Original subtitles

-Margaret. -Frank.

Oh, Margaret, you don'tknow what it does to me,

being near you all day in surgery,

only able to touch you through rubber gloves.

Oh...

Dance?

You all right?

Oh, yes.

It's just this song.

It gives me goose bumps.

I'm the same way about "Pennsylvania 6-5000."

Ohh, you're so light on your feet.

I was voted "Most Graceful" in my class

at Veloz and Yolanda.

Oh...

Oh, Frank.

Frank, that's marvelous,

but the blood is beginningto rush to my head.

It's not marvelous, Margaret.

It's my back. I can't move.

Frank, don't moan.

But I have to.

When a man's in pain, he has to moan.

No, not unless hewants to get caught

in a lady's tent.

I won't moan a word.

But we've got to do something.

Can't you let go of me?

I'll try.

Now... go get help.

But they'll see us...dressed like this.

In my tent!With a candle.

And "I'm In theMood For Love".

But, Margaret, I need help!

Oh, and you'll get help,my darling...

but not in my tent!

I don't think I shouldbe here, Hawkeye.

War's a dirty business, Lieutenant.

None of us should be here.

I mean in your tent.

My tent's a dirty business, too,

but it's a lot more fun than the war.

Wait.

Have an olive for your martini.

Olive? There aren'tany olives in Korea.

There are at least a dozen right here in this jar.

From China.

Communist China?

I never talk politics with an olive.

But they do comefrom up there.

Mm-hmm.

How?

Well, let's just say

I know a Red on the black market

who gets me green olives.

BOTH: Ohh!

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, those dumb commies.

That's why they'll lose.

You can't conquer the world

with a shoddy olive.

Hitler found that out.

Mm. Mm.Oh, this is sensational.

You're my kind of girl, Nancy:

drunk.

TRAPPER JOHN: Hawkeye.

Are you a ventriloquist?

Mm-mm. It's your roomie.

I thought you were shooting craps with the chaplain.

It's Frank. He's had an accident.

Well, give him a mop

and tell him to be more careful next time.

Come on, give me a hand, will you?

I'm serious.

I hate him when he's serious.

Be right back.

What's the matter, Frank?

-It's my---His back. It's his back.

How'd it happen?

-Well, I-- -Uh, he fell.

On his way to the shower.

He was comingfrom that direction

from his tent, I guess,

going in that direction--the showers.

Were youdirecting traffic

at the time ofthe accident, Officer?

Don't get snippy, Captain.

Frank, do you have a history with your back?

Oh, it goes out every few years.

The last time was V-J Dayin Times Square

when this big sailor hugged me.

Let's get himto the post-op ward

and string him up.Maybe traction would help.

Oh, traction helps.

Usually a day or two in traction and I'm--

Now wait a minute, Frank. I'm the doctor here.

I thought I wasthe doctor here.

Actually, we're all doctors here.

Even the patient's a doctor here.

Hear, hear.

Will you clowns act like professionals?

That man is hurt.

He's probably in shock.

He'll be in divorce court

if you don't erasethe tracks from your tent.

Well, Frank, how goes it?

He's restingcomfortably, Colonel.

Thank you, Major.

Any pain, Frank?

Slight muscle spasms this morning,

but re-adjusting the traction helped.

Thank you.

-Radar, give me the-- -Yes, sir.

-Thank you. -Welcome.

Uh, I wonder if we could discuss this, Frank.

It seems you've, um, appliedfor the Purple Heart.

Yes, Colonel, you see,the way we understand it--

Major, unless Frank's tongue's broken,

I'd like to hear it from him.

Frank?

Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um...

put in for the Purple Heart.

But according to your accident report,

you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.

-Yes. -Is that the way

you want it announced at the awards ceremony?

"Tripped in the mud onthe way to the shower"?

Well-Well, I-I...

Sir, this injurywas sustained

at a front line unit.

Technically, that makesit battle-connected.

On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.

What are you doing here, Pierce?

Well, I havea stethoscope fetish.

This is the only placeI can wear one

without attractingattention.

Henry, you'renot gonna endorse

this idiot'sapplication, are you?

That's "Major" to you, Captain!

Henry, you're notgonna endorse

this major idiot'sapplication, are you?

Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide

when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision,

and that will, uh, decide.

Doc! Doc!

Now take it easy, kid.I'm a doctor.

Ohh... But I need Dr. Pierce.

He's the only one who can help me.

I'm Pierce.What's the problem?

You're my problem. I think I love you.

Tommy!

You're a beautiful sight.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I'm an American soldier.I'm one of the good guys.

Last I heard, I thoughtyou had a fool-proof wayto beat the draft.

Well, the recruiting sergeantpeeked under my dress,

and here I am.

Henry, I want you to meetone of my best friends--

Tommy Gillis.Tommy, Henry Blake.

Henry, you'rea beautiful sight!

Well, uh, how's it going, uh, Tommy?

Then he writesa poem to his teacher

called "Ode toa Pretty Teacher."

Oh, he did. He did.

Listen, how long have you two nuts

-known each other anyway?-What time is it?

Right now, 15 years.

No, it's more than that.

It was, uh-- it was back in grammar school,

fourth grade.

Fifth grade, remember?

He wasa wonderful child.

He was a bitof a sissy.

But he was one ofthe great milk monitorsI've ever seen.

A milk monitor!

Well, that was a very responsible position.

It was the Depression,

and anybody with milk carried a lot of weight.

Ohh.

Ha ha ha ha!

Maxine.

Listen, what I don't understand is what a guy like you

with your-with yourbackground is doing herein the infantry?

Why aren't you a correspondent, or something?

I'm keeping my country safefrom the Communist menace.

You used to be a Communist!

I'm keeping my countrysafe from me.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

Look, if I wasa correspondent,

I'd be reporting the war.

In the infantry,I'm living it.

So what's the difference?

Here.

Here's the difference.

You Never Hear the Bullet.

What? Is that-- is that the book?

Yeah, it's about the war,

and it's beingwritten by a soldier,

not a correspondent.

Yeah, how can Iexplain it to you?

Okay, there's alwaysthat big blond kid

that's always in allthose war movies, right?.

-Yeah.-The one that should neverdie and always does.

Yeah, and they bring him back to life in the next movie.

-It's a great way to run a war.-Right.

Well, you always hearthis big, loud ricochet

-just before he gets killed, right? -Yeah.

Well...

that's not the way it really happens.

There was a youngblond kid in our outfit.

One day I looked over,and half of him was gone.

And you know what he said?

He said, uh, "I neverheard no bullet."

That's why that book iscalled what it's called.

Let's get drunk.

-I'll drink to that. -I never drink.

MAN : Captain Pierce,

Captain McIntyre, report to surgery.

What was that?

Him. He hates it when we drink.

Listen, stick around for a while.

-We'll be back in a little bit. -Hey, hey.

You guys aren'tjust gonna pranceoff and leave me?

Uh, I live in a very smalltent with three other guys.

"Prance" makes me nervous.

Listen, stick around. Make yourself at home.

-We'll be right back. -Oh, thanks,

But half-time's over.I better get back to the war.

Oh, say goodbyeto Henry for me.

He'll understand.

Tommy Gillis, you'rea genuine lunatic.

Come backand see us soon.

Right.We'll split a nurse.

So, dumbbell, when will I see you again? Soon?

That's up tothe North Koreans.

Tell 'em I sent you.

You still owe me for a pint of milk.

Multiple lacerations,contusions and abrasions.

Looks like somebody bit him.

Heard the North was using bamboo sticks,

but biting?

Uh, the North didn't do it.

He did.

What do you mean? This guy bit that guy?

Mm-hmm, a fight.

This one has almost identical injuries,

plus an ear that has to be sewn back on.

Well, that'llteach him to listen.

Let me see that.

What were they fighting about?

Nobody knows.

This one over here is an appendectomy.

Oh, great, no battle-inflicted wounds.

All right, look, we can have time to do this

and still be crocked before dinner.

Nancy, you prep the appendectomy,

and we'll sew up Zale and Graziano.

Father Mulcahy, are you all right?

Just-Just out of breath.I-I ran from chapel.

Happily you ran for nothing, padre.

No last rites today.

Oh, thank heaven.

Uh, could Ishow you something

in a "get well" prayer?

That's good.

Okay, tie it off. Got it?

Yeah, I got it, I got it.

Okay, lighten up on him.

Ugh! Appendixes make me sick.

Sutures.

Did you seethis kid's chest?

There's hardly a hair on it.

Maybe we got ourselves a flat-chested WAC.

And look how thin he is about the chest and waist.

Yeah.

"Private Wendell Peterson,Marine Corps."

You know, I'd swearthis kid is really a kid.

I guess if they're tallenough to reach the trigger,

they're old enough to enlist.

-A question. -The answer is yes.

Um, we're not going to beinterrupted again, are we?

My folks won't be home for hours.

Frank is in traction,

and Trapper's watching a movie in the mess tent.

And, um, you don'tthink that he mightleave the movie?

And walk out on Debra Paget?

Hur-- Ugh!

Hurry, please. It's Major Burns.

Tell him to get his own girl.

He's in pain. He wants to see you.

Remember where we were.

T-Tell him where it hurts, Frank.

Don't be brave.

Why don't you go boilsome water or something?

You know whatyour trouble is?

You're a four-starhypochondriac.

But the pain!

The only painaround here is the one

you two are giving me.

Please, I don't wanna go home.

Please, I...

I'll just stay here.

Don't reach foryour appendix, kid.

It's gone.

How do you feel?

All ready to go out andkill me some more gooks, sir.

Wendell, another wordfor "gooks" is "people."

I mean the North Koreans.

The Chinese, sir, the enemy.

I'm a Marine. We're the best.

I'm a coward.We're the worst.

How long before I can get back to my outfit, sir?

Well, maybe a few more weeks.

Depends on how muchpostoperative pain you have.

I don't care about no pain.

I just wanna get back to fightin'.

How old are you, Wendell?

Twenty.

Really, I'm 18.

For somebodywho's both 20 and 18,

you look awfully 16 to me.

See ya later.

What'd you do while I was gone?

-Oh, I drank. -Mmm.

-And I filed my nails. -Mm-hmm.

And I looked throughthis dirty book I found

hidden on your shelfbehind Arrowsmith.

-Dirty book? -Mm-hmm.

It's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Oh. Then how comeone of the dwarfs

is named Leather?

RADAR: Hawkeye?

Hot Lips, if you don't getoutta here, I'll shoot you.

It's not Hot Lips. It's Radar.

Radar, if you don't get outta here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.

There's trouble in the post-op. You gotta come.

What is it? Frank again?

No, no, it's a fight.Hurry up!

I'll see ya.

Wait here, okay?

I'll be right back.

Watch it! The back!

The back! The back! Watch the back!

Okay, break it up! Break it up!

Cut it out. Come on, come on.

Now, what's all this about?

Come on, what's going on?

-He stole my salami. -You lousy liar!

Knock it off!Knock it off!

Let me point out if youmeatballs have ripped out

those stitchesI put in,

I'm gonna put themback with staples.

-You got that? -He stole my salami.

I smell it on his breath!

All right now, wait a second!

If I get you each a salami,

will you promise to stop fighting?

At least until your stitches heal?

-Kosher? -Kosher.

Okay.

All right. Come here.

Radar!

-Sir?-Take care of these guys.

If they give youany more trouble,

I want you to beatthem senseless withtheir own salamis.

Aye aye, sir.

Wendell, as your doctor,I'd advise you

to lay off hot-wiring jeeps for a few days.

You're notsendin' me home.

For an appendix? If they sent you home for that,

I'd take my own out every other day.

Come on.

Crummy appendix.

If it hadn't beenfor that,

I'd still be up therewith my outfit.

I might evenget me that medal

and show that dumb Bernice.

Bernice? That your sergeant?

It's my girl.

She was, anyway.

We was going steady, and then she dumps me

'cause Augie Hofstettercomes back from boot camp.

Well, it ain't my faultI'm too young to join up!

You 16?

Almost.

Did you use a phony birth certificate?

My brother's.

What about your folks?

They think I run offto join the circus.

Sent 'em a coupleof postcards withelephants on it.

They don't knowthe difference.

But you see...

if I was a-a hero witha medal and everything,

I just know Bernice'd beg me to come back.

- Look, Wendell---Walter.

Wendell'smy brother's name.

Right, uh, I was just wondering

if any girl worth having

cares whether youhave a medal or not.

And it's none of my business.

If you wanna dress up likea soldier and play marine,

that's up to you. Just come inside

and let yourself heal for a few days.

And I won't turn you in, okay?

Gee, Captain...for an army guy,

you're okay.

Who's in the army?

I just wear this uniform

because my saddle shoes clash with blood.

She's not in there anymore.

What are you talking about?

Attention, attention, all personnel,

all medical personnel...

That's what I'mtalking about.

A whole regiment took itin the teeth a while ago.

It's gonna bea long night. Come on.

Give me some suction. I can't see anything here.

All right, good.

How many does this make?

Ask Colonel Blake.

He's the one who puts notches in his scalpel.

Dr. Pierce, this one very shocky.

Trapper, can you finish for me?

Sure, go ahead. Yeah, okay.

Pierce, I heardthat little remark.

Oh, good, then we won't have to amputate your ears, Henry.

I'd give you a kiss, but I...

can't lift my head.

Well, you'd just get my mask icky.

He's had 10 milligramsof morphine.

Pressure 80 over 50and faint.

Give me some O-negativeblood here, quick!

The blood's for me. I'm anemic.

Henry, I need your help.

Start another IV with a large-bore needle.

Come on, get over there and help me.

70 over 50.

Wanna hear a funny one?

I heard the bullet coming.

Just like in the movies.

So you'll change the title ofthe book, that's all.

Sometimes You Hear the Bullet.

It's a better title anyway.

60.

They got the aorta.

Give me some retractionand suction.

Father Mulcahy.

I can't get a pressure.

I've lost the pulse.

I'm gonna open the chest.

Give me a knife.

I said give mea knife!

Pierce...

Go help McIntyre.

Come on, move.

We're jammed up in here.

Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?

This is the first timeI've cried

since I came tothis crummy place.

I don'tunderstand that.

Well, Gillis was your friend.

I mean, it's only natural that you'd, uh...

you know.

Henry, I knowwhy I'm crying now.

Tommy was my friend,and I watched him die,

and now I'm crying.

I've watched guysdie almost every day.

Why didn't I evercry for them?

Because you're a doctor.

What the helldoes that mean?

I don't know.

If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic.

Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic?

Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school.

There are certain rules about a war,

and rule number 1 is young men die.

And rule number 2 is

doctors can't change rule number 1.

You believe that?

I don't know.

Do you?

I don't know,but I know one doctor

who can keep one young manfrom dying in one war.

Major Houlihan?

This is PrivateWendell Peterson,United States Marines.

Except Wendell's nameis really Walter,

and he's only15 years old,

and he's going back homewhere he belongs.

Put a guard on himand give him to the MPs

as soon as he's wellenough to travel.

You double-crosser.

I'm never gonna forgiveyou for this!

Not for the rest of my life!

Let's hope it's a longand healthy hate.

"And because saidinjuries were sustained

"at a MASH unit in a zoneof armed combat...

"the Secretary of the Army

"hereby declaresthat Franklin D. Burns,

Major, U.S. Army Reserves--"

- Sir-- - "...shall be awarded

the Orderof the Purple Heart."

-Sir---May I have the medal, please?

Frank, here isyour Purple Earring.

Earring? What the--

I guess you didn't know

having your appendix out at a line unit

qualified you for the Purple Heart, eh?

No, I sure didn't.

Gee, you really got it for me fast, Hawkeye.

Well, there are ways.

-Give my love to Bernice.-I will.

Have a good trip,Wendell.

Walter.

Both of you.

Out of the way there. Move.

Well, aren't we grumpy today.

Well, what do you expect?

Somebody's stolen Frank's medal.

It's not everybody

who wins a Purple Earring.