Original subtitles

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Tomorrow night's movie will beFlying Leathernecks,

starring John Wayne,

Ward Bond, and Maureen O'Hara.

Be sure to see this with a Marine you love.

I've seen it before,

but that part where she loses the baby,

that always makes me cry.

Well, they weren't married. She had to lose it.

Single people can't have babies.

It's a medical fact in Hollywood.

Tomorrow night?

The Flying Leathernecks with John Wayne?

Tonight isn't over yet.

Don't they ever show anything but war pictures?

I think the army's trying to prove movies are hell.

Après vous.We're home.

You're pretty fast with that plural.

I go on duty in a couple of hours.

I won't spoil you for the big game.

Tomorrow night.

TRAPPER: A handshake? That's all you got?

She sounds like a weirdo.

Possibly a fetish.

There's a case in Kraft-Ebbing.

A woman shook hands with 400 strange men in one night.

Her hand is on display

at the Berlin Academy of medicine and whoopee.

Stop. You're getting me excited.

I haven't had a handshake since I was in high school.

Well, my money's on you, Hawk.

You're the top scorer in the league.

Disgusting!

Why is it, whenever I come in here, it's disgusting?

I think that says it all, Frank.

This is the last straw.

Remind me to order more straws.

You've been reading my letter.

What letter, Frank?

This letter I'm writing to my wife.

I always pull a hair out of my head

and I place it on the paper, and that hair is gone.

Maybe your paper is losing its hair.

Imagine writing a bald letter home.

Why would we read your stupid letter, Frank?

I got my own wife to write.

"My darling, I'm exhausted.

"I've done eleven major operations

in the last two days."

You did read it.

You-- You... guys.

We are not.

Doc, can I see you?

It's about a patient outside.

Oh, I'd like to, Phil,

but right now I'm on drunk duty.

Major Burns is the ranking medical officer here.

And as such, I order you to see the patient.

Please, Hawkeye. It's important.

Well, if it's important, uh--

Oh, you write to your wife, Frank.

Save your hair.

There he is. That's the patient.

Boy, did his draft board go crazy.

Hi.

Would you turn on the headlights?

Step into my office.

He's quiet now,

but he's been crying constantly, Doc.

A couple of days.

How you doin', pal?

-Ahh.

It's probably just a touch of colic.

Does that hurt when I press here?

I don't feel anything.

I think it must just be colic.

I'll see if I can get you some stuff

at the dispensary.

He's gonna be all right.

Doc.

There's something else.

I'm being shipped home.

I don't want to leave them.

-You're not married? -Sort of.

Sort of married is like sort of a virgin.

She wouldn't-- Uh,

I-I mean, she said we had to be married first,

so we got married.

You gave her your dog tags?

You drank out of the same canteen?

I had the cook marry us.

He used to be an altar boy.

No wonder everything tastes like candles around here.

When are you getting shipped home?

Couple of weeks.

You know what's involved in getting permission

to marry a Korean?

It takes a couple of weeks just to find the guy

who tells you it takes a year.

That's why I came to you, Hawkeye.

You couldn't just go home with a Japanese bathrobe

or a turtle with MacArthur painted on its back?

I'll see what I can do.

-Thanks. -Oh, hey, Phil.

When it comes time, see me about the circumcision,

not the cook.

Uh, sir.

Radar, I can't sign anything now.

I'm sterile.

Oh, Uh, well, I found the forms

for enlisted men marrying LIP's, sir.

-Great. -LIP's?

Oh, that's Army for the natives, sir.

It stands for Local Indigenous Personnel.

Leave it to the army to remind us nobody's human.

Let's see the next one.

Went through the same routine with Corporal Berlinger.

Remember, sir?

Yeah. Berlinger. Right.

Yeah. Look, show us the rest at the table, will you?

Uh, uh, sir?

Uh, the, uh, plane with John Wayne

didn't get here.

Darn it.

What movie are we showing tonight?

What have we got on hand?

Uh, well, I could give you Bonzo Goes to College

or The Thing That Ate the Bronx.

Uh, show them both.

Preferably at the same time.

Yes, sir.

What happened to Berlinger?

Well, he was shacked up

with this very pretty little local.

-Hmm. -They wanted to get married.

Boy, look at the chunk of metal in this kid's belly.

Big enough to be a '38 Buick.

Okay, thanks, pal. So?

So Army Intelligence started their investigation.

-It's SOP. -What happened?

Well, they went into her background.

Suction. Her family, you know.

Unfortunately, the wars made a lot of these girls chippies.

Easy, Henry.

We're out of chippies, Doctor.

I can give you a retractor.

We'll do the jokes, nurse.

-Yes, Doctor.

Henry, why is it assumed that any girl

who isn't a blue-eyed, blonde-haired baton twirler

is automatically a pro?

Forceps.

If you're going to get on your soap box,

we're going to have to crank up the table.

Clamp. How about some retraction here?

Wow, look at that.

This kid's sitting too close to the war.

-Forceps. -You're not gonna believe this.

Berlinger's investigation took a year and a half.

-Happy ending? -He got married.

-Good. -To the WAC who did all the paperwork.

-Bad. -Yeah.

Henry, I can't let Walker down.

I know, I know. Clamp.

We gotta get them married before their kid

is old enough to get drafted.

Sponges.

Nice idea, this.

It's better than the movie.

I think once you've seen something eat the Bronx,

you've seen everything eat the Bronx.

These sandwiches are good.

I'm lucky the cook wasn't marrying anybody tonight.

Is that something I'm supposed to understand?

Not really.

I like eating outside.

In fact, I like doing almost anything outside.

Fair enough. Your tree or mine?

I said almost anything.

In that case, I may just teach you

to play golf one day.

I'm a 3 handicap.

Then you can teach me to play golf.

What else are you good at?

And I don't mind moving your answer indoors.

A couple of things.

But I enjoy things I'm not good at.

You interest me strangely.

Maybe we could be terrible at something together.

Well, I'm a rotten dancer, buit I enjoy it.

Excuse me. I couldn't help noticing you're a wallflower

because you're such a rotten dancer.

Everybody wants to take me to the parking lot,

but nobody wants to dance with me.

I also want to take you to the parking lot,

but first I'll teach you to dance.

Are you any good?

I taugth Sarah Bernhardt how to dance.

She had a wooden leg.

I had to charge her extra.

The secret is three little steps.

Step 1.

That was Step 2.

What's Step 3?

Which brings us to Step 4.

I thought there were only 3.

That's just for regular students.

I think you're ready for advanced training.

I think so, too,

but I don't think this is the right classroom.

How about tomorrow? My tent?

Do you have any records to dance to?

-No. -Good. I hate dancing.

Uh, sir?

What is it, Radar?

Uh, I finished the S3 LIP forms on Corporal Walker.

And the CID called, and they're sending

a Lieutenant Willis to investigate.

He should be here at any time.

That's nice.

I also got four officers to, uh, sign

the J-19 application and the character reference.

-Sir? -Yo.

Uh, John Wayne didn't show up again.

Oh, rats!

Well, what are we gonna show?

Have you got any Bonzos left?

Uh, just one, sir.

Uh, Bonzo Runs for President.

Well, that sounds good. Show that.

Yes, sir.

And let's have The Thing that Ate the Bronx.

I could see that every night.

Oh, me, too.

Also, sir, Majors Burns and Houlihan

request permission to see you.

Permission denied. Tell 'em I'm busy.

Ahem.

They're here, right?

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Major Burns wants to make a formal complaint,

a very serious formal complaint.

What is it, Frank?

He feels that Corporal O'Reilly

has been involved in the Walker matter

to the exclusion of

every other administrative function on this base.

-Really, Frank? -Yes!

Supply requisitions are not being processed.

Duty rosters are late. I can go on for an hour.

It's incredible.

I mean, Frank, I-I-I never saw your lips move once.

How do you do that?

We're running a hospital, not a marriage bureau.

I'm expecting a CID man here momentarily.

Then we can dispose of this Walker matter

quick as a bunny.

Only Captain Pierce could get action that fast.

Just another example of who's really running this outfit.

That's pretty strong stuff, Frank.

It's true. You're nothing but a golf-playing figurehead.

Now, you watch your language, Frank,

or I might just have to punch her right in the mouth.

Frank, are you just gonna stand there

and wait until the birds come and cover you with leaves?

I haven't said anything because I'm livid.

I happen to have a blood-pressure situation.

If I ever let myself go... Splack!

Splack?

I want you to know that I agree with everything I've said.

The army has very clear-cut guidelines and procedures

for marriage applications.

Marriage is a very serious business.

It requires careful thought and consideration.

Both parties need time to think about it

to protect the sanctity of the institution.

I know in my own case

that only cool deliberation beforehand

made my marriage a great union

that will endure forever.

Oh, Frank!

Well, Frank, win a few, lose a few.

Don't take too much off, Sol.

Regina's crazy about me the way I am.

Who can blame her?

Can I have the car tonight, Dad?

I'm afraid not, Andy.

You'll only drive out to some lonely spot

and start shaking hands.

Nah, that was just the first date.

We're way past the handshake stage.

Oh, you figure the earth's going to tremble tonight.

Also, stars will fall in Alabama.

On a scale of 10, I'd say this is 9 3/4.

Your problem is that you lack confidence.

Would you like a little tonic, sir?

Why not? I know I smell great the way I am,

but a little better wouldn't hurt.

You don't have any tonic.

No, but I have a date. Bye.

I would remind you, sir, you're a married man.

That's only an ugly rumor started by my wife.

There you go, Frank. Write your heart out.

Captain Pierce?

Yo! Come in.

Lieutenant Willis, CID, Tokyo.

You live here?

Oh, well, you came at a bad time.

We just had the place cleaned up.

Pierce, I've been assigned this Walker deal.

Oh, that was fast.

I'm going to have to interview you.

Okay, I get up early or I get up late.

You name it.

I was thinkin' of now.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I have an appointment.

Why the stall?

This is a hospital. Doctors and nurses.

Where you have doctors and nurses,

you have a lot of operating going on.

Some of it even in surgery.

Your story has touched my heart, Doc.

But I have fractured my tail getting up here.

So when do you want to do it?

Now or never?

Let me put it this way.

I respect how intimidated you make me feel.

Can I offer you one?

Home-made hooch?

This is wonder booze, the elixir of life.

Keeps us going.

As long as you're pouring. Thanks.

First off, I want as much dope as you can give me

about this Walker guy.

Happy days.

Cheers.

Whoo!

What's in this stuff?

Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that,

a lot of dreams.

Klinger, you got it.

Oh, the cook fixed it up very nice.

Be careful, don't spill the gravy.

Listen, will you do me a favor?

Take it over to Lieutenant Hoffman.

Tell her, uh, I'll be there in a half an hour.

-Unavoidable, okay? -You got it.

Lieutenant.

What's that?

Corporal Klinger. He's bucking to get out.

I wouldn't take him out for a $50 bill.

That's highly irregular.

Well, it's harmless.

Okay. Tell me about Walker,

and tell me about the broad.

Uh, if you don't mind, can we refer to her

as "Kim" and/or "the young lady"?

Do you know why those young ladies

want to marry our guys? Huh?

You think they're really, uh, crazy about us, right?

Gee, I don't know why anybody would want to marry an American

to get away from poverty and dysentery and starvation?

You just can't please some people.

You a Republican or a Democrat?

Who are you investigating?

I've got to know your character

if you're vouching for his.

I tell ya...

a lot of wrong thinking.

A lot of wrong thinking in this man's army.

Got some more of this turpentine?

All you want.

So I'm taking out all my shoulder pads.

I really feel that natural look is much more soft,

and it helps the bustline.

It's been almost an hour.

Well, he did say it was unavoidable.

How about a little more chicken?

It's delicious.

Do you have trouble sleeping with curlers?

Lieutenant, I've given you a lot of information.

Unless you're writing a novel about Walker,

it seems to me that ought to be enough.

I'll tell you somethin'.

I don't see how we can leapfrog the procedure.

Nothing special here.

Lieutenant?

There's a baby.

You're kidding.

The shackup has produced a shacklet.

Walker wants to take the girl and their child back home.

That's what the rush is about.

They got a kid and they're not even married?

It's been known to happen.

Are you crazy?

You call me down here

and tell me the guy has a baby.

Ooh...

Gimme some more.

Anybody we know?

That is unfortunately not

the late Lieutenant Willis, CID.

What happened?

He came here investigating Walker.

I told him about the baby.

You nuts?

Well, I'm an old-fashioned idiot.

I think two people who have a child

have a right to get married.

Well, you sure fouled up Walker.

Your friendly neighborhood CID man.

That's a real picture.

Almost suitable for framing.

What do you think?

It's worth a try.

You get started. I'll be right back.

Oh, it's you.

I'm sorry. I just came over to apologize.

The coq au vin was delicious.

Well, why not? Vintage chicken.

Army surplus '39.

Look, I-I just need a little more time,

but I'll be back, okay?

And then exactly at midnight

we'll take off our masks and go to pieces.

Oh, come on.

That's just a deposit. You get the rest later.

The rest goes like this.

Mmm. Terrible.

How do you feel?

Pierce, remember?

Who's that?

That's Walker?

Uh, that's McIntyre.

Captain McIntyre, Lieutenant Willis.

Please don't get up, even if you can.

I warned you. This stuff is murder, huh?

How long have I been here?

About two hours.

And three nurses.

A brassiere?

Or earmuffs, depending on the weather.

Lieutenant's uniform, sir. Cleaned and pressed.

Oh, good.

TRAPPER: The corporal does nice work.

We got out all the stains, sir,

except for the mascara on your Good Conduct ribbon.

-Thank you, Corporal. -You're welcome, sir.

Your, uh, pictures will be ready in 20 minutes.

Pictures of me and the girls?

A little memento of your visit to the 4077th.

All beautifully bound in an album...

engraved "Kill".

Pictures...

lipstick on the shirt...

a bra...

What was in the booze?

Nothin'.

Which is more than we can say for the bra.

A setup so I'd okay the Walker application.

Right.

Forget it.

You're calling our bluff?

I framed more guys in my lifetime

than you'll operate on.

Yes, I'm calling your bluff.

Yeah, how can you be sure it didn't happen?

And if it did happen,

we might send the pictures to your wife.

Or your commanding officer.

It never happened.

You're right.

We don't have any pictures. It never happened.

But how can you be sure?

And if we make a case out of it,

proof or not, it goes on your record.

Hey, Lieutenant.

You're right, don't sign it.

Take a chance.

Yeah.

What do I care if Walker marries some bimbo?

Let's see him get an apartment

when he gets back to the States

with a Korean wife.

How about a little drink?

On top of this?

I'll tell you something, the way you guys operate,

I wouldn't mind if you took care of my hernia.

With or without pictures?

REGINA: Here we are.

HAWKEYE: Plural at last.

You make me nervous.

I'm doing my best.

I've been nervous since the first time I saw you.

You got a remedy, Doctor?

Take two aspirin and go to bed.

I don't have any aspirin.

Well, we can skip the first part.

A toast first.

To the beginning.

And the middle and the end.

Boy, when you make a toast, you don't fool around.

-Hawkeye? -Yes. Whatever.

You never told me what all the unavoidable delay

tonight was about.

Couple of people I know wanted to get married.

And I-I expedited the paperwork.

Oh, that's sweet. You're a sweet man.

I love your perception.

Why a bad time?

The, uh, the army wasn't sure the girl

was good enough for one of their draftees.

C'mon... just...

You know Phil Walker? Over in X-ray?

Her name is Kim.

Personally, I prefer Regina...

Kim? Isn't that a Korean name?

No, not necessarily,

but in this case it is, which works out fine

'cause Kim is Korean.

You fixed it so someone could marry a Korean?

That's why you stood me up?

Who stood you up?

You don't see this adorable person sitting here,

lips at the ready?

I just want to make sure

I have all the facts, that's all.

What is this, an interview for Stars and Stripes?

Fact one Phil loves Kim and Kim loves Phil,

so much so they created fact two, a baby.

Now Phil is being shipped home

and he wants to take his wife and baby with him.

Pretty complicated, huh?

And so you had to arrange for a marriage between

one of our guys and a gook.

Kim is Korean.

Well, it's a matter of semantics.

What are you--

What are you trying to tell me?

You don't care for LIP's?

Not when they marry our people.

Our people?

Since-Since I'm one of them, now, who-who are we?

Whites, silly.

Oh, us. Of course.

What are you doing?

I think I want my handshake back.

You're built, Lieutenant. You--

You've got a body I'd like to take a lifetime

getting to know, and once I've learned it,

I'd like to start at the top and go down

to the bottom again, but, uh...

but somewhere in that luscious chemistry

are some pretty unappetizing ideas.

I don't think I can take the mix.

Good night, Lieutenant Hoffman.

Make that goodbye, Lieutenant Hoffman.

I forgot my wine.

I-Is that all?

No, actually, there's one more thing.

MULCAHY: ...in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

The ring, please.

Your mommy and daddy are getting married.

-"With this ring..." -With this ring, I thee wed.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Hey, guys! Guys! I caught the bouquet!

Well, don't look at me.