Original subtitles

Oh, that's good,that's good.

I hope that wasn'tsomething vitally importantyou just threw in there.

Oh, no, no, sir--just some copies of orders,

rescinding ordersthat were never sent out.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Why can't they send ussomething decent to wear?

You know, I hear they gota whole bunch of, uh, uh,

uh, winter issue in a big warehouse in Seoul.

Wish they'd send us some of that stuff.

You know, I am sickof going through Command.

Look, let's send a letterstraight to Quartermaster.

Yes, sir.

-Okay, uh... Commanding Officer. -"Commanding Officer."

-Quartermaster Corps.-"Quartermaster Corps."

-Uh, sir... -"Sir." Seoul.

-Seoul. -"Seoul, sir."

"Seoul, sir."

Uh, I, uh, gratefullyacknowledge the receipt

-of your latest shipmentof supplies to our unit.-...supplies to our unit.

The mosquito nettingand the summer underwear

were very much appreciated.

I am wearing so many pairsof cotton drawers,

my thighs don't knoweach other any more.

"...my thighs don't know each other any more."

Don't tell him aboutmy thighs, Corporal!

-What's the matter with you?-I'm sorry.

-All right. Paragraph two.-Two...

Okay, I, uh...

I respectfully ask,however, that you review

our latest request for,uh, long underwear,

...for long underwear.

parkas with, uh,fur liners...

Hey, and you know those,uh, nice woolly caps

-with the earmuffs? -Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, okay, put that down,but in, uh, military talk.

Now then, uh, to the bestof my knowledge,

the entire outfitis enduring severe hardship

due to the lackof warm clothing.

- Have you got that? - Soon as my hands thaw out, sir.

♪ In the cool, cool, cool of the evening ♪

♪ When the singin' fills the air ♪

♪ In the shank of the night, when the doin's are right ♪

♪ Oh, you can tell 'em I'll be there ♪

♪ Oh, you can tell 'em I'll be there ♪

♪ In the shank of the night, when the doin's are right ♪

♪ Well, you can tell 'em I'll be there ♪

♪ Well, you can tell 'em I'll be there ♪

Courage, Camille.

You wanna turn downthe radiator?

I worked up a sweatout there.

You're wearin' long johns.

Certainly I am. You think I want to

catch cold and die like you?

Where did you get 'em?

My father sent 'em to me,

right after I wrote himI'd be home for Christmas,

whether Truman said I could or not.

-Hawkeye? -Yeah?

I'll give you $20 forthat pair of long johns.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't take 12 of your toes for these.

I'm warm, warm, do you hear?

Warm!

I'll give you, uh...

I'll give you $50and a picture of my children.

Stop dripping your filthygerms on my bedclothes.

$60, you canhave the children.

Thanks, but I have no place to keep them.

Why don't you take your otherblanket and use that?

I'd like to,but somebody stole it.

This war is turningeverybody into a criminal,

and it's makingme sick.

Well, next time, try tostay out of the draft.

That's great!

Oh, boy, listen to that wind.

♪ The snow is snowing

♪ The wind is blowing

♪ But I can weather the storm ♪

Now, look, pal...

I don't care how pitiful you get,

I am not giving you my long johns.

I don't want 'em.

You keep 'em.

No point in both of usgetting sick.

Fine.

You better get some rest, Hawkeye.

You're gonna need allyour strength tomorrow...

to bury me.

Some people don't careabout anybody but themselves.

Now shut up and go to sleep!

It's your bet, Radar.

If I have three cards and they're all red,

is that three of a kind?

Is that a question for a grown man to ask?

Okay, I bet 20 bucks.

20 bucks?

-Like taking candyfrom a baby.-I fold.

- You? - Foldissimo.

Well, I'm in.

Trouble is, I don't have20 actual dollars.

The mummy here beat mefor 170 bucks tonight.

Well, how you gonna bet?

Um, could I, uh, could Iinterest you in, uh--

You got long underwear?

Wait a minute!

I gave them to you 'causeyou were choking to death!

You can't bet my long johns

just because your nose stopped running!

I got to.I'm down to my last $3

and an old brassiere hook.I-I gotta get even.

Suppose you lose!

Against him?

I-I want to see this underwear first.

I have very sensitive skin.

Wow!

Soft as a baby's bottom.

Okay, let me see your cards.

You better win, pal.

Full house.

I guess that beats two pair, right?

It sure does.

What were they?

-Tens. -Yeah, tens and what?

That's it. Two pairs of tens.

Is that good?

You lost them!

How did it happen?

You lost my beautifuldouble-weave, semi-woolen,

sensuously soft long johns

to an astigmatic missing link with four tens!

That's how it happened!

All right, bub.

Put your underwear where your mouth is.

I haven't been this warm in days.

What a terrific invention.

Hawkeye, can you do thatand walk at the same time?

I'd like to eat this beforeI have broccoli-sicles.

Certainly, Mr. Full House.

Why don't you sit with us doctors

so this remarkeable discoverydoesn't get lost to science?

Oh, I can't, Hawkeye.

I promised I'd sit with someone else.

Is there a reason thisline is going so slow,

it's moving inthe opposite direction?

I just lost a fantastichand-warmer to another guy

and I wanna see who it is.

She must have frostbite on her taste.

Let's get closer.

How did you getyour hands on them?

Uh, well...

When you've been around for a while

in this man's army,

you-you-you get to learna few of the ins and outs.

What the hell is he talking about?

Put your hand in there.

Oh, it feels so good.

Soft as a baby's bottom.

I'll break his leg, set it,and break it again.

Can I get you some pie?

Would you?

I gotta keepmy energy up for later.

Uh-huh.

Can I have some more, uh,pie for Nurse Beddoes,sergeant?

Sure.

She's got quitean appetite.

If you know what I mean.

You're some guy, Radar.What's your secret?

Well, I like to put 'em ona pedestal, you know?

Surprise themwith little gifts.

Put your hand in there.Feel that.

If he lets everybody feel them,

there won't be anything leftbut a package of lint.

-Look in here. -Wow!

Is that a whole one?

A complete leg of lamb.

It'd take you a whole weekend to eat it.

Yeah...

In exchange for those.

Does that include the mint jelly?

You got it.

Something came up. I can't make it tonight.

There goes the last of the great leg men.

Filth!

This isn't a kitchen,it's a bacterialbreeding ground,

a germ kennel!

How long of a walk is it from here

to the soup, Sergeant?

About three feet, sir.

And nothing walks fasterthan a bacteria.

A bacterium.

I've made over 700 mealshere, sir,

with only one illness.

That was three months ago.

Are you feeling any better now, sir?

I'm not concerned about myself.

It's the men.

I'm reducing you to Corporal.

Sir, are you busting me?

Yes.

And with a correspondingreduction in pay, of course.

My invalid wife isdependent on my--

my sending her a few dollars every month, sir.

-Is this the same wifeyou had when you poisoned me?-Yes, sir.

As I remember,I couldn't punish you then

because your wifehad just died.

Oh, she got better.

See, they only thought that she was dead.

She was-- she was stiff and everything.

But, uh, it was nothing.

Her death was all in her head.

Sergeant, I would bevery surprised

if you never even had a wife,let alone a stiff one.

The men in this outfitare very lucky

I came in here tonight to get warm,

and found this mess!

Is your tent cold, sir?

No colder than it wasfor our boys at Valley Forge.

I, uh, I wonder if youknow who, uh...

might have left thesehere, sir.

-Double-weave long johns. -Double-weave?

Now, I have no needfor them, sir.

And, uh, if you want them,

you'd be morethan welcome to them.

Hmm...

-Hey. -What?

Look what the giant rodenthas on his body.

Suppurating pustules, if there's any justice.

Where'd you get those long johns?

Wouldn't you like to know.

Those are mine,you hermaphroditic weasel!

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Pierce.

and I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat

under my pillow, so don't try anything!

If I didn't think it wouldwarm you up, Frank,

I'd come over thereand beat you to a pulp!

Pierce:Say your prayers, Frank,or the tooth fairy may come

and knock outall your teeth.

Frank: Imported French Camembert cheese.

Mmm... oh.

Frank, where didyou get it?

My wife sent it to me.

Frank, how muchdo you love me?

-How much? -Yes, much. How much?

Oh, Margaret, you'remy pearl, my guiding star.

Let's drop the poetry,Frank.

How much am I worth to youin cold, hard reality?

Well, I don't understand.

Do you want a loan, Margaret?

I'm talkingabout us, Frank.

What would yougive up for me?

The moon, Margaret, the moon.

That would be a wonderful gesture...

if you had it.

Now, is there anythingyou can think of

that you havethat you would give up?

Gee, no.

How about your wife?

Well, now, would that look to our minister?

He lives right up the street from us.

-Frank... -Hmm?

I think...

I think we shouldre-evaluate our friendship.

Margaret, don't say that.

Whenever you say that,I get nervous chilblains,

and my fingerscrack open.

Oh, get up and don't be disgusting.

Margaret, you knowhow I hate the cold.

You know howmy fingers bleed

when the slightestwinter breezes start.

I can't pick up the smallestlittle thing without pain.

Yes, yes.

May I give you a pair of heavywinter civilian underwear?

You mean if you ever get a pair?

These.

You've let me sit here and freeze to death

with socks on my hands

while you've been paradingaround in those?

You tell your fingersto start bleeding, Frank,

and get out!

After you give me that underwear!

Hold it, fella!

Mickey Mouse has warts.

Nevermind the small talk. This is a stick-up.

I'm not making small talk.That's the password.

And you can't hold me up.I'm a major.

Sure I can. I'm crazy.

Ask anybody.

"Crazy Klinger, he wears a dress."

Take off your clothes.

Take off my clothes?

Now, look, Klinger...

I know you're trying toget sent home as a nut,

but wearing dressesis bad enough.

Don't get repulsive!

I want your long johns. Strip.

I don't happen to havethem any more.

And you're going to be sentto the stockade for this!

Don't, Major.

I gotta have long johns.

I'm getting a terrible draft up my skirt.

If you had the gutsto serve your countrylike the rest of us,

you wouldn't haveto work so hard

to prove you're crazy.

You don't think this takes guts?

Walkin' around all night

in this little, thin cocktail dress?

I don't even have a fur stole.

I have to wear this cheap cloth thing

to keep from freezing.

Hold it!

Out of my way, Klinger,or you're under arrest!

Major Burns,nobody takes me seriously.

I'm gettin' tiredof that.

Damn it, I'm freezing myself!

Major Houlihan has the long underwear!

Oh, sorry, sir. No offense.

Outta my way, you freak.

The next time we meet, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!

Somebody! Quick! Somebody!

-What's the matter? Are you all right?-Yes, yes! Quick, get inside!

Get in here.Quick, close the door.

You don't know the nightsI've lain awake dreaming of this moment.

May I kiss your oak leaf, Major?

Where were you just now?

Over in surgery,

perfecting my old sawing-the-man-in-half routine.

Where do you think I was at this time of night?

Somebody ran offwith my underwear.

Well, I hope that teachesyou something about blind dates, Margaret.

They were stolen from my clothesline.

They were very valuable double-weave, woollen long johns!

Your underwear?

Now they'reyour underwear?

You wouldn't evenhave seen them

if Trapper hadn't beencoughing up his lungs.

And that febrile idiotdidn't hold four tensagainst our throats,

then get an adolescent crushon a leg of lamb.

Your underwear?!

Once you got them,you couldn't evenkeep your hands on them!

Only God knowswhere they are now.

- Here you are, soldier.- Thank you, Father.

You're very welcome.

Klinger: Psst! Father!

Over here.

Yes?

I'd like to ask your adviceon a spiritual matter.

Why certainly.

If you need something--

I mean, if you're really cold or something,

it wouldn't be a mortal sinto steal something

from somebody who was kindof a rotten person anyway?

-Would it? -Well have you stolen something?

These.

Oh, my.

Aren't they nice?

Well whoever youtook these from mustbe very cold right now.

Father, if I give 'em back,

the certain person I took them from

would like to have me killed.

I've really been trying to avoid that lately.

-Oh, I see.-I keep hearing the artillerygoing off every night

when I go to sleep.

Every night it keeps getting closer.

I can't stand it anymore.

Yes, I know.I hear it, too.

-You hear it, too?-Yes, it gets closerevery night.

I'm really in trouble.

I was just making that up.

Father, you've got to help me!

I gotta get out of here!

Put your soulin order, my son!

Excuse me, I thinkyou're bending my glasses.

Well, couldn't I justgive them to a needy person?

I know it's hard, but tryto do what's right.

-Try. -I'll try, Father.

May I have your blessing?

Certainly.

But you're holding downthe hand I do that with.

Now, pray for strengthand-and guidance, in order--

Hello?

Oh, dear.

They certainly look toasty, Father.

Actually, I took the libertyof wearing them last night.

It was getting late,

and I didn't wantto bother you.

Had my first real night'ssleep in ten days.

I'll bet you did.

Well, better keepthem locked up

until you can find the owner.

A lot of people would liketo get their hands on them.

Oh, don't you worry, Father.

I'll ask around, I'll ask around.

And then meanwhile I'll stayvery close to these.

-Thank you.-Nice talking to you.

-Uh, Radar? -Yes, sir?

Uh, Radar, have you lost anything?

Have you foundanything, sir?

I'll ask the questions.

No, I don't think so.

Fine, fine.

Then I want you to note that I asked you

that question at noon on this day.

Thanks. Yes, sir.

Is there anything elseyou'd like me to note, sir?

Uh, no, that is all.

Uh, would you mind signing this?

-No, we'll do that later.-Thank you for--

Is Henry in?

Oh, uh, some of him is.

But most of him is still hanging out.

Move!

Oh, hi.

Are we interruptinganything?

I guess this lookspretty funny to you guys.

Why? Are we laughing?

We came to reportthe disappearance

of a pair of long johns,which we own,

and whichyou are wearing.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, can you identify them?

I got a better idea.

Why don't youidentify 'em.

-Okay. -Uh, without looking.

Oh.

-Well, uh, they're long.-And they're johns.

That's them, all right. I guess they're his.

-Okay, Henry, let's have 'em.-Come on.

Wait a minute.If you think I'm handingthese over to you guys

without checking this out--

Look, I'm, uh,planning on conducting

a very thorough investigation.

I mean, it might take a couple of months...

Come on, Henry! We want them!

You're talking to two very cold, very crazed people!

Well, look, you both can'twear 'em at the same time.

We're gonna have a contest.

Whoever throws you farthestgets to keep them.

Ooh!

I didn't even touch him.

What's the matter, Henry?Are you sick?

No, don't be an idiot.

It's a new dance.

No, it's justa little indigestion.

Now, forget it. Get lost.

Let me feelyour abdomen.

You don't have to feel my abdomen.

I'm fine.

Fine.

I told youit's a new dance.

Very graceful, Henry.

-This hurt?

Henry, I think what you'rehaving trouble digesting

is your appendix.

Oh, I knew you'd say that.

First thing you guys wantto do is cut a guy open.

A couple of sadistic creeps.

Look, this is justyour basic gastric distress.

How long have youhad these pains, Henry?

Off and on for a couple of weeks.

I thought there wassomething bothering you.

What-what other symptomsare you having?

I don't have any symptoms.

Look, it'll all clear upthe next time I throw up.

You've been throwing up?

Well, uh...

Come on now. Don't get any ideas.

You guys aren't gonna cut me open.

I mean, nobody's gonna cut me open.

We better dosomething quick.

This examinationis killing me.

Oh, he's burning up.

I think his indigestion is about to burst.

All right, Henry, can youmake it into a table,

or do you want usto carry you?

-I'll walk. -Let's go.

By the way, I loved youin "Duck Soup."

Did you lose something, sir?

Go get Nurse Beddoes.We're cutting him open.

Just 'cause he stole your underwear?

Will you go?

I want a local.

And I wanna knowwhat you guys are doing

every step of the way.

Okay, don't worry.

No, you better give me gas.

I don't want to see any blood.

Just take it easy, will you? Relax.

Leave this to us.

I saw this in a movie once.

What are you gonna do with those?

I'm just gonna expose your skin.

No, no!

Henry, I haven't even touched you yet!

Never mind me!Don't cut the long johns!

Clamp.

Radar : Attention, attention.

Here's the announcement you've all been waiting for.

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake is the proud father

of a bouncing baby appendix.

Henry's doing fine.

And the underwear's been saved.

We're a hit.

Colonel Blake wants to thank you

for saving his life, Hawkeye.

Oh, shucks, tweren't nothin'.

Well, anyway, he wants you to have

this token of his undying gratitude.

I hopethat's a discharge.

Oh, no.

It's these.

Oh...

Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no.

Nah-uh. Forget it.

Well, how about...

No, no! Uh-uh! Forget it!

No, sir. No, sir!