Original subtitles

Un-shitting-believable.

I'm Dr. Khan's replacement, Dr. Gill.

You can call me Kester.

- Is it Rachel? - Rae.

I told Dr. Khan to ask you to start keeping a diary.

Well, you can't read it. Because Dr. Khan--

I don't want to read it. It's private. It's for you.

Are you always this quiet?

You know there's a theory that you can discern

the majority of a person's characteristics in the first five seconds of meeting them.

What do your instincts say about me?

My instincts say that a bird took a dump on your head.

So… you survived the first week.

Still in one piece, I see.

What've you been up to?

Look, with Dr. Khan we'd just talk--

I'm not Dr. Khan.

So… What've you been up to this week?

Not much.

Big lie. This week, has in fact been pretty momentous.

Wednesday, the 10th of July 1996.

Day one: Freedom.

Dear Diary, I'm 16, I weigh 16 and a half stone,

and I live in Lincolnshire.

My interests include music, veging out and finding a fit boy.

No, scratch that… any boy to quench my ever growing horn.

Unfortunately, I already have a lover that makes me look pregnant… food!

But there is a difference between snacking and binging.

And I don't binge anymore!

And if anyone ever finds this diary…

…and reads it and comes to the conclusion that I'm crazy…

…they'd be spot on.

Go away. I'm not speaking to you.

- Why not? - You're abandoning me

and leaving me here with all the mentals.

I'll be back for my sessions all the time.

You won't be back.

You'll be off going to loads of parties.

Boy parties.

Tix, we both know

that there are zero cool people in Lincolnshire.

Tissue please, Skinny.

You get a new toothbrush?

I'm going to miss you.

Poor lovely messed up Tixy.

Here!

Go.

Hi, Rae.

Hi.

Dr. Nick Kassar, expert moistener of lady gardens.

I want to eat his face.

It's um… it's good for the skin.

Yeah, I know, yeah. I drink two liters a day.

Problem is, it makes you go to the loo every half hour.

I'm getting picked up in 20 minutes.

- That's a shame. - Why's that?

Because I never got the chance to do a sex on you.

Rae…

Yeah?

Don't get up to any mischief.

Well… don't go changing. You keep drinking that water.

Oh, God. Why do I always say such twatish things?

Four months locked away.

Four months convincing people my finger

is no longer on the self-destruct button.

Finally, I was leaving.

Finally, I was free.

I'm not ready?

- Where are you? - Outside.

I'm freaking out. I'm having a freak out!

Just count to ten.

I don't think I'm strong enough to make it on my own.

You're not on your own.

You've got your mum and all your friends.

My mum's a nightmare! And I haven't got any friends.

You're my friend.

The pips are going. What if something really bad happens?

What if I have a proper freak out? What then?

- Just count to ten. - Yeah, but…

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Look, I'm sorry I was late. It was only by ten minutes.

- Forty minutes. - Give over with your 40 minutes.

You talk more random than duck's shite sometimes.

Do you want one?

When have I ever smoked?

You might of started.

There's some Blue Ribands in the glove box.

No, no I can't, love. I'm on the alphabet diet.

The what?

Each week you only eat food

beginning with a certain letter.

Makes you rotate all your food types. This week it's W.

So you've nearly done the entire alphabet?

Nah, I started on S because I'd bought a load of scotch eggs on the cheap.

I've lost six pounds though.

That's what… just over a month?

Month and a bit?

A Blue Riband's got wafer in it.

Wafer begins with a W.

Oh, no!

- Rae? - Who's that?

- Chloe. - Rae! Oh, my God!

Chloe! Blood and stomach pills, she's blossomed.

Look at her chest.

Please don't embarrass me.

Oh, get over yourself.

And don't be long, we're in a rush.

Oh, my God! Come here.

Why didn't you tell me you were back?! How was France?

France?

Yeah. It was great!

It was really nice.

I can't believe you've been gone three months.

Four months.

Well… I'm glad you're back anyway. So…

Thanks.

- I should go. - Oh, no, no, no.

Listen, listen, you've got to come to the pub tonight with me and the gang.

I started hanging around with the sixth formers

and Wellesley Park, babes.

The guys are fit as, right?

And they're all single…

So please say you'll come, sweets, please?

Yes, please.

- Yeah? - I mean… Yeah.

I'm a bit busy, but it'd be cool to hang out with you.

- In France, all I did was hang. - Definitely.

I'd probably get withdrawal symptoms if I stopped hanging.

Yeah…

Rae!

I'll see you later then.

France?!

I had to say something. You told me not to tell anyone.

France?

Why didn't you just say I had glandular fever or something?

Welcome to the house of pain.

Barely enough room for one person, let alone me and her.

I'm not even in and I wanna get out.

Come on, Rachel. I've got something to show you.

What?

Rae, this is Karim, my lover.

Isn't he something?

Say, hello. Say, hello! Say, hello!

Pleased for meet you.

Why were you in the boot?

No… He can't speak much English.

He speaks Arabic and French.

That's what they speak in Tunisia.

Uh… Help.

Right, who'd like a sticky waffle?

Why was he in the chuffing boot?!

Look… Look, he hasn't done anything wrong,

but there are people looking for him.

- What people? - Immigration.

He's not allowed to be here. Not just yet. Not just for now.

He ran away from this holding place and… we fell in love.

Now, no one can know about this, not just for now. Is that OK, Rachel?

Karim, put me down you bloody beast!

There is a difference between snacking and binging.

And I don't binge anymore!

Ever feel like you're returning to the scene of a crime?

Oh, Damon… I love you but I've got to

get out of this house and meet some real boys.

Look, before you meet everyone, just try and be cool. Yeah?

I'll try and get you in with them,

but they're a pretty exclusive bunch.

So… just don't be upset if it doesn't happen. OK?

- Yeah. - You ready?

- Yeah. - Come on.

Izzy!

Being in a pub is weird

when eight hours earlier you were in a mental ward.

I felt like a criminal. Like a renegade.

Like it was so obvious I wasn't meant to be there.

Sorry, lover.

I felt alive.

- Everyone, this is Rae. - You all right?

- Hi-ya. - Hi.

Do you want a drink? Because Chop can get served.

No, it's all right, I don't drink.

- Really? - Yeah.

Where's Archie?

I dunno somewhere…

What you doing, you Benny? Trying to get us kicked out?

Here… make yourself useful and take a picture

of the biggest pythons in sports entertainment.

What, these ones here?

Them ones or them ones?

- Here, let me have a go. - Hey, Archie, get up here.

Go on, lad!

Cheers.

All right, this is a little hit that came out a few months back.

♪ Well, I tried to tell you so ♪

♪ But I guess you didn't know

♪ As the saddest story goes

♪ Baby, now I got the flow

♪ 'Cause I knew it from the start ♪

♪ Baby, when you broke my heart ♪

♪ That I had to come again

♪ And show you that I'm real

♪ You lied to me

♪ All those times I said that I loved you ♪

♪ You lied to me

♪ And I tried, yes, I tried

♪ Return of the Mack ♪

Two words: Gushington Central.

So this is what I've worked out so far about the gang:

There's Chloe, who's like my oldest friend.

We kind of grew apart over the last year.

I guess I kinda had my own stuff going on.

Like wondering why my best friend was growing apart from me,

like wondering why I was having a secret mental breakdown.

But, whatever, it's complicated, I guess.

There's no toppling on this!

You've opened the box upside down, you div.

Then there's Izzy. She's so cute.

I've only known her for two hours, but I can't imagine

she'd ever had a negative thought about anything.

You two are so like a married couple sometimes.

Oh, gross! That'd be like marrying my sister.

Yeah! So gross!

There's three boys:

Chop: Rating, slice.

He doesn't even go to school.

Chloe says he works down at some garage

fixing cars or something.

I don't care what you say,

Jennifer Aniston is fitter than Pammy.

And there's only one woman that's fitter than them both.

- Bollocks. Who? - Your mum.

No, no…

Finn's a bit of a grumpy sod,

he's such an epic slice but he massively knows it.

And finally… Archie.

Ultimate slice. Half geek, half rock God.

So hot he'd make a priest kick a hole

in a stained glass window.

I want to do 14,000 romances on him.

I couldn't believe it.

There were cool people in Lincolnshire.

This was it.

This was my chance.

Oh, everyone. Announcement right!

Party at mine on Saturday to celebrate Izzy's birthday.

And all I had to do was just be normal.

Take the picture!

Here you are…

Rae, it's ready.

Yeah, take a picture of us will you?

Let me see it.

Chop, your guns nearly don't fit in that picture.

I've decided…

There are three ways Archie is going to go out with me.

One: If he's secretly got a thing for big women,

like Lenny Henry has for Dawn French.

Two: Apocalyptic catastrophe takes out all other women on earth,

and therefore my humps become a precious commodity.

Three: I feed him biscuits until he's fat, too.

If this goes in the bin, Archie will definitely sleep with me.

I had to see you.

What are you doing here?

Let's not talk.

Yes!

Kiss my neck, Archie.

- Please, for me. - What?

Please, I beg you.

Why are you talking like that?

Please…

What?

Do you have any idea what time it is?

It's quarter to five.

It's quarter to five… and I'm awake.

What do you want,

a chufty badge and a round of applause?

I want to be able to go to sleep knowing that I'm not going to be

woken up by the sound of you getting your bones jumped.

I beg your pardon.

Just… stop having sex at top volume, yeah?

I didn't know we were being loud.

There's people in Peterborough that probably think

the world's coming to an end.

Oh, come on, Rachel.

You talk more random than duck's shite sometimes.

Will you just stop saying that. It's just stupid!

You watch your tone with me, young lady.

You remember who you're talking to.

Do you know what…

And then I said it.

The worst thing I've ever said to my mum.

And, as I'm feeling mega guilty anyway,

we might as well do the top three.

Mum? Why is your bum bigger than all the other mum's bums?

Rachel Earl!

Come.

I wanted a Kylie one.

Well, maybe we couldn't afford a Kylie one.

Well, maybe if you hadn't made Dad leave we'd be able to get nice things.

Rachel Earl!

Its no wonder I went mental is it?

When I've got the biggest screw up in the history of screw-ups for a parent.

Go on, say it, "Rachel Earl"!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Thursday the 11th of July 1996. Day two.

No one's called.

I loved Thursdays in the hospital.

In the mornings, me and Tix would catch up

on the charts and have toast.

And in the afternoon we'd have group

and then go out to the lake with Danny Two Hats

and play ten questions.

But now there's a new gang I suppose…

…but why haven't they called?

Have I fucked it up already?

Rae! What you doing here?

I was just passing and thought I'd nip in.

Do you know what, I would have rang to say

we were all coming down but it was kind of a spontaneous thing.

You know how it is?

This music's doing my head in.

Archie, put something decent on that jukebox, will you?

Music, my turf. Go big or go home!

I'll do it.

Nah, I want Archie to do it. He knows his music.

- I know my music. - Look, May…

- It's Rae. - As in Raymond?

- As in Rachel. - Whatever, Rae…

It's my 20 p and I want Archie to do it, all right.

Look if you don't like what I put on,

I'll give you your 20 p back.

It was time to drop the big guns.

And I hereby present my case for gang membership, spin on that Finn!

Whoo!

Tune!

Nice one!

Yeah, it's not bad for mainstream.

I don't think we've been introduced properly, I'm Archie.

Hi, Archie.

I'd shag him until there was nothing left.

Just a pair of glasses and a damp patch.

Rae! You still coming to my party on Saturday, right?

Am I invited?

Of course you are, you silly moo.

Tell everyone!

All right, then. All right, listen.

As you all know, I am proper excited about moving into my new house.

So I'm delighted to say that my party on Saturday night

will be my first ever… pool party!

Whoo!

Pool party? Get in there!

- Whoo! - Are you kidding me?

- Who wants a snake bite? - Yeah, I do.

Go on you can do it.

I am never drinking again.

Friday the 12th July. Day three.

My first hangover.

I felt like an orangutan had been sick on my brain.

The big question is one-piece, bikini or monokini?

Well, where's the makes-you-not-look-like a-massive-bloater-kini?

- What? - Nothing.

Well, come on, try them on then.

There was a time…

…when I refused to wear anything other than a swimsuit.

Will you help me get a pasty, please?

You shouldn't eat too many of these. You'll get fat.

I don't care if I get fat. They taste nice.

But if you get fat you won't be able

to wear a swimsuit and boys won't like you.

I don't like boys.

And even if I did like boys and I was fat

and I wore a swimsuit, they'd like me anyway.

- How would they like you? - Because I'm brilliant.

Rae!

There's no fucking way anyone's gonna see me in this!

- What are you doing? - Burning one.

- But you don't smoke. - I started yesterday.

You know it keeps you thin.

We are evacuating the store.

We really need to get out of the store!

If you need to cover yourself up with this, then do so!

- What? - Excuse me, please.

Let's just go, thank you.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Rae.

Just ignore them, Rae!

Oy, Jabba?

Do you want this burger? I've lost my appetite.

- Rae? - Jabba. Jabba. Jabba.

- Oh, God, no. - What's going on?

- Jabba. Jabba. Jabba. - What's going on?

- Just ignore them, Rae. - What's going on?

One… two…

…three…

…four… five…

…six… seven…

…eight… nine…

I'm back.

I lasted what? Two days?

Something happened that was so embarrassing.

My skin feels itchy with it.

I hate that people would have gone home and talked about it,

like it was a joke over their Yorkshire puddings or something.

It's too much out there.

I don't even know how to explain it.

It smashes up all of your senses.

I'm not strong enough to deal with it all on my own.

Tissue, please, Fatty.

What you doing here?

I've um… I've got some good news.

- What? - I've decided to come back.

I just don't think I'm ready.

What you doing?!

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

Everyone in here is holding onto their lives

by their fingertips, Rae!

And you were given the chance to start again,

and you don't want it!

I don't like it out there.

No! You don't like it anywhere because you don't like yourself.

You better start doing.

Because I've been trying to be more like you for months.

And if there's no hope for you then what hope is there for me?

What if something bad happens? Something really bad?

I tried counting to ten and it didn't work.

Then you put on your Rae armor and you charge at it.

Promise me you won't come back.

But I really miss you.

So the pool party.

Turn up to a pool party with a bag of booze nicked from your mum,

and no one will care if you swim or not.

But how to escape.

Whoo!

Jesus, Rae!

You've bloody ruined my flower beds.

All right, all right.

You smell like a brewery.

Next time you want to borrow some booze, just ask.

You should know that we haven't got the right sort of guttering

for sneaking in and out of windows.

Take off your top, let's look at your back.

No. No way.

Come on, Rae. It's not like I haven't seen it all before.

When you were a little you used to run around naked all the time.

Yeah, well, I'm not a kid anymore.

Karim…

All right, let's have a look at your back.

Wait, wait, wait. It's just a bruise.

You sure you're alright about going to the pub and things?

I do worry about you, you know?

I'm fine.

Are you still going to this pool thing today then?

It doesn't matter what people think about you.

Yeah, well, you're not the one who has to stand in

a swimming costume next to Chloe with her gravity defying boobs.

I'm gonna look like a condom filled with Bolognese sauce.

You remember when you were little and we went to Butlin's,

and you said I had a big arse in front of Sally Crowther's parents?

No…

Why, did it upset you?

You get used to it.

Besides, I was sleeping with Sally Crowther's dad at the time so it made no odds really.

All right.

I'm sorry about what I said the other day… in the kitchen.

- Wait… got it. - Mum, mum.

It's all right. Look, look!

Rae?

- Hey, Rae. - Hey.

There's something different about you today.

Where's your inflatable crocodile?

Actually, I thought you were fantastic.

Not many people could style that out like you did.

Come on, let's stay here and chat? I don't fancy a swim.

Why not?

I don't really wanna talk about it…

- Tell me. - No. You'll laugh.

- Maybe. - Um… Well…

I've got like spots on my back. Like back acne.

- Bacne? - Yeah.

- Show me. - No way.

Show me. Show me.

- No laughing. - All right.

Oh, my God, even his spots were really sexy.

Well?

Well… there's hardly anything there.

No one's gonna see anything.

Look let's make a deal. I'll go in, if you go in.

All right.

Stop it!

Is there something wrong?

No. Why?

So why aren't you getting involved?

I'm DJing. Duh.

We don't need a DJ. Just stick on number 33.

Are you kidding me? It's got "Father and Son" by Boyzone on it.

Yeah, well, we'll just get out and skip it.

Look, you're not gonna make friends

if you're sitting on the sidelines all the time.

Are people talking about that?

They might be.

Look, you don't want people thinking you're weird, do you?

You don't want people thinking you're not normal.

Just come in…

You are boring!

- Get on my back! - No!

Get on my back!

I want to see how long you can hold your breath.

Oh, God…

So. That's it? You went to a party.

And the party was "OK".

You know, Rae, these sessions are meant to be a time when you can open up.

Discuss with someone, confidentially,

how you're really feeling.

I told you. It was all right.

Tell me how you're feeling right now. But be honest.

OK, I'll tell you how I feel, yeah.

Two weeks ago my wife kicked me out,

I've been stopping on my brother's couch ever since.

This morning I wake up and there's no milk.

I bought that fucking milk, and he used it to drown his Sugar Puffs in.

So with no cup of coffee I come to work,

I get shat on by a pigeon.

I meet my new patient, and she's about as open as a nun's foo.

So… How do you feel?

I feel like I hate being here.

I feel like I hate this room.

What do you hate most about it?

Well, the pictures. They are shit.

Won't you get into trouble for that?

If anyone asks I'll tell them that you did it.

- I'll say you're lying. - Who they gonna believe?

I'm not the one with the history of mental illness.

Wow.

What about the inkblot?

That reminds me of a sanitary towel.

Then out it goes.

What about Buster Keaton here?

No, I quite like that one.

Yeah. Me too.

What did your instincts say about me?

After five seconds.

I can't remember.

I don't believe you.

My instincts said… that you see yourself as a fragile thing.

Like a little broken bird sloshing around in a bottle.

But if you trust me, if we trust each other, you'll be all right.

Because, basically, I think you're a pretty tough cookie.

- Chop? - Yes, my dear?

Come and use those big swans you've been building

to pry my fat butt out of this slide.

Not a problem, Rae.

Bar man! A lemon hooch if you'd be so kind.

And turn that shit off!

Uh! Maybe we should play a game for it?

All right, yeah. I've got a good one.

- What? - Maybe last one into the pool should go?

The doctors looked at my legs and said, "Didn't it hurt?

Didn't it hurt so much when you were doing it that it burnt to breathe?"

At least they remind me that I survived. But only just.

I can't believe I've actually got a group of friends.

I can't believe I'm finally out.

I can't believe they actually think I'm getting better.