Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

♪ [lyrics] I was out of line when I walked all over you

♪ I was under fire when I fell into the blue

♪ Everybody loves you darling, they love who you are

♪ So come a little closer now

♪ So I can tell you just how far you've come

♪ Everyone wants to be your angel

♪ Everybody wants to be your star

♪ I don't know what to say to you

♪ And all the things you do

♪ And the time slips through your hands like quicksand

♪ And I don't know where to start, oh no

♪ You're the angel I live for

♪ And the time slips through your hands like quicksand

♪ Like quicksand

♪ I was out of line when I walked all over you

♪ And we were under fire when you fell into the blue ♪

- [Voiceover] For seven years my client has been

the perfect, ideal wife and in all this time

have you ever been unfaithful

to your husband Mrs. Kemp?

And I would like to remind you,

you are under oath.

- Unfaithful? Absolutely not.

I was raised on a farm.

- Not quite sure what that has to do with anything

but thank you.

So what would you say to your husband's claims

that you are, in his own words,

- "a cheating, spoiled, little brat

"with a sense of entitlement

"and no discernible moral compass."

- Thank you Betty.

So, a cheating brat with a sense of entitlement,

is that an accurate assessment?

- No, he's lying, this is what he does.

He uses his charm, good looks and money

to lure innocent women into marriage

and then when they get a little older

he just, he just trades us in for a newer model.

- He certainly is a stallion.

There's no denying that.

No further questions.

Your Honor, without any proof of infidelity

my client is not in violation of the prenuptial agreement.

- I'll take it under advisement.

- I mean, sullying my client's good name

with baseless claims.

- I understand. We are in recess.

[hammer banging]

[people moaning]

[phone ringing]

- Oh, baby...

- Shush...

Hello?

That quick?

Thanks for your call.

Continue, continue.

- Yeah?

- Yeah. The judge is back.

- The judge is back.

I love it when you talk in those

complex legal terms.

[moaning and panting]

The judge is back, the judge is back!

[screaming]

- So I finally feel like I'm getting into it,

you know, with this one.

And she starts yelling at me, just screaming!

I thought, okay, she's just feeling my girth.

[laughing]

- No, no, I've been waiting for that ouch

since the day we were married, no.

No, he was pressing his elbow into my arm

and it hurt.

- Yeah, my elbow, which she so rudely

has to point out.

- But don't forget, you both agreed

to be very clear about what you like and don't like.

- I don't know what to tell you.

This whole dealing with your problems

through communication, that's not for me.

I'm more of a "let's just ignore things,

"maybe I'll die young of a coronary"

kind of guy.

- You got that right.

- No, no, no, guys. Come on now.

Communication is key.

I tell you what we're gonna do,

we're gonna have a little role-playing.

- Ha, I've tried that, she doesn't like it.

- For this exercise, now Tom, you're gonna

be Nancy and Nancy, you're gonna be Tom.

Okay?

I think maybe Nancy should start.

- [coughs] Okay, I think this marriage --

- Oh no, no, no, no.

I said Nancy, Tom that's you.

- Right.

Hi, I'm Nancy [whines obnoxiously].

- Er, hi, I'm Tom and I like to take

a big bag of chips with me when I go

and take a dump.

- Oh then you're the perfect man for me,

I need a target for my insufferable nagging.

- Hi, I'm Tom, I'm a big dumb fuck.

- Hi, I'm Nancy, whenever I find the time

to take a machete to trim the squirrel's nest

that's growing between my legs I get a rash.

- Oh, hi, I'm Tom and my mommy still buys me PJs

for my birthday,

which I wear! -[Tom] I wear those because

of your skin allergies.

She gets these skin allergies that are so disgusting.

- No, no, no, no, stop!

Okay, look time's up, sorry.

- I don't have a good feeling about this.

- I'd say you're looking at anywhere

between 1.5 and two million plus the house

at Martha's Vineyard.

- No way.

- Care to make a bet?

- Deal.

- Let's shake on it.

Oh hey there, not my hand but I see your point.

[laughing]

- Meow [laughs].

- [Bailiff] All rise.

- Be seated.

Alright, I'll make this quick.

As to the terms of the prenup,

I find that Mrs. Kemp is within her rights

and therefore entitled to her share of the assets.

[clapping and giggling]

I hereby award the plaintiff

the sum of two million dollars,

in addition the title of the vacation house

will be signed over to her.

Court is adjourned [bangs hammer].

- What did she say?

- We lost!

-[Men] Ah yeah!

[rock music]

-[Vince] That a girl!

[coughing]

- Eat me.

- Is that how you're gonna talk to a man

who is currently batting the legal equivalent

of a thousand?

- 27 verdicts in a row.

And not a single settlement, the kid's on fire!

- Yeah, I know, another sacred union is over,

- All the while, I was trying to save one.

- Where's my congratulations?

- Well, did yours end in two million dollars

and a super empty nut bag?

- No, mine ended with the couple trying very hard

to put the work in necessary to sustain

a long term relationship.

And my hourly rate of 50 dollars.

[Mitch snoring]

- 50 dollars an hour, that's funny.

I like the empty nut bag better.

Question: if you had to take that 50 dollars

turn it into singles, which would be cheaper,

wiping your ass with them or buying toilet paper?

- Ew.

- I gotta tell you, Stephanie's an angel,

but if you really want her to move in with you

you should consider raising your rate.

- Vince, this might come as a surprise for you,

but Steph loves me for me,

not for what I make.

- Oh, snap!

- Are you giving much of a choice though?

- Oh yeah, you guys,

toilet paper would be much cheaper.

- Yeah.

- I'm proud of what I do.

- I don't look proud?

I'm proud, I'll be a whole lot prouder

when they make me partner, but I'm proud.

- Boom.

[phone vibrating]

- Ah, shit.

- What's wrong?

One of your girls cancel on you?

At least I don't have that problem.

- [Vince] No, Celeste wants to meet at 10

but I already told Nicole to meet at my house at nine.

- Oh that's the stripper!

- She's not a stripper,

she is a student who occasionally strips

to pay for her tuition.

- Oh well, if she's paying tuition

that's totally different.

- I think I can fit them both in, Kenny,

but I need your help, alright?

- [Kenny] Oh sorry, gotta go.

- What do you mean?

What about "bros before 'hos?"

- I think we stopped saying that in college.

- Dude, what a fucking smoke show.

- They should make her into a soup.

- Wow.

[sexy electric guitar music]

- I'm gonna take a run at this one.

I'll be right back.

- You go get that soup.

Go get that soup.

- Oh, God.

- Mind if I join you?

- Yeah, sure but make it quick,

my boyfriend's in the bathroom

and you don't wanna mess with him.

- I'm sure he's probably devilishly handsome

with a body like an Adonis

and a penis like a can of beans.

- Oh, you know him?

- I'll say I know him.

- That'll never get old.

- Never.

[laughing]

- So how was your day?

- Good, busy.

- Oh, I thought Jane was coming with you?

- Yeah, we're meeting here, I thought

she'd be here by now.

- Well I'm excited to meet her.

- Go easy on her, okay, she's still a little tender

from the divorce, it was so brutal.

And her whole two year eat, pray, love

European excursion didn't really take.

- No?

- No, unless you count eating men,

praying for her ex to die

and the love of seeing grown European dudes cry,

then yeah, yeah, maybe it did.

- Well you're a good friend,

and an even better girlfriend.

- You think so?

- Hm-hmm, sure do.

- If we ever get married and I catch you

with one of our bridesmaids I will take your balls --

- Ooh, here we go.

- Your ballsack, I will take your sack, I will pull it up

over your face -- - Yeah, bring it on.

- and right up over your head

like a big scrotal wedgie yarmulke situation.

[laughing]

- You're really bad at threats.

- The point is I'll hurt your balls.

- Gotcha.

- You got it?

- Pay up, sweetheart, and did I mention where

I want my kiss?

- Well I guess that's up to you.

[laughing]

Or we can up the bet.

Last dart, bullseye or I lose.

- Oh there's no way you're that stupid!

Come on.

Alright, fine, what are we playing for?

- I like your watch.

- Oh, my watch?

- Hm-hmm.

- Alright, but if you lose,

you gotta suck my scrot.

- I wasn't expecting that.

- We have a bet?

- Yep, it's a deal, step aside.

- Alright, here we go.

[disappointed gasp]

- No, no, no! How?!

Come on, give me a little kiss,

just for being a good sport.

Ow!

- It's been a pleasure.

- Oh that was so hot!

-[Vince] That was pretty impressive.

- Excuse me?

- You should try that on a real man some time.

- I'll put that on my to-do list.

- I just want you to know, I had your back over there.

Just in case things got out of control.

- And that's what carried me

through my moment of doubt.

- I bet.

I'm a second degree black belt in ju...kin...do.

Most people don't know about it,

it's some Bruce Lee shit.

- Oh that practically makes us soul mates.

We should just have sex now.

- Couldn't agree more.

Wait, wait, wait.

I have to know your name.

-Do you?

- It would be rude of me not to know the name

of the girl that's going to take me home tonight.

- Hmm...

Tell you what,

see that creepy looking guy over there at the bar?

- [Vince] Snuffleupagus?

- [Jane] Hm-hmm, here's the bet:

I can predict that in the next 10 seconds

he will put his glasses on,

if so, I get your drink and you walk away,

if not, I'll give you my number.

- That is some serious Kreskin shit,

but I like it.

Alright, creepy dude puts his glasses on,

10 seconds, starting now.

One... two...

- Who wants to see my tits?!

- Tits?

Where?

- That was cheap.

- Later, loser.

- That was cheap!

Pretty impressive, but cheap.

- It's the effort that counts, Vince.

- So she's not gonna show her tits?

- Unfortunately, no.

- I wanna see some titties.

- The night is still young my black and white friends,

Celeste is a go, I repeat,

Celeste is a go.

- Hey! - Hi!

- Hey Jane, this is Kenny.

- Hi Kenny, oh, nice to meet you.

- Nice to finally meet you.

- I'm so glad you made it,

I was afraid you'd gotten lost.

- I was just dealing with some drunk asshole

by the dartboard.

Do you wanna watch?

- What? Seriously?

- It's all yours.

- Cool [chuckles].

Check it out.

- Oh, that's not, that's not your style, honey.

- I like it.

[tranquil music]

[door banging]

[glass bottles clinking]

-[Stephanie] Oh my God, did you hear that?

[door banging]

-[Kenny] Morning!

- Good morning, you're not ready.

- [Kenny] Yeah, I'm ready, in fact I'll go get ready.

- Oh my God, what happened last night?

Did you guys go out after I dropped you off?

- I didn't... some guys actually stopped by after,

that's all.

- Uh-huh, okay, well we're running late.

Did you not get my text about going running?

- Running? Yes.

Yeah, I did, I'm ready.

- Uh-huh.

- Look, I just... okay.

- Oh, we're doing this now.

Jane, you remember my boyfriend and his balls.

- Hello.

- [Kenny] Hello!

- What was that?

- What? Nothing.

-[Vince] Kenny, buddy, little help!

- Oh, this is gonna suck.

- Hey, Steph, I didn't realize you were here.

Holy shit, it's you.

- Oh, hi.

- [Vince] Hi.

- [Jane] You're friends with this guy?

- Friends is a strong word.

- It's me, from the bar, the bet.

I never got your name.

- Jane.

- Hi, Jane.

I'm Vince, I'd shake your hand but er --

- Oh no, no, no, I understand.

- How do you guys know each other?

- Stephanie and I are old friends.

- Well I can't believe you're friends

and we've never met.

- It was sort of by design.

- Kenny and I are old friends too, like family.

His parents took me in actually

when I was a wayward youth.

Trust me, I would not be where I am

if it wasn't for him.

- Taped to the wall?

- No, no, no, in life.

They gave me shelter, but more than that

they gave me direction.

We are going to have a great time,

the four of us.

Stephanie, I know that honesty is a big deal

between you and Kenny so I just wanna

go and confirm that bringing Celeste

and her friends back here was completely

my idea, Kenny was adamantly opposed to it.

- I don't think I've met Celeste, she sounds lovely.

- [Kenny] Look, I hadn't either, I promise,

she's just a stripper that Vince has been seeing.

- [Vince] Kenny, she is not a stripper,

she's a student who occasionally strips

to pay her tuition, obviously.

- Oh well that's totally different.

- We should all go out sometime,

the four of us, it'd be great.

- Tell you what, we're going to go for a run.

Kenny, why don't you peel Vince off the wall

and we'll catch up later.

You're an idiot.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to see you.

I can't wait to go out.

Thank God you're here.

The front's gonna be easy because I waxed

but you may need to get in there

and trim around the taint a little.

[door slamming]

- Hey, honey, honey, I'm sorry,

nothing happened, nothing happened, I swear.

- You really need to take a good hard look

at yourself and decide what it is you want.

- I want you.

I want you to move in.

- Seriously?!

You're asking me to move in the morning

after you had strippers in your house?

- Probably not the best time.

- No, not the best time.

You know what, I love you,

but I swear to God if I find out you messed around

with one of those hookers I will take your balls --

- Oh here we go, really focus.

- I'm not kidding, I will get four horses --

- Ooh alright, think it through.

- I will tie each ball to the, to the...

- No, I only have two balls.

- You know what, I'm not doing it,

I'll leave you.

How about that, is that clear enough?

- Crystal.

It's lacking a little imagination.

- Get your shit together, boy.

[car engine revving]

- [Jane] Look, I dunno if I'm the best person

to give you advice on this.

I just met him but he seems like a pretty good guy.

-[Stephanie] Yeah, he's good on his own.

Just when he gets around Vince

he turns into a turd.

- [Jane] Seriously, what is up with that guy?

- [Stephanie] Shit for brains.

He's your typical alpha-male douchebag.

He probably has mommy issues, possible latent homosexuality

overcompensating by sleeping with

as many women as possible.

- Big ego. - Yeah.

- Big bank account. - Uh-huh.

- And a little dick. - Likely.

- Sounds like somebody I used to know.

- Honey, I know I've said this before,

but you're just so much better off now.

- I know, I'm insane,

ever since it happened I've been

destroying men on two continents.

It's so pleasurable it frightens me.

It's no good.

- That's not true, you have taught a lot of men

a lot of lessons.

In fact, you know who could use a good dose of you?

-[Jane] Who, the guy with his junk taped to the wall?

Looked to me like he already learned his lesson.

- Yeah? Did it sound like he learned it?

- I dunno, Steph, I do a lot of damage.

- Listen, I love Kenny, but that guy...

trust me, this would be productive damage.

[phone ringing]

- Morning, Tracy.

- [Tracy] Morning, Vince.

Mr. Campbell is looking for you.

- Tell him I'm in a meeting or something, okay,

I can't deal with that miserable fuck today.

Good morning, Sir!

- Morning, handsome.

Excuse me.

Tracy!

Hi, Mr. Campbell is in my office.

- Oh, okay, Mr. Campbell is looking for you

in your office.

- I see that, yeah, why did I hire you?

- Because I am too old for you to consider

having sex with me.

- That is not true, I hired you

because I needed somebody to...

Okay, maybe that is why I hired you,

just, carry on.

- Okay, but I just want to tell you that

there could be a lot of heat in my secret place

if you were interested.

I said, my secret place.

I'm just saying.

- Guten tag, Tracy.

- [Tracy] Guten tag, I scoot back now.

- Sir, what can I do for you?

- [Campbell] Well, Vince, to be honest,

it's my instinct to let you go.

You roll into work whenever suits you,

and you continually sleep with your clients.

- I think it's important to stay in contact

with your clients after the case.

- [Campbell] I understand that,

but people talk, word gets around,

it's not good for our image.

- Right.

- [Campbell] Vincent, you are without a doubt,

one of the best attorneys in town but --

- You know, Jack, I never liked you.

I think you are a miserable, petty bastard,

and frankly, I'm looking at this like you're doing me a favor.

Now, I don't have to listen to your long-winded stories

about golf and your insufferable fucking children.

Oh and by the way, your wife, yeah,

let's just say at the company Christmas party

she stuffed mistletoe into my belly button

and tried to kiss my dick.

- You didn't let me finish.

I was going to fire you but our Mr. Kendrick

insisted that you represent him in his divorce case.

- [Vince] I'm sorry, what?

James Kendrick, the Pickle Prince of Providence?

- The very one.

And if you can make this firm's biggest client happy,

we'll make you a partner, understand?

- That thing, the thing I just said.

- About my wife and your dick?

- Yeah, that thing, that's the one.

- No, no, you're right.

She's a whore, you're just being honest.

[upbeat music]

- Alright, the play's at first.

That's alright buddy, stay down on it.

- This kid is fucking useless, alright.

Bobby, give me 10 laps now.

- No, Bobby, stay, it's fine.

Ease up, that's my nephew.

- I realize that and as his uncle

you should be embarrassed.

Alright, fellas, listen up.

You wanna go through life afraid every time

some balls come flying at your face?

Come on!

[children laughing]

Metaphorically speaking, okay.

Balls being life's problems, alright,

not actual balls in your face.

Grow up.

- That's good, okay, go get some water.

- [Vince] Yeah, like you deserve it,

you haven't done anything.

-[Kenny] Hustle up!

- Listen, Kenny, I wanna apologize for last night,

I'll call Stephanie and smooth things over.

- Do not call her, that will just make it worse.

- I'm starting to get the impression that

she doesn't like me very much.

- Do you really care what she thinks?

- Of course I care what she thinks.

This is the woman you're gonna marry someday, right?

- I appreciate your understanding.

- Yeah, let's talk about Jane though,

what's up her?

- I know, she's beautiful.

- [Vince] Beautiful, no, a sunset is beautiful,

she's fantastic.

She's ass-tastic.

Oh I should trademark that, ass-tastic.

I like that.

- She went through an awful divorce.

- Well that could be a positive thing, right,

it's like the wounded gazelle syndrome,

makes it easier for the lion to take her down.

Me being the lion in this scenario.

- Her husband cheated on her and left her with nothing,

and I mean, nothing.

- Yeah, well, maybe she drove him to it,

you never know.

Just hook a brother up.

- Trust me, after what she's been through

and after the impression you made [phone ringing]

that girl is not going to date you. [phone ringing]

Hi.

Yeah, okay.

Sure, see you then.

That was Steph and she and Jane want to meet

you and me out for drinks.

- That's what's up.

- Which one of you is Kenny Peterson?

- That's me.

- Sign here, please.

- They just said deliver to a baseball field?

- You have no idea what it took to find you, okay?

- Who's it from?

- Anonymous.

- [Vince] Who cares who it's from, just open it.

- Alright.

- Holy shoot balls!

Look at this, it's new unis.

- Wow! Those are the shit my friend.

40, 60 poly-cotton blend, woo!

And you know what they're soft and durable.

- How the hell you know that?

- I was curious and I opened up the box.

- You opened up the package?

- It happens all the time, player,

welcome to the future.

- I dunno what that means.

- It means whatever you want it to be,

okay, alright?

Get off my case.

- Take it easy, you can go, thank you.

- Oh, I see how it is,

I just drop your shit off and then

just forget about me, huh?

- You're a delivery guy, right?

- Okay, you know what,

I'm gonna bounce, alright?

Sorry, don't get your panties in a wad.

It's not like I took the jersey and danced around

with a bowl of jello while eating it in the bathroom.

- That's awfully specific.

- What do you guys care?

Have a great day!

- What the...?

Hey, new unis!

Come on, guys.

- [Vince] If you wanna look like champs, get over here.

- Check 'em out.

-[Vince] Finally, you guys will look presentable around me.

- What?

- Thank you.

- What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, alright, just don't go all homo on me.

Knock it off.

[gentle guitar music]

[man moaning]

- I have to say that I was flattered you requested me.

- Your little spitfire client, Mrs. Kemp,

is actually a friend of mine.

How you got the judge to side with her

is nothing short of a miracle.

She is no angel.

[surprised gasping]

- Fortunately, that doesn't matter.

It's all about what you can prove

and while we're on the topic, I'm going to

need to ask you if there's been any

extra-marital activity in your marriage?

- Oh yeah, tons of it.

- Okay.

- Don't worry, I keep it on the DL.

She's just a physical therapist, she helps me

with my bum knee and my bad shoulders.

She has the most powerful hands,

it's really something.

Sometimes, I have bruising.

- If your wife has a good attorney,

they'll dig that stuff up and you'll

be in violation of your pre-marital agreement.

- And now you know why I hired you.

- I see.

[man shouting]

- Mount Helena! [speaking a foreign language]

Pickle my mouth!

[romantic music]

- [Vince] Which is why I never flush while still sitting,

you never know when you'll look down

and see 37 feet of colon staring back up at you.

- So, Jane, Stephanie tells me that you guys

go back all the way to high school.

- Yeah, junior high, we both dated the same guy.

- At the same time? That's hot.

- We were 15.

- Yeah.

- You like that?

- Come on, I'm kidding.

Let me ask you this, did you guys

have that one night in college where you

got a little drunk and accidentally had sex

with one another, like at a school dance or something?

- Hmm, no, no, I can't say we did.

- What about you? You ever drink a little too much

and wake up with Kenny's balls resting on your chin?

- [Vince] No, but if that did happen it would

be my balls on Kenny's chin.

Alright, let's just be absolutely clear about that.

- Nuh-uh, my balls would be on your chin [laughs].

- So Kenny tells me that your husband cheated

on you and then dumped you, is that the gist?

- Oh my God, Vince, come on.

I'm so sorry, Jane.

- No, no, no. Let's just get it out there.

Yeah, he ran off with one of my friends.

- Ouch.

Well, while we're all sharing.

Something similar happened to me once.

I was dating a girl, we were getting pretty serious,

she left for London for a couple of weeks, for work --

- Where she met a dashing young English man

who swept her off her feet?

- Yeah, I wish, no.

She came back, everything was pretty normal

and then one day, I'll never forget it,

we went for a walk in the park, a romantic walk,

she was eating a banana, chopping it into little pieces

which was totally annoying, but that's not the point.

And she says to me, "Hold on a second,

"I need to throw away my banana peel

"in the rubbish bin."

- And?

- And? And what? That was it.

It's a deal breaker, we broke up that night.

- Really?

- So you actually broke up with a girl

because she used the word rubbish?

- Rubbish bin, and yeah.

What kind of woman goes over to London

for two weeks and has the audacity to start

using their phrases?

I'll tell you what kind of woman does that,

an unstable one, yeah.

- [Jane] I'm still trying to get my head around

how that's on par with my husband cheating on me

with my best friend.

- We both had our hearts broken.

- Oh yeah.

- Love does not discriminate, but if you ask me,

I think it worked out the way it was supposed to,

because we're both here now, right?

[laughing]

- Oh I'm so sorry if that's what you got.

See right now, I'm really enjoying being single.

Unfettered, free to sleep with anyone I want,

whenever I want.

- Yeah, yeah, no feathers, yeah.

- Could be some unsuspecting guy in a bar

or maybe it's just some stranger who smiles

at me in the right way on the street.

Most of the time I just wanna get off.

-[Vince] Yeah getting off's good, yeah.

- But other times it's revenge sex.

They don't know that, they just think

they've struck gold with the naughtiest girl in town.

Because, believe me,

when I put my mind to it,

I take it to a whole new level.

- Okay, boys, tongues back in your mouths, huh?

You ready? You okay down there?

We gotta go.

- Wait, wait, we're not going now,

we're just getting started.

- Look, we've got an early morning, man,

you guys feel free to carry on.

- Well, come on, let's just have one drink.

I know a great little bar, we can play pool,

I'll even let you win.

- You'll let me win?

You wish.

- And to put it bluntly, I am

what they like to call unbeatable.

- Let me remind you, the last time we bet

it didn't work out so well for you.

- It wasn't that. This is different.

- Alright, well, let's do this.

- Let's do this.

- [Jane] Alright, game of nine ball, it's on.

- Okay, alright, lucky shot but it's not gonna matter.

- We forgot to say what we're playing for.

- What is your pleasure?

- 20 bucks?

- Kinda boring.

- Oh well, what did you have in mind?

- I think you know what I want.

- Wow, and here I was thinking you might

come up with something original.

- Trust me, it's the way that I do it

that makes it original.

- 20 bucks.

Take it or leave it.

- Well, okay, it's a bet.

- So what kind of law do you practice?

Personal injury? Possibly with your own TV commercial?

- Yeah, you wish.

I specialize in matrimonial law.

- Oh, so you basically help spouses

fuck each other over, is that about right?

- When you say it like that it kinda takes the pleasure

out of it.

Don't you think that everyone deserves

their day in court?

- Whatever helps you sleep at night.

- Typically that's smooth jazz and an H-J.

- So what happens when you absolutely know

that you're representing someone who has

been lying and cheating on their partner?

- Bill them at 250 an hour like everyone else.

- Oh remember when you said you were

going to let me win?

Pay up, bitch.

- That was pretty...

- Impressive?

- Kind of lucky, it might not be your regulation table, I dunno.

Come on, double or nothing.

- God, I would but all this law talk

has made me bored.

G'night!

- I'm not sure I understand the premise.

- It's simple.

You get to do Megan Fox from behind, right,

but lying on top of her is a naked,

spread-eagled John Travolta.

- [Orange Shirt] But I'm banging Megan Fox, right?

- Oh yeah, you're banging Megan Fox.

It's really good, you're having a good time,

but you're looking at John Travolta.

- No, screw that, what's the other option?

- We'll reverse it, Megan Fox lying spread-eagle

on John Travolta's back.

- Ah, that one, I'd take that one.

- So you're fucking John Travolta

but you're looking at Megan Fox? Come on.

- Wait, what?

- I know, that's the flip side of that coin.

That's fucked up.

- That's a real brain teaser.

- A cock teaser.

- What about you, Vince?

- I'm just a little preoccupied,

I can't believe she beat me.

I never lose at pool.

- You're acting so pathetic.

- I didn't get a shot off, she ran the whole table,

it was like I was playing against that Asian chick

that plays with the black glove.

-[Men] Jeanette Lee.

- Look, let it go, she got lucky.

- Only it wasn't luck, this girl is good.

I need another shot.

- So if you wanna go out with her, ask her out.

- Yeah, I do, but it's more than that now.

I need to beat her.

- [Kenny] So she's gotten under your skin, hear that, fellas?

The great Vince finally met his match.

-[Vince] I need to redeem myself.

- Appeal to her sense of competition.

- Well she's obviously good at bar games,

maybe take her out of her comfort zone.

- You guys done stretching?

Are we gonna do this or not?

- Oh, I didn't realize that not jogging

was still an option, because if that's the case

I vote to not jog.

- I'm with you, I vote for that too.

- I'm starving.

- Let's get it, sandwiches.

- Let's do that.

- Great workout, guys.

Wait, I got it, I got it!

[upbeat music]

- Yes!

It's too easy.

- Archery.

- No, man, that's just giant darts

and we know how good she is with those.

- Think outside the box or inside, I don't care,

just come up with something where I can't lose.

- Bridge building.

- Boulder lifting.

- No, no, what we need to do,

and by the way those are horrible ideas,

what we need to do is get away from the physical,

because I bet this little spinner

can shit bigger than he does. - Bite me.

- We need to get to the intellect.

- That's right, the intellect,

that's what I'm known for, that's my thing.

Okay, intellect.

[upbeat music]

- I think we'll call that a checkmate.

[balloons squeaking]

- Who's sleeping with who here?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

That's a jumbo jet, yeah.

- This doesn't look like an airplane.

- Well, it's an airplane that just crash landed,

in the rocks.

- [Old people] Oh!

- You're very good [laughs]!

[clapping]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- That's rough, man.

- I dunno, I'm starting to lose respect for you,

I gotta be honest.

It's like the first time I saw my girlfriend

go to the bathroom,

I realized that we were no different.

Sad day.

- I think you're very talented.

- This is your fault, Kenny.

- What? What did I do?

- You told me to use my intelligence

so you need to come up with something

that doesn't involve any sort of physical prowess

or any sort of intellect.

- You ready?

- Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready.

- Okay, and go!

- Forrest Gump!

- Yes!

- Forrest Gump, bullshit.

- That's impossible.

- Suck it! Suck it!

- [Vince] It's like you guys are cheating, it's bullshit.

- Being a sore loser is not an attractive quality.

- Let's play something else.

- Don't give up so easy, alright,

we're men, we're warriors.

I want a rematch.

All or nothing, let's do this.

- [Jane] Alright, tell you what,

one card.

All you have to get is just one card.

- Done.

- That's not a good idea, probably.

- What are you talking about?

Have a little faith, are you with me?

- [Kenny] I guess.

- I said, are you with me bro?! Come on!

- I guess.

- Let's win this motherfucker.

- What's the wager?

- I mean Jane obviously knows what I want

and I'm pretty sure Kenny's going to be playing

for the old two hole.

-What?!

- Huh, no I didn't...

we'll talk.

- See, when you're not around,

all we do is talk about the glory hole.

- That is not happening.

- That's not the truth, - Uh-huh.

- It's not like I'm always just like talking about

how I want to do that so bad.

- It's talked about a lot.

- Exit only.

- There's a lot of ass talk but not like so much

like I'm weird or...

What if we lose?

- Oh, I'm pretty sure we can think of something.

That does not involve my butt.

- Don't worry about it, we're not gonna lose.

Do you wanna be the actor or do you wanna be the guesser?

And just for the record, you suck at both.

- Well that is not very nice,

and I'll be the actor.

-[Vince and Kenny] Let's do this!

- It's on!

-[Vince] Come on, Kenny!

- Come on, babe.

- Let's go, Kenny, get a good one.

- Fuck.

- Fuck, why fuck? No.

No, no fucks! Pick another one.

Pick another one, mulligan, mulligan.

Get another one.

- Yeah, nice try.

- You can do this bro.

Focus, Kenny, focus.

-[Stephanie] Three, two, one, hit it!

-[Vince] Do it, Kenny! Fucking focus, man!

Feel it, feel it, feel it!

You can do this! Focus focus focus focus --

- Stop yelling at me!

[women laughing]

- [Vince] Um, shot, shooting, shot, shotgun,

shotgun wedding, shotgun... rifle men,

Clint Eastwood! Clint Eastwood [stutters]

Tombstone, Dog Day Afternoon,

shooting stars, shooting stars, is it shooting star?

- It's not a shooting star!

- You're shooting, you're still shooting,

I shot the sheriff but I didn't, I shot

the fucking deputy, Bob Marley!

It's Bob Marley, is it Bob Marley?

Quit shooting! Quit fucking shooting, dude,

for the love of God.

Oh okay, fuck, yeah.

[women laughing]

Dog, doggy, doggy style!

- Did he say doggy style?

- [Vince] Possum, playing possum, bear,

bear, barely legal! Debbie Does Dallas.

[women laughing]

Bear, bear claws, bear growl, Bear Grylls!

Bareback, you're riding bareback,

you're not wearing a condom.

- What?!

- [Vince] Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Smell my finger.

- Smell my finger?!

Okay, you guys are low on time.

- Fuck, Kenny, fuck!

[gasping]

Is this part of the game or is he having a stroke?

Oh, Kirk Douglas! Spartacus...

I still don't know what this means.

- Seconds away.

- [whistles] Yo, taxi!

- Hey, no sound effects!

- Boom, I got it, yes!

It's Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter,

Robert fucking De Niro, yeah!

Take that other team!

- And, time.

- It's taxidermy you idiot [animal noises].

[women laughing]

- [Vince] Fuck! From now on, you're the guesser

and I'm the actor. Bullshit.

- It's just so sad, it's just so sad.

I think it's time you guys paid up.

[techno music]

- Let's hear it for our bitches!

[crowd cheers]

Well our next act is new to The Glory Hole,

so let's make them feel right at home,

please give a nice warm welcome to Shaft and Balls!

♪ [lyrics] Mr. Sexy, tell me what you wanna do tonight,

♪ Freaky freaky freaky boys

♪ What you wanna do tonight

♪ It's the sexy boys, it's the sexy boys,

♪ Tell me what you wanna do tonight ♪

[crowd cheering]

- What a rush.

I mean how great was that, honey?

- That was definitely something.

- How about Vince and Jane?

I mean, how much fun are they?

Think about it, we could be spending

a lot of time together, we'll be like The Rat Pack.

- Yeah, except nothing like The Rat Pack.

- No.

- I had fun, honey, but I'm not ready to

buy a timeshare with them.

- You know, call me crazy, but I think

they might end up together.

I'm serious, and as much as I like seeing Vince

get his ass handed to him, he's not all bad.

I think it just might take the right woman.

[romantic music]

- I've been giving it some thought

and I wanted to ask you,

do you think I could borrow this trophy

for a couple of days so I could mount it

on the front of my car?

- Be honest, I know you want it.

[laughing]

- It's so good [laughs].

- Laugh it up, but I gotta tell you,

third place, that's a bunch of bullshit.

We deserved way better than third place,

I think this whole thing was rigged.

- Oh God, if I live to be 100 the image of you

and Kenny will remain in my atrophied brain [laughs].

What was this?

[laughing]

- That was Kenny's idea.

- It was beautiful.

- No chance in hell.

Even if that was true, he'd screw it up.

- Wanna make a bet?

If he doesn't screw it up, then you

have to move in with me.

- Wow, honey, I kinda imagined this as

a romantic moment, not an I'm-drunk-off-my-ass,

let's-wager-our-future-on- our-friends'-love-lives moment.

- Great, so it's a bet.

- Okay, sure, honey, it's a bet.

But don't get your hopes up.

- [laughs] We totally should get a timeshare.

- Okay, but in all seriousness, I'm very impressed

that you followed through.

You may actually be a man of your word

and I didn't expect that from a guy like you.

- A guy like me? What the fuck does that mean?

- Well, you know, you're a type, that's all.

Frat boy, trying to hang on to his youth.

You're not unique.

- Excuse me?

I just won a 13 inch golden penis for a performance

at perhaps the gayest club in America,

the fuck I'm not unique.

- Well, maybe I'm wrong.

- I think that you think that I'm not capable

of living the life of a responsible adult.

You think I'm not capable of a real relationship.

- Hmm, that's what I think.

- I think that I'm very capable of a real relationship,

I don't know when or where that's going to come from

but it's there.

- [Jane] Well, you're the one who has to

make it happen, Vince, or you settle.

- How do you know?

- Oh, I know.

You'll continue to find what you think

is that special someone, but once the chase is over

you'll move onto the next, never really getting

to know anyone along the way,

this path leads to your destiny,

which is hanging out with other losers,

eating cereal out of a pot, because all of your other

dishes are dirty.

- Do not knock cereal, it's food and drink

all wrapped into one.

- Yeah, and you'll waste all your time

playing video games and the occasional

no strings attached sex with someone you have

no respect for.

- That doesn't sound that bad.

- Yeah, well wait until she decides to spend the night.

Yep, it's as predictable as the sun

coming up in the morning.

- How's that for predictable?

- I gotta go.

- Oh, are you sure you don't wanna

take this for your mantle?

[door slamming]

- Morning, Trace.

- [laughs] Morning, you.

Here, here's your messages.

Okay, this probably isn't the place,

but I thought you were great.

I've always had a feeling but I wasn't sure.

Now, anyway, if you want to talk to me

at anytime, you know where to find me.

I will be in my chair.

- Right, there. Okay.

Tracy, I have no idea what you're talking about,

even more so than normal, so I'm just gonna...

- Oh no, okay, wait.

Maybe you can't see me.

Listen. - What are you doing?

- Listen to me.

-Why are you getting on the desk?

- Listen to me, this is important; you're here,

you're queer,

we'll get used to it.

- Thanks.

[phone ringing]

Hey, buddy.

- It's gone viral.

- What has?

- We have, us, we're spreading like herpes.

Shaft and Balls, it's everywhere.

Look, man, I can't do this with you anymore,

no more bets with Jane, you've gotta promise me.

- Would you relax, I got the perfect plan for this.

[gun firing]

- Yeah, what do you think about that?

- It's not bad.

- Not bad? It's excellent, my friend.

- Step back and give the big fella a little room to work.

Let me show you how real gunslingers do this,

okay, just pay attention.

Fire in the hole!

[gun firing]

- [Jane] You missed. - What?

- You missed the target.

- Oh yeah, that's a warning shot.

I'm surprised you don't know about that.

You always wanna fire a warning shot,

that gives the intruder the opportunity to rethink

what they're doing and nine times out of 10

they take off and nobody gets hurt.

It's a smart business.

- And you need to come to the range

to practice your warning shot?

- You know, practice makes perfect,

that's my motto.

[gun firing]

- [Jane] You winged him, right shoulder.

- [Vince] Yeah, stopped his advance.

[gun firing]

- Right wrist.

- Knocked the gun clean out of his hand.

- Hm-mm.

[gun firing]

His eye.

- What are you, a fucking eagle eye,

how can you even see that far?

- Do you wanna move the target closer

so you can see it?

- No, I don't need to move the target closer, alright.

Although I am near-sighted, but whatever.

Just sit back, watch, let me show you

how you take a guy out.

[gun firing]

Read them and weep.

- That is awful aim.

- That, Annie Oakley, is what we like to call

textbook distribution shots.

You see now, your guy, you killed him.

Whereas my guy, he'll probably survive,

but he's not gonna be snooping around

my fucking property anymore, you know what I'm saying.

That's a lesson.

- Yeah, you lost, you need to pay up.

- It's just the thing is, I feel like

marksmanship is so subjective.

Maybe, for your sake, we should find

some other challenge.

- Maybe you should be a man and pay your debt.

- Are you gonna tell me why we're here

or are you gonna keep me in suspense.

[giggling]

What, you want me to just run across the bar

and take my pants off, fine, let's just

get it over with.

- [Jane] Okay, see that girl, alone in the corner?

- Yeah.

- All I want is for you to go and talk to her.

- That's it?

I like this idea.

If this idea was a cause I would donate

my time and money to it.

But do you think maybe we could find

a little more attractive girl?

Are we talking about a threesome or not?

- I want you to experience what it is like to

have an actual conversation with a woman.

No cheesy pick-up lines, no ulterior motives.

- This is gonna suck.

- Oh God. You know I'm hoping there's a decent

human being somewhere inside that douchey exterior.

- This is going to go horribly wrong,

I can feel it.

- I bet you find it rewarding.

- I bet I won't.

- [Jane] By the way, I will be sitting right across

from you so you can't just go through the motions.

You have to stay for at least one drink.

- Just a normal conversation.

- Mm hmm.

Did I mention you're a terrible person?

- [Jane] Go get her.

[upbeat pop music]

- Hi there,

I was wondering if I could join you for a drink?

- Um... I guess.

- I'm Vince.

- Hi, Vince. I'm Regina.

- Nice to meet you.

Do you come here often?

- It's my friend's birthday, she wanted to come

for a drink, she just went to pee.

Oh, there she is.

- Hi! Well, well, well...

What do we have here?

- Hi, there.

- Wow.

- I'm Vince, I was just joining your friend for a drink

but I see you're home so I'll let you guys

finish your night.

Hi?

-Hi.

- What's your name?

- Well, you can call me Stella, because that's my name.

[laughing]

[Stella burps]

Now, listen, it's my birthday,

guess how old I am.

- I really don't think -- - Come on!

Guess!

- Hm... 42.

- [laughs] You wish!

I'm only 30.

- Happy Birthday!

- You're damn right it is.

[laughing]

Oh boy.

- What?

- Oh, oh man, this is my favorite part.

The X is kicking in.

I can literally have sex with a lamppost right now.

I am not kidding.

I was thinking I could make a big, hot pile

of sex right here.

And right here and one more time in the morning.

[phone vibrates]

- Oh look at that. - You got something for me?

- Just reading a text, it's probably just Nana.

That's satisfying, thank God!

Okay, ladies, I'm just gonna finish my drink

and get out of here.

- There you are, oh, honey,

I'm so sorry about what I said earlier,

let's just get home, the kids want you home.

I'm sorry, we had a big fight, I'm impossible.

- Okay, have a good one.

What the fuck?

- You've done everything that I've asked, come on.

- You said, "one drink," I served my punishment,

now we're even.

- You drink up.

- How stupid do you think I am?

- I'm gonna wet my pants.

- I am so sorry, I tried to tell you.

- Driver. Oh my God, this is the smoothest thing

I've ever felt.

It's like tiny little strands of silk.

Is that Pantene?

- No, don't put it in your mouth.

Oh God, how about some coffee?

- Oh God, coffee is beautiful.

People don't say that enough, after all

that it's done for us.

What is eternity but the continuous state of now?

- [Jane] God, how long does this stuff last?

- For eternity.

Did you love him?

Your ex-husband.

- Yeah, I did.

- Huh, he's a lucky guy.

- Thank you.

- It must've really hurt.

- I got nothing, actually less than nothing.

He got the house and lost all the money I had

in a bad investment.

That's what you get for hiring a good attorney, right?

No offense.

- None taken.

- Looking back it doesn't surprise me.

I guess I was just blinded by his charm.

- What's he do for a living?

- Lies, cheats, avoids taxes, it doesn't matter.

- Did you know that crying is just

laughing when you're sad?

- [laughs] No, I didn't know that.

- [Vince] Well, if you have a pen,

I'll write that down for you.

- I really like you better when you're on drugs.

- [Vince] If that was me, I wouldn't have cheated on you.

[moans] Our mouths just made sweet love.

[laughing]

[birds chirping]

- [Jane] Wakey wakey.

Hi, I thought this could help.

- Hi. Thank you.

- I hope you're okay.

- Yeah, that was...

kind of crazy, huh?

- Yeah, it was an experience, that's for sure.

- You were amazing, obviously.

- You don't remember a thing, do you?

- I'm a little fuzzy.

I think it's maybe the highlights that I'm missing.

- You don't remember the bar?

- Yeah, I remember the bar.

There was a birthday girl, right?

- Good!

- I remember pounding my drink and then

after that it's just a blur.

- Yeah, you got dosed.

- I got roofied?!

- Not really.

Apparently it was some pretty good Ecstasy though.

[laughing]

- Did, did we...?

- [Jane] No, I slept on the couch.

- Lame.

- You were a perfect gentleman.

- Disgusting.

- You've been a good sport,

you've made good on all your bets,

and you said some very nice things last night.

- Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that.

- Oh my God, why are you so afraid to admit

that you have actual feelings?

It's good news.

It's what separates you from, I dunno,

a baboon.

- Thank you.

Wait a minute, I won a bet.

- What?

- I remember winning a bet last night.

- No, I don't think so.

- No, hold on a second; I distinctly remember

you saying, "go talk to that girl," and

quote, "I bet you'll find it to be

"a rewarding experience."

I did not find it to be a rewarding experience,

I got drugged.

- That was hardly a bet.

- It was a bet.

You lost, I won.

You are not welching on this.

Hold please, while I...

Yeah, it's a victory dance.

-Really?

- Yeah that's a victory dance, a slow one

because I might throw up.

Wait, oh that's good there.

Can you feel it?

- Are you enjoying that?

Alright.

Let's just get this over with.

- Excuse me, what are you doing?

- Come on, quit gloating,

here I'll help you out.

- What kind of a guy do you think I am?

What makes you think that I want sex?

I mean, really.

- Okay, humor me.

- I wanna go on a date.

[laughing]

- Are you fucking with me?

- No, I won.

I wanna go on a date, just you and I,

no more bets, I'll even cook dinner.

You got a problem with that?

- No.

- Great, stilettos and a thong would be appreciated

but not really required.

- Feel better.

- All I'm doing there is giving some ideas

trying to help you out, plan your wardrobe.

And a handjob would be fine, too.

[relaxing music]

That's pretty much my whole problem, right there,

in a nutshell.

- [Jane] Yeah I can see why that would be troubling.

- [Vince] Yeah, sorry, this whole dating thing

is just new to me.

- No, no, no, that's okay.

We'll figure this out.

Okay, so what if instead of Travolta

it was someone like Justin Bieber.

- Ooh.

- At least you have a feminine quality, right?

And I really think he's someone that would

care enough to not make it completely uncomfortable.

- Nah, unfortunately Travolta's gotta be involved

either way.

But I like where you're going with this

and I'm definitely gonna bring it up to the guys.

- Okay, but don't wait too long because I'm afraid

the opportunity might present itself and then,

you know you've waited too long to say anything.

- Agreed, better to be prepared.

[laughing]

- So what's the longest relationship

you've ever been in?

- Ah, let's see.

15 years.

- Wow. - [Vince] Yeah.

- Why did you guys break up?

- We didn't.

It's Kenny.

- Oh, I should've known.

- Yeah, yeah.

- So no serious girlfriends?

- No, I guess I'm just, well, afraid of commitment.

There, I said it out-loud.

Afraid to get hurt.

- That's not an easy thing to admit.

- Yeah, but this whole playboy facade

is kinda getting old.

It's actually really lonely.

- That is so refreshing.

- I am fucking with you.

I've had a couple of girlfriends but nobody

really worth the long haul.

- Maybe I need to slip you some more drugs.

- It's crazy that it takes heavy duty,

psychotropic drugs to get me to reveal the truth.

- You remember everything you said last night, don't you?

- I do.

Do you wanna make out?

- God, you're romantic.

- [Vince] Get ready for Captain Feelgood

because he is reporting for duty.

- Oh my God, listen to this,

I gotta tell you that nicknames,

they really turn me off, it reminds me of my ex.

- Yeah.

I'm glad we're being honest with each other [pants]

because I gotta tell you talking about your ex,

that's actually what turns me off.

- [pants] Okay so I'll leave the Pickle Prince out of it.

- Oh that's bad.

- Is that so bad?

- No, no, it's not that, it's just that

I'm feeling kind of nauseous,

I think maybe it's the Ecstasy.

- What?

- [Vince] Yeah, yeah, it's coming on me like a wave.

Do you mind if we do this another time?

- No, of course not.

- [Vince] Yeah I want it to be perfect for you,

just not tonight.

- Yeah, it's getting kind of late anyway.

- Yeah, yeah, it's super late.

Oh yeah, it was good, sorry.

- [Jane] It's alright.

Feel better.

- You look so pretty, I'll call you tomorrow.

The Pickle Prince, really?

Fuck.

- Hang on, you had the chance to --

-Yeah.

- And instead you just asked her out.

- I did.

- And when do you turn your decision making

over to your vagina?

[laughing]

- Hey Vince, did you lose these?

- You should join my mom's scrap-booking club,

[laughs] there's ladies in it.

- The craziest thing happens now when she talks,

I can't believe it.

- Oh you actually want to hear what she has to say?

- Well, no, but I don't wanna jam an icepick

into my ear and that's huge.

- Sounds like love.

- Got it!

What if it's Justin Bieber's face

on John Travolta's body?

- Interesting, so it's like Face-Off,

but with Bieb's face instead of Travolta's?

- Exactly.

- So it's not really the man's hairy ass

that gives you the problem,

it's the owner of the ass.

- It's really about having to stare

into a certain set of eyes.

- Now that's a valid point.

I feel like if you stare into Travolta's eyes

for too long it might send you down

some weird rabbit hole.

I dunno if I'd really ever come back from that.

- But Bieber's okay?

- Well at least with Biebs I feel like he would

sense your vulnerability, try to make you comfortable.

I'm gonna allow it. Judges?

- I say no, I mean once we start changing

all the rules then it gets really complicated.

- First thing it's Justin Bieber and the next

thing you know, Robert Pattinson.

- Ooh, Robert Pattinson, now you're talking.

I mean he seems like the kind of guy who'd

stick around after, cuddle.

- No, no, no, it stays Travolta.

- That's a game-changer though without Travolta.

- It's over, right?

- This is impossible.

- What is it with you and hot dudes?

- What's up with you, man?

- Nothing, it's just one minor little obstacle.

- There's no such thing as that with you.

- [stutters] I maybe discovered that I'm representing

Jane's ex in the divorce case.

- What do you mean?

- The Pickle Prince of Providence.

- That's her ex?!

That is so awesome!

You're fucked, but that is so cool,

is he as cool as he seems on the jar?

- That's all you got for me?

You're a well-respected couples' therapist

and all you've got for me is, "you're fucked"?

Yeah, he's pretty awesome.

But that's before I found out that he screwed Jane over

in the divorce, so what am I supposed to do?

- Well if you want my professional opinion,

and this is for free,

you gotta drop the case, Vince.

- I feel like she'll understand.

It's business.

- You're fucked.

- I think it'll be alright, trust me.

- [Jane] This is a pretty spot.

- [Vince] Yeah, you mind if we hang out here for a minute?

- Okay, so was there something you wanted

to talk about?

- Right.

It's more of a confession really, but before I do

I just wanted to tell you that I feel

like we're in a really good place right now.

In fact, I was just telling the fellas

that the sound of your voice does not

make me cringe, like even a little.

- [laughs] That's so sweet, it's like Jane Austen

just speaks from you.

And?

- Oh, right, you know that big divorce case

I've been working on?

- Yeah.

- My client, and it's not a big deal,

but it's the Pickle Prince.

- Are you kidding me?!

- I wish I was, small world I guess.

- Yeah, that's...

Well thank you for telling me.

- [Vince] I didn't know, I promise.

I just put two and two together,

actually it was during our date

and that's why we didn't... sorry.

- No, don't apologize, you didn't know.

I respect you for not taking advantage of the situation.

It must have been difficult.

- Yeah, it was awful.

I had to jerk off four times after you left.

Maybe five, I can't remember, I lost track.

- Well I guess he's just gonna have to find someone

else willing to destroy his wife.

- Wait, Jane,

I can't drop the case,

he's the firm's biggest client,

if I make him happy then I make partner,

I hope you can understand that.

- Can I understand how you're going to represent

the one person who tried to ruin my life?

How you're gonna let him ruin someone else's?

Help him ruin someone else's?

No, Vince, I can't understand that.

I'm gonna go.

- What am I supposed to do?

- You know, the fact that you have to ask me that

tells me all I need to know.

Good luck, Vince, I hope you win.

- [sighs] Great.

- What about the house in the Hamptons?

- I'd be happy with four weeks a year.

- Well, I'd be willing to give you zero weeks a year.

- You know, I changed my mind,

I want 19.

- She is not setting foot in that house.

I built that damn thing with my bare hands.

- In 1977 you were five years old.

- Do you think I give a shit about math?!

- You're a loser!

- You're a whore!

- Needle dick!

- That is slander.

- Slander is lying.

- You wanna see this thing?

[shouting]

I want it noted that I offered to measure,

I offered to measure.

Cock measure!

- Everybody just relax, okay?

We're willing to let the judge decide who gets what.

It's up to you.

- No, no, they had their chance, we're done here.

- Hang on,

they're not being unreasonable.

- I'm not paying you to be reasonable,

I'm paying you to get your fucking ass in the game!

- Any messages?

- Nothing.

- Thanks, you got a little...

- Did I get it?

- [Vince] Yeah, you got it.

♪ [lyrics] Why's it gotta be so hard

♪ Why's it gotta be this way

♪ It's like I'm being torn apart

♪ All this beautiful pain

♪ I know you wanna be with me

♪ But you gotta go to him

♪ Freedom isn't really free

♪ You sink before you learn to swim

♪ Because baby we don't have much time

♪ Before we go stumbling home - Pervert!

- It's a memory trigger, it's...

God that thing's huge.

♪ [lyrics] How can something be that bad

♪ When it feels this good

♪ And I shudder in my sleep

♪ I can hardly close my eyes

♪ Then I wake up in a dream

♪ Free now from a life of compromise

♪ Oh you never lost but you never won,

♪ Cause you never fought and you never moved on

♪ You never lost but you never won,

♪ Cause you never fought and you never moved on

♪ Don't be afraid of looking back ♪

- I don't understand.

- [Vince] Okay, it doesn't have to be Travolta,

it can also be Justin Bieber's face.

- Ew, I don't get it.

- You've got to tell her how you feel.

- She won't even take my calls.

- Fuck the phone, girls like to be swept away.

- Will somebody tell this poor boy

what a real woman wants!

- I like a simple gesture, like roses.

- I like a man to work for it,

I also like cash.

- A woman doesn't want no phone calls.

- Dammit, you're so sassy and so right.

Alright fellas, what do I need to do?

- Vince, sweetheart, you've got to go after her.

[making bird sounds]

- Shush, here she comes, here she comes.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Wait.

Wait, wait wait.

Fuck, I had In Your Eyes queued up

but the battery died.

- Stay there, I'll be right down.

- [Vince] I'll be here.

- It's working, it's working!

Who told him to make that noise, it was good.

- You should have ordered flowers,

why didn't we bring her flowers?

- And he's dressed like a hobo.

- Oh straight boys don't know how to dress.

- I think he looks good, I'd fuck him.

- Oh you'd fuck anybody.

- True [giggles].

- You would probably would fuck anybody.

- Candy, why didn't we get candy?

- I'm gonna...

You might wanna hide now.

- Get over here.

What are you doing here?

- I've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks.

Is this how you treat men?

Just use them up and dump them in the rubbish bin?

- You need to leave.

- No, I demand an explanation.

You've no right to be mad at me,

this whole thing is out of my control,

you know that.

- I don't have the right to be mad at you,

but I do have the right to be pissed at myself

for actually thinking that there was

something more to you.

- What?! There is.

You mean something to me,

just ask the gays.

- Who are the gays?

- The gays, Big Bird and the guys.

- What?!

- Right, never mind.

Just give me one more chance, alright?

Make a bet, alright.

I lose, you never have to see me again.

You choose, bowling, darts, whatever.

- Here's a bet, I bet that you couldn't do

the right thing if your life depended on it.

Just go, Vince, go win your case.

[Vince sighs]

- [Man] So I bought her three shots,

took her home and banged her, and never called her.

Wait, that guy at the bar,

the dude in the blue shirt.

Vince, I thought that was you!

It's Gary.

- Oh yeah, hey man, how are you?

- Guys, Vince here represented me

in my divorce case.

I'm gonna buy you a drink, what do you drink?

Daiquiris, what?

- [Vince] No, I'm good, I'm glad you're doing well.

- Not only did this guy help me keep my money

and my house, he got the court to order

my ex to return the breast implants that I paid for.

I still keep them by my bedside.

I sleep on them sometimes, at night

I'll put them under my head like a little pillow

and I'll rest with them.

- It's wrong.

- Well, it's like what you said before our trial,

"it's not about what's right and wrong,

"it's about what you prove,"

and she couldn't prove shit!

Up top!

[crashing]

[gun firing]

- It's six AM, are you coming to bed

or did I come over here for nothing?

Boobies, you see these?

Do you want these?

Or your little joystick?

- Jesus Christ, woman, cover yourself,

what are you, Daytona Beach?

So, yeah, here's the thing I'm only on level 12

right now, this could go all day, so I'm thinking

maybe you'd be more comfortable in your own bed.

You okay to drive?

- Look at you, a grown man in his boxers

playing video games until six o'clock in the morning,

trying to get me to pack my shit and go home,

that is pathetic.

- And you'll waste all your time playing video games,

and the occasional no strings attached sex

with someone you have no respect for.

- Oh my God, she's right.

- What?

- [Girl] Is this a kidnapping?

- [Vince] No, this is the new Vince

and this is a dire emergency,

just bear with me for a bit and I'll take you home

like a gentleman, I promise.

Now hide your ass in the trunk.

You're right, you're right, I'm sorry.

That's the old Vince, you just wait right there.

[car horn]

- What's going on?

- I'm not gonna stop beeping this horn

until you come down here.

[car horn]

I'm not joking. - Oh my God.

You really thought it was a good idea to bring her?

- We didn't sleep together, I swear to God.

Will you tell her?

- It's true, he totally ignored me.

- See? You see? I ignored her.

- You should be so proud.

My ex-husband's house?!

Why are you bringing me here?

- Just bear with me, please.

- No!

- Just come with, I promise it's the last thing

I'll ever ask of you.

Just trust me.

[doorbell ringing]

- Oh, well this has to be a bad dream.

My lawyer and my ex-wife, although

that doesn't explain you.

- [Vince] Really?

Good morning, Sir.

- Hi, what the hell are you doing here?

And who is she?

- Her name is not really important right now

mostly because I can't seem to remember it

at the moment.

Look, we're a couple of hours away from reconvening

with your soon-to-be ex-wife,

and as your attorney I thought there was just

a couple of things we should go over before the meeting.

- Nice house!

Any place I could take a shit?

Guest bathroom's fine.

- [Vince] I'll explain that later.

Wow.

Anyway, here's what we're gonna do,

you are gonna put a big smile on your face

and you're gonna accept their settlement offer.

You're gonna give her the money that she wants

and you're gonna double it.

Plus, you're gonna give her the house in the Hamptons

and a piece of your business, let's say 20 percent.

And finally, most importantly, you're gonna apologize

for being such a horrible person.

You fucked up one too many times Kendrick,

it's time to pay the piper.

- Pay the piper.

Did she put you up to this?

- [Vince] No, no. This is my idea.

- Really?

Your own idea? Big boy idea?

Good. Listen you have five seconds to tell me

that you're joking and get the fuck off my property

before you have a really serious problem.

- Vince, let's just go.

- No, no, no, we haven't even started yet,

you are going to make things right with Jane

right here, right now.

- Well that seems highly unlikely.

- Vince.

- No, no. He's going to admit that what he did

was a huge mistake, that he fucked up

the best thing that ever happened to him.

He's going to apologize for being so self-involved

that he didn't realize he was hurting both you and himself.

And that he was really turned on by how good

you are at games that involve hand-eye coordination.

- What?

- If he did that, can you forgive him?

- I guess that I could probably forgive that.

- And could you give him another chance then?

- I might give him another date.

- You realize I'm talking about you and I, right?

- Yeah, I picked up on that.

- Okay, good, I was just checking.

Well then I'm sorry.

- [claps] Are you two finished

with your little performance here?

- Ah, Kendrick, you know I know everything

about you, right?

I mean it would be a shame if some of

your private matters became public knowledge.

- I have nothing to hide.

- Is that right? How about...?

God, I love this one.

- No problem, you can't use this in court.

- And then there's these.

Oh, that is a tight ass there.

You're much more athletic there than I expected.

Oh, I particularly love the ball gag.

[Kendrick squeals]

Is there a whole fist in there?

That might be my favorite.

Great penis.

- [laughs] How did you get these?

- I had a little crick in my neck so I

paid a visit to your masseuse, very forthcoming.

Oh and by the way, she offered me a happy ending,

I declined.

- Oh, so heroic.

- You can't submit these as evidence,

you'll be disbarred.

- You're right, but what if these ended up

in the hands of a newspaper?

I mean you're the Pickle Prince, imagine the headline.

- Goddammit man!

You're my attorney.

- Not after today, pal.

Ooh you know what, let me just

keep that one for my scrapbook.

- [Kendrick] You don't have a scrapbook, liar!

- [Vince] Did you see that? It's a great cock.

- [Jane] My God, you're a pig.

Pickle pig!

- If I'm the pickle pig then you're the princess

[stutters] ex-princess, the ex-princess

of the pickle pig, fuck!

- Well, that about sums it up.

Fair is fair, isn't that right?

We'll have the paperwork sent over to you

this afternoon and unless you guys

have anything else, we're done here.

No hard feelings, huh?

- I hope you enjoyed yourself,

because your ass is out of here.

- Yeah, I was sort of planning on that.

I want you to know that I went easy on you too.

You see, I could be having sex with your ex-wife now.

But it turns out, I'm in love with your ex-wife.

You know, the other one.

Anyway...

- My office, now.

- Yeah. Ladies.

- Shit's about to go down.

[upbeat guitar music]

- Alright, so I guess I can do this full time now,

what do they pay a coach?

- You've got a free cap.

-That I paid for.

- Look, you throw in a pension plan, I'm in.

- So what's the line on the game?

- Ah, let's see, first baseman's got asthma,

pitcher's near-sighted, and our best hitter

is deathly afraid of anything being thrown at him,

so I'd say, yeah, we're gonna lose by a lot.

- [Jane] Well I have faith.

I bet your team wins by two runs.

- [Vince] I will win this bet, we suck,

we're so gonna lose this game, what's the wager?

- [Kenny] You guys still doing the whole bet thing?

Really? Isn't that a little played out?

- Yeah, I gotta go with Kenny on this one.

- If you win the bet [whispers].

- Yeah, I'm in. Look alive out there, fellas!

And just so you know, winning is not everything,

alright, sometimes more valuable lessons

can be learned by losing.

Especially if it's by two runs or more.

Go get them!

- Don't listen to him!

- So what's your plan?

- I'm not sure, I think maybe this whole thing

was a blessing in disguise.

All those years of chasing money and climbing

the ladder I'd forgotten why I love law in the first place.

- Yeah, why's that?

- It's helping people, I lost sight of that

along the way.

- Wow.

- So I think I'm going to work for a non-profit,

maybe specialize in environmental law,

just because it's always

been something very dear to me.

See what happens.

- That's amazing, I'm really excited for you.

It's gotta be liberating --

- No, I'm just fucking with you,

I'm gonna leave the non-profit shit to Kenny.

- Hey, I charge my clients.

- Yeah, sure you do.

Me, on the other hand, start my own firm,

go make more money than God.

- Hey, honey, don't we have our own little wager?

- Oh yeah, yeah, and I'm a woman of my word,

but if I move in and I find out you've got

some weird habit like you floss your asshole

with my face towel or save your belly button lint

in a jar, so help me God I will take your balls,

- Oh here we go.

- No wait for it, this is a good one.

I will take each ball individually,

I will put it on a skewer --

- Ooh, like a kebob.

- Yeah, like a ball kebob [laughs].

I will roast it over an open flame --

- You did it, that's great.

- Play ball!

- Come on, Bobby!

[clapping and cheering]

- It's too bad they lost, huh?

- Yeah, so sad.

- It's been a crazy, stupid amount of build-up

for this moment, huh?

- Definitely.

- Yeah. Phew!

- High probability of it being anti-climatic.

- Yeah, anti-climax-ic...

- That never happens with me, just so you know.

- Me neither, I can go all night, don't worry.

- Men have said that to me, but it never

works out that way.

- Trust me, I can go longer than you,

so, we're good.

- Care to make a bet?

- I'll take that bet.

Shake on it.

- Nah.

[upbeat music]

-[Voiceover] And action!

- And in all this time, have you ever

been unfaithful to your husband, Mrs. Chenowith [laughs].

And by the way, your wife, let's just say

she stuffed grape leaves [laughs].

- Oh, I didn't realize that not jogging

was still available as an op-- what?

Mine ended with a couple putting in the necessary

time to take [laughs].

I didn't really realize that not jogging was still...

What? [laughing]

- And that is why I never flush while still sitting,

you never know where you're gonna

find 27 pounds of shit.

- Oh, I didn't realize that not jogging was... [laughing]

- Are they roller-skating upstairs?

- [Jane] No, not gonna happen, fuck, dammit.

- We need some more Arizona iced tea

if you don't mind [laughs].

Kenny? Oh man, Kenny I gotta poop.

I really gotta... can you at least hand me this beer?

My nose itches, man, will you itch my nose?

Kenny.

- Oh I didn't realize that not jogging was actually

an option, cause if that's the case [laughing]

I vote for that. [laughing]

- There's butt soup, breast soup.

- [Stephanie] Think about my hole. [laughing]

- I think that's my pacemaker.

[laughing]

- There's probably some small scissors we could

get in there, no, nothing?

- Back, shoulder.

It's just like hair soup, just straight hair.

- [Vince] Tracy, what are you doing?

- I don't... I should go back to work now,

shouldn't I? I spoke out of turn,

I'm so sorry.

- Come on man, you've seen me naked before.

- So, do we like girls at all, or?

- Come on, at least bring me a long straw.

-[Vince] Celeste is a go, I repeat, Celeste is a go.

- That's titties for you, there ain't no titties for us.

- No tits.

- Come on.

- I'm the black friend, right?

- I guess that would make me the white friend.

- Up top.

- This doesn't look like an airplane.

- You shut your fucking mouth!

[laughing]

[balloon popping]

- You need to go shopping for a new blouse.

Look, I'm you and this is Jane,

this is your nuts [laughs].

- You should try that on [mumbles].

- [mumbles]

- Be strong, my sensitive boy,

I salute you [laughs].

[car hits something]

-[Women] Ooh! [laughs] Bad.

- Alright, so you guys ready?

I bet you guys, you do this, you pay attention,

I'm gonna show you once and you're gonna have to

do it, I'll even do it a little slower for you.

So, one, two, three, head, head, head.

One, two, three, head, head, head.

Then it's stop, bring it this way.

Got it?

Let's do it.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, head, head, head.

[laughing]

- [Voiceover] Who's the winner?

♪ [lyrics] I've waited a long long time

♪ So I've been thinking

♪ That it's time for me to take my time

♪ I've got this feeling

♪ To be taken over by my pride

♪ There's times in this world when I wonder

♪ There's times in this world when I can't see

♪ I've waited a long, long time

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, I've waited a long, long time

♪ I've been wanting for you to comfort me

♪ Embrace me or let go and just set me free

♪ There's times in this world when I wonder

♪ There's times in this world when I can breathe

♪ I've waited a long, long time

♪ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa, I've waited a long, long time ♪