Original subtitles

-Hey, Trapper? -Huh?

How much do you supposethis stuff's worth

on the black market?

What would you do with your share?

Pay for myhernia operation.

All right, lemme see...

Blankets, powdered milk,penicillin.

Okay, that's everything.

All right,Sister Theresa, all set.

Oh, how can I ever thank you, Hawkeye?

And you, Trapper.

Oh, don't thank us.

We're just acting on orders.

But whose?

Who is the author ofall this generosity?

Uh, Tuttle. Captain Tuttle.

That's who. Right, uh, Trap?

Captain Tuttle?

Yeah, one of our finest officers.

And a beautiful man.

Just picture George Washingtonwith John Wayne's agent.

I'll have the childrenat the orphanage

write him a thank-youletter tomorrow.

Oh, don't do that.

He doesn't like anybody to make a fuss.

No, no. Uh-uh.That's right.

I mean,he's Mr. Humility.

Captain Humility, actually.

Captain Humility.

Just tell the good captainI'll be praying for him.

-Goodbye. -HAWKEYE: Bye.

Lovely lady.

Yeah, but she could never bemore than a sister to me.

Isn't she wasting her prayers on somebody

who doesn't exist?

Who doesn't exist?

This, uh, this Tuttle you made up.

Who saysI made him up?

Don't con me.

He's a figment of your imagination.

And what makes youthink you're not?

Rough shift?

Picnic.

Oh. Not too many wounded, huh?

No, no wounded. I worked on a pregnant infantryman.

Oh.

Nobody can figure out how it happened either.

He hasn't been near a woman in months.

Ohh, that's coffee.

Hawkeye...

Anybody comingin here telling meabout more wounded

is sucking aroundfor a lobotomy.

Captain Tuttle's gottasign this requisition form

before Sister Theresa can get her next batch of supplies.

Listen, how did youcome up with a namelike Tuttle, anyway?

He was my imaginary childhood friend.

You had animaginary friend?

Yeah, if anybody said "Who knocked over the garbage?"

I said "Tuttle".

If they said"Who broke that window?"

"Tuttle."

"Who wet the bed?"

Tuttle.

He had no control at all.

So when yougot drafted...

He got drafted.

Just in caseyou wet your cot.

Precisely.

I-I had an imaginary friendwhen I was a little boy.

Terrific.

Her name was Shirley.

Your imaginary friend was a girl?

Mm-hmm.

What'd she look like?

Like me.

Only with tiny little breasts.

HAWKEYE:Out!

Out!

- Morning, sir. - Morning, Radar.

- Sign these, please? - Right.

Oh, those stockings came out nice, sir.

Yeah, my wife sent mesome new soap powder.

-Uh-huh. -Uh, Where do I--

Sign the original of each form, sir,

and initial the carbon copies.

Or if you want, you cansign the carbon copies

and initial the originals.

And then sign this form signifying that

you signed what you should have initialled.

Radar, do you reallyunderstand all this army stuff?

Uh, it helps not to be too bright, sir.

Uh, sir, would you sign

the supplementary supply form, please?

It only needs a countersignature.

Captain Tuttle's already OK'd it.

Right.

Captain Tuttle?Which one's Captain Tuttle?

Oh, you know, sir. That new man... Captain Tuttle.

Did I meet himyesterday at breakfast?

Yes.

Wait a minute.

I didn't have breakfastyesterday.

Then you must have met himsomewhere else, sir.

Oh, right.

You put him in chargeof supplementary supplies.

Oh, yeah, that's whyhe signed the supply form.

Tuttle. I knew I'dseen his name somewhere.

-If you'll just OK the duty roster. -Yep.

Major Burns is Officerof the Day again?

He volunteered.

Frank always volunteers.

If we had a firing squad,he'd volunteer to bein charge of it.

Or in front of it...or both.

BOTH: Yes, sir.

I knew you'd say that.

Oh...

- Radar? - Sir?

Let's give Frank a little helpwinning the war.

Sir?

What about Captain Tuttle?

What about him?

Well, has he everpulled any OD duty?

No, sir.

Radar, if it's one thingI insist on

it's that every officerin my command pulls hisfair share of the load.

No matter who he is.

Or isn't.

MAN : Attention! A change in the duty roster.

Tomorrow, Captain Jonathan S. Tuttle

will be Officer of the Day.

Frank, did youhear that?

But I volunteered.

If you're freetomorrow night,

I've got some new literatureon pelvic deviations.

Margaret, I don't know any Captain Tuttle.

Do you? Tuttle?

Well, he must be new.

Well, then, why didn't he-he report to me?

I'm second in command.

I'm sure Colonel Blakewill get around to it,

once he finisheshis laundry.

Yes, there he is.

Well, it's Tuttle's responsibility to present himself.

The man is obviously ignoring me.

Oh, Frank, why wouldhe ignore you?

Guilt. He can't face the manhe's gonna replace.

Who says he'sgoing to replace you?

Everyone here's against me, Margaret.

Aw, only Pierceand McIntyre.

Did I tell you theyglued my Bible together?

Oh, Frank...

And they drew fangs on my picture of Senator McCarthy.

My poor darling.

Why don't we justcheck out thisCaptain Tuttle ourselves.

Oh, Margaret, you're my snug harbour.

I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to sail into.

-Corporal? -Sir?

-Where's the colonel? -Colonel?

Colonel Blake?

Uh, I'm afraidhe's doing

some very important sleepingfor the army right now.

Typical.

I want to see the personnel file

on this new man, uh, Captain Tuttle.

Uh, sir, these filesare locked.

I'm afraid you're gonnaneed a-an authorization

from Colonel Blake.

-Well, get it. -Wake him.

Uh, wake him?

Well, he could be dreaming up some new medicine

that could, uh, help all mankind.

Henry Blake? That launderette?

Well, I'll get an authorization

to see that Tuttle file.

Okay now, let's see. When was Tuttle born?

Um... how about, uh, 1924?

That was a good year for doctors.

Okay.

Mother?

Mmm, yes.

Father?

One.

Harry and Frieda Tuttle.

Birthplace?

Uh, hey, howabout my hometown?

No, they've already gotenough to be proud of.

-How about, uh...-Battle Creek, Michigan.

Yeah, that's good. That's perfect.

Yeah, good.

Okay.

Um, uh... religion?

Uh... atheist.

I don't believe in atheism.

Let's make him a Druid.

-What's that? -They worship trees.

Ahh, a tree surgeon.

Druid, reformed.

They're allowed to pray at bushes.

All right, now what about medical school?

Harvard.

No-no, we can't make itanyplace they'll check.

Oh, how about, uh, um...

Berlin Polytechnic.

Perfect.

"Berlinishish Polyteshnico."

-Oh...

Right after he graduatedfrom Adolf Hitler High.

No, that's a bit much.

You should write fiction.

You should read my file.

All right, now a littlesomething for Hot Lips.

Height: 6 feet 4.

Weight: 195 pounds.

Hair... auburn.

Eyes: hazel.

TRAPPER: Hawkeye...

Huh?

I think I'm in love.

I'd certainly like to know why it's so all-fired important

for you two to seethe file on Captain Tuttle.

Because neither the major nor I

remember ever having seen him,

and that strikes us as very strange.

Well, I've seen him.

I had breakfast with the man only yesterday.

Here it is.

"Tuttle, Jonathan, Captain.

"Serial number: 397-299-66."

"BerlinishishPolyteshnico."

Probably a Nazi.

Very impressive.

Well, if you two will excuse me...

I told Tuttle I'd have lunch with him.

So long, Radar.

-I'll hold down the fort.-Hold down the fort.

"Auburn hair, hazel eyes..."

Oh, for Pete's sake, Margaret.You're practically drooling.

Oh, Frank! You're not jealous?

Not jealous?

If I lost youto anyone,

I'd put a scalpelthrough my neck.

No, Frank! No, no, no.

Not here.

No one can see usor hear us.

HOULIHAN: Frank...

You know, there's still something spooky

about this Tuttle.

Now, I'll just call General Clayton

and have him check it out.

Sir?

Corporal O'Reilly,get me General Clayton,

Headquarters,in Seoul.

Uh, yes, ma'am. Just a minute, ma'am.

Psst.

Get me Captain Pierce over here right away.

HQ, Seoul.This is Sergeant Pryor.

Hi, Sparky. This is Radar.

Hey, how are you doin', boy?

Fine. Hey, listen, Sparky...

Hey, I wanted tothank you for sending

the "Captain MarvelAnnual".

It just come today.

Okay, okay, look... Uh, listen...

I'm gonna be making a call on this line any second.

I want you to patch it back to me.

Shazam!

What's up, Radar?

Major Houlihan is makin'a call to General Clayton.

RADAR: HQ Seoul on the phone, ma'am.

Thank you.Hello?

HQ Seoul, Sergeant Pryor.

Uh, General Clayton,please.

Major Margaret Houlihan.

Hello?

Hello, General?Major Houlihan.

Margaret, I do hope this is going to be

an obscene phone call.

I-I-I wish itcould be, sir.

That is, um...

I wonder if youmight do me a favor.

You just say the word, Margaret,

and I'll get a hormone shot.

Yes, sir.Uh-huh.

What I wantto know...

Say, what did you think of that new man

I sent down there? Uh, Tuttle?

You sent Captain Tuttle?

Yes, he's going to marry my niece.

Now try to keep him pure, Margaret.

If you can keep yourhot little hands off him.

Goodbye, Margaret.

Hi, Frank.

Hmph.

You want what, Frank?

I want youto change my tent.

I want you to makeCaptain Tuttle my roomie.

Your roomie?

Well, General Claytonasked that I personally

look after him.

-Tuttle? -Johnny.

Isn't it "Jonathan"?

Well, not tohis close friends.

Yeah, well, uh, just leave it with me, Frank,

and I'll see what I can do.

I can only tell you Tuttle and I

are both anxious for the change.

We both speak the same language.

Right.

Radar, there's somethinggoing on with Major Burns.

Uh, yes, sir, with Major Houlihan.

I know one guy who got pictures.

No, I mean withCaptain Tuttle.

Major Burns and Captain Tuttle, sir?

If there's one thingI'm not gonna have

in this outfit, Radar,it's politics.

I'm getting into thisTuttle business right now.

MAN : Uh, attention! Attention!

Captain Jonathan Tuttle will report to

Colonel Henry Blake, on the double.

Captain Jonathan Tuttle, report at once.

Should we go backinside and build one?

-Where is he? -I dunno know, sir.

Well, I mean it's not likeTuttle to keep me waiting.

Is it?

The last I saw him,he was in the compound, sir.

Want me to go check?

Oh, no, no,no, no, no.

-I'll do it.-Volunteering again, Frank?

I don't want Tuttle to get in trouble with you, sir.

It's the least I can do for my buddy.

Buddies?

-Phillips! -Here.

Sterner!

-Tuttle! -Yo!

Uh, Captain Tuttle?

No, Captain Pierce, MD, manic depressive.

Is that yours?

No, the only mail I'll accept

is a full apology from President Truman.

That is addressedto Captain Tuttle.

Very good, Frank.

You read well enough to be a druggist.

Where is he?

Who, Tuttle? He's in Post-Op.

I'm gonna drop this off for him.

Oh, well,I can do that.

Oh, that's very kind of you, Frank.

It certainly belies all the vicious gossip

somebody is spreading about what a twisted,

selfish, mean-spirited,overbearing fusspot you are.

It certainly does.

Then I'll stop spreading it.

You're not fit to bein the same camp

with a man likeCaptain Tuttle!

McIntyre?

Frank, if you're here to help,

all the bedpans have already been emptied.

Have you seen Tuttle?

You just missed him.

He's over at X-ray with Hot Lips.

He said something aboutdoing some chest pictures.

You're a liar.

Well, uh, loo--Excuse me, sir.

I-- Well, don't let meinterfere with your work.

I'll just, uh, put thispackage for you downand-and-and wait outside.

I-I know what you'redoing must be veryimportant, sir.

That is,if you are doing it...uh...

Well, thank you very much.

Oh, Major!

Margaret,have you seen him?

-Who? -Tuttle.

Pierce said he was with you.

McIntyre saidhe was with you!

Margaret, you haven'tbeen seeing him secretly,have you?

Shh, Frank! There are people.

If I find outyou're seeing Tuttle,

I'll put my headunder a jeep.

Uh, j-- Frank...

Frank, no one can take your place.

No matter how attractiveI find Captain Tuttle.

Just as I thought.

Tuttle hasn't beenpaid in 14 months.

And he never said a word.

What a guy.

Soldier, where do I findCaptain Jonathan Tuttle?

Uh, well, he's insurgery right now, sir.

Now where is that? I have a mess of back pay for him.

Uh, yes, he said I couldtake it and sign for him.

Corporal, when it involves this much money,

I have to get his signature.

I'm sorry, Captain Tuttle.I had to have you sign

to make sure that the signatures match.

You'd be surprised the number of people

that want to stick it to Uncle Sam.

I hope the lack of pay wasnot an inconvenience to you.

No-no, fortunately,I'm independently wealthy.

My father inventedbill padding.

Now you understandthat all my future pay

is to go directly toSister Theresa's orphanage.

You are an inspiration to us all.

I know.

-Colonel? -Hmm?

It's for you.General Clayton.

General...?

Colonel Clayton,General Blake here, sir.

Steady, Henry.

Yes, sir.

Uh, I just call to offermy congratulations.

Well, that certainly meansa lot coming from you, sir.

Uh, may I ask for what?

Well, I just got a letterfrom Sister Theresa.

Oh, I didn't knowyou had a sister.

She's a nun.

Oh, you must be very proud, sir.

Sister Theresa is a nunwho runs an orphanage

near your outfit.

Oh, well, I mean, I don'tknow every nun in the, uh...

It's not my habit,sir, to, uh--

That's not what I mean.

She told me that Captain Tuttle

donated 14 months' pay to her orphanage.

Well, we're all mightyproud of Captain Tuttle.

I was, uh, just telling himthat, last night at dinner.

We've got to make our appreciation

more, uh, tangible, Henry.

I mean, it's one thing to admire a man's work.

But it's another thing to get

your picture in the paper doing it, huh?

Therefore, I've decided to come out

on the field tomorrow

and personally giveCaptain Tuttle a decoration.

Wow!

What's that?

I mean, uh, "Wow, sir."

-Yes, sir? -Rad--

Where is he? Where is Tuttle?

Captain Pierce wentto get him, sir.

-Radar, do I seem, uh---Scared to death. Yes, sir.

Go hurry them up.

One day he'll be comingto decorate you, Frank.

Well, it's easy for Tuttle.He had all the breaks.

Oh, Frank,don't be bitter.

He's a fine American.

The finest.

Our country can use allthe Tuttles we can get.

General Clayton.

How do you do, Sister?

Good work. We're proud of you.

Well...

Shall we get on with it, Henry?

Eh, on with it.Uh, yes, General.

Well, where's Tuttle?

Oh, uh,he's coming, sir.

He's quite busy.

Busier than a Brigadier General?

Excuse me.

Would you tell Radar to tell Pierce

-to tell Tuttle to get...-He's here, sir.

He's here, sir.

Uh, I mean...

He's here, sir.

General.

Pierce, isn't it?

Yes, sir.

I'm afraid you're not gonna like this, sir.

Well, then, uh, keep itto yourself, Pierce.

Tell us after wedecorate Tuttle.

There is no Tuttle.

No Tuttle?

No Tuttle?

Not any more, sir.

That's all that's left.

Well, how-how'dit happen?

Well, you know Tuttle...

No sacrifice too great.

This morning, while the rest of us

were selfishlyhaving a cup of coffee,

he went off in a helicopterto do some field surgery.

He jumped with his plasma, his bag...

everything an army doctor needs...

except his parachute.

Oh, how awful!

I'll see that he gets apersonal citation for this.

I, uh, think that all of uswho knew and loved Tuttle

would like to pay tributeto this, uh, heroic man.

And I thinkit's only fitting

that the manwho knew him best,

Captain Pierce,deliver the eulogy.

That's not true. I knew him best.

Shh!

We can all be comfortedby the thought

that he's not really gone,

that there's a littleTuttle left in all of us.

In fact, you might saythat all of us together

made up Tuttle.

I'll never forget him.

Our grief will pass.

It's already hard to remember

exactly how Johnny looked,

how he talked.

His little laugh.

Thankfully, he's left behind a memorial.

I've been informed by Radar

that Captain Tuttle's GI insurance

named Sister Theresa's orphanage

as his sole beneficiary.

How typical.

We salute you, Captain Tuttle...

humanitarian and healer.

Good luck, Doctor...

in that great bigwaiting room in the sky.

He was the best damn OD we ever had.

Nice work.There wasn't a dryeye in the camp.

Tuttle always brought out the best in me.

Yeah, I have a question.

Where'd you guys get the parachute and the dog tags?

Uh, that wasMajor Murdock.

-Who? -Who's Major Murdock?

You know, Murdock?Tall, skinny guy.

Tuttle's replacement.

Oh, yeah, I had breakfastwith him this morning.