Original subtitles

-Clamp. -Clamp.

-Suture. -Suture.

-Scissors. -Scissors.

Can't you work any faster, Frank?

Haste makes waste.

Never at a loss for a cliché, are we?

Is everything all right here?

Yeah, it will be as soon as Frank stops

sewing his fingers together.

You missed a fragment!

Well, why didn'tyou give me suctionso I could see it?

You didn't ask for any, doctor.

You're useless!

Help around here'simpossible!

Why don't you find yourselfanother war, Frank?

-Forceps. -Forceps.

There's your fragment!

I don't ever want herat my table again.

She's an incompetentbungler!

And you got that froman expert on the subject.

I can think of better waysto spend a morning.

Back home I could be giving

some nice blue-haired ladya hysterectomy.

How aboutselling married coupleshis-and-her-terectomies?

Oh, you're punchy.

The natural resultof pulling bits of hardware

out of teenage bellies.

This place is driving me outof my already demented mind.

My head is gettingwall-to-wall crazy.

Would you like a drink?

Is gas inflammable?

Hey! Ginger! Ginger!

Did you know Frank Bums was stolen by Gypsies as a little boy?

No.

Police found him, brought him back to his parents.

They refused delivery.

So then the police brought him back to the Gypsies,

but they didn't want him either.

So then the cops brought him to the woods

hoping the bears would raise him.

After one day with Frank,the bears attacked the Gypsies.

Thanks, Hawkeye.

It's about time for Frank to be taking

his post-surgery nap now, isn't it?

Henry, that tooth'sreally bad.

Here, hold this backwith your tongue.

Uh-huh.

This is it! Colonel, this is it!

I know I've asked for a transfer before,

but this time I mean it! I want out!

Ow!

Uh, Frank, will you just calm down?

What-What's happened to your hook-- Uh, your hand?

McIntyre and Pierce, that's what happened.

And for the last time!

I don't care which MASH unit you send me to,

I want a transfer, and I want it now!

Look, I can't transfer you

with your arm looking like that.

There's nothing wrong with my arm!

And you're not gonna change my mind.

I've had those two up to here!

You better cut that thing off

before you hurt yourself.

You have no idea what it's been like

living with those two perverts!

Oh, they're not really so...

They're not?

I take my life in my handsevery time I go to bed.

I woke up one morningand found they'd given me

"The Princess and the Pea" treatment!

"The Princess and the Pea"?

BURNS: They nailed five cots on top of each other.

I was sleeping 12 feet off the floor!

It's a good thingyou don't walkin your sleep.

I don't think it's funny at all.

Uh... of course not.

Nor is it humorous to wake up with hamburger stuffed in your ears.

BLAKE: Hamburger stuffed in your ears?

BURNS: Do you know what it's like being awakened by a wet nose?

Frank, just leave mymarried life out of this.

Doctor, watch it before I swallow your watch.

Sorry, sir.

Look, Frank, you bringa lot of this on yourself.

Oh, really?

Well, I certainly didn'tbring last night on myself.

BLAKE: Last night?

It's not too hot,is it?

We don't wannawake him up.

Just right.

You sure thisis gonna work?

As sure as Niagara Falls.

Oh...

This is terrible. I...

Oh! You guys!

Okay, Frank.You'll get your transfer.

Thank you.

You know-- You know, Frank?

As-as roughas it's been sometimes,

I think I'll miss you.

Well, it might not have come to this

if you'd had the backbone to maintain

some discipline around here.

Well, so much for missing you.

This can't be Death Valley Scotty, can it?

No, that's one ofthose guys that lets you

sit on his pony whilehe takes your picture.

If you're looking for the Gold Rush,

you take a left turn,and go down the roadabout 100 years.

Okay, okay, you guys.

What if I told you thatthere's real gold out there?

Come out of the sun, Radar.

Your brain is getting a tan.

I'm not kidding. I looked it up.

It just so happensKorea's the fifth largest

gold producer in the world.

And the first largest producer of Koreans.

Take a look at these.

I found 'em down by the creek.

McINTYRE:It's not real gold, Radar.

What you got thereis pyrite.

And if you're smart, you'llsee your dentist right away.

I'm telling you, that's gold.

Frank? Flowers?

I asked for light chocolates.

I'm allergic to flowers.

-They're not for you. -Hot Lips?

I'm allergic to her, too.

What a relief it is toknow that after tomorrow

I'll never have tolisten to you two again.

Having your ears removed, Frank?

Colonel Blake has okayed my transfer.

You're serious, Frank.You're leaving.

Abso-tively!

Gee, Frank, this place won'tseem the same without you.

It'll be terrific!

Now, this has to be the farewell scene of all time.

-Margaret? -Frank!

Oh, did you cutyour head again?

Yes, I cut my head again.

For you.

Oh, how sweet!

Long-stemmed... stems?

Well, they werechrysanthemums

before Pierce andMcIntyre got at 'em!

Why would they destroy your flowers?

Well, why would theyput cream cheese inmy house slippers?

Do I know?

They're crazy!

It takes a certainkind of man

not to crackunder combat.

And we all know what kindof a man that is, don't we?

I talked to the cook.

He's bringing some pork chops here tonight.

The kind you like...

with extra fat.

Margaret, I have somethingvery painful to tell you.

You can't come to dinner tonight?

I've put in fora transfer.

-A transfer? -But we can still make dinner.

-It's not till tomorrow.-But, Frank, why?

Have I done something to displease you?

Oh, no, Margaret.No, no!

Is it something I haven't done?

Tell me and I'll do it.

Or if it's something I've done, I'll undo it.

Darling, it's nothingyou've done, or did.

It's just that every manhas a breaking point,

and Pierce and McIntyrehave broken mine.

But last night you said you loved me.

Oh, I do, Margaret.

Frank, you're crushing my mums.

FRANK: I don't mean to hurt you.

It's the last thing in the world I'd want to do.

Margaret: And yet you're leaving me.

Oh, it's not forever, Margaret.

There'll be other wars.

I'll be devastated without you.

You know that.

I'll write you...everyday, faithfully.

You promise?

Frank: Just like I do my wife.

Margaret, we're both mature, grown-up adults.

We...

Margaret, what're you doing?

Put that down! It's government property.

It's chilly out there.How 'bout a drink?

If you need a reasonto drink, you shouldn't.

Double or a triple?

How about the first quintuple martini in medical history?

How about you, Frank? One for the road?

I make it a point never to drink with strangers,

and as of right now,

I don't know either one of you.

Oh, it's chillyin here, too.

Make Frank a Shirley Temple.And put it on my tab.

You're nothing but common drunks.

That is a rumor startedby people I've fallen over.

Laugh now,

but when this war is over I'll go back

to my country club and my 30-foot yacht,

and you two will be ship's doctors

on a garbage scow somewhere.

The typical love-hate complex.

Freud said it best when he said,

"Never ask for light chocolates."

You're both a disgraceto the medical profession

let alone the United States Army!

He's beginning to soften.

Oh, I almost forgot.

It's time to listen to my favorite armed forces soap opera,

"Just Plain MacArthur."

Soap operas now?

You're deteriorating by the minute!

MARGARET: I'll be devastated without you, you know that.

FRANK: I'll write you... everyday, faithfully.

"I'll write everyday, faithfully."

Listen to that dribble, that manure.

You know, anyone who could listen to that...

MARGARET: Frank, you're crushing my mums.

That-that's-- that's...

That's right.Nurse Dribble and Dr. Manure.

You dirty rat, you!

-James Cagney! -You! Pierce!

Frank, please, Frank!Hold it together, Frank.

You'll regret thisas long as you live!

I regret it right now, Frank!

Believe me, I already regret it.

MARGARET : Maybe we could arrange

to get leaves at the same time.

FRANK: We could meet in Tokyo.

Oh, Margaret, there's so much to do,

and so little time.

To think that the army of all things

brought us together.

MARGARET: Some beautiful things can happen even in the army.

It's absolutely inexcusable!

You two guys should be sentenced to life

in front of a firing squad.

Really? We gotover 50 orders

if we can turn itinto an album.

Somethin' the matterwith your mouth, Henry?

Yeah, there's somethin'the matter with my mouth.

I got a temporary filling in a tooth that's killing me!

Why don't we go tomy dentist in Detroit?

Boy, you guys just don't get it, do you?

Look, the party is over!

Now, I'm holding you bothdirectly responsible

for this unit losinga fair but competentgeneral surgeon,

and now its head nurse!

Hot Lips is leaving?

She says she's been publicly humiliated.

Well, she has.

And to think of allthe times I offered

to humiliateher privately!

Boy, you guys are impossible!

Well, fire us, Henry!Fire us!

Listen, big shot,

I'm gonna do more than that.

I'm gonna do more than that.

What am I doing? This is my office.

You guys, get out!

Hawkeye?

Hey, Hawk?

If I open my eyes andyou're not a blonde pushover,

you're in trouble.

It's me, Radar. You gotta get up right away.

One more word and I'll nailyour tongue to your nose!

Well, I'm sorry.It's the colonel's orders!

Trapper, too. You both have post-op duty this morning.

-Trapper?-What're you talking about?

We just came off post-op duty!

Get your hands off of me.I'll clean off your glasses

and you'll find outwhere you are!

Well, Colonel Blakesays that both of you guys

from now are pulling double duty

till he replaces Major Burnsand Major Houlihan.

Which, the way things go in the army,

could be about10 o'clock next summer.

He can't do thatto us.

He'll wear us to a frazzle.

I think maybe we finally went too far.

You should've thoughtof that before we started.

I was too busy going too far.

I still don't know what we're gonna do

about Frank Burns.

Gimme a minute.

Want a martini?

No, thanks.I just put one away.

What are you laughin' at?

I think I have what just might be an idea.

Yeah?

Three of the basichuman emotions

are greed, fear,and greed.

So?

Frank Burns iscrazy about money.

He married for money.

He became a doctorfor money.

If there was moneyin dying,

he'd throw himself undera truck in a minute.

All of which means what?

Remember that story Radar told us

about there being gold in Korea?

Oh, Radar.

He's got the IQ of a house plant.

Frank isn't much smarter.

If he thought he couldget rich staying here,

he'd never leave.

Now, how about a martini?

I don't care howdrunk you make me.

I'm not goinghome with you.

He must have some around here someplace.

Every dentist does.

I don't know how anyone can be a dentist.

Imagine keeping your hand in a bunch of wet mouths all day.

Gives youwrinkled fingers.

-Ugh. -Hey!

That looks like a gold filling.

Perfect.

Must be Henry's.

If it is, it'sthe only good thing

that ever came outof his mouth.

Shh!You'll wake him.

How much gold do you think we got tonight?

Ah, forget it,he's still asleep.

How much gold do you think we got tonight?

I don't know, but wefound enough out there

to buy Frank'scountry club

and have him thrownout of it.

In my wildest dreams, I never thought I'd be this rich.

Let me buy you a drink.

Let's finish theseand go back to the creek

and get some more.

Don't be greedy.

I'm putting mine under my bed.

Why not under my bunk?

Stop pulling it! You spilled some!

Shh-shh-shh.

Quiet, you'll wake him up.

Shh! Where are you going with that?

The First National Latrine.

Aren't you afraidof being robbed?

You ever heard of a latrine bein' robbed?

I'm going with you.

What'd I say?

Were you talking?

Oh, really, Frank.

These rocks!

Why'd you pick suchan awful rocky placefor a walk?

Well, I just wanted a last look around,

you know, sort of a sentimental journey,

and I...

It's so unlike you.

You never likedthe outdoors.

Well, that's ridiculous!

I love the outdoors!

Any time I'm not indoors,

that's where you'll find me.

OK, Mom.

Say what?

Shh.

It's all right, Radar.

I... just wantedto borrow something.

Yes, sir.

Do you, uh...

always sleep witha teddy bear?

Well, not when I'm on duty, sir.

It's okay. It's okay.

Bad man go away.

If I dig one foot deeper,I'll be AWOL.

Gold!

Gold!

Gold, gold!

-Colonel Blake, I have, uh---Oh, Frank, do you know what--

What happened to you?

I, uh... fell down.

Really? How many times?

I've got to talk to you, sir.

Not now, Frank.

I just losta temporary filling

and every time I suck air,it's a new adventure in pain.

I've decided not to go, sir.

Frank, if you think you'regonna sleep here tonight,

you're crazy.

I mean, my transfer! I want to stay!

Oh, for cryin'out loud, Frank!

I went to a lot of troubleto accommodate you!

Well, tear them up! Tear up my orders!

I don't wanna go!

What about Pierceand McIntyre?

Great guys! Fun-loving...

-A little-- What? -Frank?

You've been pushingyour stethoscope

too far into your ears.

I think it scratchedyour brain.

Well, think whatever you like.

But I don't want to leave here.

-There it is! -Where?

It's just rightunder your foot.

Is this your finaldecision, Frank?

Absolutely and irrevocably, yes.

I never want to leave here.

I'm yours, forever.

I gotta tell yousomething, Frank.

I've gone to sleepwith happier thoughts.

But, Frank, I'm all packed!

What do you mean, we're not leaving?

The colonel hasrescinded my orders.

You'll just haveto unpack.

I've said goodbye to all the nurses.

They even gave me a farewell present.

They must have spent at least two dollars.

Well, Margaret,I can't leave now.

Something's...come up.

Who is she, Frank?

Who? Is who?

You're seeing another woman.

Are you crazy?

I'm a happilymarried man.

Frank, I don't understand any of this.

Oh, don't cry, Margaret.

Ow.

Or...

go ahead, and I'lldry your tears

with a goldhandkerchief.

-What? -Gold, Margaret.

There's a fortunein gold out there.

I've seen it!

McIntyre and Piercehave a whole bag of it!

Wait a minute. I smell a rat!

No, two rats! Two 14-carat rats!

Oh, no. No, no.No-no-no-no.

Let me prove it to you.

Come on.

Morning, Major Burns.Major Houlihan.

The secret's out!Come on!

This way!

You see? You see?

MAN : Attention, attention! All personnel.

Tonight's double feature is "Greed"

and "The Major was a Miner",

starring Major Frank "There-Goes-My-Transfer" Burns.

You did some good work in there, Frank.

-You really did. -Hmph.

We're sorry, Frank.

We really are.

Well, sometimes a joke can get way beyond an apology.

Frank, they're tryingto make amends.

Well...

We'll never try to make you look foolish again, Frank.

Scout's honor.

Well...

Okay.

I told you he was a sweetheart.

Oh!What are you doing?

Stop that!

-Pierce, let him go!-Wait your turn!

Ugh!You let him go!

You mean this isn't a nurse?

How dare you!