Original subtitles

MAN ON P.A.: Attention, all personnel!

All shifts report to Operating Room.

All shifts, on the double.

Attention, all personnel.

All shifts report to Operating Room.

All shifts, on the double.

Come on, take a card.

All right, come on,make a play will ya?

Now, hold your colon, Doc. Oh, let's see.

You were, uh, saving queens and throwing spades, right?

Gin!

That's 470,000 you owe me.

Will you take a check?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, doctors. I wasn't looking.

I'm doing enough looking for us both.

Hey, you wanna try that again?

Two out of three falls?

I, uh, don't believewe've met.

What are you doing after the war?

Hey, wait a minute!

Okay, there it is.

Yeah.

Is he out?

The switch is off.Any time you're ready.

-Right, nurse? -Yes, Doctor?

That's "Yes, Doctor, darling."

Yes, Doctor, darling.

Stand by with a clamp.

Ugly John, give mea reading on his pulse?

68 and steady.

Okay. Scalpel.Hey, I like that.

Very good slap in there.Good.

All right,let me have the, uh--

-Scissors. -Terrific.

-Sponge. -Sponge.

-Pick-ups. -Pick-ups.

-Kiss. -What?

Surprise me.

Make a note of that. I want him put on report.

Disrespectful behavior.

She's a new one.I'll take care of her.

Ah, we workvery well together.

Why don't we get a fewcasualties of our own

and we can go into businessfor ourselves?

So did you have to immobilize the duodenum?

Yeah, I thoughtthere might be

a retroperitonealperforation.

There was a large hematoma in the area.

-Yeah.-Do you two wanna be alone?

Yeah, but not necessarily with each other.

-No, really, I can move.-I'll say you can.

Pay no mindto my friend here.

He majored in crudenessat med school.

Med school?Listen, before I was drafted,

I was a transmission mechanic.

If you're free later this afternoon,

I'll be glad to put you up on my lift.

Nurse Cutler, report to my office!

-CUTLER: Now? -Now.

Yes, sir.I mean, yes, ma'am.

Dismissed.

Well, at least she didn't have any trouble

figuring out your sex.

My sex is noneof your business.

Just say the word.

You stay awayfrom my nurses!

They're off limits to you.That's an order!

I think she's trying to tell us something.

You can forgetabout Nurse Cutler.

-I'll see to that.-That's your basic Hot Lips.

I knew a girl like her back in my hometown.

Her name was Rover.

Well, look, pal,I don't know about you,

but twelve straight hoursof surgery has me whipped.

I'm gonna sack outfor a few weeks.

My very thought.

I'm so tired, my eyes keep slamming shut.

I'm going to checkon some X-rays first,

then I'll see youback at the swamp?

Gotcha.

For me?

Only if you'll put those on.

That was a pretty short nap, wasn't it?

I thought you were going to bed for a week.

I was, but I didn'tsay where, did I?

What about you?

This is strictly business. I'm making a house call.

It must be obvious

even to a moral defective like yourself

that we're both zeroed in on the same girl.

-Right? -Right.

Only I have a solution.

Ahem. We'll share her.

One girl, two straws.

You take the day watch,and I'll take the night.

Unpacking? Let us help.

We're awfully gladyou picked our unit.

We're not as largeas some of the others,

-but we are friendly. -Very friendly.

Actually, we never meta nurse we didn't like.

-Doctors, I---Look, why don't we givethis to the bell boy,

and let us just go down to the river

and watch the submarine races?

I have a better idea.

Why don't yougo down to the river

and watch us wavegood-bye to you.

I am not unpacking.

-I'm packing. -All mixed up.

Doesn't know whether she's coming or going.

Darling, packingis for leaving.

To stay, you have to "un".

I've been transferred to another unit.

-Transferred? -Major Houlihan says

I'm a bit of a distraction.

What a rotten thing to say!

Yeah, you're anincredible distraction.

We're not giving you up.

You're the best thingto hit this place

since dry socks.

Well, what can I do about it?

You put yourself in our hands.

Actually, these goon your legs...

would 'twerethat I were they.

-Thank you, Radar. -Sign these, sir.

-What are these? -Papers.

-Blank papers? -Yes, sir.

-Is that a good idea? -It's to cut down on your workload.

You sign them now, later, you don't have to bother.

But should I have reallysigned blank papers?

I can't answer that, sir.

You're the one that signed them. I didn't.

-Hold on, Radar.

I'm not going to sign blank pieces of paper.

4077 MASH.

I don't even know what I'm signing when they're not blank.

Oh, hi. Uh-huh.

Papers, double-talk. Sign this, sign that.

Pretty good.Well, it's a little roughbut we're not complaining.

Could be signing it for the next four years.

Yeah, he's here.It's for you.

Blank paper! Well, who is it?

-It's General Barker.-Who? General-- Yes, sir!

Oh, fine, General.

A little rough, but, uh,we're not complaining.

Yes, sir. A what?

A boxing tournament?

Well, sir, the main sportin this outfit

is avoiding calisthenics.

No, sir. Yes, sir,I'll do my best.

Uh, will that be all, General?

-Say good-bye for me. -Hmm?

Say good-bye for me?

Oh, uh, Radar saysto say, uh--

Uh, good-bye, General.

I have enough to do.

Well, well, Dr. Jekylland Dr. Jekyll.

Henry, we gotta ask you something.

-Answer's no.-Don't you wanna knowwhat it is?

Whatever it is, even ifthe answer's yes, it's no.

Hot Lips has transferred Lt. Margie Cutler,

one of our most dedicated and best-built nurses.

Now, hold it right there.

Major Houlihanis in complete chargeof the nursing staff,

and I can't interfere.

The young lady happens to be a sensational surgical assistant.

-She's got two of the best...-I'm sure.

hands I've ever seen. Don't let her go, Henry.

Real talent in the operating room is hard to find.

I know.

If you say no,we'll tell everybody thatyour brother's in jail.

My brother is a warden!

We won't say that part.

Now lay off!

Haven't I got enough staticwith General Barker on my back?

-What's he want?-Yeah, maybe we can help.

No, you can't help.

I mean, there's nothing that you could contribute

to this particular problem.

-Ah! I detect a gleam. -I heard a loud click.

Yeah, one could almost see the light bulb over his head.

Come on, speak, Henry. Speak. What is it?

Yeah?

Okay.

General Barker is all hot

about this inter-unit boxing tournament.

-Yeah? -And he wants us to put up a boxer.

Now, that's funny.

Maybe we could make oneout of spare parts.

He's serious, and he's giving me a bad time about it.

Yeah, so why don't you getwhoever fought last year?

I can't. She's gone.

Anyway, Barker'sgot this boy,

thinks he can winthe championship.

-Yeah. -So?

So, he's bringing him herefor his first fight.

Mm-hmm.

Now, if, uh,one of you two guys

would say, uh,go three rounds with him,

I'll see what I can do

about gettingNurse Cutler back for ya.

-See ya around, Henry. -Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah, oh, I think we'll just find something

nice and easy to do, like shagging shells.

Ah, just a thought.

Some war.

Bye, doctors.

Thanks a lot, Hot Lips.

-Hey, do that again. -What?

-Smack your fist. -You mean that?

It hurts my ears.What a punch!

-Save it. -Save what?

Don't hustle me, 'cause I'm not fightin' anybody.

Oh, that's a shame.I bet you're a natural.

I fought in school. As a matter of fact, I was very good.

-There, I knew it! -But I'm not in shape!

Who says you're notin shape?

You got a cute body.

I've seen guys sneaking peeksat you at calisthenics.

Which guys are sneakin' peeks at me?

I'd rather not say.Some of them are married.

Look, stop snowing me.

-You fight him. -I'd love to.

I was on the boxing teamin college, too.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah, but I, uh,

I threw my-- I threwmy shoulder out.

It never came back.

Actually, I'm in pain most of the time.

I don't like to burden my friends.

Look, do we wanna get Nurse Cutler back or not?

-Yes. -All right, okay.

You really got a bad shoulder?

The result of being spineless.

So wait a minute,I don't know about this, doc.

What do you mean?

Well I mean, he's got a manager and everything.

-I don't have... -Ah, come on, Radar!

It's just a little sparring.Nobody's gonna get hurt.

No, I'm not gonna do it. Not for a lousy five bucks.

-How about ten? -Pay up now?

All right, come on, now look,

this is just a practice fight.

I want you to get loose.

Just keep dancing around.

Keep your left up!

Jab, jab, jab, Trap! Jab!

He's just loosening up now.

You know, he's gotta get in shape.

Takes a while, you know, to...

get back in shape, get your old stuff back.

He's gotta get his wind back and everything.

I'll write his wife.

Don't listen to him. Just keep moving.

Keep hanging in there.

Keep your left up. Up! Up with the left.

Move, Trapper. Oh, hi, Father.

I trained a number of boys to box back home.

Any advice for Trapper?

Prayer.

I don't think he's got one.

Thanks a lot, Father.

Once again? Double or nothing?

A glass stomach?

Let's go!Kick those legs up!

Breathe deeply!Come on, move it!

I'm tired, Hawkeye. How far have I run?

-30 feet. -That'll do it.

I'm going to punch him,not run him to death.

HAWKEYE:Now put more shoulder into it.Use your whole body.

Try it again, try it again.

Oh, morning, Major.

Good morning, Captain.

I'm afraid I can't ask you to stay.

My boy's in training,

and he's not even supposedto look at a woman

till after the fight.

Oh. Oh, I understand.

Just a minute. Isn't that Frank's bag?

I thought you were Frank's bag.

Ugh!

How's it going?

We decided to havea victory drink now,

just in case there'sno need to later.

Care to join us?

Oh, yeah.

Anything wrong?

Uh, General Barker justpulled in with his fighter.

-Looks real big. -How big?

If he wanted to, he could be a platoon.

Looks kinda mean, too.

Mean?

What does "mean" mean? Mean means nothing.

It's skill that counts.

Big and mean have nothingto do with fighting ability.

A guy told me that he was crossing the road,

and this jeep came too close to him.

He punched it.

He punched a jeep?

He knocked it out.

Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps!

Showboat. Come on.

I'll tell you one thing, you're not getting into the ring with that guy

until I hear him speak.

This fighthas just been calledon account of chicken.

We are not going to throw in the towel.

I'm ready to throw ina whole laundry truck.

This ape will never lay a glove on you.

Trust me.

You won't even have to touch him.

I'll go down duringthe instructions.

A little obvious.

I got a better idea. Come on.

I don't think I wanna risk my life

on a dumb trick like this.

I know what I'm doing.

I pulled this same stunt in university.

Use more. Use a lot.

I still say we should use a horseshoe.

A horseshoe is gauche.Ether is subtle.

Then let's dip the horseshoe in ether.

Right.

Now, the thing you gotta do,Trapper, is you gotta jab.

Right? Keep jabbing.

Jab, jab, jabbing. Right?

Six, seven whiffs, he'll be out cold.

-Great. -Right?

And the thing to remember

is not to get it near your own hooter, right?

Don't get it nearyour own nose or you're dead.

Get him in a clinch, right?

That's it. That's it.Get him in a clinch.

-And just hold it there.-Hold it right in his nose.

Get him in a clinchso he can't move.

-How is the guy gonna---He's gonna inhale it.

He'll never knowwhat hit him.

Just keep it right thereat his nose.

Keep him in the clinch,so he can't move.

And all he can do then is...

Way to go, champ!

HENRY: Third round, Sugar Ray breaks the man's face.

HAWKEYE:You're kidding.

He broke his nose, broke his jaw, antrums,

ethmoid, sinuses, the guy's a mess.

Gentlemen, may I join you?

Please, Frank,not while we're eating.

-What kidders. -Well, what happened?

-The guy never went down.-He never went down?

Ten-hut!

BARKER: As you were.

McIntyre, I don't believe you've met Sergeant Flacker.

Easy.

Me, doctor.

Need hands...

operate.

Hey, Henry, can we rustle up some steaks

-for the sergeant, huh?-Oh, yes, sir.

Good. Come on. Come on, boy.

You better hurry up, Henry.

He looked at your armlike it was an hors d'oeuvre.

Yeah, Dittsbury, you wanna go out and get Flacker a cow?

Listen, are you sure thatNurse Cutler's worth it?

I mean, I really don't want you to get hurt.

Hurt?

What would you say, Henry, if I told you

that Trapper isgonna win that fight?

All right, okay.Down, Henry, down.

I'm sorry!

But you mean Trapper beat that gorilla?

That's ether.

A little louder, Frank. The cook didn't hear you.

Well, it's not very ethical.

It's not even moral, but we're in a war zone.

Yeah, well, I--I don't wanna know about it.

I mean, I love it, but I don't wanna know about it.

Where is it? You sure you've got it?

It's in the bucket.

I'll put it on rightafter the introductions.

Just make sure you use enough.

I don't want this guy wakin' up

until after I've been a civilian a few years.

Did you get it?

Nothing but pure distilled water.

Say, you wouldn't be averseto laying a small bet

on the outcome,would ya, Henry?

-No, sir. -What do ya say to a hundred?

-Dollars? -Yes.

-You got it. -Good!

Good evening, and welcome

to the inter-camp boxing tournament.

Introducing the contestants.

In this corner,

representing the 3099th Mobile Army Hospital,

weighing 260 pounds,

with a record of 97 wins, no losses,

and three arrests, Sergeant "Killer" Flacker!

BARKER:Hooray!

And in this corner,

representing the fighting 4077th,

weighing 175 pounds,

all of it heart,

Kid Doctor!

All right, fellas, I want a good, clean fight.

TRAPPER: Who doesn't?

MULCAHY:No low blows, no holding,

no rabbit punches, no kidney punches.

Sounds like a dull evening.

Go back to your corners,

and when you hear the bell,come out fighting.

And may the best man win.

You be carefulyou don't breathe inany of this stuff yourself.

Keep the glove away.

HAWKEYE: Get up in his face!

Get up in his face!

Put the glove in his face!

Put it in his face, for God's sake!

Put the glove in his face!

Put it in his face!

That's a pretty unorthodox styleyour boy has there.

Well, he's still on his feet, isn't he?

Maybe you'd liketo double that bet?

-If you insist, General.-Good.

HAWKEYE: Put the glove in his face!

Put him in-- Put him in a clinch!

Put him in a clinch and--

Put it up in there!

What's he doing? What's he doing? Get it in his face!

Get it up in his face! Get it up in his face!

Stick it in his face! What's a matter with you?

-Give it some-- -Come on!

WOMAN:Get up! Get up!

HAWKEYE: Get up, Trap!

-Trap, get up! Come on!-One, two, three!

Hello, Hawkeye. What are you doing at the prom?

We've been had!Somebody switchedbottles on us.

You stall him.I'll be right back.

-MULCAHY: Eight! -No, you stall him.

-I'll be right back. -Go!

Oh, no!

-MULCAHY: One! Two! -Get up! Get up!

Get up, Trap! Trap, get up! Come on!

-Three! Four!-Get up! Get up! Get up!Pull yourself up!

-Five! -Get up!

You're okay, you're okay.You're okay.

-Where am I? -You're right here in the ring.

Now for the big question. Who am I?

Everything isgonna be all right.

Don't waste any time.

Get him in a clinchand stick thisright in his face.

-Whose face?

-WOMAN: Come on, come one!-MAN: Let's fight!

HAWKEYE: Get him in a clinch!

That's it! Hug him!

Get him in a cl-- that's it!

Stick it in his face! Get it--

That's it! That's it!

-That's good!

Ha ha! That's--

-Aah!

One, two, three,

-four, five, -Aah!

six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

We did it!

-How does it feel? -Hard to see through.

Yeah, well I couldn'tget a prescription steak.

-You wanna martini? -My very thought.

Oh, here's somethingfor both eyes.

Gentlemen, well,

you lived up to your part of the deal,

and I have lived up to mine.

Keep moving or you're dead.

It's true. You fought for me.

That's right.

I must say, I'm impressed.

-Well, I should hope so.-Hey, I managed him, you know.

Does it hurt?

Not a lot. No. I laid out his training and everything.

You think it's easyplanning strategy

and everything,and standing in the corner

wondering ifhe'll ever come home?

I would-- I wouldhave fought myself,

but I, uh, I had thisshoulder injury in college,

and it never got better

I, uh...

I try not to burden my friends with it,

uh, actually.

TRAPPER: Here, put this on your shoulder.

It'll help.