Original subtitles

Here you are, Radar.

Hey, mail call!

Oh! Oooh! Ohh!

Ah, come on, guys.

WOMAN: Radar! Come on, Radar!

-RADAR: Come on, guys. -Ruba!

Hey, hey, hey! A bonus.

My two girls, Hawk. Kathy and Becky.

"Dear Daddy, We hope you like these cookies.

"We made them ourselves. Nobody helped us."

I wish somebody had.

Wow. I can't believe it.

How they've changed.

They must be a head taller.

And where have I been?

You won a free trip to Korea.

All the slop you can eat

and this suite at the Waldorf Toilet.

From my sister and her ten dancing fingers.

For the man who has everything:

a sweater with a guest room.

Mail call, sir.

Ooh, good-oh.

Regimental Headquarters.

"For your eyes only. Top Secret."

Is it?

I didn't think so.

"On your next leave in Tokyo,

"remember Madame Wank's Casa de Massage.

Special prices on back-walking this month."

Back-walking, sir?

Yeah.

This girl takes her sandals off

and walks on your bare back.

Oh.

Hey, this is from my wife.

Yes, sir.

Oh, boy, I hope it's a cake.

Lorraine makes a sour cream and chocolate job

that you could take intravenously.

She stirs in the sour cream with the melted chocolate.

The topping is about two inches of frosting,

and that cake is as light as air.

With their bare feet?

She's kidding!

Check stubs, bank checks, canceled checks.

20,000 miles from home,

and she wants me to balance her checkbook.

Here's a vet bill. $236.

For treating a 15-year-old cat.

What'd she do, give it a facelift?

Wow.

Look at those beauties.

I guess I'm boring when I talk about my kids, huh?

No. As a matter of fact,

that's the only time you're not boring.

I knew you'd understand.

-Hi, Frank. -Hello, Frank.

That'll be the day.

Had a letter from the little woman, Frank?

More important than that. From my stockbrokers.

Henderson, Landers, and Flynn.

I bet they'd fit in my sweater.

"Dear Major... inform you... portfolio..."

He got a letter written in mumble.

Ha! Hot-diggity-dog!

They're sending him his Captain Midnight ring.

You're looking at a man who is $2,000 richer

than he was a month ago.

What happened, Frank?

Did you die and leave yourself a lot of money?

Unlike some people, I don't waste my time

drinking and chasing women.

We're thinking of chasing only drinking women.

Eliminates one process.

TRAPPER: Quiet, will you?

The man is trying to be dull.

Go ahead, Frank. Dull away.

All I want to say is that my stock portfolio

has just about doubled since the war started.

Which war, Frank? I've been in two.

I just can't get enough.

I'm talking about the Korean conflict, smarty!

If you had any brains, you'd know war

always increases stock prices.

He's right, you know.

Oh, yeah? Then what happened to my 10,000 shares of Gestapo?

Oh, I can't talk to you guys.

Promise?

You're so dedicated, so noble.

Wouldn't dirty your hands with money.

Are you cereal, Frank?

I come from a long line of money-grubbers.

My great-grandfather Tombstone Pierce

made his fortune selling whiskey and hors d'oeuvres

to the Indians.

Whiskey and hors d'oeuvres, Gracie?

He always said "What's a drink without a nosh?"

Aaw.

Well, Frank Burns is gonna look out after number one.

I'm not gonna be a surgeon forever.

Or for that matter, even ever.

Oh, go soak your head!

I wish somebody would tear him down

and put up a human being.

He's not worth the trouble.

No, no, I think he is.

As a matter of fact, I think he's ready

for a little humility therapy.

If you will notice, I take pen and ink in hand,

and soon, gentle reader, Frank will discover

a letter which may well change the course

of his mean little life.

How can you be sure he'll find it?

Quite simple. I'll hide it.

Who is it?

Major Burns. It's about that, uh,

exploratory we mentioned earlier.

Just a minute, Major Burns.

Come in, Major Burns.

Margaret, I want to talk to you.

Talk to me, Frank.

I got a letter from home today.

I got something in mail call today, too.

Oh, Margaret, your toe-straighteners came.

Frank, sometimes you can be such a stupe!

I sent away for these sheer hose

and these spike heels

just to make myself more attractive to you.

You didn't have to do that.

I'd find you attractive if you were naked.

Thanks a whole bunch, Frank.

What's your news?

My investments are beginning to pay off.

Before long, my ship will be coming into Easy Street.

Mrs. Frank Burns.

Where?

I was just trying it out for size.

Beg your pardon?

Well, you always said, Frank,

if ever you were rich enough,

you would think about getting a divorce.

Now, hold it. Just a minute, fella.

Nobody said I was rich. I said I was doing well.

What's the difference between rich and well, Frank?

Well... well is okay, but to be rich,

you've gotta be a lot weller than only well,

no matter how swell well is.

Frank... Frank, you're double-talking.

I can always tell. Your upper lip disappears.

Margaret, I swear to you, I'm not rich enough

to afford a wife and an ex-wife.

That's a pity, Frank.

You see, these shoes also come in clear plastic,

and you can see what each little toe is up to.

-Really, Margaret? -Really.

Just think, Frank, when the war is over,

you can go back to your wife and her sensible shoes.

I'll get rich, I promise you.

I will! The first chance I get.

Sir, Corporal Klinger wants to see you.

Oh, no, not Klinger. Not today.

Uh, I think you should see him, sir.

He's got a new dress.

Well, if he's fussed, okay.

Klinger!

Sir.

Klinger.

Klinger...

Is that it?

Yes, sir.

Uh, Klinger, the rifle makes me nervous.

Actually, the purse does, too.

Just sit down, take a load off your heels.

What's your problem,

which I may have tattooed on my forehead?

Got this in mail call today, sir.

What is it?

A letter from my mother.

"Dear Son..."

You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.

"I hate to bother you in the middle of a war,

but I have some terrible news."

Your father is very sick."

"If he knew I was writing to you,

"he'd be very angry.

Fortunately for us, he's in a coma."

-Klinger... -Sir, please.

"We know your colonel has a good heart,

"and surely he'll let you come home

"for your father's funeral,

"or his 65th birthday, whichever comes first.

"I will close this letter now, son of my heart,

"because my tears are making the paper soggy

"and hard to write on

Your loving, aggravated, brokenhearted mother."

Uh-huh. Here we go.

Father dying, right?

Yes, sir.

Father dying last year.

Mother dying last year.

Mother and father dying.

Mother, father, and older sister dying.

Mother dying and older sister pregnant.

Older sister dying and mother pregnant.

Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying.

Here's an oldie but a goody--

Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.

Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Yes, sir.

I don't deserve to be in the army.

HAWKEYE: Dear Dad,

Thank sis for the sweater she made me.

It's almost as nice as the socks she knitted,

one of which I use as a sleeping bag.

On to more important things.

Senator Maggerd's stock tip about Pioneer Aviation

sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime.

When Pioneer announces its new defense department contract,

a small investment could grow into millions.

Please sell all my assets

and buy all the Pioneer stock you can.

At $2.00 a share it's a steal,

especially, as Senator Maggerd says,

it's sure to go as high as--

-Corporal. -Sir?

I wanna make a stateside call.

It's a New York number, Canal 7-9000.

Uh, yes, sir.

I'll get on it first thing tomorrow morning.

Well, I don't want it first thing in the morning.

I want it first thing now!

Uh, well, I can't get-- reach them now, sir.

I'll be calling 'em yesterday.

That's ridiculous!

Oh, no, sir, they're 16 hours behind us.

Our today is their yesterday.

It's 5:00 in the afternoon!

Well, that's here, sir.

Back there it's 1:00 yesterday morning.

Everyone's gone to bed and said, uh,

"See you tomorrow,"

which, by the time their tomorrow comes,

will be our yesterday.

Isn't it 16 hours later there?

No, sir.

Well, what if it is?

When would it be now there if it was our today here?

You see, we don't have the same now, sir.

By the time their now becomes our now,

this'll be then.

Okay.

I think I got a bead on it.

In order for me to talk to them

at 9:00 in the morning, their time,

what time does it have to be our when?

Uh, 1:00 our tomorrow morning will get you

9:00 their today there, sir.

Then that's what we'll do.

Yes, sir, as soon as I get a circuit.

There's a two-day wait.

I can't wait two days!

That'll be... three days ago!

Right.

Um, can you send a cable?

Shoot, sir.

This is to Henderson, Landers, and Flynn.

Prescott Building.

Wall Street, New York.

Okay.

Sell immediately entire portfolio

at market regardless of cost.

Use proceeds, buy immediately all shares possible

of, uh, Pioneer Aviation.

-Pioneer Avia-- -Shh!

And sign it "Major Frank Burns".

Yes, sir.

And not a peep out of you about this, Radar.

Oh, yes, sir.

Here, um, this is for you.

Thank you, sir.

You got 50 cents change?

-No, sir. -I'll give it to you later.

Trapper, don't you think that's quite enough?

Just one more chorus, Father.

Is something troubling you, my son?

I'm not Catholic, Father.

Well, um, all in good time.

Which is more than we can say for your piano playing.

20,000 miles from home, not to have them around,

not to share their growing up...

Just wait, Father.

Wait till you have children.

Well, I...

I'm sure it'll all work out.

-Hawkeye? -Huh?

You got a second?

Yeah, for you, any time.

I need help with something that came in the mail call.

-Oh? -Yeah.

Uh, I wrote this letter to this girl,

and she wrote right back.

Sounds serious, Radar.

I saw this ad in the Captain MarvelAnnual for pen pals.

And I sent in a quarter, and they sent me

the name and address of someone to write back and forth to.

Oh? Who is this two-bit friend of yours?

MaryJo Carpenter from Port Salut, Montana.

Very nice, Radar.

A girl, right?

Oh, she's terrific.

Uh, listen.

"Dear Captain O'Reilly:

"Your first letter plus snapshot arrived this morning.

"I really got lucky. Six foot two, smooth black hair,

terrific looker, and a surgeon to boot."

"Boy, did I get my quarter's worth."

Six foot two?

Black hair?

I got it out of your files.

Radar, why?

Because I got brown hair and I'm 2'6".

What's gonna happen if you ever run into this--

this letter person?

I won't.

"Now that we've exchanged"--

Wait a minute. How are you gonna explain

the difference in your looks?

Uh...

Well, I'll tell her I got hurt in the war.

Or I stepped on a mine.

With your face?

Look, we're just pen pals.

Will you-- Will you listen?

Mm.

Ahem.

"Now that we've exchanged

"pictures and general info,

"I wish you would write me and let me know

"how you feel about things

"and life, et cetera, et cetera.

"I feel very strongly about feelings.

"As soon as I get your feelings,

"I will send you mine.

MaryJo Carpenter."

Then what's the problem?

Well, what are my feelings?

How should I know?

Well, wait. No. You gotta know.

I mean, she wants to know my feelings,

and they've gotta sound like the kind

that come out of the face I sent her the picture of.

Radar, you can't send her my feelings.

You have to send her yours.

But I don't know what my feelings are.

Nobody ever asked me my feelings before.

You've got 'em, Radar. Everybody does.

-I have? -Of course.

Can you give me a hint?

Are you in, sir?

No, no, Klinger. This is a film of me.

I died about a hundred dollars ago.

Sir, I'd like to talk to you about something.

You want to re-enlist, right?

Sir, I have to confess...

I'm a Communist.

An atheistic, Marxist, card-carrying, uh--

Bolshevik.

No, honest!

-You are not. -I am, too,

you imperialist dog!

Klinger... I've never hit a woman before.

Sir!

What do I have to do to get out?

That's your problem, Klinger.

I've got a desk full of my own.

Out!

Just think of it, Margaret!

It could be a fortune, maybe even a million!

A m...million!

Oh, Frank!

Say "a million" again, and then kiss me quick.

BOTH: M...Million!

Oh, Margaret, you'll have everything.

I'll cover you with furs, perfume, earrings!

I'll buy you French handmade bloomers!

-Oh, Frank! -I'm with you.

Let's write her right now!

-Who? -Your wife.

Oh, we can't write her now. We'd wake her up.

-What? -It's 16 hours earlier there.

If I write her today, I'll ruin her whole yesterday.

Frank, a millionaire can afford a wife and an ex-wife.

Don't you realize if there's a divorce,

she gets half of everything?

Frank, your lip is disappearing again.

Margaret, I've thought of everything.

You can have your own apartment,

and we'll make it close to my office,

you know, for lunchtimes.

Uh-huh.

And I'll pay the rent.

And let's say, um, $100 a month for an allowance.

I get $400 a month now as a major.

Margaret, I can't bid against the United States Army.

I mean, you'll have your own room and board,

and $25 a week clear.

If you invest that in a Christmas Club--

Get out, Frank.

Out?

You and your Pioneer Aviation!

Shh, no one's supposed to know!

Pioneer Aviation! Pioneer Aviation!

Pioneer Aviation!

"Dear MaryJo:

"Received your letter and read same.

"You asked me what my feelings are,

"and I believe what follows are those.

"Two things are number one with me.

"Being kind to everyone,

"regardless of race, creed or sex,

if you'll excuse that four-letter word."

"And also being honest. Speaking of which,

"I have to tell you,

I'm really not a captain, only a corporal."

"And I am not a doctor, although I was once a patient.

"Am enclosing a more recent picture of me,

"which will give you a better idea

of the color of my hair and real length."

"I'll watch for your feelings

"by return mail.

Your pen pal, Radar O'Reilly."

It any good?

I dub thee 6'2".

Uh, was it something I said?

I'm gonna grab a Jeep,

drive to Seoul, and catch the first plane home.

Right after they shoot you for desertion,

you'll get a ticket for drunk driving.

You got eight rolls of toilet paper in there now.

I don't wanna go home empty-handed.

I gotta see my daughters.

Do you know how long it's been since I made love to my wife?

At least one daughter ago.

Trap, leaving a war in the middle

is very upsetting to those who invited us.

Hey, listen.

I don't like a movie, I get up and leave.

I don't like the war. I'm going.

Oh, come on, Trap. You gotta stick around to see how it ends.

Oh, but it doesn't end. It's continuous.

When it finishes here, they take it on the road.

I can catch it anytime, anyplace.

Hey, let me buy you a drink.

You guys in blue...

you're doing a hell of a job.

Trap, you'll never make it home.

Lots of guys do.

I know one guy shipped himself home in a harp case.

That took a lot of pluck.

See you in the funny papers.

-Trap. -Hey, Hawk, out of the way.

I don't want to use violence.

Then I will.

Stop him, Frank!

Uh, hey, Frank,

your message service called.

Your brain won't be ready for a week.

Oh, buzz off.

I can buy and sell you.

Oh, you're so smart.

You got in on Pioneer Aviation.

I don't know anything about Pioneer Aviation!

I never saw that letter.

What letter, Frank?

The one I don't know anything about.

The one that was under the pillow?

That's the one.

Read this, Trap.

You gotta be kidding.

My eyes are in my duffel bag.

It's to his stockbroker.

"Buy immediately all shares possible

of Pioneer Aviation."

What's so funny?

There is no Pioneer Aviation!

I made it up!

-Why? -To help you look foolish!

I don't need your help.

MAN: Hot stuff! Gangway! Coming through.

You gotta get some more of those.

Get that in. I can't see.

How's your head?

Fine, if only this guy wouldn't bleed so loud.

-Clamp. -Clamp.

Kelly, we need some more sponges here.

Sponge.

Margaret, you must believe me.

I'm truly sorry.

Sponge, doctor.

Margaret, I'll do anything.

I'll get down on my knees.

I'll kiss your feet.

My tent, 8:00.