Original subtitles

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Because of the epidemic, tonight's broken film,

which has not arrived yet,

is canceled.

A reminder from Colonel Blake--

due to the flu, kindly refrain from kissing anyone

unless absolutely necessary.

Come on, Trap.

See if you can bite the spoon.

If you eat it all, you can see the picture

at the bottom of the bowl.

The three little pigs in escrow.

Why do doctors always make such lousy patients?

If you were a patient, would you trust you?

Come on, now. One for General MacArthur?

NURSE: He hasn't had a thing.

Pierce comma Hawkeye.

Lieutenant Anderson, Sheila.

-You look new. -Only one owner.

Ah, a sense of humor.

Hey, my nose has no teeth.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Lieutenant Anderson, this is Captain McIntyre,

a doctor with the 24-hour flu,

which is now in its third day.

Hi.

I wish we'd met when I was alive.

Come on now, one for Ward Bond?

Attention, all OR personnel. Attention.

-They're playing our announcement. -Incoming casualties.

See if you can get him to eat something.

-Otherwise, start him on IV. -Right.

If he makes a grab at you,

let him. He needs the exercise.

You'll be playing the violin again in no time.

HAWKEYE: You know something? There's a good chance

I may not catch that old devil flu.

Oh? You have your own private immunity, Doctor?

You're invulnerable to viral infections?

I breathe through my ears.

Pipe down, will you, Pierce?

It's like living in a wind tunnel,

but it fools the germs hanging around my nose.

You okay, Jacobs?

I'll be all right, Doctor.

Oh, that's good.

Because I'm deathly ill.

HAWKEYE: What's the matter, Henry?

Stop doing Jolson and get to bed.

I'm fine, fine. I'll be just fine.

Jacobs, put him to bed,

and take the next one for yourself.

-I'm fine. I'm just fine. -Yes, Doctor.

Put a screen in between your beds.

He's most dangerous when he's on his back.

Don't thank me until you get my bill.

The big, dumb, strong ones always go first.

-Suction. -Suction.

Okay, we're ready to close.

4-0 silk. And mop my forehead.

Doctor, I just did.

Don't argue with me. Just do what I--

The lights are--

Doctor!

Stay where you are. Don't leave the table.

Father, give him a stool.

Margaret, you think you can land the plane by yourself?

-I think so. -All right, help Sheila.

-Gloves. -Nothing clever.

Just close and call me when you're finished

so I can check your embroidery.

Right.

Father, belly up to the instrument tray.

Give him some gloves here. Left one first.

4-0 silk on Keith's needle.

SHEILA: 4-0 silk.

Deaver retractor.

Uh, what?

Deaver retractor.

The curly thing with the curl.

Oh, oh... the Deaver retractor.

They do give them complicated names.

That's the cross we bear, Father.

How's Frank?

He's unconscious.

Saving lives at last.

Suction, Father.

Oh. Coming right up.

Father, as long as we're working together,

is it all right if I call you Dad?

HAWKEYE: Look, General, I realize

that flu is epidemic in the whole theatre,

but I'm all alone here.

I'm a humble captain.

Yeah, I-- Yes, I know.

I know I'm a capable young surgeon.

Let me add, I have good prospects

and I'm a-- I'm a great catch.

But I'm not looking for a husband.

I need help here.

I-- Just send me some hands.

Anybody-- Jack the Ripper.

Anybody who's good with a knife.

But--

General, I-I understand the problem.

When am I gonna get somebody here?

Days?

Thank you, General. You've been a big help.

Everything I said to him went in one star

and out the other.

Uh, anything I can do to help...

That's a nice offer, Radar,

but unless you can graduate medical school

in the next two hours, forget it.

I suppose you realize you're ranking surgeon now.

It's hard to believe

I'm sitting in Henry Blake's chair.

This is the chair from which a thousand indecisions

have been launched.

Yes, sir.

Tell you what we're gonna do, Radar.

Uh, check the personnel directory,

call Seoul, Tokyo, Okinawa, and Pusan.

See if we can get another surgeon to come in here and help you.

You put the words right into my mouth.

Yes, sir.

Don't get fresh.

HAWKEYE: Come in.

Margaret.

I've done this often, but I never dare dream it.

Mind your tongue.

Frank's flat on his back.

I think we should follow his example.

Frank wants his Bible. Where is it?

It's over there under his catalog from the Japanese sex shop.

He doesn't have one of those.

He's even making a shopping list.

You'll find the page creased under the inflatables section.

Patch kits included.

Oh, will you be serious for just one minute, please?

I am, Margaret.

You know, there's a frontier feeling around here.

Joel McCrea is in bed.

So is Ralph Bellamy and Colonel Andy Devine.

Now there's just you and me--

Frances Dee and Slim Summerville.

Why do you talk like that?

I can't help it. I'm part of the movie generation.

I spent every Saturday morning and afternoon in the dark.

I'm really not interested.

I could easily have been a mushroom instead of a doctor.

I'll tell you what you're not. You're not commanding officer.

Oh, yeah?

As a major, I'm next in command.

Okay, you take charge.

You've just been waiting for a chance to take over, haven't you?

Look, I want a command

about as much as I want a scholarship to Devil's Island.

Let's have a clear understanding.

You won't take yes for an answer, will you?

I'll get to the real thrust of what I'm saying.

You're the sorest winner I ever met.

You've emasculated me for the last time.

I'm in charge now.

Okay, Madame President.

You take care of the surgical matters,

and I'll handle administration.

We'll be so busy,

we'll never see each other, darling.

After you, sir.

I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here tonight.

Years ago, each of you did something terrible to me.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. You're in charge. You take over.

Oh, now don't be foolish.

I wouldn't presume to tell you anything about surgery.

All right, let's get organized.

Father, you'll be working with Sheila.

This is a promising young surgeon who prays a lot.

Got a great touch, especially on Sunday.

All right.

Okay, uh, scalpel.

Scalpel.

Kelly clamp.

Kelly.

Okay, promising young surgeon, give me your hand.

All right, hold that down, right there. You got it?

Yes, I'm holding it.

All right. Don't let go of it.

All right. There are no fragments.

Irrigate the wound

-and pack it over. -Yes, Doctor.

Margaret? Over here. Kelly, gloves.

All right, you're really in charge here, Commander.

You'll work with Wilson.

You're so scared,

I'd like to put my sterile arms around you.

I'm okay.

Okay. Scalpel.

Scalpel.

All right, I'll open up the paradidymal

and see what we've got, or rather what he's got.

I'm ready.

That's what I tried to tell you when we were alone.

Okay, uh, Charlie, I'm in the M's now.

Uh, what about this guy? Martin, Robert H.

He's listed as a chest cutter.

He's a pediatrician?

Uh, Charlie, we get very few pregnant soldiers.

Pierce?

Coming, Mother.

Nice job. That was good help.

-Thank you. -All right.

-Sponge. -Clamp.

What's happening?

I-I'm not sure.

That's perfect.

I've never done this before.

Bet you can't remember the first time you said that.

Just put a clamp on that other bleeder there.

Hawkeye, could I trouble you?

Coming, Father.

MARGARET: Okay, sponge.

Uh, hi, Harry? Uh, right.

Radar O'Reilly, over at 4077th?

Yeah, listen, uh, ha-- is your outfit got

a Dr. Anthony McDonald, general surgeon?

Huh?

He changed to psychiatry?

That's crazy.

HAWKEYE: Yeah, all right. Got it.

Clean this up here.

Is that really his gall bladder I'm holding?

It ain't his money belt, partner.

-Hold it. -All right.

Ready to close now, Doctor.

I'll be right there.

In the meantime, look for your wristwatch.

Surgeon's joke.

I don't feel well. Would you be good enough

to take this gall bladder off my hands?

Okay, Richardson retractor.

-Richardson. -MARGARET: Pierce!

Just a second. Hold that back, would you, Sheila?

-Metzenbaum scissors. -Metz.

Hawkeye.

Yeah? Wh-what? Any luck?

No, I struck out.

I called Okinawa, Seoul, Tokyo.

Everybody's got the flu, or they won't come,

or whatever.

They may have to close the war. Clamp.

-SHEILA: I'm out of clamps. -Well, get some quick.

Not you, Sheila. Get back here. Hold that.

Father, will you get us some clamps?

We've gotta close him now.

Somebody get us a clamp. I'll be right there!

-Wait a minute.

Will you wait a minute? I'm trying to--

-Hawkeye, I can't-- -What do you want us to do?

My kingdom for an intelligent octopus!

Hi, dear. Having a tough day at the office?

Just filling out the daily report.

Add these-- pints of blood used,

pints of blood needed, progress of cases reports,

and on page 6 you'll find my resignation.

If you skip every other word,

you'll see it's also a suicide note.

Don't be facetious.

All right, then I'll go home as a deserter, in chains.

-Anything. -That will do, Captain.

I don't care. I'm gettin' outta here

one way or the other,

and I'm takin' you with me, Margaret.

We'll send for Frank later.

-You want a little-- -No.

Have you examined the flu patients?

-Frank's temp is up. -Henry's is down.

Trapper seems to be hovering between Sheila and Shirley.

He'll be able to play Saturday in the big game

with Abnormal State.

I'm gonna sack out.

You want anything from me before I go?

I'm yours.

Well, I have something a bit more constructive.

A new serum came in on the last chopper.

They think it might prevent the flu.

It's experimental.

Classic army thinking,

locking the barn after the horse has the flu.

It may help.

We ought to immunize each other.

Margaret, another dream come true.

I think we ought to give each other injections.

I'm no good with a needle. I never have been.

I can take it.

Where do you want it?

In my arm.

Party pooper.

Aah!

I told you I was lousy.

Maybe we are in a movie.

You're Bette Davis, and I'm George Brent.

You do me.

-Roll up your sleeve. -Uh-uh.

What do you mean, uh-uh?

I want mine in my tushie.

Your what?

Derrière, the back of my front.

The fleshy part.

I can't take pain. I can only give it.

All right.

Lower your trousers.

I thought you'd never ask.

Only as far as you have to.

Oh, you're just loving this, aren't you?

Aren't you?

Let me get at your hip.

Any time, darling.

Sir...

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Aah!

Margaret, that was fantastic.

Fine.

I hope you realize this means we're engaged.

Well.

-Henry. -Oh, Colonel.

Well, Mr and Mrs 4077th at home in my office.

-Should you be up? -I'm just fine. I'm perfect.

You look like an ad for death.

Hey, you know what kind of a bird

moves into another bird's nest

while the colonel bird is sick?

Somebody had to take command.

So you did it together.

Well, that's double indemnity,

that's what that is.

I seen it in a movie.

You're burning up. Get back to bed.

Oh, no, no, no. So you two can just sit around my desk

and smoke my cigars?

She couldn't help it, Henry. She was drunk.

-Oh, stop. -Well, forget it.

Just-Just-Just get out of there, Mrs. Judas.

I'm taking over.

Yes, sir, I am back on the bridge.

I'm in command around here again.

He went down with his desk.

Package for you, lady. Where do you want it?

Right there, Doctor.

-Pierce, I'm fine. Just fine. -Okay.

-No, I'm fine! -All right, Henry, you just go to sleep,

and we'll leave a call for February.

Same treatment he was getting

before he went over the wall.

-Right. -Look at me, sick in Korea.

Boy, if I was back home in Bloomington, Illinois,

my wife would be taking care of me,

be leaning over my bed with her hair in curlers,

cold cream on her face,

and those chipped fingernails.

The kids playing ball up against the side of the house.

My dog at the foot of my bed, having an accident.

Boy, am I glad I'm here.

What are you doing?

Unless I got amnesia,

this is how you dress, right?

You strong enough to get back in the game?

I think I'm gettin' better.

There's two of you there. There used to be three.

Very good. You can do double hernias.

Fever gone?

Mother used to kiss my forehead to find out.

We tried to reach your mother.

She doesn't make house calls.

You gotten any replacements?

We've been offered a veterinarian and a gynecologist.

Great.

They'll be very helpful if we get a horse

that's going through menopause.

Been rough, huh?

I've had more fun at autopsies.

Well, help is here.

Uh, Dr. Pierce, could you look at bed 5?

If you'll look with me.

No, no, now, Frank, I don't think you should.

Well, McIntyre's getting up.

You're sicker than he is. Everybody knows that.

My nose feels like it weighs five pounds.

Ohh...

Frank, I'm in command now.

I can get a lot of things changed,

the way we want them.

That's terrific, Louise.

Louise?

That's your wife.

Where? Where?

Frank.

We're in Korea.

Oh, oh, good.

She'll never find us.

Yes, Frank, yes. Lie still.

I'm all right.

But we're gonna have to get outta here.

Why?

There's too many people in this motel.

What's up?

It isn't Trapper.

I'm with you, Hawk. I can make it.

Fine, all we have to do is move the floor

into the operating room.

Let me alone. I can stand.

Sure, if we screw you to the flagpole.

Look, Trap, you want to help me, don't help me.

The only way to get better is you let--

let yourself be sick.

I think I can manage that.

Hawkeye,

chopper's on the way, loaded with casualties.

15 minutes at the most.

All right, Father, get your tap shoes.

Sheila, Margaret. Let's go. Come on.

I have to go now, Frank, but I'll be back.

Goodbye, Nancy.

Nancy?

You're the best receptionist I ever had.

Frank!

Honestly, Louise, we had to work late.

Double requisition everything.

-Right, all right. -We need whole blood.

Tap the kitchen staff and the Korean personnel.

I want a pint from everybody.

I gave this morning. Can I give again?

It's too soon.

Anyway, your blood is near-sighted.

Is that possible?

Keep checking for doctors.

Nobody'll listen.

Tell them you're acting under the direct orders

of General Clayton.

Just one moment, Captain.

-Radar, go. -Stay.

-I said go. -And I said stay!

She outranks you.

She's got more things on her uniform.

She's got more things in her uniform, but go.

Sorry, sir.

I thought we understood that I am administration.

Let me tell you something, administration.

You know that little shot you gave me for the flu?

-Yes? -Well, it worked. I've got it.

Are you sure?

I've got enough nausea

to light up the city of Toledo, okay?

First I'm hot, then I'm cold,

and my knees are in business with themselves.

My tongue has gone cashmere, and I'd like to find

an all-night latrine that takes servicemen.

Now, have I got the flu, or am I just in love?

Do you think you can operate?

I've got to. What am I gonna tell the casualties,

to stop bleeding until I-I feel better?

I want to see if you've got fever.

Believe me, I've got fever to burn.

I'm worried about you, Doctor.

You really are, aren't you?

You know all those rotten things I've said to you

and all those nasty little tricks I've played on you?

Yes.

I'd like to get well and do them all over again.

All right, pickups.

Pickups.

How do you feel?

I have this terrific thirst for embalming fluid.

Are you gonna make it?

That's up to you, Margaret.

You're incredible.

As sick as you are, digging into someone's gut,

you still can proposition a nurse.

I've endowed a dirty old man to make a pass at you

two years after I'm dead. It's in my will.

-Okay. You close the skin. -Right.

Sorry.

How's it goin', folks?

Bleeding's under control.

You look awful, Doctor.

I feel awful. It's a set.

Saline solution for, uh, irrigation.

Get a-- Get a retractor first.

Father, pull that back, will you?

All right, get the saline.

Pull it back more. I can't see in there.

Can you get back more?

-Get some suction. -Suction.

-All right, that's enough. -Hawkeye?

Get it back a little bit more.

-Hawk? -All right, all right.

It's okay, Hawk, I got 28 pints of blood.

You're a good man, Tiny Tim.

-Scalpel. -Scalpel.

-You okay? -Scrub up.

-Huh? -We need help around here.

Kelly, get him ready. Clamp.

Wait a minute. I can't operate.

You're not gonna operate. You're gonna help.

How's my fainting going to help?

Scrub up!

All right, we're just about finished, Father.

-Is he all right? -Better than I am.

Can you close, or do you want me to get you started?

-I can do it. -Hawkeye, was I all right?

All right? I'm putting you in

for the Distinguished Cross cross.

You're makin' a terrible mistake.

HAWKEYE: If we did nothing else,

we got you to wash your hands.

Yes, sir.

Right this way, Doctor.

-How you doin'? -Okay.

I finished debriding the wound.

Hey, you know, you're better than Frank.

But then, so is the patient.

Radar, you'll be assisting Margaret Houlihan--

nurse, friend, and all-around good egg.

He's very sick.

Okay, gang.

Ours is not to question why.

-Mayo scissors. -NURSE: Mayo.

Let me have a clamp.

-A what? -A clamp.

-Which one is a clamp? -There.

-Metzenbaum scissors. -Metz.

Okay, let me have a scalpel now.

-Which one? -Attention, all personnel.

The sharp one. Be very careful.

Here is the latest news from Armed Forces Radio.

Stockholm--

-Dr. Ralph Bunche-- -Kelly.

...has just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Moscow--

Joseph Stalin announced

he has been unanimously re-elected ruler of Russia.

Paris-- The French army today predicted

it would bring a swift end to the Vietnamese war.

Detroit-- The automobile industry

reached its production target

of six and a half million cars.

Korea--

ammunition and matériel shortages

continue to hinder the Allied war effort.

Uh, Pierce, in recognition of your outstanding service

and dedication, and as a token of our admiration,

um, this scroll has been signed

by every member of the 4077th.

That really hits me where I live. Thanks.

Nice going, buddy.

I'll never be able to look at this

without thinking of you, Frank.

You were superb.

Thanks, Chief.

RADAR: All right, people, let's break it up.

I ordered bed rest for this patient.