?
426
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:24,821
I think we should arrange it
427
00:22:24,865 --> 00:22:26,823
so the colonel leaves us
alone indefinitely.
428
00:22:26,867 --> 00:22:28,651
Good idea.
429
00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:30,305
Yeah, why don't we
see how he's coming
430
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,524
after his operation?
431
00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:32,655
What operation?
432
00:22:32,699 --> 00:22:34,222
Give us a minute.
433
00:22:42,143 --> 00:22:44,406
-Good morning, Captain.
-Colonel.
434
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,190
Congratulations.
435
00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:49,280
I've decided not to have you
guys thrown out of the army.
436
00:22:49,324 --> 00:22:50,934
That's really hitting
below the belt.
437
00:22:50,978 --> 00:22:53,154
I've got the penicillin.
I'll settle for that.
438
00:22:53,197 --> 00:22:55,199
Well, all's fair
in love, et cetera.
439
00:22:55,243 --> 00:22:57,419
Hey, I wouldn't
eat the bacon.
440
00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:59,029
You'll spend a week
in the latrine.
441
00:22:59,073 --> 00:23:00,596
What about the sausage?
442
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:01,815
Two weeks.
443
00:23:08,822 --> 00:23:10,171
Vitamins.
444
00:23:17,134 --> 00:23:19,049
There's not enough gas
in the Hindenburg
445
00:23:19,093 --> 00:23:21,138
-to put this guy under.
-I had to promise him,
446
00:23:21,182 --> 00:23:23,097
as soon as he went under,
we'd sew up his mouth.
447
00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:26,230
Is this really
on the up-and-up?
448
00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:29,364
Do I really have appendicitis?
449
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,018
You felt the cramps.
450
00:23:31,061 --> 00:23:33,586
You practically
doubled over.
451
00:23:33,629 --> 00:23:36,545
Your whole side is inflamed.
Even your pistol was hot.
452
00:23:36,589 --> 00:23:38,634
Come on now.
Breathe deeply.
453
00:23:38,678 --> 00:23:40,854
-We've gotta open you up.
454
00:23:40,897 --> 00:23:43,900
We'll close our eyes if we
find any undigested microfilm.
455
00:23:43,944 --> 00:23:47,251
You're gonna get that
long rest you need, Colonel.
456
00:23:48,601 --> 00:23:52,518
The sanitary
c-conditions here...
457
00:23:52,561 --> 00:23:54,433
We change the filth every day.
458
00:23:54,476 --> 00:23:58,741
If I get an infection...
459
00:23:58,785 --> 00:24:04,181
remember, I've got
plenty of penicillin.
460
00:24:04,225 --> 00:24:06,357
We've got plenty
of penicillin.
461
00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:07,881
And you've got
plenty of nothin'.
462
00:24:07,924 --> 00:24:09,143
Scalpel.
463
00:24:16,150 --> 00:24:18,500
Anything I can do for you?
Anything at all?
464
00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:19,675
I'm fine.
465
00:24:19,719 --> 00:24:20,720
Major.
466
00:24:20,763 --> 00:24:21,764
Excuse me, sir.
467
00:24:23,070 --> 00:24:24,680
It was a simple appendectomy.
468
00:24:24,724 --> 00:24:26,116
If your breath
gets any hotter,
469
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,378
you'll singe your chest.
470
00:24:27,422 --> 00:24:29,206
-I--
-Let's move along,
471
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:30,338
shall we, Major?
472
00:24:33,210 --> 00:24:34,864
Don't eat the bacon, huh?
473
00:24:37,345 --> 00:24:38,955
What was in the coffee?
474
00:24:38,999 --> 00:24:40,522
Beans from Brazil.
475
00:24:40,566 --> 00:24:41,828
Saltpeter from Jersey.
476
00:24:41,871 --> 00:24:44,047
Uh, where's the penicillin?
477
00:24:44,091 --> 00:24:46,572
Most of it's hidden.
The rest is distributed
478
00:24:46,615 --> 00:24:48,574
in various rumps
around the room.
479
00:24:48,617 --> 00:24:50,532
And yours is next.
480
00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:52,186
The square needle, please.
481
00:24:57,452 --> 00:24:59,280
Look, he's all
red, white, and blue.
33679
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