Original subtitles

♪ Oh Tokyo

♪ They got some saki and sashimi ♪

♪ And some clean sheets

♪ Oh kimono

♪ Kimono

♪ Kimono

♪ Oh yeah, Tokyo's the town that I love the best ♪

♪ East maybe east and west maybe west ♪

♪ Forget about the Twain It'll drive you insane ♪

♪ And teach you things you never knew before ♪

Just a high buff, please. No polish.

You have very strong hands, sir.

Oh, thank you, Klinger.

My father gave 'em to me for graduation.

He had to. Mom gave me a pen and pencil set.

I sure wish I was going with you.

-Tokyo's the greatest. -Yeah.

In just a few short hours,

these hands will be hopelessly in love

with some young lady of the geisha persuasion.

Mmm, that runs into money.

No, not really.

A full evening with a Japanese hostess

comes to only about $30.

Of course, batteries are extra.

Very nice. You really do a good job, Klinger.

Well, I'm not just another pretty face.

You're a rat for not taking me to Tokyo with you.

I'm a married man, honey.

I only go out with girls who don't know that.

They're off again.

Only one thing on their pleasure-depraved minds:

-debauchery, lust. -What was that, Frank?

Fine ambassadors for the medical profession.

First they'll check into some sleazy little hotel,

probably shower, freshen up, like people of that type do.

And then they'll go down to the bar,

a dark little pickup place, and there'll be those girls

with tight satin skirts perched up on high bar stools

sitting there with their legs crossed.

And these two lechers will slither up to them and, you know.

What, Frank? What do I know?

Hey, what are you going to miss around here the least?

I think looking down and seeing a rat using my shoelace for dental floss.

You?

Be nice to go for three days without amputating anything.

Ah. Three days without shaking hands with somebody's gall bladder.

For your divine help in granting us this sabbatical,

we give thanks, O Lord.

You rang?

I didn't know He made house calls.

Well, Tokyo, here you come, I see.

-We're off to see the wizard. -And who's that?

How do we know? We haven't met her yet.

I hate to interfere with your rest and relaxation--

...but I do have a short shopping list from some of the gang,

and, of course, the filthy lucre to pay for same.

-What do we got here? -Oh, the usual:

cameras, lenses, watches.

A training bra?

-Can't be for anybody we know. -Klinger.

Understandably, there's some gaps in my education.

What exactly is a training bra?

It's just like an ordinary one,

only it has two little wheels in back.

Well, have a nice trip, boys. Be good.

And if you can't be good, be careful.

Aren't we lucky to have such a nice Father?

It's for the trip.

Oh, I thought you were signaling a left and a right turn.

I'll have to remember that.

Why don't you watch where the hell--

Oh, I'm sorry, Father. I thought you were a regular person.

Quite all right.

Are you guys gonna be at the Daichi Hotel?

I mean, I may have to call you,

in case things start jumping back here at the ranch.

We're kinda off the Daichi, Henry.

Too near the railroad. Noisy.

They asked you not to come back, right?

They said we were too loud.

Some of the guests complained

they couldn't hear the railroad.

Look, either of you clowns know Yamashida Street, in Tokyo?

Yeah, sure. It runs parallel to the Ginza.

That's right. There's a Japanese restaurant right on the corner.

Hey, how about that? They got a Japanese restaurant in Tokyo.

And there's a book shop, next door.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

Now, they got this package for me.

Just give 'em this, 34 bucks,

and say you're Orville Carver.

Who's Orville Carver, Henry?

Well, they think I am.

But they've never seen me,

so they'll think either one of you guys is.

What's in the package, Henry?

Japanese prints. Old ones.

I mean, some things never change...

if you get my drift.

Henry, you have all the subtlety of a community bedpan.

Just get the prints.

Excuse me, sirs.

You got a shopping list, Radar?

You want us to buy you a new pair of glasses at the dime store?

How about another pair of Dr. Dentons?

I hear they came out with a new power flap.

Sign here, Colonel.

Radar, I spent the entire morning signing my name.

Now, why didn't you have me sign this

while I was signing all those other things

I was signing my name to,

which I didn't know why I was signing them either?

-Signing. -Sir, this is new business.

A whole truckload of plasma just rolled in.

-Ah, great! -Terrific.

Every time we get a new truckload of plasma,

we get a truckload of wounded to pump it into.

Well, let's go, Radar.

We'll have a bunch of shot-up kids showing up soon.

Won't need this. Better suit up, guys.

Whatever you say, Orville.

TRAPPER: Come on, close that. Let's go.

Please remember the sponge count, girls.

-You too, Mr. Kwang. -Yes, Major.

I should be in Tokyo now,

up to my pectorals in warm water...

surfacing only occasionally to be fed raw fish

by a pretty, little "orienta."

-Give me the heavier silk. -I'm sorry, doctor. Here.

Boy, I'd sure love to send my hips out for a walk.

Come on, give me that. Let's go, Nurse.

Let's not make a big thing out of this.

HAWKEYE: Okay, wrap this one to go, Mr. Kwang.

Yes, doctor.

Hello, toots. What are you doing after the war?

Don't be a wise guy, sir.

Hiya.

This guy's got a simple laceration. He can wait.

I'm closing a routine flesh wound here.

-Henry, who's on triage? -Hold it.

I've got a bowel that's talking back to me here.

-Here. -I didn't ask for this.

-I thought you would need it. -Then I probably do.

-Frank volunteered. -Figures.

Frank would volunteer for a firing squad.

-Or to be in front of it. -Or both.

Colonel, I protest this attack

on Major Burns' character in his absence.

Actually, we're attacking his absence of character.

No kidding, Henry. We gotta start getting our casualties in here

-in the right priority. -No question.

You can do this, Major.

-I'm not sterile. -Congratulations.

FRANK: Okay, men. Hustle, hustle, hustle.

Let's move it. Let's move it.

And back here on the double!

Father, this is a medical situation.

-We're busy in here. -Oh, I'm just wetting his lips, Major.

Well, wet 'em somewhere else.

-Frank, what are you doing? -What do you mean, "What am I doing?"

I'm doing my duty. That's what I'm doing.

Oh, really? Got a good ingrown toenail case?

Anybody with adenoids? Diaper rash?

Get off this bus, Captain.

The purpose of triage, Major,

is to select patients for immediate surgery.

Oh, you teaching me medicine now?

That's rich.

Why do you keep sending us cases that can wait?

Now, listen, hotshot. I'm a pretty fair doctor myself.

Ask any of my patients.

We can't dig people up just for that.

This man's got a chest wound. He oughta be in O.R. right now.

He happens to be Chinese.

Then we'll operate with chopsticks.

Corpsman, get this guy inside.

Now, don't you dare, and that's an order!

I'm busy now, Frank. I'll take your order later.

I remind you, Captain Pierce,

Army standard triage procedure is as follows.

American wounded, first. Allies, second.

Enemy, last. Repeat, last.

Frank, that man is bleeding more than anybody in here,

with the possible exception of your nose

if you don't get out of my way.

Let's go. Get him inside.

Now what you're doing is mutiny!

I'm command of this bus!

"Mutiny on the Bus." It was a B-movie.

They couldn't afford a bounty.

Allen Jenkins played the bus driver.

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Battle action has terminated. No incoming wounded.

Colonel Blake commends the unit

and invites everyone to have a drink--

Dutch treat.

-Hawk, coffee's up. -Fine. Pour it in my ear.

-Come on. -Don't want any.

I'll take two lumps with mine.

Ahh.

I got a casualty count before we left O.R.

You want to know how many cases we handled in the last 36 hours?

-No, not really. -473.

I think that's an all-timer.

We did, um, 18 laporotomies, 21 busted femurs,

-16 bowel resections-- -Captain, can we put a lid on the shop talk, please?

You know, for once I agree with him.

-I said that. -I know.

Let me have some more of that sugar,

only this time no coffee.

-I've gotta talk to y'all. -Sorry, Henry.

We've thought it over, and we're quitting.

Yeah, we got a better offer from another war.

Saturdays and Sundays off,

and we don't have to do windows.

Read this.

Read this.

Read this.

Well, blow my nose.

Colonel, is this true?

Radar took the call. It came in on the radio.

It's from the Chinese.

The Chinese called us?

They're probably dying for some American takeout food.

No, they've got nine shot-up G.I.s

on their side of the line,

and they need more attention than the Chinese can handle.

So they're willing to have us come and get 'em.

And here are the conditions.

One vehicle, uh, driver, doctors, corpsmen only.

No guns. Not even sidearms.

The pickup point is a place called, uh,

uh, Rainbow Bridge.

It's 50 miles inside their territory.

-It's a trap! -Absolutely.

They're savages.

I say, we should go.

When are you going to learn about Chinese treachery?

Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?

It could be a trap, Trap.

Oh, yes.

Well, I'm afraid this is what you call your command decision.

It's "lonely at the top" time.

Strictly something for your leader.

-Well, Henry? -Oh, golly.

Whatever you people decide is fine with me.

Have a drink.

-Wait a minute.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

We are all doctors, with one notable exception.

We have no choice but to go pick them up.

He's right. The Chinese have no antibiotics.

No real surgical setup.

Their way of treating a simple fracture is by amputation.

Well, boo-hoo for the Chinese.

They're pretty clever when they wanna be.

They invented gunpowder, spaghetti, pigtails.

"Little Feet for Women," by Louisa May Alcott.

The major's point is that they're trying to

suck us into a situation and set us up for a wipeout.

Spaghetti?

A map of Rainbow Bridge, sir.

There it is, in blue.

Right next to Boardwalk and Park Place.

This thing here that looks like somebody's belly is China.

That can't be 20 miles from their border.

Jumpin' butterballs.

Right in the middle of the yellow horde's ball park.

-HAWKEYE: Frank? -Hmm?

If you say "yellow horde" one more time

while the war is still in motion,

I'm gonna cut out your tongue and use it for a pen wiper.

You still won't face reality, will you?

Perfect ambush country.

Knock a few MASH doctors off,

and break down the morale of our brave,

freckle-faced kids at the front.

Can I please say something?

Anything but "yellow horde."

That's his.

I'm not unfamiliar with the Chinese approach to war.

Her father fought in France, in World War I.

Ambushed to one side,

I think we must consider the possibility of capture,

torture, brainwashing, and, yes, even rape.

Rape a doctor?

I'll hit 'em with my purse.

Radar, could I get a cup of coffee, please?

Yes, Colonel. Anybody else?

How about you, ma'am, sir?

I don't know. Going up there without any protection

might just be asking for it.

Henry, we know the Chinese are more decent

with our wounded than the North Koreans.

Yeah, they know we give their wounded a break.

I think it's a real offer.

Yeah, but if it's not, if you guys get killed,

I'll never hear the end of it.

Cream without sugar. Sugar without cream.

And black without cream, and no sugar.

Henry?

Radar, I'll need a driver and a corpsman.

Volunteers, sir?

Thank you, Radar.

I knew I could count on you.

FRANK: Colonel Blake, I would like to go on record.

-We would. -That's right. She and me.

We. You have made a disastrous decision.

Well, what do you want? It's his first one.

He'll get better.

Henry.

-Uh, uh, sir? -Yo.

Uh, excuse me, but I think you volunteered me

a little quick there.

They're a pair of fools for going.

Grandstand play, that's what it is.

Mock heroics.

I've never seen anything "mocker."

Then again...

Can I be frank, Frank?

Margaret, I feel that if we absolutely have to,

we can be honest with each other.

Then I think you should consider going along.

It could mean a citation, maybe even a promotion.

But, uh, what about the danger?

I've got to be honest, I'm afraid of death.

Nobody's crazy about it, Frank.

But, sometimes, it's necessary.

Well, there is another consideration.

Uh, I'm a married man.

No kidding? I'd forgotten.

You haven't mentioned her for three or four hours.

Well, talking about my wife is really hitting me below the belt

at a time like this.

Frank, there isn't a man in this war who isn't afraid.

Including me.

But what you've got to do,

is harness that great mass of cowardly energy you have.

Margaret, you're so good for me.

You just have to talk, and it gets my gumption up.

You're just a big, grown-up boy, aren't you?

Take a gun along, Frank.

-What? -Just in case.

But they said not to. Not even sidearms.

Who said, Frank? The Chinese, Frank?

Are we taking orders from the Chinese now, Frank?

It was my mother's.

Dad gave it to her on their wedding night.

He must have loved her very much.

"To my little shot from her big shot.

"Your loving husband...

Lt. Colonel Alvin F. Houlihan, regular army."

Keep it hidden, Frank. Nobody has to know.

If I shouldn't come back...

Kiss me, Frank.

You'd better put the gun on safety.

Come on, George.

-How we doin', Trap? -We got a ton of stuff.

We could stay on the road for weeks.

Suits me. I don't wanna open on Broadway until we're ready.

Just stay on this route, Radar,

-and nothing will happen to you. -Yes, sir.

You're gonna be fine, Radar.

The Chinese are very fond of miniatures.

Cut it out, sir! I'm no scareder than you are!

TRAPPER: Then you're in a lot of trouble.

Corporal Klinger. Volunteering for corpsman duty, sir.

Really, Klinger?

-HAWKEYE: Terrific. -What the hell?

Maybe I can get out for bravery.

I'm sure not making it for "nuts-ery."

Come on. I'll show you the map.

Hypocrites at 3:00, over.

Colonel Blake.

Major Burns is here to volunteer

for this extremely dangerous and patriotic mission.

-Is that right, Frank? -You heard me.

Welcome aboard, Frank.

We knew you'd wanna be where the action is,

you big monkey.

If I don't come back, honey,

be sure that our son, Henry, gets a good education.

Oh... stop it.

As for me, I think Ralph Bellamy said it best, when he said,

"If I can't get the girl, at least get me more money."

Time's wasting, guys.

Good luck.

-I'm not going. -FATHER MULCAHEY: Hold it, boys!

-Just wanna wish you all the best. -Right on the ball.

Lord, bless this mission of mercy.

Protect these brave men,

and return them safely with their charges.

Amen.

Thanks, Father.

He's really very good, isn't he?

-Tops. -I feel guilty.

We tried to get Pat O'Brien.

Roll 'em!

♪ Oh Tokyo

♪ They got some saki and sashimi ♪

♪ And some clean sheets

♪ Oh kimono

♪ Kimono

♪ Kimono

♪ Tokyo's the town that I love the best ♪

♪ East maybe east and west maybe west ♪

♪ Forget about the Twain It'll drive you insane ♪

♪ And teach you things you never knew before ♪

Okay, keep your eyes open. We're getting close.

Okay, stop, stop.

I think our table is ready.

Radar, you and Klinger hang back.

Those are Russian burp guns.

They fire 30 rounds a second.

Thank you, Dr. Morale.

It's a good thing I brought a piece.

-Piece of what, Frank? -A gun, ya jerk.

I got it stuck in my belt.

Frank, if they find that gun on you,

they're gonna play Mahjongg with our teeth later.

Frank, are you out of what's left of your mind?

Now, if they start anything,

I'll take out the officer,

and you disarm the ones with the guns.

Bite your Mao Tse-tung.

Keep it out of sight.

I'd like to see my wife again.

I'd like to see anybody's wife again.

I'm Dr. Lin Tan. Army of the People's Republic.

I'm Dr. Pierce.

Uh, Dr. Burns.

Dr. McIntyre.

We're doctors, too. All three of us.

We three. Hi.

Here's a list of your wounded.

All require more medical attention than we can provide.

You speak very good English, doctor.

-University of Illinois. -No kidding?

Our commanding officer went to Illinois.

Well, there's no need for us to get friendly here.

Uh, Henry Blake.

Uh, about 6'3", narrow shoulders,

big hips, uh, sort of shaped like a pear.

We'd better do it.

If you have observed our conditions,

the procedure is as follows.

You will bring your vehicle across bridge slowly.

Frank!

Come on, let's have it.

Have what?

Give it to 'em, Frank,

before they give us a .32-caliber enema.

What's the matter with you guys?

You gonna side with me or the R-E-D?

Frank, the R-E-D speaks English better than Y-O-U do.

You have violated the agreed conditions.

Your wounded will remain with us.

-Doctor, hold it! -Wait a minute!

Look, you're doing something decent

in the middle of a giant indecency.

Don't endanger nine men just because some idiot

wants to do his General Custer impersonation.

Yeah, doctor. Don't blow it now.

Is it not enough that your planes harass us

day and night?

It makes it impossible for me to treat my own people.

We make a civilized gesture,

and you respond by coming here with a gun,

ready to shoot us down.

All right, Frank. Come on, give it up.

What the hell is that?

Comes in a box of Cracker Jacks.

It's also a whistle.

Radar, Klinger, come on!

TRAPPER: Okay.

HAWKEYE: Get up there and get something, will ya, Frank?

-FRANK: Yeah, okay. Okay, yeah. -MCINTYRE: Frank, come on.

FRANK: Yeah, all right.

♪ Oh Tokyo

♪ They got some sake and sashimi ♪

♪ And some clean sheets

♪ Oh kimono

Boy, I don't mind telling you now.

Boy, I was really scared on that bridge.

I hear if they take you prisoner,

they hit you in places that are better left un-hit.

Oh, you guys were really great with those casualties, though.

You know, I was thinking, I'd like to be a doctor

when I get back to the real world.

But I don't like being around sick people that much,

so I guess that would be a drawback.

I'm, uh, packing your pajamas.

Maybe I shouldn't even bother, huh?

You guys are really something. I don't know how you do it.

I mean, 16 hours of surgery. 36 hours before that.

Trip to the bridge and back, and now you're going to Tokyo.

Well...

if you ask me, you guys are like supermen.

You're all set.

Good night, supermen.