Original subtitles

Hold on. Just a second, just a second.

All right, give me the money.

Okay, you got it.

All right, fine. Do you have a--

Do you have a bet?

All right.

Okay--

-Okay, all right.

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Attention. Three minutes to Charlie.

Repeat, three minutes to Charlie.

Try to feel compassionate.

Remember, even one of our saints received

a Dear John letter.

Attention, all personnel. Attention.

Three minutes to Charlie.

Has anyone picked 40 yards, Radar?

Uh, oh, no, Father. It's still open.

Good, good. If I'm lucky,

the proceeds go to the Bible fund.

Oh, me, too.

I say, Reggie, you come here often?

Only when my horse is running.

Rather!

Ah, our turf accountant. Jolly good.

You guys got the same place as yesterday?

Of course, my good man, and be quick about it.

Okay. Trapper, you're 47. Hawkeye, 62.

Good show. Carry on.

Pip, pip.

-Right-o. -Cheerio.

You guys got a cold?

Won't be long now, folks. Stand by for Charlie.

-Take cover! -MARGARET: Air raid!

What air raid? It's 5:00 Charlie.

He's the enemy, trying to destroy us from the skies!

Oh, come on, Frank.

He's been trying for six weeks.

He hasn't hit anything yet.

I think he washed out of kamikaze school.

He's a loner, Frank, a misfit.

He's an airborne menace, and he's going to bomb us.

Well, he has a lovely day for it, hasn't he, Reggie?

-Oh, hear, hear. -Where, where?

Frank, give them a direct order.

Oh, do, Frank. We've never ignored one of those.

I'm a major. You're only captains.

That's just an accident of birth.

Yes, we were born majors.

Someone switched us in our cribs.

-Very funny. -It's true.

We're twins, identical majors.

-Shall we? -Rather.

How can you clown this way?

Don't you realize the danger you're in?

Frank, you realize for us.

-And you protect us, Uncle Frank. -Well--

By Jove, I believe I hear Charlie.

Who put water in my gun?

How do you know it's water?

This isn't even-- Where is my gun?

-We sold it. -We beat it into plowshares.

Oh, come on, Frank.

It's not funny, hiding a person's weapon.

I say, shall we toddle off?

Oh, yes, no one seated after the first act.

Yo.

-HENRY: Metzenbaum Scissors. -NURSE: Metz.

I can't see anything. Richardson retractor.

-NURSE: Big or little? -HENRY: The big one.

Boy, this kid's got more junk in him

than a used car lot.

Attention. Attention.

One minute to Charlie.

The betting book is now closed.

Here he comes, that old bugger.

Right on time.

What's your number, Ginger?

32 1/2 yards.

Forget it, honey. You haven't got a chance.

3-0 chromic, GI.

What number have you got, Doctor?

You got me two instruments here, honey.

Just one at a time. That's a girl.

Well, I'm not saying. I'm not saying.

Two of mine stolen last week.

Gimme some more retraction.

My little arms are breaking already.

32 1/2 yards.

You're out of your pretty little mind, honey.

All right, Doctor, let's clean this place up, right here

That's a boy.

How can you sit there and just let yourself get bombed?

One good bombing deserves another.

-Down in front, Frank.

Honestly, you can't take him anywhere.

And now,

direct from North Korea,

here he is for the sixth hit week,

5:00 Charlie, his airplane,

and his astigmatism!

-Ah, there he is. Charles. -Oh, yes.

Hello, Charles!

I say, he's got a cough today, doesn't he?

It's a wonder he can fly at all.

Oh, yes. He looks rather peaked to me.

Fragile.

Well done, shot.

But he missed.

Oh, yes. Bad luck, Charles.

See you tomorrow.

And that concludes 5:00 Charlie

for today, folks. Hope you enjoyed him

as much as North Korea enjoyed bringing him to ya.

Results of the pool will be announced

in just a few minutes.

Join us tomorrow, same time.

Until then, have a nice war.

I say, shall we repair for the digs

and wait for the results?

Good idea. We're nearly out of plasma.

Nurse, you're out of uniform.

Where?

How about my place in five minutes?

-Colonel! -Look, Frank,

Charlie is like one of our own.

I mean, how else would we know it's 5:00

if he didn't come over and try to blast that ammo dump?

Why can't anyone take this seriously?

It's cute, huh?

I got this little outfit in the Tokyo P.X. last week.

Colonel, I must insist--

I didn't know they were naked underneath.

You're not supposed to look under there.

Colonel, I insist you do something about these raids!

Aw, gimme a break, Frank. Get off my back.

Well, history certainly repeats itself.

Nobody listened to Billy Mitchell, either.

Who's Billy Mitchell?

A general who advocated a strong Air Force.

Gary Cooper played him.

Here I thought he played Sergeant York.

He did, but he also played Billy Mitchell and Lou Gehrig.

And he was for a strong Air Force.

Hey, that's pretty surprising for a first baseman.

I am certain that General Clayton

would send us an antiaircraft gun.

And I am sure that General Clayton

is not in the rent-a-gun service.

And anyway, who'd shoot the thing?

Well, I've had some gunnery experience.

I was in the R.O.T.C.

You'd think a man with R.O.T.C. training

wouldn't go peeking up a doll's skirt.

-Well, I am a doctor. -Mm-hmm.

Anyway, what about calling the general?

I can't call the general, Frank.

General Clayton's not in his office, sir.

They'll call back.

Good, I didn't want to talk to him anyway.

Well, he's not there. This is yours, sir.

Mine?

You came closest with 75 1/2 yards.

There's almost a hundred bucks there!

Zowie! Holy moly!

Corporal Johnson came next with 22 3/4.

-Oh, yeah? -This is insane.

Nobody bet on the Battle of Britain.

He who controls the skies controls the war.

Hermann Goering said that.

Yeah, well, he also wore tutus

and ate whole bakeries, Frank.

I'll file these forms for you, sir.

Yeah, file those forms. Whoops.

Hi, Henry. Just heard the great news.

Hey, congratulations, Henry.

You got a contract out on Henry, Frank?

Hey, listen, we're havin' a poker game

in The Swamp tonight. Saved you a seat.

If you can't make it, just send the money.

-This calls for a celebration.

General Clayton, sir.

Oh, thanks, Radar. Henry Blake here.

Get me General Clayton right away, please.

Oh, this is General Clayton.

Henry Blake here.

How-How-How are you, General?

Oh, just fine.

Uh, no, no, sir.

No, I'm afraid you were a little short.

Well, no, I think you had, uh, um--

Radar?

52 yards, Colonel.

52 yards, Colonel.

Right, uh-- Oh, sir? Excuse me.

While I've got you on the pipe,

the suggestion's been made that we could use

an 04ww nug.

Yeah, that's right, sir.

A nug so that we can, um, uh--

What's a nug, sir? Well, a nug is a-a--

Um, a gun, sir.

A 40mm gun.

Henry, you gotta be kidding.

We definitely do not need a nug.

You keep your snoops out of this.

We don't need a gun or a nug.

What are you trying to do, get us into the war?

General, listen, you send a gun up here,

and that's gonna draw a lot of fire!

That won't do our wounded very much good.

Give me that!

Get rid of the ammo dump, and we won't need a gun.

Do you mind?

The previous suggestion is contraindicated.

We need an anti-aircraft gun desperately, General!

Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job?

Henry Blake again, General.

What's that, sir? Oh, yeah, sure.

I'll check on that.

Uh, put him down for 64 yards for tomorrow.

Hawkeye and Trapper have 64 yards.

-Well, give it to him. -With him, what difference does it make?

Stupid-- Yes, sir, you've got a bet, sir.

64 yards. What's that, sir?

Oh, yes, yes, sir. That's a good idea, as always.

Well, uh, yes, sir. Thank you. Nice-- Bye.

Well, he's coming up tomorrow to look over the situation.

You better tell Hot Lips to warm up a merry widow.

Oh, now, that's filthy.

Henry, it's insane to arm this place.

Will you just keep your pants on

till Clayton gets here? He'll decide.

Honestly, you all make me sick!

I think he means we're contraindicated.

Someday all of this'll come out--

Your behavior, your filthy language,

your betting on the enemy.

And believe me, it'll be a shameful page for Uncle Sam.

Oh, Frank, look, the general's coming up here.

Isn't that good enough for ya?

Yeah, what more do you want?

I want everybody to understand that this is war

and that war is a call to arms.

Here's our money, Mister. Don't staple us.

Someday, all this will come out.

I'm terribly sorry, Padre.

Oh, that's all right, General.

I'll just turn the other cheek.

Get yourself something to eat, Sergeant.

Psst.

Margaret. Quickly, before word gets out I'm here.

Uh, you know Major Burns? Major Frank Burns?

Yes, of course. Burns.

Uh, we wanted to talk to you

before anybody else about the gun.

There's a war on, General.

I read the papers.

The major and I, we two majors,

feel that the colonel and a certain two captains--

That's two majors against a colonel and two captains.

Uh, what the major is trying to say, General,

-is that we feel they-- -The colonel and two captains.

...will try to influence you against the gun.

Nothing can make a general's mind up for him.

I'll decide this matter for myself.

Attention.

Five minutes to Charlie. Five minutes.

Now's your chance, General.

I'd better tell Blake I'm in camp.

Major Houlihan,

I'll want to discuss this later.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Privately.

Yes, sir.

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry, sir.

Sorry.

Oh, it's classic, Henry.

The ammo dump, the road.

Store matériel near hospitals

so the enemy will leave it alone, huh?

Learned it from the Germans.

Great, now we're taking lessons from the losers.

General, listen, instead of trying to knock out Charlie,

why don't we just get rid of this garbage?

Yeah, that'll keep him away.

Or does that make too much sense?

Well,

I really don't think a gun is necessary.

Do you, Henry?

Certainly not.

Unless you think I should think otherwise.

No, I-I don't think that.

And we have a new winner

in the "definite maybe" sweepstakes!

One minute to Charlie.

One minute.

Uh, sir, I think we might be safer

behind that rock back there.

Good thinking, Henry.

And here he is,

for your wartime pleasure,

the one and only 5:00 Charlie!

Way to go, Charlie!

I knew I should have bet on the Jeep today.

Henry.

Yes, sir?

You've got your gun.

To the right flank, harch!

To the rear, harch!

Detail... halt, two, three.

Men, I don't have to tell you

of the importance of our mission.

We are the first surgical unit

to have an anti-aircraft capability.

Our success is vital. I repeat, vital.

The eyes of the military are upon us.

Now, first off, uh, any of you speak, uh, English?

Yes, sir.

Also French, Italian, and a little German.

Sehr gut!Then you will be platoon leader.

I thought that you were the platoon leader.

Oh, well, I am, but for purposes

of our table of organization, I am the commander.

So you will be platoon leader.

You will be squad leader.

And you... will be the squad.

Now, the enemy very foolishly attacks

at the same time every day.

There's no element of surprise.

The man does not possess an ounce of cleverness,

which shows you the limitation of Oriental thinking.

No offense.

Hep, hup, hip, four.

Hep, hup, hip, four.

Hep, hup, hip, four.

Hep, hup, hip, four. To the rear, march.

Hep, hup, hip, four. To the rear, march.

Hep, hup, hip, four. To the left flank, march!

To the rear, march! To the right flank, harch!

To the rear, march! Halt!

Right and left face!

Cut that out, face!

Count off!

-Are you one? -Yes, are you?

That's not funny.

Count off!

-One. -Two.

That's about it.

Okay, at ease.

That strikes me funny... not.

I think it ill behooves us.

Behooves? What, are we in the cavalry now?

I think it ill behooves us to show

such a frivolous and flippant attitude

in front of our Korean allies.

Oh, come on, Frank, don't you understand?

Fire draws fire.

You shoot that thing and the next day

we'll have real planes, MiGs down here,

throwing bombs at our wounded.

Maybe you haven't noticed in the operating room,

but we do have wounded.

The combination of malpractice and flop sweat

makes it hard for him to see.

I know what my duty is, and I intend to do it!

-Fall in! -Aah!

About face!

Forward march!

Hep, hup, hip, four. Hep, hup, hip, four.

Hep, hup, hip, four. Hep, hup, hip, four.

Attaboy, Frank. Flush 'em out of the skies!

How are we gonna stop Frank?

All right, on one of his nocturnal visits

to Hot Lips, we sew him to the tent.

No, they'd wiggle out of that.

Yeah, he'd probably love it, too.

I know I would.

What about this?

A skin graft over his mouth

so he can't give the command to fire.

He's trigger-happy.

He can taste that plane.

I wish it would fly down his throat.

-It's not an uncommon phenomenon, you know. -Hmm?

You know, for medical men and professional guys

to get gung ho.

The 325th has a paratrooper rabbi.

-A real rabbi? -Oh, yeah.

-A paratrooper? -In every way.

Except he won't jump on Saturdays.

Fascinating, but it doesn't help.

Maybe we're too sober.

Cardozo, booze?

When I left the States, I promised my wife

that I wouldn't have a drink or another woman

till I got back to her.

That's nice.

Gimme a blast.

Make it a short one. I got a date tonight.

You know, I've been listening.

You guys want another opinion?

You're only a dentist.

Yeah, to you, life is something wet

that hardens overnight, and then you put gold on it.

What you want to do is forget about Frank.

I mean, his kind is indestructible.

They always have been.

-That's your opinion? -Yeah.

Play, Phil, same dance.

Look, what you want to do is get rid of the dump.

You take away the dump, you take away the gun.

You take away the gun, you take away

Frank's motivation, and the menace is gone.

Just for that idea,

we're gonna put you in the Christmas play.

Yeah, you can be the talking cavity.

But I-I-I can't give you four dozen sheets.

Oh, come on, Klein, you never turned us down before.

Yeah, but four dozen sheets?

We just met four dozen great girls.

Four dozen.

A requisition for 18 gallons of Mercurochrome?

Yeah, we got a patient with an enormous cut.

I never had a martini that way. May I?

Oh, please.

Goes great with a soap chaser.

Mmm!

I gotta hand it to us, Trap.

We have made that ammo dump

absolutely unmissable, even for Charlie.

Two hours to show time. It'll all be over.

And poor Frank won't be able to play with his "ack-ack" anymore.

Hmm. Hey, let's do something nice for him.

All right. How about a couple of C.C.'s of the plague?

We could name an infection after him.

Or make him the infection.

Either way, it's a nice gesture.

-I just had a terrible idea. -Hmm?

What if that creep gets lucky

and hits Charlie before Charlie hits the dump?

Hup!

TRAPPER: We'd better take care of that contingency.

Hey! This is the nurses' shower!

I waited as long as I could.

She's late today.

Okay, watch it. Here he comes.

Hurry up.

Oh, hi, Frank. Down this way.

We think it's an early abscess.

Well, why call on me?

Because when it comes to pus,

we always think of you, Frank.

Yeah, Frank, this is your arena.

Post-op infections, that's you.

Problem is, he should have had antibiotics immediately.

You waited too long. Now you've got a fever on your hands.

Fantastic. He goes right to the heart

of the clinical picture.

He's got eyes in the back of his stethoscope.

-Yeah. -Doctor,

I'm getting ready to do

the 4:30 feeding on Thompson.

-Oh, good. -Bed number 6.

Yeah, good. You do that, Ginger.

Give him the 4:30 feeding.

Kind of fun, working like this, huh, guys?

-We gotta pull together more, Frank. -Yeah.

Amen to that, old buddies.

That's Charlie.

What? It can't be, Frank.

It's only 4:30.

I know Charlie when I hear him.

Impossible.

You... you sneaks!

I've got to get to that gun.

It's Pearl Harbor all over again!

Attention. Two minutes to Charlie.

Two minutes to Charlie.

Take your positions, men!

Uh...uh...

Uh...uh...

180 degrees, point south.

180 degrees.

By 270, point west.

270.

And a 60-degree azimuth due north.

-What's going on here? -60!

I have 60-degree azimuth. Do I hear 65?

-TRAPPER: I bid 65! -MAN: 65!

HENRY: Wait a minute, he said 60.

-MAN: 60! -I'm sorry, sir, we already have a 65.

-65. -I said 65.

-TRAPPER: Let's start all-- -No, let's start all over.

-Colonel! -HAWKEYE: I have a colonel.

-Do I hear a general? -I'll bid a general, one star.

-One! -One! I have a one-star general.

-Do I hear two? -Two.

Two? Now come on, folks.

We're not gonna let this fine war go

for just a two-star general.

Henry, what they're doing is mutiny.

That's a little strong, isn't it, Frank?

I'm placing you both under arrest.

I'm losing him.

Fire, damn it! Fire!

-But, sir... -You heard him, soldier!

Fire!

Hell of a shot, Frank.

MAN : And so,

as he flies the blue lady of the skies

into the sunset,

we say "Aloha, 5:00 Charlie"

and return to our duties.

Let me remind you the hospital is open

24 hours for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Did you see this new stuff on vein grafts?

Yeah, that's fantastic, isn't it?

I bet that cuts down on amputations by 50%.

Or better.

You know, I could eat.

Yeah.

Hey, it's 10 after 5:00.

I miss him.

Me too.

Hey, tell the truth, Frank. Don't you miss Charlie?

Oh, I forgot. You did.

Oh, Hawk, that's in bad taste.

If I did, it was all your fault!

Aw, come on, Frank, why don't you join us?

You don't mind eating with a couple of peacemongers, do you?

-Eh. -Come on, Frank.

-Come on, we'll get something you like. -Ohh.

-Come on, you'll enjoy it. -Come on. Excuse me.

Come on, Frank.

Why can't I stay mad at you two lugs?

We'll work something out.