Original subtitles

Ooh, what a card.

Right in the old labonza.

Labonza.

Ahem. Go ahead, cuddles.

-Take a card. -Don't rush me.

That's against the rules.

Frank, you slapped my wrist.

HAWKEYE: Dear Dad, the war goes on.

And on and on.

Our biggest enemy is boredom.

We don't know what to do with ourselves.

I've taken to writing obscene prescriptions

and throwing them into the nurses' tent.

You know it's boring around here

when Trapper and Frank Burns do anything together.

Gin. Ahem.

You cheated!

Of course I did. How else could I win?

Just don't talk to me for the rest of the war!

How about the next war?

That'll be okey-doke with me, fella.

Fine, we don't talk for this war

and World War III.

Moron.

Even though we don't get along personally,

we do manage to have a professional animosity.

The O.R. continues to be a very funny place

if you can learn to laugh as you throw up.

It's like smorgasbord in the slaughterhouse.

Everything looks so bad.

Let's do the sigmoid colon

before we go into the bladder.

-Okay? -Okay.

Now, in India's sunny clime,

Where I used to spend my time

a-servin' of Her Majesty the Queen,

Of all that black-faced crew,

the finest man I knew

was our regimental bhisti Gunga Din.

Tho' I've belted you an' flayed you

by the livin' God that made you,

You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din.

-Metzenbaum scissors. -Metz.

Are we going to have poetry in surgery now?

There was a young lady from Kent

who took off her--

Steady, Henry.

How you doin'?

Okay, Doc.

Okay, that about does it.

But we need another unit of plasma.

For me?

Yeah, we got a special this week.

You take a pint of blood and then we give you

six free highball glasses that break easily.

Gimme a bottle of your best stuff, Ginger.

Yes, Doctor.

Hey, make sure I get the right color blood,

-eh, Doc? -Huh?

I wouldn't want any of that darkie stuff, you know.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Colonel?

Yeah, just a minute.

Collins. Yeah.

Sir, you'd better look at this.

Where is this guy?

He's in the scrub room.

Radar, you can't let anybody in here

with a grenade in his pants.

He's not wearing pants, sir.

Holy cow.

Collins, take over. Jones, you assist him.

Houlihan, we'll need your help.

I want a spinal tray, a major pack,

and some bone instruments.

You'll need some more light in there.

-Outta here, Radar. -Give me that spot.

Pierce, look at this.

The kid's in the pre-op. Let's go.

Occasionally, Dad, we get a kid comes in

with an unexploded grenade

that's been shot into his body--

something they neglected to tell us about

in med school.

The procedure is simple.

You operate on a human time bomb

while your life flashes in front of you

and you promise God anything He wants

if He'll keep your patient

from blowing up in your face.

There must be an easier way for a surgeon

to make $413.50 a month.

All right, Pierce, there's...

Get another glove, honey.

Gimme some towels.

-Towels, towels. -Right, what'd I miss?

Atta girl. All right, now you get outta here.

-All your nurses. -Everybody clear outta here.

-Let's go. -Forget the sandbags. Just get outta here.

I think that's long enough.

Well, we'll soon see.

Scalpel.

All right, take it easy.

Gimme some scissors.

I think that's long enough.

Well, don't shake him.

Sponge.

-Excuse me. -Sponge.

Boy, this is one hot potato.

This kid can't be 18.

Let's see if we can get him to 19.

Sponge.

There it is.

Who's gonna lift it out?

How about the late me?

Gimme some retraction.

-Got it? -Yeah.

Then steady.

Easy, easy.

Okay, get it outta here.

I'm glad to report that the patient

and the doctors survived.

There followed another operation

which we natives here call The Happy Hour.

It's a chance to meet your neighbor.

It's a chance to do a little better

than meet your neighbor.

This is nice.

Mmm...

I bet we could dance great together, too.

It really doesn't hurt?

I've done a hundred hernias.

You think I should have it done, huh?

Absolutely.

Take off your dress and say Ah.

-Radar. -Hmm?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Everybody says you're a virgin.

Is that true?

I really don't know.

This guy's a one-star general.

Thirty years a doctor.

Patient's in pain.

Guess what his orders were.

"Give him a coffee enema."

Oh. My word.

Then I had to open my big mouth and say

"With cream and sugar?"

You're kiddin'.

He was afraid he'd get the wrong-colored blood?

Damned fool.

I was on a plane for Korea in twelve hours.

I mean, I shoulda done it.

The-The-The coffee was already brewed.

I mean, what would it have cost me, huh?

Well, the enema's loss was our gain, Colonel.

Why don't we pay Condon--

that's his name--

a little nocturnal visit?

Nothing violent.

Just a bit of reverse prejudice.

Capital idea.

A hernia?

No, it doesn't hurt at all.

Honest?

Snip, snip, it's over.

Ooh.

I understand you're in need of a medical man here.

I see you couldn't find one.

Where's Condon?

Number 9 with the bedpan marked "For whites only."

Got the magic mixture?

Yes, master.

Right this way, Igor, I will show you.

Ah, terrific.

Still sedated?

Just enough.

Cotton.

Cotton.

Somebody's gotta pick the cotton.

What'd you use?

Tincture of iodine.

It should last a couple of days.

Perfecto.

Mind if I dab along?

You do his hands.

Coming to you from the mess tent now.

Not a bad place to eat if you like cold dishes

like steak, lamb chops, stew, soup, coffee.

Makes you long for home.

But then almost everything does.

Which brings me to Colonel Henry Blake.

He's a lovely man, our Henery,

but if this weren't a war,

he'd surely be arrested for impersonating an officer.

How are we coming, Radar?

Almost, sir.

You sure you know how to work that gizmo?

Oh, yes, sir, you just feed the leader through,

catch it on the sprockets,

and hook it on the ol' take-up reel.

Glad you know how.

I was never very good with my hands.

I guess that's why you became a surgeon, huh, sir?

That's very funny, Radar.

Thank you, sir.

Given up your plans to become a sergeant?

No, sir.

Hi, Henry.

-Hi. -Here you go.

What's this? What's happening?

Dirty movies in the middle of the day?

Just sit down and none of your sass.

Whatever you say, Henry. It's your theatre.

What are you showing?

Oh, the wife sent some film.

One of my kids' birthday parties.

Hey, that's great.

Help yourself to a drink.

-Thank you. -Yeah, we will.

Any time, Radar.

Uh, yes, sir.

Keep your hands to yourself, Trapper.

HENRY: That's Molly at the head of the table.

HAWKEYE: She's adorable, Henry.

TRAPPER: Real beauty, Henry.

RADAR: Yeah, she's really pretty, sir.

Just like her mother, bright as a penny.

Didn't she get anything from you, Henry?

I'm her boyfriend.

-Great.

-HENRY: Steady, steady. -TRAPPER: Hey, hey.

Steady. That's the Missus.

TRAPPER: Hey, she's all right, Henry.

All right?

She was Succotash Queen at Illinois Normal.

How did you bag her, Henry?

Yeah, what'd you do? Slip her something in her succotash?

No, I met her at a freshman mixer.

Uh, she was with Buzz Wilensky,

captain of the football team.

Big, handsome son-of-a-gun, Buzz.

Uh, she took one look in my direction.

HAWKEYE: And?

And I begged her to go out with me.

Proposed to her on the first date,

right there on the ice.

TRAPPER: You really beat old Buzz' time, huh?

Yeah, he went on to become

the biggest cement contractor in the Midwest.

HAWKEYE: Saved her from a life of prosperity, right, Henry?

Henry, if you don't give the command to cry, I will.

Wow.

-Turn it off, Radar. -Yes, sir.

TRAPPER: Hey, wait a minute. Hold it, Henry.

HAWKEYE: Oh, now the dirty movie.

Oh, for Pete's sake,

why did Lorraine tack that on?

Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, terrific, Henry.

TRAPPER: He actually hit the ground first time.

HENRY: Got my shoes wet, too.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha! Look at this!

HENRY: Oh, that's embarrassing.

TRAPPER: Great-lookin' legs, though, Henry.

HAWKEYE: You've been over here too long.

HENRY: Uh, that's Molly.

She must have been about 3.

That's, uh, Milt Jaffe, the gynecologist next door.

Oh, that's handy. Everybody should have a gynecologist next door.

TRAPPER: I'm afraid to ask what's on the other side.

-HAWKEYE: Ohh. -TRAPPER: Yeah. Hey, hey.

-Oh. -Ha ha ha ha!

Boy, that Sylvia Jaffe is loaded for bear.

Oh, wow.

I could see that all over again.

Mmm.

Why not? Radar?

Uh, yes, sir.

That was very touching, Henry.

Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

-Tell me one thing. -Hmm?

Did you and Milt ever get married?

Radar, how are you doing?

Uh, in a minute, sir.

HAWKEYE: We've just heard that General Eisenhower

is gonna run for president.

What some guys won't do to get out of the army.

Still, some people make it work for them.

They keep in good physical shape.

Others occupy themselves with painting,

finding enjoyment in adding color to all our lives.

And then there are devotees of exotic cultures,

who nightly practice their khaki fertility rites.

Knock-knock. Anybody home?

Hello, Frank.

Here we are again.

Mmm.

Frank, don't nibble on me while I'm reading.

-Mm. -I want to turn a page.

Good, I'll wet your finger.

Here, turn a whole lot of pages.

Ohh.

Frank, be honest. Do you really think of me

as a bag of desirable bones?

Oh, of course, Margaret.

I have a mind, Frank. A mind and a brain.

Of course you do.

Let me kiss your brain.

Frank, leave.

And don't slam the door.

Margaret, if I want this kind of aggravation,

all I have to do is open one of my wife's letters.

I'm sick to death of being reminded

that you're a married man.

Well, how do you think I feel?

It's not my fault I'm married.

-She trapped me. -Ha.

-She did. -I'll bet.

She did so.

She said she liked me.

And that trapped you?

You should have seen my skin in college.

I only became a doctor to clear up my face.

Oh, take your face and--

your married face-- and get out.

Avec plaisir, Miss Snake-in-the-Grass.

Oh, you should talk, you two-timing four-flusher.

-Oh, Frank. -Oh, Margaret.

Uh, excuse me, Doc.

Uh, not now, soldier. I'm due in O.R.

There are a lot of ward people here.

Uh, hey, Miss?

Yes?

What's your problem?

Uh, let me ask you somethin'.

Did you see me when I first came here?

Yeah.

Well, am I darker now than I was then?

I see what you mean.

Are you sure they gave you the right blood?

Uh...

It's happened before.

They got you down as white.

Good work, baby.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Relax. I won't give you away.

Get outta here.

I'm a lieutenant, soldier.

I don't care if you are passing.

Watch your mouth.

At the London Zoo, every day at 4:00,

they have what's known as the chimps' tea party.

The MASH equivalent is our monthly staff meeting.

The Pentagon says it's necessary,

but the kind of meetings we have

would prolong the war by at least two years.

Radar, will you call the roll, please?

Henry, are you kiddin'? We all know who's here.

Regulations require it.

Well, I can see that.

And it could be that some of us aren't all here.

Uh, I move that we take the roll

and then if somebody's not here,

he's probably someplace else,

in which case the record should show it,

unless, of course, the person making the record isn't here.

Thank you, Pierce.

-Radar? -Here, sir.

-Take the roll. -Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake.

Yo.

Major Margaret Houlihan.

Here.

Major Frank Marion Burns.

Marion.

His folks wanted a boy.

Watch it. I'm not in the mood for fooling around tonight.

You hear that, Margaret?

Ahem. Captain John F.X. Mclntyre.

Hold it. Wait a minute. We didn't hear Frank's answer.

We don't know if he's here.

Of course I'm here.

Regulations, Frank.

-Radar. -Here, sir.

No. Ask Frank over there if he's here.

Oh, yes, sir.

-Major Frank Burns? -Here.

Captain John F.X. Mclntyre.

TRAPPER: Yo.

Uh, Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

Yo-yo.

First Lieutenant John Patrick Mulcahy.

Here.

Bless this meeting.

And all those who sail in her.

Radar, will you read the minutes?

Uh, sir, it happens

it isn't your turn to chair the meeting.

We go on a rotation basis.

By golly, that's right.

Okay, Radar. Who chaired the last staff meeting?

-Uh, I did, sir. -Hmm?

None of you showed up.

But the one before that, Major Burns did.

And that makes it Major Houlihan's turn.

Right. Uh, Major Houlihan,

it's your turn to chair the table.

-I'll take your seat, and you take mine. -Fine.

Let it go.

Sorry, Burns.

Um...

Yeah, here's your gavel.

Well, now, as chair of the month,

I hereby call this staff meeting to order.

You want to re-bless the meeting, Father?

We will now hear the minutes of the last meeting, Corporal.

Uh, I didn't take any. I was the only one here.

Uh, oh, excuse me. We do have the minutes

for the meeting before the last meeting's minutes.

-Read them, Corporal. -Yes, ma'am.

Ahem.

"Minutes of the last monthly staff meeting,

which was held six months ago.

"The motion was made

"that the officers of this unit

"hold a yearly reunion

"once a year after the war is over.

"The motion was defeated

"when it failed to receive even one vote.

"The meeting was soon declared a shambles

right after Captain Mclntyre

unscrewed Major Burns' clusters."

Ah, those were the days.

The purpose of these meetings

is to exchange information and ideas

for the efficient military performance of this unit.

The continued abuse of this forum

by certain of the staff

only reinforces my low opinion of them.

-Frank? -Hmm.

You know, in this light,

you look just like Joan Crawford.

-MARGARET: Colonel Blake! -Here, sir.

Captain Pierce is out of order.

I thought you were guaranteed for a year.

Order!

Look, darling, you wanna meet

and talk about vein grafts and arterial surgery

or trauma or cardiac arrest,

I'll be as serious as you want.

But if we're here for the purpose

of improving our military efficiency,

I for one couldn't care less

whether the border rocks are painted red, white, or blue

or whether we form a committee

to study the question of camouflaging our latrines

or to take Frank's suggestion of having lifeboat drills

in case we're attacked by the Korean Navy,

which they don't even have one of.

Really?

Everything we say here concerns the war!

Fine. I make a motion that the war be ended.

I second the motion.

You can't end the war just like that!

Of course you can! There's a motion on the floor.

-Let's vote on it. -You've all heard the motion.

-Those in favor, raise your right hands. -Aye!

-Those opposed? -Nay!

The ayes have it. Let it be recorded

that the war was ended on this date at 9:32 p.m.

Okay, last man to the unemployment office is a rotten egg.

Corporal, I--

Hiya, boy.

Ready for a little lunch?

Now I gotta talk to you, Doc.

Why don't ya have some food first?

Best medicine in the world.

-What is it? -Just what you ordered:

fried chicken and watermelon.

I never ordered that.

Hey, what are you guys tryin' to doing to me?

Did you give me the wrong color blood or not?

All blood is the same.

Ever hear of Dr. Charles Drew, soldier?

Who's that?

Dr. Drew invented the process

for separating blood so it could be stored.

Plasma.

He died last April after a car accident in North Carolina.

He bled to death.

The hospital wouldn't let him in.

It was for whites only.

See you, fella.

How far away it all seems:

fun, affection, tenderness.

More later, Dad.

It's time to go on the night shift.

HAWKEYE: Well, Dad,

another day, another Happy Hour.

Not too much. I'm praying later.

Look, I'm your commanding officer.

I can promote you in the field,

or we can go back to my place.

Doc?

I, uh, gotta join my outfit.

I, uh, I just wanna thank you for patchin' me up.

No charge.

And, uh,

also for givin' me a lot to think about.

Lieutenant.

Good luck.

One of the happier Happy Hours, Dad.

Excuse me. Come on over.

I want you to meet my friends.

Hey, Hawk. This is Nurse Anna Lindstrom.

-Oh, hey. -Hi.

She's with the Swedish unit.

I thought you two might hit it off.

I'll be with you in a minute.

-Have a seat. I'll get you a drink. -Okay.

♪ So don't forget, folks

♪ That's what you get, folks ♪

♪ For makin' whoopee

What is that? Whoopee?

I'll be with you in a minute, darling.