All language subtitles for MASH.S03E13.Mad.Dogs.and.Servicemen.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Here you go.

Just like Mom's, give or
take a couple of nozzles.

I'm sorry it's powdered.

World War II surplus.

Just think about
the guys in the next war

that are gonna have
to eat this one.

Radar, your little
friend and I

just had another
shower together.

I think he's trying
to have an affair
with one of my corns.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

That's quite a spread you got
here for the little buggers.

Oh, they'd do the same for me
if they had the wood.

They all got their
own little dog tags.

That, uh,
P for Protestant?

Possum, sir.

I put 'em
according to family.

I see.

I told you
not to do that.

He's a colonel.

Gee.

You make a great
lower-lip sandwich.

Really?

I'm engaged to a pilot.

So am I. I just hope
it's not the same one.

RADAR: Anybody in here?

Ohh.

Wait.

Later, Doctor.

My tent, around seven-ish?

I'll be the one with the
khaki rose in my teeth.

Now what can I
do for you, Radar?

And please remember,

I'm running out of
anti-puberty pills.

Uh, you're supposed to sign
these release papers

for these patients'
releasal.

I don't understand
a word you say,

but I'll fight to the death
your right to confuse me.

Sign right here.

Hey, that's
a nasty scratch.

Whoever she is, you better
tell her to clip her nails

or file her teeth
or both.

Well, I was kiddin' around
with a dog the other day,

and it bit me.

Didn't mean to, though.

What dog? When?

Couple days ago.

Just a mutt. I give it
stuff from the kitchen,

although I don't like
bein' cruel to animals.

Where's this dog now?

Comes and goes.

Radar, dysentery and rabies
are the two biggest numbers

on the Korean Hit Parade.

Get me that dog.

"Corporal Travis,
Richard. To Tokyo.

Typical psycho case,
shell shock."

Frank, that's straight
out of World War I.

Nobody thinks
"shell shock" anymore.

Oh, what's the diff?

Too much action gets 'em
in the old brain box.

Makes even the best
soldier gaga.

Frank, I defy you to
show me a medical book

that lists the
word "gaga."

New shipment?

Yeah. They were stampeded
by a herd of tanks.

One kid's paralyzed,
but no apparent injury.

Which is why I'm
sending him to Tokyo.

Frank, it's no skin
off your nose

if we observe him
for a few hours.

We haven't facilities

for every slug-nutty
that comes through here.

Slug-nutty?

Wait a second.
Wait a minute.

Look, Frank, we can
settle this diplomatically.

Shake hands,
go to your corner,

and when the bell rings,

Trapper will come over
and beat your brains out.

TRAPPER:
Slug-nutty.

-Here?
-Right here, yeah.

How do you feel, fella?

I don't, sir.

What happened?

Can you talk about it?

I don't know.

What's the last
thing you remember?

Uh...

the tanks, I guess.

And I blacked out.

And the next thing I know,
I couldn't move.

Sounds like one of those cases

Sid Freeman's been working on.

All right, you can park him.
He's staying.

Yes, sir.

I'm in charge,
and I say he's not staying!

He's not wounded!

And probably just
another litter salesman,

trying to suck us in with
a free demonstration.

He goes to Tokyo,
and that's an order!

Cancel the order.
We'll take the patient.

I outrank them, corpsman.
I can have you punished.

We can do better than that.

We'll stitch your helmet
to your head.

TRAPPER: This way.

You two are gonna
pay for this.

Not on our salary.

We'd like to apologize
for Major Ferret Face.

He used to be
a driver for Hitler
till the bomb went off.

Been losing screws
and clickin' his heels
ever since.

Sidney?

Hawkeye Pierce.

Did I interrupt you in
the middle of someone?

Good.

Listen, we got a kid up
here who's paralyzed,

but he's sustained
no wounds at all.

Combat exhaustion,
I figured.

Listen, I'd love
for you to come up here

and try your new
therapy on him.

Well, I've been trying to do it
in my own crude way, but--

Look, I know you're busy.
I'm busy too. We're all busy.

The war's making us
all millionaires.

I can't do it.
I'm not a psychiatrist.

I'm not screwed up enough.

Okay, I'll try.

I'll try.

What did Sidney say?

He said I should
go ahead and do it.

I'll be wonderful.

Watch this kind
of wonderful.

Captain Pierce,
I want a word with you.

Fine. You wanna act it out
or whisper it in my ear?

It's about
Corporal Travis.

Because of your orders,

we're having to change
his bed around the clock.

Well, you have my permission
to move the clock.

You're disrupting
my nurses' routine.

Look, Clara...

I'm not issuing
a bedpan license

to anybody who can walk on
his own two feet, okay?

That is the most inhumane,

degrading thing
I've ever heard of.

-How can you be so cruel?
-Tight shorts.

Cuts off the oxygen
supply to my brain.

Morning, Corporal.

You're still a U.S. soldier!

I expect you to look at me
when I address you!

Lot of people here
at Cockroach General

think that you can't do
anything for yourself,

like-like walk or anything.

I don't think that's true.
What do you think?

I think you're wrong.

Yeah, but your legs
are on my side.

What's that mean?

They're both still there,

each on the correct side.

You haven't got a scratch
inside or out.

They can function.

You wanna tell me
about the tanks?

What happened
after the tanks came?

Look, we all have
our breaking point.

Personally, mine is at 2:00,
4:00 and 6:00 every day.

It's a condition

known in medical terms
as yellow belly.

I survive by keeping a standing
reservation at the latrine

and screaming into
my pillow every night.

Of course, that's not
everybody's style.

Okay, you'll tell me
when you're ready.

Meanwhile, muscles have a way
of being very vindictive.

You don't take 'em out for
a walk once in a while,

they try to stay home
permanently.

In fact, you lie
there long enough,
when you go home,

you're gonna get yourself
a good job as a doorstop.

Save the room service.

He's takin' the Shoe Leather
Express to the mess tent.

He can't eat in there.

Who can?

I hear the specialty
today is trench toast.

Doctor, the patient
obviously can't walk.

Well, then he can crawl,
or he can go hungry!

Whatever you prefer!

Sir, don't you think
I want to move?

Well, it'll come in handy

when you get sent
back to the front.

Otherwise, you're gonna
be a pretty big papoose

for somebody's backpack!

Not easy, is it?

Do you know
that Hitler and I

have the same
answering service?

-RADAR: Here, doggie, doggie.

Poor little doggie, all alone
in a foreign country, lost.

That dog is Korean, Radar.
It barks in Korean.

Oh.

Ohh.

You-you-you
wanna quit, sir?

No, no.

But if I shake hands
with one more farmer,

I'll probably be
elected to office.

I'm sorry, sir.
It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.
It wouldn't have happened

if I never let you
have that zoo.

I should've seen it comin'.

First time you came in
with that little field mouse

and asked us to fit
him for glasses.

Here, doggie.

How's your hand?

It's okay.

Oh, hello,
Mrs. Rosie.

HENRY:
Hi, Rosie.

Hello, Colonel Blake.
Radar.

What do ya hear, Rosie?

Well, the Philippines
just arrived

with 50,000 cakes of soap.

Janet Leigh's
marrying Tony Curtis.

And it looks like

Ike's got the nomination
all sewn up.

Boy, you really have
all the poop, don't you?

Yeah, uh,
speaking of poop,

you haven't seen a
little dog around here,

have you, Miss Rosie?

A little white
and brown one?

Uh, no, sir, it was more
brown than white, actually.

-It's just a basic dog, Radar.
-He was brown.

About so high with
a little wet nose.

It bit Radar
on the hand.

Are you all right,
Corporal?

Uh, yes, ma'am, as long as I
don't start acting rabid.

You haven't seen him, huh?

I don't think so.

Oh, they've seen
your dog, Colonel.

Oh, where? When?
Ask him.

Ah.

What'd he say?
What'd he say?

-"Kay koom moouh."
-"Kay koom moouh."

They say,
"It was delicious."

Holy Toledo.

Dog stew.

Radar, these guys took your
dog home in a people bag.

I'm sorry, Corporal.

How could they do that,
eat a dog?

Must have been
a hell of a bun.

It's a very common dish
among our older people.

Did this dog have
anything around its neck,

like, uh, tags?

They ate the tags, too?

They say their dinner
wasn't wearing that.

Oh, well, then it's
not my one then, sir!

Yeah. Yeah, great.

-Wonderful.
-Sir, wonderful.

Wait-wait-wait a minute.

We're still not out
of the woods, Radar.

What do you mean?

I mean as long as that
mutt's still missing,

you're gonna have to
start the rabies shots.

-The shots?
-Look, I'll be
right there with ya.

And I come visit you.

I'll bring you something
special to eat.

Oh, no, thanks, Mrs. Rosie.

I'm not feeling very
hungry in the future.

It's just fever from
the vaccine, Corporal.

Yes, ma'am.

Aren't you gonna
read your letter?

Oh, I get sort of carsick
when I read in bed.

Would you, for me?

Well, it's
from a young lady.

It might be
intimate or personal.

Oh, that's okay. I don't
know anybody personally.

Well, all right,
but rest assured,

I won't listen
to a word I read.

"Dear Corporal O'Reilly,

"you don't know me,
but Mrs. Kittley,

"whose cashier where I work
and also a Red Cross lady,

"gave me your name off a list

"as a young red-blooded
American soldier

"I could make happy
with a letter from home.

"So I did. I know you
are busy with the war,

"laying down your life,
et cetera,

"so may not have time
to write back.

"If so, please check one:

"Yes, I can answer this,
no, I cannot.

"And now a little
bit about myself.

"I am 17 years old,

"and my name is
Wanda Nell McCandless.

"I live in Catoosa,
Oklahoma,

"and work in candy at
Kress' Five and Dime.

"That's probably why everyone
tells me I'm sweet. Ha ha.

How do you like me
so far: Yes/no?"

"My favorite song is
'Oh, the Wayward Wind is
a Restless' by Gogi Grant

"and 'Pretty Thing,' 'Diddy
Wah Diddy' by Bo Diddley.

Do you agree: Yes/no?"

Which one?

The-the second one.

The "Diddy Bo Diddy" thing?

"By writing this letter,

I feel I'm doing my own
small part for my country.

Would you like to go steady?

If so, would we have
to go all the way?"

Oh, no.

Especially on
the first letter.

"Because I'm not allowed
to do that for my country,

although there are some do.

Do you know Sharon
Kay LaFever: Yes/no?"

No.

"If so, she's one that does.

"Hope you don't get killed in
action before this gets there.

"Please send me a picture
of you in your uniform,

"and I'll send you
one of me in mine.

"S-W-A-K, Wanda Nell.

"P.S. If asked,

"people say I am a very
pleasant-looking young lady.

"How would you
describe yourself?

"Check one: Made in heaven,
Adorable, Not Bad,

Need help, Really hurting."

Corporal?

V-A-I-L-N-E-S-S.
There it is, Scrabble fans,

and that's the end
of the game.

"Vailness"? "Vailness."

What the devil
does "vailness" mean?

It means he's losing.
Take that off.

I swear it's a word.

I swear it
on Frank's life.

Vailness?

Vailness.

A quality of vail.

The act of vailing.

To be full of vaily.

Aw, come on. Henry,
it's your turn.

I quit. What am I gonna do
with an "X" and a "zikm"?

Somebody plays a "ray,"
you can take your "X"

and blow this game wide open.

Okay, okay. What I need
is another drink.

What's the matter
with the one you got?

Oh.

For one
thing, it's gone.

Poor little tyke,
his first shot.

Pretty rough, you know.
All alone in the hospital.

Henry, he is
with other patients.

Who would find it
very strange to see
their doctor

crawling into bed
with one of them.

Yeah, but why Radar?
Such a good kid.

Tell you what.
After lights out,

we'll go over there,
and we'll entertain him

with little bunny
shadows on the wall.

I'm closed.

FRANK: Colonel, I know
you're in there.

That's very good, Frank.

Now can you describe
what he's wearing?

Colonel...

Frank, whatever it is,
just write it down

and put it on my desk
where I can't find it.

I just tripped over
Captain Pierce's patient.

He was crawling
into the mess tent.

Terrific.

Is this the battle
fatigue case?

-Uh-huh.
-It's disgraceful.

A United States soldier
crawling on the ground.

Try telling that
to the infantry, Frank.

That man's a psycho,
and for some perverted reason,

these two wanna
play games with him.

We're just following
Sid Freedman's advice.

Sid's the best.

You get a soldier who has
hysterical paralysis,

and you treat him as though
he's really paralyzed,

and he'll become sick
just to rationalize the guilt

of leaving his buddies
at the front.

Anyone who needs psychiatry
is sick in the head.

Aw, can it, Frank.
Go ahead.

Sid feels you take
a patient like that

and send him back to
a nice, clean hospital,

it just deepens the guilt.

You send him home, and
it sets it in concrete.

Yeah, he's been
treating his patients

as close to the
front as possible,

with the idea that they'll
return to their unit.

Otherwise, they get
sent stateside,

and-and one moment's
failure on the battlefield

becomes a lifetime
disability.

Sid gotten good results?

Good enough
to keep trying.

It's a bunch o'
hooey, Colonel.

I'm taking this to
a higher authority.

Oh, Frank, you're not gonna
call your mother again?

You know, uh,
it seems to me

the fact that he made it
to the mess tent at all

-is a good sign.
-Oh, very good.

Now if we could just
get him to open up

about what happened,
talk it all out.

Unfortunately, in his eyes,
I'm just left of Godzilla.

Yeah. Yeah.

Why don't I give it a try?

My wife says
I'm easy to talk to,

whenever we're talkin'.

I hear you and I have
something in common.

You're from Boston.

That's where I interned,

when I wasn't tryin' to
sneak into the ballpark.

You ever watch
the Red Sox at Fenway?

I grew up at Fenway.

Radar?

Can you hear me?

It's me.

I'm sorry about
the car, Dad.

I had to swerve
to miss the lake.

We really miss you
around the place.

Radar?

Are you sure your parents
won't be home till later?

Ted Williams drafted?

You sure?

He's on his way
to the R.O.K.

Oh, they can't do that.

The Sox'll never take
the pennant without him.

531 times at bat last year
and an average of .318.

-Radar?
-Hmm?

I really hate to
bother you with this,

but could you just
think for a second

where the key to the bottom of
my liquor cabinet might be?

Mm-hmm.

Well, where is it?

Um...

Oh, it's under the welcome mat
on the back porch.

Radar, we don't
have a back porch.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I'll request one
for you right away.

Doesn't seem fair.

He was having
such a great year.

Weren't you,
before you were drafted?

Yeah.

But I bet he'll do
a lot better over here.

Better than who?

Those tanks, they just
kept coming and coming.

And they were so big.

They were so big, you know?

And...they killed everyone.

And-and they killed 'em
even after they were dead.

I-I tried.

I really tried.

But I couldn't move.

I didn't fire my rifle.

I didn't throw my grenade.

God, I didn't do anything.

I just laid there,
like some coward.

It's all right, Corporal.
It's all right.

Okay, there's no rabies
in this group.

Now, so that none of us ever
have to go through this again,

I'm gonna vaccinate
all your little hoo-has.

Steal the sign
from the nurses' tent?

McIntyre...

stand still and pretend
you're not here.

I do that all day long.

I think Radar's dog
came home to roost.

Just gonna ease over...

nice and friendly...

-and grab him!

-Come on, let's go!

TRAPPER: There he goes,
over this way.

- Hey, doggie!
-Come on, dog!

Hey, dog, come here.

-Come on.
-There he goes.

-Hey! Get the dog!

-Henry!
-Yeah!

Look out!
That miserable dog!

Hey! Get him!
Look where he's going!

Look out! Mad dog!
Look out!

-Look out!
-Watch it!

-Henry!
-Where's he going?

He's going behind
the mess tent.

He's going behind
the mess tent.

Look out!
Get outta my way!

HENRY:
Oh, my goodness.

-Watch that dog!

-Holy cow!
-Henry, look out! Come on!

-Mad dog! Look out!

Mad! Look out!
Mad! Look out!

-Radar.
-Huh?

We found the dog
and it's negative.

-You're gonna be okay.
-Oh, no more shots?

Not on your Aunt Fanny.

Then I'm gonna
live past 18.

A deal's a deal, sir.

No more "hells,"
"damns,"

and especially
not the big one.

No more fibs,

and I promise I won't watch my
rabbits mess around anymore.

So whatever Major Houlihan
says is what I feel.

Anything I could add would
be of little consequence.

I won't argue with
you there, Frank.

You rang, Henry?

It's very simple,
Colonel.

Either you ship
Travis out,

or the major and I will simply
have to go over your head.

Well, you've done that
so many times,

I've got athlete's scalp.

How's the Travis
kid coming?

I think okay.
Give him a few more days.

Keeping that man here defies
every medical precept!

So do you, Frank.

You're an incredible example
of death after life.

Colonel,
did you hear that?

Yeah, I heard that.

FRANK:
...on a medical level.

Uh, Captain Pierce, sir?

I'm standing.

Great position.

He had no idea
you were so tall.

Otherwise, he wouldn't
have been rough on you.

I'm not usually a pushover
for a uniform,

but I love ya, kid.
I really do.

Margaret, I was wrong.

Oh.

You're always wrong, Frank.

That's what's so
right about you.

Come on.
I'll buy some bad coffee.

Travis, this time,
you walk to the mess tent.

Hey.

Where's my
Sunbather's Annual?

I don't know.

What are you reading?

Ladies' Home Journal.

I'm taking a test to see
if I'm a thoughtful wife.

What's that, Frank?

Medical journal.

You know, the Travis case
reminded me of...

the importance of keeping
up-to-date medically.

-Oh, very good, Frank.
-Well, for instance,

this article, it suggests
that on major surgery,

a doctor should base his fee

on 5% of the patient's
yearly income.

Hey, stop that!

Come on, you guys!
Hey! Help!