Original subtitles

Okay, sports fans, youready for the next hand?

My last handwas more like a foot.

I thought that was funny.

When you're winnin',rigor mortis is funny.

How about Ugly John?

He's been playing the samehand for the last hour.

-Winning or losing? -Little of each.

Well, wake him up.

No! Forget it.

This is the first I've enjoyed him.

Open for 5.

Call.

I'm in, shorty.

Stop makin' fun of my height!

What height? You haveno height to make fun of.

Go get some height.We'll make fun of it.

Hold it.

Oh, he hears them again.

Choppers!

Come on, the war'sback in the game.

Hey, mateys, look! Ace-high flush!

That wastwo hours ago.

Those cats inthe North really know

how to break upa poker game.

UGLY JOHN: They saved me money,

but I hate their methods.

TRAPPER: Why don't we have a war some time

with blank ammunition?

We tried it.No casualties, no fun.

There's too much chatter. It's distracting.

Especially, if you don'tknow what you're doing.

Pierce, do you mind?

We've got five morecases prepped and ready.

Tell 'em there'll be an hour wait for a table.

Yeah, put 'em in the bar.Sell 'em a drink.

-Clamp. -Clamp.

I said clamp, clamp! Come on, move it!

Here you go, Frank. Clamp.

Colonel Blake, did you see that?

Yeah, he's a great hitter,

but he's got a lousy arm.

I don't need your help, Pierce.

You better check with your patient on that.

Psychologically, that kind of eating

indicates hostility, aggression.

Destructiveness.

Why don't we get him to eat North Korea?

What he doesn't finish he can take home in a doggy bag.

Do you mind?

Give it some thought.

Pierce, I want to ask you a question.

No, you may notborrow my fork.

Why do youfind it necessary

to make my lifemiserable in the OR?

Maybe because you're so consistent.

Well. I'm just tryingto do my job.

You screwed up today,like you do every other day.

That's what I call consistent.

Would you mindtelling me how I did?

Frank, you're only dignifying him.

Which is more than I would do for you.

-Well? -You think you'rethe only one who's busy.

You asked for helpthree times today. Three.

Give me some salt.I still still taste this.

And when you make a mistake,

you're not smart enoughto admit it and start over.

We're not here to compensate for you.

I'll buy that.

-Me, too.-Well, I don't buy it.

Neither do I!

It's a tie: 2 against 50.

You're inconsiderate,

insulting with your nurses,

bloody arrogant,

demanding, distracting, and dumb!

Wow.

And those are your good points.

You're alsosurgically incompetent.

-I'm-- -I wouldn't let you

operate on me for dandruff!

Oh, this is outrageous.

You keep out of this. Where was I?

Surgically incompetent.

Surgically incompetent, right.

And, finally, you are a total

and definitive painin the gluteus maximus!

Frank, did you hear that?

Would you like meto translate?

You can't talk to me like that,

not and get away with it!

What're you gonna do?Eat me?

Ohh.

RADAR: Knock-knock, sir.

This better be important,Radar.

It's Major Houlihan, sir. She's throwing a fit.

Then give hera distemper shot.

I've gotta get some sleep.

She says if you don't come,

she's gonna inform General Clayton.

20,000 miles from home,

and I'm stillaggravated by a woman.

Sometimes I think my wifeoperates Major Houlihan

by remote control.

What should I tell her, sir?

You go rightto Major Houlihan,

you set your jaw firmly,

and you look into those cool,killer eyes of hers,

and you tell herI'll be right there.

Yes, sir.

Hawkeye?

Go away.

Colonel Blake wants to see you

in his office right away.

Tell him I died

and didn't leavea forwarding address.

Hawkeye.

Would you--

So typical.

Colonel Blake calls you into his office,

and you chew him out.

You woke me out of one of thesexiest dreams of all time

to discuss morale?

-Pierce, morale is important.-Absolutely.

But how can we discuss something we don't have?

We don't have any

because of yourdisruptive influence!

-I deny that. -It's true!

Oh, in that case, I admit it.

The idea of reportingto your commanding officer

wearing nothing but a robe.

Would you like me to take it off?

Pierce, that ruckusyou had with Frank

has already spreadthrough the whole outfit.

So what? Everybody already knows about old butterfingers.

That's not news.

Colonel, if he continues,

I'm going to file a formal complaint.

And I'll file a counter-complaint

against Frank Burns'impersonating a surgeon

and masquerading as a human being.

He's impossible!

See? Even she agrees.

Pierce, I want youto patch it up.

There's nothing to patch up,

unless Frank's been operating again.

He wants youto apologize.

In public, for the way you insulted him.

Apologize?

Like "I'm sorry, Frank.

You're a great guy and a fine surgeon"?

If I tried to say that,

my tongue would snap off its roller.

-Pierce---People have to be warned

that Frank Burns is dangerous with sharp instruments

like scalpels and probes.

Pierce, listen,there is a war on.

Nothing gets by you, Henry.

See you in the funny papers.

Oh, boy, his kid needs morethan a new set of plugs.

Look at that.

Iliac artery?

Yeah. The lace-curtaineffect's done

by a fragmentation grenade.

Gimme some suction here.

Suction.

What's the score, John?

He's doing pretty well,

considering what you're doing to him.

Okay, the bleeding seems to have stopped.

-Let me have that bonecutter.-Right.

Bonecutter.

Interior vertebral body is fractured.

I'm going to go inafter that big fragment.

-Forceps. -Forceps.

Do you thinkhe'll be paralyzed?

Not if these ten fingershaven't lost their magic.

There we are, folks.

-"Made in USA." -You're joking.

Just wanted to see if you were awake.

Private Thompson?

You did him yesterday.

Multiple fragment wounds. Lacerated iliac artery.

So what's his problem?

Outside of the fact thathe ought to be back home

with his girlfriendat the movies.

Oh, he has a fever, abdominal pain...

urinary output 50cc an hour.

Pulse rate 112, blood pressure 110 over 70.

I've heard better newsin my time.

Hiya.

This is Dr Pierce. He operated on you.

Hi, Doc.

-How's it goin'? -Lousy.

Well, that figures.

You were on the tablea long time.

People were beginning to thinkwe were going steady.

My gut hurts.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Don't run off and re-enlist.

-What's his temperature?-101.

Oh, terrific.

Hey, how about a littlegolf this afternoon?

After the mortarbarrage last night,

we got a 19th and 20th hole.

No, I can't.

Start him on IV penicillin.

He may be developing a wound infection.

Right.

And I want to get a blood count,

so bring me the tubes, right away, okay?

Yes, sir.

Somebodydouble-cross ya?

Yeah, that kid over there.

Yesterday I repaireda hole in his Iliac artery.

I removed a large fragmentnear his spinal cord.

Hmm? Penetrate the dura?

No.

And no sign of paralysis.

Hmm?So what's the problem?

Well, he's got a temperature of 101.

Well, thatcould be just a normalpost-operative reaction.

Penicillin mightbring him around.

Yeah, but "might" isn't good enough.

I want to be sure of it.

See ya at the movieslater?

What's playing?

Bride of the Gorillaand Bonzo Goes to College.

I think I'll wait for the books to come out.

Okay. It's your loss.

Hey.

Good luck with the kid.

TRAPPER:How's the chicken, Radar?

Beautiful. Is that what it is?

I think the same peoplewho make the camouflage

make the gravy.

Hey, how's Thompson?

Still downhill.

His white blood count 18,000,

temperature up to 102.

He may be developing an abscess.

Isn't Tompson the boy we worked on together?

He's falling apart on me.

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it.

Keep out of this, Frank.

Well, what went wrong,Super Surgeon?

Operating withone hand tied behindyour back again, hmm?

Hey, Frank, why don't you let that cut under your nose heal?

Just play kneesies with Big Mama.

Forget I'm here.

Why not give usthe whole story?

You shot your mouth off

with no trouble herelast night.

Put a lid on it,Frank.

Was it something you didor something you didn't do

or something youforgot to do, or, uh...

Get off me!

Last night I wasMr. Screw-up, remember?

Dr. Screw-up!And it still goes!

Oh, really?

Well, I haven't killedanybody this week.

What about you, big shot?

NURSE:Hit him, Pierce!

-Come here, Frank! -I don't care!

MARGARET:Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

I'll kill him!

You'll have to kill me first!

That's the best offerI've had today!

We didn't need the bed,so I didn't disturb him.

Well, he didn't get backto the Swamp last night,

so I figured hegot a better offer.

No such luck.

You fell asleep.

No kidding. I figured that when I woke up.

Do you often makehouse calls like this?

Only for some patients.

Oh, patients--

What happened? How's he doin'?

Last night's box score.

Oh, damn it, he's not gettin' anywhere.

He's falling back in some ways.

All right, same orders, Lieutenant.

No change. Keep a closewatch on him.

I'll be backin a little while.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

How's Thompson?

Is that the only questionanyone can ask me?

Well, what's wrong with that?

It reminds me that I'mnowhere with that case,

and it's driving me buggy.

So please don't ask!

Okay, I won't.

He's about the same.

How 'bout some poker tonight?

I got the missus to send me a check

made out to you,

just to make things easier.

I don't think so.

You're no fun at all.

Go shower with the nurses!

Ace-king,possible straight,

pair of twos,

and a paregoric.

I'll check to the ace-king.

Likewise.

Five dollars.

I'm out.

I call.

Last card.

Down and dirty.

How much can I bet?

Last card, 20 bucks.

Well, if I can only bet 20 bucks.

Take it.

-What'd ya have? -I don't have to tell.

How would you like

to donate a pint of bloodthrough the nose?

I didn't have anything.

Just ace high, that's all.

You didn't have a pairor, uh, a straight

-or anything? -No.

I threw away two tens!

-Who taught you to play poker?-You did!

Don't think you're goin'home when the war's over

'cause you and I are stayin'right here in Korea

until I get even.

Can't you guys do that somewhereelse?

Why don't you do what you'redoing somewhere else?

I'm not doing anything.

Well, you can do thatanywhere, can't you?

For cryin' out loud.

Come on, deal.

Okay, five-card draw, jacks or better.

-RADAR: Sir? -Hmm?

Sir?

Oh, please, Mildred. I've had a tough day.

No, it's Radar, sir.

What's the matter?Have we got casualties?

Uh, no, sir.

I was wondering if you couldlook after this for me.

I just won 800 bucksin a poker game.

You woke me for that, Private O'Reilly?

Corporal, sir.

Nothing is forever, Radar.

Oh, I-I'm sorry, sir.

It's just that I'm worried.

I'm afraidsomeone'll rob me.

Or the mice'll eat it.

You're trying to tell methat you beat Captain Pierce

playing poker?

No, sir.He moved out of the Swamp.

-He didn't. -Yes.

He's terribly worried

about this case of hisnot getting better.

Yeah.

Will you look aftermy money for me, sir?

Yeah, only on the condition

that you never wake me again.

Well, it's a deal.

I promise.

He really movedout of the Swamp?

Yes, sir.

Yeah?

It's $803 exactly.

Right.

Go away. I gave at the office.

I told you to leave me alone, Trapper.

It's me, you rat.

Been lookin' for youeverywhere.

What are youdoing here?

Trying to think.

Well, why didn't youstay in the Swamp?

I can't think in that place.

That place is an upholstered cesspool.

Between the bubbling of the still,

and the clicking of the poker chips,

I'm losing what's left of the little mind I came here with.

Lose your whistle?

It's Thursday.

Well, it certainly seems like Thursday.

We have a date.

I'm sorry. Not this Thursday.

I got a case I just can't get outta my mind.

I'm not interestedin your mind at all.

-Honestly-- -Knock, knock.

I, uh, whipped up a little lubricating oil

for the old brainbox.

Trapper.

Is the, uh, ahem,

finding a new approachto the problem?

-She was just leaving. -Not on my account.

No, on mine.

Trap, thanks for the booze,

but I really do want to be alone.

What's going on here?!

Just because I want some privacy,

there's everything in here butthe kitchen sink!

-What's in there? -Kitchen sink, sir.

Out! Out!

-Forgive me. -If you say so.

Have you seen Bride of the Gorilla

-and Bonzo Goes to College?-No.

Why don't we both miss 'em together?

You young people just run along.

I'll bring you some coffee later.

There is absolutelyno one here!

Um, Pierce, I want to talk to you.

Just take a number, and sit down, Henry,

although I'd rather you didn't.

I keep telling everybody I want to be alone.

I don't mind talking to you, Henry,

but wherever you are, Radar's sure to follow.

Well, he's at the movies.We won't be interrupted.

What you don't seem to understand

is that you are already interrupting.

-Then I'll say it fast.-Start.

Look, you're losingperspective.

You've got your guts in a knot

because one patienthas gone sour.

In an outfitlike this, that's bad.

I don't buy that.

You don't buy itbecause you're dedicated.

Well, shouldn't I be?

Depends...

whether you're dedicatedto your patient

or your ego.

Henry, don't try to practice psychiatry.

It always gives you a headache.

Colonel Blake?

Did I tell ya? The sun came up

and your three-foot shadow appeared.

-Sorry. Sir?-Radar, whatever it is,it can wait.

Oh, sir, could you justsign these, please?

-Can't these wait? -Henry, sign it!

It's so next week we canget Love Life of a Gorilla

and Bedtime for Bonzo.

What would you take to desert?

I'm leaving,I'm leaving.

But not before I tell you

to give up the luxury oftrying to be Dr. Perfect

in this-- in this GI butcher shop.

You know, you can save that luxury

for when you go back hometo your private practice,

where you can pick the kind of patients

that won't go sour on ya.

-You know something, Henry?-What?

You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.

Thanks.

-You know something, Pierce?-What?

You're disgustingwhen you try to be nice.

See you around.

Captain Pierce.

Taken to cruisingthe compound, Major?

Can't you put your hostilityaside for one minute?

Oh, all right. I'll stack it on top of my anger.

I've been thinkingabout Thompson.

Welcome to the club.

Sort of going over itin my mind, and...

Well, is it possibleyou missed something?

I'm not tryingto be a wise guy.

That I missed something

is not exactly a new thought.

But what?

There were an awfullot of fragments.

You couldn't accountfor every one of them.

I thought I did.

Look, there could've been more damage, but where?

Could it have nickedthe small intestine?

Impossible.

I couldn't have missed that.

I ran-- I ran the bowel before I closed him up.

What about,what about the--

No, come on, look, just--

You were-- you were just assisting.

I ran the controls. I ought to know.

Well, you obviously don't.

Oh, and I'll just hang a diploma in the latrine

and open a hotdog stand!

Good night, Major.

Good night.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey, hey!

Hey, wake up! Come on, wake up.

Let's go! Open the door!

-What's the matter?-I'm opening him up again!

-What? -You're going to assist me.

-But wait till I get some clothes on. -Later.

Go wake up Ugly Johnand get somebodyto prep Thompson.

-Come on! Move! -Wait!

Can't it wait till morning?

I said now. Move!

Sorry, Frank.

Let me have some suction here.

-Suction. -Gimme a lap sponge.

Lap sponge.

-Anything? -Not yet.

Pick up some scissors.

-These okay? -Yeah, fine.

-How's he doin'? -Pretty good.

But don't muck about. He's got a high fever.

Right, Doctor.

Lap sponge.

Sponge.

Bingo!

The shrapnel tore the backof the sigmoid colon.

That has to be it.

Anybody could've missed that.

Thanks, Frank.

Okay, let's close him up.

I'm so glad, Hawkeye.

-You know something, Major?-What that?

You're beautiful when you sweat.

What do you mean, this is no longer my bunk?

Wait a minute, pal.You spent two nights away,

and this Captain Phillipsmoved in. That's it.

Hey, Trap. You're talkin' toone of the founding fathers.

I named this dump.

I threw the first load of garbage on the floor.

-Sorry. -Sorry, my butt!

Lafayette, I am here!

Hey, you know somethin'?

When I see you sitting there like that

in your favorite chair,

with a glass of raw spirits in your hand,

thinking evil thoughts,

I can't throw you out.

If you kiss me,I'll throw up.