Original subtitles

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

MAN : Attention, all MASH personnel,

tonight's War Department film

on how to lead a good, clean life

has been canceled

due to unusually heavy indifference.

Mm-hmm.

Another day of bed rest.

Oh. Yes. He'scoming along splendidly.

I did this one myself.

Quality shows, Frank.

I like to think so.

All right.Try not to move.

You've bought enoughshrapnel in your backside

to use it as a doorstop.

Let's watch our language,shall we, McIntyre?

Frank,I'm sorry about that,

but you know how it is.War is heck.

What have you got againstwriting intelligibly?

If I could have done that,I'd have become a lawyer.

Another day of bed rest.Continued IVs.

How are you this morning, Pierce?

Not too good, but I'llfeel better once I desert.

This man's North Korean.

Right, first time.

Well,you better tell the MPs

to have him transferredto the POW section.

Time, Frank, time.

We just got this kid outta shock.

He's got multiple lacerations.

We stick him in the clink,he's liable to kick off.

Oh, he doesn't lookthat bad to me.

Look, whatever he needs,

he can get itat the next stop.

I'm sending him out.

Hold it, Doctor.

What this guy needs issome plasma and some rest.

He doesn't need a ticketfor being on the wrong side.

We've got limited bed space. You know that.

Why doesn't somebody tell themthat up at the front?

They keep shootingeach other like we'vegot beds for everybody.

-Get him out today. -I don't think so.

Look, don't make meget unpleasant.

I can't improve on nature, Frank.

-He goes. -He stays.

I'm sorry, but this time,he happens to be right.

Look, I know the guy behaveslike an enlistment poster,

but I mean, this time,I gotta back Frank up.

I want one day for that patient.

-One day. -You want.

You know, Pierce,

you got a way of makingevery man in this outfit

feel as ifhe's working for you.

Henry, open your middle drawer.

Look, this is not just another beef against Frank Burns, you know.

We can't turn that kid away.

Well, I mean, you're notasking much, are you?

I mean, you only want meto give him one unit

of AB negative.

One lousy pint of blood.

Henry, I mean, who'll ever miss it?

We're talkingabout AB negative.

Look, if I hand outAB neg to somebodyfrom the other side,

and then one ofour kids needs it,

Well, General Hammondwill personally

give me a tylectomywithout a local.

Yes, sir.Radar!

Pierce.Damn it, Radar.

How many times have Itold you not to come in here

before I call you?

Well, I don't like to be late, sir.

How can you be lateif you come in here

before I even knowI want you?

Ours is not to question why, sir.

What why? What? I--

You wanted these transfer orders, sir?

-No, I want the transfer orders. -Yes, sir.

Those ones that you'vegot there in your hand.

Those are the ones.

Wait a minute, Henry. What orders are those?

You're not transferringthe Korean?

I've got no choice.Now, honest...

I mean, we've onlygot so many beds,

and this kid's got onewaiting someplace else.

That'll be all, Rad--

Gimme 24 hours beforeyou ship him out.

No.

One day.

As opposed to 24 hours?

Henry, you're turninginto a regular army clown

before our very eyes.

Yeah.

All right, take all the time you want.

You mean it?

Just get him outta the post-op.

All right, where do we put him?

Anywhere.I mean-- But I don'twant any more static

from Frank Burns.That man is a raw nerve.

HAWKEYE:I couldn't agree more.

TRAPPER JOHN: You know, if I didn't know better,

I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag.

No sweat. Everything's gonna be okay.

Ask him if he's comfortable.

Glucose on this side.

Look, ask him his name.

We can't just treat himlike a wounded egg roll.

Wish we had subtitles for this.

He's called Pai.

Welcome to the end of the war, Pai.

RADAR: Hawkeye.

Oh, here's the personal records you wanted.

This-- this is the entire MASH personnel here

and their blood type.

Terrific.

Take two splints out of petty cash.

Surprising how many of ushave blood, isn't it?

Well, it's not so hardif you stay far enoughbehind the lines.

I'm trying to find somebody with AB neg.

Pssst.

Isn't that the POW?

That's right.He's in my C-O-T.

I ordered him shipped out.

What's he doing here?

Easy, Frank.Henry okayed it.

He's not taking upanybody's space but mine.

Why don't you buzz off, Frank?

Go review your hypocritical oath.

Trap?

Hmm?

What do you think?

Hey.

Good work, Igor. Very good.

In the morning, he willbe one of my brides.

Shhh.

Not so loud, my count.

Oh, Margaret...

I think we struck dream.

Oh, Frank, you're so strong.

You're so big and strong.

We don't want to get him too excited.

We might start something we can't finish.

-You got enough? -Almost.

I wanna put a head on it.

This guy can sleep through anything.

But then he gets a lot ofpractice while he's awake.

-How are you doin'? -Full.

One pint even.

Shall we check his oilwhile we're at it?

You get him cleaned up.

I'll go get Pai ready.

Good night, darling.

You're the greatest.

Hmm...

Did you get it?

A full pint.

Great. Is he all right?

He's fine.

They may have to putstarch in his underwear

to sit up, but he's okay.

I see you orderedthe hunt breakfast.

The hunt breakfast? What is--

Forget it.

Can I help it if the war gives me an appetite?

That's an awfully dirty lookfor so early in the day.

I just wanted tothank you for last night.

You weren't with me last night.

I was speakingfor my fantasies.

You never quit, do you?

Well, in the absenceof any real success

with you in the amourdepartment,

you have to allow methe odd fantasy or two.

You're having one right now, aren't you?

Yeah.

Is this a new one or are you undressing me

with your eyes again?

Well, if I did it with my hands,

-I'd get killed, right?-Uh-huh.

Not a bad way to go, really.

What do you say?

You got a minute?

Uh, actually, I'm trying to make some time

with this lieutenant person.

He's got a minute.

It's about Pai.

See ya later.

I'm sure you will,

whether I'm there or not.

-What's wrong? -You name it.

Severe abdominalpains, nausea,

darkened specimen,

can't keep anythingon his stomach.

-Transfusion reaction. -Mm-hmm.

Last night's trip to Transylvania.

Same symptoms as hepatitis.

But it can't be from Frank's blood.

I mean, not that fast.

It might bea new variant.

Well, stranger things have happened.

If Frank did have it,

it'd be a lovely way toget him out of our hair.

What about outta the outfit?

There he goes. Typhoid Mary.

Loaded withjaundice juice.

Let's go.

-Hey, Frank. -Frank!

Frank.

Hold it up.

Hey, how do you feel, pal?

Feel? Me?

-Yeah. -What's the gag?

No gag.We're interestedin your health.

Oh, come on!

Frank, listen.

You, uh, are you eating all right?

I mean, do you have any signs of fatigue or anything?

None. Why are you...?

Well, my sleep was off a bit last night.

I had this weird dream.

-Yeah? -What was it?

That I was a soda witha big straw stickin' in me.

You know something?

You could be coming down with something.

A guy who works as hard as you.

Feel that, feel that.

-Huh? Huh? -Oh, wow.

You guys are starting something.

Frank, don't be paranoid.

I'm only paranoid 'causeeverybody's against me.

Fever, too, Doctor, you know?High pulse rate.

Yeah, a little disoriented here.

-Classic signs. -Oh, cut it out.

Hey, Frank, listen.

Why don't you give us a blood sample?

The lab down in Seoul cando a complete run on you

and have the results back here in two hours.

I'm fine. I'm completely fine.

The last thing I'm gonnagive you two ghouls

is any of my blood.

Ghouls.

That's a nice thing to call us vampires.

You know, we are gonnahave to check him out.

I mean,for his own good.

I don't think we can doanother midnight caper.

Well, we gota little left over

from last night'ssiphon.

It might be enough.

I think we're gonna have toget something else from Frank

to back that up, don't you?

Definitely.

Frank, old buddy,

let's hope you're not too house-broken.

-Okay? -Okay.

Frank Burns at six o'clock.

Oh, what do you say, Frank?

You got a minute?

I'm not giving you a blood sample.

I'm probably the fittest man in this outfit.

And don't ask me again how I feel,

because you have no real concern for my welfare at all.

Take it easy, Frank.

There's a veinstanding out on your head

you could tow a car with.

We just wanted your help,that's all.

Yeah.

You wanted my help?

Well three's somethingwrong with the beer, Frank,

and we can'tfigure out what it is.

Well, you know all I knowabout beer is that I...

I can't hold it.

I told you he'd be too hard-nosed to help.

Yeah, I thought for oncehe'd be a regular guy.

Well, let's see.

Okay, try this.

Tastes all right to me.

Well, that's not enough to tell.

It's fine.

Okay, try this one.

Aren't they the same?

Close your eyes.

No monkey business.

Come on.

Now try this one.

Now, rememberwhat that tastes like.

-Mm-hmm. -And try this one.

Now which onewas stronger?

The first oneor the second one?

I'm not really sure.

Okay, let's trythe first one again.

All right, now we'lltry the other one.

Well?What do you think?

I'll be right back.

Which beer do you think's flatter?

Oh, I-I don't know. Just leave me alone, can't you.

You don't think the first was different from the second?

No. Yes. Wh-Whatever.

Why are you two following me?

Oh, no problem.It's on our way.

-What's on your way?-Wherever you're going.

That's the great kinda guys we are.

-Oh, morning, sir. -What are you-- What are you doing?

Get this thingout of my way!

I'm sorry, sir. This is closed.

Closed?

How can it be closed?

We're redecorating.

What kind of nonsense is this?

No, we're just trying tobrighten up our lives, sir.

We had many complaintsthat the latrines lacked

any sort of aestheticquality whatsoever,

and it's essentialthat we show the Koreans

democratic plumbingin action.

Does the colonel know about this?

Well, of coursehe does, sir.

He signedthe papers himself.

Well what are we supposed to do

until the grand reopening?

Well, if you'll just step this way, sir,

we have a temporary officers'arrangement right over here.

This is it?

Well, there'smore to it, sir.

Ready, Pierce?

Hang on.

You got the full scam?

I get the stuff to HQ lab in Seoul,

wait for the report

and get back here as fast as I can.

-Or it's? -My butt, sir.

All right.

Drive carefully.

-Yes, sir. -Okay, go.

How long do you figure?

Two hours, tops.

Well, we can't let him near any patients

until we get that report.

Right.No patients.

And no Hot Lips.

HAWKEYE : Observe the female of the species.

Seemingly calm and detached,

her tiny G.I. bosom is beating wildly

because she senses the presence

of her frequent partner

the notorious red-necked nose-breather.

Uh-oh. The signaling process has begun.

Eyeballs are exchanged,

and our khaki lovers

do their famous "Where will we meet today?" ritual.

It is almost impossible

for the uninitiated to discern any connection

between these two U.S. Army majors,

yet the trained observer will see

that what these two officers have in mind

is to arrange a bit of brass rubbing.

Excuse me.

-Uh, excuse me, sir. Sir?-Huh? Huh?

Uh, The colonel says that he'd like to see you

in his office immediately.

-The-The colonel? -Yes, sir.

He's really very upset about something

and wants you there right away.

-Now?-Yes, sir. He said immediately.

It was imperative that you got there right away.

Oh!

I've been on fire all day.

Just the sight of youand I wanna do crazy things.

Okay, where do we start?

Oh, any way.

What are you doing here?

I'm taking a survey forthe Peeping Toms of America.

You foul-minded, dirty,sneaking, spying--

Not only that,

but Dish wants you in post-op on the double.

Oh! You haven't heardthe last of this!

I bet I have.

Why-Why would I send for you, Frank?

I would assume that if you sent for me,

you'd at least know why.

Well, I mean, I would too.

Why that certainly follows.

Excuse me.

-Yes, sir? -Rada--

Radar, Major Burns heresays you said I said

I wanted to see him. Is that true?

Yes, sir.

Well, did I want to see him?

You must have, sir. Here he is.

Radar, are you tryin' to--

Why would I wanna pull a fast one, sir?

Will you stop sayingwhat I am thinking?

One of us has to.

Would you mind initialing these initials?

Why am I initialingthese initials?

To authorize a stamp madewith your initials, sir.

Oh.

It'll save you having to do so much initialing.

-Uh-huh. Good thinking.-Thank you.

Thank you.

Colonel, am I dismissed?

Hmm?

Oh. Yes, uh...

I think we've, um, justabout covered it, Frank.

Covered what?

Whatever.

Come see us any time, sir.

But I didn't sendfor you, Major, really.

Then why did Pierce sayyou needed my help?

Everything's under control.

That's when this placeis the most dangerous.

Sorry I couldn't meet you.

I was sent on a wild goose chase.

Hmm.

So was I.

Margaret, what's happening?

They're jealous,all of them jealous,

of our-- our fine, almostspiritual relationship.

Oh, you're so right.

They want to keep us apart

because we're symbols of--

of what a decent man and womancan mean to each other

without the tawdriness

that fills their sordidlittle affairs.

Yes, yes.

Take one step closer,

and I'll bite your chestright through your shirt.

Oh, Margaret.

Where can we go?

I'll check the vegetable bins.

Frank, it's 4:30. We haveto go on hospital duty.

Eight whole hours before I can touch you?

There's alwaysthe coffee break.

It's 4:30.

Yeah...

All right, let's go.

Boone should be back any minute.

Any minute would be just fine.

-You got 'em? -Yeah, I got 'em.

Hi, kids. Shall we make it a double date?

Just watch your tongue.

Can you say that in front of her?

Hey, Frank, we got a pretty light load in there today.

Why don't you let us handle it?

Oh, I carry my own weight.

We can't let you operate, Frank.

You look like an ad for death.

You can't?

The gall.

It's your liver, actually.

Think you'd bettertell him.

We think you might have hepatitis, Frank.

What are you talking about?

We took a pint of bloodoutta you last night.

-You what? -You took his what?

We drilled for blood, we gave it to the POW,

and now he shows everysign of serum hepatitis.

Well, it takes weeks forsuch symptoms to appear.

He probably came in here with it.

Yeah, maybe.

-But who knows? -Yeah.

My gown, Major.

-You're not going in there, Frank. -Oh, yes, I am.

No, Frank, you're a walkin' bug factory.

I'll deal with you twoleeches after my shift.

Sergeant, do your duty.

Major.

Hey, what are you doing there?

Hey, get those off me, you maniac!

Quiet, please. This is a hospital.

Let me out of this!

-Enjoy it while you can.-Easy, Frank.

We'll have your report back in no time.

Somebody!

Report? On my what?

I don't think we shouldtell him about that.

-No, I don't think---I'll have you broken.

There had better be a goodreason for all this racket!

I want these twoarrested immediately!

You always want these two arrested immediately.

Colonel, look at us!

Yeah, well, it looks a little silly,

I mean, without the music.

Look, if you have a good explanation for this,

I'll be a most attentive audience.

-Sir? -HENRY: Yes?

Oh, uh, not you, sir.

This sir here, sir. Here, sir.

Unlock him. Lab report, Frank.

"All tests for hepatitis negative."

You can't win 'em all.

I told you so.

That POW came in herewith it.

You stole a pint ofmy blood for nothing.

They what?

Maybe you'd know more aboutwhat going on in this camp

if you weren't so busyredecorating latrines.

Redecorating latrines? Well, I'm not--

-Radar, am I redecorating---Later, sir.

Okay, folks.Visiting hours are over.

Uh-oh. Bad news, Frank.

-What? -You've got anemia.

-Anemia?-Well, what do you expect

if you give a pint of bloodwhen you're not ready for it?

Yeah, you should have checked with us first.

Yeah, you're too selfless, Frank.

Very good.

What do you say, men?

Hiya, Frank. Hi, Pai.

Hi, guys.

How come the enemy talksto us and you don't?

You guys have a rough shift today?

Oh, bad enough.

But we didn't forget our star patient.

No hard feelings, Frank?

-Well... -That's good,

because there'sa heart transplant

we'd liketo experiment with

and you're justthe right type.

You--