Original subtitles

Hey, Radar, why don't you eat with us?

Okay.

That's a nice-looking hors d'oeuvre.

Would you like a doggy bag in advance?

Oh, don't give hima doggy bag.

He eats those, too,with cream and sugar.

Hey, what'sthe matter, kid? Come on.

You gotta stay in trainingfor the Olympic Glutton Team.

I'll see you guys later.

-What about your lunch?-I'm not eating.

That's a first.

Radar not eating.

Not eating?

We saw it with our own eyes.

-Aw, come on. -Henry, we were there.

You know,yesterday I walked in here

and found him on topof that filing cabinet

in the fetal position.

The fetal position?

Dr. Freud, call your office, please.

And this morning,General Clayton calledfor the monthly report,

and Radar told him"We don't deliver."

Well, we don't.

Not after 6.

That's not the point.

Colonel Blake.

I'm in conference,Major.

What I have to say is important.

I love shy, retiring women.

Colonel Blake, I requisitioned

surgical silk for the O.R.,

and I was sent two boxes of ordinary cotton thread.

What are we supposed to do with that?

How about learning petit point?

The next time you see me, I want a salute, Captain.

Shall we make it in the women's shower, Major?

You'd better do something

about the requisition foul-ups, Colonel--

not your usual something,

but something that means something.

I wonder how she'd like

some plaster of Paris in her shaving cream?

Cotton thread. Do youknow how long it's been

since Radar screwed upa requisition?

Henry, he's cracking up.

Or sick. Or both.

Hey.

Hey, suppose we give hima complete physical,

take him through a real workup.

Henry,that's a good idea.

Well, I sometimes get them.

Okay, Muscles, step behind the screen.

Hey, you know, you're cute.

Just take the picture.

HAWKEYE:Kill the lights, Cutler.

CUTLER: Hawkeye, do you mind?!

Keep your voice down.

You're disturbingthe patient!

She's not botherin' me.

Really, Hawkeye!

You act like sucha child at times!

Is it high?

High? According to this,

your blood should havewhitecaps.

Come on, snap it up, will you, Radar?

Look, don't rush me.It makes me nervous.

Whistling doesn't help,you know.

Ah, come on, get on with it.

Get it right this time,and I'll give you a lollipop.

Listen,everything is negative.

-You're in good shape.-Told you I was all right.

If you were any healthier,you could be In the Army.

Yeah. It's not organic.

Right. Your body is 1-A.

But your mind if 4-F.

You know, I've seenthese symptoms before.

It's called goldbricking.

My prescriptionis a little extra duty.

Frank, would you mind not being so true red-white-and-blue

first thing in the morning?

Look, Radar,this examination

only answershalf the questions.

Now come on, tell us.

What's bugging you?

It's nothing.

Is that why you walk around

staring at your navel?

Although I don't know anybody else who would.

It's nothing, I said.

Now listen to me, soldier.

We're all in this togetherwith a common goal--

to serve our countryand repel the godlesshorde from the north

that would engulfour way of life.

-Frank. -Hmm?

He's okay, but you're making me sick.

Godless horde?

Oh, nertz to you.

Nertz?

Come on, Radar. Let us help you.

Tell us, what's-what'sturnin' you into a fruitcake?

Come on, kid. What is it?

Put it on and see.

FEMALE VOICE: Hi, there, Radar.

This is Linda Sue, comin' to you from the glass booth

of Holtzman's Department Store.

Everything is real good here,

and, being as how you and I are engaged,

I think you should be the first to know

I'm going to marry Elroy Fimple.

Now, please don't take it too hard

'cause I know we're all gonna be real good friends

if you come back alive.

Just a minute now.

ELROY: Hiya, ol' buddy!

Say, I'm awful sorry about what happened,

but I guess you have to charge it up

to ol' Mother Nature.

Well, you know how it is.

And I sure hope you understand.

Good luck, and keep knockin' off them commies.

Bye now!

LINDA SUE: Goodbye, Radar!

I'll always have a soft place in my--

-Elroy!

-It's a glass booth!

Elroy!

Quit kissing that part, can you?

Elroy!

A "Dear John" recording.

Listen, Radar, I know it's rough--

Look, this shouldn't be so hard.

What cures a man of a broken heart?

Heavy alimony?

A date with Radar?

Yeah, let him take you to the movies.

Oh, he's a nice enough guy, but...

How 'bout tonight?

I can't, I'm busy.

I've got a date.

Oh, I'm sure.With whom?

You.

Who elsecan we think of?

Just a movie, O'Brien.

Or a walk over to the rec tent for a beer.

Forget it.

Try it once.

Look, I promise you he'll shave,

and he won't wear his wool cap.

I'll even get him to clean his glasses.

I'm very fond of him,

but I'm not going out withCorporal Radar O'Reilly,

and that's that.

Would you hand memy towel, please?

Dry yourself with this.

Trapper!

And I hope your shower cap springs a leak.

He's bright,he's a good talker.

He's got a warm personalitywhen you get to know him.

Radar? Oh, come on!

Now, look.Now, listen.

Just tryto imagine this.

You go for a walk in themoonlight down by the river.

Take along a blanketand a bottle of wine...

-Mm-hmm. -Hmm?

You sit ina secluded spot.

There's just the soundof the rippling water.

Mmmm.

And then afterthat it's just

soft, moist, warm,passionate kisses.

Oh, yeah, Hawkeye. Yeah...

Oh, hey, well, what about Radar?

Radar who?

What?

Well, listen, thanksfor the try, guys, anyway.

-Look---I really appreciate it.

It just happens everybodyin camp was busy.

Don't let itmake you feel bad.

Yeah.

Radar, you got to understand

no woman's worth that kind of anguish.

Now look, let's face it.

I struck out inthe World Series of love.

Radar, just suffer.Don't try to write.

Lieutenant, you'll stay here.

Lieutenant, come with me.

Corporal, get the lieutenant's bags.

Uh, yes, sir.

Thanks.

That's sweet of you.

Um, Corporal?

-Hmm? -Your hand.

Oh, that's all right. I am not using it now.

Did you see her, Hawkeye?

She's beautiful.

I know. I heard the violins.

Actually, this isa very nice bottle of wine.

It's got a pictureof a vineyard on the label

just to show it was made outta grapes.

What a nice gesture, Captain.

Thank you very much.

It's for those days whenthe surgeons get restless.

And you cancall me Hawkeye.

You're obviously in charge

of making the replacements feel at home, right?

Oh, I just drivethe Welcome Wagon.

I think you'llfind we're a mightyfriendly bunch of folks

here in Cowardly Valley,missy ma'am.

The Plays of George Bernard Shaw.

Plato's Republic.

Oh, autographed by the author.

The Complete Works of D'Annunzio.

That's very interesting.

Do you like Italian poets?

No, but I'm crazy about lasagna.

Lieutenant, I was wonderingif you'd like to come over

to the rec tenta little later

and meet some ofour brave little gang?

Oh, thanks. I'll meet your brave little gang

in time, I'm sure.

There's one guy in particular

I know you'd enjoy meeting.

He's-He's a brilliantconversationalist.

Got a provocative senseof humor, an inquiring mind.

I know you'll love him.

I'm sure I would, but, uh...

Vivaldi?

Bach at Carnegie Hall.

Tchaikovsky,Shostakovich...

You got some greattoe-tappers here.

At least you got the names right.

Oh, thank you.

I'm a "Beer BarrelPolka" man myself.

Well, he said,how 'bout later?

Pick you uparound 8:00?

You know, Hawkeye,

you're a very famous local character.

Who squealed?

And I am flattered.

But I'm also tired

and a little leery.

Thanks for the bottle.

I had a nice time at your unpacking.

Hey, Radar, you got a problem.

Come here.

This Lieutenant Andersonhas a brain.

Hawkeye, people with brainsdon't get transferred here.

Oh, yeah?

This kid brushes her teethwith an encyclopedia.

Look, I borrowed thesefrom Father Mulcahy

for training purposes.

You got a lottawork to do.

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy.

War and peace?

Yeah, well, Tolstoywas very flexible.

He went either way.

Now, look, you can'tpossibly read all of these.

-Just familiarize yourselfwith the names and dates.-Yeah.

You know--You know what I mean?

-Just fake it. -Yeah.

Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

That sounds serious.

Well, it was no picnic.

"The crumbling Roman Empire was beset with strife."

You just spoiled the movie for me.

What do I do if she corners me on something?

Okay, all right.You just...

You look thoughtfuland you say:

"That's highlysignificant."

-No.-No, come on. Try it, try it.

That's highly significant.

He said look thoughtful,not sick.

All right, okay,try this, try this:

"I consider thathorse-and-buggy thinking."

I consider that horse-and-buggy thinking.

That's not bad.

-Hey! -Yeah, I like that.

Now, look, you mightget into a discussionabout music with her.

Music?

Yeah, she's got somepretty highbrow taste.

Mozart? Bach? All the biggies?

Bach is easy.

If she brings him up,you just smile

and you say:"Ahh, Bach."

-Ahh, Bach.-Smile a little bit.

-Ahh, Bach! -That's nice.

Very good.That's not bad.

Now, if she throwsother guys at you

-like Shostakovich or Tchai-- -Who?

Shostakovichor Tchaikovsky,

just try to look bored.

That's your bored look?

Yeah.

Go back to lookin' sick.

What do I do if she asks me what I like in music?

Well, say, uh...

"Well, I'm partialto the fugue."

Well, I'm partial to the fugue.

Can I say that to a girl I hardly know?

And, I've been working at the headquarters hospital in Seoul.

-Very GI compared to this.-Oh.

Well, We run a veryinformal shop around here.

We don't work too hard.

Yeah, we try not to let the war spill over

into the cocktail hour.

-Say something.-Speaking of Tolstoy...

Tolstoy? What about him?

Uh, Radar was sayingjust the other day

how flexible he is.

Right, Radar?Remember that?

-Flexible? -Flexible.

Uh, what Radar meant was

that Tolstoy could eitherwork at his writing

or, uh, not workat his writing.

Actually, he was one of the hardest-working

neo-realist writers of the 19th century.

I'll go along with that.

I'll tell you howI feel about Tolstoy.

That's highly significant.

I haven't said anything yet.

That's okay.

I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.

Would you like some ketchup?

It wouldn't hurt.

Thanks.

Real service.

I'm pretty good with mustard, too.

Yeah, we use a lot ofketchup around here.

It improves the food.

Well, when in Rome...

The, uh, fall of the Roman Empire

was due to internal strife.

Yeah, that's interesting.

It's from The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

Radar reads an awful lot.

Big reader.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,he's voracious.

Really?

Is that true?

Maybe it is...

and maybe it isn't.

Did you ever see anything like that?

Making a fuss over an enlisted man?

Fawning all over him?

It's almost obscene,that's what it is.

Probably only gotone thing on her mind.

Don't say that word, Frank.

Not at lunch.

I was telling Radar aboutthe great records you have.

Oh, yeah, you can borrow 'emany time you want to, Radar.

Oh, thanks.

I've got Shostakovich,

and I've got the LondonSymphony playing Tchaikovsky.

And, of course,I never travel anywhere

without good old Johann Sebastian.

Ahh.

Bach.

What does that mean? "Ahh, Bach"?

Uh, just that. Ahh, Bach.

I think once you'vesaid that, you'vesaid it all.

Ahh, Bach.

All right, hold it.

Somehow,there's a mathematicalprecision about Bach,

a complexity that addsup to actual simplicity.

It-it goes beyond emotion.

Um, I suppose non-loversof Bach, if there are any,

would never really beable to understand it.

It's against regulations

for enlisted personnelto consort with officers.

Major, has itoccurred to you

that these two peoplemay be in love?

-That's not important.-Not important?!

Without love, what are we worth?

89 cents.

89 cents' worth of chemicalswalking around lonely.

That means my marriage is only worth $1.78?

Colonel, Lieutenant Andersonis one of my nurses.

I'm responsible for her conduct.

Corporal O'Reillyis your responsibility.

I want this affair with him terminated!

Affair?!

You're worried about Radar?

A near-sighted, prepubescent corporal

with six toes on each foot?

While we're at it,how many more physicals

are you and Frank gonna exchange

before you declare each other fit?

Are you going toenforce the regulations

or try to lose it in the shuffle?

I'm warning you: break upthis little romance,

or you'll force meto make a formal complaint

over your head to General Clayton.

One of these days I'm gonna booby-trap her garter belt.

Wonder how she'd like it

if I broke up her romancewith Frank Burns?

I wonder how she'd feel about that.

Now, Pierce,I-I did not hear that.

I did not hear that,and if it comes to that,

I will-I will denyany complicity with,or knowledge of,

that sort of cheap, low, sneaky,

underhanded maneuver.

Think you can do it?

You got it.

With a little butter and salt.

Wouldn't you like some

if we sent out for some popcorn?

All right, folks, we'll,uh, have our film now.

HAWKEYE: I know what I need.

A couple of hotdogs, like at a drive-in.

TRAPPER JOHN: For what?

HAWKEYE: To watch the movies with.

Okay, uh, folks, you want to, uh...

Would you kind of settle--

All right, people, all right.

RADAR : Quiet!

Thank you, Radar.

Our, uh, film todaydeals with, uh, the, uh,

newest methods oftreating cardiogenic shock.

And along with that, we'll have some slides

on the newest drugs available to us,

uh, for the treatment of this, uh, disorder.

Lights, please, Radar? Thank you.

-Hey, Frank. -Yeah? Yeah?

Uh, Major, I just got word that you're needed

right away in the post-op.

Oh, coming.

Listen, this isright up your alley.

Yeah, well, yes,this is my specialty.

But practice makes perfect.

-I've always said that.-Yeah, yeah.

HENRY: All right, this is slide A,

followed, of course, by slide...C?

B. By B.

Sir, either stop that,or I'll call the usher.

Ohh!

It's been days and daysand days and days, Frank.

Shall we try for tonight?

Mmm, my place or yours?

Yours. Last night, they sewed me into my blanket.

Dr. Trueheart must havesomething going tonight,

right, lover?

-Anybody we know? -Anybody we missed?

Just because a man shaves,

-does it have to mean he's---Yes, it does!

That's why shaving was invented:

to kill time before a date.

It would never occur to people of your ilk

that a man might just want to get rid of his beard

and feel clean, would it?

Oh, you'd be clean withor without a beard, Frank.

You're the cleanest of the clean.

You're even cleaner.

You're so clean, you're dirty.

An officer should respect himself

and the men he commands...

Oh, no.

Poor Frank.

Just can't hold his chloroform.

Come in, darling.

What do you want?

Uh, Major Burns' compliments, ma'am.

He's sorry, but he can't keephis date with you tonight.

Date? What date?

I have no datewith Major Burns.

We're just acquaintances.

Oh, we run into eachother once in a while.

Well, he can't run into you tonight.

Where were you?

What happened last night?

You wouldn'tbelieve it.

Those two maniacs?

They gave mea cologne overdose.

What?

Well, I told youyou wouldn't believe it.

Now?

You'd think they could run that post-op ward

for just one nightwithout me.

I guess not.

You're a very important man--

-Well... -...ma'am.

All right, Sergeant.What is it?

What's-- What's what, Major?

I was told I was needed,and here I am.

What for?

That's what I'masking you.

We've got no problems here, Major.

Except yours.

Well, then why did--

Margaret, dear...

it's me. Frank!

What are you doing?

What are we doing?

Just a littlepillow talk.

But don't tellthe housemother.

Ohh! You guys!

I've had it! I've had it with...

Ohh!

What are you doing in my bed?!

The first onewas too hard.

And the second one was too soft.

All right, all right!

Now what's it gonna take for you two

to leave me alone?

Ease up on Radarand Louise Anderson,

and cut out allthat GI garbage.

-Let 'em enjoy. -No!

It's blackmail.

-Okay. -Nighty-night.

Stop it! Stop it!

We have a "stop it". Do I hear an "uncle"?

Uncle!

No calls toGeneral Clayton?

No more calls to General Clayton.

And you'll stay off Henry's back?

I'll get off Henry's back.

Fine. And there'sjust one more thing.

What?!

Who is this manin bed with me?

Oh!

You don't know me.

I followed you home from the movie.

Out!

Of course, it was customary at that time

for musicians to be subsidized by wealthy patrons.

Here they are, America's kid sweethearts.

And they owe it all to us.

The Acme Cupid company.

Considering the almost insurmountable odds

against a young, struggling composer,

his achievement, let alonehis prodigious output,

becomes even more astounding.

-Hi, there. -Hello.

Hiya, Radar.

-Radar? -Aah! Bach!

Tolstoy?