Original subtitles

That refrigerator wasn't fucking closed like it should be.

I'm turning the steam table on.

When there's too much ice, no dice.

And it leaks 'cause the drain system doesn't work.

No.

No.

No.

Yes.

I'm going over my list that I made for today.

I already defrosted that refrigerator.

It needs to be defrosted twice a day, every fucking day.

I cooked the lamb...

This refrigerator has never been grounded properly.

We're not sure why.

I would be getting shocked, constant shock, high electricity going through my body.

This rack, which just barely holds on,

if I don't put the coconut underneath, the weight of all the other shit just snaps it off.

You see, there's not enough clearance

between the shelf and the container

to get the container in and out over that little lump.

The whole place is like that.

If you don't do what you're supposed to do

you get punished right away.

Something horrible happens, you know?

Which causes you to do penance, you know?

In this particular instance I'd be on my hands and knees

not just cleaning up the shit on the fucking floor...

but having to fiddle the shelf back onto its hinges and shit like that.

You know, it's the way you solve things around your house.

It's not like you have a servant and a handyman coming.

You do what the fuck you can do when you can do it.

I like candy ass, you know?

Things that are human scale,

human expressions of ingenuity and reality.

The kind of stuff that everybody has on their sitcoms on television,

but who they don't want...

They don't want that to happen in their fucking life

because it's not safe; it's not right.

I mean, that's not really a right way to run a refrigerator the way I do it.

The bread man used to steal from us.

And this is the other thing my kids do wrong, they always set it at different numbers,

whereas my wife always sets it at the same number, it's easy.

So, just so that there'll be no problem with the bread man stealing anything.

That feels like a sweet potato, no?

I took a drill

and I reamed out the burners so they deliver twice as much gas.

I almost do better with assholes.

It's a very adversarial relationship, a restaurant,

with new customers. With old customers,

it's really intimate and family-like.

But all new customers, "cause I've been here like 32 years,

they have to prove it to me

that they're okay to feed.

Three soft-boiled eggs, shreds, and black toast.

This is kind of like feeling somebody's pussy up,

you know? You...

You get to put this thing in your hand that has, like... This, like, you know?

You know what I mean? This, like, viscous feel to it.

It's not bad at all.

Hmm?

And then when you cook it,

it cooks different too. It's much friendlier than cooking eggs.

Pick up!

Everybody is seven years old.

This is a mature person.

Has a job, a family, he's gonna die someday,

and he's gonna go to Wall Street

and slaughter the Third World Nations today.

And he's having chocolate chip pancakes for fucking breakfast.

Good for him, huh?

Hi, Jose.

Well, the relationship with my dad and Jose

is kind of different than he's had with any other employees,

because Jose is like, kind of like part of the family.

Now, Jose and I,

on the level of what we do for each other,

we're like a perfect team.

Because despite our great emotional and intellectual and language differences,

we both most like to do the kitchen dance.

He accommodates me because I'm a fat, old, nasty Jew,

just like some white guy who has a Latin partner and does the samba,

and have nothing else in common.

And when we dance together, we're really good partners.

- Okay, rye bread? - Yeah.

Kenny and I are very opposite in this way.

He is much more pessimistic than I am. I'm optimistic; I'm more of a fatalist,

and I feel that I'm a lucky person.

Things work out for me, you know?

Knock on wood, I have five... Wait a minute.

Yeah.

Five healthy children who love each other.

That's the thing that I feel best about.

I love coming in the morning,

early, 9:00, 10:00 in the morning,

sitting in this bench with my dad or my mom and, like, getting the paper.

And when it's not that busy,

I'll cook someone some food and come sit back down.

It just feels, you know, really nice.

And I think, I guess as a customer, it'd probably be the same thing.

It's a neighborhood thing, it's a family thing.

It's not just the greatest restaurant

where he cooks one of 900 dishes from scratch in a couple minutes and it's unbelievable.

It's my kitchen, you know?

I'm four doors down the street, and I fall into my kitchen.

Coming to this place, I feel like me.

It's the only restaurant I can go into, and walk in...

Whatever lousy mood I'm in, it changes immediately.

And I tell Kenny, "I'd like some ebelskivers"

and Kenny says, "Fuck that, I'm done with the grill,

I ain't making you skivers.

You want skivers, have 'em for dessert, you got to have lunch first."

He says, "Kym, you want the skivers, come back here, show me your tits."

Most worthwhile flash I've ever done.

- Never got sued... - Knock on wood.

I don't have any.

But that... that's it; We didn't have any... You know, we didn't kill anybody.

Well, a couple of people have threatened to kill Kenny!

But that's only because I am who I am, not because of anything I did.

I always would order this Patsy's cashew chicken

and scallions and lemon juice and cashews.

And I said, "Something tastes different here, but I can't figure out what it is."

And then I hear this voice whispering, "Noah, Noah!" That's my name.

And... and Kenny's over at the counter

with a handful of... of cashews.

He said he forgot to put the cashews in,

so he just, like, gave me this handful of cashews

and put it in the... in the food.

And it was really nice 'cause I knew that there was something missing,

but I didn't know what it was.

And he was here before... Larry!

You worked here before Charlie was born as well as after or just after?

Worked the counter; I was manager at the time.

You know, like, stock boy, manager, whatever.

So I've been in that store ever since.

His life around completely

to being an honest, productive citizen and a good father, from being a turd.

An absolute fucking turd.

When I left, Kenny gave me a 10% discount for life.

There was this kid that came in here every day...

Macaroni and cheese,

or he would have pancakes.

And one day, he says, "I can't decide what to have,"

So I said, "Don't worry, Matthew,

I'm going to decide for you."

Macaroni and cheese pancake.

Egg and cheese pancake.

Barbecued chicken pancakes.

Uh, chocolate chip pancakes.

Post-modern pancakes.

Basically, you make some pancakes

and then you chop them up, and then you throw them in pancake batter again.

Giant glazed apple nut pancake.

The thing that's cool about it is how we glaze it.

Watch, you'll see in a minute.

I don't make much money on this bread.

They got me.

These people from North Carolina,

who aren't city slickers,

they know value when they see it.

You got to kill flies all the time; there's flies continually in the neighborhood.

There are certain flies, like you said, bred to be high fliers.

That's how they survive in the restaurant, because they're high fliers.

All the ones that are low, we Kill.

You know, it's very existential, killing flies. You kill 'em one at a time,

and that's it, they're dead! You know?

It's almost like, uh... National politics in Afghanistan, you know?

Once you kill those cocksuckers, they're finished.

But they can breed people that you can't catch.

And that's almost what happened with Third-World people.

Over the years we've bred people who are impervious to bourgeoisie demands

and they're willing to die to kill us.

They bred to a point where I can't kill the high fliers,

so I got a device that does.

And that's what we're absolutely engaged in now in this country,

is trying to come up with a defense that kills the high fliers,

the people that are willing to sacrifice their life to destroy our malignant life form here.

You know, I wish them luck...

Because no matter what they do,

their next enemy is gonna be from within.

That's the eventual outcome of all fly-killing and whatnots like that.

Once you get rid of the external enemy,

you have to deal with yourself.

So that even if you solve all the outside evils, you are.. you're left with your own.

You know? The evil your parents did to you and the evil that all parents do to all people.

Anyway, I like killing flies.

The village has been gentrified, but there's been holdouts

trying to keep it a neighborhood.

And the...

Neighborhood people are losing.

Yo.

Yes.

I haven't moved any place. I'm right here.

This place at $6500 a month, which goes to, like,

almost $9000 at the end of five years...

What I have here, the relaxed, gradual,

integrated nature of my existence

- in which my customers drift in... - What?

And are serviced and inter-react with each other,

in this place at $6500 a month,

I have to bust my fucking hump.

There's a whole lot before that, but the end of it is,

is that when the new landlord took over the building

after we made a feeble attempt to buy it...

If I hadn't lost all my money in the market I would've bought it.

I think it would have been a mistake.

But anyway, the new landlord summons us to his office...

Proceeds to offer me a one-year lease.

After 32 years in business, a one-year lease, which is, like, really stupid.

It's not an offer at all, it's an insult.

"If I, uh... Say no and you rent it out to a new tenant,

are you gonna get more rent than you've just asked me for?"

He said, "No."

I said, "Well, are you gonna offer them a one-year lease?"

He says, "No, but I..."

He says, "I have you over the barrel. You can't do anything.

You have to take it because you can't relocate."

So, he says, "Try it for a year; see if we like each other."

And I said, "You know, I mean, you know, from... from the evidence,

I... I don't think I'm ever gonna like you."

He said, "That's the best deal you're gonna get."

At that point, I realized that, uh,

you know, I was fucked.

That a lot of the things that we've created

because of our... Piecing.

The strength, it's almost like building something with ants or with big blocks.

That this... The sub-strengths

which help in the depth and the impact of the product

are going to disappear in a couple of weeks.

I mean, he doesn't go out, you know?

They don't, like, go to their friends' houses. They used to.

All of my dad's friends just come to him.

So if the restaurant's not there,

it's not like he lost his job, or his business, it's like he lost his life.

I go through mood swings on a really primal level.

You know, if you look at a personality development

as a line of soldiers marching forward,

there were ranks breaking way back.

A lot of the soldiers were marching forward into the battle of life,

but there were a lot of guys just, like, found a hole and crawled in;

they didn't go no place.

The only thing that's good about me

is that the troops keep marching forward to new battles,

and they don't dig in and say,

"This is it for us, we're done fighting,

we're now gonna relax and coast along,

and play poker and clean our rifles for the rest of our fucking life."

But, you know, life with one leg is just a limp.

I don't think I'd be a regular here if I, uh, wasn't his son.

I don't think I'd have the balls to come in here day after day.

It was somewhere in '86,

I came in and I just wanted to have a cup of coffee,

so of course I got thrown out the door.

But I wanted coffee, and I got shouted at.

But I came back with four friends and we got thrown out the door.

I had the honor of being kicked out.

I think everybody should.

He started shouting at her,

and my wife and I are sort of hiding behind our menus,

hoping that the whole thing would blow over.

"No fuckin' way!"

Then Kenny says, "Fuck you!"

You know, "Fuck off," What... you know, "Go away."

And I was afraid I was about to be banned from the restaurant.

From where I'm sitting, that's all part of the fun.

I don't feel sorry for them,

I'm just kind of like, "Ah, Dad!"

And the people we eschew strongest

who believe that they come into the restaurant and you're supposed to do something

other than open up, be open for 32 years, cook the food...

I reject that, totally.

I do more than they do, and they can go fuck themselves.

There was a guy there who I kicked out five years ago, who owned the place.

He came in with a group of six

and I kicked him out, and he says, "There's no one else in the restaurant!"

I says, "No, no, you're in the restaurant.

When you go, then there'll be nobody else in the restaurant.”

Well, I said, "Everybody who's a regular customer

knows you don't come in with more than four."

I said, "The fact you didn't know means you weren't a regular customer.

Who the fuck needs you?"

I said, "I should have to explain to you why we have the rule?

Do I have to explain to you

how when you make a rule you have to try hard to enforce it?"

At the end, right before I left,

I walked over and I gave him a great, big kiss on the lips...

No more, huh?

Yes, yes, yes, more!

Turkey in here, Jose.

Table over there...

Pick up!

You know, J.J.'s right, you don't need me for that.

Turkey Sloppy Joe salad.

Yeah, this is coming from the same place.

Pick up!

This oil's done.

Evie!

Yeah?

The "fakusas" are for John?

Yeah.

Now hold on, you put the dairy in there?

Si.

Egg burrito... scrambled, well done.

You know, if you're on television, they'll segue away,

and come back 10 minutes later after this is sautéed,

but I don't go for that shit.

I'm not waiting.

So I put a little bit of stock in, cover it,

and in just a few seconds, it'll totally fucking cook.

He always gives me nice, wholesome flavor...

Flavored, excellently cooked large portions of food.

And I always tell him, "No mushrooms in anything,

from the coffee on down."

I think this is the corned beef and cabbage, um, latkes?

You think?

I think.

The blisters on my sisters.

- And what is it? - Um, I'm not sure.

Chocolate orange French toast.

You know, there are a lot of things on our menu, if you put it together,

you can go someplace I've never been.

I took a banana boat and I put bananas in it,

and then I took an ice cream scoop and I made pulled pork and Cole slaw in...

Like, an ice cream, uh, sundae. And we called it a barbecue banana split.

It's almost like putting your dick in the wrong hole, you know?

There's, like, a thrill to it.

There's a friction that occurs when you put an ingredient in an improper dish.

That's the basis of all fusion cooking,

is that there's a sexual friction

that's caused by putting the wrong food in the wrong place.

And sometimes it works.

But not always.

Uh-oh, uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Uh-oh, that has cheese!

Tell him it has cheese. See if it comes back.

This is, uh, quinoa cilantro soup.

Chicken dumpling soup.

Sweet potato vegetable soup.

Russian cabbage soup with beef.

Chicken, tortilla, and avocado soup.

Senegalese shrimp soup.

Cuban black bean soup.

This is the favorite thing of mine that I make.

I don't have... You know...

Whatever my cooking abilities are,

my eating abilities are really basic.

I just love fucking chili.

The basis of it is that the deep meat flavor

comes from adding a little bit of coffee.

I've had some of this chili every day for the past 30 years and I really work on it.

It's Kenny who just gets better and better doing it.

What was wrong with this soup?

And I check on all the food too.

If anything's left over...

Hmm, why? And we'll taste it to make sure

that there's nothing wrong with it.

Hey, Kenny, what's up with the candy?

People take candy.

Are you... This is, like, a documentary...

Small question for a big answer?

Go fuck yourself.

Talk about how you fell in love with me when we came here,

and we made a special day 'cause I moved to California that...

To come here to Shopsin's, "cause we know it's shutting.

Are you still a couple?

No.

We were a couple 10 years ago.

Sadly, I guess to admit this, but while I loved you dearly,

I... I think it was the wild mushroom cream.

Ha ha!

So these are on e-Bay for $5.

This is like a $200 item.

It's also my tribute to the trade towers.

What time is it?

Two o'clock? That's all it is, is two o'clock? That sucks.

I could close this joint up

and get 500 square feet on Bleecker Street and sell burritos,

and make more money than I make now.

All of the things that you do right in this business,

don't do right because you're a wonderful person.

You do right because you have no fucking choice.

And of course, I don't always do everything right.

A lot of times, I fuck it up totally.

Burn this one, or under cook that one.

I've seen food come back and I look at it and I say,

"Whoa, what a fucking asshole you are, you are.

How could you do something like that?"

We had entered into a bad relationship with an exterminator.

Somebody found a roach in one of the soups about eight years ago.

It certainly doesn't mean anything in the history of the earth, you know?

But in your relationship with that person,

it's just you, them, and the soup.

Yeah, it's just like a huge event of incompetence on your part,

of, uh... unhappiness, when in fact they come to your place

rather than McDonald's or the supermarket

to get something other than good food, they get...

They want to get some satisfaction, and this woman didn't get anything.

Essentially, she got nothing but abuse.

No, no, it's a horrendous event for both parties.

So, yeah. That's happened here.

It's okay to do stupid things.

It's not okay to do stupid things when you notice them.

Not that we have high standards,

but then...

They're gonna put it in their mouth.

Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Oh, so we have a little taco-fried steak here.

A hot turkey sandwich with sausage stuffing

on black bread with cranberry relish.

"Chicken salad, turkey bacon and coleslaw.

The "Edmonton."

"Cilantro, pistachio, curry, grilled chicken.

Portobello mushrooms with gnocchi and cashews.

Okra chowder and date nut rice.

Egg burrito cheese melt.

My food is loaded with butter.

Sorry, it's just a dead fly.

You know, and I wonder sometimes

about the morality of my profession,

as to whether or not what I'm doing is... is essentially wrong.

Not the service part, not the sentiment part, but that...

that I'm an enabler.

But the reason I justify it is that I ride a motorcycle, which is equally stupid.

That if you want to eat pancakes with sugared fruit on top,

and you get a good deal of pleasure from doing that,

you have the right to pursue that pleasure,

just like the guy who sells me the motorcycle.

It's not really my place to judge these people. That's what freedom is all about.

Where is it? Is it not here?

Now it's the end of the shift and I'm tired.

All the food blends together in my head.

It doesn't matter.

I'm sorry, it's nothing to do with you guys, it has to do with... We can't handle it.

This is the end of it.

- Okay, it's just too much for him. - We know it is.

He's my father; I'm not gonna burden him with this on Father's Day.

Okay? I'm sorry.

It's kind of like the rules of the place in general,

like, you either know them or you don't.

Like, a friend brings you in, you know the rules,

because they tell you,

and if you walk in off the street, you know, you're in for a surprise.

Okay, so, should I read the whole thing?

Yes, please.

You could put a chair at the end

or push the tables together, but don't bother.

This banged-up little restaurant where you would expect no rules at all

has a firm policy against seating parties of five.

And you know you are a party of five."

"It doesn't matter if one of you offers to leave

or if you said... If you say you can split into a party of three and a party of two..."

That's what we said!

"Or if the five of you come back tomorrow

in Richard Nis... Richard Nixon masks

and try to pretend that you don't know each other,

it won't work, you're a party of five.

Even if you're a beloved regular,

even if the place is empty,

even if you bring logic to bear,

even if you're a tackle for the Chicago Bears, it won't work, you're a party of five.

You'll always be a party of five.

100 blocks from here, 100 years from now, you'll still be a party of five."

Oh my God!

We... That's what happened to us!

I can't believe it!

A poem about us.

Could you come in if you were six?

Shopsin's does not do take-out.

In fact, you might get your head bitten off if you ask for them to do something.

But, they... they fed me, you know?

I mean, I was really, really ill, and they would do...

You know, they would put stuff together in containers

and friends would come over and pick it up and bring it over.

And I don't know, that's just...

It sounds all sentimental and everything but you don't...

You don't forget gestures like that because...

It makes you feel like you really are home.

Somebody who truly tries to create something beautiful and lovely,

and people who create things to neutralize

the venom that they produce every night in their dreams,

and I'm definitely the second type.

That I cook to neutralize some type of...

Freudian-mother-breast-related problem

that resurges in me just like old faithful, all the time.

And I can't...

And I can't get rid of it.

It's in there. It's in there...

It's mixed in worse than aids could be mixed in.

I used to think that the only way for change was through Freudian analysis,

that there is no hope other than that.

I went, like, 14 years, 5 days a week.

It takes you back to the point in your life where you stop developing normally,

and it uses the psychiatrist as a good parent,

and you just grow up all over again in a short period of time.

But there may be other ways, I'm not... That's not my field of expertise.

I know it's really hard... It's really hard.

It's like trying to find something that you haven't lost.

The guy that eats here, who was gonna be my lawyer

to help me try and do something with this place, and this landlord says,

"You know, I have a space in my place that might be good for you."

And I said, "Sure."

"Cause to me, that's like... That's like the golden tone,

is when somebody I know

who's already been involved with me for some other serendipitous reason,

suggests that we deepen our relationship.

A lot of what I do in my job is merely helping wealthy people get wealthier.

I didn't have the courage to step in the front door

because of their reputation in the neighborhood.

If you look straight down there over the top of that post office truck,

you'll see a bulbous, green awning.

That's it.

It actually seemed like a perfect suggestion to bring Kenny here,

because it's only two blocks away.

And he's been kind of my advocate in this all.

When my brother and stepbrother

wandered by the restaurant and saw Kenny asleep in the front window,

um, my stepbrother turned to my brother and said, "You're kidding, right?"

Richard decided that the best way... In fact, the only way to accurately determine

whether or not Kenny's food was of a caliber that...

Richard felt was appropriate for a restaurant in our building,

was to try it out incognito.

And so Richard dressed up in a beret and a pair of sunglasses

and had a lunch, and somewhat begrudgingly

reported to my brother that the food was excellent

and that the service was courteous and friendly.

Um, and to Richard's credit,

when it looked like Kenny was going to lose at the last board meeting,

it was Richard who said,

"You know, I think that maybe we should give this guy a chance."

So, the other place... You know, Mark, for all the bullshit with his brother,

they're all decent people

who treat other human beings with respect, even people that don't deserve it,

which is the big demarcation point, I think, in human behavior.

If you treat people with respect who don't deserve it,

it's a mark of high civilization.

Because you never know who's only temporarily deserving of bad behavior,

so you try to treat everybody with a morality that makes you a good person,

not whether or not they deserve to be treated well.

And I feel really much more comfortable with those people.

Shut the fuck up, Sam!

I didn't want to leave the neighborhood.

The right thing to do was what my daughter Melinda said,

and that's to go out to Brooklyn and buy a building on Smith Street,

'cause that's all the money I had left.

Or not to lose my money in the stock market, and buy this building

and stay here forever, in my own fucking museum.

And we found out six weeks before I was due

that we were having twins, and I called Kenny

and for the only time I can remember in my whole life,

Kenny was speechless.

I don't know how I did it.

I would be able to nurse them standing up.

Two of them at the same time.

I'd be packing groceries, you know...

And then we would just ship them off with a customer

when it got too crazy.

He loves doing the brunch on Sunday.

And for me, it's a nice break.

Let them run it, and...

it's okay if the restaurant has a life without me for a day a week.

You know, I like cooking, I like cooking for people,

but I don't know if I'd like it for the rest of my life.

Are you good at it?

Yeah, I'm good at it. It's in my blood.

Ah, we've been friends for over 35 years.

I was the best man at his wedding.

Oh, I think definitely, definitely, they're chips off the old block.

You're putting too much thought, just do it!

Now what do I do?

Okay?

Ow! Not okay! Fuck.

I'm really glad you helped me out there, Mara.

That was a lot of fun.

- And I burnt my fingers. - Good.

Notice how everybody deserted me and left it for me to clean everything up?

That's the difference between being a parent and an employer.

What do you do in the summer?

Work with... for this motherfucker.

I mean, he's got some really fucking weird, half-baked philosophies.

Like, has he ever given you the whole thing, like,

he thinks until your kids are 18, you should be able to kill them if you want?

There are in this city,

a large number of people whose hobby is not going out and getting fist-fucked,

and is not going out and collecting porcelain dolls.

Their hobby is going out and going to restaurants.

A lot of people don't understand that in most kitchens,

everything that's ordered...

gets cooked by somebody.

You ask your mama for a peanut butter sandwich,

your mama takes some fucking bread,

takes some fucking peanut butter and makes you a fucking sandwich.

It's the same thing that happens in this place,

except I'm not your mama.

My family always orders pain-in-the-ass shit.

I think it's a way to get even.

Most like my dad?

None of us.

None of us. None of us at all.

Us all combined probably are like Kenny.

I think I think more like he does,

and so I know what he's gonna say before he says it,

and I kind of... I counter his mind.

I'm not like my dad.

I'm like my mom.

I do everything that my dad hates about her.

I have all those attributes.

- Like what? - Um, I'm lazy,

I know how to have fun, which he doesn't like 'cause Kenny does not know how to have fun.

That's his biggest problem in the world. He doesn't know how to relax.

He doesn't know how to relax...

- He doesn't know how to have fun! - He has fun!

He says, "Zach, I know one of your best attributes

is that you can sit there and have fun for the rest of your life.

I cannot do it, I need to work."

He has fun working!

He can have fun working,

but he doesn't completely let himself go like me or mom do it.

God, now you're gonna make me feel bad,

'cause you have, like, the camera in my face.

It's all right, it's not like anyone needs to know about you.

I know, it's like looking into a mirror of your soul,

'cause it's the...

What we gotta do is get my dad stoned.

That's what I've been saying for, like, 15 years.

God, it's been so long. I love that.

And he was talking about how they used to... take a glass of Coke...

Like half Coke, half, like, fucking rubbing alcohol,

and they'd fucking just chug the thing and like...

He told me when I was a little kid

he used to put grease on, like, these really steep hills,

and him and his friends used to go hide in the bushes

and watch cars slide down, like, for real.

Fucking crazy bastard. And he screams at me!

Bottom line, I got to have one $700-a-week employee to clean up all the time.

That means I have to make 700 hamburgers.

That means I have to have 700 customers, extra.

And to have to do more business, either I'm gonna be in the kitchen more,

or the food that goes out is gonna be less good.

Okay...

And we have a few questions too.

This is too small for me!

I think that's smart.

That... that's a mission.

We'll do that together.

But when you have the 20 tables, the waiter, they knows what table it is.

Okay, I was just curious.

Dad!

Yes.

The handles on these fridges...

But it looks like it stays closed.

Yeah, stay closed.

And we have it for five years, like this.

I believe you.

You know what I mean?

And you're not buying the business from us,

- you know, we're giving you for free. - I understand.

So don't ask too much... For a little thing, please.

We are sick already, then. Let... Let us go, just finally.

You know what I mean?

The detail thing, you know...

You weren't feeling that way when you went from 30,000 to 50,000.

Stop it! Look, look... The two of you, please?

You know something? I'll tell you something!

Tell me something.

- We... We... We have a deal... - Samir. Samir.

And we have some people offer us 300,000 fucking thousand dollars.

- 300 fucking thousand dollars in this place. - Samir.

You know, two weeks ago before that happened, someone...

- Just please, don't... - Okay.

We are giving you everything,

and we wish you good luck.

- Samir? Samir? Samir? Samir? - Kenny. Kenny. Kenny. Kenny.

Samir? You're right, I'm wrong.

I apologize. I'm sorry.

- You're absolutely right. I'll stop... - We going out with nothing!

We have kids and family. Since when I talked to your wife...

- I'll stop acting like an asshole, -All right.

I'm sorry. Okay?

- Okay, you accept my apology? - All right.

I'm very sorry. Okay, let's go to the basement.

Air conditioner, exhaust system, walk-in boxes... That's a walk-in box.

Steel shelving, tables, chairs,

dishes, glasses, cutlery.

I'm giving him a chance to object. If he wants to object, but he's not objecting.

See you tomorrow, Samir.

And I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean to.

I didn't mean to upset you.

It was not my intention.

Yeah, nothing new to us.

But I have this strong feeling that this awareness of myself and my position in things...

Some guy gave me a huge amount of money

to help me in the move 'cause I'm broke from my stupidity in the stock market,

and three other people have offered me money.

And all of a sudden, I feel like a cross between...

an endangered species and a closet intellectual.

Come talk to me about it.

Start the proceedings against...

He could.

If they have a lawyer who's really smart, they'll get a year.

- What do we do during that year? - I don't mind...

There's just nothing we can do about it.

It's beyond our ability to do anything.

It's just the first time, I mean...

And you should do... You know, you're too young,

but you should put yourself in their position.

They took that space 18 years ago.

Eighteen years ago, that was two crappy stores.

The bathrooms, the floors, the ceiling...

They don't want to leave.

Now you're angry at me?

The first time I saw it, I was just stricken by that.

I'm not saying anything, I'm just telling you how I feel,

and you're like, you got angry at me last night...

I got angry last night because you were...

Then you weren't angry enough not to bring it up now.

I have to cook with her today. I've got to be nice to her.

She gets... When she gets mean...

When she gets mean, she's no fun to cook with.

And you know, she's a very sweet, lovely girl,

but when she cooks, she's vicious.

Now she's telling you, "He hasn't shut up for two days.

He's running his fucking mouth like he's stoned."

That's what she's saying.

He'll have to deal with stuff he doesn't want to deal with.

Whether growth is forced upon you or...

or you dive into it.

You know, it's something that helps you...

Uh, mature, maybe, a little bit, into a more graceful life.

It's gonna take forever to fix that place up.

Forever.

Mara said it to me so much, I yelled at her last night.

She keeps saying that we're getting ripped off,

that everything they have is old,

moldy, non-working.

They have a fucking...

And not suited to us!

And not suited to us.

You ever see "Woman in the Dunes?"

It's about a guy, through some circumstance, finds himself in this deep pit with a woman.

And he's not sure how he got there, exactly.

And the woman is loving.

You know, and they have sex.

And he has to get up every morning

and he has to dig sand out,

put it in a bucket, pull the string,

and the bucket goes up and automatically dumps the sand out.

If he doesn't do that, they get buried in sand.

And sometimes, without the spiritual part of my life,

it feels like that, you know?

I guess it feels that way to everybody, right?

You know, although I don't really mind digging sand, to tell you the truth.

He calls me up yesterday... last night.

And at one o'clock today, I'm supposed to go... I have a certified check for $50,000.

That's it. Then I go to the Magic Carpet, it's my place.

He tells me that there's a place on Hudson Street, a store.

This is a business, you know?

I don't have the option to overlook a lease possibility.

And it's so nice, you know, that somebody wanted,

you know, somebody that we thought really didn't like us all that much,

that shouldn't come in that often,

to know that she was touched by our position.

Things like this have been just happening from all over the place,

and that's been so good for our souls.

So she's now offering me this premises, which really isn't a restaurant,

right around the corner,

supposedly at a better rent.

I have to decide really quick if it's better.

Eve, if you keep taking breakfast orders, we're never gonna go to the restaurant.

Maybe I'll send Jose over.

I think he loved it.

I think the problem is that we were already too far into that deal.

What do you think we should do?

I don't know.

Well, give me an answer. I have to decide at 1:15 today what to do.

It's not a matter of... it being an intellectual exercise.

This is... We're in reality.

On the 30th of this month, I have to be out of this fucking space.

- How much work is it? - How much work is it?

There's nothing. It is raw space.

There's no walls, there's no floors, and it'll take time.

We don't have time.

You really want to go for the big shot, huh?

Yeah, that's what... Remember, we talked about it,

that you were gonna move forward, and...

Blah blah blah? Remember that?

- Yeah, but you know I'm a whore. - I know.

This is another part of what I do.

I have additions, I have corrections and I constantly edit the list.

This is in the great tradition of all good kitchens,

this type of shopping.

It's just the level of which I do it

is appropriate for the level of my creativity and of my station in life.

I know who I am, I know what I do.

Normal cooking for normal people.

You see any arrows on these bags?

I opened it right up.

A lot of people, if there's not an arrow on the bag,

they're in a lot of fucking trouble.

You never know when you're gonna need to open a plastic bag either.

Nothing that you see here

will exist by next week.

It's a different place, it's different people.

It's nice.

Is the... national vegetable apparatus

more humane than the national beef apparatus?

The harvest of those lovely organic vegetables that your wife eats,

there's some fucking Brown person

getting his skin ripped off his body while he picks it.

Dying at 35 instead of 68,

because they're... malnourished and overworked,

living in a place with disease and vermin,

and being paid money in a... plantation system

which always finds a way, just like our government does,

to take back almost all the money they give you.

Because if you end up with a lot of money at the end of the growing season,

you won't go back. You'll go somewhere else.

You'll buy a fucking pair of shoes and get a job in the post office.

Now in the new restaurant, if I do do the shopping,

this big change in my life is I'm gonna have to go right on Clarkson Street

instead of going right on Morton Street,

which is okay for me because the Morton Street people

are not as nice as they think they are.

This guy's supposed to meet somebody here for breakfast and we're closed?

What do you think?

He doesn't look happy.

Then we're gonna open the gate up and he's gonna feel good for a second,

then he's gonna feel bad again.

So you guys, shoot him, to see if I'm right?

Yeah.

This is Shopsin's?

There was a moment there where you had a glimmer of hope?

Well, yeah, about... a second.

Despite the fact that you read the paper and everything?

No, I didn't read anything.

Oh, there, it says right on the gate.

Where?

Oh, okay, so it's a trick.

What new address do you want the... Our new restaurant to have?

28 Bedford Street or 54 Carmine?

I'm tempted for Carmine.

I think it makes more sense to have Carmine...

And it's a nicer name, to have a new...

"Cause otherwise you're gonna be explaining, "The entrance is on Carmine..."

Carmine is a hard syllable. I think it might be a new image for us.

Yeah.

The last time in a segment to your life

is less difficult to accept than the last time in your life.

And this is the thing where I come out all right...

Because for all of the things that have gone wrong,

it's an opportunity for regret.

You never know... Regrets are like children.

You don't really know if you really want to have them

till it's too late to do anything about it.

And... I don't have that many regrets.

And yet despite my real affection for this place, the bond that I'm gonna miss

is the bond of enforced confinement.

I would hate very much to go from one physical dependency on environment

to another one.

But to float free,

it's not so easy for somebody who's been dependent on environment for his stability.

I don't really want to go out and plow the fields with everybody else,

but I'm not really interested in living in Iowa in the mountains someplace either.

So, we'll see what happens.

I'm happy that everyone's here. It's like a family affair.

Shopsin's.

Uh, this is our last day, so it's kind of floating free,

I can't tell you a thing, except we're open now.

It should be fun if it doesn't get too busy.

How you doing?

Hi again.

Years in the business have taught me that if you cook too fast, they leave,

then you have to cook again.

When I was really young, I was as heavy as I am now,

and I lived at 38 Morton Street next to a woman who was really crazy.

I mean, every time I came home,

"You fat, Jew bastard."

Every night, for years!

And then I went on, like, a diet and I lost a lot of weight,

and one night I came home,

and she says, "You Jew bastard."

And I went there... I said, "Holy shit, she complimented me."

And I turned around and I said, "Thanks, Betty!"

We were sitting and eating, and they had a bris here.

And the... Mohel,

cutter of the weenie, came and, uh...

He wasn't extremely thrilled about the place because there was a big 20-pound ham

cooking up on the counter.

And I think he disliked Kenny so much

he said something nasty to him about the weenie

that he'd just worked on,

and Kenny went charging after the guy and was screaming at him.

Everybody all day was absolutely persuaded

that Zach's foreskin ended up in one of the dishes...

Or perhaps in several.

Perhaps the new place will open up some things for Kenny

in terms of the kind of cooking he can do.

It's whatever he wants to do.

It's... I know that it will be an interesting experience for me...

And he's walking around behind me and this is terrifying me,

because I don't know what he's doing and he's so unpredictable!

I haven't been over to look at that place.

I guess it looks suspiciously like a restaurant though.

I haven't seen the new place, don't know nothing about it.

This place has something in it that no other place has.

What do you think that is?

Chutzpah.

The vibes are great. It's just a great place to sit and eat

and you never know what's gonna come out of his mouth.

What?

Chocolate orange French toast with maple glaze and a side of bacon!

Yeah?

But don't come.

This is our last day, we're not taking any new customers.

It's all finished for the day.

Yes. Thank you.

Asshole.

If he ever changes, I'll kill him.

I hope it's a psychological reaction to being kicked out of here, is that I'm... Out.

I don't feel like cooking here anymore.

You know, and she is, uh, taking command.

If it wasn't for her organizing things, I wouldn't be even in the ballpark here.

- ♪ Some other enchanted evening... ♪ - I'm just putting... Just save a slice!

- ♪ You may meet a stranger ♪ - As long as...

♪ You may meet a stranger ♪

Not much stranger.

♪ Not much stranger, across a crowded baguette ♪

I mean, the guy's been closing here

over the past few weeks.

He's still creating dishes.

Ken once recently described this place as being like the rings on a tree,

where he can look around and see things that are from last week.

And he can look around and see things that are... 15 years ago.

I'm happy there's going to be a new place.

I'm sure it will be as uniquely Shopsin's as this was, in just... in another way.

John, do you want a Pellegrino?

Uh, please, hon. Thank you.

They know what I want.

See the cup?

That's some... After I do this, it drips sometimes.

So that, after it dripped and we cleaned it up a lot of times,

the solution to the drip...

Was this.

And the problem with leaving this place

is that the whole place is loaded with my solutions.

Kenny would give everything away.

Money's not that important, it's the... End result of doing a good job.

You know, some people play a role

in helping people feel better,

and sometimes they do it just by being themselves.

You know, the store brought us everything, you know?

It fed us, it gave us intellectual stimulation.

Um... it opened so many doors to us.

Whenever you needed to know anything, there was a customer who was just the person.

What do you think about the change, moving over to the new place?

I don't fucking like it.

You know, my son, when he was really young,

and the first time he actually took a shit in the toilet...

Flushed the toilet, his shit's swirling around,

and he looks at it and he says, "Have a nice trip."

Meaning that that wasn't shit to him: That was part of him

that's going away on a journey.

And this is, you know, I'm saying "Have a nice trip" to my store.

Okay, I just lost my fucking piece of paper. Son of a bitch.

I had a piece of paper with a list of things to do

and I lost the piece of paper.

What an asshole.

Mom?

Can you wake up Zach and have him come over now?

I'm sweating in the fucking kitchen

working my balls off so I can pay you!

Scumbag.

Talk to Evie about all that shit, I don't want to be bothered with it,

fucking douche bag.

What's Zach doing?

Sleep.

He's not waking up.

You know...

I can't wait till he fucking goes to college. I won't have to deal with his shit anymore.

A fucking jerk.

Are you closed?

Yes.

Till when?

Forever.

It's open next month.

It's open next month?

Forever! Tell him forever. It's forever. This place is never gonna be open.

Don't be nice to people.

It's a big mistake.

I'm gonna go over to the house and physically assault him.

Good you're not gonna be there.

- I missed it. - Yeah.

I thought it was going to be this week.

We move fast, Ron.

There it is.

So Mara doesn't know where you hook the phone up.

When you contracted, did you contract to have the phone service done into the building?

Yes.

Where? You don't know.

Who do you think might know?

Who knows? Nobody? You don't know anything?

You haven't a clue, is that right?

I don't know.

Cool. That's really cool.

I have to run over there now.

I want all the artwork and everything loaded into the van.

See if you can do it without fucking things up.

Oh, this is Kenny, and this is how he reacts to things,

and I just don't pay any attention to him.

If I had got upset about everything he did and every name he called me,

you know, I would be in big trouble.

I've developed techniques, and I just leave.

You know, go outside for a few minutes, or I go in the bathroom, or just... you know.

Got it on?

I don't understand, Zach.

I put in an hour, and then I go...

What does your ticket say?

I told you to buy the soda, I told you to put the parking in there.

I did, and then fucking I go over and put in another fucking 50 cents in there

and fucking there's a ticket.

I'm telling you, the guy must have sat and waited

for the exact second the shit ran out, 'cause...

Well, why didn't you keep the meter going?

"Cause I was fucking working!

- You don't get it? You really don't get it? - I get it. I get it, I get it.

You really don't get it, do you, Zach?

This is, like, un-fucking-believable.

I ask you to do a fucking job and you don't do it.

It's really simple, isn't it?

What's to get?

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. You don't think it's unbelievable?

You stole the fucking extra money, right?

- You took the extra... - It's in my fucking pocket!

You took the extra money,

you bought an ice cream with it,

but you didn't do what you were supposed to do!

- I did fucking do that, but I... - Are you telling me

that you got that meter going?

And that, that meter maid is...

Are you telling me you did what you were supposed to do?

I guess I...

You're right. I fucked up.

What would it have cost you to go out there and put another two quarters in?

Nothing.

- Then why? - I don't know.

Well, try to think about it, Zach!

I don't know, I was busy working, I was moving chairs and shit...

You were busy doing something that didn't have a deadline,

and you gave up something that did.

Sorry.

The thing is, he's so good at arguing,

that quite often, he'll win arguments where he's wrong.

They, like, can't imagine ever telling their dad, you know, telling their dad to fuck off.

He'll yell at us, we'll yell at him.

And it's... just the way it is.

And I'm hoping in the new place, where he's in the kitchen,

that there's gonna be less of that.

You know, you're getting on my fucking nerves now!

I can't do anything until the kitchen works.

But first I have to get out of here, otherwise they're gonna lock all my shit up,

and I'm gonna look stupid.

I'm looking for Shopsin's.

"It's hard to recommend Shopsin's,

but it's even harder to leave it out.

The temperament of chef/owner Kenny Shopsin makes dining a risk.

If he doesn't like your attitude, he won't hesitate to throw you out.

A shame, considering you'd be missing a selection

of more than 200 soups and hundreds of entrees,

each prepared a la minute.

One of the best meals is breakfast.

Offerings include homemade pumpkin pancakes,

corn and cornmeal waffles

that will keep you feeling full for the entire day.

The coffee is good, but you have to get it yourself.

If you don't like it, you know what you can do."

On Friday night, um...

I had dinner with a few friends, and we were the last people out and...

Got talking to Eve, and she said,

"If you have nothing better to do on Monday or Tuesday, come on by."

They're loyal Shopsin customers as well,

so it was like one phone call, and they were like, "Hell yeah!"

Oooh!

Dad, what do you want to take next?

Jesus...

This stove is six stoves.

40% of the stove from Sloppy Louie's,

and the 60% spare parts... Every burner is different.

It has no legs; all the oven racks are different;

each oven has a different burner in it;

the pilots haven't worked for 15 years.

This one looks like a whore's ass.

Scratches and bumps, a little bit bowed,

and if you pour something on it, it always goes to the left.

If that flame goes on accidentally

and the oil heats up too much, it'll explode.

Just push it down the hole.

Take it with me.

You know, maybe they'll use it as a cheap headstone.

You know, this place is put together

like somebody who wants to have a jigsaw puzzle

and he assembles it one piece at a time.

He cuts them all.

I'm moving to a different neighborhood,

and I felt there in the first three or four days that I was there,

a good deal of hostility, anger.

Anger that I was the cause of the Magic Carpet's demise.

Anger that, uh...

I'm the harbinger of change,

and I guess for most of the older people there it means that they're closer to death.

And then I felt that if I did something that was too cocky,

to put up an awning with no sign...

Cocky, anonymous, exclusive.

I decided that it was an unfriendly act to go in there with my own style,

and that I should moderate my style to include words

and something that people could relate to and understand

so that I wouldn't be a stranger in a strange land.

You know, it's like... It's like it's not there

and you just float around the city like you're in a dream.

You're attacked by the sights, the sounds and the smells.

Every neighborhood smells different.

Crusty, the crusty... Probably Bruno over there.

Nice brown crust on the bread with maybe sesame seeds.

Kenny says he's about a week away.

Jose!

I need Jose.

I've been kind of crippled,

emotionally and physically, too.

I've been very enervated all the time by the burden of mental things.

It's left some room for her to assert her capabilities

as opposed to constantly being whacked around by my, uh...

Effusive expression of competence.

I'm ready. Yeah, yeah, it didn't take long.

I mean, it was really nice having a little bit of space in my life, which I never have,

"cause I'm generally just running, running, running,

rushing in everything that I have to do.

One, two, three cheeses. What else?

And on top of that...

Peppers, mushrooms, bok choy.

We need lemons and limes up too, Jose!

Okay, what else, Jose? What else do we put in this fucking place?

I'll probably have my same customers and an occasional personal drop-in, but I'm...

Cheap... Per product.

In other words, the hamburger is big and the meat is fresh,

but I'm expensive, uh, openers.

You know, like when you're in a poker game,

where you can't play the game unless you have jacks or better?

The entry price here is high.

I don't... I don't have a 99 cent special.

There's not much you can get for 6 bucks either.

Once you get over the entry price

you get your money's worth, but you have to be willing to...

That's the way I did it years ago. See, I didn't want to have a...

An adversarial relationship with my customers.

I wanted them to be at a point where they could give me enough money

that I don't have to worry whether they get 2 ounces or 10 ounces,

or whether I put in macadamia nuts or I put in peanuts.

It's growth!

You know, I'm very happy that at this stage in our life...

It's exciting doing something new.

I went over just the egg dishes, so if somebody orders eggs,

I think I can do it.

I called and left a message, and the eggs should come tomorrow.

If they don't, they don't. I'll use the regular.

I think.

I'm just... I'm always amazed that he gets up every morning

and he doesn't complain, and, like, he's on his feet all day long,

he's cooking and he's lifting, like, huge pots with, like, chicken and turkey,

and he doesn't take any vacations.

Always, constantly, every day.

And like, just every day.

It's a serious problem.

Not being able to find the ingredients for my own fucking food.

I don't know where the hot sauce is.

Where do you think the salsa is?

Now I can't find the garlic either.

I'm about to get angry.

They're gonna be in.

They're gonna be, uh, wanting food.

Bingo.

You can tell that I haven't been working for a while.

I still have a little hair on my arm.

It's usually when you do this, you just get distracted for a second,

and when it comes out, it looks like this: "Boom!"

It gets into a subject that really has not much to do with me

but has to do with humanity.

A great lack in America.

The great... belief that was our floor.

Once we lost our Christian background, or whatever the fuck we had,

we never intellectually, as a country,

tried to figure out what the meaning of life is.

You know, we still don't.

All these issues about terrorism,

race, "in education," and school prayer,

they'd be a lot simpler if we had a meaning of life going for us.

Not that that's easy to achieve,

but nobody seems to be looking.

Am I, with my busy work,

seeking to inject meaning into my life...

Where the fuck is the marinara sauce?

The way that I choose to function

is to pick a arbitrary stupid goal,

become totally involved in it,

and pursue it with vigor,

and what happens to you in that pursuit

is your life.

Understand they're stupid, but not stupid to pursue,

because it's the only way you can inject meaning into your life.

Otherwise you're left with this great "Why bother?"

No, it wasn't supposed to start yesterday,

I wasn't open yesterday, it's supposed to start today!

So you don't have any extra baguettes?

Make sure I get a dozen baguettes tomorrow, please?

Yeah, and call that fucking asshole up

and tell him he's an asshole, "cause I don't have the patience.

Bye, Victor. Bye.

Oh, much better!

Yeah, this one much better.

I like being here.

I like the floor, I like everything.

Mucho clean, it's nice.

So I don't expect that much new business,

but I may be wrong.

Where the fuck are the shrimp, Jose?

What is it? What you want?

Pear walnut soup.

He happened to be very fortunate that he was forced to make the right decision.

You can tell I'm important. I got a double order of chorizo.

"The customer isn't always right" is one of my favorites.

Um...

Lunch special, two beef tacos with potato curry.

At some point when it's really busy

and Jose, we're totally immersed for an hour, two hours,

totally zoned out, totally involved in the details of what we're doing,

totally gone...

That's when it becomes peaceful.

That's what makes it a seductive thing to do.

You feel cleansed afterwards. Better than a good night's sleep.

It's all in his head,

whatever he has in there that is his idea for that dish.

And that's something that should make that restaurant work

wherever it is.

Turkey lamb is gone.

Nice!

It makes me so fucking happy.

Yeah...

Some of them go twice, you know.

This is special chicharron.

In other words, they get to be

and they go there to get a shock,

and they fly away and they come back and they get another shock.

Coraje de perra, chop chop.

We got stoned to go to the movies,

and the movie was over and people were eating and fucking themselves to death.

And all we wanted to do was eat and fuck.

And since we were out, we decided we would eat.

And the very first restaurant we came to, we swore we'd eat in.

Very first McDonald's to open in Manhattan.

Three large, athletic black males

with sawed-off shotguns come in, screaming at the manager...

telling him to open the safe.

There's a third guy just standing in the center with a shotgun

turning around, watching everybody.

All this is going on, and your mother,

who had gotten French fries and was interrupted by the robbers,

got up, went to the counter to get ketchup,

and then came back and sat and ate her French fries.

You know, we never made a lot of money, but...

we got tickets to the... You know, whatever.

Like, my Rolling Stones tickets, you know... To me, music.

There's the Rolling Stones and there's everybody else.

And every time the Rolling Stones came to town, I would try to get tickets,

and at the very last minute, someone would come through with...

primo seats. Yeah.

This is like, another one of my half-baked philosophies:

The first duty of everybody in life is to realize that they're a piece of shit.

They're selfish, they're self-centered,

they're not very good.

And that you're willing to sacrifice 20,000 people in another country

just so that you can, uh, go to, uh... a Wings concert.

You'll sacrifice the lives

of 100,000 Chinese, uh, female babies

just so that you can rent this fucking camera and do your stupid art project.

No problem!

You're a piece of shit.

Once you realize you're a piece of shit, it's not so hard to take.

Because then you don't have this feeling

that you're a good person all the time.

And let me tell you something.

Feeling that you're a good person all the time

is like having a brand-new car with no scratches on it.

It's a real responsibility

which is almost impossible to live up to.

Being a piece of shit

and then occasionally doing something that's good and true,

it's a much easier place to be.

I think that's really important

and I always tried to raise my kids to understand

that they're not that terrific

and that not being that terrific, that's okay, "cause most people who say they are terrific...

Bill Clinton, Cardinal Egan...

Anybody you want to talk about.

They're not so terrific.

Martha Stewart!

They're not so fucking terrific either, and there's no...

nothing wrong with being not so terrific, you know?

In fact, it's what the whole ball game is about.

It's about being not so terrific and accepting it.

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ birds chirping ]

[ rumbling motorcycle engine ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

That refrigerator wasn't fucking closed like it should be.

I'm turning the steam table on.

When there's too much ice, no dice.

And it leaks 'cause the drain system doesn't work.

No.

No.

No.

Yes.

I'm going over my list that I made for today.

I already defrosted that refrigerator.

It needs to be defrosted twice a day, every fucking day.

I cooked the lamb...

[ rattling ]

This refrigerator has never been grounded properly.

We're not sure why.

I would be getting shocked, constant shock, high electricity going through my body.

This rack, which just barely holds on,

if I don't put the coconut underneath, the weight of all the other shit just snaps it off.

You see, there's not enough clearance

between the shelf and the container

to get the container in and out over that little lump.

The whole place is like that.

If you don't do what you're supposed to do

you get punished right away.

Something horrible happens, you know?

Which causes you to do penance, you know?

In this particular instance I'd be on my hands and knees

not just cleaning up the shit on the fucking floor...

but having to fiddle the shelf back onto its hinges and shit like that.

You know, it's the way you solve things around your house.

It's not like you have a servant and a handyman coming.

You do what the fuck you can do when you can do it.

I like candy ass, you know?

Things that are human scale,

human expressions of ingenuity and reality.

The kind of stuff that everybody has on their sitcoms on television,

but who they don't want...

They don't want that to happen in their fucking life

because it's not safe; it's not right.

I mean, that's not really a right way to run a refrigerator the way I do it.

[ clattering ]

The bread man used to steal from us.

And this is the other thing my kids do wrong, they always set it at different numbers,

whereas my wife always sets it at the same number, it's easy.

So, just so that there'll be no problem with the bread man stealing anything.

That feels like a sweet potato, no?

I took a drill

and I reamed out the burners so they deliver twice as much gas.

I almost do better with assholes.

It's a very adversarial relationship, a restaurant,

with new customers. With old customers,

it's really intimate and family-like.

But all new customers, "cause I've been here like 32 years,

they have to prove it to me

that they're okay to feed.

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

Three soft-boiled eggs, shreds, and black toast.

This is kind of like feeling somebody's pussy up,

you know? You...

You get to put this thing in your hand that has, like... This, like, you know?

You know what I mean? This, like, viscous feel to it.

It's not bad at all.

Hmm?

And then when you cook it,

it cooks different too. It's much friendlier than cooking eggs.

[ bell ringing ]

Pick up!

Everybody is seven years old.

This is a mature person.

Has a job, a family, he's gonna die someday,

and he's gonna go to Wall Street

and slaughter the Third World Nations today.

And he's having chocolate chip pancakes for fucking breakfast.

Good for him, huh?

Hi, Jose.

Man: Well, the relationship with my dad and Jose

is kind of different than he's had with any other employees,

because Jose is like, kind of like part of the family.

Kenny: Now, Jose and I,

on the level of what we do for each other,

we're like a perfect team.

Because despite our great emotional and intellectual and language differences,

we both most like to do the kitchen dance.

He accommodates me because I'm a fat, old, nasty Jew,

just like some white guy who has a Latin partner and does the samba,

and have nothing else in common.

And when we dance together, we're really good partners.

Okay, rye bread? Woman: Yeah.

Eve: Kenny and I are very opposite in this way.

He is much more pessimistic than I am. I'm optimistic; I'm more of a fatalist,

and I feel that I'm a lucky person.

Things work out for me, you know?

Knock on wood, I have five... Wait a minute.

[ knocking ] Yeah.

Five healthy children who love each other.

That's the thing that I feel best about.

I love coming in the morning,

early, 9:00, 10:00 in the morning,

sitting in this bench with my dad or my mom and, like, getting the paper.

And when it's not that busy,

I'll cook someone some food and come sit back down.

It just feels, you know, really nice.

And I think, I guess as a customer, it'd probably be the same thing.

Man: It's a neighborhood thing, it's a family thing.

It's not just the greatest restaurant

where he cooks one of 900 dishes from scratch in a couple minutes and it's unbelievable.

It's my kitchen, you know?

I'm four doors down the street, and I fall into my kitchen.

Coming to this place, I feel like me.

It's the only restaurant I can go into, and walk in...

Whatever lousy mood I'm in, it changes immediately.

And I tell Kenny, "I'd like some ebelskivers"

and Kenny says, "Fuck that, I'm done with the grill,

I ain't making you skivers.

You want skivers, have 'em for dessert, you got to have lunch first."

He says, "Kym, you want the skivers, come back here, show me your tits."

Most worthwhile flash I've ever done.

Never got sued... Eve: Knock on wood.

I don't have any.

But that... that's it; We didn't have any... You know, we didn't kill anybody.

Eve: Well, a couple of people have threatened to kill Kenny!

But that's only because I am who I am, not because of anything I did.

I always would order this Patsy's cashew chicken

and scallions and lemon juice and cashews.

And I said, "Something tastes different here, but I can't figure out what it is."

And then I hear this voice whispering, "Noah, Noah!" That's my name.

And... and Kenny's over at the counter

with a handful of... of cashews.

He said he forgot to put the cashews in,

so he just, like, gave me this handful of cashews

and put it in the... in the food.

And it was really nice 'cause I knew that there was something missing,

but I didn't know what it was.

And he was here before... Larry!

You worked here before Charlie was born as well as after or just after?

Charlie: Worked the counter; I was manager at the time.

You know, like, stock boy, manager, whatever.

So I've been in that store ever since.

His life around completely

to being an honest, productive citizen and a good father, from being a turd.

An absolute fucking turd.

When I left, Kenny gave me a 10% discount for life.

There was this kid that came in here every day...

Macaroni and cheese,

or he would have pancakes.

And one day, he says, "I can't decide what to have,"

So I said, "Don't worry, Matthew,

I'm going to decide for you."

Macaroni and cheese pancake.

Woman: Egg and cheese pancake.

Barbecued chicken pancakes.

Man: Uh, chocolate chip pancakes.

Danny: Post-modern pancakes.

Basically, you make some pancakes

and then you chop them up, and then you throw them in pancake batter again.

Kenny: Giant glazed apple nut pancake.

The thing that's cool about it is how we glaze it.

Watch, you'll see in a minute.

I don't make much money on this bread.

They got me.

These people from North Carolina,

who aren't city slickers,

they know value when they see it.

[ sizzling ]

You got to kill flies all the time; there's flies continually in the neighborhood.

There are certain flies, like you said, bred to be high fliers.

That's how they survive in the restaurant, because they're high fliers.

All the ones that are low, we Kill.

You know, it's very existential, killing flies. You kill 'em one at a time,

and that's it, they're dead! You know?

It's almost like, uh... National politics in Afghanistan, you know?

Once you kill those cocksuckers, they're finished.

But they can breed people that you can't catch.

And that's almost what happened with Third-World people.

Over the years we've bred people who are impervious to bourgeoisie demands

and they're willing to die to kill us.

They bred to a point where I can't kill the high fliers,

so I got a device that does.

And that's what we're absolutely engaged in now in this country,

is trying to come up with a defense that kills the high fliers,

the people that are willing to sacrifice their life to destroy our malignant life form here.

[ snorting ]

You know, I wish them luck...

[ chuckling ]

Because no matter what they do,

their next enemy is gonna be from within.

That's the eventual outcome of all fly-killing and whatnots like that.

Once you get rid of the external enemy,

you have to deal with yourself.

So that even if you solve all the outside evils, you are.. you're left with your own.

You know? The evil your parents did to you and the evil that all parents do to all people.

Anyway, I like killing flies.

[ air horn blaring ]

[ traffic din ]

[ mixed chatter ]

Charlie: The village has been gentrified, but there's been holdouts

trying to keep it a neighborhood.

And the...

Neighborhood people are losing.

[ telephone rings ] Yo.

Yes.

I haven't moved any place. I'm right here.

This place at $6500 a month, which goes to, like,

almost $9000 at the end of five years...

What I have here, the relaxed, gradual,

integrated nature of my existence

- in which my customers drift in... - What?

And are serviced and inter-react with each other,

in this place at $6500 a month,

I have to bust my fucking hump.

There's a whole lot before that, but the end of it is,

is that when the new landlord took over the building

after we made a feeble attempt to buy it...

If I hadn't lost all my money in the market I would've bought it.

I think it would have been a mistake.

But anyway, the new landlord summons us to his office...

Proceeds to offer me a one-year lease.

After 32 years in business, a one-year lease, which is, like, really stupid.

It's not an offer at all, it's an insult.

"If I, uh... Say no and you rent it out to a new tenant,

are you gonna get more rent than you've just asked me for?"

He said, "No."

I said, "Well, are you gonna offer them a one-year lease?"

He says, "No, but I..."

He says, "I have you over the barrel. You can't do anything.

You have to take it because you can't relocate."

So, he says, "Try it for a year; see if we like each other."

And I said, "You know, I mean, you know, from... from the evidence,

I... I don't think I'm ever gonna like you."

He said, "That's the best deal you're gonna get."

At that point, I realized that, uh,

you know, I was fucked.

That a lot of the things that we've created

because of our... Piecing.

The strength, it's almost like building something with ants or with big blocks.

That this... The sub-strengths

which help in the depth and the impact of the product

are going to disappear in a couple of weeks.

I mean, he doesn't go out, you know?

They don't, like, go to their friends' houses. They used to.

All of my dad's friends just come to him.

So if the restaurant's not there,

it's not like he lost his job, or his business, it's like he lost his life.

Kenny: I go through mood swings on a really primal level.

You know, if you look at a personality development

as a line of soldiers marching forward,

there were ranks breaking way back.

A lot of the soldiers were marching forward into the battle of life,

but there were a lot of guys just, like, found a hole and crawled in;

they didn't go no place.

The only thing that's good about me

is that the troops keep marching forward to new battles,

and they don't dig in and say,

"This is it for us, we're done fighting,

we're now gonna relax and coast along,

and play poker and clean our rifles for the rest of our fucking life."

But, you know, life with one leg is just a limp.

Danny: I don't think I'd be a regular here if I, uh, wasn't his son.

I don't think I'd have the balls to come in here day after day.

It was somewhere in '86,

I came in and I just wanted to have a cup of coffee,

so of course I got thrown out the door.

But I wanted coffee, and I got shouted at.

But I came back with four friends and we got thrown out the door.

I had the honor of being kicked out.

I think everybody should.

He started shouting at her,

and my wife and I are sort of hiding behind our menus,

hoping that the whole thing would blow over.

"No fuckin' way!"

Then Kenny says, "Fuck you!"

You know, "Fuck off," What... you know, "Go away."

And I was afraid I was about to be banned from the restaurant.

From where I'm sitting, that's all part of the fun.

I don't feel sorry for them,

I'm just kind of like, "Ah, Dad!"

And the people we eschew strongest

who believe that they come into the restaurant and you're supposed to do something

other than open up, be open for 32 years, cook the food...

I reject that, totally.

I do more than they do, and they can go fuck themselves.

There was a guy there who I kicked out five years ago, who owned the place.

He came in with a group of six

and I kicked him out, and he says, "There's no one else in the restaurant!"

I says, "No, no, you're in the restaurant.

When you go, then there'll be nobody else in the restaurant.”

Well, I said, "Everybody who's a regular customer

knows you don't come in with more than four."

I said, "The fact you didn't know means you weren't a regular customer.

Who the fuck needs you?"

I said, "I should have to explain to you why we have the rule?

Do I have to explain to you

how when you make a rule you have to try hard to enforce it?"

At the end, right before I left,

I walked over and I gave him a great, big kiss on the lips...

[ kiss ]

[ chuckling ]

[ bell ringing ]

No more, huh?

Yes, yes, yes, more!

Turkey in here, Jose.

Jose: Table over there...

Pick up! [ whistling ]

[ bell ringing ]

Man: You know, J.J.'s right, you don't need me for that.

Eve: is having the lunch special: Turkey Sloppy Joe salad.

[ pan clattering ]

[ bell ringing ]

Yeah, this is coming from the same place.

[ mixed shouts ]

Pick up!

Kenny: This oil's done.

Evie!

Eve: Yeah?

The "fakusas" are for John?

Eve: Yeah.

Now hold on, you put the dairy in there?

Jose: Si.

Woman: Egg burrito... scrambled, well done.

You know, if you're on television, they'll segue away,

and come back 10 minutes later after this is sautéed,

but I don't go for that shit.

I'm not waiting.

So I put a little bit of stock in, cover it,

and in just a few seconds, it'll totally fucking cook.

He always gives me nice, wholesome flavor...

Flavored, excellently cooked large portions of food.

And I always tell him, "No mushrooms in anything,

from the coffee on down."

Woman: I think this is the corned beef and cabbage, um, latkes?

Kenny: You think?

Woman: I think.

Man 1: The blisters on my sisters.

Man 2: And what is it? - Um, I'm not sure.

Chocolate orange French toast.

You know, there are a lot of things on our menu, if you put it together,

you can go someplace I've never been.

I took a banana boat and I put bananas in it,

and then I took an ice cream scoop and I made pulled pork and Cole slaw in...

Like, an ice cream, uh, sundae. And we called it a barbecue banana split.

It's almost like putting your dick in the wrong hole, you know?

There's, like, a thrill to it.

There's a friction that occurs when you put an ingredient in an improper dish.

That's the basis of all fusion cooking,

is that there's a sexual friction

that's caused by putting the wrong food in the wrong place.

And sometimes it works.

But not always.

[ laughing ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ buzzing ]

Kenny: Uh-oh, uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Uh-oh, that has cheese!

Tell him it has cheese. See if it comes back.

Man: This is, uh, quinoa cilantro soup.

Woman 1: Chicken dumpling soup.

Woman 2: Sweet potato vegetable soup.

Woman 3: Russian cabbage soup with beef.

Woman 4: Chicken, tortilla, and avocado soup.

Woman 5: Senegalese shrimp soup.

Man: Cuban black bean soup.

This is the favorite thing of mine that I make.

I don't have... You know...

Whatever my cooking abilities are,

my eating abilities are really basic.

I just love fucking chili.

The basis of it is that the deep meat flavor

comes from adding a little bit of coffee.

I've had some of this chili every day for the past 30 years and I really work on it.

Eve: It's Kenny who just gets better and better doing it.

What was wrong with this soup?

And I check on all the food too.

If anything's left over...

Hmm, why? And we'll taste it to make sure

that there's nothing wrong with it.

[ ♪♪♪ ]

Man: Hey, Kenny, what's up with the candy?

People take candy.

Are you... This is, like, a documentary...

Small question for a big answer?

Go fuck yourself.

Woman: Talk about how you fell in love with me when we came here,

and we made a special day 'cause I moved to California that...

To come here to Shopsin's, "cause we know it's shutting.

Man: Are you still a couple?

No.

We were a couple 10 years ago.

Sadly, I guess to admit this, but while I loved you dearly,

I... I think it was the wild mushroom cream.

Woman: Ha ha!

Kenny: So these are on e-Bay for $5.

This is like a $200 item.

It's also my tribute to the trade towers.

What time is it?

Two o'clock? That's all it is, is two o'clock? That sucks.

I could close this joint up

and get 500 square feet on Bleecker Street and sell burritos,

and make more money than I make now.

All of the things that you do right in this business,

don't do right because you're a wonderful person.

You do right because you have no fucking choice.

And of course, I don't always do everything right.

A lot of times, I fuck it up totally.

Burn this one, or under cook that one.

I've seen food come back and I look at it and I say,

"Whoa, what a fucking asshole you are, you are.

How could you do something like that?"

We had entered into a bad relationship with an exterminator.

Somebody found a roach in one of the soups about eight years ago.

It certainly doesn't mean anything in the history of the earth, you know?

But in your relationship with that person,

it's just you, them, and the soup.

Yeah, it's just like a huge event of incompetence on your part,

of, uh... unhappiness, when in fact they come to your place

rather than McDonald's or the supermarket

to get something other than good food, they get...

They want to get some satisfaction, and this woman didn't get anything.

Essentially, she got nothing but abuse.

No, no, it's a horrendous event for both parties.

So, yeah. That's happened here.

It's okay to do stupid things.

It's not okay to do stupid things when you notice them.

Not that we have high standards,

but then...

They're gonna put it in their mouth.

Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Man 1: Oh, so we have a little taco-fried steak here.

Man 2: A hot turkey sandwich with sausage stuffing

on black bread with cranberry relish.

Man 3: The "Minda:" Chicken salad, turkey bacon and coleslaw.

Man 4: The "Edmonton."

Man 5: "Thai Cobb:" Cilantro, pistachio, curry, grilled chicken.

Man 6: Portobello mushrooms with gnocchi and cashews.

Man 7: Okra chowder and date nut rice.

Man 8: Egg burrito cheese melt.

My food is loaded with butter.

Sorry, it's just a dead fly.

You know, and I wonder sometimes

about the morality of my profession,

as to whether or not what I'm doing is... is essentially wrong.

Not the service part, not the sentiment part, but that...

that I'm an enabler.

But the reason I justify it is that I ride a motorcycle, which is equally stupid.

That if you want to eat pancakes with sugared fruit on top,

and you get a good deal of pleasure from doing that,

you have the right to pursue that pleasure,

just like the guy who sells me the motorcycle.

It's not really my place to judge these people. That's what freedom is all about.

Where is it? Is it not here?

Now it's the end of the shift and I'm tired.

All the food blends together in my head.

Woman: It doesn't matter.

I'm sorry, it's nothing to do with you guys, it has to do with... We can't handle it.

Woman: This is the end of it.

- Okay, it's just too much for him. - We know it is.

He's my father; I'm not gonna burden him with this on Father's Day.

Okay? I'm sorry.

Danny: It's kind of like the rules of the place in general,

like, you either know them or you don't.

Like, a friend brings you in, you know the rules,

because they tell you,

and if you walk in off the street, you know, you're in for a surprise.

Man: Okay, so, should I read the whole thing?

Man 2: Yes, please.

"Party of five: You could put a chair at the end

or push the tables together, but don't bother.

This banged-up little restaurant where you would expect no rules at all

has a firm policy against seating parties of five.

And you know you are a party of five."

[ laughter ]

"It doesn't matter if one of you offers to leave

or if you said... If you say you can split into a party of three and a party of two..."

That's what we said!

"Or if the five of you come back tomorrow

in Richard Nis... Richard Nixon masks

and try to pretend that you don't know each other,

it won't work, you're a party of five.

Even if you're a beloved regular,

even if the place is empty,

even if you bring logic to bear,

even if you're a tackle for the Chicago Bears, it won't work, you're a party of five.

You'll always be a party of five.

100 blocks from here, 100 years from now, you'll still be a party of five."

Oh my God!

We... That's what happened to us!

I can't believe it!

A poem about us.

Woman: Could you come in if you were six?

Shopsin's does not do take-out.

In fact, you might get your head bitten off if you ask for them to do something.

But, they... they fed me, you know?

I mean, I was really, really ill, and they would do...

You know, they would put stuff together in containers

and friends would come over and pick it up and bring it over.

And I don't know, that's just...

It sounds all sentimental and everything but you don't...

You don't forget gestures like that because...

It makes you feel like you really are home.

[ birds singing ]

Kenny: Somebody who truly tries to create something beautiful and lovely,

and people who create things to neutralize

the venom that they produce every night in their dreams,

and I'm definitely the second type.

That I cook to neutralize some type of...

Freudian-mother-breast-related problem

that resurges in me just like old faithful, all the time.

And I can't...

And I can't get rid of it.

It's in there. It's in there...

It's mixed in worse than aids could be mixed in.

I used to think that the only way for change was through Freudian analysis,

that there is no hope other than that.

I went, like, 14 years, 5 days a week.

It takes you back to the point in your life where you stop developing normally,

and it uses the psychiatrist as a good parent,

and you just grow up all over again in a short period of time.

But there may be other ways, I'm not... That's not my field of expertise.

I know it's really hard... It's really hard.

It's like trying to find something that you haven't lost.

The guy that eats here, who was gonna be my lawyer

to help me try and do something with this place, and this landlord says,

"You know, I have a space in my place that might be good for you."

And I said, "Sure."

"Cause to me, that's like... That's like the golden tone,

is when somebody I know

who's already been involved with me for some other serendipitous reason,

suggests that we deepen our relationship.

A lot of what I do in my job is merely helping wealthy people get wealthier.

I didn't have the courage to step in the front door

because of their reputation in the neighborhood.

Kenny: If you look straight down there over the top of that post office truck,

you'll see a bulbous, green awning.

That's it.

Man: It actually seemed like a perfect suggestion to bring Kenny here,

because it's only two blocks away.

And he's been kind of my advocate in this all.

When my brother and stepbrother

wandered by the restaurant and saw Kenny asleep in the front window,

um, my stepbrother turned to my brother and said, "You're kidding, right?"

Richard decided that the best way... In fact, the only way to accurately determine

whether or not Kenny's food was of a caliber that...

Richard felt was appropriate for a restaurant in our building,

was to try it out incognito.

And so Richard dressed up in a beret and a pair of sunglasses

and had a lunch, and somewhat begrudgingly

reported to my brother that the food was excellent

and that the service was courteous and friendly.

Um, and to Richard's credit,

when it looked like Kenny was going to lose at the last board meeting,

it was Richard who said,

"You know, I think that maybe we should give this guy a chance."

So, the other place... You know, Mark, for all the bullshit with his brother,

they're all decent people

who treat other human beings with respect, even people that don't deserve it,

which is the big demarcation point, I think, in human behavior.

If you treat people with respect who don't deserve it,

it's a mark of high civilization.

Because you never know who's only temporarily deserving of bad behavior,

so you try to treat everybody with a morality that makes you a good person,

not whether or not they deserve to be treated well.

And I feel really much more comfortable with those people.

[ bell ringing ] Shut the fuck up, Sam!

I didn't want to leave the neighborhood.

The right thing to do was what my daughter Melinda said,

and that's to go out to Brooklyn and buy a building on Smith Street,

'cause that's all the money I had left.

Or not to lose my money in the stock market, and buy this building

and stay here forever, in my own fucking museum.

Eve: And we found out six weeks before I was due

that we were having twins, and I called Kenny

and for the only time I can remember in my whole life,

Kenny was speechless.

I don't know how I did it.

I would be able to nurse them standing up.

Two of them at the same time.

I'd be packing groceries, you know...

And then we would just ship them off with a customer

when it got too crazy.

Eve: He loves doing the brunch on Sunday.

And for me, it's a nice break.

Let them run it, and...

it's okay if the restaurant has a life without me for a day a week.

Zach: You know, I like cooking, I like cooking for people,

but I don't know if I'd like it for the rest of my life.

Man: Are you good at it?

Yeah, I'm good at it. It's in my blood.

Man: Ah, we've been friends for over 35 years.

I was the best man at his wedding.

Oh, I think definitely, definitely, they're chips off the old block.

Woman: You're putting too much thought, just do it!

Kenny: Now what do I do?

Okay?

Ow! Not okay! Fuck.

[ clatter ]

I'm really glad you helped me out there, Mara.

That was a lot of fun.

- And I burnt my fingers. - Good.

Notice how everybody deserted me and left it for me to clean everything up?

That's the difference between being a parent and an employer.

Man: What do you do in the summer?

Work with... for this motherfucker.

Man: I mean, he's got some really fucking weird, half-baked philosophies.

Like, has he ever given you the whole thing, like,

he thinks until your kids are 18, you should be able to kill them if you want?

Kenny: There are in this city,

a large number of people whose hobby is not going out and getting fist-fucked,

and is not going out and collecting porcelain dolls.

Their hobby is going out and going to restaurants.

A lot of people don't understand that in most kitchens,

everything that's ordered...

gets cooked by somebody.

You ask your mama for a peanut butter sandwich,

your mama takes some fucking bread,

takes some fucking peanut butter and makes you a fucking sandwich.

It's the same thing that happens in this place,

except I'm not your mama.

My family always orders pain-in-the-ass shit.

I think it's a way to get even.

[ engine revving ]

Most like my dad?

None of us.

None of us. None of us at all.

Us all combined probably are like Kenny.

I think I think more like he does,

and so I know what he's gonna say before he says it,

and I kind of... I counter his mind.

I'm not like my dad.

I'm like my mom.

I do everything that my dad hates about her.

I have all those attributes.

Man: Like what? - Um, I'm lazy,

I know how to have fun, which he doesn't like 'cause Kenny does not know how to have fun.

That's his biggest problem in the world. He doesn't know how to relax.

Man: He doesn't know how to relax... [ indistinct ]

Zach: He doesn't know how to have fun! - He has fun!

He says, "Zach, I know one of your best attributes

is that you can sit there and have fun for the rest of your life.

I cannot do it, I need to work."

Man: He has fun working!

Zach: He can have fun working,

but he doesn't completely let himself go like me or mom do it.

God, now you're gonna make me feel bad,

'cause you have, like, the camera in my face.

Man: It's all right, it's not like anyone needs to know about you.

I know, it's like looking into a mirror of your soul,

'cause it's the... [ laughter ]

[ mocking comments ]

Man: What we gotta do is get my dad stoned.

That's what I've been saying for, like, 15 years.

God, it's been so long. I love that.

Man: And he was talking about how they used to... take a glass of Coke...

Like half Coke, half, like, fucking rubbing alcohol,

and they'd fucking just chug the thing and like...

He told me when I was a little kid

he used to put grease on, like, these really steep hills,

and him and his friends used to go hide in the bushes

and watch cars slide down, like, for real.

Fucking crazy bastard. And he screams at me!

Bottom line, I got to have one $700-a-week employee to clean up all the time.

That means I have to make 700 hamburgers.

That means I have to have 700 customers, extra.

And to have to do more business, either I'm gonna be in the kitchen more,

or the food that goes out is gonna be less good.

Okay...

And we have a few questions too.

This is too small for me!

[ mixed chatter ]

I think that's smart.

That... that's a mission.

We'll do that together.

But when you have the 20 tables, the waiter, they knows what table it is.

Okay, I was just curious.

Woman: Dad!

Yes.

The handles on these fridges...

But it looks like it stays closed.

Man: Yeah, stay closed.

And we have it for five years, like this.

I believe you.

You know what I mean?

And you're not buying the business from us,

- you know, we're giving you for free. - I understand.

So don't ask too much... For a little thing, please.

We are sick already, then. Let... Let us go, just finally.

You know what I mean?

The detail thing, you know...

You weren't feeling that way when you went from 30,000 to 50,000.

Man: Stop it! Look, look... The two of you, please?

You know something? I'll tell you something!

Tell me something.

- We... We... We have a deal... - Samir. Samir.

And we have some people offer us 300,000 fucking thousand dollars.

- 300 fucking thousand dollars in this place. - Samir.

You know, two weeks ago before that happened, someone...

- Just please, don't... - Okay.

We are giving you everything,

and we wish you good luck.

- Samir? Samir? Samir? Samir? - Kenny. Kenny. Kenny. Kenny.

Samir? You're right, I'm wrong.

I apologize. I'm sorry.

- You're absolutely right. I'll stop... - We going out with nothing!

We have kids and family. Since when I talked to your wife...

- I'll stop acting like an asshole, -All right.

I'm sorry. Okay?

- Okay, you accept my apology? - All right.

I'm very sorry. Okay, let's go to the basement.

Air conditioner, exhaust system, walk-in boxes... That's a walk-in box.

Steel shelving, tables, chairs,

dishes, glasses, cutlery.

I'm giving him a chance to object. If he wants to object, but he's not objecting.

See you tomorrow, Samir.

And I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean to.

I didn't mean to upset you.

It was not my intention.

Samir: Yeah, nothing new to us.

But I have this strong feeling that this awareness of myself and my position in things...

Because one: Some guy gave me a huge amount of money

to help me in the move 'cause I'm broke from my stupidity in the stock market,

and three other people have offered me money.

And all of a sudden, I feel like a cross between...

an endangered species and a closet intellectual.

Come talk to me about it.

[ indistinct ] Start the proceedings against...

He could.

If they have a lawyer who's really smart, they'll get a year.

- What do we do during that year? - I don't mind...

There's just nothing we can do about it.

It's beyond our ability to do anything.

It's just the first time, I mean...

And you should do... You know, you're too young,

but you should put yourself in their position.

They took that space 18 years ago.

Eighteen years ago, that was two crappy stores.

Absolutely everything in there: The bathrooms, the floors, the ceiling...

They don't want to leave.

Now you're angry at me?

The first time I saw it, I was just stricken by that.

I'm not saying anything, I'm just telling you how I feel,

and you're like, you got angry at me last night...

I got angry last night because you were...

Then you weren't angry enough not to bring it up now.

I have to cook with her today. I've got to be nice to her.

She gets... When she gets mean...

When she gets mean, she's no fun to cook with.

And you know, she's a very sweet, lovely girl,

but when she cooks, she's vicious.

Now she's telling you, "He hasn't shut up for two days.

He's running his fucking mouth like he's stoned."

That's what she's saying.

Charlie: He'll have to deal with stuff he doesn't want to deal with.

Whether growth is forced upon you or...

or you dive into it.

You know, it's something that helps you...

Uh, mature, maybe, a little bit, into a more graceful life.

It's gonna take forever to fix that place up.

Forever.

Mara said it to me so much, I yelled at her last night.

She keeps saying that we're getting ripped off,

that everything they have is old,

moldy, non-working.

They have a fucking...

Mara: And not suited to us!

And not suited to us.

You ever see "Woman in the Dunes?"

It's about a guy, through some circumstance, finds himself in this deep pit with a woman.

And he's not sure how he got there, exactly.

And the woman is loving.

You know, and they have sex.

And he has to get up every morning

and he has to dig sand out,

put it in a bucket, pull the string,

and the bucket goes up and automatically dumps the sand out.

If he doesn't do that, they get buried in sand.

And sometimes, without the spiritual part of my life,

it feels like that, you know?

I guess it feels that way to everybody, right?

You know, although I don't really mind digging sand, to tell you the truth.

[ sigh ]

He calls me up yesterday... last night.

And at one o'clock today, I'm supposed to go... I have a certified check for $50,000.

That's it. Then I go to the Magic Carpet, it's my place.

He tells me that there's a place on Hudson Street, a store.

This is a business, you know?

I don't have the option to overlook a lease possibility.

And it's so nice, you know, that somebody wanted,

you know, somebody that we thought really didn't like us all that much,

that shouldn't come in that often,

to know that she was touched by our position.

Things like this have been just happening from all over the place,

and that's been so good for our souls.

So she's now offering me this premises, which really isn't a restaurant,

right around the corner,

supposedly at a better rent.

I have to decide really quick if it's better.

Eve, if you keep taking breakfast orders, we're never gonna go to the restaurant.

Maybe I'll send Jose over.

[ ♪♪♪ ]

I think he loved it.

I think the problem is that we were already too far into that deal.

What do you think we should do?

Mara: I don't know.

Well, give me an answer. I have to decide at 1:15 today what to do.

It's not a matter of... it being an intellectual exercise.

This is... We're in reality.

On the 30th of this month, I have to be out of this fucking space.

- How much work is it? - How much work is it?

There's nothing. It is raw space.

There's no walls, there's no floors, and it'll take time.

We don't have time.

You really want to go for the big shot, huh?

Yeah, that's what... Remember, we talked about it,

that you were gonna move forward, and...

Blah blah blah? Remember that?

- Yeah, but you know I'm a whore. - I know.

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

This is another part of what I do.

I have additions, I have corrections and I constantly edit the list.

This is in the great tradition of all good kitchens,

this type of shopping.

It's just the level of which I do it

is appropriate for the level of my creativity and of my station in life.

I know who I am, I know what I do.

Normal cooking for normal people.

You see any arrows on these bags?

I opened it right up.

A lot of people, if there's not an arrow on the bag,

they're in a lot of fucking trouble.

You never know when you're gonna need to open a plastic bag either.

Nothing that you see here

will exist by next week.

It's a different place, it's different people.

It's nice.

Is the... national vegetable apparatus

more humane than the national beef apparatus?

The harvest of those lovely organic vegetables that your wife eats,

there's some fucking Brown person

getting his skin ripped off his body while he picks it.

Dying at 35 instead of 68,

because they're... malnourished and overworked,

living in a place with disease and vermin,

and being paid money in a... plantation system

which always finds a way, just like our government does,

to take back almost all the money they give you.

Because if you end up with a lot of money at the end of the growing season,

you won't go back. You'll go somewhere else.

You'll buy a fucking pair of shoes and get a job in the post office.

Now in the new restaurant, if I do do the shopping,

this big change in my life is I'm gonna have to go right on Clarkson Street

instead of going right on Morton Street,

which is okay for me because the Morton Street people

are not as nice as they think they are.

This guy's supposed to meet somebody here for breakfast and we're closed?

What do you think?

He doesn't look happy.

Then we're gonna open the gate up and he's gonna feel good for a second,

then he's gonna feel bad again.

So you guys, shoot him, to see if I'm right?

Man: Yeah.

This is Shopsin's?

There was a moment there where you had a glimmer of hope?

Well, yeah, about... a second.

Despite the fact that you read the paper and everything?

No, I didn't read anything.

Oh, there, it says right on the gate.

Where?

Oh, okay, so it's a trick.

What new address do you want the... Our new restaurant to have?

28 Bedford Street or 54 Carmine?

I'm tempted for Carmine.

I think it makes more sense to have Carmine...

And it's a nicer name, to have a new...

"Cause otherwise you're gonna be explaining, "The entrance is on Carmine..."

Carmine is a hard syllable. I think it might be a new image for us.

Yeah.

Kenny: The last time in a segment to your life

is less difficult to accept than the last time in your life.

And this is the thing where I come out all right...

Because for all of the things that have gone wrong,

it's an opportunity for regret.

You never know... Regrets are like children.

You don't really know if you really want to have them

till it's too late to do anything about it.

And... I don't have that many regrets.

And yet despite my real affection for this place, the bond that I'm gonna miss

is the bond of enforced confinement.

I would hate very much to go from one physical dependency on environment

to another one.

But to float free,

it's not so easy for somebody who's been dependent on environment for his stability.

I don't really want to go out and plow the fields with everybody else,

but I'm not really interested in living in Iowa in the mountains someplace either.

So, we'll see what happens.

I'm happy that everyone's here. It's like a family affair.

[ telephone rings ] Shopsin's.

Uh, this is our last day, so it's kind of floating free,

I can't tell you a thing, except we're open now.

It should be fun if it doesn't get too busy.

[ mixed chatter ]

[ applause ]

How you doing?

Hi again.

Years in the business have taught me that if you cook too fast, they leave,

then you have to cook again.

[ mixed chatter ]

When I was really young, I was as heavy as I am now,

and I lived at 38 Morton Street next to a woman who was really crazy.

I mean, every time I came home,

[ mimicking neighbor ] "You fat, Jew bastard."

Every night, for years!

And then I went on, like, a diet and I lost a lot of weight,

and one night I came home,

and she says, "You Jew bastard."

And I went there... I said, "Holy shit, she complimented me."

And I turned around and I said, "Thanks, Betty!"

We were sitting and eating, and they had a bris here.

And the... Mohel,

cutter of the weenie, came and, uh...

He wasn't extremely thrilled about the place because there was a big 20-pound ham

cooking up on the counter.

And I think he disliked Kenny so much

he said something nasty to him about the weenie

that he'd just worked on,

and Kenny went charging after the guy and was screaming at him.

Everybody all day was absolutely persuaded

that Zach's foreskin ended up in one of the dishes...

Or perhaps in several.

Perhaps the new place will open up some things for Kenny

in terms of the kind of cooking he can do.

It's whatever he wants to do.

It's... I know that it will be an interesting experience for me...

And he's walking around behind me and this is terrifying me,

because I don't know what he's doing and he's so unpredictable!

I haven't been over to look at that place.

I guess it looks suspiciously like a restaurant though.

I haven't seen the new place, don't know nothing about it.

This place has something in it that no other place has.

Man: What do you think that is?

Chutzpah.

The vibes are great. It's just a great place to sit and eat

and you never know what's gonna come out of his mouth.

What?

Mara: Chocolate orange French toast with maple glaze and a side of bacon!

[ telephone rings ]

Yeah?

But don't come.

This is our last day, we're not taking any new customers.

It's all finished for the day.

Yes. Thank you.

Asshole.

Man: If he ever changes, I'll kill him.

I hope it's a psychological reaction to being kicked out of here, is that I'm... Out.

I don't feel like cooking here anymore.

You know, and she is, uh, taking command.

If it wasn't for her organizing things, I wouldn't be even in the ballpark here.

Man: ♪ Some other enchanted evening... ♪ Mara: I'm just putting... Just save a slice!

♪ You may meet a stranger ♪ Mara: As long as...

♪ You may meet a stranger ♪

Kenny: Not much stranger.

♪ Not much stranger, across a crowded baguette ♪

[ applause ]

I mean, the guy's been closing here

over the past few weeks.

He's still creating dishes.

Ken once recently described this place as being like the rings on a tree,

where he can look around and see things that are from last week.

And he can look around and see things that are... 15 years ago.

I'm happy there's going to be a new place.

I'm sure it will be as uniquely Shopsin's as this was, in just... in another way.

Woman: John, do you want a Pellegrino?

Uh, please, hon. Thank you.

[ chuckling ]

They know what I want.

Kenny: See the cup?

That's some... After I do this, it drips sometimes.

So that, after it dripped and we cleaned it up a lot of times,

the solution to the drip...

Was this.

And the problem with leaving this place

is that the whole place is loaded with my solutions.

Man: Kenny would give everything away.

Money's not that important, it's the... End result of doing a good job.

[ mixed chatter ]

You know, some people play a role

in helping people feel better,

and sometimes they do it just by being themselves.

Eve: You know, the store brought us everything, you know?

It fed us, it gave us intellectual stimulation.

Um... it opened so many doors to us.

Whenever you needed to know anything, there was a customer who was just the person.

Man: What do you think about the change, moving over to the new place?

I don't fucking like it.

Kenny: You know, my son, when he was really young,

and the first time he actually took a shit in the toilet...

Flushed the toilet, his shit's swirling around,

and he looks at it and he says, "Have a nice trip."

Meaning that that wasn't shit to him: That was part of him

that's going away on a journey.

And this is, you know, I'm saying "Have a nice trip" to my store.

[ mixed Spanish & English ]

Okay, I just lost my fucking piece of paper. Son of a bitch.

I had a piece of paper with a list of things to do

and I lost the piece of paper.

What an asshole.

Mom?

Can you wake up Zach and have him come over now?

I'm sweating in the fucking kitchen

working my balls off so I can pay you! [ indistinct ]

Scumbag.

Talk to Evie about all that shit, I don't want to be bothered with it,

fucking douche bag.

What's Zach doing?

Sleep.

He's not waking up.

You know...

[ telephone beeping ]

I can't wait till he fucking goes to college. I won't have to deal with his shit anymore.

A fucking jerk.

Man 1: Are you closed?

Yes.

Till when?

Forever.

Man 2: It's open next month.

Man 1: It's open next month?

Forever! Tell him forever. It's forever. This place is never gonna be open.

Don't be nice to people.

It's a big mistake.

I'm gonna go over to the house and physically assault him.

Good you're not gonna be there.

- I missed it. - Yeah.

I thought it was going to be this week.

[ chuckle ]

Eve: We move fast, Ron.

There it is.

Kenny: So Mara doesn't know where you hook the phone up.

When you contracted, did you contract to have the phone service done into the building?

Eve: Yes.

Kenny: Where? You don't know.

Who do you think might know?

Who knows? Nobody? You don't know anything?

You haven't a clue, is that right?

Eve: I don't know.

Kenny: Cool. That's really cool.

I have to run over there now.

I want all the artwork and everything loaded into the van.

See if you can do it without fucking things up.

Eve: Oh, this is Kenny, and this is how he reacts to things,

and I just don't pay any attention to him.

If I had got upset about everything he did and every name he called me,

you know, I would be in big trouble.

I've developed techniques, and I just leave.

You know, go outside for a few minutes, or I go in the bathroom, or just... you know.

Zach: Got it on?

I don't understand, Zach.

I put in an hour, and then I go...

What does your ticket say?

I told you to buy the soda, I told you to put the parking in there.

I did, and then fucking I go over and put in another fucking 50 cents in there

and fucking there's a ticket.

I'm telling you, the guy must have sat and waited

for the exact second the shit ran out, 'cause...

Well, why didn't you keep the meter going?

"Cause I was fucking working!

- You don't get it? You really don't get it? - I get it. I get it, I get it.

You really don't get it, do you, Zach?

This is, like, un-fucking-believable.

I ask you to do a fucking job and you don't do it.

It's really simple, isn't it?

What's to get?

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. You don't think it's unbelievable?

You stole the fucking extra money, right?

- You took the extra... - It's in my fucking pocket!

You took the extra money,

you bought an ice cream with it,

but you didn't do what you were supposed to do!

- I did fucking do that, but I... - Are you telling me

that you got that meter going?

And that, that meter maid is...

Are you telling me you did what you were supposed to do?

I guess I... [ muttering ]

You're right. I fucked up.

What would it have cost you to go out there and put another two quarters in?

Nothing.

- Then why? - I don't know.

Well, try to think about it, Zach!

I don't know, I was busy working, I was moving chairs and shit...

You were busy doing something that didn't have a deadline,

and you gave up something that did.

Sorry.

The thing is, he's so good at arguing,

that quite often, he'll win arguments where he's wrong.

They, like, can't imagine ever telling their dad, you know, telling their dad to fuck off.

He'll yell at us, we'll yell at him.

And it's... just the way it is.

And I'm hoping in the new place, where he's in the kitchen,

that there's gonna be less of that.

You know, you're getting on my fucking nerves now!

I can't do anything until the kitchen works.

But first I have to get out of here, otherwise they're gonna lock all my shit up,

and I'm gonna look stupid.

Man: I'm looking for Shopsin's.

[ reading ] "It's hard to recommend Shopsin's,

but it's even harder to leave it out.

The temperament of chef/owner Kenny Shopsin makes dining a risk.

If he doesn't like your attitude, he won't hesitate to throw you out.

A shame, considering you'd be missing a selection

of more than 200 soups and hundreds of entrees,

each prepared a la minute.

One of the best meals is breakfast.

Offerings include homemade pumpkin pancakes,

corn and cornmeal waffles

that will keep you feeling full for the entire day.

The coffee is good, but you have to get it yourself.

If you don't like it, you know what you can do."

On Friday night, um...

I had dinner with a few friends, and we were the last people out and...

Got talking to Eve, and she said,

"If you have nothing better to do on Monday or Tuesday, come on by."

They're loyal Shopsin customers as well,

so it was like one phone call, and they were like, "Hell yeah!"

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ splashing ]

Various: Oooh!

[ applause ]

Mara: Dad, what do you want to take next?

Jesus...

Kenny: This stove is six stoves.

40% of the stove from Sloppy Louie's,

and the 60% spare parts... Every burner is different.

It has no legs; all the oven racks are different;

each oven has a different burner in it;

the pilots haven't worked for 15 years.

This one looks like a whore's ass.

Scratches and bumps, a little bit bowed,

and if you pour something on it, it always goes to the left.

If that flame goes on accidentally

and the oil heats up too much, it'll explode.

[ rattling ]

Just push it down the hole.

[ alarm beeping ] Kenny: Take it with me.

You know, maybe they'll use it as a cheap headstone.

You know, this place is put together

like somebody who wants to have a jigsaw puzzle

and he assembles it one piece at a time.

But the pieces aren't pre-cut: He cuts them all.

I'm moving to a different neighborhood,

and I felt there in the first three or four days that I was there,

a good deal of hostility, anger.

Anger that I was the cause of the Magic Carpet's demise.

Anger that, uh...

I'm the harbinger of change,

and I guess for most of the older people there it means that they're closer to death.

And then I felt that if I did something that was too cocky,

to put up an awning with no sign...

Cocky, anonymous, exclusive.

I decided that it was an unfriendly act to go in there with my own style,

and that I should moderate my style to include words

and something that people could relate to and understand

so that I wouldn't be a stranger in a strange land.

You know, it's like... It's like it's not there

and you just float around the city like you're in a dream.

You're attacked by the sights, the sounds and the smells.

Every neighborhood smells different.

Crusty, the crusty... Probably Bruno over there.

Nice brown crust on the bread with maybe sesame seeds.

Eve: Kenny says he's about a week away.

Jose!

I need Jose.

I've been kind of crippled,

emotionally and physically, too.

I've been very enervated all the time by the burden of mental things.

It's left some room for her to assert her capabilities

as opposed to constantly being whacked around by my, uh...

Effusive expression of competence.

I'm ready. Yeah, yeah, it didn't take long.

I mean, it was really nice having a little bit of space in my life, which I never have,

"cause I'm generally just running, running, running,

rushing in everything that I have to do.

[ mixed chatter ]

One, two, three cheeses. What else?

And on top of that...

Peppers, mushrooms, bok choy.

We need lemons and limes up too, Jose!

[ indistinct ]

Okay, what else, Jose? What else do we put in this fucking place?

I'll probably have my same customers and an occasional personal drop-in, but I'm...

Cheap... Per product.

In other words, the hamburger is big and the meat is fresh,

but I'm expensive, uh, openers.

You know, like when you're in a poker game,

where you can't play the game unless you have jacks or better?

The entry price here is high.

I don't... I don't have a 99 cent special.

There's not much you can get for 6 bucks either.

Once you get over the entry price

you get your money's worth, but you have to be willing to...

That's the way I did it years ago. See, I didn't want to have a...

An adversarial relationship with my customers.

I wanted them to be at a point where they could give me enough money

that I don't have to worry whether they get 2 ounces or 10 ounces,

or whether I put in macadamia nuts or I put in peanuts.

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

Eve: It's growth!

You know, I'm very happy that at this stage in our life...

It's exciting doing something new.

I went over just the egg dishes, so if somebody orders eggs,

I think I can do it.

I called and left a message, and the eggs should come tomorrow.

If they don't, they don't. I'll use the regular.

I think.

Danny: I'm just... I'm always amazed that he gets up every morning

and he doesn't complain, and, like, he's on his feet all day long,

he's cooking and he's lifting, like, huge pots with, like, chicken and turkey,

and he doesn't take any vacations.

Always, constantly, every day.

And like, just every day.

It's a serious problem.

Not being able to find the ingredients for my own fucking food.

[ door slamming ]

I don't know where the hot sauce is.

Where do you think the salsa is?

Now I can't find the garlic either.

I'm about to get angry.

They're gonna be in.

They're gonna be, uh, wanting food.

Bingo.

You can tell that I haven't been working for a while.

I still have a little hair on my arm.

It's usually when you do this, you just get distracted for a second,

and when it comes out, it looks like this: "Boom!"

It gets into a subject that really has not much to do with me

but has to do with humanity.

A great lack in America.

The great... belief that was our floor.

Once we lost our Christian background, or whatever the fuck we had,

we never intellectually, as a country,

tried to figure out what the meaning of life is.

[ water running ]

You know, we still don't.

All these issues about terrorism,

race, "in education," and school prayer,

they'd be a lot simpler if we had a meaning of life going for us.

Not that that's easy to achieve,

but nobody seems to be looking.

Am I, with my busy work,

seeking to inject meaning into my life...

Where the fuck is the marinara sauce?

The way that I choose to function

is to pick a arbitrary stupid goal,

become totally involved in it,

and pursue it with vigor,

and what happens to you in that pursuit

is your life.

Understand they're stupid, but not stupid to pursue,

because it's the only way you can inject meaning into your life.

Otherwise you're left with this great "Why bother?"

[ ♪♪♪ ]

[ sizzling ]

No, it wasn't supposed to start yesterday,

I wasn't open yesterday, it's supposed to start today!

So you don't have any extra baguettes?

Make sure I get a dozen baguettes tomorrow, please?

Yeah, and call that fucking asshole up

and tell him he's an asshole, "cause I don't have the patience.

Bye, Victor. Bye.

Oh, much better!

Yeah, this one much better.

I like being here.

I like the floor, I like everything.

Mucho clean, it's nice.

So I don't expect that much new business,

but I may be wrong.

Where the fuck are the shrimp, Jose?

What is it? What you want?

[ mixed chatter ]

[ bell ringing ]

[ microwave beeping ]

Pear walnut soup. [ bell ringing ]

[ buzzing ]

He happened to be very fortunate that he was forced to make the right decision.

You can tell I'm important. I got a double order of chorizo.

"The customer isn't always right" is one of my favorites.

Um...

Lunch special, two beef tacos with potato curry.

Kenny: At some point when it's really busy

and Jose, we're totally immersed for an hour, two hours,

totally zoned out, totally involved in the details of what we're doing,

totally gone...

That's when it becomes peaceful.

That's what makes it a seductive thing to do.

You feel cleansed afterwards. Better than a good night's sleep.

Man: It's all in his head,

whatever he has in there that is his idea for that dish.

And that's something that should make that restaurant work

wherever it is.

Turkey lamb is gone. [ buzzing ]

Nice!

[ chuckling ]

It makes me so fucking happy.

Yeah...

Some of them go twice, you know.

This is special chicharron. [ buzzing ]

In other words, they get to be [ indistinct ]

and they go there to get a shock,

and they fly away and they come back and they get another shock.

Coraje de perra, chop chop.

Kenny: We got stoned to go to the movies,

and the movie was over and people were eating and fucking themselves to death.

And all we wanted to do was eat and fuck.

And since we were out, we decided we would eat.

And the very first restaurant we came to, we swore we'd eat in.

Very first McDonald's to open in Manhattan.

Three large, athletic black males

with sawed-off shotguns come in, screaming at the manager...

[ indistinct ] telling him to open the safe.

There's a third guy just standing in the center with a shotgun

turning around, watching everybody.

All this is going on, and your mother,

who had gotten French fries and was interrupted by the robbers,

got up, went to the counter to get ketchup,

and then came back and sat and ate her French fries.

Eve: You know, we never made a lot of money, but...

we got tickets to the... You know, whatever.

Like, my Rolling Stones tickets, you know... To me, music.

There's the Rolling Stones and there's everybody else.

And every time the Rolling Stones came to town, I would try to get tickets,

and at the very last minute, someone would come through with...

primo seats. Yeah.

Kenny: This is like, another one of my half-baked philosophies:

The first duty of everybody in life is to realize that they're a piece of shit.

They're selfish, they're self-centered,

they're not very good.

And that you're willing to sacrifice 20,000 people in another country

just so that you can, uh, go to, uh... a Wings concert.

You'll sacrifice the lives

of 100,000 Chinese, uh, female babies

just so that you can rent this fucking camera and do your stupid art project.

No problem!

You're a piece of shit.

Once you realize you're a piece of shit, it's not so hard to take.

Because then you don't have this feeling

that you're a good person all the time.

And let me tell you something.

Feeling that you're a good person all the time

is like having a brand-new car with no scratches on it.

It's a real responsibility

which is almost impossible to live up to.

Being a piece of shit

and then occasionally doing something that's good and true,

it's a much easier place to be.

I think that's really important

and I always tried to raise my kids to understand

that they're not that terrific

and that not being that terrific, that's okay, "cause most people who say they are terrific...

Bill Clinton, Cardinal Egan...

Anybody you want to talk about.

They're not so terrific.

Martha Stewart!

They're not so fucking terrific either, and there's no...

nothing wrong with being not so terrific, you know?

In fact, it's what the whole ball game is about.

It's about being not so terrific and accepting it.