Original subtitles

Hello.

I'm Brigadier GeneralCrandall Clayton.

As one of thousands of,uh, brave Americans

fighting in this scrap here in Korea,

I have the honor to commanda group of courageous,

hard-working medical men,surgeons in uniform

using their skill to repairthe damage of war.

The film you're about to see

is a true case of their service in a great cause.

I'm sure it'll be as inspirational to you

as it was to me, their leader.

All right, cut. Save the lights.

Beautiful.General, Lovely.

You're giving this littledocumentary real class.

Well, good, Lieutenant.

I want to cooperate inany way I can.

I appreciate that, sir.

Oh, uh, I even broughtthat list you wanted.

Now look, these are MASH unitsunder my command.

I think I knowjust the outfit you need--

The 4077th.Very high fitness record.

Commanded bya dear friend of mine

Lieutenant ColonelHenry Blake.

He heads upthe best surgical team

in the whole damn war.Real soldiers.

-You dance beautifully.-Thank you. So do you.

You're gonna be in townfor the whole convention?

Turn that thing off, will ya?

Just keep shaving, Frank.

Hey, you're a terrific dipper.

Oh, yeah.

After 18 hours in an operating room,

where do you find the energy?

Can't help it, Frank.We're the crazy generation.

Who's been using my razor?

I cannot tell a lie. It was I.

I told you before to leave my stuff alone!

Oh, Frank, he only used itto shave his legs.

Oh, you guys.

-Oh. -He's so fresh.

Ten-hut.

Hiya, Henry.

Hiya, Henry.

At ease, men.

Uh, this isLieutenant Bricker.

Lieutenant Bricker,this is Major Burns.

Hi. How are ya?

-Captain McIntyre.-Nice to see ya.

-How are ya?-And, uh, Captain Pierce.

-How you been? -How are ya? Nice to see you.

Welcome aboard, Lieutenant.

Uh, surgeon?

Well, I hope so.

We don't need a gynecologist.

No, Lieutenant Brickeris with Special Services.

He's a movie director.

Well, welcome anyway.

Thank you.

Um, officers and doctors?

That's what it sayson my box of leeches.

The lieutenant's on,uh, special assignment.

He's making a documentaryon MASH units.

And, uh, General Claytonsaid he couldn't make

a better choice thanthe old 4077th, huh?

Was he sober when he said it?

I wanna tell your story, focusing on one doctor

but, um, showing all of you, of course.

Now, any of you done any acting?

You dirty rat!

You come in here and you ask if we've ever--

You dirty rat, if we've ever done any acting?

Why, you dirty--That's not too bad, is it?

I never saw Carmen Mirandadone any better.

Now, cut that out.

I've had a little experience, lieutenant.

Uh, amateur production in college.

I played Romeo.

And Juliet.

Well, that's, uh--that's interesting, Major.

Thank you.

As a matter of fact,

I did dramatics in high school, too.

For a while there, it was a toss-up

whether I'd be a doctoror an actor.

What finally happened?

Shut him up.

Well, Frank is a fine surgeonand a first-rate officer.

But he's nothing in a tight sweater.

How'd you like to have a shot at this, captain?

Who, me?No, I'm sorry.

I'm under contractto North Korea...

as a spy.

Sense of humor, huh?

Moves well. Good skin tone.

Yeah, but I promised FredI'd never dance withanybody but him.

It's for the old 4077th, Pierce.

Could be laughs.

Aw, come on!

Well, if you don't do it,he's gonna give it to Frank.

Okay, that does it! You got me, Bricker.

Fine. We'll start right away.

Gee, I was standing around,minding my own business,

and all of a sudden-- Poof!A star is born!

Attention, all personnel.

Attention, all personnel.

Casualties in the compound.

All personnel report on the double.

Start this guyon whole blood, stat.

-Yes, sir.-Now, hold it, hold it.

Now, now, cut.

I want a shot of youconferring with another doctor.

You know what I mean?Talking it over,making a decision.

Hey, fella?Could you smile a little bit,

like you got confidence in the doctor?

Get this guy insideand prep him.

We promised MacArthurwe'd get the war on schedule.

-All right, all right,I got it.-All right, gimme a clamp.

Come on, give me a clamp.

Another clamp.Will you move? Come on!

That's great, fellas. Great.Keep on. Keep going.

-How you doing? How you doing?-All right, I got it.

We need a little more--A little more action.

You know?Something dramatic. Huh?

Hey, Trapper, lift his appendix.

-What?-I think they need a close-up.

In fact, while you're at it,why don't you lift his gallbladder?

Maybe you can sing to his appendix.

-Will you get out of here with that thing! -Move!

And the secret of makingit better is in the hands

of fine corpsmensuch as you,

Corporal Radar O'Reillyof Ottumwa, lowa.

-Now, cut. -Well, what was wrong with that one?

Uh, you always wear those glasses?

Since I was two.

They're reflecting the lights.

Oh, isn't thatinteresting, sir?

The glasses werereflecting the lights.

-Can you see without them?-See what?

Never mind. Keep them on.

But keep your head down so we don't get any reflection.

But look up at the Colonel.

But keep your head down.

Look up at the Colonel.

Keep your head down.

Look up at the Colonel.

What do we have here?His-and-her majors?

Not interrupting, are we?

No.

Uh, the major was helping me

with the narrationfor the documentary.

Uh, Brickerasked me to do it.

He's a fantastic performer.

Really? And can he act, too?

-Give us a taste, Frank.-Yeah, oh, come on.

Go ahead, Frank. Show them.

Skip that part.

"A group of brave menare at work

"in a makeshiftoperating room,

"struggling to saveyour sons and brothers,

"while, outside,the dogs of war

"bark at the doorof this sanctuary..."

Down, boy!Down, down!

Roll over.

"These are the saintsin surgical garb."

"Dedicated surgeons,all volunteers."

"Every red-blooded Americanknows, if he is wounded,

"he will be in the strong,capable hands

"of a YankeeDoodle Doctor."

A Yankee Doodle Doctor?

♪ Stuck a featherin his nurse ♪

Both:♪ And called her macaroni

You didn't like it?

Didn't like it?

Let me count the ways.

That's hardlya constructive criticism.

Oh, you wanta constructive criticism.

You're right.

How about "You stink"?

And so does thislittle movie show andLieutenant Bricker.

Stinks?

Oh, you, you--

Who are you callinga "you-you"?

Come on, Frank.We'll rehearse in my tent.

Take it easy, kids.

Save a little somethingfor the show.

Did you hear that garbage?

-It's nothing but a bunch of lies. -I know.

They're making a fairy-tale documentary.

-"All volunteers." -Yeah...

When they came to get me I was hiding under the front porch,

trying to puncture my eardrum with an ice pick.

All right, look,we've been had.

The picture's finished,and that's that.

What?

I don't think it's quite finished enough,

if you get my drift.

Hawkeye: First, we get a hold of Radar.

Do you mind if I sit here?

Uh, sir?

-Do you have a minute? -For what?

Oh, well, I was wonderingif you have any tips

for anyone who wantedto get into the movies.

Uh, another time, maybe, huh?

Oh, well, how did you get started?

Me?

Hey.Give me a light over here.

That's it.

Screwdriver.

Wrench.

Ow.

You make a lousy nurse.

Yeah, but it's been tough for me,

because I won't sell out.

I mean, I'm a funny kind of guy.

Oh, are you?

Integrity means more to me than anything.

The right to do what I think is right.

Spotlight, please.

Moves kinda slow inthe beginning, doesn't it?

Well, maybe it gets betteras you go along.

Oh, that's my bad side.

It looked good to me.

Oh, well-- Oh, oh, you weregood in that place.

Isn't that good?

Moves better here.

Should we havea double feature?

Where was I?

You just marriedyour high-school teacher.

Wonderful woman.

Helped me a lot with my career.

Wonder if she's still alive?

Is that it?

Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-- that's all, folks!

-Ruined!-It's been exposed to light.

Every reel.

-All of it? -All of it.

Well, I mean, naturallyI'm worried about all of it.

But, uh... my stuff, too?

Well, I mean, I...

Your call forGeneral Clayton, sir.

Did I call General Clayton?

I called him.

This is my office, Lieutenant.

General Clayton, Henry Blake.

Oh, everything's fine, sir.

Well, uh, not actually fine.

Um, actually, terrible rather than fine.

But everything was really fine before it got terrible.

Tell him!

Well you see, sir, Lieutenant Bricker shot

all of his movie, and then,uh, someone ruined it.

Yes, sir, exposed it.

Well, we don't quite know how.

But it-it was locked up.

And then someone who's very good with his hands

and very good with tools,uh, like a surgeon, got--

I'll call you right back, sir.

Bricker, come on.

Okay, why'd you do it?

-Do what? -Do what you did.

What are we supposedto have done

that makes you ask ifwe've done what we did?

You ruined my film, that's what you did!

Gee, I acted as wellas I could.

Don't get cute. You know what I mean!

You guys openedhis cans!

I haven't opened a can since I was an intern.

Oh, you can double-talk him all you want.

I know you exposed my film.

That's a very seriousaccusation, Lieutenant.

-And very hard to prove. -Yeah.

Now, nobody pulls that schoolboy crud

on Duane William Bricker.

We start reshooting tomorrow, from the top.

Fine, go ahead,but do it without me.

-Aw, come on, Pierce.-I will not workwith that man.

He simply drained me.

I'm not putting my careerin his hands.

Career? Who do you think you are?

The star of"Yankee Doodle Doctor."

-Could I just---No autographs at this time.

Has he left yet?

Save your voice, my darling.

-Hey, let's be sensible.-Not now, Henry.

I'm going to my dressingroom to lie down.

I've met some weirdos in my time,

but these two take the cake.

Yeah, but at least it'shonest weirdoism, Bricker.

Not like that phoneyfootage you shot.

I'm not through here.

Then we'll disregardthe rumor.

Bricker, Bricker.

Uh, listen, we can work things out.

'Course we can.

We'll just do the moviewithout that hotshot.

Well, no, uh,I don't think so.

-Not really. -Huh?

Well, you see, uh,Hawkeye Pierce is, uh,

warts and all, kind ofthe heartbeat of this place.

Maybe we can work outa compromise.

Sergeant.

Get our gear loaded and takethe truck back to Seoul.

I'll take the next chopper back.

Is that your ideaof a compromise?

Colonel, I'm a funny kind of guy.

I never compromise.

I go right to surrender.

Listen.

Do you realize how important that movie

would be back home, to our folks,

to see the kind of job we're doing here?

Gee, I told my folksI was, uh, coming over here

to avoid making house calls.

Listen, crass as it may sound,

I mean, it'd be a prettygood plug for us,

this movie, back home.You know.

Hey, he's right, you know.

I can just hear them backat the hospital after the war.

"There goes Dr. Pierce.

"A fair doctor,but a great profile."

Now, look.

This monkey's gonna hightail it right to General Clayton.

And they're gonna make that movie

at some other MASH outfit.

That's gonna leave us right out in the cold.

-Oh. -Oh...

Hey...

-Uh, Henry? -What?

Can we let Bricker goand keep his camera guy here

and all his equipment?

-I think so.-You still gotBricker's script?

I hope so.

Henry, we can make this movie ourselves.

You can what?

We can make itourselves.

Oh, that's pretty gutsy of you.

Well, "Guts" is my middle name.

Actually, it's "Kinda Disgusting".

I mean, you really think you can do it?

Yeah!

Tomorrow morning we start shooting.

Come on, Henry.What do you say?

Come on, what do you say?Come on--

-Okay, here's to it.-Okay.

Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake

and Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce

proudly present "Yankee Doodle Doctor."

Where do you come offwith top billing?

Oh...

Because of your jewelry?

Okay, get a good shot of this, Sergeant.

I'm getting it.

Move in closer.

Cut it.

This shot isn't in the script, Captain.

Don't worry aboutthe script, Sergeant.

Just handlethe mechanical details.

Yes, sir.

-OK, ready? -Ready to roll.

Action!

How far away should I...

All right, okay.

Wait a minute. Wait a second.Attention, everybody.

Wait a minute, listen...

Now, this scene is whenthe corpsmen unload Radar,

and Trapper and I come outand look him over

before they takehim away, all right?

Right.

All right, you, Sergeant,

put your cameraright about there

and get uscoming out of pre-op.

All right?Get in the truck, Radar.

All right. Okay.

-Are you all right? -I'm acting.

-What? -I'm acting!

Attention, all personnel.

Tonight in the mess tent, at 2100 hours,

the movie that could turn Korea into a new Hollywood:

"Yankee Doodle Doctor", with a cast of several.

A movie that will give you a lump

no surgeon can remove.

Ten-hut!

At ease.

Good to see you, Major.

Been a long time.

Too long, General.

Well, sir, it's justabout almost ready now,

any minute now,pretty soon, sir.

Excuse me, General,

you'll be sittingover here, sir.

And, uh, Major Burns, you'llbe sitting right there.

And Major Houlihan,of course, will be sitting

next to the general.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Quiet!

Now, uh, just a secondbefore we start here,

to welcome our honored guest,Brigadier General Clayton.

Now, um, this film thatwe're all about to see

for the first timeis the general's baby.

And of course we're mighty proud

to be able to deliver it.

Well, then, um, on with the show.

Will you, uh, turn outthe, uh, lights, Radar?

Thank you.

Hello.

I'm Brigadier GeneralCrandall Clayton.

Among the thousands of brave Americans

fighting in this scraphere in Korea,

I have the honor to commanda group of courageous,

hard-working medical men.

-Very good, sir. -Very good, sir,really just so terrific.

-Marvelous. So professional. -Shh.

The film you're aboutto see is a true record

of their service in a great cause.

I'm sure it'll beas inspirational to you

as it is to me, their leader.

Narrator: This is the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital,

somewhere in Korea.

Not a very attractive military post,

mainly because the men of the 4077th have no time

for anything but the vital work they do.

Hey, Radar!

Hey! Beautiful!

Just a little medical school humor, sir.

The men at the 4077th are on 24-hour duty,

always ready to receive those GIs

who need medical help.

Doctor, doctor! Can you give him a hand?

I'd rathergive you one.

Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?

I certainly am.

Radar, you're terrific.

Gosh, I'm glad they brought me here.

Wait a minute.Have you got a reservation?

A reservation?

I'm afraid we're all booked upthrough New Year's.

But, Doctor!

I'm sorry, kid.You shoulda booked ahead.

Come to think of it,you shoulda booked

the rest of the bodyas well.

What the hellwas that?

Brave men struggle in a makeshift operating room,

while the dogs of war bark at their very door.

Heads up, everybody.

Yankee Doodle Doctor's coming.

Lucky!

Nurse, is the patientprepared for surgery?

Yes, doctor.

Well, I'm certainlyglad one of us is.

Tell me something.Did you take his pulse?

Yes, Doctor.

I told you totake his wallet.

First things first.

--Let me have a scalpel.

Don't get undressed.Just give me a scalpel.

That's not a scalpel.

Well, that's nota scalpel.

Now, that's whatI call a scalpel.

If this hurts, you'll bethe first one to know.

Doctor, what about the anesthesia?

No, thank you, I preferto be awake through this.

Give him someanesthesia.

Try not to laugh.You're unconscious.

You'll be a better manfor this, my friend.

Who can spare a tree?

Well, that's enoughof that.

I think it's timeto do some sewing.

-Sew what? -That's what I say.

Incision closed. Stitches in place.

You're finished, Doctor.

Yes, but who are youto remind me?

Tell me, nurse,would you like to hop

into the oxygen tent fora little heavy breathing?

Uh-oh, wait a minute.

Anything wrong, Doctor?

I think I just foundmy wristwatch.

Either that, or he's givingbirth to an alarm clock.

How dare you say thatin front of a lady?

Good night, folks.

Narrator: And there are those rare moments,

when these saints in surgical garb

may relax with simple, wholesome pleasures.

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen, I give you the war.

Ugh!

All: Ugh!

Blech! Blech!

Three hours ago this manwas in a battle.

Two hours agowe operated on him.

He's got a 50-50 chance.

We win some, we lose some.

That's what it's all about.

No promises.

No guaranteed survival.No saints in surgical garb.

Our willingness, our experience,

our technique are not enough.

Guns, and bombs,and anti-personnel mines

have more power to take life

than we have to preserve it.

Not a very happy endingfor a movie.

But then no war is a movie.

General, I'm very sorry.

I don't know how this happened.

It's absolutelyscandalous, General.

-Frank, Frank...-Please don't worry, sir.

We can do the whole thing over.

There's no need for that, Henry. It's not all bad.

Sir?

Save that first bit,my introduction, all of it.

-Yes, sir.-And that last piece we sawwith Captain Pierce talking.

-Yes. -Burn everything in between.

-Yes, sir.-But save one print for me.

We gotta have something to laugh at

when this whole thing is over.

Shall we, my dear?

I'd be happy to.

I think she wantedmy autograph.

You can't even talk.

-I can write. -Ah, gosh.

You were very good today, Doctor.

Oh, well, another day, another duodenum.

You didn't happen to catchmy work in there, did you?

Oh, yes.

But he's the Yankee Doodle Doctor.

It's a privilege to assist him.

Any time, love.

In fact, maybe even later today.

You know, kids,I've been thinkingabout my next picture.

I'd like to try somethinglight next time.

Maybe something romantic.

Why don't they ever makepictures like that anymore?

You know, two brothers.One's a Yankee.

And the other's a South Korean.

They don't look anything alike,and I play both parts.

I'll tell you about it.

I bet if I played itwith a big black hat,

I'd look like Lincoln.