Original subtitles

Dear Diary,

Lust has taken over.

No matter what is going on in my life

there is only one thing allowed inside my head right now.

And his name is Finn.

And that's because I kissed him.

Well, technically, kissed him.

Let me explain…

As you know, I kissed Archie.

This is before I knew he was gay so it that still counts.

Archie kissed a girl, reluctantly, called Tracey Croft.

Tracey Croft shared a bit of her kebab and tongue with Chop.

Bleh…

Chop unknowingly kissed Izzy up near Rutland Waters.

Whoever that was can't kiss. It was like kissing a bloody corpse.

Izzy locked lips minutes later with a girl called Julia Fisher.

Now that's how you kiss someone.

Whoo!

And finally, Julia Fisher kissed my Finn.

So there, technically, we have sort of kissed.

Simple.

- Maybe you're in love? - I'm not in love.

How many men do I fancy per week?

Well, this sounds different.

It's not different. And I'm not in love.

I don't even know him. I used to think he was shallow.

And maybe he is.

Maybe I'm just confused because I want him to tickle my kidneys.

What's he like?

Well, he's got this shy

but would be nuclear in bed thing going on.

He really likes music… and… oh, bollocks! Hide!

What the hell is he doing here?!

I thought you said he was shallow?

I think I might be about to commit a sex crime.

I think I might be your accomplice.

…bollocks!

I'm in love, aren't I?

Rae, it's Chloe… again.

Look, we should meet up.

We've got a lot to chat about, so please call me back.

That's it.

What the hell is going on?

We've installed a chin up bar in your doorway.

- Why? - Karim says it's the strongest doorway in the house.

You can't do that!

Rae, he can't leave the house, remember,

and he's got to stay in shape if he wants to keep me interested.

There's no point arguing with you, is there?

No, not really. Not unless you want to pay the mortgage.

Dear Diary, It's been over a decade

since a man's lived in this house.

Now I have a six-foot tall Tunisian sweating in my doorway.

I give it two weeks before mum scares him off.

This came for you.

Just look at my dad.

My mum is so annoying that when they split up

he moved to the Outer Hebrides.

He sent me a couple of postcards a year since I was six.

He never leaves a return address.

Says he doesn't want to stand on my mum's toes.

"Dear Rae,"

I always imagine him to have a Scottish accent.

I'm not sure why.

I think he was born in Derby.

"I just wanted to drop you a card

to say that I'm thinking of you.

Stay out of trouble. Lots of love, Victor (Dad)."

He always finishes with a piece of life advice.

"P.S. He who is dishonest only ever lies to himself.

The truthful path is the only one that leads to happiness."

Rae!

What does that look mean?

You mean you don't know?

I thought you knew what was going on in my head at every moment?

Maybe I do, and I want you to tell me.

I'm just… tired of being a phony.

I feel like I've been carrying around this big backpack of bullshit for months.

It's exhausting, you know?

When I told Chloe I'd been ill I felt nervous.

And then angry because she walked out.

But afterwards…

…I felt like I'd put down the big of bullshit for a while.

- Relief? - Right. Relief.

I want to be like a new Rae!

- No more backpack? - Exactly!

And I want us to be able to talk about anything.

Be really honest with each other.

I mean, why not?

I'm loving the new Rae.

So what do you want to talk about?

First of all, I think I'm in love.

Ooh, ooh. What happened?

I dunno. I feel… sick. I feel like I'm floating.

Like a warm breeze could just blow me off the face of the earth.

Oh, yeah, it sounds like love to me.

So, what do I do?

What would the new Rae do?

New Rae needed a manifesto of honesty.

Tell Finn I kind of, sort of love him.

Tell Chloe everything that happened.

Tell everyone I was ill?

This is crazy. He's like looking at porn.

As if he's ever gonna like me.

Rae!

What… What you doing here?

Just came for a walk.

Just keeping it real. Keeping it busy. Real busy.

So how was Knebworth then?

- Crap. - Liar.

I was gutted you couldn't come.

Finn, I wanted to tell you something…

I wanted to talk to you too, actually.

Look, I'm sorry I was a bit of a dick when we first met.

I just… I got you wrong, I guess.

I didn't know you were sound.

Finn!

Anyway… Look I better go.

Oh… my… Lord,

I am never using this hand again, for anything.

Well, maybe for one thing.

Rae, thank God! Look, don't panic, nobody is panicking…

…but me and Karim, we've got to leave the country.

What?!

We think someone's tipped off immigration.

- Who? - Fucking Sally Crowther's mum.

Tess who works behind the lottery counter at Food Giant, right?

Said she was asking questions about the "exotic man" who lives here.

What exactly do you mean you're leaving the country?

I'm buggering off! Outside of England, to Tunisia.

This is crazy.

No, no, it's alright… It's only for three nights.

It is not like we're going on holiday.

Oh, Karim, make sure you bring the camera! Cam-er-a!

I'm really not happy leaving you.

Are you sure you're gonna be alright?

- I'll be fine. - No, maybe I shouldn't go?

'Cause last time you were on your own…

It's not like last time.

I'm much better than I was.

Mum, you're scaring me!

Taxi man! Taxi man!

Out the way… No parties.

I've asked Mrs. Dewhurst to keep an eye on you,

and I'm gonna ring Kester to make sure have can bring forward your second appointment.

No parties. I've left a list of things by the kettle.

Go to the hospital if you don't feel well. Bye, love.

No parties.

What should you do when the bane of your existence finally pisses off for a bit?

Maybe I'll just start with a movie and some ice cream.

- How long is she away for? - She's back on Thursday.

What's that?

It's a present. To say sorry.

I was a mess when you came around to mine.

Well, I was a twat… really.

Come here.

So, what happened with Stephen?

Well, we dragged it out for another three hours…

…is what happened.

But I don't want to talk about that.

- So… - So…

I guess I never finished telling you what happened to me.

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's fine.

No, I want to.

You said you hurt yourself.

I was just um…

It was March.

My mum was on nights.

I'd be at school in the day, I'd come back

and my tea would be in the oven and a note.

I didn't see her for three or four days.

It was too quiet.

Time to think about things… Time to think about things…

Like my mind started screaming…

Like my mind started screaming…

Getting into weird patterns… Getting into weird patterns…

Weird repetitions. Random bad thoughts…

Something broke inside me.

And the weight of one thing just pulled everything else apart.

Pulled everything else apart… Pulled everything else apart… Pulled everything else apart…

Rae, why did you do that?

I don't know.

Something must have made you do it?

What were you thinking about?

I don't know. I think sometimes people just go crazy.

But it doesn't matter; I'm not like that anymore.

I'm getting better.

You sure?

Yeah… yeah, I am.

Good.

I've decided I'm gonna tell everyone.

Why?

I just feel like a phony. I'm tired of having secrets.

Rae, everyone's got secrets.

I need to do this.. for me.

OK.

One down, two to go.

Bollocks to the saliva tree.

I needed to give him some of my real saliva.

On which ever part of his body he wanted.

And if being honest might make this happen,

it was time to truth the fuck up.

- Anyway, then he hugged me. - Shirtless?

Ahh… He smelt like boy sweat and CK One,

I thought my ovaries were gonna explode.

So you still gonna tell him you like him…?

You're heading towards the friend zone.

What?

You're heading towards the friend zone.

What the hell are you talking about?

So, this is basically the zone where Finn's friends live.

And this is the zone were Finn's romantic possibilities live.

And this… is you Rae…

You're getting to know the guy,

and you're going to end up in one of these two areas.

Now tell me, which area do you want to end up in?

- Tix? - She wants to be in the romantic zone.

Correct, Tix, she want's to be in the romantic zone.

But at the moment, Rae, you are heading over here.

But we hugged!

Exactly, that's exactly my point!

Who do you ever hug? Your gran? Your mum? Your mates?

AKA, people who you have no romantic interest in whatsoever.

So go on then. How do I make it to the romantic zone?

First off, as a general rule, no hugging!

OK? No hugging.

Then all you have to do is act like you don't like him.

Treat him mean to keep him keen.

What am I 11-years-old or something?

It'll create tension, and tension…

…tension is the key to getting here.

Why can't I just be honest with him?

Look, take it or leave it.

Danny knows what he's talking about.

Thanks, Tix. See me after class for some extra-curricular shenanigans.

Tix, do you fancy him?

Chloe… have you ever heard of the Friend Zone?

Heard of it? You're looking at it right now.

Do you think they like each other?

Izzy definitely likes Chop. I reckon Chop likes Izzy.

I just don't think he knows it yet.

Do you think they'll ever go out with each other?

I doubt it. There's no way out of the Friend Zone, Rae.

How are ya?

- Stop! - What?

I really need to talk to Archie.

What was all that about?

Right, so are you going to tell me

what happened with that guy you fancy?

- So we kissed. - Oh, filth.

But… I just…

There was nothing.

What do you mean?

I'm shitting it, Rae.

I've kissed girls and I've kissed boys, and I've felt nothing.

I'm starting to think I've got no sexuality.

Archie, how can you have no sexuality,

especially when you were peeping all the time.

- I did that three times! - You said it was--

Alright… less than ten times!

I'm just a bit of a mess right now.

Archie, come here.

- Alright, love birds. - Hey, Chop.

Where's Finn?

He's on the phone to his mum. His gran's not well.

Don't say… but he's pretty cut up about it.

Here he is, the big knob head.

So, Raemundo.

A little birdy tells me that you've got an empty!

Chop!

What, I didn't tell her who told me!

Anyway, you know what I'm thinking?

No! No! No parties.

I'm not talking any old party… I'm talking a sexy party.

What's a sexy party?

It's exactly the same as a normal party,

but everyone brings sleeping bags

and no one asks any questions in the morning.

Oh, so it's basically like a sleepover, yeah?

Can I borrow a duvet, Rae? I haven't got a sleeping bag.

Oh, no, 'cause we're not having a party! Sexy or otherwise!

Oh, my God, Finn, show everyone your love letter.

- Finn's got an admirer. - What?

Let's see it! Let's see it!

Pink?

"Dear Finn, You are so fit and lovely.

I want to make you mine. Love from, X."

Let's have a look.

Who would even send a love letter? That is so stupid.

Well, it's franked from Lincolnshire so it must be a local girl.

But all letters are stamped Lincolnshire if that's where they're delivered.

What? Letters are stamped where they're sent from, not sent to.

You aren't serious?

You're 16-years-old and you think letters

are stamped where they're sent to?

That's what my mum said.

I'm joking!

Diary, maybe I wasn't the only one

with a backpack full of bullshit.

Maybe most people had at least a pocket full of bullshit on them at all times.

But that didn't mean everyone did.

And it didn't mean I had to.

In some ways I never wanted to see my mum's face ever again.

In some ways I couldn't wait

for her to get back, so I could finally destroy her.

- Chop. - Hi, Rae!

So how do you host a sexy party?

Whoo! Yes!

Ooh, hello. Hello.

Alright, Rae.

How's it going?

- How 'bout a kiss? - Yeah, hey.

Hey…

Hey, Rae, give us a hug.

No, I've got a no hugging policy.

You just hugged Archie.

Yeah, I just implemented it in the last three seconds.

Chop, what are you doing? I said come around at 7:00! You're three hours early!

I just thought it'd give you all the better time to bed in.

Bed in? Chop, sexy parties aren't as big as normal parties, are they?

No, it's very much an intimate affair.

Just a few guests. Don't you worry.

Chloe…

- What? - I'm not sure.

What?

I've got a bit of a problem.

What's up?

- I've got therapy in an hour. - Skip it.

I can't.

Right, so what are you gonna tell them lot?

Bollocks to it. I'm just gonna tell them all.

Rae, Rae, Rae, I've thought about that and I don't think you should.

Why not? They're my friends, Chloe, they're not gonna judge me.

You didn't.

They might treat you differently.

Besides it is none of their business.

But I'm sick of lying.

- Rae, everyone lies. - I don't believe that.

- Chloe, I can't believe that. - No, Rae, listen to me.

They might not understand.

Are you sure you want to take that risk?

Look, don't.

- Everyone! - There we go.

I've um… got to nip out for a bit.

So don't trash the place.

What? Where you going?

She's got to go to her uncle's

to get some more booze.

- Sweet. - Sweet.

Can't fault you.

Rae, Rae. I've got some tunes here that you might not have.

Right, just stick 'em by the rest of the CD's then.

I don't want to step on your toes music wise.

I know you like to think you've got superior knowledge of music and all that.

Yeah, right, whatever. I've got to go.

Alright. See ya later, buddy.

"Buddy?"

- Buddy. - This is not good.

You're at the very brink of the border of the friend zone.

You know, you're at the checkpoint.

- So what do I do? - You need tension.

You're need to do something drastic.

You need to make him see you in a romantic way.

I'll come to the party. I'll pretend to be your ex-boyfriend.

I'll tell everyone how amazing you were when we were going out.

- How good in bed-- - What?!

- Why not?! - Because it's just more bullshit!

I don't give a shit that's why!

Please, just keep your voice down. This is where I work.

Don't tell me to keep my voice down.

What do you want me to say?

I don't want you to say anything.

I tried, there's no point.

What are we gonna do about the car?

I need this for work. Oh, for fuck's sake.

So how's the new Rae thing going?

I don't think everyone's ready for the new Rae.

Well, they better start getting ready.

So how you coping with your mum being away?

The first time you've been on your own

since the night you came in, right?

Yeah, but that was only bad because there was

no one there to stop me sinking.

What started you sinking?

I was just alone and miserable.

It's just random bad thoughts, isn't it?

No. Behavior, it's not chaotic.

Being on your own that night was just the trigger.

What we need to figure out is why you don't like yourself.

We need to start digging deeper.

Looking at things in your past and seeing how you've made sense of them.

Things you might not have thought about for years.

You said that being honest made you feel better.

Well, this is about really honesty, painfully so.

About being honest with yourself.

You know you can talk to me about stuff, don't you?

What do you mean?

I mean what've you been up to the last few days?

Oh, not much.

My life isn't as interesting as yours.

Has anything happened?

Nope. Nothing's happened. My life's very dull.

So we can talk about anything as long as it's to do with me?

That's just the way it is.

I'm sorry, have I missed something here?

Just forget it.

OK, so let's go back to the night you came in.

Let's just start with examining how you were feeling, what you were thinking.

I can't remember.

You can't remember what happened?

Nope.

Well, that's quite common.

A lot of people have…

Why should you be honest?

Why should you ever tell anyone anything?

Adults will tell you that you should always be truthful,

but they're as full of it as everyone else.

But it's all in there somewhere.

I'm sure it is.

Look can we finish early today? I've got something on.

Chop…

Chop! Chop! What happened?!

Yeah, the numbers seem to have swelled up a bit.

But I know everyone here, personally, I can vouch for every single one of them.

- Who's that then? - Hannah.

- Alright… Who's that? - Hannah?

Alright, so I don't know everyone.

For example… he's definitely not from Stamford.

- Danny! - Hey, there she is!

I've been telling everybody about when we were going out, you know.

About our romantic break in Staffordshire.

- What? - Anyway, like I said,

even though we'd bought a two day pass to Alton Towers

we didn't really want to leave the hotel room.

I've still never been on the Corkscrew.

- Rae, that is so wild. - Good… Good times.

Rae, come on.

The next thing I know, I was at reception, and she was like,

"Can you keep the noise down a bit,

like, we've had some complaints from next door.

Well, that's a little bollocks, isn't it?

Isn't it?

Why didn't you tell me you were going out with someone at the hospital?

How did you know he was from the hospital?

I dunno, he's a bit odd.

So I told them to turn the TV up.

Or go to out and enjoy the park like the rest of the people are doing.

Do you know what I mean? It's that simple isn't it?

Listen Rae… Listen… Please don't make me leave.

It's so boring back at the hospital.

- Danny… - Listen, I've been telling

everybody what an amazing lover you are.

You know, not too gentle, not too strong.

That perfect harmonious pitch between giving and greedy.

- Right, Danny… you can stay. - OK.

- Just don't do anything crazy. - But I am crazy.

I've got a certificate from the government that proves it.

Listen, does no one know you've been ill?

I'm gonna tell them in my own time.

Just promise me, yeah?

I promise. Scouts honor.

Archie, who's Finn talking to?

Dunno, maybe he found out who sent him that love letter.

Rae, mind if I use your phone to ring home?

There's one in my mum's room.

I'm going to freshen up, so I'll show you where it is.

You're being way too subtle. Remember, he's a boy, we don't do subtle.

Ignore him. You need tension!

- Is this where the party is? - No.

Come on! We ain't gonna cause any trouble.

Is everything alright here, Rae?

- Who's this midget? - I'm her ex-boyfriend.

Jesus, you poor fucker.

Is there gonna be a problem here?

Yeah, there is gonna be a problem.

What you gonna do about it?

I don't know.

I'm a bit mental, you see,

I'm a bit unpredictable.

Right, well, why don't you piss off inside

before I get unpredictable.

What do you lot want?

Nothing we just want to have a drink and that.

You're not welcome.

Listen, I told my brother about Finn last week

and he said if any of you ever touch me again

he's gonna knock you out.

Yeah, well, you're not coming in.

I guess we'll just stand here all night then.

Alright.

Jog on, you big bunch of fannies!

You fucking scumbag!

- Go on. Fuck off! - Oh, my God.

Right! Right! Right!

We'll have a couple of rounds of normal spin the bottle.

Just as a warm up. Then we can spice things up a bit.

You know he only organizes things like this so he can get off with someone, don't you?

Rae?

Rae?!

What?

Seriously, are you deaf?

Chill out, I couldn't hear you.

Of course, you could hear me.

Alright. One, two, three…

- The almighty Barnstable. - Yes…

Next one, next one.

Archibald!

I'm not even playing, mate, no.

No…

So… so who's this Danny guy then?

- What's it to you? - It's not to me.

I just wondered what school he went to.

Or if he's from around here.

No, he's not from around here.

Ready?

- Go and get me a drink. - What?

- Quick. Now! - Get your own drink.

Go on, mate!

Get in there!

Right, right! No messing about. We're upping the stakes.

Couples have to go in the landing cupboard together, for a minute.

No exceptions, you cheeky little…

Raemundo! She's going in the cupboard of lust.

But who will it be with? Ohh!

One, two, three…

I wished for Archie,

we could just go in there and chat.

I wished for Chop, just a friendly fumble.

I just wished for someone who wouldn't be disappointed that they had to kiss me.

Oh, my God, what if it's Finn?

What if my breath smells? What if I burp in his mouth?

It won't be Finn… It won't be Finn… It won't be Finn…

Oh, shit!

- Rae… - Yeah?

Why are you being such a complete knobhead to me?

Sorry?

Did I do something to annoy you?

No… I just…

Then why you mugging me off all the time?

I apologized for being a bit funny with you when we met,

but that's because I didn't know you.

Not one minute you're dead nice to me,

and then the next you're just being totally rude.

I'm not trying to be rude.

Then maybe it just comes naturally to you.

I thought we were getting on.

Thirty seconds left, love birds!

It's not as simple as that is it?

It is as simple as that, Rae,

either we're friends or we're not friends.

Maybe I don't want to be your friend.

You what?

Maybe… I don't want to be your friend…

Why not?

Hey… who's next?!

If you're struggling for somewhere to sleep tonight

there's enough room in my sleeping bag.

Oh, really? Really?

I'm not been funny, but can we stop playing this now?

No. I've not kissed anyone yet!

Are you sure you're still capable of still kissing someone?

I don't even think anyone else is even playing.

- I'm playing. - Oh, well, great,

you two just kiss each other and everyone can chill out.

What? Izzy? Jesus…

Fine.

it's like kissing a corpse.

Mingy.

Chop… Where's Finn?

Finn?

Oh, shit!

Oh, Finn, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry…

It's alright.

I thought you weren't having a party?

I wanted to piss my mum off.

- You alright? - Yeah, I suppose.

You'd have liked my nan. She was always talking about something.

- What you trying to say? - Nothing!

Just you're always banging on about it…

You cheeky bas…

No, I mean in a good way!

I like it! I like talking to you.

And I don't like talking to anybody…

So are we alright?

Yeah. We're alright.

You alright? You seem happy today.

I'm gay, Rae. I'm gay.

- And pleased about it? - Fucking delirious.

Churchill… Where's Tix?

It was… it was something about.

Danny… Danny, it's Rae.

I've had a great time.

It's just nice to get out of the hospital, isn't it?

It was noisy, wasn't it? It was… something.

- Yeah… - It was about something… it was noise. Loud.

- Yeah, right… come on… - Noise, music…

- Will he be alright? - Yeah, he's fine.

You need your hat back.

No, mate, it's yours. You can keep it.

- …I'll see you later. - See ya.

- Thanks. Bye! - Bye.

Bye. Yeah.

Alright, I'll give you a ring this week, yeah?

Alright, cool.

I hope he's gonna be alright.

Yeah, he'll be fine when he gets back.

Chloe, listen. I was thinking…

You know about me telling everyone…

Let's just keep it between us.

OK.

So what happened with you and Finn in the cupboard last night?

- It was interesting. - Can I tell you something?

What?

It was me who sent that letter to Finn.

What? When did you do that?

When I broke up with Stephen.

I just wanted to feel normal. Be involved in something normal.

- Does that even make sense? - No.

The more I spent time with him this week, I don't know… I just…

I think there's something about him.

- Do you know what I mean? - Definitely not.

- Watch this space anyway. - No.

- What? - What?

Do you like anyone at the minute?

No…

- No? - No…

Maybe some bullshit is best kept in your pocket.

Or your backpack.

Or even your Olympic-sized swimming pool.

The weather here is relentless.

They've called off the local games.

No cable tossing for this year…

Don't know if you've heard of a rock band called Oasis?

Anyway, I'm rocking out. You'd be embarrassed.

I hope school is OK. I was terrible at school.

Don't feel bad if you get frustrated with your exams.

It's a really difficult time.

But know that I love you.

I care about you so much even though it may not seem like it.

Hiya…!

- Hello! - We're back.

Oh, my God. Right, I'm gonna put a brew on.

Karim, tell her.

Uh… we are…

- Married! - Yes, marriage!

Married!

Oh, think about it, Rae. No more sneaking about!

Karim can stay. What do you think?

I know it's a bit sudden. But we had no choice really…

Is everything alright?

What?

Congratulations.