All language subtitles for MASH.S01E06.Yankee.Doodle.Doctor.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

Hello.

I'm Brigadier GeneralCrandall Clayton.

As one of thousands of,uh, brave Americans

fighting in this scrap
here in Korea,

I have the honor to commanda group of courageous,

hard-working medical men,surgeons in uniform

using their skill to repairthe damage of war.

The film you're
about to see

is a true case of their
service in a great cause.

I'm sure it'll be as
inspirational to you

as it was to me,
their leader.

All right, cut.
Save the lights.

Beautiful.General, Lovely.

You're giving this littledocumentary real class.

Well, good, Lieutenant.

I want to cooperate inany way I can.

I appreciate
that, sir.

Oh, uh, I even broughtthat list you wanted.

Now look, these are MASH unitsunder my command.

I think I knowjust the outfit you need--

The 4077th.Very high fitness record.

Commanded bya dear friend of mine

Lieutenant ColonelHenry Blake.

He heads upthe best surgical team

in the whole damn war.Real soldiers.

-You dance beautifully.-Thank you. So do you.

You're gonna be in townfor the whole convention?

Turn that thing off,
will ya?

Just keep shaving, Frank.

Hey, you're
a terrific dipper.

Oh, yeah.

After 18 hours
in an operating room,

where do you find the energy?

Can't help it, Frank.We're the crazy generation.

Who's been using my razor?

I cannot tell a lie.
It was I.

I told you before
to leave my stuff alone!

Oh, Frank, he only used itto shave his legs.

Oh, you guys.

-Oh.
-He's so fresh.

Ten-hut.

Hiya, Henry.

Hiya, Henry.

At ease, men.

Uh, this isLieutenant Bricker.

Lieutenant Bricker,this is Major Burns.

Hi. How are ya?

-Captain McIntyre.-Nice to see ya.

-How are ya?-And, uh, Captain Pierce.

-How you been?
-How are ya?
Nice to see you.

Welcome aboard,
Lieutenant.

Uh, surgeon?

Well, I hope so.

We don't need
a gynecologist.

No, Lieutenant Brickeris with Special Services.

He's a movie director.

Well, welcome anyway.

Thank you.

Um, officers and doctors?

That's what it sayson my box of leeches.

The lieutenant's on,uh, special assignment.

He's making a documentaryon MASH units.

And, uh, General Claytonsaid he couldn't make

a better choice thanthe old 4077th, huh?

Was he sober
when he said it?

I wanna tell your story,
focusing on one doctor

but, um, showing
all of you, of course.

Now, any of you
done any acting?

You dirty rat!

You come in here and you
ask if we've ever--

You dirty rat, if we've
ever done any acting?

Why, you dirty--That's not too bad, is it?

I never saw Carmen Mirandadone any better.

Now, cut that out.

I've had a little
experience, lieutenant.

Uh, amateur production
in college.

I played Romeo.

And Juliet.

Well, that's, uh--that's interesting, Major.

Thank you.

As a matter of fact,

I did dramatics
in high school, too.

For a while there,
it was a toss-up

whether I'd be a doctoror an actor.

What finally happened?

Shut him up.

Well, Frank is a fine surgeonand a first-rate officer.

But he's nothing
in a tight sweater.

How'd you like to have
a shot at this, captain?

Who, me?No, I'm sorry.

I'm under contractto North Korea...

as a spy.

Sense of humor, huh?

Moves well.
Good skin tone.

Yeah, but I promised FredI'd never dance withanybody but him.

It's for the old
4077th, Pierce.

Could be laughs.

Aw, come on!

Well, if you don't do it,he's gonna give it to Frank.

Okay, that does it!
You got me, Bricker.

Fine.
We'll start right away.

Gee, I was standing around,minding my own business,

and all of a sudden-- Poof!A star is born!

Attention, all personnel.

Attention, all personnel.

Casualties in
the compound.

All personnel report
on the double.

Start this guyon whole blood, stat.

-Yes, sir.-Now, hold it, hold it.

Now, now, cut.

I want a shot of youconferring with another doctor.

You know what I mean?Talking it over,making a decision.

Hey, fella?Could you smile a little bit,

like you got confidence
in the doctor?

Get this guy insideand prep him.

We promised MacArthurwe'd get the war on schedule.

-All right, all right,I got it.-All right, gimme a clamp.

Come on, give me a clamp.

Another clamp.Will you move? Come on!

That's great, fellas. Great.Keep on. Keep going.

-How you doing? How you doing?-All right, I got it.

We need a little more--A little more action.

You know?Something dramatic. Huh?

Hey, Trapper,
lift his appendix.

-What?-I think they need a close-up.

In fact, while you're at it,why don't you lift
his gallbladder?

Maybe you can sing
to his appendix.

-Will you get out of
here with that thing!
-Move!

And the secret of makingit better is in the hands

of fine corpsmensuch as you,

Corporal Radar O'Reillyof Ottumwa, lowa.

-Now, cut.
-Well, what was wrong
with that one?

Uh, you always wear
those glasses?

Since I was two.

They're reflecting
the lights.

Oh, isn't thatinteresting, sir?

The glasses werereflecting the lights.

-Can you see without them?-See what?

Never mind.
Keep them on.

But keep your head
down so we don't
get any reflection.

But look up
at the Colonel.

But keep your head down.

Look up
at the Colonel.

Keep your head down.

Look up
at the Colonel.

What do we have here?His-and-her majors?

Not interrupting,
are we?

No.

Uh, the major
was helping me

with the narrationfor the documentary.

Uh, Brickerasked me to do it.

He's a fantastic
performer.

Really?
And can he act, too?

-Give us a taste, Frank.-Yeah, oh, come on.

Go ahead, Frank.
Show them.

Skip that part.

"A group of brave menare at work

"in a makeshiftoperating room,

"struggling to saveyour sons and brothers,

"while, outside,the dogs of war

"bark at the doorof this sanctuary..."

Down, boy!Down, down!

Roll over.

"These are the saintsin surgical garb."

"Dedicated surgeons,all volunteers."

"Every red-blooded Americanknows, if he is wounded,

"he will be in the strong,capable hands

"of a YankeeDoodle Doctor."

A Yankee Doodle Doctor?

♪ Stuck a featherin his nurse ♪

Both:♪ And called her macaroni

You didn't like it?

Didn't like it?

Let me count the ways.

That's hardlya constructive criticism.

Oh, you wanta constructive criticism.

You're right.

How about "You stink"?

And so does thislittle movie show andLieutenant Bricker.

Stinks?

Oh, you, you--

Who are you callinga "you-you"?

Come on, Frank.We'll rehearse in my tent.

Take it easy, kids.

Save a little somethingfor the show.

Did you hear
that garbage?

-It's nothing but
a bunch of lies.
-I know.

They're making
a fairy-tale documentary.

-"All volunteers."
-Yeah...

When they came to
get me I was hiding
under the front porch,

trying to puncture my
eardrum with an ice pick.

All right, look,we've been had.

The picture's finished,and that's that.

What?

I don't think it's
quite finished enough,

if you get my drift.

Hawkeye: First, we get a hold of Radar.

Do you mind
if I sit here?

Uh, sir?

-Do you have a minute?
-For what?

Oh, well, I was wonderingif you have any tips

for anyone who wantedto get into the movies.

Uh, another time,
maybe, huh?

Oh, well, how did you
get started?

Me?

Hey.Give me a light over here.

That's it.

Screwdriver.

Wrench.

Ow.

You make a lousy nurse.

Yeah, but it's
been tough for me,

because I won't sell out.

I mean,
I'm a funny kind of guy.

Oh, are you?

Integrity means more
to me than anything.

The right to do
what I think is right.

Spotlight, please.

Moves kinda slow inthe beginning, doesn't it?

Well, maybe it gets betteras you go along.

Oh, that's my bad side.

It looked good to me.

Oh, well-- Oh, oh, you weregood in that place.

Isn't that good?

Moves better here.

Should we havea double feature?

Where was I?

You just marriedyour high-school teacher.

Wonderful woman.

Helped me a lot
with my career.

Wonder if she's
still alive?

Is that it?

Th-th-th-th-th-th-th--
that's all, folks!

-Ruined!-It's been exposed to light.

Every reel.

-All of it?
-All of it.

Well, I mean, naturallyI'm worried about all of it.

But, uh...
my stuff, too?

Well, I mean, I...

Your call forGeneral Clayton, sir.

Did I call
General Clayton?

I called him.

This is my office,
Lieutenant.

General Clayton,
Henry Blake.

Oh, everything's
fine, sir.

Well, uh,
not actually fine.

Um, actually, terrible
rather than fine.

But everything was
really fine before
it got terrible.

Tell him!

Well you see, sir,
Lieutenant Bricker shot

all of his movie, and then,uh, someone ruined it.

Yes, sir, exposed it.

Well, we don't
quite know how.

But it-it
was locked up.

And then someone who's
very good with his hands

and very good with tools,uh, like a surgeon, got--

I'll call you
right back, sir.

Bricker, come on.

Okay, why'd you do it?

-Do what?
-Do what you did.

What are we supposedto have done

that makes you ask ifwe've done what we did?

You ruined my film,
that's what you did!

Gee, I acted as wellas I could.

Don't get cute.
You know what I mean!

You guys openedhis cans!

I haven't opened a can
since I was an intern.

Oh, you can double-talk
him all you want.

I know you exposed
my film.

That's a very seriousaccusation, Lieutenant.

-And very hard to prove.
-Yeah.

Now, nobody pulls
that schoolboy crud

on Duane William Bricker.

We start reshooting
tomorrow, from the top.

Fine, go ahead,but do it without me.

-Aw, come on, Pierce.-I will not workwith that man.

He simply drained me.

I'm not putting my careerin his hands.

Career? Who do you
think you are?

The star of"Yankee Doodle Doctor."

-Could I just---No autographs at this time.

Has he left yet?

Save your voice,
my darling.

-Hey, let's be sensible.-Not now, Henry.

I'm going to my dressingroom to lie down.

I've met some weirdos
in my time,

but these two
take the cake.

Yeah, but at least it'shonest weirdoism, Bricker.

Not like that phoneyfootage you shot.

I'm not through here.

Then we'll disregardthe rumor.

Bricker, Bricker.

Uh, listen, we can
work things out.

'Course we can.

We'll just do the moviewithout that hotshot.

Well, no, uh,I don't think so.

-Not really.
-Huh?

Well, you see, uh,Hawkeye Pierce is, uh,

warts and all, kind ofthe heartbeat of this place.

Maybe we can work outa compromise.

Sergeant.

Get our gear loaded and takethe truck back to Seoul.

I'll take
the next chopper back.

Is that your ideaof a compromise?

Colonel, I'm a funny
kind of guy.

I never compromise.

I go right to surrender.

Listen.

Do you realize how
important that movie

would be back home,
to our folks,

to see the kind of job
we're doing here?

Gee, I told my folksI was, uh, coming over here

to avoid making
house calls.

Listen, crass as it
may sound,

I mean, it'd be a prettygood plug for us,

this movie, back home.You know.

Hey, he's right,
you know.

I can just hear them backat the hospital after the war.

"There goes Dr. Pierce.

"A fair doctor,but a great profile."

Now, look.

This monkey's gonna
hightail it right to
General Clayton.

And they're gonna
make that movie

at some other
MASH outfit.

That's gonna leave us
right out in the cold.

-Oh.
-Oh...

Hey...

-Uh, Henry?
-What?

Can we let Bricker goand keep his camera guy here

and all his equipment?

-I think so.-You still gotBricker's script?

I hope so.

Henry, we can make
this movie ourselves.

You can what?

We can make itourselves.

Oh, that's pretty
gutsy of you.

Well, "Guts" is
my middle name.

Actually, it's
"Kinda Disgusting".

I mean, you really
think you can do it?

Yeah!

Tomorrow morning
we start shooting.

Come on, Henry.What do you say?

Come on, what do you say?Come on--

-Okay, here's to it.-Okay.

Lieutenant Colonel
Henry Blake

and Captain Benjamin
Franklin Pierce

proudly present
"Yankee Doodle Doctor."

Where do you come offwith top billing?

Oh...

Because of your jewelry?

Okay, get a good shot
of this, Sergeant.

I'm getting it.

Move in closer.

Cut it.

This shot isn't
in the script, Captain.

Don't worry aboutthe script, Sergeant.

Just handlethe mechanical details.

Yes, sir.

-OK, ready?
-Ready to roll.

Action!

How far away should I...

All right, okay.

Wait a minute. Wait a second.Attention, everybody.

Wait a minute, listen...

Now, this scene is whenthe corpsmen unload Radar,

and Trapper and I come outand look him over

before they takehim away, all right?

Right.

All right, you, Sergeant,

put your cameraright about there

and get uscoming out of pre-op.

All right?Get in the truck, Radar.

All right. Okay.

-Are you all right?
-I'm acting.

-What?
-I'm acting!

Attention, all personnel.

Tonight in the mess tent,
at 2100 hours,

the movie that could turn Korea into a new Hollywood:

"Yankee Doodle Doctor", with a cast of several.

A movie that will
give you a lump

no surgeon can remove.

Ten-hut!

At ease.

Good to see you, Major.

Been a long time.

Too long, General.

Well, sir, it's justabout almost ready now,

any minute now,pretty soon, sir.

Excuse me, General,

you'll be sittingover here, sir.

And, uh, Major Burns, you'llbe sitting right there.

And Major Houlihan,of course, will be sitting

next to the general.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Quiet!

Now, uh, just a secondbefore we start here,

to welcome our honored guest,Brigadier General Clayton.

Now, um, this film thatwe're all about to see

for the first timeis the general's baby.

And of course
we're mighty proud

to be able
to deliver it.

Well, then, um,
on with the show.

Will you, uh, turn outthe, uh, lights, Radar?

Thank you.

Hello.

I'm Brigadier GeneralCrandall Clayton.

Among the thousands
of brave Americans

fighting in this scraphere in Korea,

I have the honor to commanda group of courageous,

hard-working medical men.

-Very good, sir.
-Very good, sir,really just so terrific.

-Marvelous. So professional.
-Shh.

The film you're aboutto see is a true record

of their service
in a great cause.

I'm sure it'll beas inspirational to you

as it is to me,
their leader.

Narrator: This is the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital,

somewhere in Korea.

Not a very attractive
military post,

mainly because the men of the 4077th have no time

for anything but the vital work they do.

Hey, Radar!

Hey! Beautiful!

Just a little medical
school humor, sir.

The men at the 4077th
are on 24-hour duty,

always ready to receive those GIs

who need medical help.

Doctor, doctor!
Can you give him a hand?

I'd rathergive you one.

Are you the Yankee
Doodle Doctor?

I certainly am.

Radar,
you're terrific.

Gosh, I'm glad they
brought me here.

Wait a minute.Have you got a reservation?

A reservation?

I'm afraid we're all booked upthrough New Year's.

But, Doctor!

I'm sorry, kid.You shoulda booked ahead.

Come to think of it,you shoulda booked

the rest of the bodyas well.

What the hellwas that?

Brave men struggle in a makeshift operating room,

while the dogs of war bark at their very door.

Heads up, everybody.

Yankee Doodle
Doctor's coming.

Lucky!

Nurse, is the patientprepared for surgery?

Yes, doctor.

Well, I'm certainlyglad one of us is.

Tell me something.Did you take his pulse?

Yes, Doctor.

I told you totake his wallet.

First things first.

--Let me have a scalpel.

Don't get undressed.Just give me a scalpel.

That's not a scalpel.

Well, that's nota scalpel.

Now, that's whatI call a scalpel.

If this hurts, you'll bethe first one to know.

Doctor, what about
the anesthesia?

No, thank you, I preferto be awake through this.

Give him someanesthesia.

Try not to laugh.You're unconscious.

You'll be a better manfor this, my friend.

Who can spare a tree?

Well, that's enoughof that.

I think it's timeto do some sewing.

-Sew what?
-That's what I say.

Incision closed.
Stitches in place.

You're finished, Doctor.

Yes, but who are youto remind me?

Tell me, nurse,would you like to hop

into the oxygen tent fora little heavy breathing?

Uh-oh, wait a minute.

Anything wrong, Doctor?

I think I just foundmy wristwatch.

Either that, or he's givingbirth to an alarm clock.

How dare you say thatin front of a lady?

Good night, folks.

Narrator: And there are those rare moments,

when these saints
in surgical garb

may relax with simple, wholesome pleasures.

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen,
I give you the war.

Ugh!

All:
Ugh!

Blech! Blech!

Three hours ago this manwas in a battle.

Two hours agowe operated on him.

He's got a 50-50 chance.

We win some,
we lose some.

That's what
it's all about.

No promises.

No guaranteed survival.No saints in surgical garb.

Our willingness,
our experience,

our technique
are not enough.

Guns, and bombs,and anti-personnel mines

have more power
to take life

than we have
to preserve it.

Not a very happy endingfor a movie.

But then no war
is a movie.

General,
I'm very sorry.

I don't know how
this happened.

It's absolutelyscandalous, General.

-Frank, Frank...-Please don't worry, sir.

We can do
the whole thing over.

There's no need
for that, Henry.
It's not all bad.

Sir?

Save that first bit,my introduction, all of it.

-Yes, sir.-And that last piece we sawwith Captain Pierce talking.

-Yes.
-Burn everything
in between.

-Yes, sir.-But save one print for me.

We gotta have
something to laugh at

when this whole thing
is over.

Shall we, my dear?

I'd be happy to.

I think she wantedmy autograph.

You can't even talk.

-I can write.
-Ah, gosh.

You were very good
today, Doctor.

Oh, well, another day,
another duodenum.

You didn't happen to catchmy work in there, did you?

Oh, yes.

But he's the
Yankee Doodle Doctor.

It's a privilege
to assist him.

Any time, love.

In fact, maybe
even later today.

You know, kids,I've been thinkingabout my next picture.

I'd like to try somethinglight next time.

Maybe something romantic.

Why don't they ever makepictures like that anymore?

You know, two brothers.One's a Yankee.

And the other's
a South Korean.

They don't look anything alike,and I play both parts.

I'll tell you about it.

I bet if I played itwith a big black hat,

I'd look like Lincoln.