Original subtitles

♪ Crochet your titties

You know, we gota big man here.

This guy'sa two-star general.

Eh, take away their skivviesand they all look like PFCs.

Phew.

I knew a brigadier who once had a star tattooed on his chest

in case he bumped into anybody in the shower.

Uh, tell me, Doctor, what was a general

doing on the front lines anyway?

Oh, this one?Uh, he's a fightinggeneral, you know?

In that case, the least we can do is save him.

Mmm, if you insist.

-Hey. -What?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, boy, very shocky.

Push the plasma.

Gimme 100 m-milligrams of hydrocortisone

to give IV.

It's empty, Doctor.

What do you mean empty? Get another one.

It's the last one.

What are youtalkin' about?

All right, keep pushing the plasma.

Get me, uh-- gimme some O-negative blood on the double.

Hurry up.

All right, okay, he's outof danger for the time being.

Get Spearchucker to finish him up.

But don't tell him a mere captain saved his life.

He might not pay his bill. Come on.

Yeah, whoever screwed upon those orders,

heh heh,somebody's gonna get it.

Yeah, you wanna know where?

TRAPPER JOHN:He should be hung upby his thumbs.

HAWKEYE:No, I'm old fashioned.

I'm all for slipping hima pint of castor oil

and locking himin a closet.

Just who are you talking about?

Whoever it is that orderedthe supplies last month.

It just so happens I signed that requisition, McIntyre.

Well, you almostlost us a man

'cause this was empty.

Well-Well, that's not my fault.

You can't blame me.

I certainly had hydrocortisone on my list somewhere.

Here-Here-- Here it is.

I heard that.

You have no rightto blame Major Houlihan.

That hydrocortisoneand half our other supplies

was hijacked before they ever left Seoul.

It's those vicious black marketeers.

Yeah? So where are the MPs?

Yeah, they're supposedto do something

besides direct traffic

and rinse theirgloves at night.

The army is awareof its responsibilities.

It so happens a truck just pulled up outside

with our replacement supplies.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Well, Frank's gottastop every five minutes

and do a commercial fora friendly American war.

They're insufferable.

Last nightI had a dream.

They both broke their jaws

and had to havetheir mouths wired shut.

Sorry I'm late, but I got stopped by an MP roadblock.

They're checkin' everybody.

The area is crawlingwith hijackers.

Whoops.

I'll bet you don't know

what kind of wood this is.

-It's oak. -Nope.

It's oak.

Just look at it.

It's 100 years old if it's a day.

Well, this is what a man needs,

far from the security of home:

roots, solidity, strength.

Henry.

Don't do that.

Henry, we're in big trouble.

Well, I'm sorryabout that.

Hey, how do youlike my new desk?

Your new desk?

We just lost 200 vials of hydrocortisone.

Well, what do you want from me?

We want you to callGeneral Hammond down in Seoul

right away, demand some action.

I couldn't do that.

TRAPPER JOHN: Henry, we have got to have that stuff.

Gimme the Fourth Convalescent in Seoul.

I want to talk to General Hammond.

It's-- if he's not there,

try him at the officers' mess. It's urgent.

I'm well aware of that.

I mean, I am a doctor,too, you know.

Henry, that's your high school diploma.

Well-Well, don't yourecognize my voice yet,

you knucklehead?

This is Colonel Blake.

Hmm.

Off the desk.

Yeah, hello, hello.

Okay, uh-uh, Colonel Blake?

-Hmm? -Uh, General Hammond.

Well, now there's a coincidence for ya,

him calling me right now.

Hello, General.

What do you want?

Well, you called me, sir.

I called you, huh?

Didn't I tell you to stay away from that homemade stuff?

-Black market. -Off the desk.

Oh, no, sir, I'm sorry.

Uh, now, what I wantedto talk to you about

was the black market.

What did you want to say about it?

Well... it's terrible.

No, what I mean is,

they just knocked off our supplies again.

And could you possibly send us another batch of hydrocortisone?

Now listen, Henry.

I don't give a hoot in hell if you do have somebody

that can bring us Bob Hope for Christmas.

The 4077th got their allotment for the month.

-Now that's all you get.-But, General...

I'm a busy man, Henry.

I've got an important meeting this afternoon

with MacArthur.

-Oh, yes, sir.-

Goodbye, sir.

I tried.

That was trying, huh?

Well, we can'tbother the general withthis sort of thing.

He, uh, has a meeting thisafternoon with MacArthur.

Well, we gotta dosomething and be brilliant.

Listen, if we can't figure out a way

to out-black-market the black market,

then we don't deserve the illustrious reputation

we've tried so hard to achieve.

HAWKEYE: Any luck?

Top pocket.

Charlie Lee?

He's your man.

He's the biggest operator in Seoul.

He has an office behind a bar

that's owned by Madam Koo.

Mm. I signed out a jeep for you.

It's outside.

Make sure nobody steals it down there, huh?

Thanks, Radar.

I'll be back laterto pump out your stomach.

Hey, listen, we gotta hiresomebody to watch the jeep.

I mean, with allthis black-market action,

uh, you know, they're like piranhas.

You got a good thought there.

But you didn't get it fast enough.

TRAPPER JOHN: They musthave worked a pit stop.

I hope they choke on the tires.

-Mr. Lee? -To you, Charlie.

I'm Hawkeye Pierce. This is Trapper McIntyre.

And a terrificsurgeon, too.

-Oh, he's checked us out.-Yeah.

You guysgot the best rep

in Southeast Asiatheater of operations.

Uh, listen, I don't liketo bring it up, but, uh...

--Come on, Charlie. What is it?

Lately, I've been gettinga grab right around here.

-Oh, really?-Oh, a little tightness there?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. -Come here. Come on.

Yeah, lean over the, uh, desk.

-Yeah. -Yeah, okay.

-Right up here? -Right up in here. Yeah, right there.

Ooh, does it run down the arm? Hmm.

Yeah, right.Yeah, right, right.

You know what that is? Tension. Pressures.

Yes, yeah.

How's, uh... How's everything at home?

-Any trouble? -Fine. No, no.

-Business okay? -Yeah, yes.

TRAPPER JOHN:Charlie, you should take,uh, maybe long weekends, huh?

Try some golf.

Yeah, have a little drink before dinner.

-That'll help?-Well, it wouldn't hurt.

-Hey, I love that sweater. -Ooh.

Alpaca.

For Charlie Lee,nothing but the best.

Hey, very nice.

Now, what can I dofor you fellas?

Well, I'll make it short and sweet.

There's been a heist.

Two shipments of medical supplies.

There's a lotof call for that.

Well, we don't mind the other stuff,

but they cleaned us out of hydrocortisone,

and that we need, bad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, we made a dealthis morning.

The stuff goesfor $10,000.

10,000 bucks?

Tell you what.I shouldn't do this.

You meet that offer,

and I'll killthe other deal.

But, Charlie, where are we gonna come up

with thatkind of scratch?

Look, we'll give it to you in trade.

Free hospitalization.

Uh, appendix operations, nose jobs.

In my organization,we already have a health plan,

including retirementbenefits.

I got it.We'll swap you somethin'.

We can get our handson all kinds of equipment.

Oh, yeah, a lotta stuff.

There must be something you want.

Wow.

I bet he gives a year's guarantee

on parts and labor.

This is onlythe showroom.

The real stuffis in the warehouse.

Lookit, fellas, I'd liketo go it along with you,

but I'm a businessman.

If there was just somethingyou had I could use.

You know what, Charlie?There is.

Something there's only one of

in all of Southeast Asia.

A very special item thatwould enhance this office

and give it what itcries out for: prestige.

A man of your importance shouldn't be sitting

behind a puny little pieceof furniture like this.

The moment somebody walks in that door,

they should knowthey're in the presence

of nothing but the best.

You should have something

at least 100 years old.

Something thatrepresents dignity,

roots, solidity.

A genuine Americanantique desk.

Wait till Henry gets a load of those stars.

You'll have to beat him off with a stick.

-Which way to the desk?-In there.

Henry will be the one

with the furniture polishin his hand.

-Sir? -HENRY: Hmm?

-Uh, sir, there's a general to see ya.

Oh, G--

Ahem.

TRAPPER JOHN: General Lee,

our commanding officer, Colonel Blake.

So grand to meet you, Colonel Blake.

We didn't have any luck in Seoul, Henry,

but the general was kind enough to drop us off here.

He's-He's on an inspection tour.

You tell truth.

Well, anything I can doto make you comfortable, sir.

I don't suppose you'd carefor a little refreshment

this early in the day?

Depend on what you have.

In my place, we have nothing but the best.

Oh, General, nothingbut the finest, sir.

Oh, if it's good stuff, I know.

Oh, that's why we can'tbe too careful these days.

Oh, no, no, no, no.You can't be too careful, no.

Well, here we go.

A little hair fromthe dragon, as it were.

General.

-Cheers. -L'chaim.

-You have nice office. -Thank you.

Handsome desk.

Oh, you-you know quality.

You know, if I were to tell you about this desk--

-Tell him, Henry. Tell him.-Yeah, don't leave out a thing.

Well, first of all...

I'll bet you don't knowwhat kind of wood it is.

Oak.

Nope. It's oak.

-LEE: Handmade.-HENRY: And it's handmade.

You know what that means?

Not made in Japanon assembly line, huh?

-Right? -Right.

Uh, tell me, Henry, just out of curiosity,

how did you get a desk that big into this office?

Oh, the top comes off.

-Ah, the top comes off.-The top comes off.

You'll have tomove this vehicle.

This space is reservedfor ambulances.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Colonel.

I'm a major.

Wanna be a colonel? Huh?

What do you meanby that?

Oh-oh, forget it, forget it.

Wanna buy a good watch?

Cheap.

14 carat, Swiss movement.

No, I don't wannabuy any watches.

Okay. Wanna sell one?

Pay top dollar.

You get thisvehicle outta here.

I don't want to see itor you when I come back.

You gave me the straight poop. It's a deal.

The hydrocortisone for the desk.

I'll have the truck in front of this building

at, uh, 0600.

Okay.

-But the desk better be here. -Oh, yeah.

Because if it's not, the truck takes off,

and I sell to my other buyer.

It'll be here.

I don't know how you guys gonna pull this off

without anybody getting wise.

That makes two of us.

Three of us.

They're up to something.

That general's aide.

Now, what kind of a man wearswristwatches on his leg?

I think we shouldtell the colonel.

Ah, they can wrap Henryaround their little fingers.

We've got to go to him with conclusive evidence,

something that will get themcourt-martialed

and behind bars for 20 years.

Oh, Frank,do you think you could?

It's 0500.

Okay, thanks. Get lost.

Hey, come on. We gotta get movin'.

I was just having--

I don't care who you were having.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

These things werereally built to last.

It's that lousy good craftsmanship.

Why didn't they make things like they do today?

Oh!

Margaret.

-Is that you? -Frank?

-I thought I heard a noise.-I was just checking to see--

Funny, isn't it?

What?

Us...

you, me... meeting like this.

Oh, Frank...

May I say you look very lovely,

the way the flashlight catches your hair.

I just washed it.It must look a mess.

No, it-it's beautiful.

Thank you.

Margaret?

Yes?

Thank you.

For what?

For being you.

Do you know what I love most about you?

Tell me.

Your lobes.

They drive me wild.

Oh, be wild, Frank.Be wild.

I'd like to slip into something a little more comfortable.

-Like what, darling? -The supply tent.

The supply tent, yes.Yes, yes, darling.

I thinkI'm gonna be sick.

That may have turned me off permanently.

Well, at least we knowthe colonel's liquor's safe.

We're locked in.

How does a guy who's so bad with a needle

always know right where to jab us?

I don't know.

Radar better have the key to this vault.

Nope.

Well, hurry up.The truck'll be here soon.

All right.

I think we just passed "soon".

What do I do now?

Get your fanny out thereand hold that truck!

What good is holding the truck

when we can't even get the desk outta here?

Don't confuse me.I can only handle

one catastrophe at a time.

It's Radar.

I think we've stumbledon a whole syndicate.

My boss say "If desk notready, cut out fast."

Okay, but my boss say "Please wait."

Come on, buddy. Five minutes.

It isn't gonna cost you anything

to give them a little more--

To give them a little what, Corporal?

I said, to give them a little what?

Uh, some more duck sauce for his egg roll, sir.

The colonel has to be kept happy.

-You're lying, Radar. -Sir?

I happen to know the colonel despises

duck sauce on his egg roll.

Major, you're absolutely right.

The truth is, sir, that this man is not a delivery man.

Actually, sir, he's with the CIA

and he's on a case at this very moment.

Oh, I see.

Oh, it so happenshe looks fantastically

like the man thattried to sell mea watch yesterday.

I'd like to get a goodlook at your legs.

Oh, one of those, huh?

You get this truckoff the base in thenext 60 seconds,

or you'll be showingyour line of watchesto the MPs!

MPs? Uh, yes, sir.

Uh, maybe another time.Got to solve big case.

And you, get back to headquarters.

Yes, sir.

What are you two doing?

Early Mass.

Mass?

W-Where's Father Mulcahy?

We started without him.

Hmm.

Forget it.

The truck's gone.The major ordered him out.

What are we gonna do?

We can't carry this thing all the way to Seoul.

Get O'Brien.

All right, Frank. You got me up,

but you better have a good reason.

Well, the cold factsare, sir, that I believe

there are blackstockings--

marketeers operatingon this base.

I'm not in a positionto name names.

Black marketeers? On my base?

-My booze.

Where's O'Brien?

My desk.

My beautiful100-year-old desk.

What's going on here, Frank?

Pardon me, Henry, uh...isn't that your desk?

Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk.

Sending it out to be waxed?

I don't know what it's doing up there.

It just keeps going up, up, up.

To a far, far betterplace, I'm sure.

200 vials of hydrocortisone.as promised.

We'll make sure that itgets to the right people.

You'll understand if we don't give you a receipt.

Yeah.

Just got a wirefrom the insurance company.

They say they're willing to pay off on my desk

as soon as I can give thema believable explanation.

Hey.

Have you got a relative who's a general?

You know how it is, Colonel.

We all look alike.