Original subtitles

She went into cardiac arrest during the night.

The doctor's there managed to revive her, but she…

- What? - She… She's very, very weak.

So they don't know if she'll come around.

What about you, Rae?

You and Tix were really close,

Kester says you're thinking about stopping your sessions with him.

Have you got people there for you?

I've got loads of people I can talk to.

Oh, Tix.

Dear, Diary,

I've been to a place this dark once before,

nearly made the biggest mistake.

I couldn't risk going back that low again.

I needed to talk to someone.

I didn't deserve to be happy, not after what I did to Tix.

Never mind I am that I'm fat, loud and annoying.

Maybe Finn and Chloe weren't lost to me,

maybe they weren't even going out.

Maybe it was just a kiss.

Either way I had to face them sooner or later.

Oh, my God! What an effing night! My head is banging!

- You alright? - Brilliant.

Where the bloody hell did you go to?

Don't know I woke up in a bloody field!

And then thank God I saw Chopper in his car.

- Have you spoke to Izzy? - No.

- No one knows where she is. - She'll be fine!

She was with Kendo. What if she went back with him?

And what if she went back with him?

She's single isn't she? It's her decision.

Oh, my God. Whose idea was it to meet for food?

It was my idea. This is supposed to be The Debrief.

The best part about the night out is the debrief in the morning.

Fuck the debrief.

I can't eat when it feels like someone's taken a piss on my soul.

- I'm going to lie down somewhere. - Where you going?

- What!? What about the debrief. - Archie's right, mate.

I don't need a debrief, I need a shower and shit load of peppermint tea.

- I'll see youse later. - See ya.

I'm gonna nip to the toilet.

Oh, my God, Rae! I kissed him.

- Who? - Finn!

You know, I didn't really like him that much.

I just fancied him because he was so fit.

But now I really do like him. It's so nice when that happens.

Get off me!

- Rae? - What?

Well, me and Finn haven't spoken about it yet,

but we'll deffo be going out by the end of next week.

And then, well, you know?

- Rae, I'm talking about sex… - Sex. Yeah, I get it.

It's a really exciting time for you.

Yeah, it is.

I'm just gonna go.

Mum?

I'm just trying my wedding dress on!

Well, I look like a dog's dinner.

You don't, Mum, you look lovely.

- How's Tix? - Not good.

Rae, I'm glad you've come home.

- I'm sorry… - It's fine. We're fine.

Mum… I need to talk to you about something.

Well, go on. Spit it out.

I saw something weird this morning.

I saw Karim.

So what?

He was with someone… a woman.

What woman?

I don't know. He kissed her.

Did you look out of the window?

Everyone's got family, Rae.

His sister?

Why do you hate him so much, Rae?

I don't hate him. I don't know him.

Why have you bothered to get to know him?

Rae?

Look, I know he's never gonna be your proper dad.

But he's a good man.

And he's part of this family and you need to start accepting that.

I can't force you to be a part of this family.

It's you who needs to decide whether you want to or not.

Who is my proper dad?

What do you mean?

I know it was you who's been writing the letters.

I just wanna know who he is. Is his name even Victor?

Yeah. His name's Victor.

Well, were there ever any real letters?

Has he ever tried to get in touch?

Well, does he not know where we live?

- Yeah. - What he knows or he doesn't?

He knows.

I started sending those letters when you were six, Rae.

It was a stupid thing to do,

but I guess I thought he might be coming back.

And once I'd started, well, I didn't know how to stop.

Once I started, I didn't know how to stop.

It's fine. We'll talk about it later.

You've got enough to do.

So what if my mum was starting a new life?

So what if Chloe and Finn were lost to me?

No matter what happened

I'd always have the rest of the gang.

And I'd always have my diary.

Uh, excuse me. I left a little blue bag in here when I was here this morning.

- Denim bag? - Yeah!

Well, can I have it back, please?

It's got, like, really important documents in it.

I gave it one of your friends as they were leaving.

- Which friend? - Pretty girl.

I can't believe Chloe would say that.

Sometimes I think she's being a bitch on purpose, sometimes--

I love Finn. I love Finn!

I think I'd even snog his armpits.

I'd love to snog his armpits…

But Chloe doesn't bloody realize not everyone is rich,

not everyone is pretty.

Go away!

Oh, Chloe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it!

I just write whatever comes into my head!

- Chloe, please, I'm-- - Stay away from me, alright!

And stay away from Finn.

I have been to a place this dark once before.

Nearly made the biggest mistake.

But what was the mistake?

Ever cutting myself in the first place or not cutting deep enough?

Dear Mum,

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry that I fucked everything up.

It's not your fault.

I am not hungry.

For the first time in months, I don't care about food.

I don't care about filling the gap by eating

or by hurting myself a little. The gap's too wide now.

I tried so hard to be someone everybody could like.

But no matter how hard I try, I will always be the same ridiculous, pointless blob.

I'll always hurt people and I'll always let people down.

I am so sorry, mum.

I just hate myself so much more than I could ever love anything.

And I guess I did achieve one thing.

I wrote the most boring, suicide note in the history of the world.

Hiya.

Tix?! What's going on? Are you alright?

You're in a hospital. You're in a coma.

Is this a dream?

Is it my imagination?

Are you an angel?

Look. You don't need to know everything. You're in a coma.

And I'm here to tell you that you need to wake up.

I don't want to wake up. I want to be dead.

Why do you think I was on that bridge in the first place?

Let me show you what the world would be like without Rae.

This is what happens if you don't wake up.

It's closed? Because I don't wake up?

What are you trying to say?

Well, when you stopped coming here,

other people stopped coming here,

because it reminded them of you.

A chip shop reminds people of me?!

Maybe this wasn't the best place to start.

Where are we now?

Her Majesty's Prison Lincoln. Eleven months in the future.

No!

No, no! This can't have happened.

They can't be together, they're the opposite of each other?

I made you some fairy cakes.

Oh, brilliant. That's not gonna get me beaten up is it?

What happens to Chop?

Richard said that he just doesn't want to be

a part of the country club any more.

What about you Arnold?

Are you a member of any societies?

No, not really.

Chop's name is Arnold?

Do you want some wine, Arnold?

No, thanks. I don't drink no more.

Come on, honey.

Oh, not Finn, not Finn…

Hi.

- You OK? - Yeah, yeah.

What?!

Do you know, it has been so difficult,

but I am so glad we waited.

'cause tonight's gonna be really special.

You know what… if we wait until Mauritius.

Then it'd be really special.

No! Because now is really special, isn't it?

Oh, oh, one of the candles has gone out.

This is horrible. I don't want to see anymore of this.

What the fuck?

- Whoops! - What was that last one?

Forget about it.

We were talking today about what everyone wants to go on to do and…

I'd always thought we could have been on the radio together.

Had like a joint DJ slot.

No crap. Only cool tunes. No crap FM.

Look, Rae… I really miss you.

It's bullshit that you're gone. I hate it.

Everyone hates it.

Anyway, look…

- He really misses me. - I know.

- He really misses me. - Yep.

Will he ever have sex with me if I wake up?

I can't answer that.

- Will he ever kiss me? - I can't answer that either.

Where is everything?

It's gone. No one lives here anymore.

Why?

Your mum and Karim didn't work out.

She blamed herself for your death. She had a breakdown.

Where does she live?

With your Uncle Mark in King's Lynn.

No! No! This isn't how it's meant to be!

What did you think you could just slip out of the world

without nothing happening because of it?

Do you think anyone can do that?

There is one more reason why you should wake up.

I don't want to know anymore.

No, this is nice!

When you wake up, Finn's at the side of your bed

holding your hand.

Your mum and Karim are in the corner.

There's balloons and music.

And it's perfect.

OK. I'm ready.

Close your eyes.

Good luck.

Oh, my God.

Are you alright?

Why did you step into the road like that?

How long was I unconscious for?

I dunno, maybe a second.

What about the coma?

- What coma? - Oh, no! No! No! No!

I don't know what you're talking about?

Oh, everything's still shit!

Why were you on the bridge?

I was going for a walk.

How can you even drive, anyway?

I thought you were like 14.

I'm 17.

Seventeen and you still shout names at me in the street?

Well, you're always looking at us like knobheads.

Maybe that's because you shout the words "fat bitch" in my face every other day,

Are you gonna tell anyone I ran you over?

I don't care enough to tell anyone.

Look… I'm sorry about calling you Jabba and that.

You know, I wouldn't mind, but it's so uninventive

and so unfunny it makes me want to punch myself in the tit.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you was alright.

Exactly. It shouldn't matter.

You don't treat people like dirt.

I already know I'm shit, I don't need reminding.

- Do you want me to ring anyone? - No.

What about your mum or someone?

- No! - Well, what about your mates?

I said "no" alright!

Look, I haven't got anyone to ring anyway.

Why don't you just go home? I said you didn't have to wait with me.

What were you doing on the bridge?

Look, I'm not going anywhere until you've rang someone.

Who do you call in an emergency?

There was one person missing!

- Come in. - I was looking for Kester.

Dr. Gill has taken a leave of absence.

You must be, Rae.

Dr. Gill said you might be back.

Hello? Anybody home?

Hello?

Hello? It's Rae!

Rae? What you doing here?

I called your number and your wife gave me this address.

Jesus, what have you been doing?

I'm really sorry you had to see me like that, Rae.

Like what? I didn't see anything.

What happened to your bookshelf?

Oh, it thought it could beat me, but I had a hammer.

So there was only ever going to be one winner.

Why are you on leave from work?

Well, I thought… with what happened with Tix,

and then… with you leaving…

I thought it'd be a good idea to take some time off,

and, you know, sort myself out.

I like your flat.

Yeah, it's nice isn't it?

I never thought I'd be living in a one bedroom apartment

and assembling a flat pack wine rack in my late 40s but there you go…

You know what's really nice? It's really nice to have some… space.

It's nice to have a… a fresh start.

What happened with Tix wasn't your fault.

And me walking out wasn't your fault.

I like that you're a mess.

That's what makes you real.

Like us.

I nearly did something stupid.

How stupid are we talking?

The stupidest.

What made you want to do something like that?

I just can't see a way out.

I can't see any way out.

Of what?

Of being me.

Did anything in particular happen?

Loads of stuff happened. I was upset about Tixie.

I stood her up. I forgot all about her…

She over exercised and her body couldn't take it. That's not your fault.

Anything else?

Chloe found my diary…

…so now everyone is gonna know how messed up I am.

But that's not everything.

It was my mum's wedding today, it's the reception now.

She's gonna be so angry that I missed it.

I had a kind of argument with her this morning.

And she told me that my dad has never tried to get in touch.

And that I need to make more of an effort if I want to be part of the family.

We never talked much about your dad, have we?

He left when I was really little.

I guess I'm pretty lucky in a way because I never got to know him.

I'm not angry about it.

I don't even think about him.

I remember when I was seven I went around to Chloe's house

for a sleep over and we got up because she'd had this brilliant idea.

She'd been watching people sledging on TV,

and she wanted us to get an empty pillowcase,

put our legs in and sledge down the stairs.

It's funny now, but we were there crying our eyes out

and Chloe's dad came running out from the lounge

and he had to pick one of us up first,

and he reached over me and picked up Chloe.

And afterwards, we were sitting in the lounge and her Dad,

well he just sat with her on his lap, stroked her hair.

Did you wish it was you?

Maybe. I dunno.

I guess I just feel like I'd missed out on something.

I felt sad about that. I still feel sad about that.

I mean, it's not fair is it?

That a little seven-year-old doesn't have a dad.

It's not her fault.

Her? You are that seven-year-old, Rae.

- You're talking about yourself. - Yeah, I know I am.

But what I'm saying is that it's not right to do that to a seven-year-old.

To do that to you. To leave you.

Fine. It's not fucking right to do that to me!

I wouldn't do that if I was someone's parent.

I wouldn't do that.

So why did I have to wind up with some prick for a Dad

who doesn't even want to see his own kid?

His own fucking kid!

He doesn't even know what I'm like.

He doesn't deserve to know you, Rae.

What?

- How do you do that? - Do what?

Five minutes ago, I said I wasn't even angry about it.

I didn't do anything.

Rae… Rae, Look at me.

What ever situation you find yourself in,

there is always, always, always a way out.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I am not going to leave you and I am not going to give up on you.

Your dad did what ever he did, not because of anything you did,

not because of anything you are.

So you can't spend the rest of your life

being afraid of people rejecting you.

And you have to start by not rejecting yourself.

You don't deserve it.

So from now on, people either accept you

for who you are or they can fuck off.

Because you're an amazing person, Rae.

I think we can still probably make the reception.

No, I can't go. I can't face them all.

Yeah. Yeah, I think you can.

Come on.

…bloody dress!

- Don't turn around. - I'm not turning around.

I'm ready.

Wow.

Do I look alright?

You look fantastic.

Right, let's do this.

I'm not going in.

What? I can't go in on my own.

Yes, you can.

Go on. Go on.

Just…

This is awful, maybe I can just hide.

Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry I'm late!

Wow, Mrs. Hotty Pants, look at you!

Right! Where did you get to last night?

I had to get a taxi back about 3ish to escape that drug dealer man!

- Really? - Yeah.

Izzy where the fuck have you been?

At home. Why?

I was worried about you. Everyone was.

What happened between you and Kendo?

Why do you care?

I don't… I just…

Just do what you want. Yeah?

Um… Rae, Can I have a word please.

Rae, I'm only here because of your mum.

I don't know what to say. Have you told everyone?

No, I haven't told everyone, Rae, and you know why?

- Because I'm a good person. - I know you're a good person.

I won't tell anyone, Rae, but you need to stay away from us.

I don't want to be anywhere near you

and they were my friends first

so that's the way it's gonna be.

There's a feeling I get. And its roots are deep and rotten.

It's when you realize something is fading into a memory before your very eyes.

Hi, hi, everyone! Hiya!

I know usually it's the groom who says a few words, but…

…we thought it'd be better if I took the honors.

Oh, Karim. My Beasty.

I love you so much.

I want him to feel at home tonight, OK?

So let's show him how we party in Lincolnshire!

We've… We've had quite a difficult time recently,

so it's really nice that we have something we can all celebrate… together.

Does anyone else want to say anything?

Fuck it.

Yeah, I do.

Hello…

Hello! Um…

Well, firstly, I just want to say congratulations to my mum and Karim.

I'm really sorry I missed the ceremony.

Karim makes my mum really happy, and that's all I care about,

Well, that's all anyone should care about.

And we deserve a bit of happiness,

we deserve to smile more and we've definitely done that since he arrived.

Rae!

And…

…and the second thing is I just wanted to tell everyone the truth… about me.

Um… in the Spring I was admitted to a mental home

because I kept trying to hurt myself.

I am actually mad.

And I do really weird things

like turn light switches on and off in divisions of eight.

I've cut myself. I burn myself with hot water.

Well, I used to.

And I've got this funny relationship

with a larder in our house where mum keeps like sweets and biscuits and crisps

and all the things that we shouldn't eat.

Sorry, Mum.

And I… I keep a diary of all my thoughts.

And most of the time I don't even think about what I'm writing.

Like when I write about my friends, when they make me angry,

but it doesn't mean that I don't love them.

And you know, I write a lot about boys.

I've fantasized quite a lot about about, um…

…doctors, teachers, actors, pop stars…

…any man that I've come in contact with in any way really.

But, well, some more than others.

So, um… Well, that's the truth.

So, thanks, thanks for listening.

Hello… Hello…

I need to say something! I need to say something!

Izzy, I fucking love you.

That's the truth. I love you. Come here!

I need… I need to say something.

I'm uh…

Uh, I'm just so pleased to be included in your special day,

a wonderful celebration.

Come here, Rae.

That was very brave of you.

You look like you're having nice time.

I'm having an awful time, Rae.

Why, what happened?

My best friend never came to my wedding.

[breathes deeply

I had to think about everything today.

And I know this morning I said I was fine

about the letters and about Dad but…

I'm not fine.

I don't think I've been fine for years.

Well…

I wrote them because

I wanted to make you feel

like you had someone there.

Mum, I did have someone there.

Have I still got chance to be part of this family?

Rae… you are this family.

I love you more than anything on earth.

If I didn't, I'd be in Tunisia

where it's 30 bloody degrees everyday.

Come here…

Mum. We'll never be a hugging family will we?

Can I have the bride and groom, please. The bride and groom!

That's me, so come on!

Hi, everyone. Hi, again…

Thank you for coming to celebrate our wedding,

we really appreciate it

and wondered if you would join us in our first dance.

It's a really special song for us.

I can't believe you just did that.

Listen, Chloe, the things you read,

like the things about Archie…

I don't care what you tell people about me,

but you can't say anything about anyone else. It's not fair.

What things?

Look, Rae, what I said in there, I didn't mean it.

You can have it back.

This is what you were angry about?

Wouldn't you be angry if your best mate

said you didn't deserve someone!

What are you laughing at?

- Chloe… - What?

I didn't mean it.

Well, me and Finn aren't going out now anyway.

We spoke about it and we just decided we're different people.

Now, we both know that's total bollocks.

It's 'cause he's not interested.

So your welcome to him, I guess.

Am I a bitch, Rae?

Everyone can be a bitch.

Yeah, but some more than others, isn't it?

Chloe… you're not a bitch.

Alright then, I'm not!

- Are you coming in? - Yeah.

I'd like to give you all the precious gift

of one of the greatest song of all time.

And if anyone asks you who made you rock out to this,

you tell them it was Arnold Peters.

Yeah?

♪ How many special people change ♪

♪ How many lives are living strange ♪

♪ Where were you while we were getting high? ♪

- Archie… - Yeah?

♪ Slowly walking down the hall ♪

- Where's Finn? - He said something about going to the Chippy.

♪ Where were you while we were getting high? ♪

♪ Some day you will find me

Finn.

Why didn't you tell me?

I'm so sorry.

I want to tell you something.

What?

I'm no good with words. I'm no good with speaking.

Finn… don't say that if you don't mean it.

I don't believe you.

I don't… I don't care if you don't believe me.

So what now?

Your Auntie Bet's got terrible spelling.

"Congratulations on your weeding"?

Aww, thanks for the wedding card, Rae!

What wedding card?

The one you left on your desk.

Oh, fuck!

That's not for you.

Oh, it's for your other mum, is it?

You talk more random than duck's shite sometimes, you.

They are… um… it is there home in…

They had born… They're born…

So, why don't you tell me how you're feeling?

Same old.

I just wish I could make Tix better.

It's a really good sign that she made it through the night.

So I don't get where I am.

I tried to do something stupid.

So do you think I need to come back into the hospital?

No.

So do you think I'm better?

No.

So what?

I think you're ready to start therapy.