Original subtitles

Dear Diary,

It had been two days since the pool party

and still Chloe hadn't mentioned the hospital tag.

Rae.

But I had a terrible feeling that was all about to change.

Thanks for meeting, sweets.

I just really need to talk to you about something.

I think I've got a boyfriend.

I thought you wanted to talk about something serious.

Well, it is serious, Rae. Proper serious.

It's not Archie is it!?

No, it's not Archie. It's someone who…

I can't tell you, babe. Not yet.

But, I just wanted you to know because you're my bessie,

and I hate keeping secrets from you.

- Don't be like that. - Like what?

Rae, you will find a boyfriend.

How? How will I ever find a boyfriend?

Right, come here, sit down.

My sister used to be big.

So I know what this is like.

And I know that boys don't like it.

And it's not right but that's just the way they are.

You know, they think if they go out with someone who's big

then the other lads will just take the piss.

I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

Come, here… Come on, I want a hug.

I am a body dismorphic without the dismorphic.

I am a bulimic without the sick.

I am fat.

- You alright, Finn? - I suppose.

I'm fine, by the way.

Rae!

Oh, my God, Archie,

the tyrannosaurus of sexiness, was coming to sit next to me.

I wanted him to treat me like that little goat in Jurassic Park

and just eat me whole.

Save me from this conversation. Please.

Why? What's everyone talking about?

Orgasms!

That would be my specialist subject on Mastermind.

I've never had an orgasm.

It's exactly the same as sneezing eight times.

- …bollocks. - It's true.

And when I come, I come with thunder, pal.

Once you get him out, the swat team cannot get him back in.

What about the girls you're doing it with?

Ask Sam Moffat, mate. I threw her around that Renault 5

like she was an empty shell suit.

Why do you have to be such a horrible boy all the time!

Chill… Stop hitting me! It's not nice.

I'm not saying I've done everything…

…like an orgasm is like a gateway.

You can never go back through.

Like, it sets you free as a person. Doesn't it?

Totally.

I've got an idea, why don't we all talk about

our best sexual or romantic experiences?

- Great! I'll go first. - No, Rae, you go first.

I forgot, um, I've got to put the tea on for my mum. I'm sorry, guys.

Rae, come on, I'll get you a drink.

No, it's alright.

Come on, you've only just got here.

What are you making?

Thanks to Chloe, it was now clear to everyone

that I had never done anything sexual or romantic.

The 15th of July, 1996. Something had to be done.

One: Pass through mystical orgasm gateway.

Two: See someone naked.

Three: Kiss someone.

Must be human.

- I didn't even see anything. - She saw everything.

Rae did you see Mrs. Dewhurst's… credentials?

- She's always peeping. - I didn't peep!

- You did! - Were you staring at her?

No, I opened the curtains

- and she was just standing there… naked. - I beg your pardon.

- I beg your pardon. - I'm very sorry.

You were… fed up with it.

Why would I peep, what is there to even peep at?

Rae, be quiet!

It was typical.

The first time I catch a glimpse

of another person's bits

and it's my 76-year-old neighbor's.

A romantic milestone burnt into my retinas.

Right. First off, Rae isn't going to peep any more--

But I didn't peep!

Just…

Second off, she'll run a few errands

for you to apologize for any embarrassment.

How's that?

Living in the totalitarian state of mum

was worse than being in prison.

At least there are laws to protect prisoners.

Any kind of human right I am entitled to

is always swept away by one single phrase.

And don't pull that face at me, Rachel Earl.

So long as you live under my roof you live by my rules.

My mum's in a sham relationship. She's going out with this guy.

And he's like… handsome and fit and stuff.

But she… she's like me.

She's a blob. A blob with a gob.

Is that how you see yourself?

It's how I am.

Tell me some things that you like about yourself.

Anything.

I can't think of anything.

Alright, if I was to ask one of your friends

what they liked about you? What do you think they'd say?

They'd say, "What the bloody hell are you asking me that for?"

I've noticed that every time you come into this room

you take the longer way around to that chair.

I thought maybe you're trying to avoid the mirror over the there.

Hmm… Maybe you should open a detective agency.

Yeah, maybe I should.

Hardly anyone likes looking in the mirror.

In fact, no one likes looking in a mirror.

You know what, Rae, I'm 47-years-old and I still get blackheads.

I've got bags under my eyes that make me look like I've battled a life long addiction to heroin.

Now having said that, I do look fantastic.

Yeah, I look great.

You know what, perfect wouldn't be a stretch too far.

I think I look perfect.

Are you trying to make me hate you?

I want you to make it your mission to look in the mirror everyday.

And no matter how many things you see that you don't like

I want you to say something positive about yourself.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Do you know what, it's just weird.

Is it more or less weird than being physically unable to look at your own reflection?

- I'm not doing it. - All I'm asking is that you--

I'm not fucking doing it.

What do you like about me?

- I like everything about you. - Mm, be more specific.

I can't. There's nothing I don't like about you.

You're lovely… but unhelpful.

- Tix! - Danny.

What?

Danny, let go of her arm!

Tix! Stop!

Tix, I said I'm sorry, Tix, I forgot. Tix, I'm sorry.

No! No one touch her!

Danny, just let go of her arms!

But she'll hit me again!

She won't, just stop touching her!

Tixxy.

Broken people fall to bits sometimes.

That's what they do. But I am not broken. Not anymore.

It's alright, it's alright.

Why did she look at me like that when she gave me my prescription?

Like, it's just the pill, it's no big deal.

I think she looks at everyone like that.

I once bought a whistling lollipop from there,

and she looked at me like I'd farted

in an empty bag of Monster Munch

and squashed it in her face.

Nah, it's because it was the pill, I know it.

I can't believe I'm gonna be doing it, Rae.

This weekend! Shit!

Shit!

So are we gonna talk about the pool party?

What about the pool party?

I found that hospital tag thing…

I wished for the ground to swallow me up,

for a piano to fall from the heavens and crush Chloe deep into the earth.

But the weird thing was something even more incredible happened…

- Oy, oy! - Hi, Archie!

Hi.

Rae, I wanted to talk to you at the boozer last night

but you left before I could speak to you.

I just wanted to know if you wanted to come out

for a drink with me tomorrow night. Just me and you.

Wasn't expecting that! What to say?

Yeah… Fuck yeah… A thousand fucks yeah!

- Is that a yes or a no? - Yeah.

Why not?

Cool. I'll meet you at The Swan at 8ish.

When are you allowed back to the ward?

Kester says I have to prove to him that I'm not gonna freak out again.

Let's talk about something else.

So tell me about Archie.

Well…

He's an Aries, which is perfect because I'm a Sagittarius.

He prefers Oasis to Blur but he quite liked Park Life

because it reminded him of a holiday that he had in Corfu.

And he wants to study history at university,

'cause he wants to be like a historian,

and he's always coming out with these amazing quotes from Alexander the Great and stuff.

Tix, this could be it. This could be the real thing.

I would be nervous about it though.

Boys move pretty fast, don't they?

He might want to touch you.

Uh, Tix, are you forgetting that I really want him to?

Yeah, but think about it.

You could be naked in front of each other tonight.

You could be looking at him naked thinking…

What do I do now? What do I do with… that?

What if I do something to it that it doesn't like?

And that's not forgetting the fact that you'll be naked.

I would be bricking it, Rae. Aren't you bricking it?

Oh, my God!

Bollocks to looking in a mirror

and whispering sweet nothings to myself.

If I wanted Archie to touch me

it was imperative that there was a lot less of me to touch.

Oh, Christ! I am the tyrannosaurus of sex.

Clever girl…

Something must be done.

Only one album would get my fat ass moving.

It was time for greatness.

Oy! Jabba the Jogger.

Bollocks!

How can I weigh more!

Mum?

Sit down, Rachel.

Stamford is a small town, Rae.

People talk.

Have you got something you want to tell me?

No.

Not even in regards… this.

That's for my mum.

Not even in regards… these.

Don't look at me. They're for my mum.

It's not even that you spreading rumors

that I'm some kind of sex maniac.

It's that to be a sex maniac you have to have a man.

And as the man I've got is currently on the run from

immigration, it's not something I want spread around town.

- I… um… - It's not just those things.

It's the fact that I come home after a long day

cleaning up the sick and the piss

of the infirmed and injured to find…

That you have thrown away

£35's worth of confectionery for no reason!

- I uh… - Shush!

I don't know what game you're playing at,

but you are grounded for 24 hours, effective immediately.

- I can't! I'm meeting some… - Put… your keys… on… the table.

He's waiting for me. He's waiting for me…

Some skinny bitch will see him all alone at the bar,

dry his tears and shag him in the toilets.

Alright, I'm coming!

Archie?

Oh, I'm wearing a toweling rainbow!

I look like a tube of toothpaste.

- Rae, what happened? - I'm really sorry, Archie.

- My mum won't let me come out. - Why?

Because I threw away a few of her chocolate bars.

Let's go out now. I won't tell her.

I dunno… she knows everyone in Stamford.

If we go to the pub she'll only find out.

I know somewhere else we can go.

Alright, wait here. Two minutes.

There aren't many good things about working early shifts at a leisure center…

But there are some.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can't hear a thing,

just keep that pretty mouth moving…

That was really what put an end to the sport.

If it hadn't been for that maybe we'd have jousting areas

in leisure centers all over Britain, ey?

Yeah.

Am I being boring again?

No… I like listening to you talk about stuff.

It was incredible what Archie's tongue felt like.

Like a small, warm animal darting around inside my mouth.

In that one kiss I was so free.

Free of people telling me what to do.

Free of hospitals. Free of myself.

Archie… your hand's on my boob.

- Does it feel good? - Yeah, it's alright.

- Cool. - Yeah.

Will you be allowed out tomorrow?

Yeah, I'm on parole tomorrow.

Well, if you can, meet me tomorrow evening for tea in the cafe outside the cinema.

My parents are away at the moment so…

Well, afterwards maybe we can go back to mine?

See ya!

It was too good to be true.

If it wasn't for the fact that I'd found two new spots

I'd think I was dreaming.

Someone likes me. Not just someone.

Archie, the Professor of Horn likes me.

I don't get it but I love, love, love it!

Rae! Guess who I've just been speaking to?

- Who? - Mrs. Dewhurst.

Guess who she saw coming in at one o'clock in the morning with a boy last night?

- Who? - I don't know when you thought that going out with a boy

and doing God knows what 'til God knows when…

Why is it alright for you to have a boyfriend but not for me?

I have to put up with Karim every bloody day.

Get in there… Get in…

And what's wrong with Karim?

He's constantly in a state of semi-nudity.

Why is he even here? Why is he going out with you?

I just don't get it.

There's nothing to get. He loves me.

Fair enough.

Do you know, I am sick to the back teeth

of you taking the piss out of me.

I'm your mum.

Not your school friend, not your sister, your mum.

- Are we done? - No we're not done.

You're grounded.

Not just for today. Not just for tomorrow.

But for forever until I say stop.

You can't do that.

I can do that. 'Cause this is my house and you're living--

It might be your house. And I might live under your roof.

But you're not grounding me. End of.

Three weeks ago, Rae, you were in a psychiatric ward.

It's my job to keep an eye on you,

to make sure you don't do too much, too soon.

To make sure you don't break again.

But you know what, fine…

You obviously know better than me.

Do what you want.

Chop, you are talking absolute bollocks.

Orgasms are mint. A sneeze isn't even nice.

So how can eight of them be an orgasm? It doesn't make sense.

It's pound-for-pound, it has the same physical impact.

I read it in a textbook alright? So just drop it.

- Prove it. - Alright, I will do!

Go on. Rack up a line of pepper, and see if you can snort it.

- I got one there. - I'll do it right now.

- Get it right up your nose. - Watch me go.

Rae! How was the date with Archie? Tell me everything!

You didn't let him touch your lady parts, did you Raemundo?

What are you doing?

Nothing happened. I told you that nothing would happen.

Yeah, nothing happened… but we did have a bit of a kiss though.

Ohh! You two are so perfect for each other.

Raemundo, you saucy little tartlet you!

You little ratty tiger! Get out of it…

Chop, it was only a kiss!

Bollocks to that. Your faces totally had sex with each other.

Right… It was kinda cool. But big deal. So we kissed.

I can't believe you're so chilled about it.

Well, you know… But Izzy, it was so…

Girls. I need to talk to you! Toilets. Now!

Have a bit more, mate.

- I had sex last night! - Yay! On, my God.

What was it like? Who was it with?

Oh, I'm sorry, babe, I still can't tell you who it is

because we just want everything to not be in the public domain at the moment.

- Yeah. - You know…

Oh, it was perfect!

I got to his house about half eightish.

He only lives in a sodding barn conversion!

Oh, my God!

I know, so when I got there we had like a little bit of dinner.

- What did you eat? - Just a sandwich.

- He made you a sandwich?! - Yeah.

- What kind of sandwich? - Cheese and Branston.

Anyway, he only goes and sticks on a Phil Collins album.

Which Phil Collins album?

The one with "Coming in the Air Tonight" on it. Obviously…

- Face Value? - Yeah…

- Oh, yeah. - I think so. Doesn't matter anyway.

Because we were only half way through the first song when he took me upstairs.

What was his bedroom like?

He was a bit weird about taking me in there.

So he laid me out on a towel

on the landing in front of the airing cupboard.

And, well… you know the rest.

Classic Chloe.

Rae! Tell Chloe your news!

It's nothing compared to…

I kissed Archie last night.

Oh, my God! How?

Well… We just put our faces together.

Obviously?

It turns out he proper fancies me.

Archie's really hot.

Correct.

So what else happened?

Well, there was a bit of touching when we were kissing.

As standard, you know?

What else?

He fingered me eight times.

- Yay! - What?!

- Shit. Fucking hell, Rae. - Yeah.

- Under your jeans? - Over my jeans.

- Oh, that still counts. - Totally still counts.

- On, my God. - Yeah!

- Oh, that's so good. - And um, well,

we're going on another date tonight.

- Really? - Yeah.

His parents are away so

I'm probably going to be doing it.

Holy shit, Rae! Are you ready for that?

- We should do a make over! - Definitely a makeover.

- Please… - No! No! I don't do makeovers.

- That's not me. - Uh, well, you do now. So listen to me, OK.

This isn't just a kiss and a bit of a grope.

- It's more than a grope. - Exactly.

So think, think Rae! Think of how hot Archie is.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Right?

He's going to be naked, trying to put his penis inside of you.

- Yeah. - Inside.

Do you want to look your best?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I never wanna have an orgasm if they look like that.

Are you sure this is even necessary?

I mean, he kissed me so he must like me.

Yeah, but he's got to be turned on by you, Rae.

You know, otherwise… well…

Otherwise, well, what?

Well, listen, sometimes men can have problems.

You know, being ready.

How often does that happen?

Well, if they don't like something or if they feel uncomfortable.

So please will you hurry up and try on the outfit, 'cause I'm bored.

Alright.

Chlo, I think we should go with the black leggings.

Maybe you're right, actually.

Rae, try these leggings on.

Oh, right.

What happened to your legs, Rae?

I was in an accident when I was in France.

Oh, my God!

Do they look horrible?

You can't even really notice them.

Do you think Archie will be turned off by them?

Maybe we could put some make up on them? Would that work?

We could try. But if we're gonna put make up on your legs, Rae,

it seems mad not to let me do all your make up properly.

- Alright. - Yes!

Rae… Why didn't you tell me?

Eh, come here!

If you want to make someone touch you and you can't change the way you look,

I guess the next best thing is to hide it.

With make up, with clothes, with whatever you can find.

I feel sick. Maybe I should just cancel.

No, look at me…

We haven't spend three hours making you look super foxy for you to walk away.

Me and Chlo will come in for the first 20 minutes.

Make sure everything's OK.

Well, you go first, foxy lady.

Oh, shut up.

- Hi. - Who are you? Who is that?

Um, this is my Uncle Kester.

These are my friends, Chloe and Izzy.

- Hiyah! - Hello.

Are you the Uncle, Rae stayed with in France?

Yeah. That's right.

Bonjour…

Um… I don't speak French when I'm in England.

In case I forget how to speak English.

Alright… Oh, my God,

Rae was just telling me about her accident…

Chloe, we've got to go.

- It was lovely to meet you anyway. - Bye.

Ciao.

Can I have a coffee please? Thanks!

- Yo. - What you doing here?

I've just seen Archie. He ain't coming.

He said to say… well… he said to say that really.

Right.

- Why are you dressed like Chloe? - I'm not dressed like Chloe.

OK, see you later then.

- Rae, what did Finn say? - Don't! Leave me alone!

"When Alexander the Great saw the breadth of his domain he wept,

for there were no more worlds to conquer".

That's Archie's favorite quote.

My domain is my bed.

I'm weeping for the opposite reason.

The world has conquered me.

It's midday.

I know.

I'm just about to make a sausage casserole.

I'm not hungry.

I've got some tiger bread and spread for dipping.

What spread is it?

Lurpak.

Normal or unsalted?

Normal… obviously.

I've thought about it, I shouldn't have gone out.

I deserve to be grounded.

Right… well… since you've thought about it

and you're sorry I don't think you do need to be grounded.

You can go out if you want.

Just behave yourself, be responsible.

Karim!

Rae, it's for you. It's a young man.

What?

I came about yesterday.

Come to take the piss have you?

- No. - Just save it.

I wouldn't have done it if I knew

you were supposed to be on a date.

Oh… How very grown-up of you.

Look, I know you don't like me and that's fine right.

But I just… I think he's a dick for what he did.

I didn't want you adding it to the very long list of things you hate about me.

Finn.

The list isn't that long.

Archie's at work at the leisure center right now.

If I were you I'd find him,

and I'd stick a fucking boot right up his ass.

Weight Watchers is Tuesday.

Yeah? Why don't you just tell me where Archie is

before I wrap my fist right around your nose.

He's in the wet rooms. It's 50p admission.

Fuck off.

Rae! Shit!

Are you peeping?!

No, no, no, no. It's not what it looks like!

Because it looks like you're a pervert.

No… Let me explain, it's just… I swear…

- Move! Move, Archie! Move! - Please, Rae! No. No, Rae!

Rae! Rae! Just…

Rae! Please! Rae! Please. Please… Stop.

Stop, look at me. Just stop a second.

I knew it! I knew you couldn't possibly like me!

- Shh… - How could you do this to me?

Why not just leave me alone in the first place.

I know I'm ugly and I know boys don't like me

so why make me think that you did?!

I'm really sorry… OK? Just…

Oh, my God! Did I do it?

- Did I make you gay? - No, no, no. Of course not!

- Was it me?! - Just… just wait.

I bottled it.

I thought if I tried to be straight for a bit… then maybe…

You don't know what it's like!

Having this big bloody secret

that could come out at any moment. It's horrible.

I'm really sorry.

What did you think when you saw my legs?

At the pool party?

Dunno. I thought you'd been in an accident or something.

Did you think I was a freak?

Why would I ever think that?

Why don't you be brave and tell people?

Then you'd be free to be yourself,

you wouldn't have to worry all the time.

Come out, in Lincolnshire when I'm still in high school?

That's not bravery, that's just asking for it.

R.H. Tawney said, "What's freedom for the pike, is death for the minnow."

I think I believe that.

Archie…

You know, for a gayer you really are a boring fucker sometimes.

Do you know what?

There is one thing you can do to make it up to me…

Chop said that Archie literally like begged you

to forgive him, and then he asked you to out out with him and you said "no".

Yeah, he did beg and that, but whatever.

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm loving being single.

That is so hardcore! Why didn't I think of that?

It's fucking embarrassing how good I look some days.

So how long does it take for you to actually believe it?

Oh, I think it's a life long project for everyone.

Rae!

Danny, Tix would like to say something to you.

I'm sorry about hitting you with the tray.

Repeatedly hitting you with the tray.

That's alright.

I should've remembered not to surprise you like that.

I forgot you don't like it.

Please take your hand off mine.

Maybe some bodies weren't meant to be touched.

Maybe my body wasn't meant to be stroked…

…and nibbled and kissed and held.

And maybe me and Mrs. Dewhurst had more in common than I thought.

Maybe I'll grow old like her, alone, never being touched.

Never feeling good.

"Caesar's wife was wearing flowing white robes,

which clung to her every curve like a gentle caress.

The centurion pressed himself against her,

and she felt his passion, hard and ready.

Marcus Antonius could no longer keep his hands off her perfectly curved rear.

The firmness of his tumescence surprised her as she felt blindly behind her,

wrapping her fingers around his shaft."

What are you doing?!

I must have you, Your Highness.

Wow.