Original subtitles

Hey, Major, let me see that X-ray, will ya?

Oh, yeah, right.Okay. All right, thank you.

Thank you!

Come on, you little bugger.

Ah!

Gotcha.

Thanks to my experience

as pick-up-sticks championof southern Maine.

Now you can identify us to your lawyer.

Uh, can I have that bullet, Doc?

A souvenir.

Well, I had a buyback dealwith the sniper,

but all right.

Well...

a little thing like this

is not gonna keep me off the line.

Frank, that'sColonel Buzz Brighton!

I saw his picturein Stars and Stripes.

-Oh, a colonel. -Yeah.

I didn't realize that wewere carving on a full bird.

Yeah, instead of a local,

we should've used something imported.

Ah, you save that stufffor the sick guys.

Hey, listen,I'm not kiddin'.

When that localwears off,

you're gonna reallyfeel somethin'.

Why don't you come bythe Swamp later

for some homemadepainkiller.

The Swamp?

-Yeah, our tent. -It's lovely.

Just knock on the "condemned"sign and come in.

Careful, Major. Somebody's liable to trip over your tongue.

Ooo! Wow. That's great gin.

Oh, that's becauseit's aged.

Yeah, it's been cookingsince 8:00 this morning.

Can I get you a refill?

Ah, no, I'll get it.

Hey, listen, Buzz,you better use this cane.

You don't wanna overwork that leg.

Well, I don't wannababy it, either.

You don't thinkthis is the first slug

-I've picked up, do ya?-Yeah, I noticed that.

You got more stitchesin your butt than a sampler.

All right,come on, fellas.

When can I get back to my men?

Couple of days.

You know, you gottatake it easy.

Mental restis important, too.

Now look, don't put me in the same league

with the battle fatigue phonies.

That's just another way ofyelling "chicken" in my book.

I've heard of anxietyand overexposure to stress,

but, uh, I don't believeFreud ever mentioned chicken,

do you, Doctor?

I believe once,

in describing his mother's soup.

Look, all I wanna dois get back to my outfit.

You know, this war is not gonna wait

just because I'm sidetracked.

I'll bet it got slowed downa little, though, didn't it?

Every time you get a wildhare and yell "charge,"

our surgery here is standing room only.

Ah, casualtiesare part of the game.

If it costs ya a fewgood men to take a hill,

that's a price you gotta pay.

I mean, some real estatedoesn't come cheap.

Well, to be honest,we're not too hotfor your business.

Taking care of youroutfit is a little bit

like making a house callat Custer's Last Stand.

You know, you guys are really civilians.

Right down to ouryellow bellybuttons.

Now, you got your whole livesto perfect your trade.

I'm an army officer.

And this war, you know,is not gonna last forever.

Well, no war's perfect.

Now the way I look at it is I only got a certain amount of time

to knock off a couple of thousand gooks,

turn a lot of boys into men,

and make a few points for myself.

With a little time left overto divide the Red Sea.

I'll leave that for the Marines.

Oh...

Well, thanks for the hooch.

I think I'll go out

and get myselfa little exercise here.

I'll see ya.

Right...

Whaddaya say we put him to sleep

and put the bullet back in his leg?

Oh, he's a beauty.

We got us a real ring banger here.

A what banger?

Didn't you see the way

he kept banging his ring on the chair?

Yeah.

A little reminder that he's a quarterback in this war

and we're just water boys.

Well, I got a feelinghe wouldn't be so tall

if he weren't standingon so many bodies.

Whaddaya say we try to keep Buzz around for a while?

I got the informationyou guys wanted.

You're a model of industry and sneakiness.

Yeah, well my friend at Walter Reed says

that, uh, Colonel Brighton'sphysicals have been perfect.

Let me see that.

That's disgusting.

This guy is so fit,

he'll be in good healthtwo years after he's dead.

Look at thisWest Point info.

Guess what he broke.

His back.

His front.

The all-time record fornever being on sick call.

Terrific.

And will you lookat this?

The guy's racked uptwice as many casualties

as any otherregimental commander

while only gaininghalf the ground.

I think this guy oughtacome outta the game

for a little while.

Why don't we gift wrap

a few dysentery germs for him?

Is Colonel Blake in?

No, sir.He's in his tent, sir.

Good morning, Frank.

Wouldn't you like to know?

The problem is in Buzz' mind.

That's wherewe ought to strike.

A little homemade battle fatigue.

A karate chop to his reality.

What are you guysbuilding?

Even if I knew,I wouldn't tell you.

-But, sir-- -Oh! Ouch!

Oh, my ear.

Is there any blood?

Oh, for Pete's sake, sir, you're a doctor.

Listen, Frank,I could paint a barn

with someone else's blood.

I just can't standto see my own.

I was right there in the operating room.

It was a simple excision of a bullet from his thigh.

No post-op infection,no evidence of a fracture,

no reason for him to still be here,

except that maybe he'sbecome a drinking buddy

of Pierce and McIntyre.

Last night, they filled a bucket with gin

and were bobbing for olives.

You want to see me,Lieutenant?

I'm just leaving to pick up

those supplies in Seoul, Colonel.

Would you like to approvemy requisition?

I certainly would.

Excuse me, Frank.

Of course.

Ahem.

Make sure the sardines are boneless

and the peanut butter's chunky.

If they're out of cheese balls,

get some smoked oysters.

Can I kiss your earand make it better?

Not in front of, uh, El Jerkorino.

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Never mind. Ahem.

Uh, carry on, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Now, then, Frank?

About Colonel Brighton, sir,

I think Pierce and McIntyremight be delib--

What--

Frank Burns is giving Henry a hard time

about your patient Colonel Brighton.

Oh, yeah?Oh, thanks, Leslie.

There'll be a little something under your pillow.

Me.

If you're unhappy, Frank,examine Brighton yourself.

I can? How can I everthank you, sir?

Try leaving.

Yes, sir.

MAN : Will the owner of a red pick-up truck,

Illinois license LU6751,

please fly back to Chicago

and remove it from in front of the Y?

-Buzz? -48, 49, 50.

Ah.

I feel great.

I was afraidof that.

-Absence of pain. -Mm-hmm.

Could be an inflammationof the femur.

And could cause paraesthesia.

-Or thrombophlebitis. -Yeah.

With an extensionof the femoral vessels,

-resulting in a pulmonary embolism. -Right. Sure.

-What?-X-rays don't lie, Buzz.

Buzz, look, uh,

we've been goin' overyour whole history,

and, uh, we think we should keep you around for a week

-for observation. -No way!

Buzz, look,it's the best thing to do.

No way! They'll put someone else in charge of my outfit.

We've considered that possibility.

Look, do you mind if I get a second opinion,

talk to Colonel Blake?

-Henry? -Yeah.

Oh, well, uh,that's a good idea.

-Yeah. -He's terrific,

if you catch him earlyenough in the day.

What do you mean?

Well, he slips awayonce in a while and--

Oh, he's a boozer, uh?

Oh, you don'thave to whisper.Everybody knows.

It's a tragedy, really.

Yeah. Yeah.See, Henry, uh,

Henry could've beenhead surgeon at Walter Reed.

But, uh, well, he was swackedwhen he did an appendectomy

on a general's wife.

It was a hell of a wayto take out her adenoids.

Well, what about, uh...

what's-his-name, Burns?

Now, he's a major.

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm.

Well, no offense, but you guys

are just captains, aren't ya?

Oh...

-Oh, I get your point. -Yeah.

Yeah, Frank is a...

terrific officer and a great doctor.

That's good enough for me.

That other thing doesn't matter at all.

No.

What other thing?

-Well, uh... -I don't think--

-I don't think we should say.-No, I don't think so.

I mean, he neveractually got caught.

-That's right. -Doing what?

Well, it's not Frank's faulthe showed up at an air raid

in high heels.

Do you mean that he's a...

But a fine doctor.

And a great nurse.

A major?

Drop by later for a drink?

What? Oh. Yeah.

Colonel Brighton.

I've been looking all over for you.

Oh?

I want to give you a checkup,

see what we can do aboutgetting you on your way.

Uh-huh.

Just let meget comfy here.

Whose are those?

Pierce and McIntyre,they're always bringin'nurses in here,

those degenerates.

Oh, you think that they're degenerates, huh?

Oh, it really makesno never mind.

Now...

I want to feel your leg.

It feels fine.

What are you trying to do?

Take your pulse.

Well, can't you do it without touching me?

Well, Colonel, I...

Now look.Forget it.

Afternoon, Colonel.

Your laundry, sir.

Thank you. I...

This stuff belongs to Colonel Blake.

A little small for him,don't you think?

Oh, well, they're not his.

Oh, no.

No, they belong to a nurse friend of his.

Another one of thosedegenerates, right?

Well, I didn't say that, Colonel. I--

Hey. What do ya say, Buzz,how's it going?

I just had a close callwith that Burns character.

Boy, you sure were right about him.

-Oh, I'm sorry. -Now, listen.

You've gotta get me outta here.

Oh, we're doingthe best we can.

See, what you don't understand is,

any time a body has been opened surgically,

there's a shock to the system.

Kind of a head lag.

Although, your thigh is fine,

because you're not suffering any leg lag.

Well, how long do you figure?

-A couple of days? -Oh, tops.

You know, just untilyou're really yourself again.

I am myself!

What are you talking about?

Buzz?Uh, where are you going?

I'm going to my tent.

-This is your tent.-No, this is my tent here.

I remember it, because that'swhere the P.A. speaker--

...was.

-You'll be okay.-Oh, that Burns character,

he really got to me.

See, Buzz?

This is your sack.

And here isall your gear.

Yeah. Right.

HAWKEYE: Take it easy, Buzz, huh?

Yeah, why don't youlie down a while?

You know, rest.

Come on, you got no place to go.

Relax. Finish your milk.

BUZZ: What milk?

The milk you made such a fussabout getting this morning.

Oh.

See you later, Buzz, huh?

Take a nice nap, okay?

Can we go to your tent, please?

I've got something I want you to see.

They all break in the end.

You'll, uh, you'll have toexcuse how the place looks.

Yeah, the painters really left a mess.

I've just gone over Colonel Brighton's file.

X-rays, the works.

He's 100% fit.

Why are you keeping him here?

Look, do you want usto ruin this guy's career?

Put down what's really wrongwith him on his record?

Is that what you want?

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

What am I talking about?

Well, um...

Uh, sometimes a little, uh, wound

can trigger a bigger problem

that's just beneath the surface.

That's whatI'm talking about!

Buzz Brighton has lostall confidence in himself.

Not just as an officer.As a man.

This morning there weretears on his pillow.

The bigger they are,you know.

More than oncethey found Patton

sobbing inside his tank.

I never dreamed...

Everybody thinkshe's a tower of strength.

But inside that colonelthere's a private...

that needs to be cuddled and held,

just likethe rest of us.

Ah, nobody cares.

I want to thank you bothfor setting me straight.

Hi, Frank.

Want me to do your back?

No, thanks, Mr. Wisenheimer.

Hey, we got a poker game scheduled in the Swamp tonight,

but we'll try to be finishedby the time you get back.

I know you like your beauty rest.

Oh, I'm not going anywhere tonight.

I thought you had a date with Hot Lips--

Uh-uh... Major Houlihan.

I do not.

It's just that I saw hergetting all spiffed up.

I thought you two were gonnatip-toe through the minefield.

Spiffed up?

Yeah, you know, hairdos, nail polish.

Never mind!

What the major does is her own business.

After all, her affairs are her own affairs.

Oh, and not that I meanto imply that she has any.

I don't go stickingmy nose into her hairdos.

And you would do very well tokeep your stories to yourself

and mind your own beeswax!

Take it easy, Frank.

You're getting yourself into a lather.

-Margaret, who are you seeing?-Frank, what's wrong?

And where? It's him,isn't it? Buzz!

You got one look at his thighand you went crazy!

Frank! What--

Just because someoneis strong and muscular.

You're a pushoverfor powerfullybuilt guys like us.

It's nothing like that.

Then why the new hairdo and...

And-and-and-and the perfume, and...

-Frank, don't sniff.

-Oh, Margaret. -Frank.

You're drippingon my foot.

Oh, I was just in the shower, and I--

Well, you can't justcome in here drippingand sniffing!

Would you promise me that there's nothing

between you and the colonel?

Nothing!And that's an order!

Oh, Margaret.

Oh, Frank.

Remember the-the chief nurse Major Houlihan?

-Yeah, the blonde. -Right. Okay, now,

she's gonna be around later to check you out.

And it's veryimportant, too, Buzz--

because, you see,after we sign your release,

she also has to sign you out.

And she'sa great-looking gal.

Oh, you should see her in a sweater!

She'll melt your helmet line.

And passionate!

Oh, her lips are set at automatic pucker.

-Hey, that's very good.-Listen.

Now, this should be very interesting.

She really simmers, our Hot Lips.

Well, you call her Hot Lips?

And not because she's left-handed.

Thanks for clueing me in.

Oh, there's only one thing, Buzz.

Uh, she and Colonel Blake, uh...

The boozer?

Hey, I'm glad you told me.

Uh, where you going?

I'm going to my, uh...

tent.

Are you absolutely certain

that I have to be checked outfor small arms proficiency?

Yes, sir. It's something new.

It's probably on account of, uh, the war.

It's right here in these new orders that came--

Oh, never mind. It just seems funny

they say do it at night.

Night fighting, sir.

There's a lot of itthese days.

Yeah, but I'm a doctor. I don't go running--

Necessary if youexpect to collect

your $325 pistol allowance.

Well...

for that kind of money,

I guess I can take a shot in the dark.

Oh. That's probablya joke, isn't it, sir?

Anybody home?

What's up, Pierce?

Henry, can I keep thisbottle in your locker?

Nothing's safe in the Swamp.

-Yeah, key's in the desk.-Thank you.

Oh, you wouldn't likea shot, would you?

It's a littlenippy out tonight.

Yes, sir, the temperature'sdropped to almost 98.

Well, maybe a wee dram.

Here's looking up your old address.

-Oh-- -Colonel,

I'm Margaret Houlihan.

Uh, nice of you to drop by, Major.

I'm not here as an officer...

or as a nurse.

I'm here as a woman

who sees you not only as a warrior

but as a man.

Oh.

Why, thank you.

A very exciting man.

Buzz,I want to help you.

Yeah, well, I think--

you know, the only help I need, Major,

is just get a release, soI can get back to the front.

But we want to send you backconfident and strong.

I know you're worried about this thigh.

No.

You want it to be as strong as this one.

-Really, Major, uh-- -Margaret.

Ma-Major Margaret.

Uh...now, just do...

nothing to worry about.I'm not worried.

I'm gonna sit here,

and wanna relax,and be quiet.

And drink my milk.

Now this is really the last one, Pierce,

because I have got to shoot some targets.

And I didn't even know they were in season.

Easy. Easy.I'm only human.

You don't have to be human with me.

Colonel Brighton? It's Frank Burns.

BOTH:Why can't he leave me alone?

FRANK: Colonel?

Don't say I'm here.

Don't say I'm here.

FRANK:Colonel, are you alone?

He can't keep his hands off of me.

Colonel, I know you're there.

He what?

Time fortarget practice, sir.

Oh, let's go, Henry. Gotta get out there.

Okay.

Don't move, Korea. This is a stick-up.

-See you down the road.-Okay.

You're due onthe range, sir.

♪ Where the deer and the antelope play ♪

♪ Where seldom is heard... ♪

Right this way, sir.

♪ A discouraging word...

Yes, sir.

-After you, sir. -Thank you.

You're welcome.

-Margaret! -Oh, Frank!

Colonel Brighton!

Buzz, be careful!He's jealous.

Well, why should he be?I don't belong to him.

You rat!

Ow! Ow!

-What's going on here? -Ooh.

Uh, Colonel, look, I'm sorry.

I didn't know he was your girl.

What?

I'm sorry, I didn't know she was your girl.

Buzz, we wanted to askyour advice on re-enlisting--

You're drunk!

Oh, that's a dirty lie,

And I intendto press charges...

the minute I'm sober.

Now, look, Colonel, don't get in a beef just because of me.

-Now, Colonel---Get your hands off of me!

Keep your hands off of me! Everybody!

Keep your hands off of me! No examination!

I know how I am and I know where I am.

I'm-I'm here.

I am here and this is my tentbecause that is my milk!

Yes, sir.

-Henry? -What?

Don't you think you betterget out on the range? Hmm?

Me, too.

Oh, Colonel...

Don't shoot!

Give him a chance, Henry.

He's half out of his head with battle fatigue.

-Right, Buzz? -Right.

-Now listen, I want---The ambulance isright outside, sir.

Why don't we go outside to an ambulance?

There's no more time.Communication'svery important.

You men, I'll see you in the trenches.

What is the matterwith him?

Well, uh, Henry, he just needs a little rest.

Sign this, sir.

-Am I signing? -Yes, sir.

Something good?

You're sending Buzz back to the States

to cool off for a couple of months.

He'll needa lot more than that.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Now then, what about the old target practice?

You goteight outta ten, sir.

I did?

You just missed out onyour $325 pistol allowance.

Oh, darn it.

Henry, what say we go back to the Swamp, hmm?

Yeah, a little nightcap.

I would love to, fellas,

but I'm on duty.

Carry on.

You're getting better.

Boy, I live for the day

when you guysare outta my life!

Don't let them get to you, Major.

Just trying to brighten thingsup a little bit, Frank.

Brighten things up?You're maniacs, you--

you and your friend!Both of you!

I don't know which oneof you is sicker!

I'd like just the tip of it off

and turned up a little at the end.

You know, the Dick Haymes look.

Oh, you!