Original subtitles

Okay, watch the birdie.

Take a deep breath.

Hold it. Ginger.

All right, relax.

See anything, Doc?

Oh, we send these out to the drugstore

to be developed.

You stay with us. We do beautiful work.

-Feel okay? -Okay, Doc.

Uh, Private Mitchell's pictures, sir.

Oh, wow.

That guy looks like he swallowed a junkyard.

Yeah.

Ginger, prep that man for surgery.

It's a chest case.

And I'm too beat to do it alone.

Wake up Hawkeye.

While he's asleep?

That's the best time.

Hawkeye?

Hawk?

Hawkeye.

Sir?

Radar, who asked you to wake my feet?

Sir, your head's at the wrong end.

No, it's not. It's always been here.

I'm gonna count to 3, and by the time I get to 1,

I want you outta here.

McIntyre needs you in surgery.

I just came off 14 hours of surgery!

If I cut open one more body,

it'll be yours for waking me.

Out!

Cover my feet. The light's shining on my toenails.

It's a chest case, and they're prepping the patient.

If I'd have been a plastic surgeon,

I could be doing noses now at $1,000 a nostril.

Yes, sir.

As an eye man, all you do is turns out the lights.

You say "Read the top three lines,"

and you go to sleep while they're reading.

Yes, sir.

Even as a proctologist,

I'd have been seeing new faces all the time.

-Clamp. -Clamp.

Got a little bleeding here.

-Suction. -Suction.

This kid had a lot of artillery for lunch.

Hmm. Ready for the retractor?

Wait a minute.

Okay.

Rough one, huh?

Very unpretty.

How's it going, guys?

Fine. Pull up a chair, we'll deal you in.

You know what you got there?

Yeah, a young shrapnel collector.

That's General Mitchell's son.

Fifth Airborne.

TRAPPER: A general's son?

Hey, Hawk, we're finally playing the Palace.

Now I wish we'd washed our hands.

How's he doing?

He's got tracheal lacerations,

but the esophagus is okay.

-Right. -MARGARET: Colonel.

Major Burns is ready to assist.

What do you think I'm doing, stalling till my room is ready?

I think it only fitting that a captain

be assisted by a major

when working on the son of a general, Colonel.

I think you just conjugated the Pentagon.

-Lap sponge. -NURSE: Lap sponge.

Colonel, I outrank McIntyre.

It is well within my purview

to order him away from that table.

Frank, why don't we just take our gloves off

and step outside?

I'm not operating too loud for you people, am I?

All right, let's can the chatter.

Pierce, any way we can help?

How about deserting, alphabetically?

Suction.

Klinger, you've asked for my advice.

Now, I realize how badly you want out of the army.

Yes, sir.

But it's my considered opinion

that no one's going to believe that you're pregnant.

Well, I don't expect them to, sir.

I just want them to see I'm so crazy that I think

they would think I'm gonna have a baby.

Well, it's none of my business, Klinger,

but, uh, should someone in your condition

be smoking a cigar?

Right.

General Mitchell's helicopter's

just landing, sir.

General Mitchell?

Yes, sir, I sent a jeep for him.

Holy cow!

Uh, Radar, uh, kill the laundry.

Uh, Klinger, would you fix the bed?

Congratulations.

Can I do anything else, sir?

Uh, no. Yes, uh, get rid of those pillows.

I'm-I'm terminating your pregnancy.

Oh, not in front of the general.

I'll just wear my basic black.

Maybe pearls.

Get out!

Ten-hut!

Colonel Blake.

General.

Uh, dismissed, Corporal.

Yes, sir!

Corporal?

Oh, well, uh,

he's in the big show Saturday night.

I see.

I understand my boy couldn't have been

in better hands, Colonel.

Well, we did our best, General.

-He's doing well, is he? -Oh, very well.

Well, right now, he's sleeping like a baby.

-Hmm. -Like a general's baby.

Captain.

You, uh, do much fishing, do you?

Oh, I do a little fooling around.

I'd like to have seen the one that got away.

You know how it is.

Yeah. I used to.

Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.

Yes, sir!

Uh, would you, um...

Uh, yes, sir. I'll, um...

Uh, yes, sir. I'll, uh...

I'll get these to a poor family.

Oh, that'll be very nice.

Well, uh, I'd like to go over to the hospital

and, uh, visit the boy, if you don't mind.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Ah, here's a little token of my appreciation.

That's 12-year-old Scotch.

Well, that's very generous, General.

Goes down real smooth.

Well, at that age, it should know the way.

Vital signs?

Blood pressure 130 over 80.

Pulse 92.

Continue the IVs.

Yes, Doctor.

Frank, here comes the general.

How do I look?

Ah, straighten up.

Yes, Doctor, we're continuing the IVs as ordered.

Uh, General Mitchell,

Major Houlihan, Major Burns.

Doctor, I want to thank you for operating on my son.

Um, well, sir, I, um...

Well, the, uh, major didn't actually operate

in the sense that he operated.

Uh, his participation, more or less,

took the form of offering to assist the surgeon

who was assisting the surgeon who did the operation

without the further need of assistance.

Major Burns wanted to be free to supervise.

Supervision is your key in an important operation.

-Uh-huh. -Somebody has to be there to say, uh...

"How's everything going, men?"

It obviously went well.

Your son deserves a great deal of the credit, General.

Oh, that's the truth.

He came through it like a trooper.

Or, rather, a paratrooper, in this case.

Yes, we're all proud of him, the way he laid there.

I'm indebted to all of you.

I would like to meet the doctor who performed the operation.

Oh, that would be our Captain Pierce.

Best doctor in the whole darn shootin' match.

Well, men, name it.

Uh, name what, sir?

The general wants to reward our effort.

The captain's very fast at catching my drift.

I played left drift in high school.

I'd like to say thank you in some substantial way.

How about surrendering, so we can all go home?

At least call the war a draw.

Oh, General, I think your offer is more than enough.

No, no.

I agree. His offer is less than enough.

Yeah, don't be so modest with our greed, Henry.

How about... three days in Tokyo?

Do three nights go along with it?

In a suite at the Imperial Hotel.

And a "Please Disturb" sign on the door.

You got it!

You will wear trousers in Tokyo?

At least until we check in.

What?

Oh, wait, hold on. He just walked in.

-Telephone, sir. -Hi, there.

How are you today?

Who am I talking to?

Uh, Mr. Yagura. He runs the Imperial Hotel.

Yes, sir, what can I do for you?

When? Last night?

In the main dining room?

They sent a case of pipe cleaners to MacArthur's table.

Well, sir, I can guarantee you

the men will be severely reprimanded the minute--

What?

When?

4:00 in the morning?

Yes, sir, I'll grant you, that's a little out of line.

What, sir?

Rickshaw races in the lobby.

What is your name, sir?

Yagorhum...? Ya--

Everett, is it? Everett?

Everett, let me get back to you.

If you'll just tell me, ma'am,

how many of the girls are missing,

maybe I can help you.

Half the graduating class of your pearl diving school?

Sir?

Uh, sir, are you asleep?

What have they done, Radar?

The Fujikowa bath house in Tokyo.

Mm-hmm.

They report Captains Pierce and Mclntyre

were bobbing for customers.

Thank you, Radar.

Yes, sir.

Ah, home at last.

It's good to get away, but it's lousy to get back.

Dennis, uh, put the bags in our suite,

have the jeep washed,

and take the rest of the war off.

What is that?

An officers' club.

While you two were wallowing in the fleshpots of Tokyo,

I arranged for that with General Mitchell.

Terrific!

And you wanted to write him out of your will.

Ha ha! Hey, this is great.

Slot machines, jukebox.

It's done in early kickback.

There's a general who really knows

how to pay his doctor's bill.

Orders, sirs.

What do you think of that?

You leave the place three days,

it turns into an army camp.

What is that thick brown stuff?

It's either liquid steak

or chocolate pudding with gristle.

Ten-hut!

Radar, what the hell is this?

As senior NCO present,

request Captain's permission for men to resume eating, sir!

I believe this is the first case of teenage male menopause.

Come on, you guys, break it up.

Yeah, as you were.

You're not serious?

Well, the new-officers-only club is for officers only,

and et cetera, just like this.

Radar, it's us, your aunt and uncle.

Yeah, how can you frost us?

Think of all we've been through together.

We got you drunk your first time.

Taught you how to drive a jeep.

Both on the same night.

I remember that well, sir. Thank you, sir.

Radar, if you don't cut that out,

I'll pull your cap down over your shoulders.

We're gonna talk to Henry

as soon as he comes out of surgery.

We'll get the sign taken down.

There'll be no discriminating around here.

Absolutely. Trust us.

Gonna eat your fat?

We really reached him.

That was good work, Lieutenant. Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

How about if I pick you up about 8:00, your tent?

And then?

About 8:15, my tent. What do you say?

Doctor, you're naughty.

With any luck at all.

You know, I was thinking--

Hey, Henry, bone-picking time.

Ah-ha-ha. Back from Tokyo, are we?

-Apparently. -Did you have a good time?

-Oh, great. -Well, I would think so.

You did everything but swim in the emperor's moat.

Hey, Henry, what about the officers' club?

Yeah, it's a beauty, isn't it? It's pre-fab.

And you know somethin'?

Just two and a half hours

after that big chopper set down that first wall,

I was wearing a lampshade

and being sick over anybody that would listen.

But, Henry, the place is restricted.

That's not true.

Any officer, regardless of race, color, or creed,

can go in there and get bombed out of his skull.

Oh, come on, Henry. It's not fair.

Hey, hey, all the enlisted guys are very disgruntled.

Look, I can't be responsible for anybody's gruntlement.

General Mitchell, out of the kindness of his gratitude,

gave us this marvelous club,

which, by the by, can double as a church on Sunday.

Oh, great!

St. Patrick's Church and Grill.

Pierce, I'm serious.

We just throw a poncho over the jukebox,

and we can use it for a pulpit.

Terrific! We get three sermons for a quarter.

Henry, listen, that place is so un-us.

Well, I want to tell you somethin'.

The club is up, and the sign is up,

and so is the time you're spending on my back,

-so get off! -Hey, Henry, touch a nerve?

Henry, look, if we can get enough officers

to agree with us,

will you throw the club open for everybody?

Yeah, sure, if you can swing it, fine, okay?

Henry, you're one of the three great people

-in this conversation. -Thank you.

Hey, on the level, guys.

Did you really send pipe cleaners to General MacArthur?

No, it was a lady correspondent.

Her corncob fooled us.

Hey, I was--

Here you are, Major. One Shirley Temple.

I've been looking forward to this all day.

That's very good, um...

Kwang Duk, sir.

That's a cute name.

We're a cute people.

Hi, soldier. All alone?

What'll you have, my dear?

A Scotch old-fashioned, without the fruit, please.

One Scotch old-fashioned, hold the garbage.

We'll be at our table.

-Major. -Thank you, Major.

Pretzels? Peanuts?

Frank, you're a different person when we go out.

Uh, thank you, Kwang. Put that on my tab.

And add five percent for yourself.

Thank you, sir.

To the best night nurse I've ever known.

You devil.

Hi, gang. Spanky got a flat,

or we would have been here sooner.

Ahem.

Oh, do join us.

-Innkeeper? -Yes, sir?

Two very dry martinis, and, uh, Margaret,

what is that? An old-fashioned?

Without fruit, yes.

HAWKEYE: Frank?

He knows what I'm drinking.

Another Shirley Temple.

With a Jane Withers chaser.

Easy, Frank. You're operating later.

Listen, you two bozos,

the major and I were having a quiet drink together,

and I'd appreciate it if you'd both am-scray.

Margaret, let me dance my way into your heart.

Now, just a minute!

Be patient, Frank. I'll get to you next.

Where does he get off--

Frank, I want you to sign this petition

to let enlisted men into the club.

Are you goofy?

Must we dance so close?

I do. It's a muscular problem.

If I don't rub thighs with someone every four hours,

I get the bends.

Keep your distance.

Margaret?

Yes?

We've got a petition

to let the enlisted men in the club.

Forget it.

Sign it, Margaret.

I'm warning you, my legs are loaded.

What's he doing?

Nothing to worry about, Frank.

You can still see some light between them.

Come on, sign the petition.

Fat chance, bub!

Margaret, if you don't sign, I'll give you a dip

that your coccyx will never forget.

Excuse me.

Big shot.

I'll finish this dance.

Well, I guess the best man won, you big lug.

Any luck?

Frank wouldn't sign his own stay of execution.

How'd you do with her?

Fantastic, but she wouldn't sign.

I don't suppose you'd like to finish this dance?

Not really.

Let's get back to the ship.

TRAPPER: How you doing, tiger?

Oh, a whole lot better, Doc.

As someone who's seen your inside,

I can tell you, your outside looks great.

-Klinger? -Yes, sir!

Discontinue the IVs and start him on a full liquid diet.

Yes, sir! Will do, sir!

MAN : Attention, all officers.

General Maynard Mitchell will officially open

the officers' club at 2100 hours today.

For the enlisted personnel,

there will be a special screening in the mess tent

of an animated VD cartoon "Hansel and Regretel."

2100 hours, huh?

Maybe we can work something out.

Could be.

Okay, you got your orders.

Yes, sir! Right away, sir! Yes, sir.

Cut that out or I'll snap your garter belt.

Yo!

May I serve you, sir?

You betcha.

I've been dying for a banana daiquiri.

Is that a drink, sir?

Oh, yeah.

You just take some, uh, bananas and some rum

and some cream and some crushed ice,

and you just put it in a blender.

We've got no bananas, no rum,

and no blender, sir, and only powdered cream.

-Okay, gimme a beer. -Yes, sir.

Major, Major, Colonel, Captain.

Captain, Colonel, Major, Major.

Well, I, for one, am impressed.

Dress uniforms. And you even shaved.

Well, if you could, it was the least we could do.

Uh, Kwang?

Uh, two martinis, please. Painfully dry.

Yes, sir.

Ten-hut!

As you were, people.

-General Mitchell. -Colonel.

It's both an honor and a privilege

and a pleasure to welcome you

to that which only through your magnanimous generosity

are we able to be standing in the middle of it.

Well, it's the least I could do, Colonel.

General, I believe you remember me.

Oh, yes, of course.

I'm the, uh, backup surgeon who supervised

the possible assistance, if not the actual operation,

-on your son. -Ah, good to see you.

Major Houlihan, in charge of nursing.

Yes, I can believe that.

And I'm Captain Pierce, the African explorer.

I understand my boy's doing very well, Captain.

Well, I've been giving him around-the-clock attention, sir.

But he's getting better anyway.

I'd like to get over to the hospital and see him.

-HENRY: General? -Yeah.

Uh, would you like to have a little drink first

to sort of, uh, baptize the bar?

Yes, we were counting on you

to throw out the first drunk.

Well, uh... yes, of course.

Uh, let me have a rye.

A rye and what, sir?

Rye, and don't stop bringing it.

-Yes, sir.

-Uh, sir, sir? -Yes.

Uh...

-Gary! -Hi, Dad.

I'd salute, but I might fall on my face.

Hey, you walked up here on your own, huh?

Yeah, well, with a little help.

Pretty good, huh?

Come on in. I'll buy you a drink.

Uh, General, I'm sorry, sir.

Uh, perhaps you don't realize it,

but your wife gave birth to an enlisted man,

and it is officers only.

Pierce, I'd like to talk to you for a minute

about your possible execution.

I wonder if I could say something useful.

I've often wondered that myself, Frank.

General Mitchell gave us this club,

and I think, fair man that he is,

he's entitled to hold it over our heads.

Hear, hear.

No, no! Pierce has a point.

The custom is officers only.

Well, perhaps we should stretch that point, General,

make an exception for relatives.

What do you say, Blake? It's your outfit.

Oh, well, uh, my mind is wide open, sir,

to whatever you think.

Come on.

Ah-ah, now, remember, no booze.

You're still convalescing.

Uh, now that we've established the policy,

uh, there are a few relatives of my own

I'd like to bring in.

Corporal O'Reilly, who's been like a son to me.

Corporal Klinger, who's been like a daughter.

And here's the rest of my little family.

Cousin Fred. My brother-in-law Leroy.

My cousin Phil.

My second cousin on my mother's side Ed.

Bill, my mother's cousin's brother.

Sam, my cousin's brother's mother.

I don't care if he is a general.

That's too close.

Right.

Why don't you have some more of your Shirley Temple, Frank?

Right.

I'm gonna punch him in the nose.

Oh, go get him, Frank.

Right.

First I think I'll have a little faint.