Original subtitles

The American military presence in Korea

is unlike any in our nation's history.

Our troops are fighting side by side

with 17 other United Nations forces.

All in all, a very unique situation.

But I can tell you one group

that may be suffering an adverse effect--

the 4077 MASH.

I've been getting reports

that treating casualties so close to the front

is beginning to take its toll.

Now, I'm gonna send you up to that unit

for the purpose of conducting a psychiatric evaluation.

Your recommendation will determine

if they are to be disbanded

and its members shipped to other units.

GENERAL: The 4077 is under the command

of Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake.

A fine surgeon, Henry.

A fair-to-middling administrator.

Blake's people are very devoted to him,

and I must say, he is highly thoughtful of them.

Morning, Henry.

Good morning, dear! Morning.

Oh.

That will be two kisses, please.

Here you go.

Hmm, and here's your change.

Blake's, uh, company clerk

is a, uh, Corporal Radar O'Reilly.

There are times, I must confess,

when it seems Henry Blake is Corporal O'Reilly's clerk.

Sign these, sir.

What am I signing, Radar?

Well, this is a request to rectify

last week's supply foul-up from Quartermaster Corps.

Was there another foul-up in Quartermaster last week??

In duplicate and triplicate, sir.

Uh, yes, sir.

They, uh, sent 2,000 specimen cups by mistake.

2,000.

They came in the same order as the 400 breast pumps.

That's an awful lot of--

A lot of breast pumps, yes, sir.

If you'd just initial this, please.

-Just initial? -The initial signifies

that you signed instead of initialed it.

Thank you.

Then there's the chief nurse of the 4077,

Major Margaret Houlihan.

An angel of mercy, Major Houlihan.

A woman dedicated to giving relief to others.

Oh, Margaret.

That's delicious.

Major Frank Burns is the unit's ranking surgeon.

A very competent doctor,

but a bit of a prude, if you should ask me.

Margaret, when you touch me,

my knees turn to pudding.

-Do they? -Yes.

Frank, I'll get all messy.

You're going to need a bath, you naughty girl.

Major Burns billets with two other doctors--

captains both--

Pierce and Mclntyre.

Two exceptionally qualified surgeons,

but in their off-hours,

their antics can become quite antic.

Separately, they're a handful.

Who rewrote these Commandments?

-Hawkeye, don't. -I can't help it.

Even as a child, I used to play with my food.

Together, Pierce and Mclntyre make a remarkable pair.

Gimme three.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, two, please.

Everybody ready?

Two kings.

Three 3s.

-Full house. -Ahh!

Pay up!

Turn your back.

Hee hee! Hee hee!

My concern is that the 4077

is operating under more pressure than it can stand.

More and more, we're forced to use green troops,

and green troops have a way of turning hospitals

into standing room only.

Hot stuff! This one's been shot.

Come on, this guy's still breathing. Get your butt over here.

MARGARET: I need some help. Pull this for me.

Are you clean? Pull that.

MARGARET: I need some more sponges.

-Get your longfingers. -Longfingers.

-Gimme the clamp. -Clamp.

We're getting close, Pierce.

-We're getting close. -Grab that bowel, Henry.

Wait a minute, will ya?

I don't think he's got a minute.

Come on, more lap sponges, damn it.

Can we watch our language, please?

Look, Frank, any time you want to kick me out

of this country club, I'll second your blackball.

Can we watch our language, please?

Pierce, you do good work.

Oh, yeah, another three or four wars,

I'll be sensational.

All right, we're about to button this kid up.

Let's get the next one in here-- Let's move it!

-Stop!

What happened?

Phosphorous burns.

Water, copper sulfate, quick!

How do they ship a kid like this?

They put him out once.

The breeze in the chopper started it up again.

-Get some water on there. -Out of the way.

Get the fire out first, boys. Get the fire out first.

All right, move him in there. Let's go!

I'll take care of this myself.

Let's go. Get him inside. Hurry up.

Klinger!

I told you to get out of those clothes.

Not till I'm discharged, sir.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You'll get your dress dirty.

As a psychiatrist, you'll be able to tell

whether the 4077 can still function as a team.

And for your purposes, it might be best to reveal

the true nature of your mission

only to Colonel Blake.

Break us up?

But you can't break us up.

I mean, we've been together so long,

we're like a family.

Well, families go their separate ways

sometimes, Colonel.

Children grow up, leave.

I understand.

I mean, uh...

I mean, you're not gonna write down everything

I say to you, are you?

I have a report to make, sir.

Oh, of course.

-Like a brandy, Captain? -No, thanks.

Gin? Scotch? Rye? Beer? I've got it all.

Don't get the idea that I drink.

I mean, it's just that, uh, you know, uh, the--

Now, every now and then, there's a lot of pressure

around here, and, uh, you know, just--

I mean, not that there's a lot of pressure

or anything like that.

I mean, it's just that every now and then, uh,

say, like your least little pressure,

what'll build up to the point where there's

an incredible amount of pressure around here.

Radar!

Would you bring in some brandy, please?

I thought you might like some brandy.

That'd be real nice.

Um, Captain Hildebrand doesn't care for any.

Oh, then I won't bring his glass in.

Great little kidder, that one.

But a crackerjack clerk.

Well, look, you just tell me

who it is you want to interview,

and, um, he'll, uh, line 'em all up for you.

Yeah, well, my orders are to make

discreet observations, Colonel.

There will be no interviews.

Gee whiz, I'd sure like to know

what put this bee in General Clayton's bonnet.

I mean, the 4077 is one of the most committed,

responsible bunch of people

I've ever had the privilege of being associated with.

-Ah, excuse me.

Hey-oh.

Yeah, well, show him in.

I mean, we have really got some--

Morning, sir.

The X-rays for the patient

with the phosphorus burns, sir.

Oh, uh, thank you, Klinger.

Will that be all, sir?

That's more than enough, Klinger.

I can explain that.

So can I.

I mean, it's not what it looks like.

Well, what do you think it looks like?

Well, I think it looks terrible.

Well, then, that's what it looks like.

Oh, the-there's nothing wrong with Klinger.

I mean, uh, he goes out with girls.

He must be stealing their clothes.

Naw, he's just bucking for a discharge, that's all.

He wants out on a psycho.

You know, it's logical.

Psycho.

I'm familiar with the word, Colonel.

Oh, of course.

Of course.

Well, I'd like to get started in the morning

with a first-stage view.

Let me get the billeting on that for you.

Uh, Radar?

Would you, uh--

Uh, Captain Hildebrand is gonna spend a day--

-Or two. -Or two.

He's gonna spend, uh, some time with us

-before he leaves. -Yes, sir.

Um, so would you please assign him to the VD tent?

-I mean the VID tent-- -Follow me, sir.

the PIV tent-- the P--

-HILDEBRAND: Colonel. -Yo!

Remember, Colonel.

Not a word. You have my word.

Yes, sir.

Hawkeye.

Captain?

She seemed more like a lieutenant to me.

Captain, it's me-- Radar. You've gotta get up.

Get out of here, Radar,

or I'll sever every nerve in your butt.

It's Colonel Blake. He says it's urgent.

What is it, a patient?

No, just the colonel. He needs you in the shower.

You'd think he'd be old enough to know

where everything is.

All I know is he says it's important.

Trapper?

Trapper? Trap--

Look, okay, I know it's dumb to be in here,

but Clayton sent this joker Hildebrand

to spy on us,

and I figured the shower was the safest place to meet.

-Right? -Absolutely.

Nobody ever comes in here.

-To cover our voices. -What?

To cover our--

Henry, you got a case of galloping paranoia.

Never mind. Now look,

I'm the only one who knows this guy's a psychiatrist.

And you still got the guts to wear that?

Pierce, can you lay off the wisecracks

for just five minutes?

Oh, he always acts funny in a men's shower.

Look, what I'm asking you guys is--

make that commanding.

Keep it "asking."

It's to, for Pete's sake, stop acting like a couple

of horse's patoots while Hildebrand is here,

or, sure as God made little green apples,

he's gonna break us up,

and I don't think any of us really want that to happen.

I mean, as screwy as this outfit is,

better the devil you know, right?

You got our word, Henry.

-Right? -Yeah.

-Promise? -Promise.

Thanks.

-Henry? -Yeah?

Your fly is closed.

MARGARET: Yes?

-Major? -Who is it?

It's me-- Henry Blake.

Just a minute.

Go--

Come in, Colonel.

Hi.

Oh, we were just, um,

going over tomorrow's duty roster.

The one on my desk?

He means yesterday's duty roster tomorrow.

Never mind.

I've got something serious to discuss.

-Sir! -Well, what is it? I--

A Captain Hildebrand showed up today

from headquarters in Seoul.

He's a psychiatrist,

and he's here on Clayton's orders.

Now, it is my guess that someone in this unit

has been ratfinking to the general on the sly.

It wasn't me.

Anyway, it's my duty to.

There's nothing wrong with reporting

the unmilitary posture of your command, Colonel.

Just let me remind you, Mrs. MacArthur,

that if this unit gets split up,

it might just happen that we all get split up,

which means that you and Dr. Burns here

will have to stop practicing medicine together

and whatever else it is you've been practicing.

-Uh, sir-- -What the hell?

I'm sorry. Uh, everything's taken care of.

-The fix is in. -Good.

Uh, everybody's agreed

to, uh, behave themselves in front of Captain Hildebrand

and to make the place look real GI.

-Very, very good. -Oh, I took all--

I want every golf club out of this place.

...the golf clubs, and I hid them.

And then sewed up the hole in the nurse's tent,

and I took Klinger's bras, and I burned them all.

HENRY: I am freezing.

RADAR: Are you cold?

Hey, somebody give the place a shove.

What is that?

I think this motel is surrounded by soldiers.

It's disgusting that you sleep in your underwear.

Beats sleeping in yours.

Listen, Frank, we're all gonna make nice

for Captain Hildebrand today, but don't push us.

Well, a shave wouldn't be a bad start.

You both look more like bums than doctors.

Actually, I was, uh, I was thinking of becoming a bum doctor,

but the proctology class was full.

Ha-ha-ha.

What is that?

What is that what, Frank?

Why is someone's appendix in this boot?

Because the other one is full of tonsils.

Uh, Captain! Captain Hildebrand.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-How about some breakfast? -Good idea.

Before our really very typical day starts around here?

Uh, good idea.

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Colonel Blake, at 16-- uh, 1700 hours,

will deliver his weekly lecture.

Tonight's subject will be

"Togetherness."

The "Togetherness" lecture will be followed

by a talk on the perils of trench mouth.

I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs

and a slice of World War II surplus bread,

and don't make it tasty.

GINGER: I'd like some coffee.

Wouldn't we all?

Here we go. Uh, Pierce, Mclntyre,

I'd like you to meet, uh, Captain Hildebrand.

He's here to, um, to observe.

Your surgical technique.

Oh, really? You got a specialty?

Uh, gynecology.

Ear, nose and throat.

Well, you were close, Henry.

Um, mind if we join you?

We were gonna join the nurses.

Yeah, we were gonna join them and make one big nurse.

Hey, Frank, care for a little company, buddy, hmm?

Plenty of room for everyone.

Thanks, pal.

Can I have the salt down there, uh, buddy?

Hey, listen, could you take it easy with the buddy talk?

I've got a weak stomach.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, Major Burns, general surgeon,

Captain Hildebrand, nose, throat, and bloomers.

Hey, Frank, I took a look at that kid

whose bowel you resected this morning.

That was some job.

Well, what was wrong with it?

Not a thing.

You oughta put your monogram on that scar, Frank.

That was a thing of beauty.

Well, I don't like to brag, but that is my specialty.

Oh, I mean to tell you.

One look, and I can see your hand all over that gut.

Uh, Colonel, uh, may I have the butter, please?

-Henry? -Hmm?

The butter?

Oh, here you go, Piercintyre.

Excuse me.

The men are always complimenting each other's work.

We're thinking of going into practice together

when we get home, isn't that right, Trap?

Yeah, we're gonna open our own clinic,

the three of us.

That's right, the three of us war buddies

would run the place.

Frank would park the cars.

Great, great leg-pullers, these guys.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Is there room for one more?

Well, Captain Hildebrand, this is Major Houlihan.

-How do you do? -I'm delighted to meet you.

She's our head nurse. Best one in Korea.

Every nurse I've ever known

takes a back seat to the Major.

-Well... -And you're talking to a man

who's taken a lot of nurses into back seats.

-Miss Scarlett. -Thank you, Captain Pierce.

Oh. Pass the, uh, butter, will you, Pierce?

Thank you.

One big, happy family, aren't we?

Well... mm-hmm.

♪♪ WOMAN:

MARGARET: Who is it? Who--

MAN : Attention, please.

Immediately following Mass this Sunday,

Yom Kippur services will be held

for all Jewish personnel of the Hebrew faith.

HILDEBRAND: Childish, not childlike,

with its connotations of innocence

and joyous abandon, but childish.

You delight in petty bickering,

summer-camp capers,

and, in general, behave in a manner

ill-befitting officers in the United States Army,

and members of the medical profession.

It is to some degree understandable.

You are, after all, only three miles from the front.

You would not be the first people to crack

under the stress of war.

I resent that, Captain!

I, for one, have not cracked because of the war.

-That's true, Captain. -Thank you, Pierce.

Frank showed up here cracked,

with a Bible in one hand and a pair of shorts

that said "Hold me" in the other.

-Pierce! -Oh, come on, Henry, the party's over.

Now, listen, don't you pay any attention to--

No, he's right, Colonel.

Even tipping them off couldn't keep them

from behaving the way they really feel.

How would you feel, Captain, if you were forced to serve

alongside a pair of medical misfits?

!¡Olé!

And this one has no respect for decency.

He turns everything into a hollow mockery.

That's a lie.

I've never once taken out the insides of a mockery.

He's right, Captain. They're both impossible.

You stay out of this, Hot Lips,

or I'll stop selling tickets to your shower day.

All right. Steady, people.

You are no gentlemen.

Good thing you are.

How d--

"I d-d--"

Uh...

While you're writing, make note of the fact

that thanks to the failure

of the world's various elected heads,

not to mention just plain dictators,

to keep a Cold War from turning hot,

I am forced to operate alongside a surgeon

who can't trim his toenails

without committing malpractice.

I resent that.

How do you know he meant you?

Well, who else? I mean, uh...

Uh, Captain, we're not as bad as we seem.

There isn't a nurse in camp they haven't tried to molest!

Except the male ones.

Speak for yourself.

That one spies on everybody!

Now, dear, he is our son.

-He is not! -Sir--

Radar, what the hell is it?

Choppers. More wounded.

-NURSE: We need some sponges here.

Okay, who ordered the pepperoni pizza?

FRANK: I need some plasma over here.

HAWKEYE: What's going on here?

Come on, give me the longfingers.

How's it going, Frank?

He's fine, young.

MARGARET: We need some more light, please.

HAWKEYE: No, it's not the light. It's the blood.

Everything okay, Pierce?

Could you get somebody to give us some sponges here?

-You got it. -Sponge.

Sponges are here.

Henry! I got a lot of bleeding here.

Give me some help.

Nurse, gown and gloves, on the double.

HAWKEYE: Clamp.

MARGARET: Clamp.

FRANK: Okay, now watch that, watch that.

HAWKEYE: This is no good. Give me some suction.

I need some suction here.

-MARGARET: Suction. -Clean it out in there.

-NURSE: Clamp? -HAWKEYE: Clamp.

That's better. I can see a little better.

FRANK: On the sutures.

-Captain, excuse me.

Yeah, how are you? Gimme, uh, gimme, uh,

scissors and pickups.

-Scissors. Pickups. -All right.

Okay, that's better. Now we're cooking.

Here we go.

MARGARET: Clamp.

-NURSE: Clamp. -HAWKEYE: Yeah.

TRAPPER: Look at this.

FRANK: Okay, we may need some--

HENRY: How did Notre Dame do?

Okay, sew him up and give him his bill.

Ohh.

Oh. Ooh. Boy.

Come on, let's go.

Ten-hut!

Thought I might have a word with Captain Hildebrand.

Oh, uh, Captain Brildehand--

Hil-Hildebrand. Yes, sir.

Uh, well, I don't know where he is.

He's, um, he's probably at the, um, um--

HAWKEYE: Over here!

Mon général.

GENERAL: Captain Hildebrand!

These guys make a gin

that can melt your dog tags.

It's from a recipe first brewed

in Hermann Goering's navel

and handed down from war to war.

You had a mission, Captain.

Oh, I've done it.

I can give you your report.

In my short stay here,

I have seen textbook examples

of neuroses, psychoses.

I have seen voyeurism, fetishism,

and a few "isms" I've never even heard of.

And let me tell you this, General.

These impossible people are in an impossible place

doing totally impossible work.

They're mad, quite mad, all of them,

and the only act I can think of that would be madder still

would be breaking them up.

Well, we did it again.

Screwed up in reverse.

We'll never get out of here.

Um, have a drink, General?

It's 8:00 in the morning.

Well, I'd like to propose a little toast.

Well...

Are you still in the same tent?

Uh, no, sir, they moved me out just after the first--

Here we go, General.

Finest kind.

MAN : Attention.

Be sure to follow the zany antics

of our combat surgeons

as they cut and stitch their way

along the front lines,

operating as bombs--

operating as bombs and bullets burst around them,

snatching laughs and love

between amputations and penicillin.

Follow Hawkeye Pierce...

TrapperJohn Mclntyre...

Henry Blake...

Hot Lips Houlihan...

Frank Burns...

Radar O'Reilly...

and Corporal Klinger.