Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Is Balki around?

Well, no, he's not.

Harriette! Harriette!

Oh, hi, baby. Bye, baby.

No. Wait, wait!

This is the day you said I could drive the elevator.

You big kidder, you.

Don't do that, baby. Oh.

Uh, but I've been looking forward to this all week.

Okay, let's get to it.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I've been practicing at home in my closet.

Now, now, don't worry.

I remember everything you teach me.

Balki, make sure you don't accelerate too fast.

Well, of course, I won't. Don't be ridiculous.

What does accelerate mean?

(HARRIETTE AND LYDIA SCREAM)

Gotta remember to use smaller words.

Appleton.

Uh, yes, sir, Mr. Wainright.

Well, thank you, sir. I try to do my small part for the paper.

Oh, don't be so modest. It was good.

You should try being a little more assertive.

I said assertive, not pushy.

Oh, sorry, sir.

Where did you find that informant?

What was it you called him? Sore Throat.

Actually, Balki came up with the name.

In fact, Balki was the one who found him.

Well, I should say well done to Bartokomous, too.

Uh, is he around?

Well, Harriette's letting him drive the elevator.

HARRIETTE: Stop! (BOTH SCREAMING)

That would be him now.

Wow.

That thing can stop on a dime.

Harriette, I think I'm going to try it again.

Why don't you take a breather, baby,

while I try to find my contacts?

My God. I'm shorter!

Balki, Balki, look who's come to see us.

Mr. Wainright.

It's so nice of you to come down and join us in our basement.

Well, I just came by to tell you

what an asset you've been to Appleton.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Wainright. I didn't realize...

I didn't realize I'd made an asset of myself.

No, no, no, Balki...

but I don't think that's any reason for name-calling.

No, no, no. It's not what you think.

(CHUCKLES) He's still learning the language. Obviously.

Well, just keep up the good work, Appleton.

You have a great future as a reporter.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Now, wasn't that nice of him to come down here?

Well, to be honest with you

I'm still smarting from that asset remark.

No, no, no, Balki, an asset is a good thing. A good thing.

He was paying you a compliment.

Really? Yes.

Wish I could have understood this

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I'm Larry Appleton. I'm Balki Bartokomous.

Oh, I saw your names were on that commodities' scandal story. Nice work.

Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)

What can we do for you?

This is a subpoena.

What... What that is?

and reveal everything you know about the commodities scandal.

We are becoming celebrities.

People want us to start making personal appearances.

Okay, cousin, what if the judge asks you

"How was the inside information passed?"

All right, all right, your honor, uh...

"Each commodity was given a code name."

If I can give an example...

"Pork bellies were called porky pigs."

I can elaborate, if you'd like.

No need, cousin. No need.

You really have these facts at your fingernails.

I have to, Balki.

in what could be the trial of the decade.

I have a responsibility to have all of my facts straight.

Besides, we could be on television.

Oh, cousin, then that means we'll have to dress for the camera.

That means nothing too busy. No stripes.

And I would recommend you don't wear yellow

because it makes you look very pale.

Kind of like that guy in Poltergeist II.

You're gonna die.

Thanks for the tip. You're welcome.

Hey, cousin, when do I get to tell the judge what I know?

What do you know?

Well, I've got that right here in my filing system.

"Your Honor, I have everything you want to know

"about Sore Throat right here.

"Name, Waldo Gillings.

"Occupation, driver for a big Chicago stockbroker.

"Hobby, listening to his boss make crooked deals

"in the back seat of the limo."

Balki...

You can't tell the judge anything about Sore Throat.

We promised Waldo that we would not reveal

that he was the source of our information.

As reporters, we have to protect people

They know a reporter will not divulge their identity.

And that is what I promised Waldo.

But, cousin, I have heard that if you don't tell a judge

what he wants to know, he can send you to jail.

Now, Balki, yes, it's true.

The judge could have us incarcerated.

Oh, cousin, I don't want to be set on fire!

No, no.

Not incinerated, incarcerated.

Incarcerated.

It means sent to jail.

We have to stand up for the first amendment.

Sit down.

We have to stand up for freedom of the press.

Sit down.

We have to stand up... Sit down!

Well, cousin, why you didn't say so sooner?

I didn't know we were fighting

Well, we are, Balki. We are.

Well, that settles it.

If that judge wants to know anything about Sore Throat,

we aren't going to tell him a thing even if he sends us to jail forever!

And if he don't like that

That's the spirit.

And you know what I think, Balki?

Not really.

Tomorrow when the judge sees the strength of our commitment,

he's not going to throw us in jail.

He's going to throw us a parade.

Ha-ha!

Does this mean we missed the parade?

It's five big ones, Balki.

We've been in stir for five hours.

Well, cousin, you did tell Judge Gideon

that we'd stay in here until hell warms over.

And I meant it.

He thought he could break me

by throwing me in this hole. Ha!

Ha! Yeah...

This cell isn't so bad.

It's not as bad as the one I was in on Mypos.

It's got nice bunk beds and running water.

Judge Gideon didn't know who he was dealing with.

We're... You were in jail?

What for?

Kidnapping.

You were arrested for kidnapping?

Yeah, I was accused of a 506...

Stealing a baby goat.

Oh. Kid-napping.

But it was all a mistake. A mistake, I tell you.

The baby goat had a rotten home life and...

Used to like to hang around with me.

I gave him a lot of positive ego reinforcement.

So, you've been behind bars before.

Yeah, well, on Mypos, the cells don't have bars.

No bars? No, no.

On Mypos, when they put you in jail,

they make you stand in front of the court house

and they draw a circle around you.

What keeps you from escaping?

It's against the law.

Here's your blankets.

Thanks, but I doubt we'll be needing them.

We'll be gettin' out of here soon.

Well, I wouldn't get my hopes up.

The last reporter Judge Gideon put here in jail

for not revealing his source is still here.

He is? How long ago was that?

Oh, let's see, he was here when I got here.

And I've been here, let's see, uh, three years.

Three years?

Balki, I don't think I can do three years.

Yes, you can, cousin.

There's a lot of strength in that compact little body.

We could be here for years.

Our whole world could be this cold, damp cell.

No sunshine.

No fresh air.

No place to plug in my Waterpik.

I'll talk! I'll talk! Guar...

Calm down. You just calm down.

Are you going to be calm?

Balki, I'm not going to make it.

Come on, cousin, have you forgotten what you said?

What did I say? Was it something good?

Well, of course it was good.

Yeah, you said that...

and the constitution and freedom of the press.

Who am I kidding? Me mostly.

Cousin, don't say that. It's too hard.

I don't have the strength to defend the constitution.

That's not true. Oh, yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Well, then sit down.

I can do that.

Now, look, cousin, people like you

have always defended the constitution.

Who do you think Nathan Hale was?

Paul Revere?

John Paul Jones and Ringo?

They were just regular people like you

until they were called upon to do something heroic

like defend the constitution.

And they had it tough because they didn't even have a constitution yet.

I wish I had your faith in me.

I wish I was like those heroes.

But I'm not. Oh, come on.

I'm weak.

Cousin, cousin, cousin.

Draw upon the strength of your forefathers.

I can't.

* O beautiful

* For spacious skies

* For amber waves of grain

Maybe I should stop thinking about myself.

* For the purple mountains

I should think of those who've gone before

And all those who never made it this far.

* America

* God shed his grace on thee

* And crown thy good

* With brotherhood

* From sea

* To shining sea *

Balki, I can do the hard time.

Get in there. All right.

Another couple of playmates for you, guys.

Oh, my Lord.

You push me again, and you're a dead man.

Don't hit him, Dutch.

Hi, I'm Balki Bartokomous

and this is my cousin Larry Appleton.

And now that we have four

later we can play password.

Scram.

Oh, that's a tough one.

Cousin, we're gonna have to practice.

These guys are good.

Excuse me, uh, guard, uh, can I talk for just a moment?

I think there's been a mistake.

Uh, we're white-collar criminals

and these two are clearly mad dog killers.

but shouldn't we be in separate cells?

Oh, of course, I'll get on it right away.

And while I'm at it, I'll warm up your Jacuzzi.

Ooh!

Hey, what are you two guys, some kind of snitches?

Oh, no, no, no, no, we're not snitches.

In fact, we're in here for not snitching.

Yeah, we're defending the constitution

the freedom of the press and the right to arm bears.

You say one more word and I'm gonna reach down your throat

and pull out an organ.

Okay.

Earthquake! Quick!

Stand in a doorway! Oh, God!

It's not an earthquake.

That goon over there took my blanket.

Oh, well, cousin, here, here, here. Take mine.

Are you sure?

Well, sure, I'm sure.

Cold don't bother sheepherders.

Cold and rain, now, that bothers us.

You ever smell a sheep

Whoa.

You sure you don't need your blanket?

Absolutely.

Cousin, are you going to let them get away with this?

Well, uh, look, I'm going to have a word with Dutch.

I think that he's just going through a bad time in his life

and he needs someone to reach out to.

Uh, excuse me, I just wanted to point out

that you have all the blankets

and we're freezing our buttocks off.

Jake, I'm gonna kill this one, okay?

Okay.

No, no, no! Don't mind him. Don't mind him.

He's just sleepwalking. Sleepwalking.

Balki, wake up. Ow!

There, he's awake now. He's awake now, everything's fine.

Everybody go back to sleep.

I hate to wake up in the middle of the night

without beating somebody up.

Let's throw these guys out.

Hey, we'd love to leave but the cell door's locked.

We'll just push you through the bars like toothpaste.

What are you doing to my Cousin Larry?

(BOTH GROANING)

All right. Stop horsing around.

Well, it's about time.

Judge Gideon found out what the power of the press means.

Let's go, Balki.

Not you two. You two.

Your mother posted bail.

Well, I'm not sorry to see them go

What's that?

Now we'll never be able to see

if our heads would fit in between these bars.

(HARMONICA PLAYING)

Balki, I had no idea you could play the harmonica so well.

I think it's someone down the hall.

Morning, fellas.

I got a message for you from Judge Gideon.

Yeah, well, I think I know what it is.

Yeah, he wants us to reveal our source.

Yeah. Well, I got a message for him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll never reveal the identity of Sore Throat.

Yeah.

You mean Waldo Gillings?

Yep. You know?

Everybody knows.

he came forward and decided to testify against his boss.

Now, you're free to go.

Hey, cousin, cousin, did you hear that?

Yeah, we're free to go.

Yeah, we're free to go.

Cousin, cousin, try to focus.

You said that you were a serious journalist.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

You do have what it takes to make a great journalist.

You think so? I know so, cousin.

When you do time with someone you get to know them.

Thanks, Balki.

I don't think I could have done it without you.

We make a great team, don't we?

Yeah, we do.

Well, we showed them, huh?

We can take any time they can dish out.

Yeah.

Are you guys coming, or you want to stay here?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)