Original subtitles

-Oh, okay. Bye. -Nice to meet you.

-Good morning, Radar. -Hi, Father.

I, uh, thought you might bet the football pool.

For, uh, ten bucks, this time tomorrow

you could be $1,000 richer.

All the wealth I want,you can find in here.

Oh, is that where you keep it?

Little joke.

Uh, listen, Father, you know,

you don't have to write your name.

You could just make a little cross.

Very well.

Hey, Klinger, you wannaget in on the pool?

No, all I wanna do is get out of the army.

Just keep wearingthose dresses.

They're not gettin' me out.

-They're only gettin' me whistles. -Uh-huh.

Henry, tune in the game, will ya?

Easy, will ya?I'm trying!

Henry's not very good with his hands.

That's why he became a surgeon.

Very funny.

Hey, hey, I got it! Here we go!

Oh, oh, oh! Woah, oh, oh.

ALL: Hey, hey, hey!

MAN : Nothing less than death

will be reward for you

American running dogs of imperialism!

He sure picked a funny wayto sell used cars.

REPORTER: And so, with less than two minutes to go

before the Army-Navy kickoff, we pause for--

Look, sir, $1,000!

1,000 bucks?

Don't nobody move. This is a stick-up!

Maybe we'll forget the stick-up.

I got a better idea.

Am I late? I had to change.

If you think I'm giving you my chair,

you're crazy, lady.

How about one for the Gipper?

Father, Notre Dameis not playing.

Oh, well, then what's allthe excitement about?

REPORTER: Navy, having won the toss, has elected to receive.

There's electric excitement in the stands

as we prepare to witness this 53rd gridiron classic.

-Uh-oh. -Quiet, Radar.

Uh, sir, I think you betterforget about the game.

-Huh?

Wow, that's close.

That guy can really kick a ball.

More on the way!

-Check the hospital. -4077 MASH.

-Look after the bed cases first.-Yes, sir.

Have anyone who canwalk give you a hand.

-Oh, sir. -McIntyre--

Have Major Burns look after the hospital.

-Have Major Burns-- -He'll work from here.

Right.I'll work from here.

-Radar, who was on the phone?-Regimental Headquarters, sir.

They just want us to know that we're under enemy attack.

They don't miss a trick.

Also, the navy fumbled.

The army's got the ball on the 35.

Terrific. For a minute,I thought we were in trouble.

What the...

Regimental Headquarters,please.

Radar, get meRegimental Headquarters.

See if they can't takesome heat off us.

I'm with you.

Pierce?

Are you scared?

Don't be silly.

I'm too frightened to be scared.

-Doc? -Yeah?

How come my nurse needs a shave?

Frank, you're magnificentin the face of danger.

I know.

Excuse me.

You haven't seen my crucifix, have you?

Someone yanked it off,trying to break their fall.

No, Father.

-Who's winning the game?-I dunno.

We temporarily lost our country.

Doctor!

-Are we dead?-Feels like heaven to me.

RADAR: Gangway!

Headquarters?

I can't hear you. Speak up, will you?

Fragments came through the office.

Is that you, Mildred?

I'm going to be a little late, dear.

Trapper, check him out,will ya?

-Come on, Henry. -Hello? Operator, we've been cut off.

-Hello?-What did headquarters say?

-We never got through. -Let's try again.

-Come on. -All right.

Uh, just a moment,Pierce.

With Henry in that condition,I'm in charge here.

Okay, Frank, go slip into your crown and robe

and you tell us what to do!

All right.

-Well?-Well, give me a minute.

I'm not sure we've got one!

They're shelling our ears off from both sides!

Get down!

Hello?

Stay down.

Stay down?

Either something that wassupposed to happen didn't,

or something that didn'tis gonna!

And if it does,down is gonna be up!

Hello?

There's an unexplodedshell out there.

We know, Frank. We know.

We've got to evacuateimmediately!

I think I did.

Operator, we've been cut off.

Hello?

Hello? Hel-- Yes, yes. Please hold.

Uh, Hawkeye, uh,Regimental Headquarters,

Colonel Hersh.

-Was that a-- -Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't panic.

I'm doing that for everybody.Go help inside.

Hello, Colonel.

Captain Pierce, 4077th MASH.

-Can you speak up?-

HAWKEYE: Hello?

-Hello? -Look, you're gonna have to speak up.

It's hard to hear with the game on.

Listen, we got a littlegame of our own.

Not only are we pinneddown by enemy fire,

we just got an unexploded bombright in the middle of the compound,

and everybody's waitingfor the kickoff.

Steady, Captain.

It's emergencies like this that separate

the men from the boys.

I'm sure it will.

First of all, you're to stay put.

Your whole sector is being hit very heavily.

What about the bomb?

You have to determine

if the bomb is still ticking.

You got any stethoscopesaround there?

We're a medical unit!

Place your stethoscope on the bomb... gently.

Keep the vibrations and the noise down to a minimum.

I won't say anythingif it doesn't.

Check the outer casing for any markings,

you know, serial numbers.

Then get back to me, and I'll tell you how to defuse it.

Call me at half-time, will you, Captain?

Certainly.

If I don't hear from you,I'll understand.

Well, what did he say?

He said if you followinstructions, Frank,you won't have any problems.

If I follow? Well, why me?

You're in charge,aren't you?

Well, yes.

The bomb has to be defused.

That's not somethingyou can order another manto do, is it?

What's the scam?

Just about to draw strawsto see who goes outand defuses the bomb.

Boy, do I know when to come into a room.

Short match goes outand gives the bomb a physical.

-I'm a married man, you know.-So am I.

I'm not.

You got more to live for than either of us.

Okay. Who bought it?

Just go out thereand write down allthe markings you can find.

Most importantly, find outif the bomb is still ticking.

Good luck, buddy.

Are you all right, Frank?

Hmm?

Oh, sure.

I just need a moment to compose myself...

always before a crisis.

There.

-Odds or evens? -Evens.

The little black tips, they go in your ears.

-Radar! -Shh!

Who are you shushing?

What are you doingwalking around out here

in your stocking feet?

What, have you beenat the still again, right?

-I'm working on a bomb.-What kind of bomb?

An unexploded bomb.

Oh, that kind of bomb.

Well?

The ticker's very faint.

Not the bomb's-- mine.

The bomb is ticking awayloud and clear.

The letters A, Able,

F, Fox,

S, Sugar, 72485.

Then underneath, three small circles and a square.

Are you sure, Colonel? Those markings don't check out at all.

It's not a Russian bomb,

Chinese, Polish, Czech--

Doesn't even belong tothe United States Army.

Well, then what do we do?

Try calling the navy.

Why would the navy dropa bomb on us?

Because we're beating 'em 14 to nothing.

-Radar!-I've put the call in, sir.

We should have Naval Operations in a minute.

-Father? -Yes.

-Yes?-Its me, Corporal Klinger.

Why, Klinger!

Surprised, huh, Father?

First time you ever seen mewithout a dress, right?

Exactly.

Why, you're-- You're a very nice-looking young man.

Not that you don't make a very nice-looking young woman as well.

I mean, you know, when you wear--

Father, this is the suitI was drafted in.

I wasn't gonna wear ittill I got discharged.

With that bomb out there,

I figured I'd be going homein a million pieces.

Well, not necessarily.

I just wantedto be sure you knew why

I always wore dressesaround here.

It's only that I would doanything to get out of the army.

I understand.

At the draft board,I ate the eye chart.

I licked the doctor's ear.

I jammed his letter openerin my heel.

Not one of life's volunteer's, eh, son?

It's only that I wasbrought up to respectlife, Father.

And that's impossiblewith all this killing.

-Quite.-So this is the last waypeople are gonna see me--

like a personwith a nice suit.

Unless, of course,

the bomb don't go off.

Then I'll backin a dress so fast,

it'll melt your rosary.

Sorry, Father.

Not at all.

Uh, sir?

Commander Sturner,Naval Operations, Seoul.

Uh, Commander?

Uh, this is Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake,

MASH 4077th.

What can I do for you, Drake?

Sir, we've got anunexploded bomb in our camp.

We're trapped under constant enemy fire,

we're loaded with wounded,and the only way out of here

is through our own minefield.

Well, there's only one thing to do.

-Yes? -Punt!

We should--I beg your pardon, sir.

Did you say--

-Sorry.

My advice is hoist anchor,shove off.

Oh, but the army's ordersare to stay.

The army? What do they know?

They just fumbled ontheir own one-yard line.

Look, can you tell me whether the navy

is bombing any inland targets?

I certainly hope so.

Well, then have you gotany armature marked, uh...

Uh, it's marked AFS-72485.

And then there's threesmall circles underneath

and a-- and a square.

Let me get back to you.

I just hope I'm here when you do.

I was saving this for New Year's Eve, but...

the way things are...

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪

No sad songs.

If that bomb should explode,I'm prepared for us

to go off together,Margaret.

If we had only met in another time,

in another place.

It would've been nice.

"Nice," Frank?

Just... nice?

Well, not just nice.It would've been, um...

nifty.

There's nothing to do tillthat navy joker calls.

We just have to sit and wait.

Can't even get thatdamn game on the radio.

No, sir.

21-20.

How do you know that, sir?

Ohio State - Illinois.Last game of the season.

I was team manager.

Oh...

Two minutes to go.

Crazy Wilenskygreat quarterback,

only weighed 120 pounds.

Got arrested the next yearfor punching a milk horse.

Anyway, Crazy snaps one off,

throws a bombto Tanker Washington.

Old Tank runs it down tothe Ohio State one-foot line.

One foot!Can you imagine?

12 inches.

Not 12 inches,one foot.

Anyway, Tanker's hurt,twisted his ankle.

So, quick as a flash,thousands of eyes on me,

I run across that fieldand tape that leg

good and tight,then run off.

30 seconds to go.

The ball snappedto Crazy.

Crazy fakes a hand-offto Butcher Palasco,

and then gives itoff to Tanker.

And Tanker starts offand hits the ground screaming,

his face twistedwith pain.

-Tackled. -No.

I taped the wrong leg.

Was he mad?

To this day,once a year,

Tank Washingtoncomes to my house

and shoots outthe porch light.

And he's a judge now.

Don't I know your sister?

Uh, Lieutenant?

Yes, Radar?

Uh, I have a little confession I'd like to make.

I'll be right with you.

No, uh, Father...

For months now, I haveworshipped you from below.

Why, Radar...

Uh, with all these bombs going off

and the one that hasn't yet,I thought maybe

you and I could check outthe supply tent together.

I wish I could wink.

You don't need to.

Bomb's got to go off.I never had such a good hand.

Really, poker face?

I'll open for two blues.

Hey, wait a minute.

The blues are worth fiveor ten thousand dollars?

For the last time,the whites are worth $5,000,

the blues areworth $10,000,

the reds areworth 25,000.

The whole stack is wortha million.

And a the end of the game,we'll settle for half.

-I'll call. -By the way,

what happens if the bomb doesn't go off?

Then the whitesare worth 25 cents,

the blues are worth 50 cents,and the reds are worth a dollar.

Ring!

Yeah?

Drake, I finallytracked your bomb down.

Yes, Commander.

It's whose?

-The CIA's? -You heard me.

The CIA has their own bombs?

Yep, and it's oneof theirs.

What do you mean, "theirs?"

I thought we werein this thing together.

Look, the important thing is little bugger's

been ticking out there for an hour.

On its own, it could go off in another hour.

When it stops ticking, the navy thinks

it detonates itself in two minutes.

The navy thinks?The navy doesn't know?

Well, the-the CIA won't tell anyone its business.

If we blow up, I hopeI rain down all over them.

Look, all we know is it'sa spring-cylinder type.

It's got two clockworkattached fuses--

one at the base, one at the head.

I've got the, uh, disarminginstructions right here.

-Mattresses? -Right there.

You got the rightinstructions, Henry?

-I hope so. -I hope so, too.

Otherwise, I'm gonnacome back in the next life

as a squirrel and runright up your pants leg.

Here are the tools.

One for the road?

While we still got one.

What happened toyour two friends

who play the fifeand drum?

Look, I've, uh, moved the wounded out

as far as I dare.

Those of us that are stayingbehind are mighty grateful.

Wait'll you getour bill.

Now, look, you guys.

I'm gonna be on the squawk box to you

-from the bunker. -Gotcha.

Just defuse it and then run like hell.

But with dignity.

Pierce! McIntyre! Can you hear me?

One more yell like that,

and you and I will haveinterchangeable parts.

Heartbeat's regular.

First you need a wrench.

All right, now place it gently on the nut

just above the locking ring, and loosen.

Now, rotate the locking ring counterclockwise.

Now...

remove the tail assembly.

And carefully cut the wires leading

to the clockwork fuse at the head.

But first remove the fuse.

Psst, psst!

You spring a leak?

It stopped ticking!

Let's get the helloutta here.

We've only gottwo minutes... maybe.

It was a propaganda bomb.

"Give yourselves up.You can't win.

"Douglas MacArthur."

MAN : Attention! The final score:

Navy 42, Army 36.

And the winner of the football pool is...

Father Mulcahy.

You won again.

You always win. Who do you know?

HAWKEYE: Name-dropper.

Uh, excuse me.

Now that things are backto normal around here,

I have a confessionto make.

Yeah? What is it?

I'll tell you later.