Original subtitles

Hawkeye Pierce: "Dear Dad,

"Sorry I haven't written sooner,

"but you know how the work piles up around here.

"Korea's pretty much the same story.

"The fighting goes on, the hatred, the violence,

"the senseless brutality, men behaving like animals.

"Then, of course, there's the war.

"Business, unfortunately, remains very brisk.

"I think you know by now I'm not being flip,

"but doing meatball surgery, you either develop

"a thick skin or you wind up in the Tokyo Giggling Academy."

Oh, wow, what a mess.

Stomach...

kidney-- liver...

Hawkeye: What is this, an organ recital?

Keep it down!

I'm doing somethingvery difficult, here.

Trying to tie your shoe again, Frank?

Colonel Blake, could we have some measure

of military discipline?

Good idea.

Everybody up for callisthenics.

Care to join me for some push-ups, Hot Lips?

Oh, really!

Knock it off!

"Luckily, we've got an extra pair of hands these days.

"Captain Adam Casey.

"He's really a fine surgeon, every bit as good as I am,

"and I'll get him for it."

You wanna give me a hand with these intestines.

-They're shot to pieces.-Okay, gimme a retractor.

"The work may be hard and ugly,

"but we can always count on the North Koreans

"to hand us a couple of laughs."

-Oh, what is that?

-MAN: They got the generator.-WOMAN: We need some lightsin here.

HENRY: All right,nobody panic. Let's keep cool.

FRANK: Well, who's panicking? Who's panicking?

-HENRY: You're panicking, Frank!-I can't see anything.

-So? -But it's dark!

Shove any patients youcan't finish under a table.

-They'll be safe there.-

How the hell did you getin the army, Frank?

-3-0 silk. -3-0 silk.

-Suture scissors. -Suture scissors.

Snoo.

"Snoo?"What's "snoo"?

Nothing much. What's "snoo" with you?

Can't you ever be serious?

I tried it once. Everybody laughed.

"And so it goes.

"Here comes Corporal Klinger, one of our orderlies.

"A nice guy whose only purpose in life

"is to get out of the army,

"a purpose shared by three of four million of us,

"only Klinger, he'll stop at nothing."

-Come in.

Captain, I have the X-rays you wanted to look over.

Thank you.

Uh, Klinger...

Do you mind a littleconstructive criticism?

No, sir.

First of all,it's gorgeous.

It's so easy to gooverboard with one of those,

but that's tastefulwithout being gaudy.

Thank you, sir.

Just one suggestion,you must wear a slip.

With the sun behind you,I could see clear through

to your shorts.

Of course, and I've gotso many slips in my tent.

Thanks for the x-rays.

Yes, sir.

May I ask whereyou got that?

Mail-order catalog, sir.

A white wedding gown?

I'm entitled.

I'm a virgin.

HAWKEYE: "I guess the sanest guy in the outfit

"is Father Mulcahy.

"It's a wonder he doesn't go deaf

"from the sound of all the commandments

"breaking around here."

Father?Is everything all right?

It's my back.

You throw it out?

No, but I'd sure like to.

Let's go in the tent.I'll take a look at it.

Thanks.

Thanks, Captain Casey.

Do you have a historyof back trouble?

Started in Jesuit school. All that kneeling.

You stay with your backtoward me, Father,

and just relax.

How's that feel?

Better.

My back really feels better.

Good, good.

Now you just try and takeit easy for a few days,

and stay offyour knees.

Thank you very much, Doctor.

-Father? -Yes?

It's all right.

Oh, doctor, one good turndeserves another.

Father...

Can we consider thisa confessional?

I am a priest.

I'm...not a doctor.

Ooh! Ooh!

HAWKEYE: "I don't want you to think this is a madhouse, Dad.

"We're nowhere near that organized.

"What we are mainly is bored.

"Bored right out of our skulls."

Nothing fazes anybody here!

-What's the matter with you?-Zero! Everybody's a cipher.

-An army of walking zilches.-All of a sudden--

I'm telling you, I couldwalk around this compound--

I bet you I could walkinto that mess tent,

order lunch,stark-naked,

nobody would payany attention to me.

Are you crazy?

I betcha 50 bucks.

A little drinkbefore lunch?

I don't mind if I do.

One for the road,as it were.

I have always relied uponthe kindness of strangers.

We don't usually servepeople without neckties.

Shall we?

After you.

50 bucks.

I left my pocketsback in the Swamp.

Now, that's tasteful without being gaudy.

HAWKEYE: "It's very quiet at the moment, Dad.

"The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly,

"an amazing kid.

"I've never put much stock in ESP,

"but if it is possible for one person

"to read another person's mind,

"Radar has that ability, the little fink."

Is that a nice thing to say?

HAWKEYE: "I don't know what Henry Blake would do without Radar.

"And I don't know what we'd do without Henry.

"But I can't wait to get home and find out."

Uh, sir?

-Yes, Radar? -Are you busy?

No, no-no, no.

-Uh, sign these, please, sir.-Righty-o.

Oh, for...

My dad's pen.

Oh...

What's this, Radar?

That's personal, sir.

Well, you can tell me.

My name's on it.

Well, I'm, uh, taking this correspondence course

from the Triple-AHigh School Diploma Company

of Dellavin, Indiana.

-The Triple-A---High School Diploma Companyof Dellavin, Indiana.

-I see. -Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Well, uh... It's final week--

And you want me to take youto the senior prom, right?

Oh, no...

Oh, no, uh...

That says that I passed my final exam.

How do I know youpassed your final exam?

You must, sir. You signed it.

Uh, easy, Radar.

Now, you know me.I'll sign anything army.

I mean, uh, I'll signthe surrender papers.

But I've got a reputationand a civilian practice

to think about,

and the last thing I needin this world is trouble

from the Triple-AHigh School Diploma Company

of, uh, Dellavin, Indiana.

I'm sorry, sir.

You know, if you want, you could give me the test.

I just didn't want to take up your time.

Oh, that's no problem.

I mean, the war's, uh,pretty slow right now.

Where's the test?

Oh, it's here, sir, in thisofficially sealed envelope.

The seal's broken.

Oh?

Well, that must have been the censor.

They're always on the lookoutfor a dirty question.

Now, let's see here.

All right, Radar,take a piece of paper,

and a pencil,and, uh, sit down.

Comfortable?

C-O-M-F-O--

-No, no, no, no, no, no.-R--

That was justa rhetorical question.

Oh.

Well, I don't study those.

Study what?

Rhetoricals?

Come on, Radar.Stop horsing around.

Um, I, uh... I'm very nervous, sir.

Well, look, um, uh,take a deep breath.

That makes me throw up.

Look, just settle down.

Uh, now, this is not gonna be difficult.

There. Good boy.

Okay?

Yes, sir.

First question.

Um, "what isa three-sided object

"with two equal sides?"

The Gettysburg Address.

"For which speechis Abraham Lincolnmost remembered?"

The isosceles triangle.

Something wrong?

No, no, no.

No, your answersare right.

Oh...

You just memorized themin the wrong order.

Well, I just peeked at the first few.

That's cheating.

It's my only chance.

Nonsense, Radar.

Now, you're smart enoughto get through this

on your own.

-Okay? -Okay.

Now, uh, I'm gonnagive you two famousdates from history.

Okay.

-1492. -Okay, hold it.

1492, yeah.

-1776. -1776, uh-huh.

Now, what do these--

-I know! -What?

3,268.

Congratulations, Radar.

You've just graduatedfrom the Triple-A

High School Diploma Companyof Dellavin, Indiana.

Oh, oh!

Oh, thank you, sir.

Thank you very much.

Um... oh.

This is the proudest moment of my life.

-Radar? -Sir?

-Your dad's pen? -Yeah.

See if you can get the coffeeout of it, will ya?

Yes, sir.

HAWKEYE: "Now, dad let me bring you up to date

"on Frank Burns and Hot Lips,

"the King Kong and Fay Wray of the 4077th.

"Last week, Frank paid an afternoon call,

"but Hot Lips argued that she had a brain

"and Frank was only interested in her bones.

"We then found out, that impossible as Frank is as an enemy,

"he's intolerable as a friend."

-Knock, knock. -Who's there?

-Abe Lincoln. -Abe Lincoln who?

Don't you know me?

-That's awful.

-OK, can I do another one?-No!

-Knock, knock. -Who's there?

-Thomas Jefferson. -Thomas Jefferson who?

Was Abe Lincoln just here?

Hawkeye,I never liked you.

Hiya, Chuckles.

I gotta hand it to you, Frank.

You got all the gaietyof an impacted wisdom tooth.

Is that a martini?

In case you didn't readthe paper today,

Prohibitionwas repealed.

Well, I want one.

A drink? You, Frank?

A double.

Frank, if you have a drink,you'll loosen up.

You might even smile.

Frank, you could break your face!

And leave outthe olive.

You want to talk about it, Frank?

I don't want to talkabout it.

I don't want to thinkabout it.

I don't want to thinkabout talking about it.

Hey, Frank, take it easy. That's very young gin.

Frank, go slow.That stuff will takethe paint off your stomach.

Fill 'er up.

♪ A, B, C, D

♪ E, F, G, H, I...

♪ I got a gal in Kalamazoo

-Frank?-Zoo.

-Frank?-Yo!

If you don't stop singing,I'll glue your tongue down!

Don't be a party pooper.

Or a pooter parpy.

Frank, the party's over.It's a quarter of three.

♪ And there's no one in the place except you and me ♪

-Frank, you take requests?-Anything.

Shut your cakehole.

♪ Oh, shut your cakehole

♪ The more I want you

Come on, Frank, knock it off!Close your eyes!

If I close my eyes,my brain won't get any air.

-Your what?-I got a brain, you know!

I got a brainas big as hers are.

Right, pal.Right, buddy.

Pal and buddy.

I sure hope that's not a song.

Get away from there, Frank.We're closed.

You know,

no one ever called me "pal" or "buddy"

in my whole rotten life.

You know what my ownbrother used to call me?

My own brother?

Ferret Face.

Can you imagine that?

Do you think I look like a weasel?

-No, Frank. You're very handsome. -Honest?

-Honest. -Really?

-Do you thinkhe looks like a weasel?-Who?

Ferret Face!

Hey, I had a brother used to call me that.

Frank, go to sleep.You look beautiful.

Say, you sure you don'tlove me just for my body?

Believe me, Frank, that's the last thing

we love about you. Go to sleep.

Come on, you guys, let's do something!

MAN:Hey, knock it off over there!

Oh, yeah? How'd you liketo step inside and say that?

Come on, fellas. Let's do something.

We don't want to do anything.

Then I'll do something.

-What should I do? -Fall down, Frank.

Right.

-How do you like the color?-I love it.

Can I see you fora second, Hawkeye?

I told you not to disturb me during the Korean War.

You know, I love your blood type.

I've always liked girlswith your blood type...

Uh, it's important.

Go away!

This young lady ofthe nurse persuasion and I

are discussing the possibility of a surrender.

She's giving me her terms right now.

Why don't we go back to my place and--

Uh, I think you're gonnawant to see this.

W-w-where are you going right now?

-To the nurses' shower.-Good, then I'll see you.

Unless they plugged up the hole.

-Important, huh? -Yep.

It better be, or I'm puttingyour appendix back.

Terrific.

Captain Casey, huh?

-I'm gonna go talk to him right now. -After the choppers.

-What choppers? -RADAR: Wait for it.

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Incoming choppers with wounded.

Report to the hospital, all personnel.

-Very good work, Captain Casey.-Thank you, Father.

I'll give youa hand here.

It's all right, Captain.

Better let me give youa hand, Sergeant.

The provost marshal hasa circular out on you.

You're hot, fella.

Are you gonna blow the whistle?

Be off the base in24 hours, and never, repeat,

never touch a patient againwithout a licence.

And contact methe minute you get one.

You're a damngood surgeon.

On the level?

Next to you, Frank Burnsis an alterations lady.

Thanks.

I gotta ask youone question.

"Why?"

Well, I've passed myself off as a teacher,

a lawyer, an engineer.

I can do it all.

I just never had the patience

to go through it by the numbers.

I guess I never had the drive

to get the diploma, the permit, whatever.

Try it once.

You'll be great, Casey.

Schwartz, actually.

HAWKEYE: "I forgot to thank you for sending me your old tuxedo.

"It really added a touch of class

"to our charity no-talent night."

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Before bringing onour all-star attraction,

I'd like to say that tonight

we raised over $300 forthe Korean Refugee Fund.

And-and someone who wishesto remain anonymous

gave $5 for Israel.

And now we'd like to bring you an act

with a lot of polish.

And they're going to sell itright after the show.

And here they are,those doctors of rhythm,

those medics of melody,the 4077th's own

Hawkeye Pierceand his Swinging Surgeons,

under the directionof Colonel Henry Blake!

Give me an M.

- -♪ You'll see a smiling face

♪ When evening is nigh

♪ We'll hurry to my blue heaven ♪

♪ Heaven

♪ A turn to the right

♪ A little white light

♪ Will lead you to my blue heaven ♪

♪ You'll see a smiling face a fireplace a cozy room ♪

♪ A little nest that's nestled where the roses bloom ♪

♪ Just Molly and me

♪ And baby makes three

♪ We're happy in my blue heaven ♪

One more time!

HAWKEYE: "I'd like to write more, Dad, but it is Saturday night,

"the one night we all look forward to.

"I'm gonna shower now, shave, put on a clean uniform

"and cry myself to leep

"Kiss mom and sis."

Hawkeye! Hawkeye, are you asleep?

I never know.

There's somebody here who'd like to say goodbye to you.

I'd just like to thank youfor everything you did.

And everything you didn't.

In a place crawlingwith characters,

you certainly heldyour own, "doctor".

No, not any more.

Goodbye, my son.