All language subtitles for MASH.S03E12.A.Full.Rich.Day.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Dear Dad.

Something new has been
added: A tape recorder.

One of our guys stole it
from the Tokyo PX.

He gave it to a nurse
as a carnal bribe,

and then she gave it
to Father Mulcahy

in a gin-induced
fit of remorse.

Father Mulcahy
gave it to me

because he didn't want
anybody to think

he was taping confessions.

Our program originates
from the Swamp,

which is the subject
of a picture spread

in next month's
Toilet and Garden.

Not five feet away from me
I see Trapper John McIntyre

cutting his toenails.

He sells them to the
tourists as war souvenirs.

Say hello, Trapper.

Hello, Trapper.

Isn't he clever?

He had the bolt in his neck
tightened yesterday.

Speaking of which--

yesterday, that is--

we had what is known
around the 4-0-double 7

as a full, rich day.

It started out in triage.
That's the process

of assigning the wounded
medical priority:

who's hurt the worst,
who's sicker than who.

-On the subject of sick--
-Move, move, move.

...Frank Burns was in charge.

I share quarters with Frank--

Frank and a family of roaches
and a herd of silverfish.

-Driver!
-Frank is the tall one.

Where's the driver?

I want the driver
of this bus, chop-chop!

What do you want
the driver for, Frank?

I want to know what we
got on this bus!

Migrant workers, Frank.

They came to pick
the lettuce crop.

Give this man a
unit of whole blood.

He didn't make the ride.
I can't find a tag.

This must be the
Luxembourg lieutenant.

-Are you the driver
of this bus?
-Yes, sir.

I've ordered you
not to wear dresses.

Oh, not till I get
a psycho discharge, sir.

-Over my dead body.
-Whatever you say, sir.

Where's your S-47 manifest
and D-21 triplicate?

You should have given
those to me immediately.

Sir, these men
are hurt and bleeding.

Did you give them
permission to bleed, Frank?

Did they fill in
their pain forms?

Oh, stuff it,
you wagster!

-What about him?
-Leave him. He can wait.

MAN : Captains
Pierce andMcIntyre

report to O.R. immediately.

Move it, sirs.

All yours, Frank.

Not too many
decisions now.

You don't want to get
a headache.

What have you got there?

I said, what have you
got there?

A sandwich case, Major.

You want him
back up or belly up?

Turkish soldier, sir.

I'm pretty nuts,

but this guy could
open a crazy school.

Why wasn't this man
sedated?

He was, sir.

They pumped a whole
drugstore into his arm.

He's got a busted shoulder
and a fanny full of lead,

but these Turks won't leave
their buddies for nothing.

-Right.

Major, you want to take away
that knife of his?

I'm not interested
in mock heroism.

I'll settle for
the real thing, sir.

Get him to pre-op!
They'll sedate him!

Klinger, I want to see you
out of that dress tonight!

Never on a first date, sir.

Don't sneak down
on me like that.

I'm sorry, Major.

Whatever happened
to saluting, Corporal?

Beats me, sir. Have you seen
the Luxembourg lieutenant sir?

Captain McIntyre says he's
supposed to be on this bus,

but I can't find anybody
with his identifi--

I don't care what
Captain McIntyre said.

I have never cared.
And at this moment,

I don't care twice as much
as I never cared before!

Hey!

Excuse me.

I need some help.

I believe a salute is
in order, Lieutenant.

Uh, here's a salute
for you, sir.

What's your outfit,
buddy?

I'd appreciate
some help right now.

I asked your outfit.

My sergeant, Sergeant Bryan,
is in the back of the jeep.

He's badly hurt. I want you to
take care of him immediately.

Look, Lieutenant, I know
how difficult this war is.

It probably seems even worse
to you people at the front.

Your Sergeant Bryan will be
processed and taken care of
in due course.

Now.

Sir,

that's one of those new guns

can shoot 30 corporals
a second.

I make the medical decisions
around here, Lieutenant.

Decide.

Are you threatening
me with that thing?

Yes, sir.

-Corporal?
-Sir?

You're a witness.

I sure wish I could go
and report it, sir.

Just stay right here and
keep an eye on this man.

I think Colonel Blake will
have a little something
to say about all this.

Hi.

Where does that door go?

That's the pre-op--

p-preparation
before operating.

All right. Get another man

and take Sergeant Bryan
in there.

Only surgical personnel
can go in there, sir.

-Do it.
-That's a great idea.

Why don't I
just go get a man

and do just like
you wanted me to?

HAWKEYE: You have no idea,
Dad, what a calming effect

Frank Burnshas in pre-op.

Not unlike Dracula
showing up at a blood bank.

Fortunately, we can,
in times of stress

always rely on Henry Blake's
cool eloquence.

Will you hold
your bladder, Frank?

I tell you, he threatened
me with a gun!

It probably had
no water in it, Frank.

-Is this the crazy Turk?
-Yeah.

I gave him half a grain
of morphine, sir.

Will you never mind
about the crazy Turk?

There's a crazy
American out there!

Sorry, Frank. This is
the crazy Turk hospital.

The crazy American hospital's
on the other side of town.

Get him on the table.

You just didn't read the guy
right or something, Frank.

I mean, nobody walks in
and sticks up a MASH
unit at gunpoint.

-Bring him in.
-Colonel

-Who's the head man here?
-Um, he is.

You rank this
chicken lover?

Well, I'm the I'm
the senior officer.

Sir, my name is Smith.
This is Sergeant Bryan.

He's one of the finest
men alive,

and we're going to
keep him alive, right?

And he's gonna get
top priority, right?

Now, look here,
Lieutenant, uh

-Smith.
-That's right.

First thing you're gonna do,
Smith, is put that gun down.

Guns have a way of going off,
which is usually followed by

parts of the body
breaking away.

Why don't Lieutenant Smith
and I have a talk outside?

-Okay.
-Oh, no. Not till someone--

Meanwhile, your friend
will be looked at

by Colonel Blake
and Major Chicken Lover.

Let's go, shall we?

You're just spreading
germs in here.

Is that the guy, Frank?

Uh-huh.

-You smoke?
-No.

Oh, good for you.

The country's littered
with butts as it is,

turning South Korea
into an ashtray.

-They call you Smitty?
-Some.

They call me Hawkeye.

That's from The Last
of the Mohicans,

the only book my
father ever read.

Mother read all the time.

That way she didn't have
to talk to Father.

Uh, look, Smitty, I'm gonna
have to go serious on you

about this thing, okay?

Yes, sir.

We have a different
perspective on war as a whole

than I think is
possible for you.

To a line officer
with 30 or 40 guys'
lives depending on them

and with your life
depending on them,

the war's not some big
geopolitical conflict

between nations
and ideologies.

It's not just China
and America

sticking their tongues
out at each other.

To you, there's maybe
30 or 40 guys

in that high grass over there

trying to kill me
and my 30 or 40 guys.

It's that concentrated.
To you, that's the entire war.

I guess that's right.

But it's something else
in our little heaven.

To us, the war is trying
very hard to control chaos.

We're up to our bottoms in
other people's bottoms here.

We can't afford the same kind
of fierce personal loyalties

that you and Sergeant
Bryan feel for each other.

Can you understand that?

I sure can.

It's the size of the wound,

who's bleeding
the most buckets

that we give priority to.

It's the only place I know

where being the worst
makes you the best.

Yeah. I sure can
see what you mean.

I thought you would.

Now get back in there
and fix Sergeant Bryan,

or else, understand?

Perfectly.

-Number 10 blade.
-Number 10.

Aah! Frank! Look,
I don't mind you trying

to make a soup bone
out of my thumb,

but if we screw up
on Sergeant Bryan here,

the fella who's outside
paying the bills

might get very angry.

We wouldn't want his
credit card to go off.

Giving in to that lieutenant
is the height of cowardice.

Coming from you,
that's a compliment.

Keep quiet, Frank, or we won't
let you keep the deposit

on the specimen bottles.

Let me see those X-rays
again, Mr. Kwang.

HAWKEYE: How's the mad
Turk doing, Henry?

I could sell his left shoulder
as a jigsaw puzzle.

Colonel!

-Frank, will you just--
-Henry, your patient!

Oh, for Pete's sake.

All right, you.
On your back.

Attaboy. Bomb him,
will you, Mr. Kwang?

What the hell
is he saying?

Why don't we all go
to Berlitz and find out?

Henry, he's your patient!
Get him!

Now, look, look.

I mean, nobody wants
to hurt you, guy.

Keep it up, Henry.
Lovely, Henry.

Just give me
the needle, huh?

Just give me the--

-FRANK: Guard! Mayday!

-Mayday!
-99, 98...

97...

Good night, sweet prince.

Are you feeling
better, sir?

I dreamt I was home.

Sunday morning.
Lorraine and me in bed.

All of us: the kids,
the dog, the Sunday papers.

You can never put that dog
next to any papers.

Uh, yes, sir.

Where's the Turk, Radar?
Did we get him?

Oh, not yet, sir. We're
combing the entire area.

Fool could have killed me.

I get the wrong kind of shot,

I turn blue
and curl up in a ball.

There's someone
waiting to see you, sir.

I was born with someone
waiting to see me.

RADAR: Right in here, sir.

Lieutenant Colonel Blake,
I am Colonel Blanche,

commander of
the Luxembourg contingent

to the U.N. Forces in Korea.

Well, this is
a privilege.

I've met many of our
allies over here, sir

but you're the
first, um, um

Luxembourger.

One of my men, Lt.
Henri Batiste LeClerq

he was wounded and
brought to your unit today.

Well, I'm sure he's
getting the very best care
we can give him, Colonel.

-Uh, sir?
-Hmm?

-That won't be necessary.
-Of course it's necessary.

-What are you talking about?
-Lieutenant LeClerq sort of,
um

died, sir.

Oh? Oh, I'm sorry.

Those are the
fortunes of war.

Are you dead sure, Radar?

I mean

Well, we think that he more
or less had passed on

when he was brought
in on the bus, sir.

You will understand,
Colonel Blake

that it is of the utmost
importance to our
small nation

that I recover the body for
appropriate military honors.

Yes, sir. We'll have
that body for you

before you can say
"Jacques Robinson." Radar?

Well

Now, sir, the thing is
that we've sort of, um

misplaced him, sir
lost him, you might say.

We've lost him?

And that, sir,
is not at all

one of the
fortunes of war.

I will not leave
here without him.

I'll have the place
turned upside-down.

I want this camp
turned upside-down.

I'll find him.
I promise. Yes, sir.

There'll be no
not finding him.

Clear?

He'll find him.
We lose 'em all the time.

You still there, Dad?

I am, most unfortunately,
still here.

I wrote a letter to
General MacArthur last week

suggesting the war
be declared a draw.

He sent me back an autographed
picture of himself

wading ashore
at the Philippines.

Right now,
my manservant Trapper

is mixing me a martini.

He makes them beautifully.

He made me an especially
dry one last night,

but it blew away.

Your recipe is 4-1,
is it not?

Five to one, actually.

Uh, five parts gin

and one moment's silence
for the vermouth.

Thank you. I'm sure our
listeners found that boring

without actually being
interesting at all.

No trouble.

Getting back
to yesterday, Dad--

Can you see in there?

...Trapper and Frank Burns

worked on Sergeant Bryan

with a devotion unmatched

since Dr. Mudd worked
on John Wilkes Booth.

-Clamp, clamp, clamp.
-How's he doing? Okay?

Okay. Clamp.

Lieutenant Smith
sat in on the session

with his E-flat alto carbine.

At one point,
Corporal O'Reilly

came scurrying along
on his two little feet,

which incidentally
is also his height.

Sir! Sir? I found him!

Found who, Radar?
Mr. Right? Who?

The Turkish soldier!
I need help!

Ask Colonel Blake.

He keeps, uh,
falling asleep.

-How can you tell?
-I'll get your bag.

Where is the Turk, Radar?

He's hiding in the kitchen.

If he eats any of our food,
our problems may be over.

Uh, hello?

Now, look, fella.
I realize that to you,

the war's not just
some geopolitical conflict

of nations and ideologies.

That's twice
that didn't work.

I don't think he
speaks any English.

If he understands fear,
we're in business.

The U.N. Puts out this
Turkish dictionary.

Well, they're
certainly gonna get my
Christmas card business.

-Look up, uh--
-Cinli!

Cinli.That's good.
Look that up.

Look under--
under "Ch" for Cinli.

Cinli!

Hurry up, Radar, before
his eyeballs explode.

Chinese!
It means Chinese!

Chinese!

He certainly doesn't
seem too crazy

about you-know-whats.

Yeah.

I got an idea.

Whatever it is,
I love it.

Momentito.

-Cinli!
-Cinli!

I think he just wants
to get back to his outfit

so he can kill more Chinese.

Chinese!

Cinli!

And that's just what
we're gonna let him do.

But his shoulder.
He needs attention!

Don't argue, Radar!

He needs clothes!

-Right.
-Give him yours.

-Huh?
-Get undressed, Radar, fast

or I'll pull you right
out of your boots!

I send you back to front.

-In a jeep.
-Jeep?

So you can
all the Cinliyou want

to your Turkish delight.

Okay?

-Okay.

Good Joe.

Damn good Joe.

Get undressed, Radar.

I'm sorry
there's no band.

FRANK: Come on, Lieutenant.
I can't see anything.

-TRAPPER: Lap sponge.
-NURSE: Lap Sponge.

-Rats!
-Watch it, Frank.

SMITH: What did he do?

Nothing! Mm!

Don't sweat, Lieutenant.

That's what he usually
does around here.

No slipups, understand?

Hey, look, pal.
It's hard enough

playing cat's cradle
with someone's guts.

You don't make it any
easier standing there

with that coffee grinder.

This isn't the Old West,
you know.

Just keep working.

Boy, you guys at the front.
You think you own the war.

Well, it's not easy
back here, you know--

the noise, the pressure.

I'd like to see
how tough you'd be

if you didn't
have to be so brave.

Hey, Frank,
you're sucking around

for a blast
of friendly gunfire.

TRAPPER: Frank, let's
get ready to close.

-I'll clean him up.
-Okay.

Can we have
a little irrigation?

You sirs seen a body in here
should be somewhere else?

Yeah, Klinger-- mine.

-Suture.
-Suture.

Boy, if this doesn't
take the cake.

Sending a wounded man back
to the front in my clothes

and toasting it
with prune juice.

Radar, in my bag,
right on top

is a brown bottle
with clear liquid.

Nice, clear liquid.

Put some in our
friend here's juice.

And you jeep him
out of camp,

but you won't get
more than half a mile

before he falls asleep,

-and then bang-o.
-Bang-o!

Right. And you drive
him right back here

and we put him in the
shop for some body work.

Ready, Skippy?

Here's to chloryl hydrate.

Chloryl hydrate. Okay?

You bet your mustache.

Frank, would you
do me a favor?

Sure.

Next time we work together,

let's do it apart.

Love your toga, Radar.

Just nobody
say nothing to me.

Corner of 57th Street
and the war, and step on it.

I've had this place
turned upside-out.

I can't understand it.

Did you see that?

Just my corporal riding
around in a sheet, sir.

There's so little
for the men to do.

That was my jeep.
He has stolen it.

Oh, I don't think so.
It's not like Radar

to steal anything
without asking.

Colonel, I'll get the
jeep back. Don't worry.

But as for
Lieutenant LeClerq,

since we can't seem
to locate him,

maybe we could perform
a brief ceremony

honoring his loss.

That is, your losing
him, not our losing him.

That is very thoughtful.

Well, I think it's the
very "lost" we can do.

Hey, look, pal, It's been a
well-rounded day of insanity

to which your contribution
is no longer welcome.

So you can knock off
the heroics

and drop the fowling piece.

And I'd lay off
watching those movies

where the hero always says
"Hey, take my buddy first.

He's hurt worse
than me, Doc."

Right? Wrong.

It's his chest
and shoulder.

Recruiting office got
their money's worth
out of this guy.

Let's prep him.

And you can remove
my foot from my mouth.

It's about a size 12-ectomy.

Corpsman!

3-0 silk on
a Keith needle.

MAN : Attention.
All available personnel

will assemble in the compound
for a memorial tribute

personally conducted
by Colonel Henry Blake.

Finish closing, my dear.
We'll split the fee.

Lost but not least--

I mean, uh, last
but not lost, the--

Oh, boy.

This command salutes
the gallant spirit

if not the actual body

of Lieutenant
Henry Batiste LeClerq.

Tony, hit it.

MAN : The national
anthem of Luxembourg.

LeClerq!

Uhh!

I thought you said
he was dead.

He got better.

HAWKEYE: He never could
handle his prune juice.

Dennis, Igor, give me a hand.

-Okay?
-No okay. You hold it
just one second.

You're gonna stay here.
I got to fix you up.

I fix you.

You sick. You got that?

Damn good Joe.

Okay?

-Hey, wait!
-Where are you going?

-Hey!
-Hey!

Yeah, well, that's how it is:

You lose a few,
and you lose a few.

-This is almost
all run out, Dad,

so before it's over,

I thought you might
like to hear

from some of the guys here.

Trapper, want to say
hello to my dad?

Hello, Dad.
Your son's no good.

Thank you, Trapper.

This is my other bunkie,
Dad: Frank Burns.

Oh, I know. And then that thing
squirts water in my face.

That's Frank Burns,
Dad, all over.

Radar?

Would you like to, uh, snore
something for my father?

Thank you, Radar O'Reilly.

And the ever-lovely
Henry Blake.

Um, Mr. Pierce, sir,

I'd be mighty grateful if you'd
call my wife, Lorraine Blake,

in Bloomington, Illinois.

-Thank you, Henry.
-And ask her to send
some new shorts.

Okay.

Well, it's, uh,

it's just about
all over, Dad.

Good-bye.

And, uh...

hope I see you soon.